Happy New Year!

Going out tonight? Celebrating? (Or, if you're reading this after the fact, did you?)

Not me! I'll be lucky if I can get some sleep.

My wife would want to go anywhere even if we had someone to take care of our kids.

This is married-dad life, guys. I'll be lucky to get a kiss.

My goals for the New Year?


-Keeping my wife from killing herself, at least in front of my kids.

-Trying to save enough money for the future.

-Trying to keep my kids from killing themselves, each other, or their mother.

-Keeping my vehicle, which is over two decades old and doesn't have working a/c, running.

-Keeping social workers and health departments out of my home.


None of these things would be problems if I hadn't married.


I hope you have a great New Year. And if you're not married, DON'T GET MARRIED!!!

Old Time Values Are Now Counterculture

People who are new listeners to Dr. Laura may be confused because she is counterculture - and I say she is counterculture as a very high compliment. If "new" listeners call in and get onto the show before they understand from whence Dr. Laura comes, they may experience bewilderment. Knowing that these are some of her rules, assumptions, conclusions, and values (at least, as far as I've discerned from her media) will give you some understanding and might help you get something useful from the show or the call because there's less chance you'll be confused. Again, these are hers, not necessarily mine. (Although I largely agree with her.) [This entry is being bumped up from years ago, because it is still relevant.]

Are You Lonely at This Special Time?

Guys, are you feeling down because you think you should have a "special woman" in your life? Maybe as your wife? And you don't?

Does it seem like everyone is happy and together with a partner?

There's a guy I've known for my entire adult life. We're not close, but he's been an acquaintance all along. He gets on social media and complains about being alone. It's pathetic. And if his social media postings weren't obvious enough already, he's started to talk about mental illness.

Doing stuff like that is a good way to drive any potential partners away, at least the healthy ones.

This is a guy who is gainfully employed and living in one the best places to live in the world.

But I get it. Brain chemistry doesn't care if you're better off than most of the world.

There are men out there, and maybe you're one them, who is feeling lonely and you ache for a girlfriend. A wife. You think that's what's missing from your life. You think that having that special lady would make everything better.

Dealing With The Holidays

[Bumping this up for Christmas.] Well here we are yet again, facing another "holiday season" kicked off by Thanksgiving, meaning that unmarried men everywhere (in the USA, anyway) are going to be hounded by family about their marital status.

Since marriage has been the biggest mistake of my life, I don't want any other men pressured into it. You don't need a wife, guys. Most of you shouldn't be husbands or fathers. Most of you really don't want a wife; you might not even want a girlfriend.

In past years, I have posted a reminder about the holidays and almost all of it still holds up. The one change is that I no longer think couples who have children or are expecting should be encouraged to marry. Our culture, especially our oh-so-holy Supreme Court, has declared that marriage isn't about children. It's solely about the feelings of adults at any given moment. As such, nobody should feel any obligation whatsoever to marry no matter what the circumstances. (Sorry, folks, if two men can get "married" then marriage can't be about children. If you thought removing gender integration from marriage wouldn't have any negative consequences, well, you were wrong. You can't demand other people live as though it hasn't changed.)

Cats and Batteries

Part of Dennis Prager’s selling of marriage involves selling women on marriage. To his credit, he doesn’t just focus on selling marriage to men. Fortunately, for him, he got a call to his show, which I heard, that he turned into this column. I have no idea if she was one of those hired callers some shows use.

I found the column at Townhall, which is part of Salem, the company replacing Michael Medved with Sebastian Gorka at the end of the year. There, the column had the headline ”A Message to Young Women from a Career Woman”.

Every Wednesday, the second hour of my national radio show is the "Male/Female Hour." A few weeks ago, a woman named Jennifer called in. For reasons of space, I have somewhat shortened her comments. Every young woman should read them. This is precisely what she said:

Every young woman.

Does Something Have to be Wrong?

The second to last call on the Dr. Laura show yesterday, Monday, November 26, was from a woman who said her 14 year-old daughter told her (prompted by a discussion of about abortion) that she'd engaged in sexual activity a couple of times, and that this wasn't with a boyfriend, but rather these were casual encounters.

The first thing Dr. Laura asked about the girl's father. When the caller indicated that she's married to her daughter's biological father and that he's a good, involved father, Dr. Laura coudn't blame the girl's behavior on a divorce or bad or absent father, so she repeatedly said "Something's wrong!" and urged the mother to get her daughter into therapy.

According to what Dr. Laura said, she was thinking the girl was seeking male approval, but the caller saying what she did about her husband knocked that away.

What I don't understand is how Dr. Laura dismisses the possibility that a hormonal teenaged girl simply wanted to mess around because it is fun and exciting, and her desire to do so outweighed any concerns she had about possible negative consequences? Wouldn't that be NORMAL for most teenagers? Isn't that why some parents and religious organizations spend a lot of time, money, and energy warning teenagers about the risks of young, unmarried sexual activity?

It just seemed like an odd call, but then yesterday Dr. Laura seemed to have less patience or desire to "work hard" than usual. She was hanging up on callers stuff like that.

I'd be interested in the caller following up with another call or letter if she finds out anything unusual.

Dr. Laura will usually blame any deviation from the ideal life plan she teaches (which I largely agree with is the right way to do things) as the cause of whatever she sees as a problem in the caller's life, which is often spot-on but sometimes I'm not so sure. For example, she's told a caller "Your daughter is doing [whatever the problem behavior is] because you divorced her dad and married someone else." But when I remember my sister doing the same things while our biological parents were still happily married, how does that compute? Clearly my sister wasn't doing it because of a divorce and remarriage. And maybe the caller's daughter is doing something for another reason, too.

Don't Be This Guy

Reading the Dear Abby column an result in daily facepalms. Just check out this recent letter by HUNG UP ON THE RING IN RENO:

My girlfriend and I love each other very much and have been living together with our children for five years. 

Ugh. Either they have children together, they brought in children from other relationships, or both. He doesn't say. If she already had minor kids he shouldn't have dated her. If he already had minor kids, he shouldn't have introduced his new lover to his kids. Shacking up is a terrible idea in general, but even more so with kids. And then if they had kids together outside of marriage, that was a horrible thing to do.

We intend to get married soon.

Why bother?

Here is the rub: She's "old school." She believes she should receive a diamond ring as part of the marriage proposal.

MUHUHUHUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Old school?!? That's a good one. Old school.

OLD SCHOOL WOMEN DON'T SHACK UP!!!

Now Is the Time, Guys

Here in the USA, Thanksgiving is on the way (11/22!!!), and then it'll be Hanukkah, Christmas, Festivus, New Year's Eve/Day, and then Valentine's Day.

Thanksgiving, even more than Christmas Day, is when family gets together. We get two straight days as official holidays, attached to a weekend.

This is where the pitfalls are for a man who wants to be or remain free.

If you spend time with her family/friends, or she with yours, she'll be thinking you are the one she's going to attach to for the long haul. She might even be expecting a ring, or if you've given her one, talk of a wedding. Certainly she'll be expecting expensive gifts and having you jump through a bunch of hoops.

Avoid all of that.

Who needs that expense? Who needs the drama? Who needs a girlfriend who wants to be your fiancee? Who needs a fiancee who wants to be your wife?

You don't want to spend time with her family and friends, or have her spend time with yours. You don't want her getting the idea that you're serious. You need to be a free man.

If she's asking or even just hinting that she wants to move in together, get engaged, get married, have a kid, or even just "define the relationship" or has asked, "Where is this going?", now is the time to become really scarce or outright ghost her, at least until February 15. If she has a birthday or your "anniversary" with her is in late February or early March, extend the break until after that. It will save you so much time, money, and hassle. 

