Don't Dogs Bite?

It has to be bad enough being a homeless dog without some smelly man using you to get off. Young women and girls who think it is flattering that a guy wants to stick it in them should remember stories like this. Andrew Blankstein reports on this Los Angeles Times blog.

A transient who sexually assaulted a dog he had adopted from an animal shelter has been sentenced to three years' probation, officials with the Los Angeles city attorney's office said Tuesday.

Wade Strickland, 62, pleaded guilty to animal cruelty and lewd conduct in connection with a Feb. 2 incident in which he was seen sexually violating the female German shepherd mix beneath a freeway underpass and was arrested by the Los Angeles Police Department Animal Cruelty Task Force.

Oh, thank goodness the dog was female. Otherwise, what he did would have been strange.

Judge Mary Lou Villar also ordered Strickland not to own or possess any animals, submit to searches by the LAPD and Department of Animal Services for animals at any time and attend two dozen animal care counseling sessions.

Animal care? Really?

Officials with the city attorney's office said Strickland had previously adopted numerous dogs from the South Los Angeles Animal Shelter.

So he's a player, that cad. Can't stay faithful.

He had been reported for both mistreating his animals and indecent exposure but never had been previously prosecuted.

You mean he was seen exposing his shortcomings?

At the time of his arrest, Strickland was "found with two dogs, including the victim, and pornographic material in his possession," according to the city prosecutors.

Porn? Oh, now you know he's a bad man. The prosecuter and the newspaper cite the porn as if it caused him to molest a dog. If porn was to blame, no animal in the nation would be safe. So he was found with "two dogs, including the victim". I wonder if the other dog was like, "What, I'm not attractive enough?"

The abused dog, which had no visible trauma, was successfully adopted following the incident, officials said.

Seriously, I'm glad the dog has no visibile trauma and found a home.

An item like this always draws plenty of comments from readers. People are unhappy that he just got probation, but would prison be all that bad for a transient? I mean, he'd be getting free shelter, food, medical care, entertainment? Sure, he wouldn’t have a dog to abuse, but you have to consider a the tradeoff.

When Overthinking Takes Away From a Song

I own two versions on the song "Always on My Mind" – Elvis' and the Pet Shop Boys'. I've heard the Willie Nelson version, too. I like all of them, which has indicated to me that it is a good song. Haven't heard the numerous other verions from other performers.

I've enjoyed this song for many years, as supposedly a lament for a great lost love.

But the other day, it hit me that the lyrics depict a very selfish person, or at least someone incompetent at relationships.

Consider...

"Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind"

And...

"Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind"

Okay, so the person is saying they were constantly thinking about their lover, but didn't do much to show them love. That leads me to think that the person doing the singing was dwelling on their lover's adoration for them, what having that person as a lover says about them... basically an ego and fantasy thing. But for all of the thinking about the other person, those thoughts didn't prompt the person to lift a finger to show affection or even tell her nice things.

Geez.

I wish I wouldn't have thought about it that way.

Show your spouse affection. Speak loving things to them. Think about what they need and want, and then do that.

Ten Simple Rules

What have you learned from your favorite columnist, radio host, books, websites, teacher?

A SURVIVOR IN NEW HAMPSHIRE wrote in to Dear Abby with a "top ten" list of Dear Abby lessons this person has learned.

1. No one can "make" you unhappy. You have choices.

I broadly agree with this, though there are some cases where it just isn't true, such as a child who is severely abused by the very people who are supposed to care for her. Can she really choose to be happy? But yes, a lot of adults are unhappy because they either literally choose to be, or they make choices that make them unhappy. You probably know someone who is only "happy" (comfortable, reall) when they are miserable.

2. The healthiest way to cure depression? Volunteer your hands and your heart.

I once heard in church an acronym for this – JOY, standing for "Jesus, others, and you". Seek to follow Jesus, seek to help others, and then tend to what you want, and you'll be a lot happier - Especially if you have people in your life who also follow this advice, and thus help you.

3. The best advice for raising children? Remember that you raise them to let them go.

I don't know if that is the best advice, but it is important to remember that parents should exert influence over their children and do so with the goal of making them self-sufficient and pleasant adults.

4. The best person with whom to discuss marital difficulties? Your spouse. Complaining to others may make you feel better for a day, but it will be at the expense of your marriage.

I fall short here. I am careful about what I say to others who know my wife, but ideally I use this blog to anonymously work through what goes on in my head, so that I will only bother my wife with what needs to be shared with her, and hopefully with a possible solution offered at the same time. But I fall short in bringing up everything with her that I should.

5. Don't "protect" those you love from the pain that will heal them.

Sometimes, there are lessons that need to be learned.

6. Never criticize without working toward a solution, particularly when it comes to politics.

People need to vent. But if it is possible to direct energy towards improvement, that is the best way to deal with anger or discontent.

7. Never forget abuse nor tolerate it again, but do forgive the abuser.

Only forgive an abuser who is truly repentant, but do not trust them with those you are obligated to protect.

8. What (and whom) you love is not shown through words but by where you devote your time, your energy and money.

For sure.

9. You are what you eat, read and watch on TV.

This is why you should never eat fruits, nuts, and vegetables, right?

10. Life is linear. Make every moment matter.

Yes, we only are this age for a moment, and we have a finite amount of time in this life.

Dear Abby points out she has never written that one should feel obligated to forgive and abuser.

There really aren't all that many rules one needs to follow to have a good life. The problem comes in dealing with the pain that can come from doing the right thing, dealing with delayed gratification, etc. Just consider the Ten Commandments. If everyone followed them, the problems of this world would be few.

Busy

There's never a shortage of things I want to say here, but the holidays are keeping me busy. Don't know how much I'll be able to check in over the next several days. Have a great holiday weekend! Drop me a comment...

Is Something Fishy in Salmon, Idaho?

Is Kristina Ross a lesbian who was trapped in a man's body? Consider this article, that first describes Ross as a woman. Laura Zuckerman reports for Reuters.

An Idaho judge has set bond at $100,000 for a Boise woman police say posed as a physician and duped at least two other women into having their breasts examined by her at Boise-area nightclubs.

I have all of my medical work done at nightclubs.

Kristina Ross, 37, remains in Ada County Jail in Boise on two felony counts of practicing medicine without a license.

My libertarian side thinks people should be allowed to genuinely help others without a license, as long as they don't claim to have a license. Potential patients can always ask for credentials, and private organizations can test and recommend doctors. But the law is the law. Is this really practicing medicine without a license, or is it assault, or is it a TSA screening?

Police say Ross introduced herself to victims -- one at a downtown Boise bar and the other at a nightclub in a Boise suburb -- as a plastic surgeon named Berlyn Aussieahshowna, a name that turned out to be bogus.

Ya think?

The two women told Boise officers they believed Ross was a physician because of her apparent medical knowledge, and they agreed to undergo what they thought were breast exams, which happened at the bars.

This reminds me someone my father told me about, who would go shoot pool with a buddy and would tell his buddy about his day at work – making it sound like he was a gynecologist. Only he wasn't any sort of doctor at all. But that wouldn't stop women from approaching him and asking him questions about their body - which was, of course, his intent.

As part of her ruse, Ross gave the women the telephone number of a real licensed plastic surgeon in Boise, the state capital, authorities said.

