First Date Advice For Women

Elise Nersesian has contributed to Redbook and Cosmopolitan. So when she offers "5 Ways to Win Him Over" on a first date, I'm not quite sure what she means. Is she trying to give advice about how to foster conditions for the best first date, or how to get a guy you already want to want you? Unless it is a blind date, he's already attracted to you, or he wouldn't be there. I'll take a crack at her suggestions anyway.

What really matters to a guy on date number one?

That depends. If they are Category 4, the guy wants to get to sex as soon as possible. He's not really going to be listening to what you have to say other than to see if any the info you provide will help reach his goal. If he's Category 3, he's going to be looking for signs you're wife material.

1. Appreciate his effort - Odds are, the guy planned the date.

Definitely.

2. Embrace the awkwardness - A blank stare here, an uneasy silence there - sounds painful, right? Not so. Even the most successful dates have at least a few awkward moments.

Yes.

And what if you’re not nervous, but it’s obvious that your date is? Don’t just talk over him. Draw him out on topics he clearly cares about - why did he have a hard time deciding between the Shiraz and the Pinot Noir?

That sounds a good way to get to know him better, too.

3. Turn off your cell phone - Lots of people are obsessed with their cell phone or BlackBerry, but taking calls in front of your date sends serious signals that he’s not worth your undivided attention…Same goes for text messaging or vibrating BlackBerrys. But if you must answer calls for work, just clue your guy in ahead of time so he’s prepared for an interruption, and make sure to apologize when it does buzz.

Guys should seriously consider getting up and leaving the date if she does anything with her phone. Her friends know she's on a first date and would only be contacting her to make sure she hasn't been left in a dark alley – so all she'd have to do is give a short code response like, "It's OK". There's a good chance that the person she's in contact with is the guy she's going to be having sex with after you pay for her dinner. Category 3 guys can excuse interruptions for family (parent, sibling) emergencies and work. Category 4 guys don't want to put up the hassle. Minor children calling? You shouldn’t be dating a single mother. But she can still use the phone in the restroom without you knowing.

4. Don’t grill the guy! …If the conversation isn’t flowing that easily, try to get your date to ponder fun, feel-good thoughts. Try something like, “What’s your favorite childhood memory?” Or, “If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where wouldyou go?”

Good. Except that one question you should definitely ask is why he's dating. Is he dating to find someone to eventually marry? Is he dating because he likes having dinner with someone else? Is he dating primarily for sex? If you're not a match on this question, then you can either get up and leave immediately, or you can enjoy the rest of the date without taking it too seriously.

5. Provide the positive reinforcement - Simply put, people like people who like them back. So if you’re having a good time, don’t be afraid to let your guy know how much you’re digging him.

Good.

“Some guys go for the hard-to-get woman,” says Paul, 37. “But even if she’s got some of that attitude, sooner or later you want to know that you’ve broken through, that you’ve won her over.”

If a guy really likes that, then he's probably the kind of guy who is all about the conquest and will move on after he gets there. Category 3 guys are turned off if a woman seems so malleable or so eager or so desperate that she’s going to give ego strokes to any guy. But otherwise, the more upbeat and appreciative you are, the better.

Here my tips in addition to the good ones above.

If you're looking for a Category 4 guy (and some of you are), it is okay to skip the formalities. Sure, you want to meet him in a neutral location to confirm he’s not obviously dangerous lunatic. Otherwise, as long as you don’t give any indication that you have children, want children soon, have a transferrable disease, or are a stalker, you can pretty much say anything and it won't matter because he'll still do ya.

Offer to pay half. Unless you're living in your father or brother’s home and looking after your younger siblings or nieces & nephews and the house, you should be earning your own income just as much as he is expected to be earning his own income. If he refuses to allow that, especially if he cites the fact that he asked for and planned the date, then tell him you'll plan and pay for the next date. This is also a sneaky way of taking the conversation to whether or not there will be a next date. Under such circumstances, he'll probably decline a second date only if he can't stand you or is a control freak.

Don't spend much time complaining about past dates. Mentioning a dating disaster or two is one thing, but going on and on with complaints about dates (or anything, for that matter) is a turn off.

Don't criticize other women in the vicinity. It makes you look insecure. The exception to this is if he says something negative about one of them, like "She's had too much to drink" or "She shouldn't be wearing that here." Offering your opinion on that precise thing is fine. But if you stray into "And her eyebrows are too thick", you're on thin ice.

If he opens doors for you, offers his arm during a walk, moves your chair for you, carries your leftovers, or any of those other "old fashioned" things, do thank him.

The Path Taken

There is so much I want to write about, but time is short these days. For now, I will offer a message about where I am in life right now.

Last night, my wife placed another restriction on our lovemaking in terms of what can take place. (Thankfully, we weren't making love at the time she announced this restriction. Also, it is not a painful thing or something some people consider immoral or degrading.) Mind you, the frequency of lovemaking in general has been down to once a week for a while now, though I do think there is some light at the end of that tunnel coming up very soon.

This prompted me to again evaluate in my head our overall situation beyond just lovemaking. But as far as the lovemaking, I already knew that my marriage was by far my sexual relationship with the lowest frequency of sex. (I'll say again, as I did when I detailed this before, that I now realize that the sex outside of marriage was wrong. But that doesn't change the facts of sexual frequency.) It now occurrs to me that it is the one with the most sexual restrictions placed on it by my partner. Then again, my wife is the only woman who was a virgin when we started.

Those facts, along with a lot of other aspect our of life these days, is not how I thought things would be. If I were to send a snapshot of my current life, without commentary, back in time to myself when I was considering whether or not to get married, I wouldn't have gotten married. I love my wife and kids and there's a lot about life that is good, but I would not have come down this path.

So what does that mean?

It means I need to change the things I can. Maybe it is just my attitude or perspective, but it is probably more than that. I made vows to my wife and I believe in my obligations to our children, so I would not consider something drastic like separation.

Separation would not make things better; it would make things worse. It would make them worse for me, it would make them worse for our kids for sure, and my guess is that things would be worse for my wife. She's told me repeatedly how much she loves her life and that things are the way she wants them. That makes me reluctant to rock the boat. I don't want to diminish her happiness. But on the other hand, if something is going to bother me to the point of causing me to resent her or otherwise act negatively, then I am obligated to do something about that, which, in some cases, will likely include telling her that I need something to be different. I'll only do that if she as any control over it. I'm not going to whine to her about something she can't change.

There are certain points in life where there is no going back. Even though I wouldn't have chosen this path had I known it would be the way things are at this moment, the fact is, I did choose this path and there is no going back. There are things about my life that I'm certain would be better right now if I had remained unmarried and childless, and that's not just "grass is greener" stuff. Then again, there's always a chance that something horrible could have happened to me.

Much of life is like this. If we fully knew the pain or the frustration or struggle that was ahead based on a choice (I'm not referring to immoral behaviors), we would have gone in a different direction. But our growth as individuals would be severely stunted.

I'm optimistic that things will get better. Maybe with the next hug I get from one of my kids, I'll feel like I would have been crazy to have avoided this path.

One last thing before I wrap this up. I have never stopped my wife from doing anything during our lovemaking, or told her at other times not to do something during our lovemaking.

Dear reader, do you have any thoughts about this? Maybe your own tale? Suggestions?

Taking Your Daddy Issues Out on Men

So many of these letters come from people who apparently don’t have fathers in their lives. Well, that’s not the case this time. DAUGHTER OF A CHEATER wrote in to Dear Abby:

My father is having an affair -- another one. It is not the first time I have found evidence of it. I was using his computer to work on my grandmother's memorial and an IM popped up from a woman telling him to meet her at a family event my mother was not supposed to attend. Her message to Dad was extremely sexual and very upsetting.

What's with these guys who aren’t more careful about getting caught? Or did he reach the point where he wanted to get caught?

The "other woman" is an old high school friend of my parents' and a friend of the family.

Does that matter? Would it be okay if she was some unknown woman?

My heart breaks for Mama, but she loves Dad so much she will stand by him through anything.

Does she love him the way he needs to be loved? If so, and he's still cheating, then your mother picked a bad man. If your mother is neglecting him, though, then he could be a good man who is doing a bad thing. Or, they could have an arrangement.

Somehow, I always manage to get stuck in the middle of their marital problems, and I was even blamed for their separation five years ago.

You did write that you’ve confronted hime before. If you're sticking your nose where it doesn't belong, you should be told that. But you can't be blamed for the problems your parents have with themselves and each other. If you don't want to be stuck in the middle, then stay out of the sex lives of both of them, and don’t let them drag you into their fights.