You shouldn't have a girlfriend at all, but if you do, you need to take evasive action NOW. Especially if you're living with her or she's got at least one minor or dependent child.

Please see something I wrote before about dealing with the holidays.

Tom Leykis Has Transitioned

No, not like that.

As he announced he would a month ago, he has ended his live call-in audio show. He last had a regular radio show in 2009, started up this Internet-based call-in audio show in 2012 after his contact with the radio company (and the accompanying paychecks) ended. While that show was placed into subscription podcast format after in ran live on the stream (on which it would be repeated) for free, now Leykis is specifically doing a podcast for paid subscribers, who can also access the content from 2012 onward.

This means he's no longer doing a live, appointment show. It gives him far more flexibility, while trading away caller participation.

While the call-in show generated enough revenue through subscriptions, advertisements, and other ways to more than cover costs (sans a healthy paycheck for Leykis), it is possible he'll make more money from his new podcast format.

How so, given that he won't have as large of an audience for advertisers to reach?

Don't Date Single Mothers - Here is Why

[This is this blog's most popular post. I think it holds up well and is highly relevant in today's world. PLEASE NOTE: If you want to comment, do so here because this entry already had hundreds of comments.]

Not of all of these reasons apply to everyone. Some men are dating for sex, others are dating for marriage and sex, for example. Also, “single mother” can mean different things*.

Men, especially men with game, have a choice in women. Some women have children, some don’t. Unless you’re a pedophile, it is extremely unlikely that a woman with a child has anything to offer that’s of benefit to you that a woman without a child lacks. Conversely, here are the downsides of dating a single mother, in no particular order:

1) The kid(s) will always come first for her, and that’s the way it should be. A woman without a child has much more freedom to be available for you. An unmarried mother should put her child(ren) first. The child is already dealing with not having a mother and father married to each other and living together, and needs parental attention. That child does not need to compete with you, and you don’t need to compete with that child. Even if you were to marry her, the child(ren) will always come first, whereas being with a childless woman means YOU come first. Having children in the mix complicates EVERYTHING!

2) Most relationships end. So you’d bond with her children and then you (and the children) would have to endure the pain of losing or restricting that bond with each other. That’s bad enough for you, but you should not be a party to putting a child through that.

3) Being around the child(ren) exposes you to false charges of abuse. If the child likes you, if you’re nice to the child, that’s no insurance against false accusations. It probably makes you MORE of a target. These children are more likely to have mental and emotional problems. Social workers know that children in these situations are more likely to be abused by their mother’s lovers, so they’ll be more likely to believe you are a culprit. Even if you are ultimately cleared of false accusations, the mere accusation can ruin your life. This reason alone should eliminate single mothers from your consideration.

4) You WILL have to pay more than if you date a childless woman. First it will start off with having to pay for babysitters, and then she will want to have “dates” on which the child(ren) will come along. So not only will you not be getting sex, but you’re going to have to hang out at Chuck E. Cheese’s AND pay for the child’s meals and entertainment. Depending on what is happening with the child’s biological father, how much time the child spends around you, paying for the child, and buying gifts for the child (think birthdays, Christmas, etc.), you can end up getting tagged for child support. All it takes is some judge or government official picking YOU to pay for the child’s needs rather than taxpayers. Finally, if you marry her, you will DEFINITELY be paying more.

5) A woman who has given birth can’t ever have a body close to what she had before carrying a child. This is not saying that having a child isn’t worth it, but this is not about YOU having a child. That child is hers, not yours. Her body was changed by something that is of no benefit to you.

6) You don’t want to be a father. She has demonstrated already that she doesn’t know how to effectively use contraception OR otherwise doesn’t make good choices because she made children with the wrong guy (most likely)*, and has demonstrated that she WANTS to be a mother as she kept the child. Once a woman is a mother, she is less reluctant to avoid pregnancy. She may WANT her child(ren) to have a sibling, and you don’t want to end up being Daddy. It doesn’t matter what she says as far as “I don’t want another child” or “I can’t get pregnant” or “I’m using contraception” or “I wouldn’t ask anything of you.” Women lie or change their minds about this sort of thing all of time**, and even if she doesn’t, a court can make you be Daddy, financially anyway.

7) You don’t want to be divorced. Especially since women are more likely to file for divorce, marrying a divorced woman means you are more likely to end up divorced from her. Second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriage. Marrying a woman with minor children gives you about a 70% chance of getting divorced. And that's legal divorce. Some people stay legally married, but miserable.

8) You don’t want to deal with the child’s father. Even if you’re just dating her and don’t want to get married, if the father(s) of the child(ren) is/are in the picture, that is likely going to be even more of a hassle for you. Even if a biodad isn't in the picture right now, he can always resurface and wreak havoc unless he's dead.

As you can see, whether you’re just looking for sex or you actually do want to get married (= legally obligating yourself to give at least half of everything you’ll ever earn to a woman, being held legally/financially responsible for any children she births during the marriage whether they are yours or not), you should avoid single mothers. This is written to protect men (and, somewhat, children). None of this is to say single mothers are bad people and certainly not to say all women do the things I listed. Some do, and men should protect themselves.


*Women are “single mothers” for different reasons. While the term should be reserved for never-married mothers, it can also refer to divorced mothers and widowed mothers. Unless she was widowed because her husband was killed through no fault of his own (as opposed to guys who committed suicide, or had unhealthy lives, or were involved in crime), she picked the wrong man and/or treated him like crap. A few single mothers used a sperm donor, and those women think men are not important. [SINCE I HAVE RECEIVED MULTIPLE COMMENTS ON THIS, please see what I wrote here about WIDOWED MOTHERS.]

**Never trust a woman’s claims she can’t/doesn’t want to get pregnant (unless, of course, you WANT to have children with her). Assume she is fertile and will want to have a baby.

[This entry gets a lot of traffic, relative to my other entries. It must resonate with someone. PLEASE NOTE: If you want to comment, do so here because this entry already had hundreds of comments.]

Here's how to exit a relationship with a single mother if you're already in one.

Did Her Needs Change?

This entry is going to explicitly cover some sexual topics. So don't read it if that bothers you.

Not Booked

Someone commenting here reminded me of something I was thinking about the other day.

Wasn't Tom Leykis' book supposed to be released this month? It was going to be about Leykis 101, which essentially teaches men how to get more sex for less money.

It's placeholder has disappeared from Amazon.

I haven't heard the book mentioned on the show lately.

Tom's live, free, call-in show is about to end, but he does plan to start podcasting for paid subscribers.

At this point, it wouldn't be all that difficult for an avid listener to publish a well-organized and annotated book with the exact same information, while avoiding using the name "Leykis" or some of Tom's favorite phrases and personal stories. Granted, that listener wouldn't have Leykis' name recognition or media connection for ready publicity. Tom would probably argue that multiple people have already tried.

It did seem strange that the placeholder listed that the book would be released the same month Tom was ending the current version of his show.

The book could still be used to promote the subscriber podcast and archives, and perhaps Tom is revising the text to do exactly that. Heck, he could string together segments from his archives to compile an audiobook.

Waiting For Marriage is Good But Not Risk Free

[This post is from December 12, 2012. I'm bumping it up because it is still relevant.]

When I last updated here, I wrote this. I'll probably explain things more later, but for now, things are OK. I'm alive, she's alive, the kids are alive.

On yesterday's Dr. Laura Schlessinger program (which I listen to every minute of, because she's great), she opened by talking about the risks of fornication (without using that word) and why, statistically, saving sex for marriage (marrying as a virgin) is good. On her Facebook page, a question was asked of readers (even though she regularly says people should not have personal Facebook pages... they have to be on Facebook to respond on Facebook... but I digress.) Her opening commentary said sexual bonding short-circuits decision-making. But if that's true before marriage, it has to be true after marriage, too.

