A New Year Is Here

You don't have to wait for the New Year to make positive changes in your life, though a lot of people do. With that in mind, I urge you, dear reader, and myself (I'm writing to myself as much as anyone), to examine yourself.

What are your priorities? What is important in life? Are you spending your time, money, and energy accordingly? Do your thoughts, utterances, and actions make things better?

Are you happy?

Being happy, for the most part, is a choice. Perspective and a change in attitude make an enormous difference.

If you are married, what are you doing to make your spouse's life better? If you want to get married, what are you doing to prepare yourself to be a spouse?

We all have room for improvement. I have quite a bit. What are we doing about it?

Are you letting life wash over you, or are you using your God-given resources to reach your goals, thereby helping others? All good goals help others, even if indirectly. Making a lot of money means you did something for other people that they found to be of value - enough value to pay you a lot of money.

Romancing your spouse, exercising, eating better, cutting wasteful spending, getting informed and active in the community and in elections, learning something new that is fun and useful, removing toxic people from our lives... there are so many ways we can make things better.

God (or, if you are an atheist - nature) and our Constitution, even as much as our Constitution has been ignored, allow us to have a lot of control over our lives. Let's not squander that freedom.

I pray this New Year is a good one for you, and I pray that I am a better person this year. Some of you have blogs I find helpful in that they make me think and give me someone else's perspective. I hope I do the same for you. Thanks for reading!

Did You Knock Up Juana Perez Valencia?

Nineteen-year-old Juana Perez Valencia, of Anaheim, has been charged with one felony count of murder after her newborn baby girl was found dead. Gerrick Kennedy reports in this LATimes.com blog entry.

Valencia is believed to have given birth to the infant Dec. 22 in the restroom of Sombrero’s Mexican restaurant in Stanton. The baby, apparently healthy at birth and weighing 6.3 pounds, was found in a plastic bag in a trash bin behind the restaurant.

So very sad.

Under California’s "safe surrender" law, a parent or legal guardian can confidentially surrender an infant 3 days old or younger to any hospital emergency room or fire station. No prosecution is sought against those who safely surrender a newborn.

And, I'll add - there are no strings attached. You don't even have to answer questions or identify yourself.

Women have more choices than ever before to avoid being responsible for a living baby:

--Various kinds of adoption
--Safe Surrender
--Various forms of abortion, including pills that induce early abortions
--Many different contraceptive pharmaceuticals and devices
--Tubal ligation
--Hysterectomy
--Oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries)
--Choosing not to engage in intercourse at any given moment

Yet, this stuff is still happening all of the time. It just goes to show you that no matter how many options there are (not all of which I think are okay, but they are there and legal), some people will still choose to do the wrong thing and the illegal thing.

We can't excuse this behavior based on hormones, unless we are prepared to grant men with high testosterone levels passes on rape. That babies can't speak up for themselves like rape victims should not make a difference. In both cases, we are talking about violating someone else's rights. Clearly, she was desperate – but only because of her prior choices. She had many months to deal with this situation.

With more choices comes more responsibility. I say we should be even harder on this sort of crime given the legality of abortion (which I consider murder in most cases). Sadly, the opposite tends to be true. Thanks in part to the "right" to abortion, some people don't see post-partum infanticide the same as murder of say, a 15-year-old.

I know women who fume with rage when they here stories like this one, because they would love to be able to experience pregnancy and childbirth, and have been unable to do so, some of them even with expensive and troublesome treatments and procedures.

But regardless of what anyone else wants – that was an innocent human being that was murdered.

Finally – as my title suggests – I want to know what waste of human potential, what sorry example of manhood, figured it was a good idea to impregnate a young woman who was not suitable to be a mother and had not taken enough precaution to avoid pregnancy? Let's not forget there is some guy out there who messed up big time. Yes, guys lose a lot of power once the sperm leaves their body, and almost all subsequent choices are up to the female from that point on – but he did have that choice. For decency's sake – if you won't stop fornicating, at least try to choose a woman who can handle the situation, and wear a good condom – better yet, get a vasectomy.

