[Update: Recently (June 2016) someone sent Dr. Laura Bingo into the show and she republished it. I think mine is better.]
Only a true fan could come up with this.
Please see explanatory notes below.
1) Shares Her Personal Life (sailing, dogs, exercises)
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2) Pressures Caller, Perhaps to Fabrication
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3) Just Accept It Because You Have No Power
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4) 2nd Marriages Are Less Important
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5) Caller Really Needs a Doctor, Lawyer, or Accountant
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6) Tells Caller in a Partnership to Take Unilateral Action
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7) Caller Falsely Claims Not to Know
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8) Caller Gets MA'AMED or SIRRED or Whistled
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9) It’s Not Really Marriage w/o Shared Accounts
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10) There’s No Commitment w/o Marriage
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11) Hoping/
Wishing/
Feeling Doesn’t Cut It
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12) Hangs Up on Caller
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13) Clueless Caller Type #1 (has radio turned up, etc.)
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14) Dating is Only For Marriage
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15) Marriage Isn't Really a Commitment w/o Children
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16) Gets Annoyed at a Caller’s Theism
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17) Tells a Man "What a Man Does".
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18) Clueless Caller Type #2 (not a listener)
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19) Sounds Like She Treats Dating/Marriage as Prostitution
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20) Minors and Technology
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21) Tells Caller to Be More Like a Wild Animal
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22) Tells Caller to Be Less Like a Wild Animal
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23) Think of Your Husband or Kid As a Dog
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24) Caller Lacked Psychic Sexual Knowledge
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25) Appeals to Her Childhood
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1) She makes reference to sailing/exercising/her dogs (not to make a point to a caller, just to share with the audience.) I like getting these glimpses into her personal life.
2) Especially when a caller says "I don’t know", she pressures a caller into revealing something the caller doesn't want to, or doesn't think is relevant, or hasn't thought through before. Most of the time, this is an effective and necessary tactic for helping people. There are occasions, however, when I think her pressure (which is also due to the limited time the format allows) causes the caller to make something up and then the caller has to sound definitive about it. This can also apply when a caller talks about their guess or their feelings, and Dr. Laura demands a definitive fact.
3) Dr. Laura often has great suggestions on tactics and techniques for various situations, but sometimes she either doesn't or doesn't want to give them because she's making a point to the audience, and so she tells a caller to just accept that someone will continue to do wrong since the caller has no LEGAL power to force it to stop/change. You can also count this space if someone is not happy with the actions of their stepchild or how their spouse treats the stepchildren or their own (see #4).
4) Dr. Laura's views of second (or third, etc.) marriages (or marrying when already having children by someone else) are largely different than her views of first marriages. So, mark this space if she tells someone they are replaceable, or supports a customized prenup, or encourages a divorce even though there's no physical danger, or otherwise implies the marriage is less valid or important or worthwhile as a first marriage (see #3). It should be noted that usually this is about parental obligations, and Dr. Laura cares more about children than adults having a second (or third, or fourth) chance at keeping a marriage together.
5) The caller's issue really needs a medical doctor, an attorney, and/or an accountant, and so Dr. Laura can't help them, and even if there a moral issue, Dr. Laura will usually defer. This is something that happens with lots of other shows, too.
6) This usually applies to marriage or parenting, when she tells a caller to "inform" a spouse they're going to do something that spouse is likely to disagree with. Some examples: "I'm quitting work and staying home to raise the kids even though our plan all along had been to have us both working." or telling a man that, because he's the man, he should somehow stop his wife from doing something (even though he has no power to do so, because his wife can have him kicked out of the house and hauled to jail with one call to 9-1-1.) "Go home to your mother and take the kids." Sometimes "There's no 'try', you just DO." applies. While what she's telling the caller is almost always right, it still often depends on the other half of the partnership not being willing to go through the trouble to continue the conflict.
7) See #2. Most of the time, when a caller says "I don't know," they aren't being truthful.
