Family Drama For Christmas

How was your Christmas? What are your plans for New Years or, if you're reading this later, what did you do?

Our Christmas was generally good, spent with most of our immediate family on both sides.

The current plan for New Year's Eve is to go over to the home of my in-laws, which is in the same city. We got that call inviting us over yesterday. This is significant because we still haven’t exchanged Christmas presents. The reason we haven't is the same reason we can't ever count on my in-laws to watch our kids.

Christmas morning, my wife woke up before the kids and before me, despite having been up late getting things ready and not getting enough sleep. The plan was to go over to the in-laws' house after the kids opened their presents to have brunch and exchange gifts with my wife's parents and siblings. However, one of her sisters called to let her know that the Christmas Eve dinner over there (which everyone knew we were going to miss because we were with my family of origin) didn't go well. So we invited everyone over to our place, at least those who were sober and not getting belligerent on the phone.

As the story goes, everyone except us was over at the in-law house for Christmas Eve dinner and family time. My married sister-in-law and her husband had called it a night and took their kid with them, as they could see the drinking was getting out of hand again. That left behind my wife's parents, the brother who lives there, and the brother and sister who are joined at the hip and live together about an hour or more away. These last two were planning on spending the night there.

MIL wanted to play table games. The visiting brother and sister agreed to play games (instead of calling it a night) on the condition that there be no further drinking that evening. FIL, MIL, and the resident BIL objected. The drunken BIL got nasty with his language towards his sister, nearly resulting in a fight between him and his brother. The visiting brother and sister left instead of spending the night and crashed at the home of the sister who had already left. My melodramatic, drunk in-laws reset the locks on the house to make sure those who had left could not get back in.

The next morning (Christmas), they were still drinking.

So we didn’t go over there.

I'm still coming to grips with this alcoholism dynamic. My dad would drink wine after work every night... no problem. My older sister had her wild phase, but clearly wasn't an addict. And unlike how it often gets portrayed in media, there can be long stretches where drinking isn't a problem during our visits. But clearly it IS a problem. Sometimes it ruins a normal night. Sometimes it ruins holidays and special events.

I made sure to thank my dad the other day for being a responsible drinker rather than a drunk. My mother rarely drinks.

Another Letter Published

Another letter of mine was published today on DrLaura.com. The text of the letter is no surprise to anyone who has been reading this blog for a while.

Daughters Need Their Fathers

GIRL IN NEED IN BALTIMORE wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have a big problem. My father refuses to spend time with me. He is a firefighter and says he has a busy schedule. I understand that. But when he has extra time, he will find anything else to do. I tried talking to him -- it was like talking to a brick wall.

She's right. This is a problem. A girl's relationship with her father is very important. We aren't told her age. She doesn't indicate the relationship was ever different. But if it was, and if she's entered puberty, it could be her father not knowing how to handle that. I was reading recently that some fathers will stop hugging their daughters or start to avoid them when puberty hits, because the fathers are uncomfortable with the fact that their daughter is starting to look and feel like a the very kind of thing that turns a man on – a grown woman. Throw in that there are some corners of society where every grown man, and especially a father, is considered a possible predator of girls, and you have a recipe for distance.

On the other hand, the guy could be an all-around self-centered jerk.

My mom has comforted me a lot, but I feel there is something missing in my life.

Your mom needs to step up. First of all, if she did marry a self-centered jerk, she needs to admit it and apologize to you, and find you some strong, positive male role models, like a coach. If this is a matter of discomfort with his girl growing up, she needs to ask herself if she has contributed to that. Has the husband/father been made aware of some father-daughter problem in mom's family, and he is overcompensating for that by trying to avoid contact? If this is a matter of dad being uncomfortable, mom needs to tell him how badly his daughter needs his attention, and how it is okay to hug his daughter and spend time with her and how to actively listen in a way his daughter will know he's listening.

What you could also have here is a guy who didn't want a daughter. Or maybe he didn't want kids at all. It is possible the mother knew that before she ever got pregnant.

I wanted kids, including a daughter. Still, I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't have remained childless and perhaps even unmarried, because so much of what I like to do is solitary. I like reading, I like writing, I like watching movies and television that might not be good for minors to watch. But I know my kids need me. So some things I like to do have to be put on hold or missed entirely beause I need to be there for them. And even though I do recognize this, I still feel like I'm falling short.

Just the other day, I got back in touch with a friend of mine I wrote about in this previous entry. He's still with his girlfriend. He told me that his daughter "understands" that he sent more cash for Christmas presents rather than visiting her in person. I'm sure he daughter would rather see him. She probably also "understands" that the girlfriend was a recipient of his Christmas generosity, So really, he could have visited his daughter if he wasn't spending money he barely haves on a woman young enough to be his daughter.

I haven't seen him since he returned to town. It isn't going to be very comfortable if my wife and I bump into him, especially if his girlfriend is with him.

Another Wife Who Wants it More

What is going on with all of these neglected wives? SUSPICIOUS IN FLORIDA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm pretty sure my husband is addicted to adult porn movies.

I agree with Dr. Laura that people misuse the word "addicted" in cases like this – most of the time. Anyone can get "addicted" to anything that feels good. I could claim an addiction to peppers.

We have several pornographic DVDs in the house and I can tell when they have been moved.

I have many DVDs, none of them pornographic, and they get moved around all of the time without being watched.

He denies he's watching them, so confronting him again will only make him more angry and possibly push him "underground."

Uh, so having them in the house isn’t the problem, but watching them is a problem? It's already an "underground" situation, isn't it? Sounds like there is a lack of communication going on here.

Our sex life, which used to be grand, has become almost non-existent.

Correlation does not prove causation, or even a connection. Now, perhaps what you're thinking is true – that he watches the DVDs, masturbates, and as a result of that, has no interest in making love with you. It could also be that because he is unhappy with your sex life (see this quiz), he watches these DVDs. Or, the two could have nothing to do with each other, though that possibility is slim.

Have you tried initiating? I know most women like their husbands to initiate and some women want him to initiate all of the time, but think about it from his perspective – nobody likes to be rejected, and if you have rebuffed him from time to time, that may have gotten to him. Perhaps he got the impression (mistaken, from what you say) that you weren't enjoying yourself much and he felt like you were only accommodating him out of a sense of obligation. That becomes a turn-off to some men. If a man risks rejection from his own wife, and then when he isn't rejected he gets the feeling that she is doing it as a "mercy session", and she offers little assistance to his desire to bring pleasure to her (so that he feels like failure), he may feel like what is going on is pretty much glorified masturbation, so why not save his wife the trouble and not bother her at all? I'm not saying that's what IS going on in this case – it is just one possibility. We don't know his side of the story.

Do you have any suggestions?

Yes. Complain to all of your family, friends, in-laws, and fellow church congregants about this. No, wait, that's not right. I take it you want suggestions about how to have your sex life restored? You said it used to be "grand". Think really hard about when that changed and if you can think of why, based on the timing. If the only change you can think of is the DVDs coming into the home, then it might be those. But be brutally honest with yourself. You were obviously enjoying your lovemaking, but was he? Were there things he tried to do, or requests that he made that you shot down? Did he approach you at certain times of the day, only to be rebuffed? Have you gained a significant amount of fat? Did you cut your hair?

If you can honestly rule out anything you have done (or not done, even though he wanted it), then the problem is entirely his responsibility. If you chose your husband wisely, then you should be able to get him to go to counseling by appealing to his love for you and sense of obligation as a husband.

Dear Abby responded:

Rather than accuse your husband of being a porn addict, start a discussion about what has happened to your sex life.

Hey, there's an idea.

He may need to be examined by his doctor to determine if his problem could be physical.

That's another good idea.

If that isn't the case, then marriage counseling with a licensed therapist might help.

She's batting 1000 so far.

However, it doesn't seem likely to me that a man who views only "several" adult DVDs is a porn addict. Porn addicts are usually glued to their computers at every available spare moment.

Perfect batting average. Good for Dear Abby.

Now, I know in conservative church circles these days, we're all supposed to foam at the mouth and warn her that her husband is about to beat, rape, and murder her and just about every other person on the planet because he's watching those DVDs, and that he needs to go to a treatment facility, possibly undergo an exorcism, and then beg you to take him back under the condition that he give up all electronics for the rest of his life and be followed around by an accountability partner. But I really don't see why what he's doing is any worse than a wife reading romance novels or watching soaps or romantic comedies that give an incomplete or false portrayal of certain aspects of life or cause her to covet. It is just that what he's doing has gotten more attention because it is easier to beat up on what is seen as a male problem.