Staff at that medical office became alarmed at the number of calls they received from women in recent weeks attempting to confirm appointments or surgeries with a Berlyn Aussieahshowna, according to charging documents.

"Dr. Assieahshowna isn't here, but you can see Mike Hunt or Richard Peters Johnson." Sorry. Couldn't resist.

Medical workers on Tuesday alerted Boise police about the pattern, and they later arrested Ross.

If Ross had picked a different number, the ruse could have continued.

Now the story gets really interesting...

The suspect's gender is unclear. Idaho court records show that Ross was arrested for petty theft in the spring and that the arrest warrant was issued to a Kristoffer Jon Ross.

The Idaho Statesman website reported that Ross has a previous criminal record as a man but identifies herself as a woman and was booked into Ada County Jail as a female.

So that is why Ross knew so much and was so interested. Ross is apparently man by birth who now claims to be (identfies as) a woman (transgender).

It is so easy to get scammed - for money, too. David Lazarus, who covers consumer issues in the Los Angeles Times, recently had a warning about the "emergency scam" – which is one I'd heard about before. Read on.

Decide to Enjoy It More

A study indicates that women can think themselves into having a better sex life. Betty Klinck reports in USA Today.

Researchers at the Sexual Psychophysiology Laboratory at the University of Texas-Austin found that women experienced improvements in symptoms such as low sex drive just from getting a placebo in a clinical trial.

A placebo is a control for the study. What that means is that a study might separate people into three groups. One will take the real pill being tested. The second group will take a sugar pill or some other substance that shouldn't have a a physical impact on what's being tested – that's a placebo. The third group will get nothing. If the second group shows significant positive changes, then the indication is that at least some of the problem is psychological and can be improved simply by changing one's thinking.

I am reminded of when I'd bought a brand new air filter and the girlfriend I was seeing back then borrowed it new out of the box because a friend of hers who supposedly had severe allergies, including an allery to cats, was going to be visiting my girlfriend, who had a cat. My girlfriend reported back to me that the air filter worked perfectly to keep her cat from triggering her friend's allergic reactions. And then I read the directions and realized there was some plastic I had yet to remove that actually made the filter functional.

So yes, a lot of our problems and pain can be dealt with by changing our thinking. We can remove self-defeating behaviors that way. The problem comes in when someone extrapolates that idea and thinks all problems – such as all diseases – can be cured by changing one's thinking. Every few years, someone repackages that false notion and makes a lot of money selling it to people. (If your religion is based on this notion, I don't mean to insult you. If my beliefs are true, than this notion must necessarily be false - and I do believe my beliefs, after all.)

But I digress.

Women may have experienced increased satisfaction simply because they decided to take action and experienced increased hope, says researcher Andrea Bradford. The study was published in September in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

There's something for your coffee table.

"It's not going to change if you just wait for it to happen," Bradford says. "Changing how you approach the problem might in itself make a big difference."

Ladies, if you decide to enjoy lovemaking more, then you just might.

Measuring female sexual dysfunction and satisfaction can be difficult sometimes, because it is very much based on the woman's own observations of her symptoms, says Meston.

"Sexual dysfunction is, in a way, what a woman says it is."

Yes, dear. Most women know on some level that their attitude can make a difference. Think of the women that claim they need to be romanced with gifts and dinners and all of these other things to get turned on, but if their favorite celebrity crush were to walk around the corner and take her in a closet for five minutes, she'd need almost no foreplay whatsoever, and certainly no romance.

She notes also that decreased sex drive in a long-term relationship is normal for women.

Testosterone levels in men also drop when they marry and have children. So if a higher sex drive is more important to a person than loving one person, this is something that supports their decision to avoid commitment to someone other than themselves.

But for marrieds, it is important to note that we have more reason to believe that attitude matters.

Something I Thought I’d Never Do

Warning: This entry is about some details of marital lovemaking.

I've been trying to bring my marital lovemaking life up to a better place. There have been small improvements here and there as of late, and I expect there will be more in the coming months (perhaps getting us back to where we were as newlyweds) but I accept that it may never be fully where I want it to be. My wife has said a while ago that she wants me to be able to say that the best sex I've had is married sex, and she is the best kisser I've ever kissed. As it stands now, though, if my son was at "that age" and we were having a frank talk about sex and I was telling him all of the reasons why he should save sex for marriage (which I do believe in the right thing to do), I could not honestly tell him I get more and better sex being married. I have not said this to my wife, of course; I don't want what I am getting to be taken away. I also would not say it my son as it wouldn't be his business.

Now, when I write "what I am getting", it sounds selfish. But a lot of what I want to "get" is more opportunities to make my wife feel good things she's never felt before, and feel other good things more often. It will make us closer and generally improve our marriage. I very much enjoy pleasing her. And if every additional session was only about pleasing her, I'd be fine with that. Pleasing her is one thing that pleases me.

She discourages me from bringing her to climax more than once a week. She currently has a low libido and she's one of those women who will only allow herself to orgasm once a session as it is. She does offer me fellatio once or twice a week now, but discourages me from doing much to her during that session. She is usually clothed, it is in the dark and she's quiet, I'm in bed ready to fall asleep, and it is pretty much a straightforward "get it done" sort of thing, and when she senses I'm about to ejaculate, she pulls away and lets it happen like it is nothing more than an inconvenient mess, rather than the precise moment to give me the most pleasure. It is better than nothing, but I really need to start encouraging her to play with my testicles, change things up a little, and make some noise.

The other night, though, something happened that turned me on a lot and got me aroused much of the next day just thinking about it.

Okay, here's where I offer another warning. If you don't want to read about anything dealing with the anus (specifically, a woman's), then skip the rest of this entry. Otherwise, click to continue reading this message.

Thanksgiving Reminder

It is that time of the year again - when some unmarried people sitting around a Thanksgiving meal endure from family the questioning, nagging, teasing, and whatever else about why they're not married or why they don't have kids yet.

Don't get me wrong. I think it is acceptable to ask a family member who is currently expecting a child and will not be giving the child up for adoption about getting married. But if somone isn't in that position, they should not have to endure yearly or more frequent pressure from other family members about getting maried.

See a previous posting of mine on this subject.

If you have endured such questioning, have you come up with any good things to say thay stop the questioning and pressure?

The answers would likely be different depending on one's personal beliefs and the general family's traditional belief. For example, if the family is very religious and so are you, you can say, "God just hasn't brought me the right person yet."

But if most people at the table aren't religious, espeially not you, it is very easy (at least for a man) to reply honestly with, "What would I get by being married that I can't get being unmarried?"

Either way, perhaps a good response is...

"I like my life the way it is right now. I get to do what I want when I want. Nobody argues or fights with me, or nags me in my own home. I never has to sleep on the couch. I get to have my place the way I like it. And I get to come here and endure this line of questioning from the likes of you instead of having to spend the holiday with someone else's family."

Two common questions asked of those with no plans to marry are, "Aren't you worried about growing old alone?" and the related "Don't you want someone to take care of you?"

But plenty of people who marry and have children end up growing old alone and in a horrible nursing home. Most of the people who sit in nursing homes with little or no visitation from family had children. And as far as being alone, there are these wonderful people called... friends. And when your friend gets mad at you and decides not to deal with you any more (or you decide not to deal with your friend anymore), you don't have to lose your home and pay that friend money.