This has affected my relationship with my boyfriend because I have extreme trust issues.

I can sympathize with your boyfriend, unfortunately.

Your boyfriend is not your father. But frankly, unless you two have made promises to each other to be exclusive, which I wouldn’t advise unless engagement is about to happen – and I wouldn't do at all if you’re under 25 – then both of you should be seeing other people.

Dear Abby replied:

For your own emotional well-being you must remove yourself from the drama and dysfunction in your parents' marriage.

Definitely.

Not all men are like your father. Many men respect women and are capable of having loving, monogamous marriages. You need professional help, and with good reason, and I urge you to get it.

Good advice!

Amish Brothers Accused of Doing Bad Things

...to kids and with animals. The text of this story not for the squeamish.

Where's a good Harrison Ford movie when you need one?

In Grant County, Wisconsin, the authorities believe that two Amish brothers have been doing some very evil and disturbing things, including incestuous molestation and beastiality.

Authorities issued two criminal complaints on Tuesday for the men -- Christian G. Stolzfus, 19, of Fennimore, and Dannie G. Stolzfus, 18, of Fennimore. They were the subjects of a three-month investigation by the Grant County Sheriff's Department and the county's Department of Social Services.

The men face charges involving at least six different family members and multiple animals.

Christian Stolzfus is charged with repeated sexual assault of a child, four counts of first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; attempted first-degree sexual assault of a child under the age of 13 without great bodily harm; two counts of incest; exposing genitals or pubic area; and two counts of sexual gratification with an animal. Authorities said that they believe these incidents occurred during a four-year period.

Dannie Stolzfus is charged with two counts of incest and sexual gratification with an animal. Authorities said that they believe these incidents occurred over a three-year period.

And how old were the victims?

Authorities said the victims, at the time, ranged in age from 5 to 16 years old.

And what animals were involved?

Govier said that that the animals allegedly involved were a cow and a horse.

Try a rattlesnake next time.

Now this is probably the most unbelievable line in the story:

The two men have not yet been arrested. Instead, the Grant County Sheriff's Department said they will be summoned to court to face the charges against them.

HUH?!?

If convicted of the charges, Christian Stoltzfus faces more than of 400 years in prison. Dannie Stoltzfus faces nearly 90 years in prison, if convicted.

I see... no need to arrest them because hey, there's a chance they won't have to spend the rest of their lives in prison, so they're not a flight risk, right? Sheesh. I hope all kids are being kept away from them.

This is not in anyway to excuse these guys, because they should definitely go away for a long time if they did these things, but my guess is that someone did something to these guys when they were younger. Is that person still alive and free?

Let's lighten it up a bit now...

Feelings Following Actions

Back in February, Dr. Laura posted a letter from a listener that was titled "Change Your Actions And Your Feelings Will Follow". This is the kind of change so many husbands crave. The writer has been married for twenty years and has three children. Reading Dr. Laura's The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands sparked the change.

I'm 43, my sex drive isn't what it used to be, and I can pretty much take it or leave it.

Women (and men, for that matter) have natural hormonal changes, and if someone is married, they need to accept that in their partner. But a lowered libido need not necessitate a loss of lovemaking. (How's that for alliteration?)

I knew sex was very important to a man - Madison Avenue doesn't use it as their primary marketing tool for nothing. What I didn't realize was how deeply PERSONAL sex is to a man. I thought sex was a need for physical release, driven by hormones. Something that could be satisfied with me or with the Swimsuit Edition of Sports Illustrated. I had no clue that my husband is fed emotionally and spiritually by making love with me, his wife.

Yes, sex is a physical thing for us, but yes, marital lovemaking is also an emotional, recreational, and spiritual experience that continually renews a husband's bond to his wife. We are able to reduce sex to a mere physical act, but it isn't the same if we do that.

The point you make in your book that denying my husband sex is the equivalent of him not speaking to me, broke my heart.

Yes. This seems to be a good analogy. A wife sexually rejecting her husband is like the husband rejecting conversation with his wife.

Armed with this new information, I was determined to do a 180 on our sex life.

Attitude makes such a difference.

I researched how to spice up married sex, made up a questionnaire asking him what he liked, where and how he liked it and what he didn't like.

That's a very good idea. Maybe I should make a list of suggested questions to put on such a questionnaire? Someone has to have put something like this online already.

I started fixing myself up more, and making sexy phone calls to him at work.

Both of those are great.

Two of my kids (ages 7 and 9) had a habit of climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night. I told them that if they woke up in the night, to climb into bed with another kid, that mommy and daddy's bed was off limits unless they had a nightmare.

That should definitely help.

I came onto him at least once a day, sometimes twice, and by the end of the first week, after another enthusiastic session he said to me, "You're wearing me out! Who are you, and what have you done with my wife?"

He probably couldn’t stop smiling.

I told him about your book, that I was sincerely sorry I had unknowingly hurt him, and promised he would never feel sexually deprived again.

After all of that, you could parade the contestants from Miss Universe in front of him, nude, and have them hit on him, and he’d still reserve it for his wife.

I want to emphasize that I didn't feel like having sex everyday, but I do love my husband and wanted to show him in a way that was meaningful TO HIM. All these years I had been trying to show him my love in ways that were meaningful to me. Invoking the "fake it 'til you make it" philosophy, over time, my own sexual feelings began to rev up, and I am proof that if you change your actions, your feelings will follow.

Good for her.

Relationship Hell

All three letters in this edition of Dear Abby interest me. They all remind me that there is a lot to like about my wife. YOUNG MOM IN RICHMOND, IND. wrote:

I'm a teen mom who feels like I am being taken advantage of by my
newborn's grandmother. (I'll call her "Liz.") My baby's father, "Todd," lives
with her. They provide no financial support.

He lives with mommy and provides no support. Sounds like you picked a winner.

Liz puts me on the spot constantly and makes me feel bad if I tell her she can't have the baby that day or take her to a certain place. Since day one, she has wanted to take my baby out of town. That bothers me because I don't want my
daughter going out of town unless I am with her.

Guess what? If her son takes you to court to get some official custody, he'll be able to take her out of town without you. Of course, you can take him to court for support, too.

I feel obligated to let Todd's mother see the baby all the time to avoid the drama she would cause in my life if I don't.

She's just as much a grandmother as your own mother. See why it matters who you have sex with?

Dear Abby responded:

Do not allow anyone -- no matter how well-intentioned -- to do anything with your baby that makes you uncomfortable.

Well, yeah, that would be ideal, but that's not the law. The guy can get, say, weekend custody and they can do all sorts of things that would make her uncomfortable – legally. Like have other people over for the night.

SECOND FIDDLE IN ARIZONA wrote:

My boyfriend of four years, "Omar," and I have been having major arguments lately. They're about the relationship he has with his sister. I feel he confides in her more than he does me.

I realize she's his sister, but he consults her about finances, what kind of pet to buy, how things are going at work, etc. He's never open with me about those issues. He shuts me out to the point that I have told him if it doesn't change, we're through. He says I'm "overreacting."

It took you four years to see this? If you want the rest of your life to be like this, then keep seeing him. Otherwise, start dating others.

I'm a single mom, doing well on my own, but he refuses to acknowledge it.

Ah-ha! So you should be his first fiddle, even though he's not yours? Look, you should have your kid(s) as your priority. You shouldn't be dating each other, at least not seriously.

BUDGETING IN FAIRFAX, VA. wrote:

I am 21 and recently became engaged to my boyfriend of three years.

Strike one. You are too young, especially since has been going on since you were 18. And notice we don't get his age.

We are trying to pull off a wedding on a budget.

Good idea – when you’re old enough.

My parents dislike my fiance, so we are footing the bill.

Your parents don't like him. That's strike two. You sure you want a lifetime of that conflict? But her question is about... having her hair done. Yikes. Ah, the priorities of young wanne-be brides.

Your Wedding Date is Not Your Birth Date

Are you "not allowed" to talk about your past? REMARRIED TEXAN wrote in to Dear Abby:

My wife, "Jan," is having problems related to my late wife, "Ellen."

How can a dead woman continue to bother your wife?

Ellen and I were married 31 years. We built a business together and raised three
sons. Obviously, I have a lifetime of memories associated with her. I admit that
I still grieve, but I have tried to move on.

You're always going to think about her. It is common for widows and widowers to wake up in the middle of the night and not remember that their (former) spouse is deceased.

I am forbidden to mention Ellen's name around Jan.

