When Marriage Sellers Make One of My Points For Me

The Institute for Family Studies, despite being, overall, a marriage seller, is the gift that keeps on giving. There was another round of trying to convince people they're better of having less sex and less sexual variety. Let's take a look at this graph:


 
That graph was used to try to show people that sexual abstinence before means your marriage will be much more stable.

Look closely,  though. Even the best category shows that more than 55 percent of married people in that category believe their marriage may be in trouble of ending. Remember, this is from an organization that is promoting marriage. A minority of married people think their marriage is "very stable."

Do you want to get into a terrible state contract in which, most likely, you will be worried that you are facing what some men call "divorce rape"?

It gets "better," though. Let' look at the next graph.



According to this, 78-80 percent of married people who "saved sex" are NOT very satisfied with their sexual relationship. Sure, the point they were trying to make - that it's even worse for those of you who've had two or more partners - is true... so don't bother to marry!

Why bother to sign a terrible state contract if those are the odds?!?

When someone implies or outright says that "saving sex" for marriage will mean your marriage will be stable, without fear of it ending, and that your marital sex life will be very satisfying, they are ignoring that for MOST people who marry under those circumstances that's not true! Even just the data from which these graphs come indicate there are many married people who are very dissatisfied with their sex lives, including people who "waited". Those people, and the trade offs and risks shouldn't be ignored.

To be fair, there may be studies that show relationship stability and sexual satisfaction rates are even lower for people who aren't married. That's a "cart and horse" thing, meaning it could be that if people don't think their relationship is stable and the sex isn't great, they're less likely to marry.

But yet again, I must point out that these studies and surveys never distinguish intentionally free men who run game to find out how stable their lives are and how satisfied they are with their sex lives. There are men who are loving life and thriving free of a supposedly exclusive or marital relationship, and some them are also very happy with their sex life.

More Fun With Statistics - Body County and Marriage

Men! Don't Ruin A Woman's Life By Marrying Her!

Haven't you noticed how miserable husbands make wives?

Wives constantly complain about their husbands.

They complain about their husbands to the husbands. They complain about their husbands to their therapists and counselors. They complain about their husbands to their family. They complain about their husbands to their neighbors. They complain about their husbands to their friends. They complain about their husbands on social media. They complain about their husbands on daytime television gabfests. They complain about their husbands in so many television advertisements.

And there's so much to complain about.

According to reports, husbands create an extra seven hours per week of housework for their wives!

You can also find lists of common complaints wives have, like this one.

1. “He never helps around the house.”

So he causes her to have more housework and he doesn't help!

2. “He plays too many video games.” Or something like fantasy football.

Don't burden her with your frivolity, guys. Don't marry her so she doesn't have to see it.

3. “We have the same arguments every day.”

How dare you not just go along with whatever she wants today, guys? If you don't marry her, she won't have to argue with you.

4. “He drinks too much.”

She shouldn't have to see that, guys. Stay unmarried and go drinking with your buddies.

5. “His family drives me nuts.”

Don't give her in-laws to deal with by marrying her, guys.

6. “He brings too much junk food into the house.”

If you're not living with her, you won't be bringing junk food into her house.

7. “He doesn’t know anything about the kids.”

Don't bother her by being around but not knowing the details, guy!

8. “He always wants to have sex.”

Guys, how can you ruin her life by wanting to sex with her so much? Stay unmarried so you can divide your advances among multiple women. And you're not good enough in bed.

9. “The credit card statement is always a surprise.”

You're buying stuff without her approval?!? Don't marry her and she won't get the credit card statements.

10. “A little appreciation would be nice.”

Men, don't marry her and prevent all those other guys from expressing their appreciation for her. Half of your income is NOT demonstrating enough appreciation. You don't show your appreciation, you don't romance her. Let her be romanced and pursued by better men than you.

Husbands do everything wrong! Even your sense of humor becomes less effective once you are a husband. So don't be a husband.

Husbands often don't earn enough.
Husbands often spend too much time at work.
Husbands are too whiny and dramatic when they get sick.

So don't be a husband. Don't marry a woman and ruin her life.

Wives are far more likely to file for divorce than husbands, clearly because husbands are so likely to be burdens on her, and women have so many complaints about their ex husbands.

DON'T DO THAT TO A WOMAN. Be a nice guy by saving her from the hassles and drudgery and annoyances and burdens husbands bring by NOT marrying her, and NOT moving in together. Otherwise, her sighs might give her breathing problems, and eye rolls might give her vision problems.

Show that you respect her, especially as an equal, by honoring the fact that she doesn't need a man, that she can do everything you can do, that she can do it on her own, and that she's strong and independent, by NOT becoming a husband.

DON'T RUIN A WOMAN'S LIFE BY MARRYING HER.

Now, she might still want a wedding. But what is it she really wants? She wants a series of parties that she plans and controls and that are about her. If you want to give that to woman, you can mark a birthday of hers with a series of such parties, and if you really want, you can gift her a diamond ring and a nice vacation, too. You can do that and pay for all of that and you can do it without becoming a husband.

Porn Panic From the Right

Dennis Prager talks about panics from the Left. Here an example of panic from the right, as expressed in two essays, which are very much like countless other essays and commentaries throughout the years.

"Susan" wrote on her blog at the URL https://thesparrowshome.com/pornography-is-destructive/ under the title "Hugh Hefner, Dennis Prager, and the Destructive Nature of Pornography" in October of 2017:

Hugh Hefner died last week. While I don’t revel in his death, the phrase ‘good riddance’ did cross my mind.  Hefner contributed heavily to bringing pornography to the mainstream, making it more easily accessible and normalized. Grieving his death never entered my mind.

If it hadn't been him, it would have been someone. Have you ever taken a real art history course? Or seen early movies, before the "code" days?

Continuing To Make Our Point For Us

I posted this, about an essay claiming to give "Five Reasons Your Wife Doesn't Want Sex."

I pre-emptively wrote:

We already know why.

Either she doesn't want it or she wants to punish or manipulate us.

And later, in conclusion:

OK, so the essay tells men all of these hoops they have to jump through, all this additional effort to put in, and that mothers are going to want sex less. And yet, it is AMAZING how far more women want to have more sex with free men, including guys they hardly know and who hardly know them, and that includes mothers. Plenty of women with children are banging every day, acting like they're in the circus act or a sexual stunt show. They even seem to be enthusiastic about it, eager to go whenever and wherever. That includes women in their 40s and 50s, with guys who haven't jumped through a bunch of hoops.

Maybe it's because they feel like they have to? Whatever the reason, clearly women can be sexual at a high level; it's when the man has signed a terrible state contract, and especially when he's has a child with her or as many more as she wanted, that things change.

Learn from this, guys. You like sex? You want a robust sex life? If that's important, get a vasectomy. Believe women. Move on when a woman is clearly no longer feeling it for you. Don't burden her! Move on to a woman who wants you. Consider running game. Don't marry. Definitely stay free.