Then, appealing to data, she said

Compared to the early sex group* those who waited for marriage:
Rated relationship stability higher
Rated relationship satisfaction higher
Rated sexual quality higher
Rated communication higher

*A month of less after meeting/dating. There is a sizable gap between those couples and couples who waited for marriage. I wonder how couples who waited, say, three months or six months would compare?


How was this data collected? How were the questions asked? Were they asked as a couple, face to face with the person collecting the data? Was the "less than a month" or "married" question asked before the others? I suspect couples who waited for marriage, especially if they realize what is being studied, and even more so if done face-to-face and in front of each other, will overstate positives because they are financially, legally, socially, and often religiously invested and don't want to admit to others and especially themselves if they are unhappy with their marriages or something in their marriages. Some of these people may be of the mindset that "speaking it makes it so" and if they believe, as Dennis Prager does, that happiness is a choice and a moral obligation, they have even more incentive to claim things are great. Wouldn't they sound selfish and ungrateful to their spouse and God if they said things weren't going well?

What does it mean when people who've never had sex with anyone else rate the sexual quality of their relationship higher? They have nothing with which to compare it! Now, ignorance may be bliss if they want to stay married for life, but that's hardly an effective statistic to cite to any rational unmarried person about why saving sex for marriage is better: "If your married sex life ends up dull, you'll have no idea how much better it could be!!! Isn't that great?!?"

As with all sociology, correlation does not prove causation, nor the direction of causation, and we can't compare the same people to both circumstances, because they are only in one. For all we know, these same "saved it for marriage" couples would say the same things about their relationships if they had, instead, started having sex with each other right away and got married the same time along in the relationship, especially if they did not buy into a belief that sex is for marriage.

Dr. Laura ended the commentary by saying  "there are a lot of benefits, and no downs".

Really?

I wrote the letter below to her, and I doubt it is going to show up on her website, so here goes...
*****

I now believe sex is for marriage and that the world would be a better place if everyone reserved sex for their one and only spouse, and if widowed, again reserved sex for their next spouse.

But we who believe this should NOT:

1. Overpromise. Just about anyone who believes what we do is very religious or at least socially conservative, and the message we send is that if someone just saves sex for marriage and marries within the same faith, things will generally be great and the sex life will be great. The statistics often cited (including by you) are usually based on self-reporting, which I find dubious. The married-as-virgin people have nothing to compare their relationship to and no idea how things would be for them if they hadn’t married, or married as virgins. Even if accurate, as you recognize, statistics are generalizations. There are many unmarried people having lot of sex and are happy with their sex lives and lives in general, and many married people who are getting little or no sex and are unhappy.

2. Deny there are tradeoffs. Yes, there are. Every day we save sex for marriage is another day we don't enjoy sex, for example, and plenty of people, including women, do find sex outside of marriage enjoyable and it has many of the same benefits married sex does. It is very easy for those of us who are married and having sex to tell those who aren't "You should wait." Many of them see it like we're enjoying a nice meal while they are standing around with growling stomachs and we're telling them "Don't eat that junk food! Wait and MAYBE you'll be seated at that gourmet restaurant." They're hungry NOW, and while they might sit alone listening to good reasons to save sex for marriage, things look very different while sharing a passionate moment with someone they love.

3. Deny or ignore the risks. a) Almost anyone who believes sex is only for marriage also believes divorce is only permissible (and even then, still to be avoided if possible) if there is abandonment or abuse (including adultery and addictions). They may think they are marrying a virtuous, strong person because they are marrying a virgin, only to find they've married someone who has a low sex drive or other physiological problem, a psychological aversion to sex, or is homosexual. b) While people often stay in bad or mismatched relationships too long because they are having sex, there are also people who marry too young, too quickly, or the wrong person because they have a natural yearning for sex and want to be able to say they saved sex for marriage. [After I wrote this and sent this, I got to the 40-minute mark in the 2nd hour of the podcast and she got a call from a woman whose son was marrying too quickly/young/to the wrong person precisely because they were saving sex for marriage, illustrating my point.] c) Sexual incompatibility, especially when these incompatibilities can't be reconciled[1] or one spouse refuses to try to reconcile them. Although YOU wouldn't tell them to, they then think they are compelled by the same religious community and beliefs (including that divorce is shameful) to suffer and struggle through such a marriage.

4. Ignore that we've created a culture in which it takes longer to become established, independent adults and for men to earn enough to provide for a family, while at the same time making it easier to have unmarried sex without unwanted physical or social consequences. In Jewish culture 2,000 years ago, people married a lot younger, usually to someone they'd known all their lives and were pledged to marry, and unmarried sex, casual or otherwise, wasn't so easy to have and keep private as it is now.

Personal disclosure: I married a virgin, even though I did not require that in a wife. I now believe she was able to maintain her commitment to save sex for marriage due to the many medications she takes, as I discovered after we'd married, despite (or perhaps because of) making it clear I didn't want to marry someone who was chronically ill or constantly treating illness. After marrying, there was one situation after another that could be cited as interfering with our love life, and by the time I realized this was the way things were always going to be, we had children. I have crunched the numbers and even with rounding off to the benefit of marriage, I am one of those people who had a more active sex life (as wrong as it was) when I was unmarried, with no pregnancies that I'm aware of, and no STDs, confident I do not have any children from those relationships. If I hadn't had those relationships, I would be more anxious/bitter in my marriage because I would have to live with knowing that I'd never know what it is like to have an enthusiastic lover who wants sex enough to initiate and what it was like to do some rather common things my wife won't do with me. Thanks to you, I at least get some "mercy action" between the times she is willing to actually get naked , let me make love to HER, and have intercourse, but it emotionally feels like me masturbating, only while adding a chore to her day, which makes it less enjoyable to me than masturbation.

I appreciate all you do to encourage everyone to lead better lives. If we're honest about saving sex for marriage, we'll maintain credibility and avoid prompting general disillusionment with people who do not share so many of the positive results of saving sex for marriage.

***** [End of letter]
[1]Off the top of my head, some basic sexual incompatibilities married couples may experience include: 1) Who "may" initiate and how. 2) Who takes the lead 3) Positions for intercourse 4) Whether or not sexy talk is allowed, and just how explicit/which words to use. 5) Use of sex toys or common items household items (whipped cream?) 6) Lights on vs lights off. 7) Role playing
8) Who climaxes when
9) General limitations (examples: Once something has her natural lubrication on it, her mouth will not touch it, or he will refuse to kiss her on the lips if she has gone down on him.)
10) Cunnilingus? Fellatio?
11) Very soft and gentle and slow, or rougher?
12) Frequency
13) Morning, afternoon, or night?
Now, I know there are people reading this who are saying to themselves "They should just talk it over." That only works with someone who is willing to try, or willing to do it to please their spouse (without indicating to their spouse they find it a chore, thereby ruining it for their spouse). I've made it clear on this blog that I love cunnilingus. But what if a woman who more or less needed either that or a vibrator to orgasm married a man who said both of those things were "of the devil"? How likely is he to be talked into providing those things to her?   In my case, my wife has never ever suggested something I've turned down, while she has turned down several things, or has volunteered after the fact, even though she should have been able to tell I enjoyed it, that it, at best, does nothing for her.

Do I Have the Right to Remain Silent?

I probably didn’t handle this in the best way. There’s probably some way I didn’t think of that would have made things better. I’m always open to instruction and suggestions.[This is bumped up from June 2015.]

It is times like this that I am grateful for Tom Leykis and certain "manosphere" folks, and for the fornication of my wayward youth. I know I'm supposed to say I regret my fornication, but thanks to those experiences, and to Leykis and others, I know that my wife's sexual rejection is about her, not about me. Oh, sure, I don't have it as bad as some husbands. I still get some (mostly mercy, mostly vanilla) sex every two or three weeks. That's not enough for me.