As for me, I'd be happy to find some evidence (like DVDs) that my wife actually does have a libido right now. There are times these days that I have to plead with her to let me bring her to orgasm once a week. She doesn't want any more than that right now. She'd taped some stuff off of cable that she'd use from time to time before we married. She told me this after we married, and told me she'd erased the tape. We do not own any "adult" DVDs, but we have watched some soft-core stuff before on cable together - twice, I think, and have read/seen some stuff online apart from each other. I'm not justifying any of this, just being real. The bottom line is that I know from experience that husbands like me will not put time and effort into watching such stuff behind out wife's back if we're making love with our wife every time we want. This is not to say that a sexy picture won't catch our eye, because it likely will anyway. But the motivation to masturbate isn't there.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas, everyone. Thanks for reading this blog and for all of your feedback. I pray that you are having a great and meaningful Christmas. Don't spend too much time online, especially if you could be spending that time with framily and friends during this special time of year.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow II

The Best of Dr. Laura is airing, since Dr. Laura, like a lot of other radio hosts, is on vacation for the holidays. On Monday, in the third hour, about 20 minutes into the podcast, a woman called in to say her husband had stopped initiating sex with her a few weeks back and when asked why, he told her that he was turned off because she had her hair redone.

Dr. Laura blamed the man and called him unloving, citing another husband who was caring for his wife as she was losing her hair due to chemotherapy.

But this is likely apples and oranges. Now, I think Dr. Laura gets it right so often, and all you have to do is check out other things I’ve written here about her to know I’m no Dr. Laura hater. But sometimes, I disagree.

Losing your hair because you are being medically treated to save your life is not the same thing as deciding to go against your husband's desires and intentionally, unnecessarily change one of the things that attracted him to you. In doing so, the wife was telling her husband she didn't care what he wants.

Maybe Dr. Laura knew more about the situation than made it to the air during the call (due to screening), but the information that went out over the air was not enough to definitively decide if this was a case of a husband who is a jerk or has a problematic fixation or need for too much control – or if it was a matter of a wife choosing to make herself less attractive to her husband.

I've known women who have kept their hair long all through dating, and then immediately after marrying, they chop it off and start to butch up. I know at least one who did it literally the next day after the wedding. My wife pointed it out to me. You know what message that sends to a husband and other men? "I care about getting a man to sign on the dotted line. After that, I’m not going to care." An attitude like that is what is the big turn-off, not necessarily the actual hair style.

This is not to deny that there are men who would welcome the new hairstyle or even requested it. There are also men who don't care either way. But most men do have a preference and for most men, it was part of what attracted him to his wife in the first place. If a husband has a preference, it should be honored (as should his wife's preferences about his facial hair). Dr. Laura has told women who've called in wanting to cut their hair short over the objection of a husband not to do it. But in this case, the damage was already done.

Ah ha! I suspected I had previously written something like this before. I searched and found a posting with the same title.

Daycare Operator Arrested For Impersonation

Allegedly, 34-year-old Chelsea Nichole McClelland was doing bad things with someone else who was entrusted to her care – kind of like an impersonation of Mary Kay Letourneau. Andrew Blankstein reports at LATimes.com.

A South Los Angeles day-care center operator has been arrested on suspicion of lewd acts with her godson after she was allegedly caught having sex with the 13-year-old in a van, Los Angeles police said Monday.

What does she charge for daycare, though?

McClelland, who was arrested on suspicion of multiple instances of lewd acts with a child, is being held in lieu of $400,000 bail at the Van Nuys jail. McClelland could not be reached for comment, and there was no answer at the number listed for the day-care center.

What, none of the other highly qualified staff will answer the phone?

Last week, Mid-City residents reported seeing a white van repeatedly parked in the neighorhood. Police responded Friday and discovered the boy inside the vehicle. The boy initially told them he was 18, but after being interviewed by LAPD sex crimes detectives, he acknowledged that he was 13.

Yeah, good try.

Police said they believe some of the illegal contact took place when the victim was 12.

But maybe he looked 13. "You don't understand, officer! He's so mature. He's really good at the Wii."

McClelland has three biological children and is the legal guardian of a fourth. At the time of her arrest, she was caring for eight children at her day-care center.

Hey, maybe they can make a TV movie about her, too, and there can be all those news magazine television shows that interview them when she gets out of prison and they reunite and marry.

Now, to be fair, there are some great people out there who operate day orphanages. But even the best ones can't replace a parent.

Do you think she'll lose her godmother status?

UPDATED

Boyfriends are Not Husbands

Although husbands can act like boyfriends in certain nice ways. UNSURE IN THE MIDWEST wrote in to Dear Abby:

My boyfriend and I have reached an impasse. He says that breakfast, brunch or lunch is an acceptable time to spend with my girlfriends, but dinner is "family time" and should be spent at home with him.

Since he is your boyfriend, he's not family. But it sounds like you are shacking up, and he is asking you to act like family even though you aren't.

He also says that girlfriends who spend a weekend away together are "up to no good." I see no problem with it.

It is no problem as long as you are unmarried and not engaged. Ask him what he would expect of his wife. If he insists that this wife will be spending most dinners at home, and no weekends with the girlfriends, and that's not the way you want to live, don't marry him. If you don’t want to date under these conditions, dump him. There are men who won't mind a wife being away with the girlfriends on weekends or somewhere else for dinner. But would you want to be married to any of them?

Dear Abby's response:

Your boyfriend appears to be insecure, controlling and have a dim view of women. If you're smart, you will find someone who is less easily threatened by female bonding and let this one go.

Hmmmm, I agree in that he's only a boyfriend. Then again, if they are shacking up and he's paying her bills, then he expects her time in return. If she doesn't like that kind of a "controlling" boyfriend then she can pay her own bills. But what about if they were married? If he would never want his wife away with her friends for a weekend, that would be a problem, but wanting her with him most weekends and for dinner isn't. How controlling can be he if he says it is fine for her to be elsewhere for breakfast and lunch? I also wonder if Dear Abby would say the same thing to a man whose girlfriend wanted him to be with her for dinner every night and didn't want him away with his buddies on weekends?

Another Sexless Marriage

Again it is a husband neglecting his wife. WANTING MORE IN THE SOUTH wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband of one year (at the time) was considered by everyone to be the most caring, good husband. But he never wanted to have relations with me.

Unacceptable. Divorce time. It shouldn't have taken a year to decide that. If all he wants to be a is a friend, then you shouldn't be married.

After several months of investigation, I learned he had been seeing prostitutes.

Female prostitutes?

He even admitted to me that when he did have sex with me he was thinking of them.

Wait, so you were having relations. Sounds like he has a fetish. Or, that you're really lousy in bed. It's probably the former. Solution: Make him pay you. If you earn less than he does and you're in a community property state, he's paying you anyway. So why not accept payments in cash conveniently timed with your marital lovemaking? I'm mostly kidding.

Fast-forward: I forgave him; we went to counseling.

Oh yeah, that will solve everything.

Abby, he still never wants to have sex with me! When we do, it's because I initiate it. My self-confidence is shot. He says he "doesn't have a sex drive," so I can either accept him for all the positives -- of which there are many -- and not have a sex life, or not.

Is there anything he’s done with the prostitutes that you will not do? As wrong as it is for him to go to prostitutes, that might be why he is. He should be able to ask you for what he needs, and you should be able to give it to him. Otherwise, you're not a match. That might not be your fault at all. It could be a fetish on his part.

I have considered fulfilling my needs outside the marriage, and giving him the green light to do the same, but he's against it.

He's breaking his vows, Why be married if you are at that point? Are you that dependent?

Here's a tip. If you buy a car, and you are never able to get it running, send it back to the dealer instead of taking it to the mechanic. Don't keep making payments and taking the bus.

Did She Prefer a Hostage?

A guy decided he'd rather not get married to a certain woman rather than end up being divorced from her. She responds by suing, giving us a clearer picture of why he called off the wedding in the first place. Susanna Kim has the ABC News story.

In a suburb of Chicago, fury has overtaken a jilted bride who is suing her former fiancé for the wedding costs. Dominique Buttitta, dumped four days before the wedding was to take place, is seeking damages of $95,942 from Vito Salerno to cover wedding expenses and the cost of the lawsuit.

That could be an excellent deal for him in the long run. Actually getting married and then divorced could have easily been much more expensive.

Buttitta and Salerno began dating in March 2007, were engaged in December 2007 and the wedding was set for October 2 of this year in Barrington, Illinois.

There's something wrong when the dating period is nine months long but the engagement is almost three years.

The suit's itemized list of expenses included over $30,000 for the banquet hall, $11,000 on lighting and flowers, $10,000 for an orchestra, $7,550 for a photographer, $5,000 for a wedding dress and accessories, and $1,700 for wedding favors. The expenses include other non-refundable purchases, including a bridesmaid luncheon, bridal shower and a deposit for a wedding planner.

And whose idea were most of these expenses? $30,000 for the banquet hall? I'm sure they could have found a great place for a lot less. The facility should already have lighting, and flowers wither in days. Who needs an orchestra? Photographers overcharge for weddings. $5,000 for a dress that will be worn once? I know for a fact that you can get beautiful dresses for under $1,000.

