Same-Sex Attraction Should Halt Wedding Planning

Hey ladies, how would you like to marry this guy? SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

After many months of dating a wonderful woman, "Amy," we have set a date for our wedding.

How many months exactly?

However, there's a problem. As the date draws closer, Amy is concerned about my lack of physical intimacy with her.

Why is there a lack of "intimacy"? Do you have more moral limitations on sex outside of marriage than she does? That can be a serious issue.

While I am very attracted to her, I am having some doubts. I recently noticed a young man at my health club and experienced some unfamiliar feelings. I don't think I am gay, but I am no longer sure that Amy is what I have been looking for.

If you're not reasonably sure, you shouldn't get married.

How old are you? The answer may determine if you're homosexual or bisexual. If you're younger, maybe you're not fully aware of your sexuality?

Should I push these feelings aside and continue our plans for the wedding?

You can push the feelings aside and still call off the wedding.

Or should I tell Amy the truth about these feelings?

You should tell her you shouldn't get married, which is the truth, regardless of whether these feelings are a fluke or something you've simply ignored until now.

I personally know people who had parents who left the marriage and family to take up with someone the same sex. This is seen by our culture as more acceptable that leaving for someone of the opposite sex, but to the kids and spouse it is all unacceptable. One should not make a vow or a commitment with their fingers crossed behind their back. Do not get married and make babies unless you have certainty. And if you did make those vows and made babies and later realized it was a mistake because you are more attracted to the same-sex, and you did stick it out until your children were grown, then you are a honorable person who deserves major kudos for putting your commitments ahead of your desires.

Ladies, if you were his intended, what would you prefer he say and do?

Be Afraid

If you want a good example of how and why some men get to a point where they hate women, or distrust women, or decide not to look for a wife, or decide to insulate themselves from relying on a woman for anything, then check out this entry (and the comments) at MarkyMark's Thoughts. His blog gets a lot of traffic, and taking that into account along with the comments, it appears that this kind of experience and thinking is familiar to a lot of people. Your father, uncle, brother, or son may have had to or may yet face experiences just like the ones described. Notice that these men have the reactions they do because of what they have experienced themselves; whereas so many of the women on the other side of the coin are hostile towards or paranoid about men because their single/divorced/overbearing mothers, the media, and academia have told them to be.

For the men I'm talking abut, this isn't just a matter of "guilt by association" or prejudice along the lines of dismissing all African-Americans as criminals because you've seen a few African-American people in the news for being convicted of crimes, and you've never known an African-American on a personal level very well. Skin color does not induce criminal behavior. For some of these men, it is the women they do know personally who have sent them over the edge, with their sex (and associated ways of thinking and emoting) and socialization as a sex being an integral part of why the women behaved the way they did.

It seems that the differences between men and women are real, and it really does matter how boys are raised and how girls are raised, and it is important how men and women socialize separately and with each other. Treating men and women identically (which is not necessary in order to treat them equally) in every way makes both miserable or angry. Showing favoritism towards women while or after insisting on equality fosters bitterness. Some of the traditions we have abandoned were doing a lot of good, and haven't been replaced by suitable substitutes – perhaps because, in some cases, none exist. Walls were removed and now we're finding out in a very painful way why some of those walls were there in the first place.

In the blogosphere - one of the few places where men (and sympathetic women) can feely speak about their experiences with reasonable protection against retaliation along the levels of firing, lawsuits, divorce, false accusations of crime, assault, vandalism, etc., - you can find an awful lot of horror stories about how the culture has denigrated and penalized masculinity (and femininity as collateral damage), chivalry, men, husbands, fatherhood, and marriage, and what the consequences have been.

We can't survive as a healthy society if this is the norm for male-female interactions; when irresponsibility, incivility, and malignant narcissism are rewarded and their opposites punished. Not when it happens in gender relations, not when it happens as government policy in general. Many would say we already lost our societal health long ago.

I pray that good women and good men can somehow raise enough good women and good men in the next generation. I want each of my kids to have a realistic option of having a happy marriage, if that is what they want - and a healthy country.

Follow Up To Yesterday

Here are a couple of follow-up letters to Dr. Laura related to the call I wrote about yesterday.

"J." wrote:

Your whiny caller today (9/27/10) was so far off the mark regarding her husband looking at other women. My husband and I have been married 40 years. Every year, for the last 25 or so, we attend an event where not only are there girls in bikinis but great numbers of them "flash."

Mardi Gras? Or the Red Hat Society Annual Convention?

My friends ask why I take my man to this event. It sparks him up, saves me a lot of foreplay, and I think it's a hoot. It's a shame some women don't realize that when almost any man stops looking its time to shovel the dirt over him.

Who do you think has a happier marriage? J and her hubby, or Greg and Lisa? Well, Greg and Lisa wrote to Dr. Laura, too:

Funny thing, I have never been called whiny my entire life and even my husband was surprised you called me whiny.

And I'm sure some people who usually don't listen to Dr. Laura heard that call and dismissed the show because they think the host is rude. But read on:

I listened to your commentary afterwards and it started to sink in. But it was actually your comment to the lady with the husband who had the emotional affair that it really clicked. You told her that she was kicking him out of their nest.

I realized I was over-reacting to all my husband's faults because I was testing him. I was kicking him out of the nest - not only to see IF he would fly back, but how hard he was willing to try to fly back.

Breakthrough!

The truth is, he is a good man and he's trying. It's not going to change over night. Just like I can't forgive him over night but I too am trying. This is all going to take time. I am going to stop kicking him out of our nest. I am going to stop testing him and allow him to come back to me.

I love happy endings. So to speak.

Distressed by Normal Masculine Traits

There was a call yesterday during the first hour of Dr. Laura that was painful to hear. The callers were a married couple, Lisa and Greg, with four kids, from ages 8 down to 2, and married for something like 12 years (the audio wasn't too clear).

It sounded like they have a business together. Lisa started by saying that a year ago, she found Greg looking at porn at work. What that meant was not defined – centerfold pictures? Pictures of sex? Videos of naked women? Videos of sex? Professional? Amateur? We weren't told, but from the rest of the call I'm thinking it was something like simple female nudity, the kind you can find in Playboy or on cable. I'm not justifying any of that, just pointing out that not everything labeled "porn" is all the same.

Lisa said she kind of excused it because of the work-related stress they were under, and she wanted to make it work out for the kids, implying that she was ready to leave her husband over this. She said Greg has lots of excuses for for checking out other women in what is "not exactly porn", which sounds like swimsuit model pictures or something like that, or heck, maybe Dancing with the Stars.

Greg added some background, saying they'd been together for ten years before they got married, and that he was viewing whatever they're calling porn on and off during that time, but that Lisa didn't know it. He ended up telling her, and tried to stop, but viewed it on and off once they got married and then he got caught. She threatened to leave the marriage, but she gave him a second chance and he vowed never to do it again.

Greg hasn't viewed in the last year, and was proud to say that, but other things have popped up, such as stuff he'll see on TV or online – stuff that isn't porn but she still doesn't want him to see. He said he struggles with it, and that is has nothing to do with his wife's beauty because she's beautiful and attractive.

They made the call because they had been at a public place where women were wearing bikinis. He was worried ahead of time about this, and wanted to hide from her the fact that he would notice other women. However, Lisa confronted him and he admitted that he was noticing some of the other women. So Lisa was upset.

Dr. Laura said she was with Lisa up until the last part, as Dr. Laura expects men to look at women in bikinis - that is precisely why the women wear bikinis. Greg made the mistake of saying that he uses the images sometimes to reach orgasm. Lisa claimed she doesn't fantasize, to which Dr. Laura said she's very unusual. Lisa and Greg have never had anyone else – sounds to me like they probably got together as young teens, otherwise they would have married sooner. That's my guess, based on the nature of the call and their tone.

Lisa couldn't let it go. Dr. Laura asked what the alternatives are. Lisa said she doesn't feel like Greg is working on it (even after a year of success). Lisa wouldn't stop rehashing, so Dr. Laura told them to go into counseling and ended the call – mercifully.