I really, really, really wanted a lover who was enthusiastic, curious, adventurous, and generous, because those are the things I bring to lovemaking. I wanted someone who'd indulge with passion, playfulness, and think of marital lovemaking as bonding, a blessing from the Lord, and a shared hobby.

How does one know that's what they're getting if they avoid sexual interaction with each other before they marry? That’s a question I’ve asked before.

When someone calls Dr. Laura and says their spouse lacks interest, she asks how it was before they married.

Before we married, my wife explained that she was a virgin and was determined to be one until she married. I was fine with that. I thought that was ideal. She was passionate with her kisses. We did more than we should have, if going by what’s been esteemed as moral tradition, and she really seemed to struggle holding back. In fact, as I think I've written before, she did something multiple times she hasn't done even once since we married.

The indications were that she was revved up and ready to enjoy married life in this way. But there were a series of challenges life threw at her/us (you know… life) after I signed on the dotted line, and then we had two kids, and she had everything she wanted: She had the title of "wife" and "mother" and the minivan and the house. She had someone paying all of her bills, including for her overused health insurance and medical bills.

Tom's Final Month of Doing a Live Show

At least for now.

Tom Leykis announced on today's show that his last live audio show will be Thursday, October 25, 2018. He has been saying all year that this day was coming.

What he plans to do is keep his library of shows available for paid subscribers only and to do some new content via podcasts, starting October 29, only for paid subscribers.

He mentioned that he's had to cancel (or postpone) two of his dinner events due to a "minor medical issue" and his dinners were what was keeping the business profitable this year. (Haven't heard him mention the 1,900 subscriber mark lately.) He doesn't want to operate in the red, and doing the live show costs approximately half of a million dollars per year, so he's ending the live show. A podcast should cost less to produce, but he insists it will still have a high cost compared to many other podcasts because he wants the quality to be high.

So, with six straight years of profitably, he's calling it a day and making a change.

Of course, there is always the possibility that some company will offer to pay him enough that he'll take them up on the offer. SiriusXM had enough money to buy Pandora, or so it seems. I can't see him doing that unless the deal is very lucrative and/or he is given nearly total control over the show.

As of this writing, his book is still listed on Amazon as being released October 15, which is about three weeks away, even though there is no cover art and minimal information shown.

The Reason Your Child Is Misbehaving

As I've said on this blog over and over again, I love Dr. Laura and her media and mostly agree with her.

One of the areas where I have some questions about how she handles callers is when someone calls with concerns about the behavior of their minor child, and Dr. Laura starts off with questions to determine (as she often does with other concerns) whether or not the child is being raised in a married, intact home with their mother and father. If the caller was never married to the child's other parent, or is divorced, and especially if they are the stepparent or have a new spouse/partner, or the kid is in daycare, THAT is where the call stops, in the sense that Dr. Laura asserts THAT is the reason the child is acting out.

Really? She's not even going to bother to let the caller add that the kid was once run over by a bus, or was once kidnapped and beaten, or was hurt from medical malpractice?

It especially puts me on edge when the problem behavior described in the child is something like what my children are doing. My kids are being raised in a married, intact home by their biological parents. So clearly other things aside from divorce/never married/stepparent/daycare can prompt these behaviors, right?

Isn't it possible... possible... that whatever is causing the behavior in my children is also causing the behavior in the caller's child?

Now, I have to wonder if, in these cases, Dr. Laura feels the truth is less important than what she sees as the more important thing, which is eliminating or limiting the involvement of the new partner or spouse, or getting the kid out of daycare, or whatever, and communicating to the audience that kids need to be raised within their parents' marriage, by a parent. If that is her agenda, and the caller does what Dr. Laura recommends and the child still has the problem behavior, that will at least make the child better off. It just doesn't make anything easier for the parent or eliminate the problem behavior.

Another Reason Husbands Don't Communicate More

Everything I say can and will be used against me by my wife. That I already knew.

But everything anyone one ELSE says can and will be used by my wife to be negative about them and what's going on in our life, causing me a great deal of stress. So I need to remember not to tell her what other people have said. If I need to communicate the actual thing to her, I'm better off masking the source.

Example:

Me: "My sister [who has experience with X] said that we might want to look into X."

My Wife: "Yes, I already knew that. She should just shut up about things. Your family is so screwed up."

Now, let's see how I could have better handled that.

Me: "Have you looked into X?"

My Wife: "Of course I have. You must think I don't care about anything!"

I also need to avoid going to others with what my wife said. I'm not talking about private stuff. That I wouldn't share with others. That's what this blog is for. When I relay what my wife has said, people get pissed off at her. So if it is something that really needs to be communicated, I need to mask her as the source and change the wording and approach.

Sigh.

Guys, this is how I spend my days. I'm begging you: DON'T MARRY. Don't live with a woman. Even if you want kids, you don't have reasonable certainty you can provide kids a lasting, intact, happy, stable, healthy marriage in which to raise them. It's the sad truth. So get a vasectomy and never ever let a woman move in with you. Never move in with a woman. And never ever marry. You're more likely to end up like me than in a lasting, happy marriage.

Young Newlywed Thinks You Should Make the Same Mistake

A young man by the name of Brendan Clarey had an opinion column run in USA Today.

It would appear that he's in llloooooooooooooooove!

You know it's going to be delicious when it has this headline:

Dear fellow millennials, marrying at 22 is the best decision I ever made

Getting married was the WORST decision I ever made, BY FAR!

Getting married as a 22-year-old set me apart from most millennials, but my own experience made me ask: Why does my generation wait so long to wed?

If they marry at all, most don't wait long enough!

But those who do want to marry wait because they can get just about everything they want without marrying. And because they're in debt but want a big wedding. And because marrying in your early twenties or earlier is associated with a high rate of divorce (especially if you're not a member of a cult that punishes you for divorcing) and lower satisfaction in marriage.

Millennials like to take their lives into their own hands. They prove it by posting their travels on Instagram (#WanderLust). They wholeheartedly pursue their jobs and hobbies.

Men who marry young are going to have a harder time traveling, getting better jobs, and pursuing their hobbies.

So Much to Say

There is so much I want to write here. I could update every day, multiple times per day, if I had the time and energy. There is so much that has gone on and is still going on in my life, relating to my wife and children, that could serve as a warning to others.

I just have to be careful because I value my privacy and that of my family even more, which means I need to be vague and generic about some of the things I want to tell you, but that's not always easy or possible.

In the meantime, I'll say what I've probably said in cyberspace before: my time, money, and energy is taken up mostly by things I don't want to do, that I never wanted to be involved with, that I sought to avoid, all because I married and had children. If I had remained unmarried (and, by default, childfree), I could be doing things far more enjoyable and productive. I'm under constant unnecessary stress.

The Truth About Doctor Laura

It's time to expose THE TRUTH about Laura Schlessinger! I've got the goods on her. [This was originally posted in June 2016 and is still relevant.]

My Current Recommendations to Men

Do not marry.

Do not have children.

...unless you have no purpose in your life and you really need drama, aggravation, your days filled  with doing things for others that will often turn out to be complete wastes or received with not only a lack of gratitude, but complaining... AND you WANT to waste your money.

*****

UPDATE August 22, 2018: I first posted that, above, in April 2014. I am more certain than ever that most men should not marry (nor shack up), and since they should not marry, they should not have children.

She Digs Masculine Men

When I saw that today's Prager University video was going to be on masculinity, I braced for another video telling men that they should get married. We last addressed the Prager U videos doing that in this entry.

Let's look at the transcript they provided. (If you want to comment on the video, you can do so on YouTube in addition to commenting below.)