A comment has been left that backs up my point:

Clearly written by a man only concerned with the primal urges of his penis! Ladies, Move On! This type of man is not worth your time nor energy and most probably is diseased from his many exploits. Double full body rubber required should you decide to allow him into your body. Disgusting!

Pay attention, guys! Notice she didn't dispute anything I wrote. Rather, she falsely accuses me of 1) having a disease, and 2) only being concerned about my penis. Neither is true, but notice that if you want a healthy sex life, you are presented as being a problem.

So again, men, stay free. See women who either want you, or are still convincingly pretending to. When they are done pretending or their minds/feelings change, you can move on.

Stop! Don't Propose! Don't Marry!

Guys, if you're thinking about proposing as a holiday surprise or just because you think it is a romantic time of year to propose, DON'T DO IT. If you are thinking about getting married, like many people do on New Year's Eve, DON'T DO IT!!! Don't propose on Christmas Eve or Christmas. Don't propose or marry on December 31. Don't do either on Valentine's Day. DO NOT DO IT!!!

Odds are, proposing is/was a mistake. This is a statistical fact.

Consider:

1) 33-40% of first marriages end in divorce. It is well over 50% for second marriages (70% if stepchildren are involved).

2) Enough of the other marriages are problematic enough of the time that literally, between divorce and "bad" marriages (including marriages that effectively end but don't legally divorce, or in which one spouse dies or is killed by the other before divorce could take place) most marriages are a mistake.

3) On top of that, add in the engagements that don't make it to marriage that end with drama and/or bitterness.

So, statistically, proposing is a mistake, a very big mistake.

Christmas With or Without Family

Well, here we are again.

If you’re reading this in time and about to give your girlfriend a ring or some other expensive gift….

STOP!!!

Don’t do it.

If you’re planning to get married on NYE or anytime soon, CALL THAT OFF!

Are you visiting family with your fiancée or girlfriend? Or visiting her family? I’m sorry. How much is that costing you? It will cost you even more if you marry.

Most of you unmarried men shouldn’t have a woman with you and you shouldn’t be going anywhere with a woman. MAYBE, if you’ve been together for many years and she understands you’re never subjecting your relationship to a terrible state contract AND she treats you extremely well and you have good reason for the family visits, then it’s OK. But that’s rare.

Otherwise, this is the time of year you should be enjoying your alone time, your friends, your parents/siblings/extended family, and running game with women who don’t have reason to think they’re going to be your wife soon, as I’ve repeatedly advised: https://tunasafedolphin.blogspot.com/2022/11/dont-let-holidays-lead-to-less-freedom.html

If you’re free, embrace it. Don’t let anyone shame you or pressure you. If your family or friends or your friend’s ball & chain start in on it, shut them down: https://tunasafedolphin.blogspot.com/2012/10/why-arent-you-married.html

There’s nothing wrong with being free, and for most men, it’s the best way to live.

If you are engaged…

…don’t spend any more than absolutely necessary and plan your escape. DON’T MARRY: https://tunasafedolphin.blogspot.com/2023/01/breaking-engagement.html

If you have a girlfriend…

…DO NOT PROPOSE. Keep things as inexpensive as you can and plan your return to freedom: https://tunasafedolphin.blogspot.com/2023/01/how-to-break-up.html

If you’re married, but childfree and less than ten years in, think about all the trouble and expense of trying to keep your wife happy, and seriously consider getting out before the ten year mark. Don’t knock her up!!! Make the New Year the one you turn towards freedom.

If this is a hard time of year for whatever reason, I’m sorry. You’re not the only person going through that; you’re not alone. You can always comment below, anonymously, to express yourself.

If you’re spending this time alone and you like that, good for you! If you’re free and you don’t want to spend the time alone but don’t have family you can go to, consider asking friends over or meeting up with them.

The New Year can be a great one. It’s mostly in your power.

Get free.

Stay free.

Embrace the free life.

A Thought About Regrets

 

You go to buy an automobile. Ads, experts, news stories citing studies, brochures, maybe even friends and family all tell you it’ll be a great purchase.

While you’re at the dealer, you can’t help but overhear a woman, having her car serviced, talking on her phone and it becomes clear her teen daughter is pregnant and in no position to be a mother. You and your spouse strike up a conversation with the grandmother to be, and long story short, she lives in your neighborhood and you end up adopting her newborn grandchild. You always wanted a child, and were having trouble becoming a parent, so you’re happy to adopt.

The automobile purchase turns into a disaster. The vehicle has problems and causes you a lot of grief; years of it. The vehicle needed constant work. The dealer changed terms, turned out to be shady, just a whole bunch of problems. You have to get lawyers involved. In the end, you end up without the use of the vehicle, which cost you a lot of money you’ll never get back.

The vehicle purchase was clearly a mistake, right?

The vehicle was a failure, right?

You regret purchasing the vehicle, right?

You don’t regret adopting the child, and going to that dealer to buy that vehicle was how you ended up adopting that child. But you could have met that woman and adopted the child without purchasing the automobile.

What’s my point?

 

Some people don’t want to publicly admit their marriage was a mistake or that they regret it, if they've divorced (or are still legally married but miserable in the marriage), because they have children from that relationship and they don’t want those children to be hurt. But they could have had those children without marrying. Saying “I wish I hadn’t married” or “I wish I hadn’t married that person” does NOT mean “I wish I didn’t have my kid.”

It’s absurd when you think about it. “I entered into a bad financial deal and things fell apart, but I don’t regret it!” Of course you regret it. You might be happy you have your child, but you regret that marriage.

Remember that statistics about marriage and divorce often include people unwilling to admit they regret marrying, or that marrying was a mistake. Remember that some people who tell you they don’t regret their marriage(s) aren’t being honest with you, and maybe themselves. Some think “Well, I’d never say I don’t want my kid, so I can’t say I regret marrying.” But they can. Also, some do regret having children, too. That’s too long to get into in this post.

Don’t sign a terrible contract, guys. And don’t let the state apply one (common law) to your relationship. Stay free!

How to Keep Your Friends Free - Prevention

I have a habit of writing some really long entries, but I'm going to try to post some things as series instead, to keep them from getting too long. With that in mind, I'm starting a series about how Free Men can keep their friends free. Even if you're not a Free Man, you can use some of these tactics to help other men stay free.

The best way to help other men stay free is through PREVENTION. Helping them from getting into a mess in the first place is the ideal. It's best to do things proactively and prophylacticly, BEFORE he gets into an exclusive relationship.

Here's how.

• Point out to each Free Man (especially young men) in your life why he doesn't want to climb down that ladder, down into that pit in which a woman will have more and more control over his life.
  
  
• Point out that legal marriage is a bad deal for most men, most marriages fail, and men can have happy, full, productive lives without ever legally marrying.
   
• When these guys aren't in "exclusive" relationships, point out the benefits to them of being a Free Man and why they wouldn't want to give that up.
  