Have any of you endured this line of questioning? How have you handled it?

I'll Be Back

I may take the rest of today and the weekend off from blogging. There's no lack of material, but I'm short on time.

Please check out some past entries (see the labels/tags and featured links) and feel free to leave a comment telling me your reactions to what I've written. I very much like hearing from you.

Thanks for stopping by.

Deflated

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Desperate Housewife, Dear Margo, and the Bible

There was a letter to Dear Margo that I wanted to note because it has some of the same issues I recently wrote about analyzing a letter to Dear Abby. But first I wanted to address Margo’s response to the other letter in that edition of her column.

The first letter in the column was from a bisexual woman who was complaing about negative feelings towards bisexuals from some gay men and lesbians. But Dear Margo took the opportunity to bash the Bible:

Things have greatly improved, to be sure, but there will always be people who are narrow-minded, bigoted, judgmental or influenced by a literal reading of the Bible … even though the "good book" contradicts itself in many instances.

Really? Lesbians and gays are giving bisexuals a hard time because of the Bible? Ah yes, it is right there in 1st Illusions 3:16 - "Thou shalt engage in homosexual sex or heterosexual sex, but thou must pick only one."

In regards to "a literal reading of the Bible" – people have a misconception about what it means to take something lierally. It means reading literature as the kind of literature it is – history as history, satire as satire, metaphor as metaphor. However, using various literary forms, the Bible does consistently portrays sex as something for marriage, and marriage as between a man and a woman. Look it up. It is there in the first and last books and many between – a consistent message. (However, as a matter of law, I think homosexual and bisexual people should be free to do what they want as far as relationships, sex, etc.)

Which brings me to the other point. Consistency. Dear Margo says the Bible "contradicts itself in many instances." But I notice she did not name an instance. Some of my readers don't care much for the Bible, or don't treat is authoritative. Fine. I can respect sincere and informed differences from my own beliefs. I actually discussing those differences. But Dear Margo does what so many people do, and dismisses any authority for the Bible by simply asserting it is filled with contradictions. Most people who do this can't name a single one.

Yes, there are websites that will list alleged contradictions for you. But when you study the Bible and note the literary genres, to whom the various books were written, etc. – then the alleged contradictions disappear. From what I remember, there is a place or two where numbers don't match, likely because of an error in transmission. There are websites that examine each alleged contraction and show them to be nonexistent or insignificant. Not that it matters... if every alleged contradiction that folks like Dear Margo brought up was explained to them to their satisfaction, they wouldn't suddenly believe the Bible. It is a red herring. If you outright deny the possibilty of the supernatural and thus deny the Bible, then fine. But don't claim the problem with the Bible is that, say, God gave certain commands to Jewish people while living in a theocracy and gave different commands to gentiles living in Rome.

But on to sex stuff.

The letter I wanted to note, which, as I said, had similar themes to one to Dear Abby, was from "Frustrated in Texas":

I'm in my late 30s, married 10 years to my hubby who is in his early 40s. He's a great guy and a wonderful father to our two children. Our marriage is good on all fronts but one. While my libido appears to be growing, his appears to be slowing - noticeably.

This is not unsual given the ages and the children.

In addition, my sense of adventure in the bedroom is expanding, and I find myself interested in other types of play.

Sounds great!

Yet he has decided that missionary is it and that a "lady" should not have these desires.

He's wrong,and not only shortchanging you, he's shortchanging himself. He should seek to please you, as long as what you want to do isn't destructive.

This means our infrequent liaisons are less than satisfying.

I can honestly say that every other aspect of our relationship is really good.

Well that's good. But without good sex, it is like saying that my car is great in every way but barely runs.

I think we're both too young to spend the rest of our years like this, but I don’t know what to do about it.

Any advice, ladies or gentlemen? I'm stumped because I identify more with her than him in this case.

To make matters worse, I recently had an online chat with someone in another country that grew quite steamy. While I have never done anything of that nature before, I found it thrilled me.

It's not right, but it is better than physically taking on a lover.

People should eat at home. But if the kitchen is bare, people tend to go elsewhere to eat. That's human nature. Does he believe in the Bible? (See, here's advice that Dear Margo can't give.) There are books and websites that are Bible-based that explain that spouses are supposed to enjoy sexual variety together. That might be the way to go. And seeing if his doctor can find a problem and offer a solution.

I remember reading that, contrary to popular modern perceptions of Puritans, if a wife went to her friends with complaints like this, the friends would tell their husbands and the husbands would get together and tell guys like this woman's husband that it was his Christian duty to make love with his wife often and keep her satisfied.

Dear Margo tells her to quit the cybersex and and get some therapy involved.

Budgeting Can Save Your Kids

When my wife and I were dating before engagement, one of the issues we discussed (and one of the issues every person dating for marriage should discuss) was who would be earning the income and how. I was open to discussing any arrangement that would not have my kids raised by strangers. My wife strongly desired to "stay home" with our kids once we had them, and I would be the one who was busy earning the income. That was fine by me.

I dare say that most married couples who stick their kids in day orphanages (daycare) don't have to. There are those who want to (including some where one of the spouses does not work outside the home), but many more who say they don't have a choice. They do have a choice - almost all of them. It just requires them to do things differently, and they don't want to make those changes or don't have the imagination to see the possibilities. There's working different shifts, working at home, and there's having one spouse be the sole income earner.

Is it harder for one person to support the family than it used to be? Probably. Ironically, more women being in the workforce means more labor supply; more people are competing for jobs. This allows employers to offer lower pay.

It is possible, though, especially when one considers the ways to cut back on expenses, from frivolous things or extravagances to finding bargains. How much income is being netted by that second earner once the costs of taxes, commuting, wardrobe, daycare, etc. are removed?

In a recent blog entry, Dr. Laura writes about some of the problems associated with having both spouses work outside the home. Then she goes on to give some tips for stretching and income.

1.Ride a bicycle to most places close to home. That gives you needed exercise that two jobs doesn't permit and it saves money on gas.

Walking can be good, too. The cost of driving also includes maintenance and other costs. This is yet another reason to live in a neighborhood where people aren't routinely robbed or assaulted walking down the sidewalk.

2.Rent from Netflix instead of spending ridiculous amounts going to local movie theaters and wasting money on sodas and popcorn.

There have never been more options for low or no-cost entertainment. I'm pretty sure I, and most husbands, would be plenty entertained if all we did with our free time was play with the wife.

3.Shop discount stores for clothes, and don't buy new wardrobes each season.

Paying a lot of money for clothes can massage the ego, but how often does the most expensive clothing make enough of a real difference? I also recommend getting certain kinds of furniture from a Salvation Army store and yard sales. I can understand not wanting someone's used furniture that is covered in cloth, but other than that, it is good.

4.Take vacations close to home that are filled with togetherness rather than filled with expenses.

Again, there have never been more options.

5.Plan meals and plan your grocery shopping so you aren't paying extra for last-minute purchases.

My wife does this, and clips coupons, and does everything else she can to bring down our grocery bill. It's like game to her, and she's very good at it.

6.Don't buy sugary, fatty, unhealthy foods. That saves a LOT of money!