Rape, murder, war—they all have one thing in common: Men.

Taken by itself, this sentence ignores that women rape and women murder. And why does war happen? Sure, territory, resources, power... but why do the men engaged in war want those things? Quite often, a large part of it has to do with women. Women are attracted to men with money, power, and fame. War is one way men get those things.

Aggression, violence, ambition unchecked by conscience—all the stuff of “toxic masculinity,” right? 

And, the solution is obvious: make men less toxic. 

Make men less masculine. 

Make men more like women. 

But I’m here to tell you that this way of thinking is not only wrong, it’s dangerous.

Good.

Here’s why: When you try to make men more like women, you don’t get less “toxic masculinity,” you get more. 

Why? Because bad men don’t become good when they stop being men; they become good when they stop being bad.

Still good.

Aggression, violence, and unbridled ambition can’t be eliminated from the male psyche; they can only be harnessed. And when they are harnessed, they are tools for good, not for harm. 

The same masculine traits that bring destruction also defeat tyranny. The traits that foster greed also build economies. The traits that drive men to take foolish risks also drive men to take heroic risks. 

The answer to toxic masculinity isn’t less masculinity; it’s better masculinity. And we know what that looks like.

Still good.

It’s a young man opening the door for a girl on their first date. It’s a father working long hours to provide for his family.

Sigh. I just knew that was coming!

Guest Post: What Makes a Marriage Work

Someone identified as...

Lois E Brenneman, MSN, FNP

...has been leaving thoughtful comments here on this blog.

One such comment was after this blog's most popular entry, which has literally hundreds of comments, so it was easy to miss. So, I offered to post it as an entry. I want to make it clear that these are the opinions of Lois E Brenneman, not my opinions.

= = = = =

The key to a successful relationship - whether marriage, cohabitation or simply dating - is integrity

1. Don’t expect more from someone than what you are willing to give to them

2. Be clear and honest about what you are willing to do and what you expect from the other individual - no “hidden agendas”

3. Look for fairness and equity when resolving disputes. Don’t look for solutions which benefit only yourself at the expense of the other person.

4. Strive for a relationship where both individuals benefit from being associated with one another - try to create dynamics where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

5. Don’t expect perfection from your partner and realize you have your own set of flaws. Life is not a bed of roses - there will be ups and downs. Try to meet the other person’s needs to the best of your abilities - don’t only look out for your own needs.

There is no “magic formula” or written in stone “set of rules.” They key is to conduct yourself with integrity and expect integrity from your partner. Whether someone is a single mother or otherwise is not significant. The relevant factor is how you both conduct yourselves within the context of the relationship. I have been married for 25 years and it is a solid, healthy marriage. It is not all hearts and flowers and there have been good times and bad times. We are there for each other when the need arises. I was never looking for someone to take care of me. Rather, I was looking for a partner in life and, in return, I strive to be the best partner I can be with respect to my husband. I try to accommodate what is important to him. He has been there for me when I have needed him.

The most important factor leading to the success of any relationship is to put the other person’s needs ahead of your own (within reason, of course). When both parties do so, the relationship works. When it comes to dating and/or marriage, integrity matters above all else. If you are only seeking to have your own needs met - without regard to how doing so impacts the other person - the relationship will fall apart - guaranteed. It is but a matter of time.

= = = = =

There you have it.

Good Luck Finding Someone, Snooping Lady

I'll start off  again with my usual disclaimer about Dr. Laura: I love her show (obviously, since I listen to every minute of it), I think she's awesome, and I think she's done and continues to do a whole lot of good for people.

In the first hour of yesterday's (Tuesday, July 17, 2018) show, Dr. Laura gave answers to a woman who'd called in that seem very confusing when considering answers she's given to other women who had similar concerns. This was about the woman being concerned that the man she's with views "adult media". As I've pointed out before, her answers are different to women who are married-with-kids than to women who aren't married. I don't recall what her answers have been to women who were married and childless.

This call came about 31 minutes or so into the podcast of the first hour.

Ten months into a relationship, this caller went on a getaway with her boyfriend. As she was looking at pictures of the trip (which I inferred meant it happened AFTER the vacation), the caller saw some "pornography" on her boyfriend's phone. So she later returned to looking through his phone in order to see if she could find more.

This time, Dr. Laura didn't bother to ask what she asks married-with-kids women:

Married Fathers Do Better in the Workplace?

[Bumped up from Oct. 21, 2014 because it is still relevant.] On the episode of the Michael Medved Show still airing as I type this, Medved is talking about how a study says being a father can increase your success in the workplace while being a mother can limit your success in the workplace. While some of Medved's point is that men and women are different, he also again is trying to sell marriage to men. He cites all of the effort unmarried men put into "chasing women".

The problem with these statistics is that they lump everyone unmarried together. That means guys who can't get a date are lumped in with men who deliberately avoid marriage and fatherhood.

Things have changed a little bit since Medved was a single guy.

Today, the unmarried guys who aren't avoiding women entirely can spend very little time, money, or effort to get sex with a variety of women (thanks, feminism!).

Also, unmarried guys can work more and longer hours and don't have to check in with the "control tower" to get approval to do so. It is easier for unmarried, childless guys to go on business trips, network at happy hours and business lunches, and move for promotions. Married fathers are now expected by their wife/child to take time off to go to school, sporting, and performance events. That's a detriment to work.

Yes, there are the masses out there who let life wash over them and those guys who can't get dates because they have no game. However, there is a growing percentage of men who think these things through and are deliberately avoiding marriage and fatherhood and are better employees as a result.

I know with certainty that I was a better employee when I was single and childless. I know I'd also be taking home more pay, if not outright having a more advanced career.

In a culture in which women are becoming more and more difficult (more personality disorders, etc.), having a wife is increasingly becoming a liability to a man's career. (Remember, I'm talking about men dealing with women. If you're a woman, you might have found men increasingly problematic.)

When people like Medved tout stats about married men earning more, they want us to believe that marriage has "civilized" the man and encouraged him to work harder. But once again we're dealing with a correlation that could have a different explanation: maybe it is the men who are likely to earn more who attract a wife rather than the men who get married who are likely to earn more? Ever notice that women tend to prefer a man who earns more over one who doesn't earn as much? Implying that a man will do better professionally if he marries can be very misleading and set people up for failure.

Finally, even if I did earn more than I would have if I never married and never became a father, since half of my earnings legally belong to my wife, I'd have to earn twice as much to be personally better off. Also, so much of my money goes into raising the children. So a slightly better income is more than offset, isn't it?

Relief Pitcher Playing Until Jailbird Gets Out

Another day, another Dear Abby letter that is too "good" to pass up.

Brace yourselves.

STAY-AT-HOME-DAD wrote:

I am 32 and in a relationship with a 31-year-old single mother.

NO NO NO NO!!!

Her son, "Steven," is 7. Her daughter, "Jessica," is 15.

So "Mom" was pregnant by about age 16?

I am a stay-at-home dad.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAA! Of course they aren't married! He doesn't earn more than she does and she's at least smart enough not to sign a bad contract like that!

Both kids refer to me as "Dad," as I have been a part of Steven's life more than his (incarcerated) dad has ever been.

Watch her dump him and then wring child support from him, and then shack up with her stud once he gets out of prison.

Because I am a stay-at-home dad, this means I take Steven to various professional appointments, doctors, including a psychiatrist for ADHD, the dentist and various sports activities.

Yes, yes, you're a cuck.

I was informed three weeks ago Jessica is pregnant.

Of course she is! Like mother, like daughter! Provided Jessica doesn't have the child slaughtered, your shack up lover will be a 33 year-old grandma!

When I take our boy for doctor's visits, they always want guarantor information, and I always sign.

And you plan to pay with what money?

