When Other People Tell You What ‘You’ Want

Some of the most entertaining radio is when Tom Leykis does an hour on how he enjoys being unmarried and living alone - and women call up to argue with him, thereby proving his point for him: that he doesn’t want to live with anyone else, let alone an argumentative, presumptuous nag.

It is amusing to listen to people who know only what Leykis has revealed about himself on the air try to tell Leykis what he really wants – as if a carefully thought-out, successful, middle-aged man who has (by his own public statement) spent a lot of time in therapy and has been married four times, has had other women living with him, and has lived alone (so he's experienced many different lifestyles) needs a stranger to tell him what he “really” wants as far as a living arrangement. Most likely, these people are really communicating what they want, or what they have and think they should be happy with, but may not be.

I think he has a good idea by now what he wants. Now, I chose to get married. That’s what I wanted. I don’t presume to think that is what everyone wants.

When women call in to argue with Leykis to tell him he either doesn't really like living alone, or he shouldn't, they are reinforcing one of the main reasons WHY he - and other men - choose to live alone: peace, quiet, and autonomy.

Tips at Starbucks

Recently, a California court ruled that Starbucks “baristas” in California were due money because they had to share tips with shift supervisors, who got a portion of the tips in the store tip jar.

I don’t get this.

Shift supervisors are the first level of management, true, but they are working right there on the front lines with the baristas. If I was a shift supervisor at a Starbucks in California, I would henceforth refuse to do anything but “manage”. Down a barista and the baristas who showed up are overwhelmed? Too bad! Why should a shift supervisor have to do work that baristas are tipped for, but be denied the tips?

Noelle Kooler of Beverly Hills wrote in to the Los Angeles Times, making my point:

As a former barista and shift supervisor at Starbucks, I am angered by the court's decision. Yes, I am a part of the class-action group that would receive additional tip money. However, the principles behind this lawsuit are outrageous. I've worked in three stores, and in every one, the shift supervisor does almost double the work of a barista. They help customers, make drinks, train new baristas and ensure that the store functions when the managers are away. They earn only a few dollars an hour more than a barista. When I worked at Starbucks, I was a struggling college student and needed those tips. To rule that baristas are more deserving is ludicrous -- tips should be shared evenly.

But I have to wonder why courts are involved in this anyway. I mean really – if some baristas were not happy with the tip situation, why didn’t they just quit and work elsewhere? That’s what people should do when they don’t like a company’s policies or procedures. Nobody is holding a gun to your head to keep you there.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, why are people tipping other people for doing their jobs? I tip for personalized service. Putting coffee into a cup is not personalized service. Carrying my bags a distance is. Waiting on me is. But don’t worry, you baristas – you won’t be making coffee for me and then not getting a tip from me - I don’t frequent Starbucks because it is incredibly overpriced and the whole thing is pretentious.

Hmmm, maybe I should put a tip jar on my desk at the office. Or maybe on my office door, right under my name.

Dr. Laura, Governor Spitzer, and Media Distortions

The blogosphere continues to fill up with angry reactions to what Dr. Laura Schlessinger said on the Today Show, or more often, reactions to misinterpretations of what Dr. Laura said on the Today Show.

These anti-Dr. Laura reactions tend to fall into three categories:

1) How dare she blame Governor Spitzer’s wife for his use of prostitutes!
2) How dare she blame wives for their husbands cheating!
3) I hate Dr. Laura! I don’t really care what she said, I just like bashing her!

I need not deal with #3.

Regarding #1, as Dr. Laura has explained, and as I wrote before, her comments were NOT about Governor Spitzer. Anyone who continues to promote this lie is spreading bogus gossip.

Regarding #2 – this isn’t really true, either. Nowhere does she condone infidelity or excuse anyone for engaging in it. What Dr. Laura said (and has consistently taught) is that if a woman chooses a decent guy to marry, and she keeps him satisfied (emotionally and sexually), which is not complicated, then he will not stray. Now, there are bloggers out there who still are upset with her for that claim. They seem to deny that wives have any power to keep their husband from cheating. Well, that is true - if you married a bum. But not all men are bums. (Some women tend to take the position that all men are bums, but they can change one to being okay through highly limited access to their magic vagina.)

Some of these people seem to want to deny that women should have any responsibility for the condition of their marriage. Strange, really, especially when it comes from people who claim to be feminists and for women having power. They think women don’t have the power to choose a decent guy to marry, or to make a happy marriage – yet most of them want(ed) to get married anyway.

Some of these bloggers dismiss a husband’s need for sex. True, he doesn’t need sex in the same way that he needs food, water, and air, but one of the main reasons a normal, healthy man gets married is for sex. If he’s not getting enough from his wife, he has much less incentive to care all that much about his marriage, or staying faithful to his wife. He is much more responsive to temptation. Many of these same female bloggers had no problem fornicating with their man as often as he expressed any interest… before they got married. But once they have that man’s signature on the contract, they suddenly stop caring as much about keeping him interested or satisfied. They expect that the threat of alimony will be enough to keep him in line. This is one reason why more men are delaying marriage or refusing to marry at all.

Women and men are different. A woman has no idea what it is like to be a man, or how a husband needs sex. Some wives understand that much, and thus make an effort to tend to him, even if she’s not “feeling it”. Women who do this often do end up having fun and enjoying the moment – and with a happier, more attentive husband, and having to deal with more of those pesky orgasms. Other women simply dismiss that they should tend to their husband’s needs. They belittle him when they do this. It’s sad, really. And while it is breaking his vows for him to stray, wives are also breaking their vows (usually) when they fail to love, honor, and cherish, which includes making love when your spouse wants it.