Then Dr. Laura recapped the call (after a break) and gave her thoughts. She pointed out that Greg did tell Lisa about the issue before they married, he promised to stop, but didn't. He's been successful for the past year. A guy can't watch TV or go to the mall without seeing "soft porn", and even pre-teen girls dress immodestly. He made a big effort, he looked at women in bikinis like any other man, and then Lisa wouldn't stop whining. He's not perfect, but open... he's a decent guy who is struggling. As Dr. Laura saw it, the options where to divorce, to keep things the way they are with all of the moaning and whining and bitching, or to appreciate Greg's progress and stop whining.

She said that women find it upsetting if a guy finds some other woman pretty, and that the competitiveness is destructive.

I agree.

Ladies, you are by far the most important woman in the world to your husband, but you're not the only person that can possibly catch your husband's eye, or make him horny. This is the brutal reality of male nature and male sexual nature:

1. Our sexual engine is usually on, even if just idling. This is why we can be watching an intense, professional sports game (decidedly unsexy) and a sexy beer commercial "works", or why we can have a lousy day and still want to make love.

2. Men are visual creatures who admire the female form. Don't act like you don't know this. There are things you do or don't do precisely because you know this to be true.

3. Female skin gets our attention and turns us on even more than we would be otherwise. It doesn't matter if it is just ink on a page, or pixels on a screen, or a beachgoer walking by and we don't know a darn thing about her. Again, don't act like you don't know this.

4. Most men are attracted to variety in female skin. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world, and your man is still going to notice other women.

5. Even if a man never sees another woman anywhere under any circumstances and never masturbates, he's still going to get erections and will ejaculate. It will happen in his sleep if no other time.

6. It is possible for us to look at a woman (or image of a woman) and not want to do anything else with that woman. This can be true of a man and actual sex, so of course it is that much easier for this to happen with a mere look. Looking at other women or images of women does not mean we don't desire you, want you, find you attractive and sexy, plan to be with you forever, or love you. Yes, the loving thing is to show respect to you by not leering at other women, especially in your presence, but glances happen. It is active leering or fantasizing where the line is crossed.

All of this is natural and normal. You can argue that our sexual nature has been marred by The Fall, but it doesn't change that currently, this is natural and normal for men. Male sexual nature doesn't change just because he got married. His wife should be the one with whom his sexual energy is exchanged, and she should be the recipient of his gazes and loving affections, but he's not going to suddenly stop noticing beauty in others.

It is foolish for a man living in our culture to promise he'll never look, because it is a promise he can't keep. He'll make the promise if it is the only way to get you to stop complaining or to stop you from walking out the door, but it is best not to make the demand in the first place. If you are really bothered and upset, then ask him how you can help him in his effort to reduce the problem of lusting in his heart. You probably can by keeping his testicles empty and giving him something to look at, both in public (tastefully) and in the bedroom. But that is a reduction, not elimination. Expecting perfection is setting yourself up for disappointment. (This is not to say say you should ever accept your husband neglecting lovemaking with you to instead view porn. If a man neglects his accommodating wife for porn, then something is wrong.)

There is no need to be jealous or insecure. Crying because your husband notices that there's another woman with a fine pair is like crying because bees are attracted to flowers. If you married a leering jerk who deliberately cites the bodies of other women as some sort of standard for you, or as more worthy of his attention than you, then there's not much you can do; it is mostly a matter of his issues and you should plan and behave accordingly. If you married a decent man, even if he glimpses an image or a woman you think is way hotter than you, the fact is, it is you he loves, it is you he wants, and it is you he's with. My wife's body is perfect any time we are touching, especially if she is naked. That the way most good husbands feel.

Addressing 'Myths' About the Unmarried

Bella DePaulo, who is a social psychologist, visiting professor at UC Berkeley and the author of Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, And Ignored and Still Live Happily Ever After, wrote this article I found through Yahoo. It promises "8 myths about being single". Let’s take a look. (And if you’re new to this blog, I’m married with kids, and I’d like to believe being a married father makes my life better.)

Have you heard that single people are miserable and lonely and die alone in their empty apartments where they are eaten by their cats?

Yes. I have also heard that some unmarried people who live alone love it. I was quite happy most of the time I lived alone.

Myth #1: Singles are less happy than married people

I've heard this one a lot. Either way, it is a percentage game and it is impossible to know for sure if person X would be happier if his or her life was completely different. All we can know is that Group A reports being happier than Group B. But that's an average, and there will be miserable people in Group A and very happy people in Group B. Let's say Group A are married people. Maybe kind of people who marry are also the kind of people who are more likely to report being happy? Maybe they are more likely to be happy? Either way, maybe happy people are more likely to attract a spouse. Even if they report being happier married than they reported when they were unmarried, it could be a function of aging/career advancement, or something else – they are older when they're married than they were when they were unmarried.

Anyway, let's see how she debunks this "myth".

First, most single people are not miserable — not even close. On the average, single people are always on the happy end of the scale; that’s true in every study I know of.

Citation, please?

Second, getting married hardly changes someone's happiness at all.

It does if you 1) wanted to be married, and 2) found that it is at least as good as you'd hoped. You'll be happier in that case. You'll be less happy if you find out that you married the wrong person or marriage isn't as good as you thought it would be.

Okay, so we're supposed to take her word for it that studies show this to be myth. Or buy the book.

Myth #2: Single people favor solitude

Some do.

Sometimes people say that single people are “alone,” that they “don’t have anyone.” But that’s just a myth. Research shows that single people often have many people in their lives who are important to them. Often, they have a whole network of friends and relatives, and they stay connected with them for decades.

Uhm, yes, and so do married people. The dfference is that married people also have one person especially to whom they have a legal, social, residential, and sexual connection.

After all, they have the time to forge many diverse relationships, which married sorts often don't.

Many married people do have less time or friend and relatives. But married people often gain more of these connections through the marriage, and hang out with them as a couple.

Myth #3: Elderly women live in isolation

See #2. I'm thinking some of these myths are strawmen.

Myth #4: Single people don't live as long as married folks.

This is another one like #1. A lot of the same stuff applies.

That magazine article ignored the longest-running study of longevity on record. That study started in 1921, with more than 1,000 11-year-olds. Scientists have kept track of these people for as long as they lived. The people who lived the longest were those who stayed single and those who married and stayed married.

People who divorced, or who divorced and remarried, had shorter lives. It was consistency, not marriage, that mattered, and the results were the same for men and women.

This is news to me - at least, the stuff about those who never married.

Myth #5: Single people are self-centered.

Some are. Some married people are, too.

National surveys show that single people are more likely to visit, support, contact, and advise their siblings and parents than married or even previously married people.

This doesn't mean they aren't self-centered. Some people reach out to others so as to have someone else to hear them talk about themselves. Unmarried people love to give advice about marriage and parenting. Married people may be more likely to bite their tongues, knowing from experience that they don't have all of the answers.

Myth #6: The children of single parents are destined to live haplessly.

Strawman. Not having a mother or not having a father raises the risk of certain negative indicators. And we know they are destined to live... without a mother or without a father.

Teens living with a father and stepmother, for example, had higher rates of substance abuse than teens raised by single mothers.

Stepparents are a whole 'nother can of worms.

Myth #7: Single people are not as healthy as people who get married.

This is another one like #1 and #4.

Typically, people who have always been single are very similar in their health to people who are currently married.

Are we comparing the same age groups? Because most people do marry, and the way that works out is that unmarried people are more likely to be in their early 20s – and thus healthier than people in their 40s.

There is, though, one exception where single people are actually healthier than attached types: married people are more overweight!

Again, they tend to be older, right? But yes, some people "let themselves go" once thet get someone to sign on the dotted line.

As for divorce, some research actually shows that people become healthier after they divorce than they were when they were married.

Sure – haven't you noticed that divorced women know they need to shape up? And as for guys, if he doesn't feel like he needs to drink himself silly every night to deal with a bad wife, then he's going to be healthier once she's not there, right? Same goes for women - if they are not longer depressed by living with a bad husband, they're likely going to eat better.

Myth #8: Single people waste money on frivolous things for themselves.

Some do. Especially those who expect someone else will come along and pay off their debts and provide financial security. Some married people also waste money.

So you think that singletons splurge and marrieds conserve? If so, then I have just one question for you: Do you know how much weddings cost?