But after a recent checkup of his, I called for results and was outright lied to -- "We don't have the results back" -- and Jessica's doctor said they can't release any information to me.

Yeah, buddy, you're just the potential wallet and the free babysitter. You're not their dad. Sorry!!!

Abby, I'm in this for the long haul.

You might but is your girlfriend? Oh, it's going to be such a great situation when there's a baby, and you have to take care of the baby, and then the troubled boy gets hormonal... oh, this is going to be great. What a sucker. Wait until Jessica gets pregnant AGAIN!

If doctors will let me sign to pay their medical expenses but I can't have the results, what can I do?

PACK YOUR BAGS AND DISAPPEAR!

Dear Abby was no help, of course. She recommends birth control for Jessica. She didn't bother giving this guy a hint that he's being foolish.

This is Why "Friends First" Can Fail

Today's (6/15/2018) Dear Abby is an illustration of why some men opt to be that unreliable jerk "bad boy" who many women will fornicate with quickly without expecting much other than sex, or in hopes of "taming" him down the line. Such guys can go from woman to woman, especially younger women, and don't have to deal with much else.

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. With every year that passes, I fall more in love with him. He's a wonderful person who treats me very well. 

I could go on and on about how caring and considerate he is.

Awwwwww.

However, when it comes to being intimate, I'm just not interested. I have known him for so long and know him so well that, for me, the "spark" is extinguished. In some ways, he almost feels like a brother, which makes it difficult to have sexual feelings.

Translation: "If he were just coming over to hookup and treated me like dirt, I'd be so turned on by that. But living around his laundry and being friends, it's not there for me."

What's the lesson here? If you want passionate sex, don't tell a woman everything. Keep her guessing. Don't be her buddy. Don't live with her.

I tell him many times a day that I love him, because I do. I want him to know he's my best friend and I care deeply about him. We have tried role playing, games, sexy clothing, etc. -- nothing helps me. I go through the motions when I must, because I know it is one of the ways he expresses his love for me.

I give her credit for that. There are an awful lot of women who simple say "Forget it" and sexually reject him, let that menopausal mustache grow, wear frumpy clothes, pack on the pounds, etc.

I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to know how I can feel excited about being intimate again.

It might not be possible, which is one of the common trade-offs with marriage. But yes, at least try Dear Abby's advice of taking this to your OB/GYN, getting a referral to an endocrinologist, and if that doesn't solve it, a psychologist and sex therapist.

Or, unless you have some religious objection to it, come up with an "arrangement" with your husband, if he still wants passion. Make sure he's shooting blanks and help him find a surrogate or tell him to do it on his own but to be discreet. I don't think that's a good idea, but it's what some people do.

So all of you unmarried men, why aren't you rushing to get married???

Jerry Newcombe Finds False Hope in Prince Harry's Self-Sacrifice

Jerry Newcombe posted a marriage-selling column at Townhall.com under the headline "Marriage Is The Dream That Will Not Die".

June is the month of weddings.

Yes, where dreams go to die.

Now that the dust has completely settled from the mid-May wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, it’s interesting to note that the eyes of hundreds of millions around the world were looking at this whole event with great interest.

He was being extremely foolish. I'll be pleasantly be surprised if it works out for him.

How come---in light of the notion that marriage is just an antiquated institution these days?

Because people like parties and women are delusional with their princess fantasies and narcissists when it comes to relationships.

Marriage is ultimately a picture of Christ and His bride.

Sure, if you're talking about holy matrimony and not the abomination our culture now calls marriage. I mean really. Compare marriage from Israel 2,000 years ago to what was call marriage today in the West. There's very little resemblance.

Hey Anonymous Commenter: Stop Seeing Your Coworker

There are hundreds of comments on this blog's most popular entry, so it is easy to miss one. I'm addressing one in particular with this entry, but also below I will post an edited version of two recent comments on the same entry. I tend not to actually publish comments with "profanity", but if they're worthwhile, I'll address them like I'm doing here, edited.

Anonymous 6:36 AM:

Ok so, I'm not sure if anyone will read this or help me by responding but let me explain a bit on whats been going on. I'm 29 years old and have had my eye on this woman I work with for months,

WOAH!!! Hold up there.

If you care about your job, NEVER NEVER NEVER date a woman you work with, or who works for the same employer, or in the same location. NEVER!

Guys, do not ask them out.
Do not flirt with them.
Do not joke with them.
Do not socialize with them.
Do not compliment them.
Do not touch them (except for a handshake, when it is absolutely necessary). No hugs, no high-fives, no taps on the shoulder, no touching!!!
Do not look at them for more than a second at a time, and only in the eyes, or better yet, at their forehead.
Do not gossip or chit chat with them.
Do not talk about personal matters with them, or listen to them talk about personal matters.
Limit your interactions with women at work to what is STRICTLY NECESSARY per your job responsibilities.

When asked a personal question, redirect.

Example:

A Scandalous Skank

Today's Dear Abby featured what Tom Leykis calls a scandalous skank.

IS HE THE ONE FOR ME? wrote:

My husband and I are both active duty military. We have been married for three years and have an 18-month-old daughter together.

Who is raising that kid?

My husband is sweet, handsome and a great father.

So a great guy then, huh?

We got married very quickly, and I think that's where our problems began.

Yeah, you could have left out "very quickly" and it would have been the same.

He isn't good at communication or showing affection, which leaves me feeling lonely.

She just said he was sweet.

This, on top of being separated several times due to the military, makes for a very shaky marriage.

If only you could have known what jobs you'd have before you married!

OK, brace yourselves...

I have cheated on him with eight different people since our wedding. The affair I am most ashamed of was when I was pregnant with our daughter.

How does he even know that the kid is biologically his???

I'm currently in counseling, but I'm still unable to curb my cravings.

You had to have known you were like this. Why did you marry? Oh, that's right. MONEY AND BENEFITS!

He always forgives me and allows us to continue being married.

So, either this guy likes being walked all over, or he's banging every skirt around.

The problem is, I don't know if he's really the one for me.

Wasn't that supposed to be considered BEFORE AGREEING TO MARRY HIM???

Gee guys, why aren't you rushing to get married???

Don't Sign Up For This

Two letters to Dear Abby and an obituary notice are something to behold, guys.
A SECOND CHANCE wrote to Dear Abby:

Because I was sexually abused as a child, I have difficulty trusting men.

DONE. That's a big "DO NOT TOUCH" sign right there. That's how she started the letter.

My oldest sons have different fathers. While they were toddlers, I met the father of my youngest two sons.

She trusted three men enough to let them stick it in her and knock her up. Who knows how many other men have been there? Doesn't that take some level of trust?

Doctor Doctor Give Me the News

The first hour of Dr. Laura's show on Thursday, May 24, 2018 was a doozy. As I usually preface these notes about her show, I generally like Dr. Laura and think her show, books, etc. are great and I think she almost always gets it right. She typically does 15 hours of her show a week and she's bound to make mistakes here and here. OK???

There were three calls in that hour I wanted to mention here.

The first (not necessarily the first call, but the first I wanted to discuss) was from a married-with-kids guy who called up to say he was fat and wanted to lose weight. Dr. Laura blamed his wife for the kind of food that was in the house (such as potato chips) and told the caller that he needed to man up and perform the unexplained alpha male maneuver. He's supposed to "be alpha" and tell his wife to only bring healthy food into the house. She never told the guy how to do that. He's just supposed to magically do it somehow, even though his wife has her own mind, and since this was an American or Canadian guy, his wife has all of the real power (unless you want to get illegal). This is kind of like when Dr. Laura says her father saying illegal drugs were for losers/lowlifes, she was set on avoiding them. Yeah, great. But not all kids obey like that.