This kind of thing really ticks me off, and I agree with what Dr. Laura says when she takes calls like the wife in this case might make. This man remarried. He picked a new wife. The other woman is dead. Why the insecurity? Now, if he keeps saying things like, "I liked Ellen's way better" or something like that, then he needs to learn to edit himself. But over three decades, a business, and three sons together – sorry, his late wife is a part of his past that can't be erased. He wouldn’t have been the same man that Jan married if there hadn't been Ellen. Jan needs to think about that.

Jan now says she has no "place" in this house, although we moved most of her furniture in and sold mine.

Yeah, some women just can’t stand that man actually inhabited that space with another woman, especially if he did so happily. Furniture is one of the main targets.

When guys do something like this, it tends to be more along the lines of asking her more than she has volunteered about her past relationships, because of a feeling that knowing more about that past somehow gives him so more power over it. He also wants to make sure she's not holding back some perk that a past boyfriend got, or nor retreading territory. Guys like that should relax and enjoy that she is with him.

Abby, Jan won't let me have a photo of Ellen, even in a drawer. I had to buy hera second piano because she refused to play the one that Ellen had played on, nor will she consider a certain make of car to replace hers because Ellen drove one.

Wow, either this guy ignored the red flags, or Jan bit her lip, thinking he'd "forget" about Ellen once remarried. That is something people need to make clear. "It's okay that things are this way now, because we're not married. But my expectation is that this will change should we marry. What do you think?"

She says she feels like "the other woman" in our marriage.

Tell her she's free to go. I understand that in Texas, the penalty isn't so bad.

Dear Abby agrees that Jan is insecure and suggests marriage counseling.

It is all too common for a girlfriend to make it clear a guy should never mention anything that has any connection to a former girlfriend, lest she get upset or pouty. For example, he can't talk about a vacation he took to a place he'd never been before because he went there with his past girlfriend. This kind of walking on eggshells is awful. I know, because I've experienced it. But those were girlfriends, where the relationship would last 2-3 years. This guy is being asked to shut up about 31+ years of his life by someone who is supposed to be with him the rest of his life. No thanks.

Do you have a story about changes demanded by a new honey because of connections to an ex?

On the positive side, I have a picture of me and a past girlfriend (A) eating at a very nice restaurant... with a previous girlfriend (B), her husband, and his parents! And my wife and I have stayed overnight in the home of girlfriend B and her husband. On the downside, my wife has always been wary of any contact I have with girlfriend A. Contact has been reduced to virtually nothing over the last few years. That's to be expected, though, as she has gotten married and I'm married and busy with kids and all.

An Opportunity For Fire Drills

Looks like China is seeing some traffic jams almost as bad as the Los Angeles area, according to this AFP story.

Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometre (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days and highlights China's growing road congestion woes.

I can sympathize.

Traffic slowed to a snail's pace in June and July for nearly a month, according to earlier press reports.

Man, those traffic reports on the radio must have gotten highly monotonous. The article says that food is being sold to the drivers as they wait. The only problem with that is that the drivers are hungry again half an hour later.

Okay, okay – I hope I'm not offending anyone. There's a lot about Chinese culture that I like, including the food. They certainly are having some growing pains, though, and there's a lot I don't like about China, too. Like the lack of human rights.

A Tale of Bait and Switch

Has something like this happened to you? Here's another example of "great as a girlfriend, bad as s wife". "J." wrote in to Dr. Laura:

I am afraid despite any efforts that I might make, my 7 year marriage (2 boys) is coming to an end.

My wife got back in contact with someone from high school and has been having an affair for the last 5 months.

She might realize that she made a mistake in that regard. It happens often in cases like that, though usually the marriage has been in place (and the time since high school) a lot longer.

For the longest time, she has made me feel responsible for our marriage ending and her affair, because I was distant, and working too hard, and I left her alone.

She wanted more attention.

We own our own businesses and it truly was a ton of work, but it provided my wife could stay at home with our kids.

See, there's a rub. If a man is going to support his family, he's going to have to work. In a lot of cases, he's going to need to work a lot. So then the wife is not working outside the home, but she is home without him all the more. It's a cycle.

She has always rejected me when I BEG for sex, and never has she responded when I came home as your book The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands suggests.

Poor guy. Check the DNA of those boys.

Instead she continually complained about having to do all the housework, children stuff, etc. While I was working 60+ hrs a week to allow her to stay home with them and maintain our lifestyle.

You should have offered to switch places.

I also realized that should our marriage end, there are women out there who understand the proper way to care for their husbands.

Yeah, but you should concentrate on raising your boys until they are grown, not finding a new honey.

I also realized my wife was a great girlfriend (affectionate, loving, respectful, thoughtful) but after we got married, she decided the hard work was over.

Ah, bait and switch. Like when a guy romances a woman but stops after she marries him.

Don't Let Her Move In

Another example of how shacking up is bad. REASONABLE GUY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA wrote in to Dear Abby, proving that he's not so reasonable.

I have been dating "Kate" for a year. She's caring and down-to-earth. We have so much in common, and time goes by quickly when we're together.

So far, so good.

That's why, when a new job brought Kate closer to my place, I told her she could stay with me, so her commute would be less stressful while she gets used to the job and learns her way around.

Bad idea.

After being single and living alone for six years, I want a relationship.

But are you desperate?

Maybe in the future I'll want her to move in with me.

Buddy, she already has moved in. Your lack of perception is part of the problem.

We spend weeknights together and go out as a couple every weekend.

So you have your relationship.

But I also like "my time" and "my night out."

I like my time and time with friends, too. But I rarely get a moment these days.

I am a part-time publicist for an entertainer and try to keep up with the local music and club scene. Two nights out alone during the month work for me…But I feel a distinct "chill" from her when my night arrives.

Of course you do. There's no reason you can't take her along; in fact, it would give you a female perspective on what is going on and help your work. You could have your alone time in any number of ways that don’t involve hook-up spots. You've moved her in. She thinks you belong to her. Now, if she wants you to stay home rather than going with you, then you have to ask yourself if you want her more than your job.

I hope you're wearing condoms - ones to which she doesn't have access.

Guys, unless you're getting married any second now, never move her in with you. Don't even let her leave things at your place. If she "forgets" something at your place, throw it away. if she asks about it, say you haven't seen it. If it is expensive enough, she won't "forget" things at your place again. She's trying to move in by doing that, but more immediately, she's trying to signal other women. If her signal is gone, she will think another woman threw it out, and she will think she has competition.

Stepmother Wants Changes

How do you kiss family members? "Want My Husband's Lips for Myself" wrote in to Dear Margo:

My husband and I married earlier this year, and we have a great relationship. We both came into the marriage with children.

She means minor children. Mistake!

The one thing that seems to be driving me crazy is that my husband kisses his 5-year-old daughter on the lips. It’s just a peck, but it aggravates me to no end.

You didn’t know this before you got married? Or did you expect wedding cake would change him?

I have a daughter, and I always kiss her on the cheek.

That's you and your daughter. Every family is different.

I have mentioned that I’m totally against the gesture; he said he will do so until the day he dies. Fine, but I feel this is intruding on our relationship, as I see it being a sexual gesture and very inappropriate.

Then leave.

Dear Margo responded:

I agree with you and have always found it kind of creepy. But I have seen many people kiss their children like this, and I don’t think it’s seductive. Gestures mean different things to different people. To your husband, kissing on the lips is his sign of affection. To you, it’s a boundary violation.

Look, I wouldn’t do it either. I'm too busy feeling my sisters' boobs (I'm kidding), but she had to have known about it before she married him.

I once noticed, while I was at a party where the hosts were two gay men and most of the guests were gay men, that my friend (one of the hosts) was greeting all of his gay male friends with a peck on the lips. I turned to my girlfriend of the time and told her I wanted to be able to kiss all of our female guests on the lips at our next party. She didn't go for it. She was willing to let me kiss all of our male guests on the lips, since that is what my friend did. Or rather, because she knew I wouldn't.

I would open the discussion with him in a new way. Perhaps the act itself is less meaningful than his resistance to granting your request. Does he resist your suggestions in general?

It’s not really a suggestion on her part, and again, she knew this was the way it is.

Is there guilt about divorcing the child’s mother?

Yes.

Ask yourself why you feel so possessive of his lips and whether it is hard to share his affection.

She feels possessive of his lips because she married him. But she shouldn't have.

Never Left the Nest, Never Made a Move

Would you accept a marriage proposal under these circumstances? JADED IN JERSEY wrote in to Dear Abby:

"Dave" is 49, well-educated, gainfully employed and still lives with his parents.