Shoe is on the Other Foot

I often read or hear complaints from husbands that their wives have little or no interest in sex, even after being a "lot of fun" leading up to the wedding. In this instance, the show is on the other foot. "Iceberg’s Wife" wrote in to Dear Margo:

My husband of 16 years is a nice guy and a good father. We rarely argue and, in fact, get along companionably.

Good.

The problem is that six months into our marriage he lost interest in sex.

And you still made babies with him?

I keep myself attractive and initiate sex often, but he is rarely in the mood.

Maybe he doesn't want you to initiate. Some guys are funny that way. Me, I wouldn't mind if my wife initiated every single time (except that I know she wants me to initiate some times). As far as keeping yourself attractive – maybe there is something (cutting your hair off) that you did to turn him off. Still, a normal, healthy heterosexual husband would not be holding out on you like this.

Throughout the course of our marriage, we have gone through dry spells that have lasted for months and even years. Sometimes things will improve for a week or two and then go back to draught.

I have told him repeatedly that this is important to me.

That alone should prompt him to act. It would be the loving thing to do (same goes when the sexes are reversed). My basic rule with this is that the married couple should go by the higher sex drive between the two. It shouldn't be a chore. The exception is when someone really does have a drive that is so hyper that obligations - such as paying the bills and parenting - suffer as a result. But hey, if you can do it three times a day and still maintain a life - GOOD FOR YOU.

He doesn't think sex is a big deal and says he just doesn't have the drive. I know he can raise the flagpole - he just doesn’t want to do anything about it. He does not feel that he needs to see a doctor or therapist.

So really, there is nothing you can do to get him to participate.

Would I be putting my happiness before that of my children’s if I left, as they adore their father? Is lack of sex a good enough reason to leave a marriage?

You should leave – after the younger of your two children is 18. Your husband has broken his marital vows in a big way, and life is too short to go without sex when you clearly signed up for it. Now, you may not find a suitable replacement. So there's a small chance you will be giving up something (a "nice guy" you otherwise get along with) without gaining what you seek. But I think the odds are greater than you would be able to find a suitable husband who would enjoy meeting your sexual needs.

Why he is breaking the vows doesn't matter if he won't work on it, but it is still fun to speculate. It could be one or more of the following:

1. She is delusional; she has become quite hideous/nagging after getting him to "sign on the dotted line". This is unlikely.
2. She is leaving something out – perhaps that he didn't want to have children. Also not likely, but he could simply hate her.
3. He is a closeted homosexual, and she is his beard.
4. He has psychological/emotional problems that were amplified once she became his wife/mother of his children. Perhaps he prefers "the whore" instead of "the Madonna"? I would include a porn habit in this category.
5. Despite his apparent ability to get an erection, perhaps there is a physiological problem.
6. He's getting it elsewhere. This is also unlikely, as guys who do that still tend to take it from the wife when it is offered.

I'd say #3 and #4 are the most likely reasons.

One of my common statements here is that marriage isn't for everyone. This sounds like a guy who shouldn't have gotten married, and that he mislead this woman. As I wrote above, he is breaking the marital vows.

With few exceptions, married people should never turn down sex with their spouse. You may not be in the right mood at first, you may not think it is the best time, maybe your spouse isn't looking their best or you aren't feeling like your best... but SO WHAT? Isn't it fun anyway???

Surprise Weddings Are Generally Not Cool

But in some cases, they may be the best thing.

Several years back, there was a "live" television special on a major broadcast network during which women surprised their guys with a surprise wedding. The guys supposedly didn't know – each woman explained the situation to the audience while the guy was in some isolation chamber, and then he was thrust out in front of a live audience, glaring lights, and television cameras, and presented with what amounts to an immediate ultimatum. I suppose that is better than finding yourself on the show of Connie Chung's husband or the former mayor of Cincinnati. I'm not sure how this was all supposed to work out from a legal standpoint – I would imagine if the guys actually wanted to get married and weren't just doing it for show, the couples obtained marriage licenses after the fact.

If I recall correctly, it was only women surprising men – not a single instance of a man surprising a woman with a let's go now wedding.

I would like to know how those couples are doing now.