  
• When he's doing something he enjoys, with or without you, point out how he either wouldn't be able to do it or do it the way he wants, or it would cost him a lot more, if he was tied down to a woman, especially with kids.
  
  
• Point out that being a Free Man is our default state, and even marriage-sellers say marriage is hard work and takes a lot of compromise and sacrifice. 
  
  
• Point out to him how a newlywed woman butches up and blimps up. There will be examples in his life and in media.
  
  
• Point out that women use sex as a loss leader and do "bait and switch" all of the time. They are on their "best behavior" during early dating because they are trying to lock him in. Things will never be better with a woman than the first 3 to 6 months. 
  
  
• Point out examples of men suffering because they gave up their freedom and autonomy. They can be men you know or men in the news. Point out the beaten dogs, the emasculated guys, the ones whose balls are in their purse of the woman who owns him. Point out when guys waste their lives arguing with a woman. Point out the men who've been or are being put through the wringer in divorce.
  
  
• Point out that a Free Man gets to control his own calendar/social schedule, and how his money is spent.
  
  
• Point out that he doesn't need a girlfriend, and he certainly doesn't need a wife.
  
  
• Encourage him to avoid dating just one woman, and to avoid giving a woman the impression he's only dating her, and to avoid seeing any given woman more than once per week.
  
  
• Debunk the misleading marriage-selling statements he might hear, like the one about the sex in marriage being more frequent and better.
  
  
• Discuss Red Flags with him.
  
  
• If a woman he's dating is giving him grief, is too much work, or possessive, point out that there are plenty of other women and he doesn't have to date her.
  
  
• Frequently get together, whether at home or wherever else, to enjoy doing things as Free Men.
  
  
• Share with him the tactics you find helpful for staying a Free Man. For example, encourage vasectomies. Encourage having a holiday season game plan.
  

Of course, you can send him whatever entries and pages from this blog you find helpful.

If you have other tips you think should be added, comment below.

This entry turned out to be long anyway, and it might get longer still. In the next installment of this series, I plan to write about what to do when he's getting into an "exclusive" relationship or already is, and might be heading for the marriage trap.

UPDATE: Here's the Intervention entry in this series.

UPDATE: Here's the Recovery entry in this series.

How Many Other Husbands Live Like This?

This past Friday, June 17, 2022, during Hour 3 of the Dr. Laura Program, she took a call from a man who has been married for over 30 years. He and his wife have no kids. 

He has been very frustrated because they only have sex once every month or two, and his wife has never had much sexual passion. They've seen therapists, doctors, pastors, etc. about this.

They married in their mid-twenties and had waited until they married to have sex. Actually, they waited even longer because she was "too tired" on their wedding night.

Dr. Laura gave him what regular listeners would expect her to give him: the choice to either stay and accept it, or leave. 

He said he won't leave, because of his vows.

This call was important for multiple reasons:

1) "Waiting" for marriage is not risk-free. While some people claim they are waiting for moral or religious reasons, some people wait because they aren't interested in having sex, at least not with the person they are marrying. Even people who display some passion before marrying, even engaging in various forms of sex and frequently at that, might pull back after marrying (or having children). But at least in those cases, their spouse knows they are capable of sexually satisfying them.

2) Contrary to what marriage sellers imply and encourage people to infer, there are married men who are extremely dissatisfied with their marital sex life.

3) People who save sex for marriage tend to be the type of person to stay in the marriage even if they're miserable (and they are also the type to say they're not miserable even though they are).

4) Unless they believe otherwise, clergy need to make it clear that, at some point, willful sexual neglect is unfaithfulness or abandonment to the point of a breaking of the vows and releases the other spouse.

This guy is going to go his whole life never having experienced a good sex life.

He bought into "sex is for marriage" without realizing that the Bible (which is likely THE or at least AN authority for his belief system) never says people need to get a terrible marriage contract from a secular state, nor does it specify what makes someone married, but most importantly to his situation, it never specifies that all sexual acts are forbidden before marriage. There may have been ways he could have avoided this situation.

Even after waiting for months/years, it can be understandable that someone is too tired to do anything on the evening after the wedding, although that's an argument for small, simple weddings. Then this poor sap probably thought she just needed some time, or that he was doing things wrong. Nobody wants to admit they made a huge mistake while they are probably still paying off the wedding or sending out thank you cards. As time slipped by, he was deeper and deeper into the mess, not wanting to admit his mistake or be branded with "divorced" or "annulled," wondering if he is undesirable, not wanting to hire lawyers and go to court, probably being told by some he just needs to be more romantic and understanding, and doing more around the home (remember, no kids). That poor man.

Although Dr. Laura didn't bring it up in this call, what she might have told his wife if she had been the one to make the call is she should choose one of the following for her husband:

1) Masturbate to porn
2) Divorce her

3) Frequent prostitutes

4) Have a mistress

My guess is that is wife would reject any of those. If she found him masturbating and/or viewing porn, she'd probably play the martyr and justify mistreating him.

Gee, you unmarried guys, why haven't you rushed to sign a terrible state contract with a woman???

Stay free, men!

Running Game - Slumpbusters

If you're not running game like a well-oiled machine yet, or you took a break, or you're in slump, you might benefit from one or more slumpbusters.

A slumpbuster means hooking up with a woman you wouldn't have as part of your regular bullpen. Maybe she's too old, maybe she's too fat or too skinny or otherwise less attractive to you, maybe she's not enthusiastic or skilled enough. But she's willing to hook up. If some affection is better than no affection to you, that's what a slumpbuster gives you.

However, slumpbusters also help because they "prime the pump." Somehow, some way, the fact that you're active at all helps bring other women to you. It's just one of those mysteries of reality.

Don't Let the Holidays Lead to Less Freedom, Guys

 

Free Men, hopefully you didn't spend your Thanksgiving catering to a woman, her family, her friends, or having some woman along with you as you visited your family. If you're not in the USA and not American, you probably didn't have to deal with anything like that.

But wherever you are, if you're somewhere Hanukah, Christmas, or January 1 are celebrated, you need to implement or continue your holiday game plan.

There are two main considerations for you:

1) Dealing with family and "friends" who will be asking you (or pestering you) about your status as a free man. You now how it goes. "When are you going to get married?" Questions like that.

2) Avoiding spending those special days with a woman who wants to take away your status as Free Man, or will be expecting you to spend a lot of time, money, and effort on her.

Don't do something foolish and start thinking there is "the one" to whom you should hand over your freedom. Don't be so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive with a woman.

Daycare is Almost Always Voluntary and is Generally a Bad Choice

One of the most repeated sentiments in parenting conversations these days is parents claiming that they "had no choice" but to put their kid(s) into daycare or that it is a GOOD thing for the kids.

In almost every case, this is a big, stinking pile of dung.


Putting a child in daycare comes at the end of a series of CHOICES that the parent(s) made. By the way, day care is anything before the kid is 5, whatever it is called... nursery school, pre-K, transitional K, pre-school... it's all daycare.