The suit also claims that one month before the wedding date, the groom attended a bachelor party at an adult entertainment business called the Pink Monkey. He allegedly engaged in lewd acts, including lap dances with strippers, of which the bride was unaware.

If that is actionable, then there are a lot of wives who are in big trouble!

Some states, including Illinois and Georgia, have "breach of promise" to marry laws.

I actually think such laws can be a good thing, but only as part of a comprehensive set of laws that would punish people for breaking their marital vows, which include much more than promising not to have sex with other people. Breach of promise usually means "I only had sex with you because you promised me marriage." Is she claiming that?

This is not the first time a heartbroken bride sued her former groom. In July 2008, a jury in Georgia ordered Wayne Gibbs to pay RoseMary Shell $150,000 for breaking off their engagement three days before their wedding.

So, guys, the earlier you DTB (dump the bride), the better. However, it isn't too late until the marriage license is signed and filed. You can even go through a ceremony and still not have the marriage legally validated.

What's the alternative, really? A guy should go ahead and get married to as to not ruin her special day, then get divorced later? Shouldn't she have to demonstrate that he knew many months prior that he wasn't going to marry her, but that he deliberately kept the wedding planning going in order to upset her?

I think the wedding budget and expenses should be part of a comprehensive pre-nuptial agreement that is finalized and in effect before a wedding date is set. Terms should include who will pay what under what circumstances.

NOW vs. Hooters

NOW, the National Organization for (a certain kind of) Women, better known as NAG, is trying to remind people they exist. They're going after Hooters, and the basis of their attack is laughable. Michael Mello of the Orange County Register has the story.

A well-known feminist organization has filed a complaint with Orange County officials, alleging two local Hooters restaurants exposed children to sexual entertainment.

On Thursday, the California chapter of the National Organization for Women sent a letter to District Attorney Tony Rackauckas saying Hooters restaurants don't comply with state and local laws that regulate sexual entertainment. NOW said Hooters should have an age requirement, much the same way strip clubs can only legally admit patrons 18 and older.

I'm sorry, but an organization that does everything it can to make sure that thirteen-year-old girls can have sex, contraception, and abortions without their parents even knowing is in no position to talk about this.

What about the choices and the rights of Hooters girls?

Hooters says it has 455 restaurants in 44 states in the U.S. and 28 countries worldwide. The company's website also says a third of its managers and corporate staff are women.

I wonder how many are members of NAG?

The letter specifies the Hooters locations in Anaheim and Costa Mesa. It omitted the newest Orange County location, in Lake Forest.

That's because one of the NOW's local members volunteered to visit the restaurants herself, and only went to the Anaheim and Costa Mesa locations.

What, did the women working at the restaurants not flirt enough with her?

"Members physically went and brought their children to see the children to see the children's menu and the items sold," said Patricia Bellasalma, president of NOW's California chapter. "They took them to see whether they would serve them."

Bellasalma said the group targeted Hooters restaurants because they offer "sexual entertainment," but choose to have locations near popular tourist spots or in shopping malls.

"Sexual entertainment" of this sort is a problem for NAG because it is largely heterosexual and enjoyed by men. It is interesting that shorts and tank tops = "sexual entertainment". Maybe it is the shaved legs, too.

NOW plans to ask state Attorney General Jerry Brown to conduct his own investigation.

Can I conduct one?

NAG doesn't want men having fun. It is that simple. But Hooters is so tame that this is ridiculous. Perhaps this is a trial balloon for NAG before moving on to other entertainment? Or, maybe it is just a cry for attention by a bunch of bitter women who are jealous of women who can make a living for a while on their looks and personalities. But the way, I've been to Hooters exactly once in my life.

It's Okay to Date More Than One

Where did this idea come from that dating relationships need to go exclusive? It is an idea I had when I was coming of age, and into my mid-20s, despite my own mother saying that unless someone was engaged to be married, they were free to date others. And she wasn't sleeping around; she was a virgin when she married my father. Of course, I was happy to have any dates when I was a teen; I didn't have the the "problem" of having to choose.

But really, there should be no expectation that a dating relationship is exclusive unless that has been discussed and there was mutual agreement that it would be. I would only advise agreeing to that if engagement is pending.

NOT PLAYING FOR KEEPS wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have been divorced for almost a year and am the mother of two daughters.

I would be interested to know how this all happened. Are the daughters from her husband? If so, why did she make two babies with the wrong man, or why did she treat a good man poorly?

I am dating two very nice men, and I have been open and honest with both of them about not wanting a serious relationship right now. They both understand. The problem is my sister seems to feel that I need to make a commitment to one of them because if I don't, I will be viewed as a "player."

Your sister is wrong. Your top priority should be raising your daughters, who have a broken home. When and if you can squeeze is recreational time for yourself (perhaps while your daughters are with their father), you can date, but I would not expose your daughters to these men. Keeping it casual is best, as long as you understand that they can and will be dating others. There's no reason to get serious with either one, at least not until your children are grown.

However, if I was talking to those guys, I would point out to them all of the reasons they should not be dating a mother of minor children.

Basic Advice to a Newlywed Bride

A woman I met through work and befriended recently got married. We don't work together anymore, and I don’t see her in person often, so I wrote her some advice. This is, with slight editing, what I sent her.

If you picked a husband well, and from what I can tell you did, keeping your husband happy and thus your marriage together and good is simple, because men are simple creatures. Simple does not always mean easy. But at least it means "not complicated".

What wives generally need the most is love. What husbands generally need the most is respect.

Something else to keep in mind... think of you wearing pink ears and pink glasses, and him wearing blue ears and blue glasses. You literally see and hear things differently than each other. That will explain a lot of disagreements.

Turn TO each other, not ON each other. This is the family you have made.

Fourteen words that will help…

In Shape
Nice Picture
Sex Anytime
Girlfriend Talk
Guy Time
Alone Time
Strong Man

If you keep those fourteen words in mind, and the meaning behind them, you will be a magnet that keeps your hubby attached and nobody will be able to pry him away with a crowbar.

In Shape. You don't have much trouble with this one. Yeah, we all get old and that is unavoidable, and there will be seasons during which, for whatever reason, you won't be looking your best. But a reasonable effort to keep yourself in shape will mean so much to him. Men are visual creatures. We appreciate the way our woman looks. Think of all of the advertising that uses female skin to sell. Not much advertising uses male skin to sell. Why? The sight of female skin has a special effect on heterosexual men.

Nice Picture. This has more to do with how he best likes you, as far as hair style, hair length, etc. See above. In fairness, he should keep his facial hair conditions a way that you like.

Sex Anytime. Dennis Prager, who has written a lot about male sexual nature and gender relations, says that if women could feel what it is like to be a man for a day, they would wonder that any man ever stays faithful. Most women need some sort of emotional connection for sex. Men don't. Yes, it is more enjoyable with a woman we love, but we don't need to have any emotional connection whatsoever – that is how much we are physically set up to want sex. Sex is one of the basic ways we bond with our wife, learn about our wife, communicate with our wife, show love for our wife. There will be times you won't feel like it. Do it – do something – anyway. You just might get into it despite your earlier feelings. Never pass up the chance to have a good orgasm with your husband. Attitude, especially enthusiasm, are important. Also, if he's hurting, depressed, worried… just holding his head in your lap with your hands rubbing his skin can do wonders.

Girlfriend Talk. He's not one of your girlfriends. Before you start telling him about a problem, tell him if you just need a listening ear or if you want him to offer a solution. Men are wired to offer a solution, so we need to be told if you just want to vent. We will listen to you vent if that is what you need, but if you are going to vent over and over about the same problem that you're not going to/can't do anything about, and he can't do anything about it, it is better to save that for one of your girlfriends, or you will drive him crazy. Also, don't expect him to always have something to say. It doesn't mean anything is wrong.

Guy Time. Most men need time with the guys. Today, there are very few places left for guys to get together and just be guys without women they want approval from/cooperation with staring at them. If he needs guy time, let him have it without punishing him for it. It doesn't mean he doesn’t enjoy being with you.

Alone Time. Some guys need it. See above.

Strong Man. Yes, you're able to take care of yourself. But men have a need to be admired and needed. We want to be our wife's protector and hero. So let him do some things, like opening doors, reaching high places, opening jars, etc. It may sound silly, but it will make him feel so good if you say things like, "Honey, I need a big, strong man to carry this for me." Let him do certain things for you. In turn, you can do certain things for him that he could do for himself, like fix him a sandwhich when he's doing some chores.

That's the most basic advice I can give for having a happy husband.

Her Mother Wants a Piece of Him

I can't believe he's even considering this. DOESN'T LIKE PAIN wrote in to Dear Abby:

My girlfriend is Jewish; I am not.

You need to define what that means. Is she religiously Jewish (observant), and if so, which branch? Or is she Jewish mostly because she was born to a Jewish mother?

Her mother recently found out that I am not circumcised.