I bring this up now because of this Associated Press story (complete with photo):

A woman in a wedding gown surprised her fiance by greeting him at a Texas airport along with a justice of the peace.

Robyn Moore and William Acosta exchanged vows Monday at Corpus Christi International Airport after he got off a plane arriving from Toledo, Ohio.

I don't know about you, but riding in a cramped commercial jetline usually doesn't put me in the romantic mood – with one exception. At the end of our last trip without a child with us, I decided to take advantage of the fact that my wife was wearing a short skirt and... let my fingers do the walking. Sure, there was some guy napping next to us, but we were subtle about it, making good use of blankets. My wife found it to be a major turn-on. Certainly made the flight more pleasant. I recommend this for married couples. But I digress.

Acosta, who was wearing jeans and a sweater, says he was speechless and thrilled by the wedding Moore planned.

What else was he going to say? Make a negative scene in the middle of the airport? Actually, it might not be a bad place to dump someone if they are abusive - lots of security, and no tolerance for threats.

But here's the important info:

The couple got a marriage license last week and planned to tie the knot this month, at a site to be determined.

In this case, it sounds like they were both actually planning to get married, which can make this move a very nice one for him. He didn't have to deal with all of the stress of a big ceremony and all of the lead-up, although she still gets to be the center of attention (even in the news) and I would expect that they'll still have a reception later, so they don't miss out on a party and still may get a lot of gifts. Not a bad idea, and a lot less expensive.

I wish them well.

In other cases, like the ones with the TV show, it isn't a good sign if a woman has to trick, badger, nag, beg, or manipulate her guy into marrying her. (If any of those couples secretly were already set to get married, but decided to trick TV producers into paying for their wedding and wedding video, then good for them.) Even with all of our feminist changes in our culture, men are still expected to pursue. It's nature. If a guy wants to marry you, he'll ask. He'll make it happen. If he already is unenthusiastic about being with you, that's a horrible way to go into marriage. Besides - it robs you of the challenge relished by so many Category 4 gals of breaking his spirit and driving him to despair from the heights of joy and optimism. It is much more fun when you can point out to him that he was eager to marry you. The look on his face as he tries to silently reconcile that fact with his misery should be priceless.

I would have like to have seen one of those guys on the TV show risk the boos of the audience and all of the TV talk-show and magazine trashing he would have received – by explaining exactly why he wasn't going to get married. The director of the show probably wouldn't have let him talk very long.

Smell the Roses With Each Other

I always appreciate it when women commentators note the struggles of today's man, especially when it comes to marriage, and offer solutions other than simply "Shut up, bring home the money, buy her flowers, and stop wanting sex!" Dr. Laura rightly points out to women who reject their husbands that they are passing up a good time for themselves, too. Well here's a recent column from Janice Shaw Crouse talking about stress and marital happiness.

Every time I write about marriage, I hear from readers who lament their sexless marriages. The comments are all from men, and they tell of years, sometimes decades, of living together without love, affection, or sexual intimacy.

Unmarried guys hear these accounts, too, and it doesn't encourage them to get married. Hearing guys who got married 40+ years ago, and thus have no clue what it is like today, tell them marriage is great doesn't mitigate this.

Such responses have come so often that I've taken note and relate them to the social science research that reveals even younger couples are increasingly under so much stress that a noticeable number of them are "too tired" for marital intimacy.

So much of our society has told women they need to have careers and children, and that they can do it at the same time. Add in all of the other things, and of course women are tired. Governments dependent on income taxes and businesses relying on more spending (and nonprofits wanting donations) are not going to encourage anyone to drop an income-earning job. Husbands are expected to take on more of work inside the home, in addition of whatever extra time he's putting in at the workplace trying to get ahead. So of course both of them get tired. Largely gone are the day when a man could walk to his job in the same town he lived in, put in a standard work day, and be done - and earn enough to support a family.

Crouse points out that it takes a conscious commitment to keep the marriage healthy. That is part of our marital vows to each other. It is more than simply promising not to have sex with other people. It is about looking after each other.