If you aren't "able" to raise your own child, don't have one!

Running Game - What To Do On Dates

When a man is running game, here's how the ideal date goes:

It's dark out. You haven't seen her in a week or more.

You get a text from her that invites you over.

You go to her place.

Within five minutes of arriving, you're doing what you want to do.

After you're done doing what you want to do, you leave. You're not there to stick around to cuddle, snuggle, spoon, move furniture, fix the garbage disposal, or any of that.

To get to that point, though, you'll probably have to have other dates, first.

It’s Thanksgiving in the USA

I’ve got much for which to be thankful. Unfortunately, this time of year is forever tainted by a very unpleasant memory I have because I married.

Some of you Americans are trying to distract yourself online today to escape marital or family drama. I feel for you.

I hope you’re doing well overall, dear reader.

A special thanks to all of you who are hosting today or the next few days, and inviting people who don’t have a pleasant option elsewhere. And a special thanks to all of you who are working today. I’ve been there.

Husbands Are Well Aware Adult Media is Fantasy

Antiporn crusaders will often say that porn gives unrealistic expectations, or that men don't consider that there's a difference between what's depicted in porn and real life. But THAT'S EXACTLY WHY THEY WATCH - because there is a difference between porn and real life.

What media has realistic portrayals of men, women, or relationships?

Professional sports coverage? How many people look like that and can perform like that?

Action movies in which men and women both withstand severe beatings but are still able to function like not much has happened to them?

Marvel and DC movies? Romantic comedies? Sitcoms? Advertisements, especially for jewelry and engagement rings? "Reality" shows? Princess fantasies? Church/ministry brochures, websites, and social media depicting gorgeous couples and their perfect children, all perpetually smiling and laughing?

Husbands are VERY aware porn is fantasy. They know all too well that wives are rarely that enthusiastic about sex.

Here's where someone retorts with, "Well maybe you're a lousy lover."

That might work on guys who "waited" or "saved sex" for marriage. Those of us who didn't know better.

"You should do more around the house."

Some of these husbands, myself included, do more around the house than their wife. But many of us did NOTHING around the home of our girlfriends, at least when we first started getting together with them, and yet they were enthusiastic lovers.

"That's just your wife. You should have picked better."

Picked better how exactly, if you don't want people having sex before they sign a terrible state contract? And nope, it isn't just my wife or his wife. We have seen the same story from many other husbands and ex husbands. Consider the old joke about why a bride is smiling so much.

Finally, any time an antiporn crusader says "Porn depicts___" or "Porn has____"  or "Porn is___" ...and finishes those statements with anything other than "...material someone finds arousing," they are misleading people. Adult media is very diverse. "Porn teaches" or "Porn says" or anything of the like is a statement as silly as saying "Books teach" or "Books say."

It's OK to say "I don't like nudity or sex in media." Criticizing adult media with criticisms that you can also apply to other media, but don't, reveals that you are desperate to persuade people to adopt your opinion through double standards.

The Happiest Years of Your Life?

During his Happiness Hour on Friday, November 1, 2024, Dennis Prager asked callers what the happiest years of their life have been. It was prompted by a text he got from a friend saying the happiest years of his life had been when they were in college together, which was a long time ago.

It got me thinking.

I wrote out an autobiographical essay, breaking my life down by certain periods.

Rather than bore you with it, I’ll bottom-line what my trip down memory lane reinforced to me.

• Marrying was a biggest mistake I’ve made, by far.
• Bad thinking is a problem (see immediately above).
• Life is short.
• While it’s good to do things with the future in mind, allow yourself to enjoy the moment and smell the roses sometimes, without worrying too much about the future.
• Perspectives, mindsets, and goals change (which is another reason not to marry).

Beyond the trite “You can choose to be happy!”, what most people mean when they refer to the happiest time in their life is that they had comfort, pleasure, joy, hope, some sense of belonging and security, and they were meeting their obligations well with little frustration and without tough choices; they weren’t dealing with much unpleasantness. If someone has ever had such a time in their life, they’re very fortunate.

That will usually be tied to certain aspects of their life.

Environment. Where they live, where they work and/or go to school, where they spend the rest of their time are what they feel are good places.

Health. Their physical and mental health and abilities are good. Mental health includes accepting themselves; not giving up on improving themselves, but not hating themselves.

Worldview. They feel at peace with, or even joyful, in their worldview and beliefs about reality, the spiritual, and their place in the universe.

Family. Whether their parents/grandparents/siblings or their spouse/kids/grandkids, things are generally well with them or the person is at peace about them/not having them. Family members aren’t dying, being prosecuted or incarcerated for serious crimes, or going through divorce.

Education/Work. They can be proud and feel like they are doing well and doing good.

Finances. They’re not struggling.

Love and Sex. They feel good about their situation as far as dating, relationships, etc. For some people, that’s going to be completely abstaining. For others it will mean playing the field, and for others it will mean what they think is a great marriage.

Friends. They feel like their interaction with friends are going well. Like love and sex, that can look very different depending on the individual.

Hobbies, interests, activities. Basically, what people choose to do outside of their survival obligations. This is their recreation, play, or passion. If they feel like these things are going well, going their way, that can bring happiness.

For me, and I suspect for almost everyone, there was no “golden years” period when “everything” was great. That’s not to say I haven’t had a great life. I’m aware there are billions of people wishing they’d been living a life like mine. But someone can, for example, have an exciting romance and a new job they love, and yet someone close to them is dying. There’s almost certainly going to be “something” that is painful, unpleasant, etc., and hindsight can put things into a context of realizing your happiness was short-sighted or out of ignorance, or that you had it good, even much better than now, and you didn’t appreciate it at the time.

So “happiest” is a relative term. I can tell you when, say, I felt happiest in my family life with the family I created. But it doesn’t mean the other areas of my life were their happiest. Plus, it turned out I was delusional. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Childhood summers were great. I loved being out of school, having freedom, being able to ride my bike all over town, swimming, body surfing, etc. If I had to pick the happiest time in my life it might be; for example, the summer I was 10. The summer I was 16, my last summer of freedom, was pretty good, too. Still hadn’t ever had even a real kiss, though.

Marriage sellers like Dennis Prager and Focus on the Family want you to think you’ll be happiest with a spouse and kids. For some people, that’s probably true.  

With the right wardrobe, lighting, makeup, and photographer, my wife, ours kids, and I could pass for one of those Focus on the Family brochure families in a snapshot, smiling and laughing and everything is HAPPY. But I now realize nobody has that life for more than a few moments here and there. I also realize that the churches I’ve attended in my adulthood and the ministries I’ve attended teach as though the Christian Bible has far more clear limits on relationships and sexuality than it does.

Maybe I could have been happier if I knew “then” what I know now. Maybe I’d be happier now, having made different decisions and taken different actions?