8) A caller is talking and Dr. Laura wants them to stop, perhaps because she doesn't like what they are saying, or because there's little time, or because Dr. Laura needs to address something, or because they caller just wants to ramble on getting their planned gripes or gossip out. Dr. Laura might yell "MA'AM, MA'AM, MA'AM or "SIR, SIR, SIR" and/or whistle.
9) You've made vows during a religious and legal marriage ceremony, are living together, have sex every day, do things together, are taking care of each other, and have children together, but it isn't really a marriage if your finances aren't mostly comingled or either of you has unshared passwords or there is a customized prenup (this is for first marriages. See #4). Marriage, in the case of first marriages, must mean that most of what you have is community property; that your legal contract obligates sharing of income.
10) It doesn't matter what you've said, done, or promised with each other and even had children together, and he is paying all or most of your bills. This is virtually the only area of life where there is no moral/social/personal commitment or rules of conduct without a legal contract (see #9). Living together and agreements to monogamy aren't really a commitment and there are no rules because there was no legally-recognized marriage ceremony. This takes a high view of marriage, faulting shacking up for devaluing marriage.
11) When a caller mentions the words "hope", "wish", "feel" or some equivalent, as in, "I feel she's going to come to her senses", Dr. Laura will usually slap down hope or start singing "When You Wish Upon a Star" or say "I'm not asking about your feelings/how you feel."
12) Sometimes callers are just too evil, obstinate, irritating, or resistant and Dr. Laura will rightly hang up on them, often with terse, razor-sharp "And you have a good day."
13) Type #1 is a caller who used to listen but was clueless Dr. Laura has been on Sirius XM for years, or has their radio on, or is using a speakerphone or has a bad connection, or mentions the screener... basically any "stupid caller tricks". It also counts if the caller ups the ante or does the call backward, or claims to have done something already. This is common to other shows, too.
14) According to Dr. Laura, very few people, if any, should be dating unless they want to get married and are prepared to get married (See #9, 15, 19) You should not be enjoying the company of the other sex otherwise. She implies the only reason to be in a relationship or date is to get married and/or that everyone wants to be with someone, and every woman wants to get married.
15) Marriage isn't really a commitment without children. (Please ignore #10) Often this will be where Dr. Laura says, "You made a mistake. Go home to your mother." Sometimes, rather than addressing a problem in a marriage, her advice is to separate or divorce because there are no children and it's less risky than spending lots of time trying to address the problem and failing.
16) A caller mentions prayer or thanks God or otherwise implies God gets involved in human events/our personal lives, and Dr. Laura counters, disagrees, or finds it annoying, irritating, or offensive. To be fair, I agree when someone uses God as an excuse not to take action that God has delegated to them, but a Biblically-based Christian mindset is that God is eminent and involved. Dr. Laura isn't a Christian but the callers often are. They are calling her for advice, though. They are free to consult with their clergy.
17) Dr. Laura tells a male caller (or someone calling about a male) what she likes men to do, but she phrases it as "...what a man does..." It counts if she implies men should not play video games, like movies involving fantasy, or have Facebook accounts.
18) Type #2 The caller has no idea (unlike those who express fear) Dr. Laura is going to rip them to shreds because they are clueless about her positions on fornication, deviating from monogamy, abortion, daycare, preschool, after-school daycare, shacking up, unwed parenting, dating while having custody of minor children, or second marriages (see #4) or had done some (other) terrible thing that regular listeners will know Dr. Laura will stomp all over.
19) Implies men are living ATMs and/or should not date (see #14) unless they are currently able (and will continue) to financially support a wife and kids, or tells women they are "unpaid whores" (if they are shacking up) or should get paid for sex or are hurting the demand for prostitutes, or that women shouldn't pay for dates.
20) Minors don't need/shouldn't have any of electronic gadgetry she didn't have at their age (cell phones, tablets, computers, etc.)
21) She cites amoebas, birds, or any other wild animal as an example of what a caller should do.
22) Negatively likens a caller's bad behavior to a wild animal instead of a morally upright human.
23) She talks about training dogs and wants the caller to apply that to her husband or child.
