Red Flags

I generally advise against marrying, shacking up, or getting into exclusive relationships. But if you're going to do any of those things, especially if you're going to have children with a woman, there are some red flags to look out for if you insist on doing these things with a woman.

Basic Incompatibility. If your major goals, worldviews, lifestyles, strengths/weaknesses, or personalities are incompatible, then you're not a match, no matter how attractive you find her or other ways she impresses you. If one of you wants to have a lot of children and the other doesn't want to have any children, that's a red flag. If one of you is an atheist who is highly suspicious or dismissive of clergy and the other is a Christian who turns to a pastor with problems, that's a red flag. If one of you wants to live in a high rise in a big city and the other one wants to live on a farm with no town center in sight, that's a problem. If you both need to be the dominant person in the relationship, it ain't gonna work. If you are both disorganized or bad with money, it's a nightmare waiting to happen. You might have a wild fling, but this isn't a person with whom you should make babies, or live, or marry, or pledge exclusivity. You might not think religion matters that much, but it becomes much more important when you have kids, or at least when you share a residence and finances and are legally responsible for each other. Also, don't think you can give up your goals and be happy about it.

Note that the above are determined by who you are and what you need and want. The below are generally applicable regardless of who you are.

She Has Minor Children. Nope, nope, nope!!!

She's a Coworker or Working in the Same Company, Location, Profession, or Industry. It is FAR too risky for man to even compliment a woman under these circumstances. Even if she won't file allegations of sexual harassment, discrimination, or worse, someone else could merely because they heard or saw you together. A bad breakup will mess up your career. Do not date any woman with a nexus to your job.

She "Likes To Travel." If that's in her social media or dating profile, or it is something she tells you early on, that should be a red flag to you. A lot of people like to travel. The reason a woman who is looking for a man would make a point of volunteering that information is that what she is really saying is: "I want to fly places, take cruises, stay in expensive accommodations, eat expensive meals, shop for expensive items, and look for wealthier men than you and have YOU pay for it, and this way I won't have to work, keep house, do laundry, or cook!"

She Isn't Financially Solid. If she buys things and services she doesn't need or doesn't use, if she's got debt or bad credit, this is a red flag if you're looking to marry. Marriage forms a financial agreement enforced by the state. One of the major causes of divorce is fighting about money.

She Won't Agree to a Prenup or Cohabitation Agreement. The laws and courts are unfavorable to earners, especially men. Do not leave conditions entirely up to the laws, which form a de facto agreement. If living together or marrying are going to stand a chance of working out, you need to discuss the matters these agreements can cover ahead of time and agree. Otherwise, you do not get any more serious in the relationship and do not move in or marry. 

There Isn't Strong Mutual Attraction. She might be willing to fake it. and you're not going to know for sure, but she should at least act like she's strongly attracted to you. But you should be very strongly attracted to her. A healthy woman looking for a sincere connection wants to be desired by her man. Most want to be continually pursued. Whether they admit it or not, even most heterosexual feminists want their man to "take" them with passion. Erections are physically and emotionally complicated things. You are going to have more problems more often with erections if you were never all that attracted to her, and it's probably going to be a problem between the two of you. Women rarely get more attractive than when you first get to know them, so if that spark isn't there, don't count on it ever happening. Her being a good person or having other qualities you like isn't enough.

She's An Unhappy Person. We all have our down moments, but if she's generally unhappy, clinically or perpetually depressed, dissatisfied, ungrateful, pessimistic, or mad at the world, especially if she blames men or expresses misandrist views, forget about it. You're not going to change that and you don't want to live with that, and you certainly don't want your son living with that.

All Her Past Boyfriends Were Jerks. If her past relationships were all train wrecks, if she says all of her past boyfriends where jerks, especially if she blames all of her problems on her past boyfriends, that doesn't bode well. This might be downgraded to a yellow flag if she's still young, only had a few boyfriends, and has undergone a personal transformation, especially with therapy or profound introspection so that she can explain exactly why she made those choices. But if, for example, the police were involved in the end of each of her relationships, you don't want to be the next guy who goes to jail.

She Has Multiple Divorces. This is kind of tied into the above. If she seems to have gone from one shackup situation to the next with little or no time between, or has multiple divorces with quick remarriages, the chances are major trouble is ahead. Second marriages have a far higher divorce rate than first marriages. Third marriages have even worse odds.

Her Family and Friends Don't Have Good Relationships or Are Terrible People. Unless she has voluntarily distanced herself from her family, what her family is like is very important. We don't choose our family, but this isn't about what is fair. It is about what might possibly lead to a good relationship. And if she's enmeshed with her family and they are a mess, her relationships are almost certainly going to be a mess, even if just because you'll have to deal with them. Unlike a family in to which she was born or adopted, friends are chosen. If her friends are all, or mostly, awful, that's a reflection of who she really is. If she has no long-term friendships, that's a huge warning. Having a lot of close male friends is a problem, too. Every one of those guys, if they are attracted to women, wants to bang her and they are just waiting to talk smack about you in order to get her to do it. She might want to do them, too, or already has. If she trashes her friends behind their back (to her other friends or to you,) but she keeps them as friends, that's a problem. By the way, that's how she talks about you, when you're not around.