Very good point. However, people tend to spend the most one their weddings before they are married. So, technically, they're unmarried when they are doing most of the spending. We can split hairs about "unmarried" vs. "single", though.

Coupled-up sorts are no more generous than single people when it comes to giving financial help to family members.

What does that have to do with anything? What about saving for retirement?

In fact, one study showed that men were much more financially generous to their friends when they were single than they were after they married. When married men divorced, they reverted to their more giving selves. If they remarried, then they went back to being less generous to their friends.

Well, yeah! It’s called having a wife to support and who can veto spending decisions. Plus, the spending could be an attractant – one that is not needed when married.

There you have it. I was really hoping for more information about #1,4, and 7. Then again, these articles can't be long enough and so can't get too detailed. Notice also that Bella didn't address sex.

Generally, I don't think someone should decide to marry or stay unmarried based on stats that say they'll be more likely to be healthier and happier one way or other other. Each person should think carefully about what kind of life they want and are suited to live, then behave accordingly. One should marry if he or she 1) wants to be married, having a good idea of what marriage means; 2) is prepared to be a spouse; and 3) has found the right person to marry.

Your thoughts?

He's the Poindexter

This guy is in a horrible position. SAD AND ANGRY IN EAST TEXAS wrote in to Dear Abby:

I had a suspicion that my wife's attentiveness to a neighbor was more than casual. He's a womanizer who boasts about his extramarital affairs to anyone who will listen.

I noticed some marks on my wife's body, and when I asked how she'd gotten them, her response was evasive.

Yeah, there are very few reasons a wife won’t readily tell her husband how she got marks on her body.

I found it so off-putting that I installed surveillance cameras in our house.

The cameras revealed in detail what has been going on. Our family and friends think my wife is prim and proper. It turns out she is anything but. In fact, I'm no longer sure I fathered our children.

You can easily get DNA tests, and this is why I think she should be conducted by default at birth. But at this point it won't matter even if they aren't biologically yours. The laws in most places still tag you as their financial and legal father. That means your wife can divorce you, take half of the marital assets, exact alimony from you, shack up with the guy, AND still get child support from you. Nice, huh? Actually, I understand Texas is more reasonable when it comes to alimony. Not sure about the other things.

And if your children think of you as their father, you shouldn't tell them otherwise. You're already invested in them. They are, morally, your children.

Would it be wrong to send copies of her video activities to everyone so they can see who she really is?

Sell it on the Internet. Just kidding. It might be illegal to distribute.

Does your wife know you have video proof? It is so sad that she's attracted to that guy. I guess you just haven't been enough of a jerk for her. You're the walking wallet. The nice, safe, respectable Poindexter who she picked to be her cover.

I know you are pissed off, but think about your (yes, your) kids. Talk with a good attorney and see if there is any financial benefit to filing for separation or divorce now as opposed to when the kids are grown.

I would see if your wife would be agreeable to you living in separate rooms so that you can be there for the kids. And see if you can get a restraining order so that the other guy can't come into your place or be near your kids. Or, if your wife wants to work it out and you can stand to try, move away from that guy. But the problem isn't really him, it is your wife.

Get tested for STDs.

Save the video and keep backup copies elsewhere – only pull it out to go nuclear. Maybe you should have a talk with the guy’s wife? She has to know he’s doing other women. Heck, maybe you two can keep each other company? Wouldn’t that be ironic. Actually, that would probably not work out well.

Go Older, Young Man

Another great guy overlooked. H.P. IN MIAMI BEACH wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 20-year-old male who finds it awkward talking to women my age. I do OK approaching older women for conversation, but become tongue-tied with someone under 25. I would like to meet someone special and develop a relationship with her, but at this rate it's not going to happen anytime soon.

You shouldn't be looking to meet a woman like that for at least another five years, or until you achieve your dream (or are on your way to doing so), establishing yourself professionally.

The women your age are dating older guys, or stuck in dying high school relationships, and probably don't care about the same things you care about, so the conversation is usually lacking. You said you are OK with older women. That's where the good, uh, conversation is. My advice would be to date some older women. Notice that is plural. Keep multiple plates spinning- don't allow it to become an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend situation with any of them (and no women with minor children). And you know what? If you do that, I suspect younger women will start to show an obvious interest in you.

Dear Abby told him to smile and goes on to plug something she wrote.

If you want to get to know someone, walk over and say, "Hi, I'm 'Hal' -- what's your name?"

That can work as parties where you know a lot of people. But if you’re somewhere, like a restaurant that has a bar, you can wait for them to come to you if you look like you are waiting for a friend.

What Are You Thinking?

Thirdage.com listed what it claims are the top 10 sex fantasies for men and women.

Another benefit is that you can enjoy fantasy sex with someone other than your partner without repercussions, because it occurs solely in your mind.

It does not eliminate all repercussions.

Ladies first, of course.

1. Fantasizing About Your Current Partner

As with men, this is the number one sex fantasy for most women: things you've done, or would like to do, to your partner. It seems that the available flesh-and-blood is often more of a turn-on than the unattainable.

This makes sense and is generally positive. The conflict comes in when one partner's boundaries are more restrictive than another.

2. Sex with a Man Other Than Your Partner

For women, this is most often a past lover. Some women feel adulterous or guilty reliving a particularly hot session from the past: don't. It's normal.

It may be normal and common, but it doesn’t mean it is okay. It's not the end of the world, though. This is where someone who saved sex for their partner has a moral advantage.

If it's someone new you're fantasizing about, it's the old want-what-you-can't-have-syndrome.

That's called coveting.

Being involved with a partner doesn't mean all other desirable men go away. So those adulterous feelings have to be dealt with in one way or another. The safest outlet of all is our imagination--and it's remarkably fertile.

It's a nice rationalization.

3. Sex with Another Woman

We're more likely to have same-sex fantasies than he is, probably because it's seen as more acceptable.

Female sexuality is more flexible in that regard.

4. Something You've Never Tried Before

These fantasies can include being tied up, threesomes, group sex, and watching others, among other things.

As I understand it, the Biblical thing is sex with your spouse only, and where/when you have reason to believe others will not see you. Notice I didn't write "in private". So this would eliminate watching others or being on display for others, group sex, or threesomes as a reality. Thinking about it... eh... probably not Biblical either.

Tying up? Yeah. That's something I know my wife will go for. She once stated that everything was okay "except for involving another person, an animal, or the back door." But I know other things are out, too:

1) She doesn't want to involve food of any sort (think chocolate syrup or whipped cream), as she doesn't want to associate food with sex. My thinking is that it is a plus if you're eating a banana split and you have a flashback to a lovemaking session, but apparently she doesn't. This is one reason why I say I simply like sex more than my wife.

2) Swallowing. Heck, as it is, I give her warning so she can pull away entirely. She has said she is willing to work on this, but makes a big deal about it, like we'll have to practice in the shower… but we rarely have the chance to take showers together these days. Not sure what the big deal is, since she did it at least three times leading up to the wedding. (And I don't believe it was right for us to get that carried away before we married, but we did.) I don't know what ingredient in wedding cake suddenly takes this ability away from a woman.

3) Anything that has touched her vagina during a session will not touch her lips.

I find that last one very restricting. I love going down, but doing so means no more kissing on the lips. And I save intercourse only for the very end.

While many women are outrageously experimental and imaginative in their fantasies, they often don't admit a desire for anything "kinky" to a partner for fear of being judged.

That's too bad.

5. Receiving Oral Sex

Like I said.

6. Fantasies Involving Romantic Sex

This is the one most women readily admit to, probably because it's the most acceptable.

Of course.

7. Sexual Ravaging

"Sexual ravaging" is a very common female fantasy. Passionate and forceful but rarely violent and painful, the "ravagings" in our head differ dramatically because we're always in control.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are fantasies where we force him to have sex with us, often in typically male-dominated situations like a courtroom or a business meeting.

Interesting.

8. Being Found Irresistible by a Man

Of course.

9. Working as a Prostitute or Stripper

This one's also popular with women who may be inhibited sexually in real life. In the fantasy, they indulge their true sexual selves under the guise of being paid for it. For men to pay to have sex with you is also reassurance that you're attractive: you have something men want so badly, that they'll hand over cash for it.