Some are cheap, though. Yes, it can be less expensive to buy whole fruits and vegetables and to buy staples rather than buying junk food and fast food, and it is better for you. But you have to actually eat the food, not let it rot. Surely you can find enough of such foods that you like.

7.Sit down with your checkbook for a month and see where the money is going.

Yes. Your checkbook and your credit cards.

I'll add a few:

Pay your bills on time. Who needs late and interest charges?

Are you paying for Internet, phone, and TV? Have you called up your providers and asked for a deal in exchange for signing up for a certain length of time? Or how about telling them you are thinking about going to a competitor or discontinuing the service? They usually offer deals.

Are you paying for magazines or memberships that you don't regularly read/use? Let it lapse.

Are there any you want to add?

Kids grow up fast. You don't want to miss it. Kids need parental guidance and bonding, too. It is possible to make it work.

And for those of you who are marriage-minded but not yet married or parenting, think about these things. Save up and choose your spouse and where you'll be living wisely so that your kids will not be raised by strangers.

She Wants It More

I think it is an observable fact that men, as a group, want sex more than women as a group. Sometimes, this results in husbands wanting a lot more sex than they're getting. Every once in a while, we hear about a wife being deprived. WAITING FOR MORE wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have been married to "Ben," a wonderful man, for seven years. We have three children.

Busy!

We get along well, but I have one complaint. It's about sex. I'm always in the mood but he isn't.

Did he want three kids? Did he really want three kids, or did he just go along with it? Maybe he’s afraid of having more.

We both work full-time jobs and take care of the kids and the house.

Ah. That’s a problem. There's too much to do. Also - do you earn more than he does? Thay might be a major part of the problem. It's just the way some men are.

My best friend tells me I have the sex drive of a male and her husband wishes she was more like me.

So her friend's husband knows these details? Is something being set up here?

I am not a nymphomaniac, but I'd like to be intimate with my husband more than every other week. When we're together, I almost feel like it's a chore to him.

Maybe it is. Are you not a hot wife (see the quiz)? Does it take a lot of work to please you? The first you can do something about. The second... well, it is his duty and he should make the effort, as long as you are telling him how and taking and active role.

Is there something wrong with me?

Probably not. You're finding out what many, many husbands experience.

I have never cheated on Ben, nor have I considered it.

Good.

I feel this is an issue in our marriage, but he thinks I am overreacting.

He's feeling attacked. It is an issue. Absent some serious medical condition, the default should be for a married couple to engage in some form of lovemaking as often as either wants it. The one who isn't feeling like it should go along with it.

Sit with him in a quiet, private place. Hold his hands. Look into his eyes. Tell him all of the great things you like about him. Tell him you want things to be even better between you, but you need to be open and honest with each other. Then...

1. Ask him if he is more attracted to men than women. (Or, if he is seeing one or more other women, or if he is masturbating to porn.)

2. If he isn't, ask him if there is something you are doing wrong when it comes to lovemaking.

3. If not, ask him to visit the doctor with you to have him tested, and perhaps, treated.

Dear Abby recommented seeing a licensed marriage counselor and a visit to his doctor.

Dad Guarded the Girl

Someone calling herself Margo wrote in to Dr. Laura about "Today's Loose Women".

I am e-mailing you to let you know there are still some women who do have morals and standards.

I am 22 years old. I have been married to my boyfriend/husband for 3 years now and have a beautiful baby girl. (No Shacking up!!!)

Wow, she made it all the way to nineteen without shacking up! And although she doesn't explicitly state it in her letter, she implies she also saved sex for marriage, which means she held out until the grand old age of nineteen. Wow, what willpower!

Seriously, good for her. She could have jumped in the sack at twelve. Yes, it is good that she waited until marriage. But I do find it a little humorous when someone who married at 19 or 18 or 16 tells people in their late twenties or early thirties "Hey, I waited to have sex!"

When I was younger and just starting to date (at age 16) the rule given by my dad was any young man who asked me out had to be interviewed by him (my father) before I was allowed to leave the house.

Good for him.

I soon realized when I was asked out by a stranger who I could tell only wanted sex, not friendship or courtship , and really would not want to come meet my dad. I told him that he would have to come over first and have a chat with my dad before I could go. He said never mind and went on his way.

Actually, those guys should have asked you out by asking you to let them know how to contact your dad. It would have lowered your guard. If a girl doesn't have a father around or has a bad relationship with her father, that is helpful to his quest. If she does have a father who would want to meet him, he can study the mannerisms of the girl's father at get a better idea of how to go about his quest, because she is likely to be attracted if her date mimics some of those mannerisms, and she may not realize why. Devious, eh?

Anyway, I wish Margo a long and happy life with her hubby and 85 kids. And a lot of good lovemaking.

Something New in Bed

I wrote recently about becoming sexually compatible with your spouse by seeking to do what brings them pleasure, even if it isn't a turn-on to you. Married Man Sex Life brings up the same concept in this entry, "Return the Favor".

However sometimes your partner likes something and you don't. It's not so much of a dislike of anything, just not a turn on, so the idea of doing it to your partner may never occur to you.

He brings up biting, which he was definitely not into.

Anyway over the last few months I'd noticed Jennifer giving me a couple little nips on the neck during playtime. In general I appreciated the passion, but got nothing from them as a turn on. In fact I think I told her to knock it off during a longer session where I racked up several little nips.

If it was turning her on, go with it.

Last night as an experiment I gave her a little nip... and she did this whole clutch / moan / writhe and sigh routine. So I think she might have liked it. I repeated the experiment a few times and post playtime recap reveals 1-2 little nips good for her, 3+ is a distraction please stop. Which is no problem because biting her isn't much of a turn on for me, but I don't mind doing it to turn her on.

So sometimes what your partner does to you is actually what they want to be done to them and turns them on.

Yes – sometimes.

A Change For the Better

I love seeing letters like this one on Dr. Laura's website. The writer explains how Dr Laura helped save her marriage, making things better for everone involved.

I was not my husband's girlfriend, I was never interested in sex, complained all the time, tried to control all aspects of our financial life, and worst of all I continually blamed him for any and all of the bumps in our marriage.

None of that excuses his cheating, but she was breaking their vows, too.

I was a real piece of work. It is shocking my marriage had lasted as long as it had. Since I was doing so many things wrong I decided to make a list and work on one thing each month. I heard somewhere if you want to make something a habit you had to do it for 30 days straight and most of the things I was doing wrong was what I was NOT doing.

At first my husband was skeptical, as can be expected, but after a while I really enjoyed the shocked look I would get when I would do something worthy of a good girlfriend.

I wonder why he married her in the first place? Glad she has changed for the better.

Why Schoolkids Shouldn’t Date Exhibit 312

This girl shows exactly why most minors are way too young to have an exclusive study, or in a lot of cases, any dates.

DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM IN THE U.S.A. wrote in to Dear Abby with something she should not have had to ask someone else about:

My boyfriend is pressuring me to take his camera cell phone with me into the girls' locker room and take pictures of the other girls with little or nothing on.

In doing so, you'd be breaking several laws, not to mention violating the trust of your classmates.

He says it has always been a "fantasy" of his, and that if I really love him I'll help him fulfill his fantasy.

No, loving someone means doing what is best for them. You'd be making a criminal out of him in addition to yourself if you went along with this. Really loving him would be going to his parents and telling them he needs serious help. The tactic he's trying on you demonstrates that he does not love you.