And how did she find that out? She knows you're not Jewish, right?

She has been putting pressure on me to get "snipped."

But not convert? She doesn't get a say. Tell her to keep her hands off of your penis. Uh, unless you're having too much fun. Tell her while you're eating shrimp wrapped in bacon, which I was actually served at a reception after a bar mitzvah. By the way, does she keep kosher?

I am not sure what I should do.

If you're afraid of catching HIV, then maybe you should get circumcised. Otherwise, don't. If your girlfriend wants a boyfriend or husband who has a mushroom rather than an anteater, then she can find one.

One of my girlfriends came from a Jewish family that wasn't religious at all. They had some culturally Jewish activities, though, and my girlfriend had become more religious while in college. She still wasn't very religious – she didn't keep kosher, attended church with me more than she ever went to Jewish services, but did observe some holidays. There are a lot of Jewish traditions I like, but I was not about to give up my belief in a certain Jewish carpenter being my risen Lord and Savior, even though I certainly wasn't living out that belief when it came to sex. That was our central impasse. She believed she could marry me, but I didn't think she'd end up being happy and I didn't think I could marry her. I guess I was kind of hoping she'd change, which was stupid on my part.

Her parents were good to me, but I heard second-hand that her mother really wanted her to marry a Jewish man. That is understandable. I was circumcised, and her parents knew that their daughter knew first-hand, so to speak, whether I was or wasn't. so that was never a topic. But I never did get an answer out of my girlfriend or her mother why they maintained someone couldn't be a Jew and believe in Jesus. I mean, Jesus was/is a Jew and so were so many of the founding disciples. Did they suddenly stop being Jewish?

Build a Life Before Making More Life

Most of us no longer live our entire lives on a small family farm, or in the family shop. It is a different matter now to build a nest to raise a family. ANONYMOUS MOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a young mother in my early 20s with two young children and another on the way.

LDS in an LDS community? Otherwise this usually doesn't go so well.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for three years. We have been together since we were young teenagers.

Hmmm.

Both of us come from single-parent families, and our marriage has been less than perfect.

Well, yeah, the odds of marital survival are slim. My guess is you're not LDS. (I'm not, either.)

I work a full-time swing shift.

With what time?

My husband works only a part-time swing shift job.

Ah. Well, if he changed his shift, he could be there more for the kids.

I have asked him to take on another part-time job so we can be more comfortable financially, but he refuses.

Good thinking on your part. Let's make sure your kids never see either of you. Why don't you change your lifestyle so that you can get by on one full-time job? It is because you were both so busy making babies that you (plural) didn't get educated/trained for a career?

He says if I want more money in the household, I will have to get a second job.

Sounds reasonable to me. Look at that! He's bought into the feminist idea of "respecting" you as a career woman.

If it wasn't for our families' free baby-sitting, I don't know how we could afford child care.

So you're letting your parents/siblings raise your kids?

We have no money in the bank, and we are deep in debt.

Yeah, that tends to happen when you get married so young to your high school sweetheart and make three babies.

I feel overwhelmed with too much responsibility and don't know what to do about it.

Change your life around so that you can get by with one person going out of the home to earn the income. The other person can work from home. Other than that, you're pretty much stuck and you can be a good warning to others.

Dear Abby responded:

Start by telling your husband that with a third child on the way, you are in no position to take on another job -- but he is.

So Dear Abby isn't into gender equality?

If he refuses -- and he very well may -- then you will need to think seriously about your and your children's future, and to what degree it includes him.

Oh yeah, because divorce would do such great things for her finances and the kids.

This is who she chose to marry. She chose to make babies. She could have gone off to college, prepared herself to earn, met man with higher earning potential, or waited until this guy started his career. She could have done so many other things. But I know – she loved him. He loved her. And that meant they just had to get married and start having kids when they did.

First Dates Should Not Be So Serious

I get a kick out of a lot of articles written for women about men and dating, especially in media like Cosmopolitan.com. This one was called "His Surprising First-Date Fears" and it says:

We got experts to spill on the little things that secretly stress him out.

But the guy they describe sounds like he’s in ninth grade.

1. That you'll be different from what he's expecting.

Well, yeah. Men are visual creatures. Deceptive pictures aren't appreciated, as is general false advertising about your personality.

We've all been there - you thought the date went perfectly, he acts fine the whole time, and afterwards, you wait for him to call and...zilch. The sudden blow-off could be because you ended up being different than you were when he first asked you out.

Or it could be because you weren't very good at making out. Or, depending on the guy, it could have been because you grabbed his penis and he's looking for a wife, not a booty call.

2. He won't be the only one you're interested in.

Guys feel like on the first date more than ever, there's insane pressure to really wow a girl. So he worries that his competition — aka every other hot guy in the room - could steal your attention.

Huh? Please. Most guys expect you to be dating others and not blind to the fact that there are other men around. What we don't tolerate is using your phone or "accidently" bumping into friends, especially "friends" (= another man whose penis you've has seen).

3. He'll touch you too soon.

Nope. If she's not ready when he goes for it, then she's not right for him, or she need more time before the next date.

4. You won't give him another date.

Nope. He doesn't know yet what a great person you are. There's plenty of other women to date. If you don't want another date, then it is on to the next possibility. I once had a date with a woman who subsequently told me she wasn't interested in going out again, probably because I was younger. But later, she changed her mind and told me she wanted to go out again, and we dated for a while. Then she decided to stop. Probably because I refused to stick it in her (although we were doing other things). I heard her biological clock ticking. I spent no time worring about any of this – whether or not there would be another date.

It is very important - whether one is dating for marriage, dating for sex, or whatever – to hold off on getting emotionally attached to someone in the first few dates. There are billions of people in the world. Not every date is going to be a perfect match. It is best not to waste time and emotion on someone who isn't right for you. Keeping that in mind saves a lot of trouble.

What are men really thinking about on a first date?

1. "I wonder what she looks like naked. I wonder if she'll be good in bed." Now, religious guys will usually try not to entertain these thoughts, but they're there.

2. "Please don't make this too expensive."

Now, if he's looking for a wife, he will be looking for things that would disqualify her as a good wife for him, and if he likes what he sees, he will be worrying about making sure she's having a good time. If he's just looking for sex, he's going to be thinking about how to get from here to there.

Darwin Award Candidate: Raul Garcia Jr. of Lynwood

I could probably muster up some sympathy for someone who steals food to feed their kid and gets hurt in the process. But I just can't muster up any for vandals who are injured or killed as a direct result of the commission of their crime. In fact, I kind of like reading about it. I'm hard pressed to find a more welcome recent headline than “Tagger Struck and Killed on 710 Freeway”. Raja Abdulrahim reported at LATimes.com.

A 20-year-old tagger was hit by two cars and killed early this morning on the northbound 710 Freeway in the Compton area, the California Highway Patrol said.

He's 20 and he's running around vandalizing. Not getting enough coursework at the local university?

Raul Garcia Jr. of Lynwood and two other men had been tagging the center divider and, at 4:17 a.m., they began running east across the freeway, the CHP said.

Garcia was hit by a Nissan Maxima that had just merged into the far left lane, the CHP said. He was thrown into the next lane and struck by another vehicle, which drove away.

Garcia was pronounced dead at the scene. The two others were detained, and all four lanes of traffic were closed for two hours.

What a shame... a shame that a couple of drivers will forever have these memories (the second driver committed the crime of "hit and run" and I wouldn't be surprised if it was an unlicensed driver = illegal alien). And it is a shame that traffic was no doubt slowed.

"LAUSD teacher" at December 11, 2010 at 04:50 PM:

These young men had opportunities in school to achieve and teachers who cared yet they chose to blight the city instead of improve their minds and their communities. It starts at home, with books instead of video games and travel instead of TV. At 20 years old he should have been working toward his future.

"Ome-Coatl" at December 11, 2010 at 05:45 PM:

The sad part is that he died for nothing noble.

No one can even read or understand what he scrawled on the wall.

In two week's time, it will be covered up by another tagger.

Tagging is a mental illness. It is a pathological behavior of defacing the world because they are unable to "make their mark" in an authentic, productive way.

Then comes this by "BOO BOO" December 11, 2010 at 10:59 PM:

REST IN PARADISE KAUE, WE WILL ALWAYS MISS YOU!

Uhm, yeah.

"WC" at December 12, 2010 at 06:43 AM:

I'm trying hard to view Garcia as someone who was more than just a worthless tagger, but then I consider the psychological trauma sustained by the driver of the vehicle that initially struck him and, it's difficult not to think the world is better off without him.

What a waste. If his mother was any kind of decent mother, I feel for her. I wonder if he impressed some girl enough to get her pregnant and thus leaves behind kids?

The Quiet Bed

Most of us started having orgasms though masturbation, when we were living at home with parents and, for most of us siblings, on the other side of the door. Later, we shared rentals or dorm rooms with others, and just as when we were at home, we'd try to masturbate quietly enough not to be heard.