I’m generally happy, or at least content. These days, if my wife gets into one of her “moods” (which risks being a psychotic break) or one of our kids has a meltdown, that’s going to make things miserable for me. I don’t get enough time for my interests, my friends, my parents and siblings. I’m not working my dream job. My home is not even approaching the level of my childhood home in its great location, features, and condition. While my net worth on paper is much higher than it used to be, I was better off financially when I could make my decisions alone and was earning significantly more than I needed for my lifestyle. At this point I doubt I’ll ever have a sex life again that is as good as the sex life I had certain years before I married.

Perhaps the best time of my adult life was in the time between when my last exclusive girlfriend decided we were no longer a couple (but would still call me over for sex) and when my to-be wife and I became a couple. If only I had accepted that I could thrive being free for the rest of my life and orient my life around that. I quite possibly could have bought a better home during the crash and also have landed a dream job.

Overall, life isn’t terrible. But this is not the happiest time in my life. I have many blessings, to be sure. I don’t take them for granted.

The Risks of an "Ancestry" DNA Test

With Christmas upon on us [this entry has been bumped up but it still relevant], a lot of people are going to get the "gift" of a DNA test marketed for ancestry determination. "Oh! Look! I'm 5% Estonian!" Whether from "23AndMe" or Ancestry or whatever, these things have HUGE risks and even if you refuse to submit your DNA, your life can be ruined from someone in your family submitting theirs. 

Does it REALLY matter what your genetic ancestry is? I suppose you might be interested if it can get you a piece of casino profits or a scholarship to college.

But lets consider the risks, in no particular order:

1) A corporation and/or a totalitarian foreign government will have your DNA. Think of what they can do with information.

2) Wouldn't this make it easier for law enforcement to get your DNA?

3) Surprise! Your father isn't your biodad or your sibling is really your half sibling. Ain't that great? Wow, this certainly improves your life, right?

4) Surprise! Your dad has another kid out there who now finds you and your inheritance just got smaller. Oh, and now your sister has fallen in love with that guy (who is your half brother and hers) and they're having sex. (Yes, that happens.)

5) [KNOCK KNOCK] "Hi! I'm the child you never knew you had! Yeah, it turns out that one night stand you had with that girl from that one class in college got pregnant and never told you! Now you owe me 20 years of child support. PAY UP!!!"

An upside from taking a test like that is unlikely. The potential downsides are HUGE! Don't buy those tests for others, discourage your family from doing them, and don't do one yourself.

If you REALLY feel a DNA test is necessary, use a discreet service that doesn't advertise on television, doesn't post results online, and guarantees strict confidentiality.

The Formula For a Good Marriage

The Prager U account on X asked for the formula for a good marriage.

My reply was

1. Don’t involve expensive rings

2. Don’t have a ceremony

3. Don’t sign a terrible state contract

4. Don’t live together

5. Don’t claim exclusivity

6. Don’t co-mingle finances

7. Don’t conceive kids

That should make it wonderful.

That still leaves some variety. For example, the same two people can see each other every day, if they so choose. They can act as though they are exclusive with each other. They can buy expensive things together or for each other (just not with a shared loan).

But I'd advise most men stay free, meaning They NOT agree to exclusivity. I'd also tell them not to spend much money on any one woman; certainly not more that $60 per date (zero is optimal), including all expenses, and don't see any one woman every day.

What would be a formula for a good marriage that involved actually living together, being monogamous, and maybe even having kids?

• Perpetually shared or compatible goals
• Shared values
• Compatible personalities
• Ongoing shared chemistry and mutual affection, providing all of the romance, sex, and friendship each other need in a partner
• He could stare at her forever, she always feels protected by him
  
• Both are responsible, kind, quality individuals who can handle life
• Effective partnership with division of labor in which they each put the other first on an ongoing basis
• They turn TO each other instead of AGAINST each other
  

Unfortunately, almost nobody is going to have that. They might have what seems like that for a moment, maybe even years. Almost nobody is going to have that for decades. Even most marriage sellers will admit that; they just think people should suffer through marriage anyway.

People do change. One thing that changes is goals, because either they reach them, they give up trying or are denied, and their priorities and desires change. Compatibility is almost never going to last decades unless at least one of them sacrifices much or avoids what they really want.

There are things I used to do and wanted to do that I gave up on because I have obligations to a wife and children. There are things I thought I'd be getting with a wife and children that I didn't.

Resentment builds, especially in wives. She will remember every...single...thing... he ever did she ever thought was wrong or wronged her in some way. What do you think that does to how she feels about him, as time goes by and the list gets longer? And when she reveals it to him, how do you think it makes him feel?

Bedrooms die. Romance dies. Spouses end up merely tolerating each other, at best they “love the one you’re with” or otherwise stay married only on paper, abusing (even killing!) each other, or divorcing.

And, there’s so much more that interferes with things being good on an ongoing basis.

Here's what marriage sellers really think is the formula for a good marriage:

A man and woman marry (often, young) and crank out babies, maybe as many as they can. And then their whole life becomes about raising those kids and "role modeling" a "good marriage" to those kids so those kids will continue the cycle. The man (and maybe the woman, depending) earn money for their family and to pay taxes and give to their religious institution and charity. Sex matters, but only because it takes sex to make the babies. As such, the man and the woman should only ever have sex with each other. He will bust his butt romancing her, and if they only have sex to conceive children, he'll shut up about it and pretend he's happy. Lather, rinse, repeat with each generation. 

So, the formula for a “good” marriage is essentially castration and dual lobotomies, rendering the spouses too fearful, in a rut, unmotivated, or masochistic to leave it.

What a downer.

But there is hope and happiness to be had. Learn to love being free. Thrive. Enjoy life, and not just for a few years. Enjoy life throughout your life. Enjoy it because you do what you truly want to do. Realize that there is no “soul mate” for anyone, and that moments, even years, of good companionship doesn’t have to mean enduring bad companionship for decades. Stay free and encourage others to stay free, too. Don’t try to tie them down, and don’t let them tie you down.

Don’t Let Thanksgiving Cause Your Downfall

Dear Fellow American Men (or any man who is dealing with the pending American holiday),

(If you’re not, consider this a warning for the December holidays.)

Don’t let the Thanksgiving holiday and weekend lead you to giving up your autonomy, peace, and freedom by sinking into the quicksand of a “relationship.”

You shouldn’t be meeting or spending more time with the family or friends of a woman you’ve been dating. She shouldn’t be spending the holiday with you. You should be scarce this time of year for any woman you’ve been seeing regularly.

Spending holidays like this with such a woman is the path to humiliation, emasculation, and drudgery.

If you have plans with such a woman, it’s not too late to cancel. And you should. You don’t want her thinking of you as husband material.

Let me, a husband, assure you: it would be better to spend this time alone than set yourself for being ensnared in a terrible state contract and the awful social contract culture has attached to it.

Don’t become a beaten dog.

See your family or see friends. If not this year, maybe next year you can plan something for friends who can’t go “home” or prefer not to? If nothing else, I hope you’ve learned to enjoy solitude and can enjoy it now.

Take evasive maneuvers now!