She's Jealous or Suspicious. It can feel flattering if she's willing to claw the eyes out of another woman she perceives as a rival for your affection, but a woman who is unreasonably jealous isn't fun to live with. You can't talk about your past, she'll want to get rid of anything in your life that has any connection to past women, and she'll always be checking up on you. If she tends to assume the worst about people and their motivations, run. If she upsets your friends or family or tries to get you away from them, that's not good. If she kills your dreams or tries to get you to drop your hobbies, drop her!

She's Vindictive or Reckless. Has she ever spread lies, made false allegations, destroyed or vandalized someone else's property? Caused scenes? Yikes!

Violence or Abuse. If she hits you, slaps you, kicks you, pushes you, bites you, assaults you, throws things at you, destroys things, says cruel things to you, threatens you... I mean, I shouldn't even have to write it. Unless that stuff is foreplay for you that you literally asked for, you should have a zero tolerance policy for it. If you find yourself wanting to do these thing to her, that's a problem. It means she frustrates you. Or, if you feel like doing that with every woman you're with, it is likely YOU that is the problem and you shouldn't be in relationships, at least not unless you profoundly change. But if she attacks you, even if you're a lot bigger than her, that's zero tolerance territory, and if you have kids with her they will be a lot smaller than her, and even if you don't have kids with her, she can poison you or kill you in your sleep. It isn't "cute" if she gets so angry she starts hitting you, or breaks something of yours. 

She Wants to Move Quickly. Most guys don't mind getting right to sex, but if she wants to be exclusive, wants to move in, starts "hinting" about engagement, wants to get married, or wants to have kids together quickly, she's probably hiding something she doesn't want you to discover, notice, or figure out, or she's not capable of taking care of herself, she needs legal standing to stay in the country, or she thinks you could do a lot better than her and she's trying to lock you in. You should have spent about two years with her - really with her in-person on a consistent, regular basis - before doing something like living together, marrying, or having children.

She's Not In Good Health. This includes health in every sense of the word - physical and mental. Don't play the rescuer. It's one thing for you to become a committed couple and then she gets injured or sick. That's not what we're talking about here. If she abuses substances (including food), has terrible teeth in need of frequent expensive dental work, or has mental illnesses or disorders, you are setting yourself up for all kinds of trouble. Does she appear to have a weak immune system? Does she cut herself? Does she have depression, is she bipolar, is she borderline, is she narcissistic, does she have phobias that interfere with life? Is she carrying communicable diseases/infections like HIV, crabs, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, HPV, or syphilis? Does she have diabetes or any serious chronic disease? Now, maybe you have some of these. All the more reason she shouldn't! And if you want to have kids, her health is very important.

She Hides Her Past or Her Past Is a Mess. If you're going to get deeply intertwined with her, you need to know about her past and her records, including medical, academic, driving (really!), court, criminal, employment, etc. You also need to see old pictures and video of her (pre-cosmetic surgeries) if you're going to have kids with her, to get some idea of what they're going to look like. We all have learned better. We've all had embarrassments. But things like a bad driving history is expensive: higher insurance costs, risks of lawsuits, medical bills, car repair bills, tickets, etc. Guess who'll be expected to pay for that? Our past follows us into our future and can reveal character and capability. 

Her Misdeeds Are Public Record. Crimes, court judgements, accidents, negative news. Again, this stuff follows you around. If she was rightly sent to prison, you don't want her for keeps.

She Wants Kids Who Will Be Dumped in Daycare. You must agree on whether to have kids or not, and how many. If you don't agree, you can't marry. If you don't want kids, get a vasectomy. If you both want kids, but she won't cooperate to arrange life so that the kids will have a parent with them, forget it. Anyone who tells you daycare or hired help is just as good for a kid as a good parent is selling you something or trying to assuage their guilt. A child needs a parent with them until they go to Kindergarten at age 5 or 6, and a parent with them before and after school each day.

She's Traditional Only When It Benefits Her. Does she expect you to "provide and protect" for her (and the kids!) but insists the two of you will split the household chores 50/50, or that you'll do more of them? Does she want a big expensive ring and a big expensive white dress wedding and is trying to convince you that it's OK if she has other lovers, perhaps by saying you can, too? Yeah, no.

She's a Damsel in Distress. Maybe there's always something drastically wrong in her life. Maybe she has PTSD. Is she dramatic, insecure, or hypersensitive? Does she cause scenes? Does she lose control? Does she make excuses for being irresponsible, moody, hostile, frigid, or difficult? Is she generally "too much work"? Don't think it is a good idea to swoop down and "rescue" her.

Something Is Wrong or Off. Maybe you can't even put your finger on it. Or you find yourself exhausted and down when or after you spend time with her. You feel bad about yourself. You are alienating your friends and family. She picks fights and arguments. Something just isn't right about her or being with her. That's a warning.

Disqualified!!!

Any one of the red flags above is enough to mean you shouldn't marry her. The more she has, the worse it is.

"But sir! That doesn't leave any woman to marry!

OK! Then don't marry. Marriage is optional. You weren't born with a wife. You don't need a wife. If you're not going to take this advice and you're going to marry her anyway, at least you'll know that you did it to yourself. You saw the flags and decided to put yourself through that anyway. If that's what you're going to do, please get a vasectomy so a child won't have to endure it. YOU are CHOOSING it. A child doesn't.

"But doesn't she deserve to be loved?!?"

I'm not saying that she doesn't deserve love. But you don't have to sacrifice yourself. Let some other guy make that mistake.

Have I missed any red flags (or deal breakers) that should be universal or at least common? You can come up with additional ones for you. Comment below if you'd like with either your personal red flags or what should be a read flag to any man.