Or, for those who fornicated while living in such situations, you likewise were likely to try to keep quiet, trying to keep moans, gasps, and whimpers quiet and keep sex talk (what some people might call "talking dirty") to a quiet minimum.

Marital lovemaking should not be an embarrassment or shameful. It is exactly right, it isn't wrong. As such, the only reason why a married couple would want to stay quiet is not to wake/disturb others who make be in the home, especially children.

Due to the layout of our house and other factors, it is unlikely the kids would hear us during their sleeping hours.

My wife is quiet. That's fine. The other night, I tried talking. I'm not talking about using derogatory terms for her or for our body parts – I'm not interested in that. But I tried talking in a sexy way about what I wanted her to do and what I wanted to do to her.

She shot that down right away, thus adding yet another thing to the "no" list. She went on to say that I've been having sex a lot longer than she has, and that she doesn't need bells and whistles (yet). I quipped that at the rate/frequency we're at, we'll never get there. She responded by citing any number of factors that are creating the existing situation, none of which I have control over. Some will change. Others will not. But the ones that do change, I expect to be replaced with others, based on past experience.

Thinking back, sex has almost always been a quiet thing for me. I can only recall My First MILF being vocal. She would moan, she would tell me I was hitting the right spot, that I was a perfect fit, that I was big, stuff like that. Come to think of it, my wife said I was big the other night. But other than that, the only other thing she says is in response to me asking her what she wants, and she'll say the generic "make love to me". Maybe I should ask her, "How exactly?"

As far as the "big" talk – ladies can almost never go wrong talking like that, unless the guy knows full well that he's unusually small. It's like telling a woman that her hair looks fantastic when she's just had a salon disaster. Still, I point out that babies come out of there, so how can I really feel all that big? I don't want her to stop talking like that, though.

Ladies, aural sex is a good thing. Talking and making "appreciative" noises can enhance the lovemaking for your hubby. I don't mean telling him about what color you'd like the room painted. Tell him what he's doing right, give him constructive suggestions, tell him what you want him to do or what you want to do. Tell him how he's making you feel.

Do you have any good things to say, in addition to "You're so big!"? Go ahead and share them. Or, what do you like to hear?

Being a Jerk Works

Here's another example out of the hundreds of millions that show some women dig jerks. "Worried Best Friend" wrote in to Dear Margo:

One of my best friends is dating this complete jerk.

You know, when I was a kid, I thought that the way to get a girl to date you was to be nice to her and be a winner. Little did I know. Like many other boys, I'd notice that these jerks and losers always seemed to have no shortage of girls to go out with. I didn't reconcile these notions until I got older and other men started pointing out that being a jerk will not only not scare women off, it will get you easier sex and more sex.

Some women try to deny that women like to be treated badly, but some women keep volunteering to be treated badly. It turns them on. They can't stand men who treat them well.

He is manipulative, condescending, emotionally abusive, and let’s not skip over the time he told me to bleep-off, unprovoked and without an apology afterward.

Are you paying attention boys? Those of you with mothers who aren't with your father anymore – how often have you heard your mother refer to your father as a jerk, or with the traits listed above? Yeah, that's the guy who turned your mother on so much that she got pregnant by him. You can't get pregnant without sex (assuming rape is not involved, or a sperm bank).

I feel like my friend is brainwashed.

This is what she has chosen for heself.

She used to be so confident, and now she has changed the way she acts and even eats! He’s told her she’s gained weight, guilted her about cheeseburgers and scolded her for her spending habits.

He knows this will make her more likely to stick around and have sex with him. He wants her to think so little of herself that she'll keeping having sex with him.

If she gets drunk with her girlfriends, he gets mad.

Well, duh. That is not jerky behavior. That is normal behavior. How is she getting drunk with her girlfriends? Most likely with drinks other men are buying. Now why would a man who doesn't know a woman buy her a drink, hmmmm?

What can I do to help her realize this guy is bad for her? She knows he is a jerk. She’s even said it. But then she says she “loves him” and wants to marry him. She deserves much better.

She deserves exactly what she sticks around to put up with. You can't do anything about it. Badmouthing him will only make her cling to him more.

Dear Margo responded:

The only thing I can say for this chap is that his unhappiness with his girlfriend getting smashed is understandable.

Thank you.

From what you report, he is a controlling hothead, but as is usually the case, your friend will have to arrive at that realization herself. Stop trying to change her mind — because you can’t. These situations are do-it-yourself projects.

She's right.

Some of these guys are not naturally jerks. Some are guys that just want a girlfriend to have a lot of sex with and be best friends and have romance with, but they do not ever want to get married or have kids. These men would be nice guys if that is what got them what they want. But it doesn't, at least not without a lot of time, energy, money, and effort – and an expectation of getting married and having kids. Then these guys find that there are plenty of young, attractive women who will quickly get sexual with guys if they are jerks. They see it with their own eyes. So they become jerks, because that is what gets them the easy sex and with less pressure to get married, to boot.

If more women demanded better, these men would be better.

Sleeping Together, Or Not

One of the things I enjoyed about my past relationsips - in which I was doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing – was actually sleeping with my girlfriends and my not-girlfriends-but-still-doing-bad-things girls. I liked spooning, cuddling, whatever. I liked being right there with her.

My wife and I share a bed, but we don't really sleep together. She usually goes to sleep hours after I do. I'm usually up hours before her. When we were childless newlyweds, that was even more pronounced as we worked completly opposite shifts. But now our careers have changed (she's a SAHM) amd our sleeping hours have a lot of overlap.

There's been almost no spooning or cuddling in bed for our entire marriage. And it isn't for a lack of desire on my part. One of the great things about sleeping together is waking up in the middle of a slumber session or at the end of a slumber session and waking the other person up with sex. However, once either one of us is asleep, this almost never happens. I wouldn't mind. My wife would be annoyed (even without an orgasm, which would keep her awake for hours), and I don't think she gets enough sleep as it is. I certainly don't get enough sleep, either, but I've always been willing to sacrifice sleep for sex.

But even if I just kept it Rated G, my wife says she wouldn't be able to sleep if I was spooning her.

So there we sleep, with a lot of distance between us. As a bonus, the little dog will often sleep between us, sometimes right up against me so that I'll be on the edge of the bed and if I move, the dog will growl loudly to remind me not to crush her.

Really, I need to set up a bed in my man cave and sleep in there. There's no reason I can't stumble into there after lovemaking and fall asleep. It would probably be more restful.

That we would not be sleeping together (as in spooning or cuddling) is one of those things I was unable to determine before we married, as we never shared a bed prior to getting married. It was difficult enough to maintain my wife's virgin status as it was, so actually sharing a bed was out of the question.

Any of you going through anything similar? There has been a lot of news lately about homes getting smaller, but there has also been news about it being more common to build homes with two master bedrooms, as husbands and wives have their own spaces for the actual sleeping.

Normal Straight Men Appreciate the Female Form

Married Man Sex Life responded to a young wife who asked why her husband is attracted to other women. She asked if she isn’t good enough.

It's actually normal for a husband to have a general sexual interest in other women. For a 20 year old husband it's very normal. 20 year old males are basically hard wired to screw anything that moves. So in that sense it's not "about you". It's just the testosterone talking in him. The husbands that don't have a general sexual interest in other women have wives that write to me asking how to get their husbands interested in sex with them. So the good news is that your husband is heterosexual and has a pulse.

Yes, be honest wives. Wouldn't you rather have a husband who is attracted to other women in addition to you (but doesn't stray) with you occasionally noticing him checking out other women... than a man who has no sex drive or is a closeted homosexual?

So rather than frame the question as "why does he want other women / why am I not good enough?", why not see it as "he has a high sexual drive / he's expressing he needs help with it".

What you can do is actively listen to him about it. You can let him vent and express frustration, but also be clear that the appropriate person to have sex with is you, that there will indeed be negative consequences for sleeping with someone other than you. Plus you have to have sex with him. If you define yourself as his sole sexual outlet, you have to be that outlet or eventually that with blow up on you.

Dennis Prager, who talks and writes much about male sexuality, puts it more or less as "thank your husband for not straying" and never rebuff him. He says that if women could experience what it felt like to be a normal man, they would be amazed that any man avoids infidelity.

Badger Nation commented:

Don't want to speculate on the reader's background, but it's like they think once the modern piece of paper is signed thousands of years of biological programming should just switch off and he should only have eyes for her.

A good husband value his wife over all other women. But that doesn't mean he will not look at other women, even if his is married to the most beautiful woman in the world. He'll try not to be tacky about it, and he will satisfy his urges by making love to his wife.

Previously: Distressed By Normal Masculine Traits

She Sure Showed Him

This entry used to analyze news from a LATimes.com blog. But I have changed it per request. I got this comment from "Gotoh3ll":

You might think it’s all fun and jokes but she was my sister and she meant the world to me. Almost ten years later and nothing infuriates me more than seeing how insensitive someone like you can be. She has a daughter and one day when she searches her mothers name she’ll find how someone treated her mothers death with ZERO decency. You should really be ashamed of yourself. If you have any type of heart you would delete this post.