He promises to keep the pictures secret and says that what the other girls don't know won't hurt them.

His promise means nothing, since you can't even trust him – what would he do to those other girls? What they don't know can certainly hurt them, and there are many examples of that I'm sure you can think of on your own. Even if he really would keep the pictures secret, that still wouldn't make it okay, and the pictures could still get out to others through mistakes, hacking, and theft.

He offered to do the same for me and take pictures in the boys' locker room, but I'm not interested.

He thinks that makes it better. and hopes it will make it all okay in your mind. It makes it worse.

I know it would be wrong to do it, and I wouldn't want someone secretly taking pictures of me.

So why is there a question here?

He hinted that if I refuse he will look for another girl who will.

Tell that to his parents.

I'm scared of losing him because I'm not much to look at, and he's the only boy who has ever shown any interest in me.

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that looks do matter - that's just reality. But I'll get to that in a minute. Let's assume for the sake of argument that you're ugly and you won't get another date in a long time. So what? It is better to have your integrity rather than a criminal record and all of the other girls justifiably upset with you. Better to be ugly and clean rather than ugly and a criminal. Better to be ugly and dateless rather than ugly and stuck with a creep. You should be focusing on your studies anyway, not dealing with this drama.

But there will be other guys, and you're probably much more attractive than you think. And if you aren't, you can and likely will be in a few years. Some of the hottest women in the world were teased in school for being "not much to look at". You're still maturing. And there's probably some classmates of yours – decent guys – who would ask you out as soon as they found out you weren't stuck with this creep anymore.

You're going to get more attractive outside – and inside, if you do what is right.

You are so much better off letting this creep go – actually, dumping him. Dump him.In the long run, you'll feel so much better that you did.

Actually, I would consider filing a complaint with the police. I would not be surprised if this guy has taken pictures of you without your knowledge. At least make it clear to him that if any such pictures exist, they'd better be deleted immediately. If the police seize his stuff, they can find the pictures and get them out of his hands.

Now, on the flip side, a good number of those girls probably have taken pictures of themselves and sent them around already, or would send him pictures of he showed them a little attention. So he should already be able to get enough of his fix if it is really about seeing flesh. But it is probably more about violating someone else. Also, in some states, he can walk in there himself. If anyone tries to stop them, he can claim he's trangendered, and threaten to sue if he is stopped.

Dear Abby's advice was perfect.

Joseph Tarnopolski of Michigan: Admitted (Statutory) Rapist

An 18-year-old male adult having "consensual" sex with a 14-year-old minor girl is statutory rape. Maybe Joseph Ternopolski made the mistake of having sex with a disturbed girl who subsequently committed suicide. Or perhaps he forced himself on a girl who wasn't disturbed and thus was making a true claim about forcible rape, but who couldn't endure both the rape and the fallout, and committed suicide. Either way, Tarnopolski did something very wrong and admitted to doing something illegal. Here's the story from Associated Press Corey Williams.

With their key witness dead, prosecutors on Wednesday dropped criminal charges against the older student, saying they had no case without the accuser's testimony.

How about the confession? That's at least statutory rape.

"People wanted to beat her up — people who were friends of Joe," said Ayla Raines, who also attended Huron High School. "Not to her face. She heard from other people that they wanted to beat her up."

Another student, Calie Bouchard, said 14-year-old Samantha was confronted once in the lunch room by a group of girls who insisted she was lying.

"She started breaking down in tears," Calie said.

Monsters.

Principal Donovan Rowe said school officials investigated the alleged bullying and found nothing overt. Rowe said on occasion he walked behind Samantha as she went from class to class and witnessed no harassment.

And since he didn't see any cheating or doping while walking around for everyone to see, then I guess there's no cheating or doping at the school either.

Huron Township police said Justice brought her daughter to the station on Sept. 27, a day after the encounter with Tarnopolski, to file a sexual assault report. At the time it was considered a statutory rape case, meaning the pair had consensual sex but that she was under the age of consent.

Tarnopolski told WJBK that he had sex with Samantha, but it was a "mutual thing."

It can't be mutual between an 18-year-old and a 14-year-old in this day and age. Not when they are both in high school and she is not responsible for herself.

"She told me she was being extremely bullied, and it was extremely stressful," said 16-year-old Devyn Waldecker, a neighbor in the Huron Estates mobile home park. "People bumped into her in the hallways at school. On two occasions after school, people tried to jump her."

Waldecker, who attends another school, wanted to help the girl she had befriended just this past June, but "really didn't know what to do."

"I told her I was there for her — anything she needed from me," Waldecker said.

Samantha didn't deserve such an ordeal, said Devyn's mother, Shannon Waldecker. "Sam was a very sweet, soft-spoken person and very honest."

A word for Tarnopolski: Even if you suffer no criminal consequence, we never really get away with anything. One way or another, we are held accountable for our sins. If you really didn't force yourself on her, then learn a lesson and never, ever have sex again with someone who doesn't have the age or sobriety or consciousness to consent. If you did force yourself on her, you'd better get yourself under control - if for no other reason than someday, you just might pick a woman who will be able and willing to fight back.

Bullying and suicide has been in the news a lot lately. Will this get the same attention, or are some people more important than others?

Thank You, Veterans

We set aside a special day to thank our military veterans, but we really should do it every day.

My heartfelt thanks to all veterans. Thank you for your service and the good things it has provided to people in the USA and all over the world.

Daylight Traffic Time

Traffic is worse around where I live and work during Standard Time. I dread the switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time. Maybe I should live in Arizona.

Why does the clock switch change traffic? Don’t most people work set hours in their shifts or office jobs? It’s not like so many of us are working on farms or the beach. Are there really that many jobs filled by drivers who base their work ours on the sunlight?

"Hey honey, it's dark. I guess I'll come home now."

I just don’t get it.

I look forward to the return of DST, when traffic will be a little less slow.

Mistakes

Something that stood out for me from recent letters to Dr. Laura:

I make mistakes A LOT, but repair them, learn from them, try my best not to repeat them, and move forward.

That's the best we can do as imperfect people. I think Dr. Laura has modeled that behavior for her audience.

Whenever she's in the news, you can always find comments after the stories from people who hate her. Usually, aside from political differences, their complaints are based on misunderstandings of what she has said or misquotes, or based on some past mistake for which she has repented. My wife gets a kick out people who say they hate Dr. Laura because she's judgmental, intolerant, and close minded – and if you ask them if they've listened to her show, they, being so open-minded and nonjudgmental in their hate for her, say no.

One of my "favorite" standard attacks on her is "she's a hypocrite". Yet, if you ask people to "explain how she is a hypocrite, keeping in mind that the word means someone who says one thing but currently believes something contrary", they don't know what to say. That's because they are used to using "hyprocite" a magical word that shuts down all moral or ethical discussion.

That Dr. Laura has made mistakes, as we all have, does not disqualify her from having an opinion or giving advice to those who call her seeking it. the truth is still true regardless of who says it. Making a mistake, and then learning from it, repairing it if possible, trying to avoid that mistake, and telling others they shouldn't make that mistake is not being a hypocrite. It's being loving and truthful.

Get Out of That Rut

Lisa Cericola offered five tips for reviving a relationship.