Men hand over cash for all sorts of things.

10. Sex with a Stranger

In reality, this sort of sex usually works out rather badly. In our fantasies, it's tremendously rewarding. This is sex for the sake of sex and the reward is pure, unadulterated pleasure. You can be as wicked as you like because you'll never see him again.

Yes, why would you want to be a generous lover with someone with whom you actually share a life?

According to the article, men share the same top fantasy. That’s what we have to say. Otherwise, we don’t get sex.

2. Having Sex with a Woman Other Than Your Partner

Often, she's a past lover, a friend of your partner, perhaps a celebrity. The psychology behind this one isn't too difficult: lots of people long to have sex with someone new and fantasy is a great way of indulging this longing without losing your partner in the process.

Actually, men tend to like variety when it comes to sex.

3. Giving or Receiving Oral Sex

Of course.

4. Sex with Two or More Women

See #2.

5. Voyeurism and Exhibitionism

Men are visual creatures.

6. Having Your Partner Masturbate for You

Watching your partner "play with herself" is up there on most men's wish lists, possibly because it reassures them that women are as into sex as they are. Also, the related fantasy of spying on her while she masturbates appeals to your curious side: what is she really up to when you're not around?

Yes, and what is the best way of pleasing her manually?

7. Anal Sex

Not really.

8. Bondage and S & M

Sure, it is common. Doesn’t really do it for me.

9. Sexual Ravaging

Yes.

10. Sex with Another Man

Not really.

What do you think? Do these lists line up with your fantasies? Is there something big they are missing? I'm rather tolerant when it comes to fantasies. What I mean is that if my wife were to tell me all of hers, nothing would bother me unless it involved kids or serious violence. Then again, women do tend to have different kinds of fantasies than men. It is often a mistake if a husband tells his wife all of his fantasies. They are more likely to turn her off, maybe even repulse her, than prompt some sort of try at them or role-playing. Most of mine are about things to do with my wife that are actually tame. Next would be about real women, especially women who aren't in my daily life anymore, that I never so much as dated. And there is also the past lovers/past experiences thing, but that is minimal. There's one famous woman I've thought about.

Increase in Shacking Up

A report says more couples are shacking up, and the spin is that it is because of the recession. Hope Yen reports for the Associated Press.

The number of unmarried couples living together is rising sharply as many young adults who are having a hard time finding jobs are now "doubling up" with significant others.

That is a really bad solution. If you are financially struggling, you need to concentrate on improving your finances, not becoming dependent on someone you’re not ready to marry. And if you are the one who is doing okay, you should be dating other people, too, not restricting yourself to someone who wants you to pay their bills.

The number of opposite-sex unmarried couples who shared living arrangements jumped 13 percent this year to 7.5 million, the Census Bureau reported Thursday. That's compared to a 2 percent decrease between 2008 and 2009.

Get a roommate, or move back in with your parents, or relocate to a different area.

Demographers say a sluggish job market is the likely factor.

How about a lack of propriety or sense of shame?

If you want to get married and stay married, shacking up bodes ill for that. If you mostly want sex and/or companionship, you’re still better off not shacking up as you can easily have those things without shacking up.

Boiling Springs Teachers in Hot Water

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Where Women Get Married Younger

Surprise, surprise. The law of supply and demand in alive and well and can be seen in personal relationships, if this story is to be believed. It is from LiveScience.com's Stephanie Pappas.

Where single women are rare, women marry earlier, researchers reported Aug.
4 in the journal Evolutionary Psychology.

However, the way this is written, it could also be a tautology. Perhaps there are fewer single women where women marry earlier… because they're married younger instead of spending more time being single? Or, simply reverse the phrasing of the sentence - where women marry earlier, single women are rare. The news folks clearly want to give the impression that because there are fewer single women, men are more likely to propose to and marry a woman, or do so sonner, and maybe our intuition agrees, but can we be sure?

The shift may be because the ladies have more men to choose from, while the
men have extra motivation to put a ring on it.

Perhaps. But we’re comparing different places. If we could somehow observe one city under steady conditions, with the only variable being how many new single women move into the city per year, we could get a better idea of what is going on for sure. Perhaps some cities are more likely to have people who get married younger?

"Women are basically getting snapped up, because the guys want to get her before somebody else does," study author Daniel Kruger, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Michigan, told LiveScience.

That's reasonable to think, considering male nature.

To find out, Kruger analyzed census data on marriage age and gender imbalances in the 50 largest metropolitan areas in America. Using the data, he calculated what's called an operational sex ratio, which is the number of sexually available men per 100 sexually available women, multiplied by 100. A ratio of 100 means a balanced population, while numbers larger than 100 indicate a surplus of men. A ratio of 110, for example, means 11 men are available for every 10 women. A ratio of 90 would mean nine men are available for every 10 women.

Got that?

After controlling for income and race, Kruger found that in areas where women were scarce, women married slightly earlier. Men's average age of marriage didn't change relative to the abundance of potential mates, but they did show more variability in the age when they married than women did.

In general, the worth of man as a potential marriage partner tends to increase as he gets older, because women are attracted to confidence/security/income/wealth or status/power/fame, and a man is likely to have more of those things as he gets older (to a certain age). In general, women shouldn't wait too long to cash in their chips because their youth (including ability to have a successful pregnancy producing a healthy baby without expensive fertility aids) and beauty are what initially attract men. My female single friend who is nearing 40? She used to talk about marrying a doctor. That ain't going to happen now unless he's in his later 50s or older. Doctors her age can attract women in their 20s. Harsh? Perhaps. But true. She could make a great wife, but how is a guy going to know that if he won't even bother to get to know her as he is busy dating younger women?

The article goes on to say that Las Vegas has 116 men for every 100 women, and the median marriage age for women is 24.5 (are we counting drive through weddings by tourists, or only residents?). San Dieago has 115 men for every 100 women, and the median age is 25.9. Salt Lake city has 113 men for every 100 women, and the median age is 23.2 (shortly after the mission, no?). Austin has 112 men for every 100 men, and the age is 26.2. Phoenix has 111 men for every 100 women, and the age is 25.

On the flip side, Birmingham, Alabama has 88 men for every 100 women, and the age is 26.7. Memphis has 88 men for every 100 women, and the age is 27.2 years. New Orleans has 89 men for every 100 women, and the age is 27.8. Richmond has 89 men for every 100 women and the age is 26.3. There’s a hree-way tie for New York City, Philadelphia and Washington, D.C., with 92 men for every 100 women, and the ages were 28.3, 27.9 and 27.8, respectively.

Did they consider Alaska? Women used to be very scarce there. I wonder if that is still true.

I think there are some other important considerations that have to be taken into account. How many men are on a marriage strike? How many women don't want to marry? I think they have to be excluded from these kinds of studies. You have to compare the number of men who want to get married or are married to the number of women who want to get married or are married, excluding people who are exclusively homosexual. The stats should be further broken down into 1) people who have no moral qualms/community pressures against casual sex, 2) people who have no moral qualms/community pressures against nonmarital presumed monogamy (but have or perceive disapproval of casual sex), and 3) people who personally believe or are part of communities that stress that sex is for marriage only.

What are the shack up rates?

I suspect that it isn't just a matter of how many single women there are – it is how many single women there are who are willing to put out for a guy they barely know. How many women, unmarried, are willing to cook, clean, do laundry, shack up, etc.? If a guy without strong convictions about saving sex for marriage or getting married at all can get women to do these things regularly without marriage, he's going to be much less motivated to get married. If his girlfriend pressures him, there are a bunch of other women who are willing to have sex with him to whom he can move on.

We don't live in the days of living and dying on the same rural family farm. People can relocate with less effort than ever. Guys should never get married because of a dwindling number of available women in their locality or social circle. A guy should get married because and when 1) he wants to get married; 2) he is prepared to be a husband (including the fact that he has established himself and reached the track to his dream); and 3) he has found the right woman to be his wife. #2 will mean that he can attract better and more beautiful women.

The most attractive women tend to gravitate to cities, where men who earn more can be found – especially Los Angeles, Dallas, and Miami, which also have climates where women can show off their figures quite blatantly throughout most of the year.