Dennis Prager on the Burned "Excuse" For Not Marrying

Dennis Prager has one of the best talk radio shows and writes some of the best columns and books. [Update: He is recovering from a serious accident and isn’t doing a show currently.] He is generally a social conservative. He's a religious Jew, and if I understand correctly, he aligns most of all with Conservative Judaism. While many social conservatives rail against divorce, Prager does not. Nobody can accuse him of being a "hypocrite" for being twice divorced. (He is currently married.)

I haven't heard him or anyone else explain why he has been through two divorces, and I wouldn't expect him to. For all I know, he was a great husband in both cases and his wives simply decided to leave. I have not heard him talk about the conditions and results of his divorces, either.

Prager unabashedly promotes marrying.

Here's a disagreement I have with him.

He scoffs at the fear of divorce preventing people from (re)marrying, citing that we don't stop driving because of getting into car accidents.

Well, putting aside that some people do stop driving because of an accident, let's explore this analogy. I've heard Prager cite this analogy when addressing that a man who has been burned by divorce himself - rather than citing the divorce of his parents or siblings or friends - and is reluctant to remarry. I've never heard him ask if the person who is reluctant to remarry has minor children. Chances are, they do.

"Second" marriages with minor children have a 70% divorce rate, and that's only counting the ones that end in legal divorce, not the ones where couple is miserable (or the husband is) or separated or the marriage would have ended in divorce if a spouse hadn't died before it could happen.

Let's say that in buying and driving your first car, that no matter how good you took care of it, no matter how much test driving* you did, no matter how well you drove, it didn't stop someone else who was driving it from crashing it. As a result of that accident, you lost custody of your children, you had to leave your home, you had to pay for two legal teams, you lost half of everything you'd earned, you had to make ongoing payments to the person who crashed your car (and rather than being appreciative and apologetic, that person constantly badmouthed you to anyone who'd listen), and you had to pay a percentage of your salary to children who now hate your guts. You can even remove some of these results from consideration.

Let's say there was a 70% chance of  the same thing happening if you bought another car and let someone else drive it (which is what breadwinning men do when they marry). Would it be a good idea for you to do that?

Now add in that you can either 1) get everything you got by buying and driving your own car without doing so, or 2) live a nice life without those things.

Would it really not be valid to be "afraid" or reluctant to buy another car that someone else could drive?

Prager does acknowledge that some men are unfairly screwed over by family law and courts, and he regularly discusses the difficulties between men and women. But he has this thing about how you should fully experience life, and about how marriage makes people better, and that a guy isn't a real man unless he's supporting a wife. This is despite his insistence that dependency, when it comes to government programs, hurts people. As far as fully experiencing life and making people better, there are people who have, intentionally or accidentally, been left in a wilderness and have had to struggle to survive and make it back to civilization. That was a life experience. That made them a better person. Should we all do that, too?

Prager, at least weekly, says that happiness is a moral obligation. For some people, avoiding remarriage helps them stay happy.



Dr. Laura has taken a different approach. She strongly discourages people with minor children from remarrying, But if someone doesn't have minor children and is reluctant to remarry because of being burned in the past, or is already remarried and is not feeling secure in the relationship because of what a different spouse did in the past, she will point out that they aren't with the same person. True, but there commonalities in the laws, and courts and culture. It's a little like saying "Sure, someone stole your car when you were in that other city, but you're in this city now, with different people." It's not irrational to think there's a good chance the car may be stolen. That's one reason we have insurance. When it comes to remarrying, the best insurance is not to do it at all.



*Test driving can mean any number of things: dating, courting, fornication, shacking up. People can "test drive" without fornicating or shacking up, but others do test drive with those things. I don't recall if I've ever heard Prager's view on the moral status of intercourse, other forms of sexual interaction, or literally sleeping together. But let's not deceive anyone. There have been people who've shacked up and later decided to end their marriages, but there are also people who didn't even fornicate who've gone through divorce, too.

It's Like A Vasectomy Advertisement

MISSING THE CLOSENESS wrote in to Dear Abby:

A decade ago, before my wife and I had children, we were deeply in love with each other. Everything was great in the bedroom and outside. After we had children, my wife did a 180. She's no longer affectionate with me at all.

We barely hold hands, we never hug, and kissing is prohibited except maybe a kiss before bed. We kiss like it's an obligation. There's no touching in our relationship.

Why aren't you rushing to get married, men??? I am emphasizing certain words and phrases because a lot of comments accused him of only caring about sex.

In the bedroom we used to be more physical and less restrained. I wanted her to be satisfied, without getting more specific. Now, if we are intimate, it's once a month during the summer and maybe twice a month otherwise. She won't allow me to touch parts of her body, and she's physically and emotionally remote.

Wow, he might be getting more sex than me. How sad for my marriage.

When I addressed this with her, she informed me that other couples are intimate less frequently than we are.

True! And some husbands torture and murder their wife.

Why Do Men Like Lingerie?

Why do men like lingerie?

For men who like women to wear lingerie, there are two basic reasons:

1) It looks more revealing and sexier than baggy sweatpants, granny panties, or just about anything else a woman would wear other than skimpy swimsuits or revealing yoga pants.

2) It signals she's feeling sexual or is willing to get sexual. There are swimsuits more revealing than some lingerie, but the swimsuit signals she's going to hang out by the pool, on the beach, or sun herself. There are yoga pants more revealing than some lingerie, but again, yoga pants don't signal "Let's get sexual."

Most men prefer women to be entirely naked rather than in lingerie. But most men do prefer lingerie to regular clothing or pajamas that don't reveal much.

Some women find lingerie figure-flattering, accentuating certain parts of their body and hiding things about which they are unhappy or self-conscious. We get that. But women do tend to be far more critical of their own bodies than men, especially a man who is with them. But if it helps her feel more confident and helps her to be more enthusiastic, that's definitely a plus.

When a wife surprises her husband with wearing lingerie, especially if he normally has to persuade her to agree to sex, it can be a nice surprise to him.

I plan to write more about why men like certain things when it comes to women. I fully get it that some women, even some women who claim to be heterosexual, don't give a rat's behind about what men like. But there may be a few women who are curious, and I can be honest. Maybe you can put what I tell you to good use?

Also, as with anything else, especially anything sexual, "men like" is a generalization. There will ALWAYS be outliers or a minority of men who think/feel differently. In this case, that means a few men will find lingerie a turn off, or will prefer it to nudity.

Pledging Marriage For Life Doesn't Make Sense

Life is very different than when our marriage laws where written. Life is very different than when our customs about marriage were solidified.

Most people used to live their entire lives in the same place, unless they got traded away in slavery or were sent off to war. Upward mobility wasn't much of a thing. You grew up working the family farm or in the family business, or you got an apprenticeship in someone else's family business. Usually, everyone in the area shared the same religion. Most people lived in farming villages but even if you lived in a city, your prospects for partners were minimal. If you got paired up with someone, either per your family or your own efforts, you stuck with them because there was a little other choice. If you were a woman, leaving was likely to mean destitution. A man could rape his wife and beat her without running afoul of the law or society, and he could beat his children into submission or kick them out of the home. But for anyone who needed to raise his own help, a fertile wife and resulting children were appreciated. Leisure and recreation were limited and retirement wasn't much of a thing.