No matter how much you care about someone, falling into predictable patterns is inevitable when you’re constantly spending time together. And while a little familiarity is nice, too much can make once-happy couples feel bored with each other - and possibly itching to get out of the relationship entirely.

Which is what a lot of people do, and why some people, especially guys who just want sex, try to avoid committing to exclusive relationships.

1. Introduce your mate to your interests

I would assume that if the other person was so interested, they would have asked to be included more. And if they do ask, they should be indulged.

One couple's case history: "When Aaron and I moved in together after a year of dating, we quickly fell into a routine - I’d come home from work and cook my heart out while he lounged on the couch, mesmerized by baseball.

Shacking up is a bad idea.

"So we came up with a plan: Every so often, he'd buy a ticket for me to accompany him to a ball game. In return, I'd take him out to the restaurant of my choice."

In other words, you... dated.

Love lesson learned: Mutual interests, whether it's a love of dogs or shooting pool, are often what bring a couple together in the first place. But taking interest in your partner’s entire life — including facets you don’t initially take a shine to — is what will keep you together in the long run, says dating coach Liz Kelly, author of SMART Man Hunting.

Actually, for a lot of couples it is better if they each have an interest the other isn't into, so they can have time to themselves or with friends. What is more important are shared values and compatible goals and personalities.

2. Daydream about the future together

Sure, as long as you work on the here and now, too.

3. Break some rules

That depends on what rules we're talking about.

One couple's case history: "When my long-distance girlfriend and I moved in together, we thought we'd have tons of fun, but it didn't take long before we got caught up in our work schedules," says Brenden Smith of Orlando, FL.

Again with the shack up. Bleah.

"One Wednesday night we were both lying around, exhausted, when my girlfriend jumped up, grabbed her bag and announced, 'Come on, we're going out!' We went to a club down the street, and had such a great time that we stayed out until two in the morning! Sure, we were even more exhausted the next day, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how great it felt to 'break the rules' and stay out late on a weeknight.

In other words... you went on a date.

4. Plan the unpredictable

"To spice things up, I suggested that we try planning 'surprise dates' for each other. Not only was my boyfriend a good sport about my idea, he totally charmed me by taking me apple-picking last fall.

In other words... you went on a date.

5. Escape the ordinary

What that one came down to was take a vacation or otherwise spend time together without a bunch of distractions.

If a relationship is problematic and boring and you aren't married, then split up. If you are married and things have gotten stale, then yes, make sure you are dating each other and not just going through the motions when you do. Remember what attracted you to that person in the first place, and try to discover new reasons to admire them. Boost the lovemaking – surprise your spouse with new ways in new places at different times.

A Man Can Only Take So Much

KEEPING MUM IN CLEVELAND wrote in to Dear Abby, saying he doesn't know why his wife of twenty years married him.

After our wedding she tried to give me an image makeover.

Uh-oh. Apparently she thought she had a magic vagina that could change you. She didn't realize she was getting you as-is. I write this as someone who was happy to let a girlfriend give me a makeover. The thing was, I was willing.

She'd buy me clothes I left hanging in the closet.

She probably did the same for herself.

She'd contradict and correct me in public.

No she didn't! Sorry. Ugh. That's the worst, unless you're slandering people and she has to put a stop to it. She's disrespecting you, one of the worst things a wife can do to a husband.

In general, she'd find fault with almost everything I did. She put me down often, and if I reacted, she would either claim it wasn't what she meant to say or tell me, "You do it, too."

She didn’t display any of this behavior before you married? Because if she was acting like this and you were still foolish enough to get down on your knee and beg her to take expensive jewelry from you, then you literally asked for it.

I finally gave up and left her.

No surprise. I wonder how many tongues wagged and said he was breaking his vows, as if she hadn't been breaking hers?

Margaret has an excellent reputation, so people try to pry into why I left her. When I tell them I won't bad-mouth her, they tell me she says plenty about me. My response is, "Then you know all there is to know, don't you?"

You're taking the high road. Unless they were in the wedding party, tell them it is none of their business.

Two women close to my age, plus one college-age girl, are trying to pursue me. I'm afraid if I don't leave this area, Margaret will allege that I left her for one of them.

Why do you care? Date all three of them. Let your ex-wife squawk all she wants. The proof will be in what happens with the other women.

Even Dear Abby replied:

An effective way to ensure that no one spreads a rumor that you left Margaret for one woman would be to spend time being seen dating all of them.

Heh heh.

Hey, pal, whatever you do, don't make the mistake so many newly divorced guys make of jumping into marriage with any of them. You need to figure out why you married your ex-wife in the first place. And maybe (although chances are extremely slim) your ex-wife will truly change because of finally being dumped, and you can reconcile. But again, chances of that are very slim.

The (Dead) Guy Next Door

Here's something for "Law & Order: Los Angeles". Andrew Blankstein at LATimes.com reports on a man found dead close to the Playboy Mansion. The initial reports had been that he had been found dead on Hugh Hefner's property, but he was actually at the adjoining Los Angeles Country Club. So I guess those dire warnings that Playboy leads to death are actually true in this case.

The man who was found dead at the Los Angeles Country Club over the weekend was detained at the Playboy mansion hours before and may have been trying to get back on the grounds when he fell to his death from a tree adjacent to the sprawling Holmby Hills property, law enforcement sources said Monday.

Anthony Washington, 36, of Santa Monica, may have been trying to get onto the grounds of the mansion when a branch he was on broke, according to sources familiar with the case. The coroner's office is classifying the death as "accidental" but did not immediately release details on the injuries suffered by Washington.

He may have been drunk, and if he was, than his motivations might not have been logical.

But let's look at motive anyway.

1. The place is famous. Maybe he just wanted to say he'd been there, although it probably wouldn't have been too hard for him to go there for some charity event. A little asking around with friends might have gotten him there for such an event. I have a brother-in-law who went to a charity event there. And, having been born and raised in SoCal, I'm like a lot of other people around here in that I am a mere two degrees separated from an actual Playboy centerfold playmate of the month. In other words, someone I know very well knows her. I'm not aware of anyone I personally know having appeared nude in the magazine.

2. Since the place is famous, maybe burglary was his motive. You know – steal something, sell it on eBay, or keep it as a trophy.

3. Maybe this was a prank he was put up to by buddies.

4. Hot young women.

That last reason is why so many men do so many stupid things. But assuming there were actually hot young women there at the time, would an intruder get anywhere near them? Probably not, And let's assume he was actually invited there. Hot young women, even ones who do nude pictorials and videos, may not be friendly, or friendly to certain guys – never mind getting to see any skin. Yes, hot young women are friendly to Hugh Hefner. On camera. For money. It doesn't mean they'd be friendly to Anthony Washington.

As far as the "hot young women" thing, I think back to a story Dennis Prager tells. He once saw a sign announcing an appearance by a Playboy playmate, and he figured he was in for some good eye candy. So he went, and if I recall correctly there were a few people sitting at a table (perhaps it was a book signing) and he actually had to ask which one was the playmate. He reasons that since he had to ask, then how much more beautiful than any other woman could she be? Of course, when someone's sitting at a table and wearing a cap and sunglasses as she probably was, she's not going to look anything like she does in pictures – and, attractive women tend to hang out with other attractive women. Regardless, though, there is truth to what Prager says. A lot of it is lighting, make-up, photo retouching, etc.