In other words, though lovemaking may seem like a luxury good that can be deferred without consequences, nothing could be further from the truth. Couples err when they allow the temporary absence of intimacy — during the stressful times that are sure to come — to become the norm of their lives. Those couples that become preoccupied with those things that are considered "necessary" find their existence increasingly dull and their relationship increasingly strained. Ironically, the things that seem so "necessary" at the time often turn out to be of little consequence in the long run.

Exactly. Why, exactly do we do the things we do? Because we think we are supposed to? Have we overextended ourselves? We have if we don't have time for each other. I didn't get married and become a father primarily so that I could spend all of my time and money keeping up appearances. I got married so that I could be a husband to my wife, not a roommate. I became a father so that I could parent a child, not be their mere babysitter and driver and ATM.

Arrested Twice in One Day

Jeffrey Gallo, 32, of Fullerton, California had a bad day recently.

First, he was arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault and domestic violence. Barbara Giasone of The Orange County Register picks up the story.

The incident began at 3 a.m. when Jeffrey Gallo, 32, reportedly argued with his male partner in the 2200 block of Deerpark Drive, said Lt. Craig Brower said.

The partner took off in the vehicle Gallo had been driving.

Then Gallo jumped into a second car and collided with the partner – sending the first car into a tree, police said.

Sounds like true love.

So eight hours later, after being released on bond, he came back to get some belonging from the car in the impound lot.

He allegedly told officers his aunt was the registered owner and had signed a release for Gallo to pick up the car.

But police found the actual registered owner, Brower said, who told an officer she had never signed a release.

Gallo was arrested again, this time on suspicion of forgery, and taken to jail for the second time, Brower said.

They should have booked him and released him to see if he could pull off a hat trick.

If you click through and scroll down, you can find some funny comments from the peanut gallery. Some of the best comments get censored, though.

Mr. Gallo: Get your act together. Part of that will be not obsessing about or getting violent with lovers. If someone drives you that crazy, they aren't right for you.

UPDATE (10am 12/16/2009 PST): I checked earlier this morning, and although I could still see the story listed on the paper's website, the links to the story do not work. I wonder if there is some special reason why?

CRI Back on SoCal Airwaves

To update something I wrote about in September – apparently, as of December, the Bible Answer Man program is back on KKLA 99.5 FM. Instead of an hour-long show at 3pm, it starts at 3:30pm and is half an hour. My guess is that half hour is condensed down from the daily hour-long show. Frank Pastore's show has returned to starting at 4pm.

I caught the start of the broadcast this past Friday. The first thing Hank did is ask for money.

I sure do miss the days when the broadcast would regularly have two co-hosts, usually a combination of Ron Rhodes, Elliot Miller, Ken Samples, and Paul Carden. Friday’s show would be a tape of the late founder, Walter Martin. It was nice to get perspectives from two different people.

Don't Shake the Baby

Yes, there are some great stepfathers out there. Statistically, however, a mother of a minor child who marries (or dates) is raising the risk that her child will be abused or murdered. Mothers of minor children should be wary of the guys willing to date them, and especially so of a guy willing to marry them when they are pregnant with another man's child. Here's another example. Robert J. Lopez reports at LATimes.com on the murder of a 2-month-old.

Santa Monica police have arrested a man in connection with the suspected shaking death of his 2-month-old stepdaughter, authorities said today.

How does a guy have a 2-month-old stepdaughter? He married a woman he knew was pregnant with another guy's baby or just gave birth to another guy's baby? In most cases, that indicates a guy is messed up or otherwise undesirable. Looks like he may have proven that.

Donald Hillman, 33, was arrested Monday by Santa Monica Police Department detectives in North Hollywood, authorities said.

Unless the news reports are missing something, it wasn't like this guy was "trapped" into being a father when he didn't want to be. And no, I'm not saying guys who are have a right to be violent. My point is that he actively, knowingly chose to take on this role, despite the apparent fact that he couldn't handle it. He didn't have to marry the child's mother. He had no legal, social, or moral obligation to do that. If she was conceiving children with someone else less than a year before, how well does he really know her?

Where did the child's mother find this guy? Did she have any indication about how violent he is? I don't see any mention of her in the news.