Today, we can reach around the world instantly with our communications, and travel to anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. We have the potential to interact with millions of people over our lifetime. Education and career training can take decades, we can take promotions offered from the other side of the planet, and changing jobs, changing entire careers, and moving from one residence to another is quite common. Family law can reward a woman for divorcing her husband, and her friends and other cultural elements might urge her to do so. Leisure and recreation play a much larger role in the lives of most of us, and most people expect to retire with decades left to live.

Some Free Women Say They Wanted a Family

Melanie Notkin, an apparently free woman, writes about free women who wanted to marry and have kids, and contrasting their situation with women who did marry.

“I was 22 when we met,” Lisa said of her future husband. “We broke up a few times, but I stuck with it. I gave him ultimatums!”

That's a train wreck.

It took the man, 13 years Lisa’s senior, six years to put a ring on it.

The fool.

“You can’t control who you fall in love with and who falls in love with you,” I added, in my defense.

Chemistry matters.

“Love shmove!” Lisa said with a look of disbelief in her eyes as if someone had pulled the wool over mine.

Lisa's poor husband.

Was it better to have never truly loved and gotten married than to have loved and lost it all?

Best to stay free.

What I’d said was true: I had been in love and had my heart broken. A few times. And as the years passed, each disappointment grew as my hope for children dwindled.

This wasn’t my plan. I was ready to get married at age 21, two years after my mother’s early death at age 52. I yearned to recreate her maternal love with my own children.

Yikes.

While I had grown up in a traditional Jewish home, after she died, I became more observant, believing on some level that religious young men were more likely ready to create a family that would gather around the warm glow of the Shabbat table on Friday nights. (Later, I’d learn at least my instincts were right.)

At age 24, I packed up my life in Montreal, Canada, and moved to New York City to find that great Jewish man, the future father of my children. It was surely the best possible plan. 

This month marks 30 years in Manhattan, still single and no chance of becoming a mother. As the old Jewish adage goes: We plan; God laughs.

Now why is that? Not enough Jewish men in the right age range? Did she not put herself in the right places? Did she not give off the right signals?

My second book, a memoir called Otherhood: Modern Women Finding a New Kind of Happiness was published in 2014. Along with my own story, I share the experiences of Generation X and older millennial women who expected the love, marriage, and children our mothers had, along with greater access to higher education and the careers they didn’t have. It wasn’t that most of my generation chose the latter over the former. We simply expected that we would date and pay the rent simultaneously, just like the men we were dating did.

Maybe men and women are different?

I first chose a low-paying non-profit career with greater flexibility to take care of my future children. I invested time and money in online dating sites in my twenties, matchmaking services in my thirties, and singles events (or big ticket charity events where there would be plenty of singles), into my forties.

We don't know how she behaved during her activities, though.

Now, age 54, I am among the 25% percent of Americans who by age 40 have never married. And I have surpassed the 46.7% of never-married women ages 40-50 who are childless.

Keep up the good work, guys!

It’s not that we did not want to marry. We did.

Wanting to marry isn't the same thing as wanting to be a wife, though.

The breadth of women who did everything they were supposed to do to prepare themselves for the life they imagined now stretches to the younger cohort who land on the college campus of their choice only to have few men to choose from. Or, they’ve graduated and moved to the big city, only to find it just as hard to meet someone. Childless women in their twenties out-earn their male peers in 20 metropolitan areas. For these women, meeting a man who is also ready to meet their match is more challenging than ever.

Why does it matter if she earns more, hmm?

Nonetheless, this narrative assumes women don’t plan well, make poor choices, put our careers first, are too picky, or believe love is a fairytale. And for those of us who didn’t find love in time for the children we yearn(ed) for and who grieve our loss, it’s often assumed we were too naive to understand our fertility would end. We waited too long, they say. Left it too late, they admonish. As if we didn’t have painful monthly reminders. For most of us, it wasn’t our choice.

I can believe that there are women who did "everything" right and still never married even though they wanted to marry. Better they not have married than to have had a bad marriage, though.

While more young women today say they are remaining single and childless by choice, I have my doubts that it’s what most of them truly want.

Believe women.

Perhaps she would have been more likely to marry if family law and courts weren't so terrible? Something to think about. Because we can change laws and courts.

When A Wife Rejects Her Husband

A lot of husbands and now-ex-husbands know the pain of a sexually rejecting wife. By "rejecting" I mean at least one of the following:

1. Refusing to have sex at all.

2. Only agreeing to sex infrequently. "Infrequently" is a relative term. If they were having some form of sex every day for years and now she only agrees to sex once per week even though no changes in their life would prevent her from agreeing more frequently, that's rejection. Other husbands WISH they could get it once per week. They might get it once a month or a couple of times per year.

3. Reducing sexual options to a bare minimum. This could mean rejecting acts she used to do, especially if she did them before they had kids or before they married. It could be consistently restricting sex to intercourse or manual sex even though he has told her he wants to other other common sex acts. It could be her impersonating a corpse (when she knows her husband isn't into that sort of thing). 

4. Transforming her appearance and/or changing her behavior in ways that will kill his attraction. Significant weight gain; shortening her hair and/or changing her hair style/color to something he doesn't like; always wearing frumpy clothes when she used to wear sexy vestments; poor grooming/hygiene; cruel, belittling, or disrespectful statements (when he isn't into that sort of thing); expressing her general dislike of sex when she previously at least pretended to enjoy it - these are all forms of rejection, make no mistake about it. 

5. Starfishing. She might say something, with a sigh of exasperation or contempt, “OK, if YOU really want to!” …if she says anything at all, then imitates a corpse or starfish. She might even tell him to hurry up and otherwise make it very clear she’s only doing this as mercy to him. 

Why I Don’t Call Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Dr. Laura isn’t getting enough calls. Talk radio in general gets fewer calls than it used to, but the Dr. Laura Program is built around calls. As with many other hosts, she can monologue. But she wants calls.

We can tell she’s not getting enough calls because she dropped down to four “live” programs per week, but will still monologue for a while in the middle of the program, read letters, and yet still fill time with playing unannounced repeat calls, some from years ago and some from a few days ago. The screeners sometimes have to put unprepared callers up.

Her program can be heard live across North America. Why isn’t she getting enough callers?

Well, I know why I haven’t called. Maybe Dr. Laura or her staff will learn from me. I’m a paid subscriber to her program, not a general SiriusXM listener. [Update: currently listening to the podcasted hours on SiriusXM] I have thought for a long time that she’s an overall positive influence. I have concerns, questions, decisions, and situations for which Dr. Laura’s focused, experienced, sincere evaluation might help. I can probably disguise my voice enough without sounding weird. But I won’t call her.