The second thing I wanted to discuss was Dr. Laura responding to a caller by bringing up a story from her private practice days. This is a repeated story (of course it is... when you've been doing a show a long as she has almost all will be repeated many times, and that's fine) about a set of Jewish parents upset that their son had converted to Christianity (Catholic, if I recall correctly from previous tellings). Dr. Laura says now (and told the family) that the son did it because they weren't being much of a family and the son found a family... The Father, Mother Mary, and Jesus the Son. She says it as though that had to be reason the son converted. He couldn't possibly have genuinely been convinced that this newfound faith was in something close to truth or somehow better or whatever word you want to use than whatever form of Judaism the family practiced. Now, maybe Dr. Laura is leaving something out of the story every time she tells it, or maybe that's what she really thinks. From many other things she's said, it seems to me that she doesn't think theology or religion in general matters all that much as long as you have something and it doesn't tell you to commit terrorism. She went through the trouble of becoming as practicing Orthodox Jew, and if I recall correctly from what I've read (which may not be accurate) she because disillusioned and stopped practicing after she felt betrayed by others... but I'm not sure what that has to do with whether or not Orthodox Judaism has it right. It makes sense if community was her priority above all else. Another example is that family cohesion is much more important to her than a spouse leaving what they perceive to be deception or false teachings or harmful practices, especially for what they sincerely think is the truth or better. To be fair, though, when parents call to complain that their (usually grown) child has left their religious organization or denomination, Dr. Laura usually tells them to accept it and not to interfere, because everyone has their own path.


Finally, she had a caller who had remarried even though they had minor kids (a big Dr. Laura no-no) and Dr. Laura went into comments about the generally kind of situation, saying that divorcing and remarrying means you can't expect kids to obey rules because you didn't.

Huh???

What rules tell people not to divorce and not to remarry when you have minor children? Dr. Laura's to be sure, but the kids usually don't know that. There are some religious groups that have restrictions but Dr. Laura other statements about religion (see above) imply those rules aren't tied to objective truth. What kid ever says, "Well, I don't have to follow the rules because you, mom, got divorced and remarried?" Now, what Dr. Laura has said at other times is relevant... that the kids are dragged through chaos and made to live with people who have not been their family all along and were not of their choosing, and that sometimes causes kids to act out. But that's not at all how she put it this time. She was very clear that the caller had broken some rule and so can't expect their kids to follow rules. But no parent is perfect. So by that reasoning, kids should never be expected to follow rules.

I hope the holiday weekend is a good break for her. There have been calls lately that had her missing some very important information clearly stated early on by the caller. I was thinking in those cases she must have gotten distracted by something. She's usually right on target and very, very good.

Canadian Men Shouldn't Fall For It Either

Here we go again! Canada has gone misandrist-matriarchal and people there can't understand why more people aren't getting married.

This time, either Peter Shawn Taylor was duped or he's trying to dupe readers under the headline of "The Marriage Secret: It Makes Your Richer and Happier" (I know, try not to laugh.)

Earlier this week a survey of 1,520 Canadians by the Angus Reid Institute asked “When two people plan to spend the rest of their lives together, how important is it to you that they legally marry, meaning exchange vows in a public ceremony, whether civil or religious?”

Exchanging vows is not the same thing as signing a contract that's mostly about wealth transfer. I'm not sure how Canadian law works, so maybe you can't exchange vows without it bringing on the legal contract, but let's not pretend that people promising to care for each other henceforth is the same thing as the wealth transfer mechanism. People could care for each other without sharing finances. Really, they could.

Fifty-three per cent said it wasn’t important. According to the pollster, this means a majority of Canadians now think “marriage is simply not necessary.”

Nobody should be surprised by this. When people can get literally everything they want out of a relationship without a government contract, when a country has decided that marriage is about the feelings of adults above all else and thus two women can marry and that a groom is no different than a bride, when husbands have been denigrated constantly in media, isn't this result to be expected???

In 1981, over 60 per cent of Canadians above the age of 15 were married; today that’s fallen to 45 per cent as cohabitating couples and lone parent households rise in step.

And, people are getting married later and divorcing (earlier). And who thinks 15 year-old should be marrying in this day and age?!?

Beyond the ring and the ceremony, marriage offers substantial and persistent benefits in terms of health, wealth and well-being for both spouses and their children.

It does appear to have some benefits for children, but those are almost entirely about the behavior of the parents. Parents can behave that way without a state contract, however. And it certainly has benefits to a woman who earns less than her husband: guaranteed financial support, and tagging him with paternity even if she got knocked up by the pool boy. It doesn't actually have any proven benefits for breadwinning husbands that they can't get without being legally married.

Many of these advantages are not present to the same degree in cohabitation arrangements—despite the fact Canadians apparently don’t see any difference between the two types of relationships.

Sure, when you take all cohabitation arrangements and compare them to all marriages. But what happens when you compare compare cohabitation arrangements that were deliberately planned between two independent, established adults? And we really don't know if any specific cohabitating couple would be better off if they married instead. We can't compare them to themselves.

Making Life More Difficult

Tom Leykis has recalled multiple times on his show how a woman who was living with him (I can't remember if he was married to her or not... I think he was) and had "lost" her job and appeared to be content to do whatever she wanted all day (since there were no kids). He came home from work, asked he what was for dinner, and she said she had already eaten, and since he had two hands, he could make his own dinner. She then proceeded to watch him prepare his own meal and criticized how he was doing it.

I think about that story when my wife tells me things she doesn't want me to do, but she offers no alternative solution.

A recent example of this is that we have a child who has been going to school without having had any breakfast. On days I work and my kids have school, I don't see this child before I leave. I tried preparing various things for breakfast this child likes, but usually that stuff has been left untouched due to lack of time. If the child does consume some of the breakfast on the way to school, being driven by my wife, it often becomes trash I have to later clean out from the vehicle.

My wife and this child will not wake up any earlier to make and consume breakfast.

So, I've been leaving packaged nutrition drinks because the kids like them and they give my child nutrients and is handy and less of a mess.

My wife keeps angrily telling me not to get these drinks. She thinks they are unnecessary and a waste.

But she doesn't offer a workable alternative. She no doubt expects me, the person who works full time outside the home, unlike her, to somehow come up with another solution, which will probably involve more hassle for me.

Likewise, my wife almost never cooks for us. Rather, I'm expected to prepare food for her and the kids as well as myself. This doesn't stop her from telling me to NOT pick up food on the way home from errands. Nah, why would  I wanted to save myself time and trouble when I can spend more time in the kitchen?

Don't get married, guys.

Why Are Men Expected to Pay For Dates?

Here is something I posted back in 2007. I will add some thoughts at the end. (- Me, 2015)



*****

Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with the dating game anymore, but my children will.

I’m mostly a traditional guy. I do recognize that times change, however. With that in mind, I have to wonder why it is that men are still expected to pay for dates? To me, this harkens back to an age when young unmarried women lived in either their father or brother’s home and cared for their younger siblings, nieces, or nephews, did the laundry, the cooking, and general cleaning, and didn’t work outside of the home or the family business. Their brother or their father was their protector and literally their representative, as women did not have voting rights until well into the twentieth century. Before the automobile culture, men would court women by going to where they lived – which was their father or brother’s home - and spending time with them in front of a bunch of other people – mostly her family members. Until the modern feminist movement, women were still expected to be homebodies or perhaps work as a school teacher, secretary, or waitress until getting married. It made sense in the past for men to be expected to pay the costs of a date.

Times have changed a lot. Women are now in every career field out there and positions of power. They make up the majority of college students. Women have the same access and privileges men do. They earn their own money and manage their own financial matters.

So why are men still expected to pay for dates?