The most important thing to land that gig is the "right" facial features. If a woman is not already famous and thus wanted by the magazine editors, then she doesn't stand a chance of being featured unless she has the face for it. After that, she has to be very thin. Bust size doesn't really matter all that much, contrary to stereotype. The face, and a thin figure with proportions that will work on camera – if a young woman has those two physical attributes, and can model, then they can work with her. The people who put those images together are experienced professionals and they've done research into what turns on their target readers and know exactly what they're doing in regards to the posing, the makeup, the lighting, etc.

This is a long way of saying that just because there are hot pictures in that magazine does not mean that the women will look like that in person.

It ain't worth your life. It wouldn't be worth it even if they did look like that.

And ladies, your husband doesn't care if you don't look anything like one of those playmates. Nothing is more beautiful to him than a woman who loves him, respects him, treats him right, and enthusiastically makes love with him. Static magazine pictures or video, even of smooth skin and toned legs, just can't hold a candle.

Technical Difficulty

I had a problem with the previous post that published it without a key component... namely, the original question. I think it is fixed now. So if you already read it, go back and read it again.

A Big Question About Sex, Marriage, and Morality

I now believe sex is for marriage. I have written about many of the instances and relationships of my years before marriage in which I fornicated – had sex outside of marriage. Although I do think that fornication is wrong, I generally don't look at is as the end of the world. Compromising relationships, bonding with the wrong person, catching/spreading sexually transmitted diseases, and making a baby out of wedlock who you're not prepared to raise – those are problems in increasingly serious order that result from fornication. The last one is especially bad if it results in a slaughtered baby. And guys – that is always a possibility with fornication... that your sex partner will kill your baby. Actually, it is a possibility with married sex, too, but not as likely. (Note: the most important reason a believer has to not fornicate is that the Bible and other authorities say sex is for marriage.)

So there are good reasons to avoid fornication, especially intercourse.

But we have to be honest – there are reasons to fornicate. It often feels good (for men, almost always), even in the instances that bring negative feelings later. The reasons seem good at the time. And I can't say I didn't enjoy my immoral behavior. But I also know that it was a tradeoff. There were things I lost as a result of my sin.

What brings all of this up again? Well, for the most part I find that my worldview clearly "works". But one of those tough areas I hadn't resolved is found in this problem:

How do you know you are marrying someone with whom you are sexually compatible unless you have some amount/level of sex with them before marrying them?

This isn't merely academic for me, since these are issues my children will be facing. There's just got to be good material out there that isn't written by wrinkly old people who’ve been married for 40 years and forget what it was like to be young, tempted, unsure, seeking, and hormonal – or by some beautiful, sexy couple who both enjoy sex and married at age 19. There's got to be some material that is helpful and realistic and not entirely hypothetical, but based on someone with real life experience in dealing with the issues. Someone with a sex drive who has dealt with today's culture and avoided fornication at least into his or her late twenties, and if married now, has a good lovemaking life.

Also, a reader of mine endured a marriage to a closeted homosexual man. I'm sure this happens in churches more that most people realize. Someone with homosexual feelings tries to follow the Biblical model for sex and marriage by marrying someone of the opposite sex, and that person and their intended don't have sex before marriage – they may even marry as virgins. And everyone in the church and their families applauds and says "Wow, they did things the right way." They may consummate their marriage that night or not. Troubles consummating the marriage or a lack of newlywed lovemaking frequency may be blamed on it all being so new to them or even having suppressed their libido for years. But then the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months, and the months into years. Frustration and feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and bitterness build, and one or both will likely engage in adultery. Sometimes, the homosexual person isn't aware when they agree to marry that they won't be able to carry on a normal, mutually satisfying lovemaking life with their intended spouse; other times, it is a matter of wishful thinking or something intentionally more selfish.

Other people have little or no sex drive and are unwilling to do anything to change that, or were abused and traumatized and are unwilling to get the help they need to overcome that to have a normal and mutually satisfying lovemaking life with a spouse.

Perhaps a smaller problem but still an issue is incompatibility between two normal, healthy spouses. Sure, a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman are sexually compatible in the most basic physical sense, but if both spouses will only engage in intercourse if they are on top, that's going to be a problem. If a woman can't orgasm through intercourse but the husband refuses to pleasure her through oral sex or manual sex (with or without an aid) and won't let her masturbate (with or without an aid), then she's only going to be able to have an orgasm when she's hiding from him or he's not around. And that's a problem. There are many examples like this... men wanting fellatio and women who refuse to do it, so on and so forth.

As I think I've written before, one of my girlfriends told me her mother had told her to never marry someone without having taken the test drive. But neither of them had religious or moral beliefs that said such behavior was wrong.

I wrote to my reader:

Fighting Angst

A few years back I heard about “quarter-life crisis” for 20s-somethings. Well, sounds to me like this girl has 1/8th-life crisis. WHO AM I? VALRICO, FLA. wrote in to Deat Abby:

I am a 12-year-old girl who is not happy with who I am.

The good news is there is plenty of time to change that.

When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like when I was older -- and this is not who I want to be.

Twelve can be a tough age. In many respects you’re just a child and when it comes to priveledges and freedoms, you are treated like one. But you’re also starting to become who you will be as and adult, and you are quite often given obligations and expected to behave as though you are an adult.

I am the girl everyone wants to date.

You sound humble, too.

I have lost people close to me lately and made mistakes I wish I could take back.

Learn. If you really are the girl everyone wants to date, many guys will lash out when you reject them, and other girls will be jealous.

I love God and the fact that He gave me life, but I don't like myself.

Okay, for my readers who aren't theists, bear with me here, or skip to the next quote. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect. What He wants most of all is for you to know Him. Part of that is recognizing that He made you (and that makes you wonderful), asking Him for help, and fessing up to Him when you do make your mistakes. God allows you to carry out His work, knowing full well that you'll make mistakes along the way. Honor His delegation of good deeds.

People treat me like I have no feelings sometimes, and I'm tired of drama that isn't worth my time.

Some people are insensitive, and that's something you're going to have to deal with in life.

I want to change who I am to who I really want to be.

Do you have any tips on how to make myself the person I want to be, and not the person everyone else wants?

Not spefically, since you didn't explain who you want to be. Here's my advice...

Be yourself, but work on improving yourself. Accept that you're not going to be perfect, but you can learn and grow and do/be better. If there is something specific you want as part of your identity, figure out how you're going to get there from here. You can find out from others who have done the same thing how to do it. Break the process down into manageable steps.

You're too young to really be dating, so if a boy is interested in you, ask your parents if you can invite him over to play games or watch a movie or work on schoolwork or a project together. Since so many want to date you, you should be able to pick the best boys out of that bunch.

Speaking of parents, where is your dad? Is he in the picture? If he is and he's not a complete jerk, go to him and tell him what you wrote to Dear Abby, and he'll set you straight. He was once twelve himself.

Very few people your age know exactly how they want their lives as adults and actually end up with that life. But there are those that do. So if you really know how you want things to be, you're young enough that you can steer the ship of your life in the right direction.

Dear Abby had a good response.

At 12, you're not frozen into any role. There is time to change your image. While it may be flattering to be someone "everyone wants to date," you are not obligated to date anyone. Concentrate on improving your grades, becoming active in sports, developing your interests and a stronger relationship with your church. If you do, you will form different kinds of relationships that will enable you to become the person you want to be.