Here are the reasons why.

1. She’s not there to help the caller. Callers are fodder for Dr. Laura getting her messages to listeners. She sees this as helpful to listeners. She has repeatedly said as much. I have no interest in being used as essentially an object lesson or warning against something I can’t change now. I already do that on this blog! She has helped many callers, but it's not her primary goal, and I believe she has hurt some callers. She will not take or will quickly dump calls that don’t easily serve her agenda, and spend much time countering a call that she might see as conflicting with her agenda after the caller is no longer able to clarify or defend. She usually won’t help callers who need to know HOW to discern, determine, or elicit something from others, so she gets curt or scolding if a caller says “I don’t know” regarding the reasons behind another person’s behavior. She can tell them how to find out, but she usually won’t. She will, more often, try to get the other person onto the program as well, which almost never happens.

2. Sometimes, she doesn’t listen. Per the point above, she doesn’t really need to listen to the caller in order to make assumptions and pontificate. But it can be a problem for her when listeners who are paying close attention notice, because they want her advice and statements to logically flow from what the caller said. And the caller sure wants that! There are reasons she might not listen to any given caller, other than preparing her retort or daydreaming. She has ads to read, other calls listed on her screen, work going on around her home (she works from home), a really great view, her dog, program staff talking in her ear (every once in a while we hear them when we’re not supposed to), and she eats, unmuted, during the program, while taking calls.

3. She doesn’t accept that crosstalk is a normal part of phone conversations, and reacts angrily to it. The way phones, especially mobile phones, work, there is no good way to avoid all crosstalk. Every other talk program host seems to have accepted that some crosstalk is to be expected, and calmly and politely work around it.

4. She interrupts, and not pleasantly. Related to the above, she will often ask the caller a question, the caller will start to answer, Dr. Laura will interrupt the caller mid-sentence, then be upset that the caller didn’t immediately stop the moment she interrupted. This can sidetrack the entire call. She has had many methods of interrupting, but the one she currently favors is a loud, high-pitched “WOO HOO!!! WOO HOO!!!” No thanks! Maybe try a gong? At least it would be funny. 

5. We have an incompatible worldview. I'm a Theist who believes in miracles, including that the Lord can and does operate in our lives. This does NOT excuse inaction on our part when, where, and how we should act. Followers of Jesus are supposed to do certain things and not do certain other things. Dr. Laura has decidedly dismissed certain things Theists in general and Christians in particular consider part of life. Sometimes her worldview, which appears to be Deistic or Atheistic, conflicts with this. This has an impact on the advice she gives and can cause her to sound critical of Christian theology.

Also, one of the things I'd ask her about is how to handle divorcing my wife in terms of my communication and other behaviors, if I were to do that. But Dr. Laura tends to think men owe women money for sex, whereas I see sex as something people share. Of course the law would force me to pay a lot in a divorce, but I don't see it as immoral to seek how to pay as little as legally possible.

6. Dr. Laura lives in a different world. Most radio hosts and most advice mavens pretty much live in the same world as the rest of us. For a long time now, Dr. Laura has had a net worth of tens of millions of dollars, if not more. She lives in an exclusive estate she tried to sell for 20+ million dollars. She pretty much works a job she loves, with no boss, four days per week, from home, for probably about 4 hours per day mid-day. Good for her, and I mean that, for doing so well. But it has influenced her advice sometimes, when she fails to understand the limitations and demands on her callers. One big thing I’ll be facing includes retirement. She often speaks out against it. I don’t need to be told not to retire.

Furthermore, disapproving of shacking up, casual sex, and making "salad" (blended) families is fine, but failing to grasp what present-day dynamics are, whether we like them or not, and deal with them, is a problem. We hear this when she tells a teen or young woman that the guy they had sex with is telling all of his friends, as if that is still some deterrent. There’s no stigma anymore in casual sex, unmarried cohabitation, and stepfamily constructs, or having a big wedding when any or all of these things have been involved. As my kids reach adulthood, I might be dealing with these things whether I like it or not. 

She has an unreasonable bias against technology. She rejects the use social media because she had to struggle to get her platform and now just any lowly person can have their message go viral even though they haven’t “earned” it. These things are a part of my life and there’s nothing wrong with that. 

7. She has a terrible history with family and close relationships. Her critics have made a point in pointing out her estrangement from her mother, which is part of the reason her mother was dead for quite a while before anyone knew. In Dr. Laura’s defense, as she has pointed out, her mother apparently had no friends to notice she wasn’t present, but Dr. Laura also wasn’t close to her father, apparently isn’t close to her sister, didn’t keep her first marriage together, and either her son and/or daughter-in-law requested she not talk about them on air anymore, other than mentioning stories of his childhood, or they’re estranged. Whatever is going on, it’s very different from when she’d frequently mention them, have current pictures of the three of them together posted on social media (which is OK for her to use), and have the DIL on the air with her to talk about HR situations. We also know Dr. Laura, well into adulthood and her career, decided to practice Orthodox Judaism (her mother was an Italian Catholic, her father Jewish), got her husband and son into it as well, then she stopped, apparently because of some problems with some people. What’s the common denominator in all of this?

We don’t really know how her relationship to her late husband was. We know she didn’t give their son her husband’s last name, and we know what little she has said: he was ill or in delicate health for years before he passed, he agreed with her when she said she’d destroy him if he ever hurt their son (said when she was pregnant), he protected her while she was very pregnant and crossing a busy street, he’d gas up her car. We really haven’t been told more, so we don’t know more than that and how the relationship started. He doesn’t show up in the stories of her son’s childhood other than handling something at the school office.

Yes, a heart surgeon can treat heart ailments even if they have their own heart ailments or even unhealthy behaviors. But in the context with everything else, it’s a concern. I have benefited from what she’s said and written about marriage and family, but it has to be taken with much salt.

8. General rudeness. I can agree that, sometimes, her tactics are “necessary” to push a caller out of their rut. However, that’s not always the case, as other professionals have demonstrated. She herself will, occasionally, show that she can be gentle and pleasant in dealing with a caller, so we know she can do it.

It’s definitely rude for the host of a call-in talk program to make assertions and bring up topics but refuse to take calls pertaining to them. If I could call her and discuss some of her assertions I think might be flawed, I might. But she doesn’t allow for that. She will not argue nor debate. As such, I’m left with thinking she’s mistaken or being too selective in the studies she uses; maybe I’m wrong, but she won’t take the steps to show why. Callers aren’t even allowed to address something relating to a previous caller other than to ask for “clarification.” 

So, there it is. I don't want to be misinterpreted and verbally beat up, I can't ask many questions I'd like to ask, and I have doubts that for some of my specific concerns, I'd be getting advice that isn't being skewed by her own obvious biases and the relational failures she doesn't discuss. Those are the reasons I don't call. I could call her to praise her for the many things I do like about her program, books, social media, etc., but that’s boring radio.