Little By Little

Again, within the last day, my bride told me that she loves her life, and I again responded that I was glad. If she were to have asked me, I could have come up with a bunch of things I'd like to be better. But the good news (besides the fact that she is happy, which I consider a very good thing) is that things have been better over the last week.

After going without out lovemaking (or mercy sex) session the prior weekend, I initiated a couple of times during the week, and then a couple of times over the weekend. I even got to see what she looks like naked one of those times - a rare treat these days. She told me she'll never turn me down if I initiate. The problem is, to initiate, I have to more or less keep myself awake a couple of more hours until she makes it to bed, which is rough because I already get less sleep than I should. But if I simply go to sleep, I'll wake up later when her in bed, too, in a deep sleep, and I am very reluctant to wake her up because she needs her sleep, too. (Plus, orgasms tend to keep her awake.)

We got to church, which we haven't done much lately.

Finally, we all got out of the house a lot, in large part thanks to my mother and sister, who drove the distance to see the kids. They could keep the kids occupied while I pushed my wife around in the wheelchair she only seems to need at one specific venue (she walks everywhere else).

So, things are a little better.

Public Infidelity - Do You Notify the Spouse?

There was a time when I would have said, "Yes, of course!" RELATED TO THE KISSIN' COUSIN IN NEW MEXICO wrote to Dear Abby:

My cousin "Cecily" has been married for 30 years to a man the entire family thinks is wonderful. So did I, until I spotted him in a restaurant a few weeks ago kissing a woman half his age -- and who was certainly not Cecily.

I feel awful with this knowledge, but feel worse about ruining their marriage.

You're making some assumptions.

One is that their marriage isn't ruined already. If she has demanded monogamy from him (which I believe is right for marriage) as part of the ongoing marital vows, then he is ruining the marriage. However, there is a possibility that she's not providing him with monogamy (she's cheating or refusing him sexually, or breaking other vows), which means she is also ruining the marriage. Or, maybe she doesn't mind him dating other women... or they enjoy these other women together.

You are also assuming that she doesn't know. I mean, this was in public. She may be fine with it (especially as long as other people don't make an issue of it), she may be choosing to ignore it, or she may not know and would be upset to find out.

Whatever the case, expect some backlash to fall on the messenger. Cecily may think she has a wonderful husband, and having someone else imply he's not could upset her.

Dear Abby responded:

How would you feel if Cecily spotted your husband of 30 years canoodling with a young woman in a restaurant?

The writer is not Cecily. Not everyone's marriages are the same. But perhaps this is a good way to break the news. Ask Cecily what she would do if she saw your husband kissing a young woman in a restaurant. Cecily's answer may be revealing.

I would definitely want to know if my wife was seen somewhere kissing another man. But that's me. Maybe Cecily and her husband have no expectation of monogamy from each other, in which case you also have to wonder what other norms they don't keep.

Have you ever been in a situation like this?

Alcohol-Based Lubrication Gets Movement

Here's another reason to NOT have a roommate. CAN'T BELIEVE I BROKE MY RULE IN FLORIDA (a woman) wrote in to Dear Abby:

I rent a house with two roommates (both males) and have always followed a strict rule of not dating roommates or co-workers.

Good idea. Well, the rules, anyway. It would be easier if you weren’t living with guys.

One night, I came home after having a few drinks with friends. One of my roommates was up and we started talking. Then he started kissing me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and didn't object when he trotted me off to my room.

I do like him, but only as a friend. There are no sparks for me as there are for him.

This is exactly why men guy women drinks.

I don't want this to happen again, but I don't want to hurt him either.

Well, being rejected isn't fun, but if he is a typical guy he probably looked at it more as recreation than some sort of pledge of undying love; he won't be devastated. He'll just cross you off of the list until the next time you come home tipsy.

In an ideal world, I'd like to remain friends and roommates, not lovers. Do you have any suggestions?

Yes. Simply don't have sex with your roommates. If your drinking causes you to lose control, then stop drinking.

Are you really being honest with yourself, though? You were probably curious or horny or something, and using the alcohol as an excuse. Women who have casual sex do this all of the time.

Dear Abby responded:

Inform your amorous roommate that in the cold sober light of day you regret what happened and don't want to repeat it.

Why? It is her actions that matter, not her words (unless she says "no" or some variation thereof).

It won't "hurt" him; it will let him know where things stand, and it's important that he get that message.

Only if he starts acting like they are a couple, which I doubt he will. If you tell him it won't happen again, he may consider that a challenge.

Have you had an experience like this?

Does Fornication Lead to Dancing?

It was in the news that "flamboyant male dancing attracts women best". Associated Press medical writer Maria Cheng reported on a study published in the journal Biology Letters, a publication of Britain's Royal Society. It was paid for by Northumbria University.

Kris McCarty and colleagues at Northumbria University and the University of Gottingen in Germany asked 19 men aged 18 to 35 who were not professional dancers to dance in a laboratory for one minute to a basic drum rhythm. They filmed the men's movements with a dozen cameras, and then turned those movements into computer-generated avatars so the study could focus on moves, not appearances.

Scientists then showed the dancing avatars to 37 women, who rated their skills on a scale of 1 to 7. According to the women, the best dancers were those who had a wide range of dance moves and focused on the head, neck and torso.

That's a small sample. And maybe I missed something, thinking someone is the best dancer is a far cry from picking that guy to marry or to have sex with. Is it really honest to say that the dancing "attracted" the women? They were asked to watch dancers and give feedback. For all they know, they were picking their next gay male friend.

Nick Neave, an evolutionary psychologist at Northumbria University and one of the study's co-authors, said women may subconsciously judge how fit a man is by the fluidity of his dancing. He said their research was likely subjective and different cultures would have different measures for what constitutes good dancing.

Neave advised bad dancers to improve their core body moves.

"The movements around the head, neck and trunk were the most important," he said. "The good dancers had lots of different movements and used them with flair and creativity."

It's brutal honestly time. (When isn't it, around here?) Young heterosexual anglo men don't like dancing, at least not for the sake of dancing. Sure, there are the occasional hobbyists who are into swing dancing or whatever. But generally, guys go dancing so they can grind up against women, or because they're there with their girlfriend/wife so other guys won't be grinding up against her. The closer we are to you, the more we can feel your breasts or backside pressing against us. Like many things, guys will go along with dancing because it is what she wants to do, and they want to have sex with her. Women will sometimes get together with their girlfriends and say, "Let’s go dancing!" You’ll never hear a group of straight anglo guy friends saying that.

Am I wrong, guys?

Study: Some Say OK 2 B Online During Sex

Computer security firm PC Tools late Wednesday released a study showing that nearly a quarter of US residents think it is fine to be "plugged in" to the Internet during sex.

Well, yeah – for many of the them, it is the online way they have any sex:

a/s/l?

r u alone?

wut r u wearing?

send pic?

Like that.

Some 79 percent of people in the United States keep files on personal computers that they don't want family members, co-workers, employers, or friends to see, according to the survey.

Like receipts.

Nearly half of those surveyed said they would be embarrassed if friends or relatives saw certain files on their computers or smartphones.

Their balance sheets?

Seriously, though, there are times when we need to be unplugged, such as most of the instances when are making love to our spouse, when our kid needs to talk with us, and during our family dinner.

We Can't Fix Everything and it Hurts

Contrary to what some of modern culture would have us believe, men don’t have to be gay, effeminate, doormats, or metrosexuals to have feelings. Just about everyone has feelings. A recent letter to Dr. Laura gives an important insight into how your husband, fiancé, or boyfriend is feeling about certain things.

Guys, whether women like it or not, are fixers and view their role in the world as protectors and fixers.

Yes. This is biology.

Fact: Our oldest daughter and you don't like each other and the more I attempt
to help the more trouble I cause.

Feeling: It is my fault because I should be able to fix anything - that is my
job.

Go read the whole thing. The poor guy is in so much pain.

Where’s the Beef?