Yes. Learn to play the school grade game well, but also learn how to learn. Those aren't necessarily the same thing. Practicing at least one sport is a good idea, and having a hobby. The church thing is good, and if that isn't enough, find a charity to support with volunteer efforts – you might even be able to find one through your church. Avoid substance abuse, crime, and hanging out with people who engage in those things. Heed this advice, and you'll be ahead of the game.

Can any of you remember what you were thinking at age twelve?

It Can Be Better

The Generous Husband says sex can be much better than it is.

As with a better marriage, a vital step is to believe it’s possible. Your sex life is unlikely to ever be better than you think it can be – set low goals, and you will achieve nothing more than that low goal. Set a higher goal, convinced that it’s possible, and it may happen. Get your bride on board believing it’s possible, and LOOK OUT! No matter how poor or great you sex life is now, it can be better.

Attitude certainly is important. The caution to this statement is that, with anything in life, one must be willing to positively deal with disappointment should a high goal not be met. And in this case. We're not talking about losing weight or breaking a personal best in an individual sport; we're talking about something that depends on someone else's cooperation.

There is one other very important thing. I think what limits our sex lives more than anything, even more than porn use or sexual abuse, is a lukewarm marriage. Our marriage in general is the foundation for our sex life. A small or weak foundation cannot support a great, large building, and a small, weak marriage cannot support an active, deeply pleasurable sex life.

It's a chicken-and-egg sort of thing, really. A better sex life can mean a better marriage, and a better marriage can mean a better sex life. If someone is having trouble improving the lovemaking, perhaps focusing on improving other aspect of the marriage will help and the improvement of the lovemaking will follow.

Unfortunately, many (the majority?) of husbands are so deeply dissatisfied with their sex lives, and frankly are so “hard up”, that they can think of little other than sex. It’s not that they don’t care about their marriage, and it’s not that they don’t want their marriage to be better – but the constant screaming of their sex drive makes it very difficult to hear, much less focus on, anything else.

That is a very important truth about the male mind that women can't automatically know, and may not believe, but it is true. As good as we men are at compartmentalizing most things, if we're sexually frustrated, it can seem that "everything" is wrong and it can be hard for us to function well mentally and emotionally. Throw in the outside sexuality and images of women we're bombarded with every day, and we get distracted. The flip side of this is that if the lovemaking is awesome, then everything else is better, too. Seriously, if you need to tell us you put a major dent in our prize automobile, tell us after you've just given us a mind-blowing lovemaking session.

I see two ways to work past this “blockage”.

Go read the entry for those two ways.

One of the ways I like to look at sex is as a hobby. Sure, marital lovemaking is a reproductive experience (in most marriages), spiritual experience, bonding experience, an expression and communication of love, play, exercise, and so many other things. But it is also a hobby, an art if you will. If we practice at it, research it, and try new things, we can get better and better at it.

Good Advice From the Generous Wife

Lori of The Generous Wife did a series on What Husbands Want. This installment was called "Love Me, Love My Sexuality".

A man's sexuality is an integral part of who he is. When his sexuality is appreciated and satisfied, he feels genuinely loved and deeply satisfied.

Very true.

The single most mentioned thing from the men was "desire me sexually" followed by "please initiate sex" (which is very much the same thing because initiating means you desire him).

Again, very true. Sure, there are a few guys who don't like the wife to ever initiate, but most husbands very much enjoy it.

You'll have to click through to her entry to see all of the mentions, but here are some of them:

surprise me!

Surprises are good, provided they aren’t obviously bad surprises, like cheating.

please be willing to be creative in the bedroom (this was everything from "please don't think I'm into porn because I want to try something new," to desiring creativity to deal with physical problems and limitations), for many men creativity is a normal, good part of sex, not a comment about dissatisfaction.

We like variety!

Generous tip: Think of three different ways to invite your husband to have sex (and try them out on him over the next week). For example, there is the "honey, could you help me with this curtain rod" (or whatever excuse you can think of to get him into the bedroom) followed by an ambush. There is also the direct approach, "honey, you have on too many clothes." You could write up an invitation or call him on his cell phone when you know he is on the way home.

These are excellent suggestions, ladies. Can you think of more? Are there creative things (in initiation or some other sexual or romantic aspect) you'd like your husband to try? Perhaps you can give him a list and say, "Surprise me sometime by doing at least one of these."

Someone is Missing the Clues

One friend wants more. HESITANT IN FLORIDA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm in love with my best friend.

That can be a very good thing or a very bad thing.

It seems so simple when I say it, but when it comes to telling him, the words never come out right.

I'm assuming this was written by a teen girl or a college-aged woman who doesn't have much relationship experience.

Maybe you can say more with actions instead of words?

I don't know if I should even say anything.

Whatever you do, you should not pine away, doing nothing about it.

What if it ruins the amazing friendship we already have?

That certainly is a risk, if your friendship was really based on your attraction to him. But if you truly developed a mutual friendship and then fell for him, you should still be able to be friends either way.

Is it worth risking it all?

Yes. Because it will either emotionally free you to date others, or you'll discover he has mutual feelings.

Dear Abby responded:

Yes, it is, so tell him how you feel. If he has feelings for you, you'll get what you're angling for. If he doesn't, it does not mean your friendship must end.

But the friendship will end if it was based on her attraction to him and she can't stand the rejection.

If the writer is as young as I think she is, she shouldn't get so wrapped up in a romantic relationship anyway. It would be great if they have mutual feelings... he'll feel like he hit the jackpot and it will be great to have a date who is also your best friend for all of those social events. But neither of them should close off the possibility of dating others, or let their education suffer.

But think it through. If he doesn't find her attractive, then he may be friends with her because he likes having a female friend without that tension, and that will change if she expresses her feelings for him. If he has mutual feelings for her, he hasn't done anything about it and that means he's shy and/or lacking in confidence (or is forbidden by his parents from dating). Is that really what she wants? I'm writing this as a guy who had crushes in school (granted, none of them were my best friends) that I let go on way too long without saying anything to the girls I was adminiring. In the cases I where I did say something the results were, what I felt at the time, disastrous. But I was the guy, so maybe my situation was inherently different than hers. And, I was able to be friends with past girlfriends.

One more caution that just occurred to me. Maybe the guy is gay. If he is, hopefully he will not take the opportunity to use her as a beard to aid him in staying in the closet. He may already be doing so. If he is gay, he just might tell her (which would be better than using her as a beard) and then they can continue being best friends with no sexual tension.

It is much easier to find a romantic partner and then become best friends than the other way around. That is because almost always, when a woman first meets a man and she places him in the "friend" category rather than the "he's hot/cute/otherwise attractive" category, she will never truly let him be any more than a friend. That is why I wonder if this guy became her "best friend" because she found him attractive all along.

Do you have experience with a situation like this? I suspect the girl I suspect the girl with whom I went to the senior prom and had a light relationship with through high school had been harboring a crush on me for a while before she got my attention. In more recent years but before I married, someone with whom I had worked made a statement (in front of a room full of others) that alerted me that she has been harboring a crush on me. But those were rare events, because I'm not the kind of guy who wants into a room and turns the heads of women.