Strike one.

He has never been married and has no children.

Some see this in and of itself as a problem. However, I'd want to know why he's never been married, if I was a woman who was looking to get married.

His dating history is "sketchy" -- he claims never to have had a serious relationship with a woman.

Strike two.

Dave and I have enjoyed a strictly platonic relationship for nearly a year. He recently told me he's in love with me and wants us to be exclusive, with marriage the ultimate outcome.

No. Look, either the guy has been pining for you for a year and didn't have the confidence to hit on you, or he's not attracted to you and is simply looking for someone to take over for his parents because they are going to die someday. Either way, you don't want to marry him.

I have been divorced for 20 years. My children are independent, thriving adults.

Great.

Marrying again is not a priority in my life.

Okay then. You would have been able to keep Dave as a friend, but he's not happy with that arrangement. It's good that you don't want to marry him.

So, you can try to keep the friendship going, but he’s going to get frustrated. The longer you try, the more it is going to hurt you.

Dear Abby tells her to talk things over with him. Eh... There's not much to say, really, other than "I'm not marrying you. If you can't handle that, it is best we distance ourselves from each other, at least for now."

Fresh From the Spring

So a guy's semen is found in a coworker's water bottle in the OC. At first, I thought he was guilty for sure. Here's how the LATimes.com blogger Richard Winton put it:

An investment company executive was arrested Tuesday after DNA recovered from a female co-worker's water bottle revealed he allegedly put semen into a bottle that she later drank from, prosecutors say.

That is not well written - "revealed he allegedly"? How about, "An investment company executive was arrested Tuesday for allegedly placing his semen in a female coworker's water bottle. Prosecutors say the semen matched his DNA."

Now, I figured the guy was cooked, but as "Scott" pointed out in the comments at August 18, 2010 at 11:01 AM, she could have obtained the semen another way, and placed it in the bottle herself.

Michael Kevin Lallana, 31, of Fullerton…was charged with two misdemeanor counts of releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault on two separate occasions.

Two times?

The first incident allegedly occurred Jan. 14 when Lallana and the woman worked in the company's Newport Beach office. On that day, he left a semen-laced bottle of water on the victim's desk, and when she returned later, she drank from it.

Hold on a minute. Was it a bottle she left there, opened? Who goes back to their desk and drinks from an opened water bottle that they didn’t leave there, or didn’t leave there opened?

She fell ill and threw the bottle away, prosecutors said.

As "Scott" wrote:

There is something wrong with this story. First of all, ingesting semen would not make one sick.

I don't know - some women are highly disgusted by the stuff. Maybe she is allergic.

Three months later, prosecutors claim, Lallana repeated the act…in Orange, where the two had been transferred. The woman, whose identity was withheld by prosecutors, again felt ill. Suspicious of the water’s contents, she sent it to a lab for analysis. In June, the private lab warned the woman that the bottle contained semen.

But they still needed to find the match.

Taghavi said investigators were able to key in on Lallana because he worked at both locations where the incidents occurred. During the investigation Lallana eventually volunteered to provide a sample of his DNA for testing, he said.

Now, either the man is crazy, stupid, or figured he was in the clear because he didn't put his semen into her water bottle.

Taghavi said Lallana and the woman were colleagues, but Lallana had not expressed animosity toward the woman or done anything publicly to suggest he was the perpetrator.

Okay, so back to Scott's comment.

Secondly, unless the woman saved the first bottle of water from the first alleged incident back in January, which she didn't, there is no forensic evidence so where is this first incident information and evidence coming from? Maybe some co-workers were aware of what he had done and came forward? I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out the two of them were having sexual relations and she got fed up for whatever reason and set him up. I mean she could have performed oral sex on him and then deposited his semen in the bottle of water. I don't think he would have voluntarily given a DNA sample if he had done what he is accused of doing. I think there are major holes in this story, another rush to judgement story maybe.

Quite possibly. She could have also had intercourse with him, using a condom, and collected the semen that way. Or maybe she knows he has a habit of masturbating and dropping tissues into a certain waste basket.

Here's what would have to be true for prosecutors to be right:

1. In January, the suspect either masturbated at the victim's desk, or took the bottle somewhere to mb, or mb'd elsewhere and brought the semen to her desk, without her realizing, and without coworkers seeing or with coworkers being in on it.

2. We'll just assume she left an opened water bottle at her desk. She doesn't notice anything wrong with the water in the bottle before she drinks it.

3. She drinks from the bottle and the semen makes her sick, and she believes the contents of the water bottle made her sick.

4. She doesn't keep the bottle, or contact the water company – she just throws it away.

5. Three months later, steps 1-3 happen all over again.

6. She remembers the January instance.

7. Knowing he's guilty, the suspect volunteers a DNA sample.

I suppose all of this is possible. Either he's guilty or she is guilty of setting him up. Whichever it is, someone has done something very wrong.

What Did She Expect?

Why would a mom give a room to her unmarried daughter and the daughter's boyfriend for a weekend? MISERABLE MOM IN WISCONSIN wrote in to Dear Abby:

My adult daughter, "Suzie," spent the weekend at our home, bringing along her boyfriend of six months. This was "Liam's" first visit.

That was a mistake. He's not family and should not be staying in your home for the weekend if he is pursuing your daughter and you haven't met him before, or at least had him over before.

I allowed them to share Suzie's old bedroom, which we have converted into a family office.

That was a huge mistake on your part.

We keep a large futon in there for my daughter when she comes to visit. I didn't make a big deal out of where Liam and Suzie should sleep because I didn't want to embarrass them, and I was sure there would be no "hanky-panky" because our bedroom is right across the hall.

You're a wimp and a fool.

In the middle of the night I was awakened by Suzie's squeals and moans.

As my late grandmother once said, "I'm just glad you're having fun." I mean, what's the problem here? Do you object to your daughter fornicating, or is it okay for her to fornicate as long as she doesn't do it in your home... where you have given her a room with her boyfriend?

Fortunately, my husband is a sound sleeper.

He's a wimp, too, for allowing the sleeping arragements in the first place.

The next morning, while my husband was out on his daily run, I let the kids have it -- to the point of slapping Liam around a little. I told Suzie her actions were disrespectful and I was highly disappointed in her.

What did you expect after letting them share a room?

Do you think I overreacted?

Not really – you just reacted too late. Well, the slapping around is a bit much.

Did I silently give permission for such behavior by allowing them to share the same futon?

Yes.

And did Liam really think it would be OK to have sex in my home?

Your daughter did, and she knows you better than Liam. Maybe you are used to sharing a bed with a man and not having sex, but since your daughter is probably still trying to get this guy to buy her a ring, she isn't used to sharing a bed with him merely to sleep.

Dear Abby responded:

I will respond to your questions in reverse order. The answers are yes, yes and yes. And all of you owe each other an apology.

The writer owes them an apology for setting them up like that. Don’t let your unmarried children share a room on your dime, or in any other way that implies your consent.

I couldn't believe some of the things parents would do back in my wayward youth. With the girlfriend I was with the longest, there were multiple times her parents paid for us to have our own room on vacations.

Teen Sex and School

The headline to Alicia Chang’s Associated Press story was "Teen Sex Not Always Bad For School Performance". This is based on reports from teen boys to their parents. Okay, not really – it is being reported by the American Sociological Association. But yeah, I would imagine it isn't bad for school performance if there is no tension, suspense, or coercion; no loss of reputation; no nasty rumors, pictures, or video of the deed circulating; no hearts broken, sexually transmitted infections, or pregnancy.

But how much teen sex really falls into that narrow category?

A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex.

Very, very few teens are in relationships that are, in fact, committed. Just because they are only having sex with one person over the course of a few weeks doesn't mean there is a commitment.

The same isn't true for teens who "hook up."

Duh.

Researchers found that those who have casual flings get lower grades and have more school-related problems compared with those who abstain.

What isn't a causal fling when you're sixteen?

Teens in serious relationships may find social and emotional support in their sex partners, reducing their anxiety and stress levels in life and in school.

You can have that without sex.

"This should give some comfort to parents who may be concerned that their teenage son or daughter is dating," said sociologist Peggy Giordano of Bowling Green State University, who had no role in the research. Teen sex is "not going to derail their educational trajectories," she said.

Having a baby might. Or bleeding and infection from an abortion.

Last year, nearly half of high school students reported having sexual intercourse, and 14 percent have had four or more partners, according to a federal survey released this summer.