24) Insists caller should have realized sexual issues/dysfunction/incompatibility with their spouse before marrying even though she generally encourages traditional morality when it comes to sex, which would imply that there shouldn't have been sex going on before they were married. (Most of her callers DID have sex with their spouse prior to marriage, so yes, in those cases, they should not have ignored red flags.) This also includes when Dr. Laura tells a wife that her husband, with whom she's been having sex three times per week for 15 years, is gay (bisexuality doesn't exist on the show) because, among the porn he viewed, there were some pictures of men.
25)This includes everything from "when I was a kid" or "in the day" or how she respected her father's opinion or rules (as though every child today will likewise fall in line under their parent's command) or when she tells a teen girl who couldn't care less that everyone now knows she's done something sexual with a boy, as if the "reputation" thing still works the same way today as it did in the 1950s/early 1960s. Unfortunately, things have changed a lot since Dr. Laura was a kid.
2) Especially when a caller says "I don’t know", she pressures a caller into revealing something the caller doesn't want to, or doesn't think is relevant, or hasn't thought through before. Most of the time, this is an effective and necessary tactic for helping people. There are occasions, however, when I think her pressure (which is also due to the limited time the format allows) causes the caller to make something up and then the caller has to sound definitive about it. This can also apply when a caller talks about their guess or their feelings, and Dr. Laura demands a definitive fact.
3) Dr. Laura often has great suggestions on tactics and techniques for various situations, but sometimes she either doesn't or doesn't want to give them because she's making a point to the audience, and so she tells a caller to just accept that someone will continue to do wrong since the caller has no LEGAL power to force it to stop/change. You can also count this space if someone is not happy with the actions of their stepchild or how their spouse treats the stepchildren or their own (see #4).
4) Dr. Laura's views of second (or third, etc.) marriages (or marrying when already having children by someone else) are largely different than her views of first marriages. So, mark this space if she tells someone they are replaceable, or supports a customized prenup, or encourages a divorce even though there's no physical danger, or otherwise implies the marriage is less valid or important or worthwhile as a first marriage (see #3). It should be noted that usually this is about parental obligations, and Dr. Laura cares more about children than adults having a second (or third, or fourth) chance at keeping a marriage together.
5) The caller's issue really needs a medical doctor, an attorney, and/or an accountant, and so Dr. Laura can't help them, and even if there a moral issue, Dr. Laura will usually defer. This is something that happens with lots of other shows, too.
6) This usually applies to marriage or parenting, when she tells a caller to "inform" a spouse they're going to do something that spouse is likely to disagree with. Some examples: "I'm quitting work and staying home to raise the kids even though our plan all along had been to have us both working." or telling a man that, because he's the man, he should somehow stop his wife from doing something (even though he has no power to do so, because his wife can have him kicked out of the house and hauled to jail with one call to 9-1-1.) "Go home to your mother and take the kids." Sometimes "There's no 'try', you just DO." applies. While what she's telling the caller is almost always right, it still often depends on the other half of the partnership not being willing to go through the trouble to continue the conflict.
7) See #2. Most of the time, when a caller says "I don't know," they aren't being truthful.
8) A caller is talking and Dr. Laura wants them to stop, perhaps because she doesn't like what they are saying, or because there's little time, or because Dr. Laura needs to address something, or because they caller just wants to ramble on getting their planned gripes or gossip out. Dr. Laura might yell "MA'AM, MA'AM, MA'AM or "SIR, SIR, SIR" and/or whistle.
9) You've made vows during a religious and legal marriage ceremony, are living together, have sex every day, do things together, are taking care of each other, and have children together, but it isn't really a marriage if your finances aren't mostly comingled or either of you has unshared passwords or there is a customized prenup (this is for first marriages. See #4). Marriage, in the case of first marriages, must mean that most of what you have is community property; that your legal contract obligates sharing of income.
10) It doesn't matter what you've said, done, or promised with each other and even had children together, and he is paying all or most of your bills. This is virtually the only area of life where there is no moral/social/personal commitment or rules of conduct without a legal contract (see #9). Living together and agreements to monogamy aren't really a commitment and there are no rules because there was no legally-recognized marriage ceremony. This takes a high view of marriage, faulting shacking up for devaluing marriage.