There were times I was very frustrated dealing with my screaming infants. Males literally have a different natural reaction to screaming babies than women do. But I'd rather pull out my own hair than hurt a baby.

I pray for justice and for some good to somehow come out of this. God has performed larger miracles.

These Studies are Really Pissing Me Off

There's a study that claims to reveal who the angriest Americans are. Here's the article by Andrea Thompson, senior writer at LiveScience.com.

Anger is more likely among the young, those with children at home, and the less educated, a new study finds.

My immediate thoughts...

Young people have raging hormones, less immediate control over their lives (as in, less money and experience), and less experience in dealing with their emotions. Maybe they haven't had time to get to a professional yet who can prescribe emotion-quelling meds to them.

Those with children at home have less sleep, more battles with someone living under the same roof, and more of a stake in the future, and thus are more likely to get angry (and let others know about it) about things that will cause the childless to shrug.

The less educated may be upset about having fewer options.

A national survey of 1,800 Americans aged 18 and older questioned participants on how and when they feel angry in order to build "a broader social portrait of anger in the United States," said study researcher Scott Schieman, now at the University of Toronto.

I'd be interested in a larger sampling.

While anger is a normal human emotion, it could be detrimental if you hold on to it too long. And those who express their anger might actually live longer than those who keep it bottled in, one study found.

The important thing is to find a healthy outlet, as well as to appropriately express anger at things that deserve it.

For one, people under 30 experienced anger of all forms or intensities more frequently than did older adults. This was mainly due to the fact that young people are more likely to be affected by three core stressors that can trigger angry feelings, Schieman said:

* Time pressures
* Economic hardship
* Interpersonal conflict at the workplace

Yup.

Schieman's findings will be detailed in a chapter of the forthcoming International Handbook of Anger, to be released in January 2010.

Now that should be an interesting read. When you buy your copy, try not to throw it at the bookstore clerk.

I'm glad this article doesn't try to say that all anger is bad, because it isn't. In some cases, people who are angry should be asking those who aren't, "Why aren't you angry?" Followers of Christ should note that Jesus demonstrated righteous and appropriate anger, as recorded in the Bible.

Things She Should Have Learned Earlier

Time for another letter sent in to Dear Margo. Trying to Decide wrote:

How much is a person supposed to overlook or adapt to in a boyfriend if he has other great qualities?

The more you have to adapt, the less likely you are with someone who is right for you. All relationships take some level of adaptation from not being in that relationship.

As long as he 1) has all the qualities you need in a partner; 2) doesn't have anything you can't stand in a partner; 3) doesn't have any red flags, and 4) is the best you can do, then you're all good.

But if there is anything about him you couldn't accept for the rest of your life and still be an enthusiastic and supportive partner who loves and respects him, then do not marry him.

I'm dating a really nice guy (divorced), who is smart and interesting and has good values, but is extremely passive - to the point where he lets people push him around.

If that is the case, do you really want to be with someone like that?

I find that a total turnoff.

That's not a good sign. Your partner should turn you on.

For example, if a colleague starts yelling at him for a mistake that was the colleague's fault, he just shrugs and tells her she made the mistake.

That actually sounds like a good way to diffuse the situation.

He is so conflict-averse that he’d rather let it go and believes that easy-going is the way to be.

Choosing your battles is a good thing. We all make mistakes. Once you point out to someone that they made a mistake in yelling at you, why rub it in?

The other thing is that he's really a lousy kisser, though friends say that can be worked on.

How about you teach him? What, was this written by a 15-year-old?

I guess I'm used to the man being dominant and aggressive, which is more of a turn-on.

So go find a guy who is "dominant and aggressive", and don't complain when it is "his way or the highway".

On the other hand, I've been accused of being too picky, and I don't want to get rid of a good guy just to see him snapped up by plenty of other women.

There are other women out there. Get over it. That some other woman may find a good time with him should not be your reason for keeping him. If he's not right for you, let him go. Some other woman will find him to be a great catch.

I think it very hard to be too picky in choosing a partner. If you are too picky, then you are doing the other person a favor by not attaching yourself to them in the first place, remaining single.

I've been divorced twice.