This means that over half aren't having sexual intercourse. You’d never know that by listening to those who want to sexualize our youth. (Now, sure, a lot of the rest are doing other sexual things, but at least not intercourse.)

Teens in serious relationships did not differ from their abstinent counterparts in terms of their grade-point average, how attached they are to school or college expectations. They were also not more likely to have problems in school, be suspended or absent.

Maybe the kind of teen who tends to be in "serious" relationships were able to attract someone else into that relationship because they already have those qualities.

Compared with virgins, teens who have casual sex had lower GPAs, cared less about school and experienced more problems in school.

Hmmm, I wonder why that wasn't the headline?

Teens who have sex - whether it's a serious or casual relationship - were at higher risk of being truant and dropping out compared with teens who don't have sex.

Well of course. When do you think they're having the sex?

"Having sex outside of a romantic relationship may exacerbate the stress youths experience, contributing to problems in school," Grodsky said.

Huh huh... you said "exacerbate"... huh huh...

The study dispels the notion that all teen sex is bad, said Marie Harvey, professor of public health at Oregon State University.

Of course not all teen sex is bad. Some teens are married.

Dr. Laura Quits Radio Show

She said on Larry King's show tonight that her contract is up at the end of the year and she's not going to renew. I hope this is a negotiating tactic. I just signed up for her Streamlink subscription for a year. And I don't want it to go away because like the show.

Of Sisters and Shack Ups

"Older Sister" wrote in to Dear Margo. After complaining about her younger sister for a paragraph, she gets to the meat of the issue.

Recently, she came to visit and stayed with my fiance and me and our kids.

Woah, hold on a minute there. "Our kids" as in – you made the kids together? Or "our kids" as in "my kids and his kids"? If is the former, is that why you say he is your fiancé – so that it will seem better that you are shacking up and making babies out of wedlock? Or do you actually have a ring and date? If you are "blending" kids, it is even worse. But let's get back to your complaints about your sister.

At brunch, I fed one of the kids healthy foods at his doctor’s request, and the moment I was out of sight, she loaded him up with cookies and cake from her plate.

Out!

Anytime we went anywhere, she followed my fiance in stores when we were browsing. At a family event, she waited until I went to the restroom to ask my fiance how we were doing and to offer support "if he ever needed anything." I don’t understand why she seems to go out of her way to make my fiance happy by siding with him at every opportunity.

Ditch your sister. But how did your fiancé handle the situation? If he handled it well, and he is the father of your children and generally husband material, go down to the courthouse or the county clerk's office and get married now, instead of continuing to shack up. Otherwise, dump him, too.

Margo pretty much agrees with the "ditch your sister" part. Check out the other letter in the same edition o the column, in which a child describes being her abusive mother's only friend. So sad.

Donations Are Good When Cash, Clothes, or Food

I have said it before and I will say it again. Men should never donate sperm. Never, never, never.

Nobody you know needs your sperm. You shouldn't underestimate how you're going to feel when you see "your" child being treated a way you don't like.

Nobody you don't know needs your sperm. It really isn't a good idea to have children that are genetically yours running around out there without you being able to keep tabs on them. Want to know what can happen? Check out this site. (One of my wife's sister's has donated eggs multiple times in recent years, unfortunately.) Plus, I think you are somewhat responsible if someone uses your sperm to intentionally set up a situation where a child will be raised without a mother or without a father.

Let people adopt, or let someone else be the idiot donor.

Yeah, you think it is an ego boost to "spread your seed" or you like the idea of getting paid to masturbate, but you don't need the complication of children you didn't raise coming into and disrupting your life later, or being tagged for child support. Oh yes, that can happen. The state doesn't want to be on the hook when the custodial parent needs aid, so you might end up paying.

Banking your own sperm for your own use may be a good idea in some cases (like illness), as long as you can be sure that it wouldn't be switched, or used by your wife or anyone else against your wishes.

Here's another example of why I have this rule. David Crary of the Associated Press reports about people like Katrina Clark and Lindsay Greenawalt, who were conceived by sperm donors, and now want more info.

Greenawalt, who lives near Cleveland, and Clark, a college student in Washington, D.C., are part of an increasingly outspoken generation of donor offspring. They want to transform the dynamics of sperm donation so the children's interests are given more weight and it becomes easier to learn about their biological fathers.

$$$

A new film, "The Kids Are All Right," depicts two teenage siblings who track down their sperm-donor father and introduce him to their lesbian moms. Complications ensue, but the teens' yearning to meet their dad is portrayed empathetically.

The film opened just weeks after the release of a provocative study by the Commission on Parenthood's Future, titled "My Daddy's Name is Donor." It surveyed 485 donor offspring, concluded they were more troubled and depression-prone than other young adults in comparison groups, and recommended an end to anonymous sperm donation.

I like the idea that I was conceived in an act of mutual, passionate, marital lovemaking - fresh, never frozen.

Teen Girl Wasn't Ready

LOVESICK IN YUCCA VALLEY, CALIF. wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a girl who has had my heart broken for the first time.

It's a horrible feeling.

I know I should get over this boy, but I can't stop thinking about him.

You'll feel better after some attention from other guys. But focus on studying, your hobbies, your friends, and your family.

My mom loved him.

I don't know your mom, so I don't know if that's good or bad.

We hung out every weekend for six months.

Probably not the best idea at your age, which I only know is "teen".

I thought I might have been pregnant.

Okay, well, that explains a lot. You lost your virginity to him. You're always going to remember this guy. You weren't mature enough to handle this. You'd be a lot better off if you hadn't done that. Your mother shouldn't have left you alone with him.

I'm not -- but I want to be. I know I'm not ready to be a mom, but I want someone to love me and depend on me. I need someone who won't leave me. I know my baby wouldn't.

Every guy who messes around with teen girls should cut out this column and paste it on his bathroom mirror. This is the kind of thinking you are dealing with. Ready to be a father?

Should I become a mom?

Only after about ten years, if you’ve married the right guy, and you have matured enough not to have this attitude. Don't even have sex now.

How do I get over my boyfriend? Do I stop talking to him and just be his friend?

Stop all contact with him for the foreseeable future. You may look back in a couple of years and realize that he was all wrong for you in the first place. Or, you may end up reconnecting. But be prepared to never have any contact with him again.

Dear Abby's response covers a lot of the same territory, but does not tell the girl to stop having sex.

Again, I notice there's no mention of a father.

They'll Always Have Paris – Or Not

"Stewing" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I’ve been married for 20 years, during which time my husband has never given me any reason to mistrust him. He is a good father with a strong sense of responsibility, and he takes his marriage vows seriously.

Great!

A couple of years ago, after 30-plus years, he reconnected with his high school friends through the Internet. He’s met a few of these friends during his travels, and some of them have even come for dinner. Here comes the situation. He’s been going to Paris every three months or so for business, where two of the high school friends live. One is a married male friend, "Sam." The other is a divorced female friend, "Lila." All three have gotten together for dinner, but on a couple of occasions, Sam couldn’t make it, so my husband had dinner with Lila.

He's never given you a reason to distrust him, but have you given yourself a reason to distrust him, by not being a good wife?

I know he has no romantic feelings for her, but I’m still uncomfortable with his having dinner with her alone.

It isn't appropriate. Well, it is in France, but they're messed up that way.

Just because something hasn’t happened in the past doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future.

Keep saying that about everything in life. That will make you happy and healthy.

Would I be overreacting if I asked him not to see Lila alone?

No, as long as you don't allow any man to come into your house (plumber, cable guy, etc.) while you are home but your husband isn't. Okay, it isn't quite the same thing as having wine and dinner, but he wouldn't be out of line asking that from you.

Margo responded:

I think you would seem insecure and controlling if you asked that he only see Lila with the male classmate present.

How is that controlling? He can say "No" to his wife's request.

I'm glad that Margo encouraged her to save herself the worry and give her husband the benefit of the doubt.

The husband is a great guy by the writer's own assessment. If she is being a good wife, she doesn't have anything to worry about. But he should be more respectful of the fact that he's a married man.

Marriage Reduced to an Insuring Device

"Concerned but in Love" wrote in to Dear Margo:

My boyfriend, "Mark," and I have been dating for two and a half years.

Okay.

We recently moved in together, against the cautions of everyone who told us we were "too young" (20 and 23).

Strike one (shacking up) and strike two (too young).

Honestly, we’ve become closer and feel our relationship is stronger.

Sure. But statistically, it bodes ill for a lasting marriage.

Living together has helped us know each other better.