I am fascinated by the splitting of hairs when it comes to the legalities of certain behaviors. For example, paying someone cash for sex is illegal in many places where it is entirely legal to pay two people (or many more) to have sex on camera (or one person to masturbate on camera) and then sell the results. And when you consider that money is simply a representative of a good or service, it is even more strange that paying someone for sex would be illegal when essentially buying drinks in exchange for sex is legal.

A 15-year-old girl can’t consent to sex or most medical procedures, but she can consent to having her child (created in a very behavior to which she can’t consent) chopped into pieces and pulled from her womb. Selling alcohol and tobacco to be consumed is legal, but selling pot is illegal in most places (and no, I’ve never inhaled or handled pot, nor do I want to). “Practicing medicine” without a license, such as by setting someone’s broken arm, can be illegal. Selling a baby is illegal, but selling surrogacy services is not. It was unacceptable for Reggie Bush, as a college student playing college football, to receive certain gifts, but everyone from the university to the television network can make millions of dollars selling ad time/space because of his athletic abilities.

When I saw the picture that accompanied this story, I thought about how there are people who would be prosecuted and shamed for done the same activity – getting sperm from a bull or other animal. Eduardo Garcia reports in this Reuters article that Argentina is selling the sperm for beef production purposes.

At Las Lilas ranch on Argentina's rolling Pampas plains, 65 breeding bulls -- called studs -- graze in individual pens divided by electric fences to stop them from fighting.

During regular "harvests," workers whisk away the semen of bulls like Montecristo in plastic containers before the animals get the chance to mount the cows paraded before them.

"It's not dangerous. The bulls are used to it," Garcia said as the workers dodge and duck between the hulking animals, wearing overalls and gloves.

Now, if someone had some sort of problem and did the same thing for sexual jollies, they could be arrested. It is just one of those things that strikes me as odd. I can agree that one behavior is good and should be legal, and the other is bad and should be illegal. But I can also see the actual behaviors aren’t all that different, even if the motivations are very different.

I do have to wonder if men who are married to women in this line of work feel a little insecure or intimidated.

Here’s a Clueless Woman

This woman is being played like a fiddle. "Down in the Dumps" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I’m a 45-year-old professional woman who’s been with a really great guy for nine months. He broke up with his girlfriend of five years to be with me.

That’s interesting. How did that happen, unless he started seeing you behind her back?

He’s kind and thoughtful (takes my shoes off after a hard day, brings me coffee in bed in the morning, spoils my dog), sweet, loving and very sexual.

How does he do all of that, given you aren’t married and not living together... right?

He has his place, and I have mine.

As it should be when you are dating. I guess he must have a key to your place?

We make plans to see each other two or three times a week, but he cancels or just doesn’t show up at least half the time.

Very interesting.

He makes no excuses, doesn’t apologize and gives no details.

He's got game.

I honestly don’t think he’s cheating.

Well of course he's not cheating. He's not committed to anyone, so how could be he cheating even if he's having sex with a bunch of women?

We have spoken about this issue many times, yet I find myself sitting at home in my bathing suit: We’d made plans to go to the beach, but he went to an amusement park with his buddies.

It works for him. He gets to keep having sex with you, and still do everything else he wants.

I've never met his buddies, except for two, or been invited to any of his functions.

Sounds like Leykis 101 student, although she does fall out of the target age range for his students who are out of their early 20s.

He says a lot of his friends are in his ex-girlfriend’s circle and he wants to give it time before he brings someone in.

Oh, that's a good one.

I’m at the point where he makes plans with me and I expect them to be broken.

He's got you well trained. Do you ever actually go out with him? Or are you just a booty call?

I hate feeling this way.

And yet you enable it.

One last thing: He was in a very bad accident 10 years ago. He had a traumatic brain injury and says it affects his relationships and thought processes.

Oh man, that's another good one. Let's assume it is true. So what? Do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? If it is a lie, it certainly is a useful one. He gets an excuse for everything and gets sympathy.

What’s the big picture that I’m not seeing?

You're one of his sex toys.

Dear Margo pretty much agreed. She points out that he could be married.

As long as women put up with this, there will be guys who do it. It really doesn't matter to the guys whether or not these women have graduate degrees or not, what kind of money they make, or anything like that. All they care about is that the woman will continue to have sex with them without being too much trouble (including asking "too much" of them).

Checking the Teen's Phone

Does your child's privacy extend to their phone usage, even if you are paying for the phone? GETTING GRIEF IN GRANTS PASS, ORE. wrote into Dear Abby:

Like most 16-year-old girls, I have a cell phone. My father pays for it and I'm grateful that he does, even though I live with my mom and he's a two-hour drive away. He has been paying for it for a year and a half.

Every month when I visit him he demands to see my phone. Then he looks through my messages and photos. There's nothing "bad" on my phone, but I feel my personal space is being invaded.

It's not your personal space. He's paying for it, and anything sent by or to someone else is potentially public. It's a broken home and he's not able to be there as much as he should, so this is one way he can check up on what's going on.

What can I do to get my dad to respect my privacy?

Turn 18 and pay for your own phone.

I feel he wants to control my life.

The phone you use is not your life.

I want my own space.

I can understand the sentiment. I was fiercely protective of my privacy and "ownership" of my room probably before I was a teen. There were many reasons for this. I had younger siblings who would meddle with my stuff, "borrow" things from me, etc. I'm a tad (or more) obsessive about things, including a collecting hobby I had, and notes I've written for as long as I can remember. I didn't want any of my pieces or notes accidentally thrown out, or misplaced, etc. But beyond that, I wanted my privacy while I changed (which happened a lot, since I was a swimmer) and I definitely wanted my privacy while I masturbated, especially when I was using print material to aid in that.

But the reality was, my parents owned the home, and the space was only mine on a temporary basis. They could have scoured everything in my room, and they would have been right to do so if I gave them any reason to.

When someone says, "I want my space" in this kind of context, it means they want their space to have sex. The letter writer wants to have sex without her dad finding out about it. Someone who tells a love interest "I want my space" is silently adding ..."to have sex other people" to that statement.

Dear Abby responded:

I'm sure your father means well, but his attempt at "supervision" when you visit him seems heavy-handed.

He's her father. Maybe he has good reason to be "heavy-handed".

The first thing you should do is discuss your feelings with your mother.

Oh yeah, let's pit the parents against each other even more.

Sorry. His phone, his rules.

Back in the stone ages when I was a teen living at home, mobile phones were an expensive rarity and our computers were in a common room. Today, a lot of teens have cameras, smart phones, and other networked computing devices and DVD players. Parents need to be aware of what their teen is viewing and doing with these.

May We Never Forget

Freedom isn't free. There are people in this world who are hellbent on subjugating or killing all who do not march in lockstep with them. Their actions are evil, and have to be fought with heroic determination.

Shady Siblings?

An anonymous American female in her 50s wrote at Dear Cupid:

I have a suspicion that my boyfriend is having an incestuous relationship with his sister.

Okay, well, stop seeing him. There's really not anything else to do. If he is, then you don't want to be with him. If he's not, then you're too suspicious for him. Or perhaps he’s too close (in a platonic way) with his sister. Be glad he's your boyfriend, not your husband.

Before I met her, she was always very jealous of me which I found very odd.

That can happen with any siblings.

We finally met and she actually lives with us temporarily.

"Us"? So you're shacking up with him? (It gets better... I've read ahead some.) Is this your place, his place, or are both of your names on the place? If it is your place, kick him out. If you are renting, move.

We went to dinner with my son and she sat between my boyfriend and me and they talked low to each other the whole night.

They were being rude. Manners are more important than morals?

Then when we got to my son's house from the restaurant my bf went to the bathroom. She ran in the house to the bathroom door banging on it for him to let her in. When he didn't she stood outside the door till I walked by then she left.

It is quite likely that she wanted to use the bathroom before he did, or she likes bothering him.

Later I heard them talking about sex.

Adults sometimes do this.

The next morning she went up to him and said in a low voice "I thought you were going to show me something" and he said he couldn't cause my son had to get up early and get in the bathroom.

If they're talking about having sex with each other, then they aren't doing a very good job of hiding it from you, could they? Don't you think they would?

Since she's been in my apt I've come home several times to the bed in my room messed up in the same way it would be had my bf had oral sex with me.