A Jerk Walks Into Dr. Laura’s Den

Today, Dr. Laura was talking with a guy who was angry because he and his wife had agreed (according to him, anyway) to wait until they'd been married five years before having children, and that she agreed to have an abortion if she got pregnant "too early".

She got pregnant "too early" and decided against abortion, and so this guy was taking it out by not being the father he should be to his kid.

Dr. Laura told him - like she tells women - to pretend to be happy for the sake of his child. She told him to stop thinking of himself as the center of the universe, and to love his wife and child, and he’ll feel like the center of their universe.

She also asked why a woman would stay with a man who wanted her to kill her baby, which is a really good point. That woman should have taken off before conceiving a baby with him.

Like me, Dr. Laura recognizes killing babies to be wrong. She did bring that up with the caller, but he thinks that somehow, the baby only becomes a baby when he or she makes it to the second trimester. Which brings up the question... what was growing inside his wife before that?

Anyway, it is possible that the woman agreed to his conditions, but any guy with a brain recognizes that women change their minds, especially after eating wedding cake and even more so when they have a baby growing inside them and their hormones are runnin’ wild. There is also a chance the woman got pregnant on purpose, knowing the law would hold this guy to his financial obligations, if not his emotional ones. But like Dr. Laura said, she should have left the guy before that could happen.

The guy has serious problems, and he needs to get over them. He’s made a baby with his wife and he needs to give that child his all. If he doesn't want another kid, he should undergo the snip-snip. But there’s a woman out there who married him and stayed with him, and kept having sex with him, and made a baby with him.

When I was a shy, introverted teen, I actually used to worry that I'd never have a serious girlfriend. I should have looked around and realized that even serial killers stuck on Death Row get chicks throwing themselves at them.

The News Isn't Always Accurate

This story names the wrong David as having gotten booted from American Idol last night. What makes it even a bigger mistake is that the David they say got booted is the presumed frontrunner.

Not that any of this this really matters.

Dr. Laura and Disgraced Governor Spitzer

Have you ever interacted with the news media? Have you ever been an in-person eyewitness to/participant in an event that was later recounted in a newspaper article? If so, you’ve probably noticed that the news media doesn’t always get everything exactly right. Quotes get butchered. Some details get left out. Headlines are misleading.

Dr. Laura appeared on NBC’s the Today Show to promote her new book. They asked her for her opinion on why men cheat. She explained her position that if a woman chooses a good man to marry, and she treats him the way a man needs to be treated, then he’s not going to cheat. The Today Show, their cohorts and MSNBC, and others immediately turned this into “Dr. Laura Blames Governor Spitzer’s Wife For His Use of Whores”. But, THAT IS NOT WHAT SHE SAID. It just makes for good copy.

Immediately, the bloggers jumped on this – you know, the ones that hate Dr. Laura because she thinks women hold some responsibility for their own happiness, parents should actually raise their own children, sex is for marriage, and because she used to say, back in the 1990s, that homosexual acts were against the teachings of the Bible. How dare she!

In addition to going bonkers over her assertion that women should choose their husbands carefully and then treat him kindly, many of the bloggers and commenters brought out the same old, tired attacks about Dr. Laura’s past, things her adult son may or may not have put on MySpace, her relationship with her mother, that she told military spouses/families not to whine to their spouses who are serving in a war zone (misrepresented as “military families should never complain about anything to anyone), and the very, very tired old “Letter to Dr. Laura” regarding homosexuality and the Bible.

It looks like it is fun to knock down straw men, or to not deal with the issue at all but rather dismiss someone’s opinion by saying something nasty about them. Apparently, nobody who has ever made mistakes can ever point out that something is right or wrong or give any helpful advice, even if they've turned their lives around and have undergone a religious conversion and a whole philosophical conversion.

But getting back to the original issue… Nowhere does Dr. Laura excuse men for their decisions to commit adultery. However, she recognizes that if a wife isn't living by her marital vows (which are more than just "forsaking all others"), THEN a man is more likely not to live by his, either.

A lot of the whiners want to believe that women have no power in their relationships, or no ability to a choose a decent man. It is easier to bash Dr. Laura than admit that some wives may not be treating their husbands right, or may have chosen a man who was poor husband material. (A lot of women mistakenly think they can change the man, as if their vagina is magical.)

I do think cheating is wrong and should not be excused. But if the refrigerator is empty, a lot of men are going to hit the drive-thru. I really don't get the prostitute thing, myself - nowadays, it is so easy to find women who will gadly jump right into bed with you, especially if they think that you are rich and powerful, as Spitzer is.

Speaking of power, many of the hate-filled bloggers have complained that Dr. Laura places a lot of responsibility on women. When women call Dr. Laura, she tells them what THEY can do to make things better. She can't very well tell their husbands what they can do if they aren't on the phone with her. When a man calls, she tells him what HE can do. It isn't a matter of bashing either sex, but she does recognize that men and women are different (shocking!). You see, dealing with reality is much more effective than denying it, and then being bitter and angry when things don’t seem to be working out the way you want.

And lets not forget that there were *women* willing to have sex with a married man for money. Do they not have any responsibility for this?

Really, “men = bad, women = good” is getting really old, and so are the rantings of people who are spreading false witness against a radio show host/author. Spitzer did a horrible thing. But there are men who are in marriages where their wives have broken their vows to love, honor, and cherish, or what-have-you, yet all that seems to matter is if the husband has broken his vow to "forsake all others."

Don't want to put in the effort to find a good, husband-material (that involves a lot more than simply how much money he makes) man and treat him the way he needs to be treated? Then don't get married.