Of course it has.

We planned to be married after I finished my associate’s degree. However, I suffer from severe endometriosis.

Strike three! Wow, this guy is setting himself up, isn't he?

The problem is that my insurance will soon run out. I don’t qualify for any through work, and I can’t afford it otherwise. When Mark learned what was going on, his suggestion was to get married sooner so I could continue receiving health care through his insurance.

He's really setting himself up.

He loves me, and his explanation is that when you love someone, you do what you can to take care of them.

The loving thing to do would have been to marry you instead of shacking up with you. The even more loving thing would have been not to have gotten so serious in the first place at that age.

My concern is that people will think that because we’re getting married for insurance, I’m just using him.

Well, you are using him for that. But he probably won't mind.

Margo told her to go ahead and get married sooner.

Hey, where else have we heard "We need a legal marriage for the sake of insurance?"

Stay At Home Doesn't Mean Do Nothing

The Orange County Register has a feature called "Ask the Teacher". This edition was of interest to me. The "question" this time is really a statement:

I'll have you know my child loves going to preschool, and I send her from 8 to 530 all summer long, even though I am home.

This first sentence alone brings several things to mind.

Children like all sorts of things that we either keep them from, or limit.

There is a possibility that the child knows that her mother wants to hear her say she likes it.

Maybe the child just wants to get out of the house and play with other kids. But she can do so with her mother. There's nothing positive going on at this day orphanage that can't be provided by the mother.

Why bother having and retaining custody of kids if you're going to have other people raise them?
Would she be happy if she was able to say, "My husband loves paying to hang out with the guys nine and a half hours a day when he could be spending that time with me."?

I think she will benefit from it, and I do enjoy the time to myself. I still think my child is a 'gift' and I do not think I am escaping my responsibilities by finding somewhere for her to go that she likes.

This can all be distilled down to "I enjoy the time to myself." The rest is fluff, meant to bury any feelings of guilt. This woman is not sending her girl to be in someone else's care for what is likely more than half of that girl's waking hours because she "has to".

Which brings me to the fact that it must be nice for her husband to go out and earn the income and take on an enormous financial risk - the risk that she will divorce him, and he will be obligated to pay her more because she didn't work – while she has every day to herself. When a husband agrees to be the breadwinner, it generally isn't so his wife and indulge herself day in and day out. It is so that she can take care of things like… raising the children. Imagine if the sexes were reversed and she was going out to work all day while her husband dumped the kid on others every day so he could have ten hours to himself?

Looks like the columnist, Carol Veravanich, wasn't happy with the woman's actions, but didn't want to be too strong about it.

I would not send a child to preschool all day every day for this long if I were home, although if I were working then I would work to find somewhere my child enjoyed to spend his time.
...
But, if you are home and not watching your child, then I think that is sad. The program you found may be best since they will welcome her in each day. You will not get this time back, however, and just because there is somewhere for her to go, that does not mean she should leave.

Poor kid.

Ken Connor: Parenting About Purpose, Not Happiness

Ken Connor wrote a column titled "The Purpose of Parenting" in which he bemoans the present-day attitudes many have determining their decisions whether or not to have children. Opened the column citing an article in New York Magazine titled "All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting”.

Sure hope no minors got a hold of that one, especially not through their parents.

The article is correct that in many ways, we have made children liabilities instead of assets. That’s just a legal, financial, and social reality. Connor comments:

In other words, children have gone from being mere products of economic necessity to the ultimate lifestyle accessories – features of the contemporary American "success story" not unlike the SUV and luxury automobile parked in the driveway.

Left out of this is the fact that in the past, not all children were born out of economic necessity. Many children were born for no other reason than they were the natural result of intercourse, which people were engaging in for enjoyment or material gain, or because they were being raped. Some children who were not killed via abortion were killed or abandoned at birth, or died of illness or accident. And today, even with surgeries that will eliminate the possibility of conception, various forms of contraception, and various forms of legal abortion, people who did not seek to become parents and raise children to have "lifestyle accessories" still do because they want to engage in intercourse and are too lazy to prevent pregnancy, don’t want to murder their child, and either grow to desire the child or are too messed up to put the child up for adoption. Or they have children to try to trap a partner. There are many, many reasons why people want to have children, and not all of them are realistic or noble.

What's truly fascinating – and not just a little troubling – however, is that our society has reached the point where we are using a "balance sheet approach" to assess the value of children (net worth equals assets minus liabilities) and a gain/strain ratio to evaluate the benefits of parenting. We now live in a world where the decision to procreate has become a "lifestyle choice" to be weighed against the benefits of remaining free to devote ourselves and our lives to, well, ourselves.

I don’t think it is a bad idea if people honestly assess themselves and what they want out of life and what having a child will mean before they make baby. They should grasp the reality that if they are going to be good parents, just about every aspect of their life is going to change with parenthood. There are many things I haven't been able to enjoy like I did before I became a parent. I was aware that life would change in this way, but it was still impossible to fully grasp ahead of time the entiretly of what was going to happen.

Each time a man and woman conceive a child, they are participating in God's larger creative plan for the world.

I agree, and it is most definitely a spiritual experience to become a parent - from the pregnancy through tbe birth through it sinking in who you are to this child. It is also quite an experience that leads to conception. Every time I see or feel my naked wife, I'm reminded there is a God, and He has blessed me.

It's a good column. Go read the whole thing.

Stewart's Rod Still Working

At least, that's the presumption.

Hey, I give 65-year-old Rod Stewart credit for his career longevity, catchy tunes, beating cancer, and his charity work. And I don't begrudge him a younger honey – just as I think it would be just fine for a 65-year-old-woman to snag a 39-ish guy.

But I do think it is highly irresponsible for him to be making babies at his age. This story gives no indication that he's married to Penny Lancaster, but according to the always reliable Wikipedia, they are married. So at least this latest kid they are having together is being born into a marriage.

Stewart should get a DNA test on both kids. And a vasectomy. This kid's dad is going to be freakin' 65 and it isn't even like the kid is going to have some young full-of-energy mommy. Oh well, I'm sure the nannies will be a big help.

Enough already, Rod!

And another thing. These stories always say the couple is so happy about having the kid. Of course. You're never going to see in People Magazine something like, "The old man married to the hot young woman tells us that he's really upset. He has grown children already and certainly didn't get remarried to have more. He's already making alternative arrangements for sex. He told her to get an abortion, but she didn't want to 'have my baby ripped into pieces.'" And yes, I'm glad they're not killing the baby.

Another One to Show Your Engaged Buddies

Prompted by an earlier e-mail Dr. Laura read on-air, someone calling himself "A typical (unfortunately) husband" wrote in to Dr. Laura.

My wife and I have been basically celibate for about 19 years now. That number coincides with the birth of my son. Basically since that time we have had sexual intercourse an average of 2 times per year and in the latest years, once.

Unacceptable.

I love her and am attracted to her but am divorcing her after realizing that 10 years from now I will most likely resent her and wish I'd done something to "start over" now.

I hope you are prepared to pay lots of alimony for the rest of your life. Unless you live in a rare jurisdiction that isn't so ridiculous.

The straw that broke the camel's back happened a few months ago when I took her to lunch and explained to her that I was "needy" and wanted to be good, but needed some relief from her.

That night she let me know in no uncertain terms it was a job she was doing and she didn't want to do it but felt compelled. Let's just say it was not even intercourse or what even Bill Clinton would describe as "not sexual relations".

Ah, the hand of mercy.

After that, I knew the marriage was over. I could never ask her to do that again. It was as if she thought "sex' with me is the worst chore in the household.

Does she play tennis and golf? Does she go to WNBA games?

My wife would rather divorce than try to work out our sexual issues and she's told me that in no uncertain terms.

Well, sure. She'll get nice parting gifts. He obviously waited for his son to grow up, which is commendable.

He's found a new woman. What do you want to bet most, if not all, of the people around them think he's scum for leaving his wife for another woman, when in reality his wife checked out twenty years ago? I'm not a bettin' man, but you get the idea. Sure enough...

The worst thing about this breakup is I don't feel like I can tell anyone the real reason for it. So I will bear the burden of the divorce and the brunt of family and friend's lectures and derision. It has already started with emails calling me un-Christian and even lecturing me about using the term "God Bless" at the end of my messages.

Something to keep in mind. We don’t know everything about the marriages of other people. And a lot of what we have seen or heard, we probably shouldn't have.

In-Law Drama, Past Partner, and Role Reversal

All three letters in this edition of Dear Abby were interesting to me.