Is your boyfriend a complete idiot? He must be, if he is doing someone (sister or not) in your bed and not cleaning up. (Of course, later, she says they grew up highly religious and sheltered, so it is possible that the sister could have a "secret" relationship and could be using the writer’s bed either because it is bigger or just to be rude.)

Also I know she's been using my shower but she doesn't know I know.

So what?

They are 25 and 28.

Ah-HAAAA! Now, you can read past entries here and know that I have enjoyed being a younger man to an older woman. But really... she has these two 20-somethings, who are probably close in age to her son, living with her, and she's taking the relationship seriously with the guy?

I've been using a tape recorder but so far have nothing.

That could be illegal. She added later:

Ok for those who think I'm being too suspicious, I overheard her tell him she's still so tight down there because she's a virgin as if he knew first hand.

Well then we know they at least aren't having intercourse. This kind of talk may be strange, but it still isn't a smoking gun.

Is that something a sister would say to a brother?

Some. My wife's virgin ears used to be assaulted with her siblings talking about their sexual activities. Only not with each other. I think. See below.

And also I know from checking her things in her bathroom that she has been grooming herself and it looks like for the first time from the looks of things. Why would she do that?

Swimsuit?

He also made a joke one day that he liked young, hairy girls supposedly talking about the cat but I don't think he was talking about the cat.

Are you on meds? Should you be? He might also like Greek food, and didn't the Greeks have a story...Oeidipus Rex...about incest?

Also, every time I've suspected something happened, he's always wanted sex with me that night which tells me something during the day really turned him on.

Hmmm. Often, a guy who has had an orgasm earlier in the day will be less inclined to want sex later that same day. But then again, he is in his 20s. The writer also thinks it is a matter of the brother giving the sister oral sex and, apparently, not getting a release until later, with her.

She was abused by her dad growing up and her family life was horrible.

So there could be some messed up behavior as a result.

Well, there's no smoking gun, just a cumulative circumstantial case, but it doesn’t matter. The current situation isn't right for you, whatever it really is.

I could made a good case that two of my wife's siblings are doing it. I'll call them Robert and Alice.

A least one classmate gave Robert sexual favors as a going away present when the family moved to another region of the country. He was only 13, so he got started early. He ended up staying in that other region of the country when the family moved again so that he could complete high school and go to college in that area. This means that Robert didn't see the rest of the family much, including Alice (who is younger), during some crucial years. Siblings who mature apart from each other sometimes experience sexual attraction.

Robert and Alice have both messed around with the same girl.

Though he has sex with them, Robert keeps his women at a distance, and that seems to be fine with them for a while - they'll take what they can get before they or he moves on. Alice bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend rather quickly, and I’m fairly certain she is having sex with very few of them. Marriage doesn't appear to be in the near future for either of them.

After Robert moved back home, Robert, Alice, and my wife's other sibling moved out of the parental home together to share an apartment, then moved back in, and then Robert and Alice moved out together again. They have since moved together again to yet another rental. They have a history of "partying" together. I've noticed they will do horseplay with each other and share the hot tub. When the family is gathered for the day or the evening often with some friends, they will often go off together even though they can hang out together back at their place. It isn't because they are shy, either – they are very outgoing.

The other sibling refers to Alice as Robert's wife (to Alice's protests), and Alice does act very protective of Robert, even though he is older and can handle himself. For example, she'll badmouth his girlfriends if she thinks they have wronged Robert. On social networking sites, Robert has sometimes sent out updates referring to "we", inclusive of Alice.

So... in either case, what say you? Are the siblings in either case too close? Are they that close?

Is The Grass Really Greener?

I've read and heard many times that on average, married people are happier. As a married man, I hope it is true. I want to believe it. But like many things I've written about before, what is the correlation? Is it that being married makes someone happier, or is it that the kind of people who are more likely to be happy are also the kind of people who are more likely to marry?

We should not forget that there are unhappy married people, and people who are married and shouldn't be can be miserable, and can do a lot to make other people, especially their spouse, miserable. Also, there are happy people who aren't married.

"L." wrote a letter to Dr. Laura to say that she's unmarried (long divorced), unhappy about that fact, and isn't happy with women who complain about their husbands.

What drives me insane are the women who won't quit complaining about their
husbands/boyfriends. I would give anything to trade places. I've lost count of
the number of times that one of these twits has told me how "lucky" I am to be
on my own. How great it is I can do whatever I like. How wonderful I don't have
to answer to anyone.

Perhaps they are trying to get you to look at the bright side? There is a lot to be said for being able to do what you want, when you want, how you want.

This is not lucky or wonderful. This is hell. Sure I can do whatever I want - but I am missing out on intimacy, companionship and accountability.

While I do believe that such things are best contained or most strongly expressed in marriage, it is possible to have intimacy without marriage, even easier to have companionship without marriage, and have some accountability. Also, bad marriages can be hell.

It's a disappointment there is no one who cares what I will be doing today

If you don't have friends who care, then that could explain why you don't have a husband.

and tonight I will, once again, sleep alone.

That is by choice - a choice I support, by the way, but a choice still.

I don't understand what part of this is even remotely appealing.

Some people greatly value alone time and autonomy. You aren't one of them.

I feel sorry for their men as they complain non-stop about everything from the last dumb thing he said to next stupid thing he's planning to do - and the only thought that runs thru my pea brain is "There is a man who thought enough of you to stand at an altar in front of God and family and put a ring on your finger and this is the way you treat him?"

Yeah, it is can be infuriating. If life was fair, you’d have a husband and they wouldn’t. Same goes for those jerks who don’t appreciate their wives, while some man out there would make a great husband but is unmarried and not happy about it.

I have a friend who is aging into a spinster. She's great with her sister's kids and I think she could make a good wife and mother. She says she wants to be. Yet she spent her optimal husband-finding years devoted to a guy who wasn't devoted to her. She should have been dating other men. Also, I have no idea how she is handling her dates. My wife points to one of her own friends, who I agree is physically attractive, has a great personality, and could possibly be a good wife. My wife can't understand why her friend is single, to which I ask my wife, "Have you ever dated her?" My point is – we don't really know how these people are in private, in a romantic or courting situation. They may be great. But they may not be.

Although there are times I imagine how my life would be more enjoyable if I'd remained unmarried and childless, I can also imagine that it is possible I'd be miserable or into all kinds of trouble and making other people miserable. I am someone who does better with that intimacy and, frankly, the sex (this even manifested with a couple of my relationships before marriage). That is one reason the current infrequency of our marital lovemaking is painful for me. I am holding to the obligations of marriage in being a husband, and I want to enjoy the perks more. In general, though, I think people are best off making the best of the life they have, even while working towards a different life. Don't neglect to smell the roses while heading for what looks like (and may indeed be) greener grass.

Low Cost Dating

Kathy M. Kristof writes about personal finance in the Los Angeles Times. She had an article recently on low cost dates.

But a new study by [ING Direct USA] indicates that cheap dates might be dicey for guys. The reason: When asked what words they associate with a frugal blind date, women said a guy would be stingy and boring, while men thought a frugal girl would be smart and sexy.

Another example of how men and women are not interchangeable.

The tough news for guys is that this smart and sexy girl is probably going to expect her male counterpart to pick up the check, said Evan Marc Katz, a Los Angeles dating coach and author of "Why You're Still Single." That used to be because women earned considerably less than men, if they worked at all; now it's because women find a generous man nurturing.

"It's not about money per se," Katz said. "The appearance of generosity in a date is very important to women."

Right. There's always going to be some reason, isn't there? So much for equality.

Crudely speaking, in many cases, the real reason is that men want sex more than women do. Yes, there are some women, especially during certain times in their lives, that want sex more than some men. But in general, men as a group want sex more than women as a group. Exhibit A: Most the overwhelming majority of prostitution customers are male. Modern day dating (and in some cases, marriage) is often little more than prostitution. You'll find women who vehemently deny this, of course- usually the same women that will have sex with a guy they barely know if he spends money on them. (I had an instructor in college who shared a good laugh with me during his office hours when we noted which young women in class objected most strenuously to this notion.)