I wouldn't consider you a marriage prospect in that case - would not set you up with someone else I knew, unless you'd been through some serious overhaul in your character.

I'm 61 and have been single for many years, but I'd rather be in a relationship.

61!?! I seriously had the writer pegged as a teen. Good luck! And what does she mean by "relationship" - she wants a guy around to drive her places and buy her stuff? Or does she truly enjoy the ongoing company?

She didn't mention that men are constantly hitting on her. If she really wants to be in a relationship, and this guy isn't keeping her from attracting – or looking for – other possibilities, then why not keep seeing him, as long as she can treat him right and he treats her right? Unless he put a ring on her finger, they are both free to date others, in my book.

Into the Woods - Part 2

Let's get my disclaimer out of the way.

Adultery is wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Even if your wife has broken the marital vows (which involve more than sexual fidelity), even if she is a refuser, even if she says it is okay. Men should not marry a woman and make babies with her unless he can stay faithful.

In this case, we don't know what's going in Tiger Woods' marriage. His wife could be superwife. She could be a nightmare. If she is a nightmare, then we can have a little more understanding for Woods, but we still should condemn adultery.

Based on the reports, it sounds like she committed some serious domestic violence against him. Guess what? Adultery does not justify domestic violence, even if you're still hormonal from having given birth. We, as a society, joke about and even applaud a wife assaulting her husband because he committed adultery. But how would we feel if the sexes were reversed? "But that's different!" Well then, so much for equality.

According to tabloid reports being widely repeated in what passes as serious news dissemination: 1) they are receiving intense marital counseling; 2) Woods has transferred a large seven-figure sum of money into an account she controls in order to get her to stay for now, and 3) she has asked to revise their pre-nup in a way that would be more favorable towards her, especially if she leaves earlier than the 10-year mark.

If that’s true...

1) I pray it is more than just "Shame on you, Tiger. Shame, shame!" Sounds like she needs anger management or some sort of domestic violence counseling. Marital counseling may not do any good, if he's simply not cut out for monogamy, or socially unable or unwilling to fend off groupies, or if he thinks the real problem here is that he chose tramps who couldn't keep their mouths shut. If he thinks he can find a would-be homewrecker who is going to keep her mouth shut about something like this, not even telling her best friend (and that he'd still be attracted to), well, he needs reality counseling.

2) What is she, a whore? If he leaves (or she kicks him out), she'll have financial security anyway. What's with the cash to keep by him? Paying a woman for her mere social presence and/or for sex is called PROSTITUTION.

3) Although I would blast him for adultery, I would also tell Tiger, if I had his ear, not to revise the pre-nup. There's a reason you have a pre-nup in the first place. If she wants to leave, let her leave and live by the conditions to which she agreed when she signed the pre-nup. Why pay an abuser even more money? Practically his whole life, from the moment he could walk, he's been practicing golf. He established himself as one of the world's best golfers before he ever met her. He's the one who goes out and travels and swings the clubs and does endorsements and talks with the media. We're not talking about high school sweethearts, where she worked to support him and pay his tuition as he went to college/graduate school. Why does she deserve any more of his earnings than she is already getting/will get?

Again, adultery is WRONG. But I wouldn't be surprised, given the two recen pregnancies and what that can do, if she got difficult to live with and had cut off the sex. Also, based on past reports about Woods and how he was raised and socialized, he probably has a lot of "issues" to deal with. It was golf, golf, golf, and a crazy, overbearing dad. He didn't even know how to approach a woman to ask her out. That should have been his wife's first clue that there was going to be trouble ahead. He could think of what he's done as "making up for lost time".

These people have two kids. They should admit to themselves and each other what they have done wrong. He should figure out how to stay faithful. She should figure out how to express her anger without violence. And they should raise their kids – together.

And women should stop throwing themselves at - or acquiescing to the advances - of married men. Even if he's rich, famous, talented, and athletic.

Finally... Tiger... just because someone puts a bunch of clams on a plate in front of you doesn't mean you should eat them. Learn these words: "I'm married. I chose to get married. I'm a father. I chose to be a father. I have an obligation to my wife and children. No."