I don't have this problem with my mother-in-law. Do any of you have this problem or one like it with any of your in-laws?

IN LOVE WITH THE OLDER VERSION wrote:

I'm 25 and have been married to "Bob" for five years.

Oops. You married too young.

The problem is, I'm in love with his 53-year-old father. I have always been attracted to "Charlie," but my feelings have escalated since Bob's mother died last year.

It is not entirely surprising that you'd be attracted to him, especially if his son gets his looks and mannerisms from him.

At one family get-together, Charlie kissed me passionately in the kitchen when no one was around.

I don't know what to do.

Never let Charlie do that again. Take steps to end this. You can. There's no other solution – not carrying our behind your husband's back, not leaving your husband for his father. Leaving the entire situation is an option, if there are no minor children. But if you're going to stick around, don't mention this to your husband. How about introducing Charlie to a hot, unmarried friend of yours? The guy is lonely.

Dear Abby agreed. Well, she didn't suggest that last part.

My mother-in-law is not unattractive, though the years of alcohol abuse haven't been kind. But all of her beauty is present in my wife (who is a lot younger) and then some, and my wife doesn't get drunk. Plus, father-in-law is alive and well and still married to my MIL. Above above else, I am a loyal husband. Now, in my wayward youth, there was an instance when I was interested in a girl, but she wasn’t interested in me. Her mother, however, was interested in me.

GIVEN UP SO MUCH ALREADY IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

Two years ago I placed my second child for adoption. I was a single mom with a 3-year-old boy to raise and the father was in the military for an extended mission.

That had to be awfully frightening for your boy. At least you didn’t have the child butchered. Good for you for choosing adoption over abortion.

I am still in contact with the father. We speak often, comfort each other and just talk. Some people -- mainly men I have dated -- find this relationship disturbing. It has caused two relationships to end.

Abby, am I wrong to continue a friendship with the father of a child I gave up for adoption?

At first I was going to say, "Not if you plan on marrying him," but since it is obvious he's not the father of the child you kept and doesn't plan to be, your boy doesn't need to see this. On the other hand, since you do have a three year-old, you should not be doing anything with these guys except having light friendships, meeting up when your child is being watched by family to give you a break here and there. You should not be seriously dating. Your child needs your attention and energy.

Now, if you didn't have a child and you were out dating but keeping in contact with this other guy, you'd have to ask yourself – would you like it if a guy you were dating was still keeping in touch with a past sex partner?

BREADWINNER IN NEW YORK, N.Y. wrote:

I have been living with my boyfriend for three years.

Ugh. Shacking up.

We have often talked about a future together, complete with a house, kids, etc. I am the breadwinner while he is working hard to achieve success as an artist.

Oh boy. Most women deliberately marry men who earn more than they do. And you odds of having a long, lasting marriage were diminished by the shacking up.

The role reversal suits us just fine except for one thing. I would like to become engaged, but I feel I can't expect him to propose when I know he has very little money. Abby, should I propose to him?

Are you going to be happy okay if he never "makes it" – financially supporting him for the rest of your life? If so, then great. Why not just let him know you'd like to get married – to him – and that you don't need him to buy an expensive ring? Or, let him know if there is an heirloom ring that would work. If he doesn't take that hint and propose, then he doesn’t want to marry you.

Would any of you want a situation like this?

Chris Hegnes and a Cup of Coffee

I hope this story is true. A store manager fended off a masked intruder by throwing hot coffee in the intruder's face. Unfortunately, these days, the person defending property too often ends up being sued or fired.

One Man's Tale of a Bad Marriage

"J." wrote in to Dr. Laura, prompted by having read one of her books, and explained that he'd just had his 36th wedding anniversary and he told his wife on that day that he was filing for divorce. He'll likely be paying her for the rest of his life.

About ten years ago, I spent a lot of time on the computer trying to bring my income back up due to some industry changes that had gutted my annual income. I was successful in my effort but I had neglected my wife during that time and made her what she called a computer widow. This was about a two year period. I saw my mistake and transferred ownership of the website to a colleague and spent time trying to repair my mistake.

He recognized his mistake; his intentions were good, but his priorities were off - and decided to fix the situation.

My wife did not respond. She shut down and punished me for seven years. Seven years I tried and tried to get her into therapy, to read your books or anything that would break new ice queen persona. According to her she just closed up shop. I pleaded with her telling her a man can only go so long with no intimacy and I resisted every day the urge to respond to "offers" from women who had no problem with wanting to be intimate.

Most women do not grasp that the average man has to muster a lot more to repress his natural desire to respond to adulterous sexual invitation, especially if he's not getting enough lovin' from the wife, than the average woman has to muster to turn down such offers. In general, this is a huge natural difference between the sexes. There are many reasons why this is true – everything from the general nature of male sexuality to the fact that men, in general, want sex more than women, and the fact that women are accustomed to being pursued and rejecting offers, while men normally have to pursue a woman and win her over.

I told her one day I would likely not resist and to please respond. She refused. That day came and then she wanted to get help. It was too late. I had waited seven long years to get her to open up and it was too long. Sex was not the only area I lacked, it was a lack of intimacy that killed me. Finally, sex got down to three times in a year.

Three times a year. What a waste of life.

We are now headed for divorce and she has moved in with some really abusive and nutty guy and thinks he loves her.

Yeah, that sounds better.

I held off the divorce for almost three years so she could stay on my insurance and now I am getting bad mouthed for finally filing.

Looks like you're too much of a nice guy. Notice she went to an abuser. She's probably turned on by him and having sex with him often.

Finding A Needle in a Giant Haystack

I had a Sociology professor who, semi-joking, said that finding a good spouse isn't hard. She drew a circle on the board to represent the population. She cut it in half to represent the two sexes. Then she continued to divide the space by religion, socioeconomic background, and so forth. She pointed to the tiny sliver left and said, "Find someone in that sliver, and marry them." That's kind of what I'm doing in this entry.

When I was an unmarried man, just how many women were there with whom I had a real chance to have a happy, lasting marriage? This exercise can be adapted to anyone.

Let's break it down.

307,006,550 is the recent population level of the United States of America. It was probably a little less back when I got married, but it will do for this exercise. I know, I know – so many guys have sworn off American/Western women, but for me, a common background is beneficial.

154,000,000 - American females, if we take half of the population.

15,400,000 in a good age range for marriage to me.

3,850,000 would be broadly compatible in their religious beliefs, based on studies I have read.

1,283,334 are not overweight. I didn't want to marry someone who was overweight... or underweight for that matter. Are there great women who are overweight? Yes – there are plenty of them. But I didn't want to marry them. I'm not taking ten or fifteen pounds, here. (These factors are what was/is important to me, not necessarily other people.)

420,420 are college graduates – like I am.

84,084 I would find attractive enough physically, considering this is what I'm going to be looking at for the rest of my life. Most women are somewhat attractive to an average guy like me. But I'm talking wife.

16,816 of those, if I am going easy on myself, would find me physically attractive enough to date me in the first place.

5,605 would be politically compatible.

2,802 would come from intact families, which lowers the likelihood of divorce and cuts down on how many "in-laws" will be complicating life. I’m assuming that none of them would exclude me because parents divorced after I was out of the house.

These six remaining factors are all very fuzzy rough estimates:

925 Of those wouldn't be suffering some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or mental illness/disorder that I would find a deal-breaker.

231 would have personality compatibility.

153 wouldn't have serious physical problems I would consider dealbreakers.

51 would have financially compatible behaviors

25 would have compatible life/lifestyle goals

15 would be free of other red flags not already covered.

Now, out of that tiny group, how many of them would be available and want to marry me? I had to find someone in that tiny group. And I did.

It helps if you get involved in things that place you with like-minded people – religious groups/institutions, political organizations, charities, hobby clubs, alumni associations, etc.

Notice that other than physical attraction, I did not include sexual compatibility. That's because I now believe that sex is for marriage, so how are you going to know before marriage? My wife told me early on in our dating that she was a virgin and was going to stay one until her wedding day. We definitely crossed over appropriate boundaries before our wedding, but we did not have intercourse or a regular, bed-sharing sex life, so it was hardly an indicator of sexual compatibility. What interaction we did have seemed to indicate sexual compatibility (and we do enjoy each other, thankfully), but some things changed once we married. Actually, to be honest and blunt, she stopped doing something I very much enjoyed. I haven't stopped doing anything she enjoyed, nor have I ever turned down a request of hers.