11) When a caller mentions the words "hope", "wish", "feel" or some equivalent, as in, "I feel she's going to come to her senses", Dr. Laura will usually slap down hope or start singing "When You Wish Upon a Star" or say "I'm not asking about your feelings/how you feel."
12) Sometimes callers are just too evil, obstinate, irritating, or resistant and Dr. Laura will rightly hang up on them, often with terse, razor-sharp "And you have a good day."
13) Type #1 is a caller who used to listen but was clueless Dr. Laura has been on Sirius XM for years, or has their radio on, or is using a speakerphone or has a bad connection, or mentions the screener... basically any "stupid caller tricks". It also counts if the caller ups the ante or does the call backward, or claims to have done something already. This is common to other shows, too.
14) According to Dr. Laura, very few people, if any, should be dating unless they want to get married and are prepared to get married (See #9, 15, 19) You should not be enjoying the company of the other sex otherwise. She implies the only reason to be in a relationship or date is to get married and/or that everyone wants to be with someone, and every woman wants to get married.
15) Marriage isn't really a commitment without children. (Please ignore #10) Often this will be where Dr. Laura says, "You made a mistake. Go home to your mother." Sometimes, rather than addressing a problem in a marriage, her advice is to separate or divorce because there are no children and it's less risky than spending lots of time trying to address the problem and failing.
16) A caller mentions prayer or thanks God or otherwise implies God gets involved in human events/our personal lives, and Dr. Laura counters, disagrees, or finds it annoying, irritating, or offensive. To be fair, I agree when someone uses God as an excuse not to take action that God has delegated to them, but a Biblically-based Christian mindset is that God is eminent and involved. Dr. Laura isn't a Christian but the callers often are. They are calling her for advice, though. They are free to consult with their clergy.
17) Dr. Laura tells a male caller (or someone calling about a male) what she likes men to do, but she phrases it as "...what a man does..." It counts if she implies men should not play video games, like movies involving fantasy, or have Facebook accounts.
18) Type #2 The caller has no idea (unlike those who express fear) Dr. Laura is going to rip them to shreds because they are clueless about her positions on fornication, deviating from monogamy, abortion, daycare, preschool, after-school daycare, shacking up, unwed parenting, dating while having custody of minor children, or second marriages (see #4) or had done some (other) terrible thing that regular listeners will know Dr. Laura will stomp all over.
19) Implies men are living ATMs and/or should not date (see #14) unless they are currently able (and will continue) to financially support a wife and kids, or tells women they are "unpaid whores" (if they are shacking up) or should get paid for sex or are hurting the demand for prostitutes, or that women shouldn't pay for dates.
20) Minors don't need/shouldn't have any of electronic gadgetry she didn't have at their age (cell phones, tablets, computers, etc.)
21) She cites amoebas, birds, or any other wild animal as an example of what a caller should do.
22) Negatively likens a caller's bad behavior to a wild animal instead of a morally upright human.
23) She talks about training dogs and wants the caller to apply that to her husband or child.
24) Insists caller should have realized sexual issues/dysfunction/incompatibility with their spouse before marrying even though she generally encourages traditional morality when it comes to sex, which would imply that there shouldn't have been sex going on before they were married. (Most of her callers DID have sex with their spouse prior to marriage, so yes, in those cases, they should not have ignored red flags.) This also includes when Dr. Laura tells a wife that her husband, with whom she's been having sex three times per week for 15 years, is gay (bisexuality doesn't exist on the show) because, among the porn he viewed, there were some pictures of men.
25)This includes everything from "when I was a kid" or "in the day" or how she respected her father's opinion or rules (as though every child today will likewise fall in line under their parent's command) or when she tells a teen girl who couldn't care less that everyone now knows she's done something sexual with a boy, as if the "reputation" thing still works the same way today as it did in the 1950s/early 1960s. Unfortunately, things have changed a lot since Dr. Laura was a kid.
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