What I had done was examine a report from Shan Li that was printed in this LATimes.com blog.

The news report said a 27-year-old woman died after pouring gasoline on herself and igniting it after fighting with her 44-year-old shack-up boyfriend.

I feel for her brother.

I feel for her daughter.

I feel for anyone who loved her.

It sucks when someone you love is self-destructive, even more so when they die young as a result.

I'll wrap this up by keeping the last line I had written:

This poor woman needed some help. Too bad she didn't get it.

Another Sexless Marriage

More bad avertising for marriage. MISSING THE KISSING wrote in to Dear Abby:

My wife and I have been married 40 years.

That's a long time these days.

Five years ago, she told me she didn't want me in our bedroom and that she is "off limits."

Great! Separate bedrooms. That means you never have to talk with her, right? And she won't see who you're bringing into your bed. No more answering to her requests, either. You'll still have to pay her bills, unless you don't mind lousy credit. If you really want to be in that bedroom, though, you can. The law says it is much yours and it is hers.

She said she is not interested in me "that way" anymore.

Now keep in mind, if someone saw this guy out with another woman, he would be the one getting trashed. Or, if his wife told others at church that he was looking at porn, he would get trashed.

These people are what, 60, 65 years old? There are still some good years left.

Other than that, we have a great marriage and we're best friends, but I can't go on like this.

Of course not. It is like saying "Other than the fact that my car doesn't move, it is a great car!" Oh, and best friends don't treat each other this way.

I have suggested counseling, but she refuses to go.

Counseling wouldn't help, unless it is you getting counseling from a lawyer or "counseling" from a woman.

What do you think I should do?

1. Inform her that she's broken her marital vows. 2. Make sure you are shooting blanks (vasectomy, subsequent testing). 3. Discretely enjoy hookups. I would say get a girlfriend, but a girlfriend will likely demand more at some point. Better to keep things on the booty call level. Things have changed a lot since you got married. Women are giving it up no strings attached to strangers. Many, having a bad or no relationship with their fathers, are attracted to older men.

Okay, if you really want to do it the right way, divorce her and find a new wife. Although the problem with that is 1) splitting the property and paying alimony, with the lawyers taking their cuts and 2) you have no guarantee of actually finding another wife.

Ladies, if you know a woman like this, let them know that this isn't okay. It is women like this who have contributed to some men going on a marriage strike.

Wanting the Wedding, Not the Marriage

You've probably heard by now that Dr. Laura is taking her program to subscription satellite radio and planning to make some changes to it. It should be interesting as she feels less pressure to be politically correct.

Anyway, I have subscribed to her website and so I get to download every second of her show – at leat what they want to put online. Her infamous n-word call (for which she has duly apologized) didn't make it to the website. But that kind of editing is rare.

Because I hear every call, I got to hear the one she wrote about in this blog entry, "Girlfriends Compete Over Wedding Days".

Well, my caller told me she was engaged and planning a wedding, and her friend is also engaged and planning a wedding....and the friend's wedding is happening sooner than hers.

"SHE STOLE MY THUNDER," my caller said.

What? The triviality with which this young woman saw "friendship" and "marital vows" was astounding. I gasped and said that her friend's wedding - nor any other event in the world - could steal any thunder, as it was not about thunder. It was about lifelong vows in front of God, family and community to love, honor, and cherish 'til death do you part.

Too many people, women especially, want the wedding. They don't think enough about the marriage, nor do all of them really want a marriage.

She hung up on me.

I don't blame her. I was hoping she was ferociously ashamed of using a man who loved her with vows of love, loyalty and fidelity as a "win" over a girlfriend. Yeesh!

My heart goes out to this guy, who will probably have to get her pregnant before her friend and get the new car and house before her friend does. He won't be measured by his character and warmth -- he'll be measured by how much and how fast he gets her to trump her "friend."

Yeah, it's rather scary. Hopefully, he or someone he knew heard the call or he’s seeing the red flags. Getting married is one of the biggest decisions anyone can make, and it is personally catastrophic if you marry the wrong person. Who knows how much money this guy is or his parents are spending on the wedding? How much alimony will she get when she divorces him? And more importantly, what will it do to him emotionally? Hopefully, she will mature and change her attitude before they have any kids.

My wife's sister was engaged to be married before we were engaged, but we had our wedding before she had her wedding. We didn't tell them to have a long engagement, which they did, but we did have what I would consider a short engagement. My wife was a virgin when we married, and her sister was shacking up with her man. Those facts probably had something to do with the length of the engagements and timing of the weddings. It was a bit of an issue with her sister (who is younger) that we got married first, but nothing along the lines of the caller.

A Reminder

Ladies, have you taken the Hot Lover Wife Quiz? Let me know what you think.

Guys, tell me if I have missed anything.

Is Equality Important or Not?

Here's a woman complaining about a man wanting things to be strictly equal between them. UNFAIRLY EQUAL IN PHOENIX wrote in to Dear Abby in regards to her husband, who is the father of her dauther.

Leon is hung up on things being "equal." This can range from whose "turn" it is to do the dishes, change the diapers, put our daughter to bed -- to exactly how many days we spend with each set of parents. If we travel to see my parents, we must also travel to see his.

Isn't that what feminists said they wanted? Equality?

This "equal" obsession drives me nuts.

Yeah, I could see how it would. It often drives me nuts. But the law in community property states demands equality.

Yes, I believe men and women should be treated equally by the government as much as possible, and I try to personally treat men and women equally as human beings, but I do stick to certain traditions and it is ridiculous to pretend that there is no difference between men and women. Difference does not mean superior/inferior.

I'm fully in support of "fair," but if I'm busy making dinner, it seems to me that he could change the baby's diaper even if it's my "turn."

Or maybe you could schedule things differently. Or, contaminate dinner.

A marriage is a partnership, and I believe in picking up the slack when Leon is overwhelmed, sick or tired. Why can't he do the same for me?

If he is so obsessed with equality, than I'm sure that he picks up the slack for every time you pick up the slack, but that's it. So you are saying you are more often overwhelmed, sickened, or tired than Leon?

I wonder who earns more?

So, dear readers, what do you think about this situation?

It seems to me like an example of why potential spouses should separately write out how they expect things to be in their marriage – What would the ideal workday look like – what would happen during the course of that entire day? What would the ideal regular day off look like? What would vacation look like? What would certain holidays look like? Figure that out through every phase of the marriage... newlywed and childness, during pregnancy, with a baby, with a toddler, with an older child, with an empty nest, etc. Sure, there are unforeseen things that will have an impact on these things, but by knowing what someone's ideal expectations would be, you can compare notes to see how compatible the visions are, and what the other person's priorities are likely to be.

That is something my wife and I should have done. We only nailed down some generalities – I would be the breadwinner, she would stop working to have kids, etc. I wish we would have discussed what she was going to do with the kids when I was busy, what was going to happen when I was around, and so many other things.

Thankfully, my wife and I are not so bent on "equality".

Dear Abby responded:

Because, for whatever reason, your husband is obsessed with the idea that he's going to get the short end of the stick -- if you'll forgive the vernacular.

Maybe he is afraid she will get cheated. Maybe he's just looking out for his wife.

However, he isn't going to change until he realizes he has a problem.

So wanting gender equality in marriage is a problem? That's an interesting thing for Dear Abby say. When men suggeste certain women of having mental, social, or emotional problems for certain feminist beliefs, they were tarred and feathered.

Don't Dogs Bite?

It has to be bad enough being a homeless dog without some smelly man using you to get off. Young women and girls who think it is flattering that a guy wants to stick it in them should remember stories like this. Andrew Blankstein reports on this Los Angeles Times blog.

A transient who sexually assaulted a dog he had adopted from an animal shelter has been sentenced to three years' probation, officials with the Los Angeles city attorney's office said Tuesday.

Wade Strickland, 62, pleaded guilty to animal cruelty and lewd conduct in connection with a Feb. 2 incident in which he was seen sexually violating the female German shepherd mix beneath a freeway underpass and was arrested by the Los Angeles Police Department Animal Cruelty Task Force.

Oh, thank goodness the dog was female. Otherwise, what he did would have been strange.

Judge Mary Lou Villar also ordered Strickland not to own or possess any animals, submit to searches by the LAPD and Department of Animal Services for animals at any time and attend two dozen animal care counseling sessions.

Animal care? Really?

Officials with the city attorney's office said Strickland had previously adopted numerous dogs from the South Los Angeles Animal Shelter.

So he's a player, that cad. Can't stay faithful.

He had been reported for both mistreating his animals and indecent exposure but never had been previously prosecuted.

You mean he was seen exposing his shortcomings?