Yes, there women who insist on “going Dutch” at least some of the time, but by and large, women still expect men to pay for dates - even if they make that half-hearted reach into their purse as if they’re going to offer to pay their half - and they hold it against a man if he doesn’t pay for it all.

Why is this? I mean, clearly lesbians and Britney Spears have proven that women can not only pay their share, but they can support men. But we still hear a lot of men join women in saying, “Real men pay for the date.” Why?

These are the reasons I’ve heard people give:
1. It is tradition.
2. Because he asked for the date (whomever asks, pays).
3. Because she spends so much money on looking good for her date.
4. Because men earn more money.
5. Because he is paying for her time.
6. Because he is expected to be the provider, and paying for dates is a demonstration of his ability to provide.

Let’s look at these reasons one-by-one.

It is tradition. As I wrote above, this tradition harkens back to when women were always under the authority/protection of a male and didn’t earn income for themselves. Those traditions are long gone. It is also tradition that sex was saved for marriage. Why be inconsistent when sticking to tradition?

Because he asked for the date (whomever asks, pays). This one is flimsy, considering that men are also expected to ask for the date. My question might as well be “Why are men expected to ask for the date?”

Because she spends so much money on looking good for her date. Yes, and she does that for her own benefit. The more attractive she is, the more and better choices she will have. Men spend money building nests. They are expected to have a nice car and a nice place to live. This is a poor justification for letting the financial burden of a date fall on the man.

Because men earn more money. Men, as a sex, do earn more money than women, as a sex. HOWEVER, studies show that a woman doing the same amount, kind, and quality of work as a man gets paid the same as a man. So, this one doesn’t hold up, either.

Because he is paying for her time. That makes her a professional - therapist, counselor, prostitute… you decide. Why is her time more valuable than his? And if he is paying for her time, she'd better be extremely attentive to him and pleasant with him.

Because he is expected to be the provider, and paying for dates is a demonstration of his ability to provide. He can easily demonstrate his ability to provide without paying for her share of the date. Wouldn’t he prove that he will be a better provider if he is self-respecting and confident enough to demand that she pay her own way and he save his money for investing so that his future wife and kids will have a better life?

Looks the reasoning for men to continue to pay for dates is rather flimsy. Let’s face it - women just enjoy the drinks, food, gifts, and entertainment at someone else’s expense. That’s understandable, but that's freeloading.

Why Women Should Pay Their Half

I can think of a few reasons why women should pay their own way.

1. To avoid “obligations”. Many men expect something for their money. Most men are dating with sex as a goal, even if they are willing to get married before they have sex - sex is still a main goal. Thus, a lot of men lose respect for a woman who is willing to sleep with him because he spent money on her, especially since she has the ability to pay her own way. If she doesn’t sleep with him, then in this guy's mind she is a tease or is just using him for freebies, unless she really is looking for a husband and has made it clear she won’t sleep with anyone before marriage, no matter how much they shell out.

2. For a legitimate vote in the date. If a woman is paying her way, she has a legitimate say in how the date goes. She can ask to go to a more expensive restaurant, for example. Demanding a more expensive date if you're not paying is sheer hubris.

3. To demonstrate equality. Are you equal? Prove it.

In conclusion, women have just as many opportunities as men now, and so they should pay their own way on dates. If you have a good reason why a man should still be expected to pay for dates, I’d like to hear it.

*****

[From 2015]

I think this entry still holds up well. In recent years, I've heard Dr. Laura say men pay for dates (and have to jump through other hoops) because men value that for which they have to work. In other words, if it is too easy for a man to get, he won't value it. So ladies, tell your man that before he comes home, he has to run around the block ten times. That way, he'll value coming home. But seriously, what does thus imply about women? It is implies either that they don't value that for which they have to work, or it doesn't matter if they value it or not. Or am I missing something?

As far as I can tell, there are two real reasons why men are expected to pay for dates:

1) The inertia of customs. It's an outdated holdover from which women benefit. If women didn't benefit from this custom, it would have been scrapped a long time ago. It's like when I carry around an umbrella a week after it has stopped raining  even though it is not likely to rain again for months. Only, in this case, women are benefiting from that umbrella so they aren't going to tell me I should leave the umbrella home.

2) Supply and demand. As unromantic, crude, crass, or cynical as it sounds, it's just another way men are expected to pay for sex (honest prostitution and alimony being some other ways), because the average man wants sex more than the average woman. I'd like to deny this (that it is about men paying for sex), but mulling it over, it don't see this as false. We like to pretend otherwise, but when you get down to the bare bones of the matter, this is ultimately what's going on. If someone can demonstrate otherwise, the romantic in me really wants to see that.

It's Too Late

Suzanne Venker, who has been one of the women who has expressed awareness of misandrist elements in our culture, posted an entry on her blog, which is "for a marriage-minded woman", that caught my attention. The title is "An Open Letter to American Men: Here's What Modern Women Want".

Now, before we get into the body of the blog entry, I wanted to address the title.

A growing percentage of men don't care what a modern woman wants.

The MGTOW movement and similar reactions to misandry have men swearing off marriage, shacking up, supposedly exclusive relationships, and, for many, dating at all.

This reminds me of a story Tom Leykis tells about when he was trying to get a woman to move out of his house. And yes, it was his house. She had no claim to it, by design. In his telling, he takes her to a therapist because she's ignoring his statements that he wants her to leave. In session, Leykis explains that it is over and he wants her out, and her reaction is, "What about all of the bad things he does?"

It's not a negotiation!

This is like when someone decides they do not want to buy any car on that car lot at all, and they leave, and the salesperson calls after him and says, "Here's what we're going to need from you."

We're not looking to buy the cow anymore, ladies. We might not even care to drink milk. Heaven forbid my wife leave or die any time soon, but if I were to find myself unmarried again, I would never, ever get into another supposedly exclusive relationship ever again, and thus I wouldn't care what modern women want. And I'm doing what I can so that other men won't care, either.

But let's take a look anyway, shall we?

I'm Not Done Yet

Someone left a comment after my entry telling men  "You Don't Need a Wife" and I thought it deserved a response in this entry.

Why do you keep writing this blog?

Because I want to.

It's cathartic.

It helps me think through things.

Other men need to be warned that, most likely, they shouldn't marry nor have children. Some men (and women) have expressed that this blog has helped them.

Women don’t need husbands either.

Great! Independent women are great. Of course independent women don't need alimony or taxpayer assistance, which comes more from men than women, or a man to pay their bills.

We. Get. it.

If you don't get anything out of reading this blog, don't. There's so much else to do. Here's a link to a company that will help you find other things. But my guess is that you do get something out of reading this blog, which is why you have and why you commented.

You’re miserable!

Hmm. Well my marriage ranges from misery to a limited, pleasant friendship of necessity, and I can see the possibility of my children turning out to be monsters, but I'm not generally a miserable person. I find ways to enjoy life, even if I'm seriously hindered.

It’s never going to get any better for you.

It might not. I'm not counting on it getting better "if only I pay my dues" or something like that. My main goal right now is to live long enough to get the kids raised. Meanwhile, I will always think about ways to make life better within the obligations and responsibilities I have.

I’ve read your reasons for not divorcing. Get over it. You’re young enough to restart your life. You’ll be better off financially and emotionally in the long run.

I find it hard to believe I'd be better off financially after losing half of everything, paying for two legal teams, having to pay alimony for the rest of my life, and having to pay child support until my children are through college.

She’ll find someone else. The kids will survive with at least one parent with a healthy mindset.

I wouldn't want my kids around any person who would want to take up with my wife. She has far, far lower marriage market value than when we married, so the person who'd take up with her at this points would probably be a real piece of work. I wouldn't want her to have the kids by herself, either. And I wouldn't wish her, and especially her with the kids, on any man.

Even if my marriage was GREAT, it's still true that most men don't need a wife.