Like I said, the factors in this exercise are things important to me. Maybe they wouldn't be important to you. It is possible for people to be happily married to a foreigner of a different religion, for example, or someone who is significantly younger or older. But when someone is happy in an "interfaith" marriage, that person would likely not have been happily married to me, nor I to them – because my religious beliefs/practice are important to me and have much influence over how I live my life. So, they have to have in common that it doesn't matter that they are of different faiths.

Some people say lists of what you need in a spouse don’t work. It has worked for me so far. Coming up with something like this, especially when one is completely unattached and thus not compromising for the sake of a current infatuation, will allow someone to determine much more easily if someone is incompatible with them. It hinges on them knowing themselves well enough and only listing factors and a range within those factors that are truly important to them. Someone can list other, less important factors under "would be nice" to also aid in their search. For example – it would be nice if she shared my enthusiasm for pigeons (I made that one up).

If you are looking for a needle, then you keep going until you find a needle. Once you have found one, you'll know it. If you're not sure what you're looking for, however, then you're likely to make a mess and be frustrated.

I do not believe there is a guarantee that there is someone who would be a right spouse for every person. It is possible that what someone needs in someone else in order to transition from unmarried to married (or their own baggage) ends up excluding everyone who is available or makes the person unlikely candidate for a lasting, happy marriage.

Men Are Visual Creatures

Talk radio host, columnist, author, lecturer, and teacher Dennis Prager devotes a whole hour of his show every week to "male/female" issues, and he frequently tries to explain male sexuality to women. On his website, you'll find Prager University, featuring short videos. Here is some transcript text from one titled "Men and the Power of the Visual".

The visual for the man has no analog in the woman. That doesn't mean women don't get turned on by some men, of course they do, but it’s some men. Whereas men get turned on by just any sight of female flesh on any female that they will find attractive.

And...

And just in case you think that this is because our society fosters it, or it's a Playboy culture, gay men are the proof: gay men look at male bodies and parts of bodies just the way that heterosexual men look at female bodies and parts of bodies. That’s the proof that's it's built into males. That whatever is the object of our desire – male or female – just seeing is stimulating.

He speaks the truth.

Wives can use this information both to reassure themselves and to their advantage.

Wives should be reassured if they catch their main taking a second look or staring at the image of a woman or a woman in person. Yes, he likes what he sees, but this is normal. He's not thinking, "I want to leave my wife for her, or at least cheat on my wife with her." This is not to excuse a husband of being mindful of where he's choosing to look, nor of his obligation to honor his wife. But a wife should be reassured that this is a normal male tendency.

Wives should use this to their advantage in many ways. Here's just one of them. We all have a tendency to become familiar with what and who we see every day, from our living room furniture to our family members. Our brains know what the familiar looks like, and so we stop paying such close attention (just compare driving somewhere new vs. driving your daily route and daydreaming but still getting there safely). As such, your husband may be so caught up in his job and being a daddy and doing chores and honey-dos and his favorite show or hobbies that he's lately neglected to stop and really take a look at you. I mean really take a good look at you. So, do something about it. Make some private time together with him so that he'll actually be able to take a good look at you. It can be in the shower, it can be in bed, it can be with candlelight or by a fire or a lamp - just make sure he can get a goog look at you. Use lingerie or body paint to get him to really focus on you or a specific part of you (could even be your eyes, especially if you're good at flirting with them). Tell him you want him to take a good look, and give him time to do so. You might feel a little shy or silly, but he’ll enjoy it. And... he'll seek to thank you.

He Was Teaching More Than English

Shelby Grad reports on LATimes.com that an American man accused of being a "sex tourist" in Cambodia is heading to trial.

Michael James Dodd, 59, was brought from Cambodia to Los Angeles in February. If convicted, he could face up to 30 years in federal prison.

While I want to see child abusers imprisoned, what other crimes do people get tried for here in the states if they commit them elsewhere? I know if two Americans are abroad and one kills the other (or one disappears), the FBI will get involved. And leaders of foreign nations have been convicted in American courts for crimes they directed from their home country. But if someone were to, say, go to Brazil and rob a bank there, and then come back to the states, would the authorities here try that person here? The crimes in cases like this often have to do with travelling abroad to commit these crimes. Does intent have to be shown? I mean, does he get off the hook if he really did go there for business and then, once there, decided to indulge in his perverse desires?

Dodd taught English in Cambodia, had sex with a 14-year-old girl and was seen with her on several occasions in the Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh, according to an affidavit for arrest filed in federal court.

Gross. He should have learned to make movies and gone to live in France.

In 2002, Dodd pleaded guilty in Saipan to five counts of sexual abuse of a child after he was accused of inappropriately touching 13 female students at an elementary school where he taught, an FBI agent said in the affidavit. Dodd served time in prison and was placed on probation for 15 years.

It's only 2010, so he didn't spend much time in prison, did he? Elementary school girls. Ick. Fourteen year-olds are attracted to each other. Elementary school kids get crushes on 14-year-olds. But the only people attracted to elementary school kids are pedophiles.

He also faces criminal charges in Cambodia.

Yeah, but if they don't want to lock him up for very long, let's keep him locked up for a long time here.

When Grampa Avoids Being a Husband

Does anyone identify with this one? CONNOR'S G-MA IN VIRGINIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

Our daughter gave birth to an adorable little boy three years ago.

Great!

We love "Connor" dearly, but my husband is obsessed with him. He wants our grandson at our house every weekend from the time we are done working on Friday until Sunday evening or Monday morning.

My husband wants to take Connor everywhere we go.

You didn't mention a son. You mention "chidren" in the letter, but perhaps you meant "daughters"? If you didn't havea son, it is entirely possible that your husband regrets not having one, and so he treats his grandson like a son. Being a parent of children of both sexes, there is a difference. A daughter is not loved any less by a father, but the father is going to have different kind of bond with a son. You also didn't mention a son-in-law. If there is no steady father in Connor's life, his grandfather might be trying to be that role model.

Abby, I love my grandson, but after raising our own children, I'd now like to focus on our lives and maybe have time for myself.

That brings me to the other possibility here. Your husband doesn't want to spend a lot of time alone with you. Did you have much time together when you married before having your daughter? Has career kept him occupied most of this time? Sometimes, people get to this point in life - after the excitement of dating, a rush to get married becaue of a pregnancy, and the consuming routing of rasing children - and realize that they don't (or no longer) feel like they have common interests with their partners, or don't want to rely on their partner to fill their days. It could be no fault of your own, other than not ensuring you regularly had time alone together over the years. Or, if you've been difficult, he may not want to suffer you.

Most men, even at that age, want more time alone with their partner-in-lovemaking. Does he have health problems that inhibit sexual function? Does he have an unenthusiastic partner?

Dear Abby wrote:

You deserve time for yourself, so TAKE it. If your husband won't cooperate, schedule activities with some of your women friends. Do not allow yourself to be bullied into being an unwilling baby sitter because it isn't healthy for any of you.

I agree completely, but that only deals with part of the problem. It doesn't solve the aspect of what to do when she wants time alone with her husband.

What's your take?

He Served 27 Years For a Rape He Didn't Commit

Michael Anthony Green was eighteen when he ended up in custody for a rape he didn't commit. It took 27 years before he was freed from Harris County Jail in Texas. Associated Press writer Juan A. Lozano had the story.

Green, 44, was released after the Harris County District Attorney's Office reopened his case and new DNA tests it commissioned showed he did not commit the 1983 rape of a woman who had been abducted. During a court hearing Friday, a judge ordered that Green be released on a $500 bond, allowing him to be free while the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals makes a final ruling on his innocence.

Unlike the last story I mentioned, the woman in this case was actually raped.

In 1983, four men abducted a woman from a pay telephone in north Houston, taking her to a remote location where three of them raped her. The men drove off, leaving the woman there, and were later chased by police. The men abandoned their car and fled on foot. Green was detained by officers that night as he walked in the area.

The victim could not identify Green in person when he was first detained but later picked him from a photo lineup as one of her attackers. Green was convicted of aggravated sexual assault and sentenced to 75 years in prison. He was the only person convicted in the case.

I would hope the other guys were picked up for other crimes or received justice in some other form. However...

Authorities were able to identify the four men who abducted the women. But because the statute of limitations on the rape has run out, they cannot be prosecuted.

That sucks. However, guys like that don't just commit crime once. If they aren't currently serving time, there has to be something more recent for which they can be busted. Also, I wonder if the woman can still sue them in a civil trial?

Although the article doesn't mention it, you can count on Green suing and getting at least seven figures in a settlement.