At the time of his arrest, Strickland was "found with two dogs, including the victim, and pornographic material in his possession," according to the city prosecutors.

Porn? Oh, now you know he's a bad man. The prosecuter and the newspaper cite the porn as if it caused him to molest a dog. If porn was to blame, no animal in the nation would be safe. So he was found with "two dogs, including the victim". I wonder if the other dog was like, "What, I'm not attractive enough?"

The abused dog, which had no visible trauma, was successfully adopted following the incident, officials said.

Seriously, I'm glad the dog has no visibile trauma and found a home.

An item like this always draws plenty of comments from readers. People are unhappy that he just got probation, but would prison be all that bad for a transient? I mean, he'd be getting free shelter, food, medical care, entertainment? Sure, he wouldn’t have a dog to abuse, but you have to consider a the tradeoff.

When Overthinking Takes Away From a Song

I own two versions on the song "Always on My Mind" – Elvis' and the Pet Shop Boys'. I've heard the Willie Nelson version, too. I like all of them, which has indicated to me that it is a good song. Haven't heard the numerous other verions from other performers.

I've enjoyed this song for many years, as supposedly a lament for a great lost love.

But the other day, it hit me that the lyrics depict a very selfish person, or at least someone incompetent at relationships.

Consider...

"Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind"

And...

"Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind"

Okay, so the person is saying they were constantly thinking about their lover, but didn't do much to show them love. That leads me to think that the person doing the singing was dwelling on their lover's adoration for them, what having that person as a lover says about them... basically an ego and fantasy thing. But for all of the thinking about the other person, those thoughts didn't prompt the person to lift a finger to show affection or even tell her nice things.

Geez.

I wish I wouldn't have thought about it that way.

Show your spouse affection. Speak loving things to them. Think about what they need and want, and then do that.

Ten Simple Rules

What have you learned from your favorite columnist, radio host, books, websites, teacher?

A SURVIVOR IN NEW HAMPSHIRE wrote in to Dear Abby with a "top ten" list of Dear Abby lessons this person has learned.

1. No one can "make" you unhappy. You have choices.

I broadly agree with this, though there are some cases where it just isn't true, such as a child who is severely abused by the very people who are supposed to care for her. Can she really choose to be happy? But yes, a lot of adults are unhappy because they either literally choose to be, or they make choices that make them unhappy. You probably know someone who is only "happy" (comfortable, reall) when they are miserable.

2. The healthiest way to cure depression? Volunteer your hands and your heart.

I once heard in church an acronym for this – JOY, standing for "Jesus, others, and you". Seek to follow Jesus, seek to help others, and then tend to what you want, and you'll be a lot happier - Especially if you have people in your life who also follow this advice, and thus help you.

3. The best advice for raising children? Remember that you raise them to let them go.

I don't know if that is the best advice, but it is important to remember that parents should exert influence over their children and do so with the goal of making them self-sufficient and pleasant adults.

4. The best person with whom to discuss marital difficulties? Your spouse. Complaining to others may make you feel better for a day, but it will be at the expense of your marriage.

I fall short here. I am careful about what I say to others who know my wife, but ideally I use this blog to anonymously work through what goes on in my head, so that I will only bother my wife with what needs to be shared with her, and hopefully with a possible solution offered at the same time. But I fall short in bringing up everything with her that I should.

5. Don't "protect" those you love from the pain that will heal them.

Sometimes, there are lessons that need to be learned.

6. Never criticize without working toward a solution, particularly when it comes to politics.

People need to vent. But if it is possible to direct energy towards improvement, that is the best way to deal with anger or discontent.

7. Never forget abuse nor tolerate it again, but do forgive the abuser.

Only forgive an abuser who is truly repentant, but do not trust them with those you are obligated to protect.

8. What (and whom) you love is not shown through words but by where you devote your time, your energy and money.

For sure.

9. You are what you eat, read and watch on TV.

This is why you should never eat fruits, nuts, and vegetables, right?

10. Life is linear. Make every moment matter.

Yes, we only are this age for a moment, and we have a finite amount of time in this life.

Dear Abby points out she has never written that one should feel obligated to forgive and abuser.

There really aren't all that many rules one needs to follow to have a good life. The problem comes in dealing with the pain that can come from doing the right thing, dealing with delayed gratification, etc. Just consider the Ten Commandments. If everyone followed them, the problems of this world would be few.

Busy

There's never a shortage of things I want to say here, but the holidays are keeping me busy. Don't know how much I'll be able to check in over the next several days. Have a great holiday weekend! Drop me a comment...

Is Something Fishy in Salmon, Idaho?

Is Kristina Ross a lesbian who was trapped in a man's body? Consider this article, that first describes Ross as a woman. Laura Zuckerman reports for Reuters.

An Idaho judge has set bond at $100,000 for a Boise woman police say posed as a physician and duped at least two other women into having their breasts examined by her at Boise-area nightclubs.

I have all of my medical work done at nightclubs.

Kristina Ross, 37, remains in Ada County Jail in Boise on two felony counts of practicing medicine without a license.

My libertarian side thinks people should be allowed to genuinely help others without a license, as long as they don't claim to have a license. Potential patients can always ask for credentials, and private organizations can test and recommend doctors. But the law is the law. Is this really practicing medicine without a license, or is it assault, or is it a TSA screening?

Police say Ross introduced herself to victims -- one at a downtown Boise bar and the other at a nightclub in a Boise suburb -- as a plastic surgeon named Berlyn Aussieahshowna, a name that turned out to be bogus.

Ya think?

The two women told Boise officers they believed Ross was a physician because of her apparent medical knowledge, and they agreed to undergo what they thought were breast exams, which happened at the bars.

This reminds me someone my father told me about, who would go shoot pool with a buddy and would tell his buddy about his day at work – making it sound like he was a gynecologist. Only he wasn't any sort of doctor at all. But that wouldn't stop women from approaching him and asking him questions about their body - which was, of course, his intent.

As part of her ruse, Ross gave the women the telephone number of a real licensed plastic surgeon in Boise, the state capital, authorities said.

Staff at that medical office became alarmed at the number of calls they received from women in recent weeks attempting to confirm appointments or surgeries with a Berlyn Aussieahshowna, according to charging documents.

"Dr. Assieahshowna isn't here, but you can see Mike Hunt or Richard Peters Johnson." Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Medical workers on Tuesday alerted Boise police about the pattern, and they later arrested Ross.

If Ross had picked a different number, the ruse could have continued.

Now the story gets really interesting...

The suspect's gender is unclear. Idaho court records show that Ross was arrested for petty theft in the spring and that the arrest warrant was issued to a Kristoffer Jon Ross.

The Idaho Statesman website reported that Ross has a previous criminal record as a man but identifies herself as a woman and was booked into Ada County Jail as a female.

So that is why Ross knew so much and was so interested. Ross is apparently man by birth who now claims to be (identfies as) a woman (transgender).

It is so easy to get scammed - for money, too. David Lazarus, who covers consumer issues in the Los Angeles Times, recently had a warning about the "emergency scam" – which is one I'd heard about before. Read on.

Decide to Enjoy It More

A study indicates that women can think themselves into having a better sex life. Betty Klinck reports in USA Today.

Researchers at the Sexual Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of Texas-Austin found that women experienced improvements in symptoms such as low sex drive just from getting a placebo in a clinical trial.

A placebo is a control for the study. What that means is that a study might separate people into three groups. One will take the real pill being tested. The second group will take a sugar pill or some other substance that shouldn't have a a physical impact on what's being tested – that's a placebo. The third group will get nothing. If the second group shows significant positive changes, then the indication is that at least some of the problem is psychological and can be improved simply by changing one's thinking.

I am reminded of when I'd bought a brand new air filter and the girlfriend I was seeing back then borrowed it new out of the box because a friend of hers who supposedly had severe allergies, including an allery to cats, was going to be visiting my girlfriend, who had a cat. My girlfriend reported back to me that the air filter worked perfectly to keep her cat from triggering her friend's allergic reactions. And then I read the directions and realized there was some plastic I had yet to remove that actually made the filter functional.

So yes, a lot of our problems and pain can be dealt with by changing our thinking. We can remove self-defeating behaviors that way. The problem comes in when someone extrapolates that idea and thinks all problems – such as all diseases – can be cured by changing one's thinking. Every few years, someone repackages that false notion and makes a lot of money selling it to people. (If your religion is based on this notion, I don't mean to insult you. If my beliefs are true, than this notion must necessarily be false - and I do believe my beliefs, after all.)

But I digress.

Women may have experienced increased satisfaction simply because they decided to take action and experienced increased hope, says researcher Andrea Bradford. The study was published in September in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

There's something for your coffee table.

"It's not going to change if you just wait for it to happen," Bradford says. "Changing how you approach the problem might in itself make a big difference."

Ladies, if you decide to enjoy lovemaking more, then you just might.

Measuring female sexual dysfunction and satisfaction can be difficult sometimes, because it is very much based on the woman's own observations of her symptoms, says Meston.