In the more idealistic sense, the claim by marriage-and-family-minded people who believe in traditional gender roles is that men pay for dates because they are demonstrating that they can provide for a wife. Really? Putting more debt on your credit card trying to impress a woman you barely know would indicate the opposite to me. If a woman wants to know a man can provide for a wife there are many other ways of doing that. For example, I recommend exchanging credit reports, income, and asset information before setting a wedding date.

The article goes on to give some suggestions for less expensive dates.

"If a man goes out on two dates a week, and 50% of the women don't want to see him again, he's spending a lot of money on strangers," Katz said. "There's no correlation between a good date and an expensive date. If she thinks there is, she's probably not the right person."

Right. Now, if you're with the person you’re going to marry, will there be expensive outings you'll both enjoy? Sure, because there are things both of you want to do, especially together. But a man who is dating casually with the eventual hope of getting married should save as much of his money as possible for the future. If he doesn't want to get married, then he’s going to be saving it for himself alone. A guy who is just dating for sex is better off letting the quasi-hookers move on, and instead dealing with the many women who decide whether or not they're going to have sex with a guy within five minutes of meeting him; they will do it regardless of how little he spends. In fact, they'll probabably get turned off if he spends a lot of money and tries to demonstrate that he actually cares about her.

I'm so glad I don’t have to deal with this any more. Any money I spend on a date is an investment in my marriage. I earn income, and half of it is legally my wife's. But the reality is, like most wives, she makes most of the spending decisions. She does a darn good job of stretching our dollars, too.

A Post-Nuptial Dealbreaker

It is when someone changes their minds (or reveals their true feelings) on having kids. "Jennifer" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I’ve been married for almost seven years. When we married, I was 25, and the deal was that we’d wait until I was 30 to have kids. I honestly thought I’d get used to the idea of settling down and having a kid (or two). I’m now almost 33 and know that I don’t want kids.

I just don’t think I was meant to have any, and I like my life the way it is now.

There is nothing wrong with this. I say this as someone who is happy to be a father. If you're sure, then at least get an IUD or even a tubal ligation.

I’m having a hard time thinking straight these days, because on some days, I feel like I need to confess and then give him the option of getting out of the marriage.

You need to do this immediately. He may surprise you – he might not want kids, either. He may want them at this point only because he thinks you want them. Arrange for a nice, quiet evening, sit down with him, hold his hand, and tell him how much you love him, appreciate him, and how happy you are with him. Go on to say that you're happy with the way life is now, giving examples, and that you do not want to have kids. Point out that it would be unfair to bring kids into the situation, and apologize for this change to the agreement.

Then, give him the option of getting out. Promise that you won’t screw him over in a divorce, and stick to that promise. Don't get a lawyer if you can avoid it - try going to see a mediator together - someone who doesn't financially benefit from drawing out a divorce and making it contentious. Cut off contact with anyone who tries to get you to use the divorce laws to your advantage at his expense – at least until everything is over.

On other days, I feel like I should just go ahead and have a kid and hope and pray that everything turns out OK.

No. Do not gamble with the life of a kid. Kids need willing parents.

He says he thinks about having kids every single day.

Maybe he’s trying to give you an opening to say you’ve changed your mind. Thinking about having kids and wanting to have them are not necessarily the same thing.

I wrote it before – outside of spiritual matters, whether or not you're going to have children is the biggest decision a person can make. Sometimes, someone changes their mind or feelings about it, so even if they get married in good faith with the agreement to have children or remain childless, they may change. And since there is a husband and a wife – two imperfect people who change and grow throughout life – they may end up with different answers to that most important question.

But notice - unless he replaces her contraceptive pills with placebos, he can't go ahead and make her have a child anyway. But the same would not be true if she wanted to have children and he didn't. She could easily make him a father. And that does happen. Any man who doesn't want to have children and has reason to believe she does should no longer ejaculate in her or around her.

Your Baby Daddy's Momma

Dear Margo thinks things stop being sins as time passes. "Not Getting Through" wrote into Dear Margo:

I am currently engaged to a man I love everything about (well, most everything). However, his mother, who I refer to as "monster-in-law," tries to control everything.

She can only do that if he lets her. This is going to be reality for the rest of his life, unless he changes it.

My fiance and I have a baby together, and his mother stepped in, even before the baby was born, to tell me what I had to do.

Maybe she assumed if you were foolish enough to get knocked up out of wedlock and keep the baby instead of adopting out or getting married immediately, you needed the help. Are you really engaged, or does it just sound better to say you are because you have a kid with him?

For instance, she told me I was not to potty-train my child until she was 3 because she would not be ready until then.

So what? You're going to get all sorts of advice from lots of people.

She even resorted to calling our daughter a "mistake," saying she was born out of sin because we were not married.

Unless you planned to get pregnant out of wedlock, then yes, the pregnancy was a mistake, or rather the actions that caused it were a mistake.

We were both hurt by this.

The truth hurts. You know what hurts more? Children not having married parents.

You chose to raise a baby with and shack up with this guy, and you get his relationship with his mother as part of the package. Deal with it.

Margo responded:

For one thing, the potty-training age she has set is late, by some people’s lights, and the sin thing is way off the mark.

Now this is hilarious for Margo to write, since sin is "missing the mark". Yes, sex with someone who isn't your spouse is a sin according to the Bible. You're free not to believe it, but not to deny the Bible says what it does, because we can all check for ourselves.

A granny who thinks the kid is a bastard is so 18th century.

Circumstances change, but truth doesn't change. The child is not lesser. The parents are being lesser.

Keeping Secrets From a Spouse?

When is that a good idea? CONFIDENTIALLY IN ST. LOUIS wrote to Dear Abby:

My son "Clay" has been married seven years. There are times I like to discuss things of a personal nature with him having to do with our family, and I have asked him not to mention our talks with his wife.

Clay now has a new family. In the Biblical tradition, this is called "leaving and cleaving". Clay's wife is every bit as much family to him as his mother is, even more so. I've discussed things with my family and haven’t always given my wife all of the details – such as if they question something about her or her family of origin. Though, I suppose a better approach on my part would be to tell them "You should ask her." However, if someone in my family prefaces something with asking me not to tell my wife, I say, "I don’t keep secrets from my wife." Now, if you read this blog, you know I've had thoughts I haven't shared with her – yet. But I do tell others, including her family, not to tell me things they don’t want me to share with her. If it is a surprise party or gift for her, then that is an exception, of course.

These discussions have nothing to do with her.

Not true. If they have to do with Clay, they have to do with her. She relies on Clay. She trusts Clay. They are supposed to have intimacy.

The problem is whatever he tells her, she repeats to her whole family.

She shouldn't necessarily do that.

I do not want our personal problems and other matters to be known by everyone.

Then don't tell them to Clay. But anything that Clay is involved with, his wife should know about (uh, unless he's blogging anonymously and keeping her anonymous, too).

A very dangerous thing is kind of the reverse - when a husband or wife complains to parents or siblings about a spouse on an ongoing basis.

Are there things a person shouldn't tell a spouse? Yes. One example: if a buddy came up to me and told me he cheated on his wife ten years ago and that there was no child or STI as a result and he hasn't seen that other person in years, I would tell him NOT to tell his wife (or anyone else) now. It would only hurt her. But when someone outside of the marriage tells one spouse something that can have an impact on the other spouse, the information should usually be shared.

What say you?

It Is Different

The Generous Husband reinforces the importance of marital lovemaking.

A common argument from those who are not providing their spouse with the sex they want, need, and deserve, is that “sex is different”. This is supposed to nullify any reason, logic, or analogy used to show why sex is important, or why withholding sex is wrong.

I happen to agree that sex is different, but in my mind it is different because it is relationally more important to our marriages, emotionally deeper, very intimate, should be treated as special, and made a high priority. In other words, I see it as different in a way that makes sexual refusal far worse than most of the other things we can do in the way of refusing, denying, or wronging our spouse. I’m not saying it’s the worst thing a spouse can do, it’s not. However, it’s the worst one many folks do for long periods of time, and the worst one that is commonly excused or ignored by those who are (rightly) quick to jump on other marital problems.

He goes on to cite Biblical passages.

Meanwhile, over at Married Man Sex Life, there is some good, simple advice on how to keep a husband chasing your skirt and not another woman's.