"Sexual dysfunction is, in a way, what a woman says it is."

Yes, dear. Most women know on some level that their attitude can make a difference. Think of the women that claim they need to be romanced with gifts and dinners and all of these other things to get turned on, but if their favorite celebrity crush were to walk around the corner and take her in a closet for five minutes, she'd need almost no foreplay whatsoever, and certainly no romance.

She notes also that decreased sex drive in a long-term relationship is normal for women.

Testosterone levels in men also drop when they marry and have children. So if a higher sex drive is more important to a person than loving one person, this is something that supports their decision to avoid commitment to someone other than themselves.

But for marrieds, it is important to note that we have more reason to believe that attitude matters.

Something I Thought I’d Never Do

Warning: This entry is about some details of marital lovemaking.

I've been trying to bring my marital lovemaking life up to a better place. There have been small improvements here and there as of late, and I expect there will be more in the coming months (perhaps getting us back to where we were as newlyweds) but I accept that it may never be fully where I want it to be. My wife has said a while ago that she wants me to be able to say that the best sex I've had is married sex, and she is the best kisser I've ever kissed. As it stands now, though, if my son was at "that age" and we were having a frank talk about sex and I was telling him all of the reasons why he should save sex for marriage (which I do believe in the right thing to do), I could not honestly tell him I get more and better sex being married. I have not said this to my wife, of course; I don't want what I am getting to be taken away. I also would not say it my son as it wouldn't be his business.

Now, when I write "what I am getting", it sounds selfish. But a lot of what I want to "get" is more opportunities to make my wife feel good things she's never felt before, and feel other good things more often. It will make us closer and generally improve our marriage. I very much enjoy pleasing her. And if every additional session was only about pleasing her, I'd be fine with that. Pleasing her is one thing that pleases me.

She discourages me from bringing her to climax more than once a week. She currently has a low libido and she's one of those women who will only allow herself to orgasm once a session as it is. She does offer me fellatio once or twice a week now, but discourages me from doing much to her during that session. She is usually clothed, it is in the dark and she's quiet, I'm in bed ready to fall asleep, and it is pretty much a straightforward "get it done" sort of thing, and when she senses I'm about to ejaculate, she pulls away and lets it happen like it is nothing more than an inconvenient mess, rather than the precise moment to give me the most pleasure. It is better than nothing, but I really need to start encouraging her to play with my testicles, change things up a little, and make some noise.

The other night, though, something happened that turned me on a lot and got me aroused much of the next day just thinking about it.

Okay, here's where I offer another warning. If you don't want to read about anything dealing with the anus (specifically, a woman's), then skip the rest of this entry. Otherwise, click to continue reading this message.

Thanksgiving Reminder

It is that time of the year again - when some unmarried people sitting around a Thanksgiving meal endure from family the questioning, nagging, teasing, and whatever else about why they're not married or why they don't have kids yet.

Don't get me wrong. I think it is acceptable to ask a family member who is currently expecting a child and will not be giving the child up for adoption about getting married. But if somone isn't in that position, they should not have to endure yearly or more frequent pressure from other family members about getting maried.

See a previous posting of mine on this subject.

If you have endured such questioning, have you come up with any good things to say thay stop the questioning and pressure?

The answers would likely be different depending on one's personal beliefs and the general family's traditional belief. For example, if the family is very religious and so are you, you can say, "God just hasn't brought me the right person yet."

But if most people at the table aren't religious, espeially not you, it is very easy (at least for a man) to reply honestly with, "What would I get by being married that I can't get being unmarried?"

Either way, perhaps a good response is...

"I like my life the way it is right now. I get to do what I want when I want. Nobody argues or fights with me, or nags me in my own home. I never has to sleep on the couch. I get to have my place the way I like it. And I get to come here and endure this line of questioning from the likes of you instead of having to spend the holiday with someone else's family."

Two common questions asked of those with no plans to marry are, "Aren't you worried about growing old alone?" and the related "Don't you want someone to take care of you?"

But plenty of people who marry and have children end up growing old alone and in a horrible nursing home. Most of the people who sit in nursing homes with little or no visitation from family had children. And as far as being alone, there are these wonderful people called... friends. And when your friend gets mad at you and decides not to deal with you any more (or you decide not to deal with your friend anymore), you don't have to lose your home and pay that friend money.

Have any of you endured this line of questioning? How have you handled it?

I'll Be Back

I may take the rest of today and the weekend off from blogging. There's no lack of material, but I'm short on time.

Please check out some past entries (see the labels/tags and featured links) and feel free to leave a comment telling me your reactions to what I've written. I very much like hearing from you.

Thanks for stopping by.

Deflated

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Desperate Housewife, Dear Margo, and the Bible

There was a letter to Dear Margo that I wanted to note because it has some of the same issues I recently wrote about analyzing a letter to Dear Abby. But first I wanted to address Margo’s response to the other letter in that edition of her column.

The first letter in the column was from a bisexual woman who was complaing about negative feelings towards bisexuals from some gay men and lesbians. But Dear Margo took the opportunity to bash the Bible:

Things have greatly improved, to be sure, but there will always be people who are narrow-minded, bigoted, judgmental or influenced by a literal reading of the Bible … even though the "good book" contradicts itself in many instances.

Really? Lesbians and gays are giving bisexuals a hard time because of the Bible? Ah yes, it is right there in 1st Illusions 3:16 - "Thou shalt engage in homosexual sex or heterosexual sex, but thou must pick only one."

In regards to "a literal reading of the Bible" – people have a misconception about what it means to take something lierally. It means reading literature as the kind of literature it is – history as history, satire as satire, metaphor as metaphor. However, using various literary forms, the Bible does consistently portrays sex as something for marriage, and marriage as between a man and a woman. Look it up. It is there in the first and last books and many between – a consistent message. (However, as a matter of law, I think homosexual and bisexual people should be free to do what they want as far as relationships, sex, etc.)

Which brings me to the other point. Consistency. Dear Margo says the Bible "contradicts itself in many instances." But I notice she did not name an instance. Some of my readers don't care much for the Bible, or don't treat is authoritative. Fine. I can respect sincere and informed differences from my own beliefs. I actually discussing those differences. But Dear Margo does what so many people do, and dismisses any authority for the Bible by simply asserting it is filled with contradictions. Most people who do this can't name a single one.

Yes, there are websites that will list alleged contradictions for you. But when you study the Bible and note the literary genres, to whom the various books were written, etc. – then the alleged contradictions disappear. From what I remember, there is a place or two where numbers don't match, likely because of an error in transmission. There are websites that examine each alleged contraction and show them to be nonexistent or insignificant. Not that it matters... if every alleged contradiction that folks like Dear Margo brought up was explained to them to their satisfaction, they wouldn't suddenly believe the Bible. It is a red herring. If you outright deny the possibilty of the supernatural and thus deny the Bible, then fine. But don't claim the problem with the Bible is that, say, God gave certain commands to Jewish people while living in a theocracy and gave different commands to gentiles living in Rome.

But on to sex stuff.

The letter I wanted to note, which, as I said, had similar themes to one to Dear Abby, was from "Frustrated in Texas":

I'm in my late 30s, married 10 years to my hubby who is in his early 40s. He's a great guy and a wonderful father to our two children. Our marriage is good on all fronts but one. While my libido appears to be growing, his appears to be slowing - noticeably.

This is not unsual given the ages and the children.

In addition, my sense of adventure in the bedroom is expanding, and I find myself interested in other types of play.

Sounds great!

Yet he has decided that missionary is it and that a "lady" should not have these desires.

He's wrong,and not only shortchanging you, he's shortchanging himself. He should seek to please you, as long as what you want to do isn't destructive.

This means our infrequent liaisons are less than satisfying.

I can honestly say that every other aspect of our relationship is really good.

Well that's good. But without good sex, it is like saying that my car is great in every way but barely runs.

I think we're both too young to spend the rest of our years like this, but I don’t know what to do about it.

Any advice, ladies or gentlemen? I'm stumped because I identify more with her than him in this case.

To make matters worse, I recently had an online chat with someone in another country that grew quite steamy. While I have never done anything of that nature before, I found it thrilled me.

It's not right, but it is better than physically taking on a lover.

People should eat at home. But if the kitchen is bare, people tend to go elsewhere to eat. That's human nature. Does he believe in the Bible? (See, here's advice that Dear Margo can't give.) There are books and websites that are Bible-based that explain that spouses are supposed to enjoy sexual variety together. That might be the way to go. And seeing if his doctor can find a problem and offer a solution.

I remember reading that, contrary to popular modern perceptions of Puritans, if a wife went to her friends with complaints like this, the friends would tell their husbands and the husbands would get together and tell guys like this woman's husband that it was his Christian duty to make love with his wife often and keep her satisfied.

Dear Margo tells her to quit the cybersex and and get some therapy involved.