Men: When Someone Tells You That You Should Get Married

Here's how you should respond when someone says you should get married. Some of you have already done some of these because you're in a relationship, so you can skip down to what's relevant to your situation.

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So let me get this straight about what it is you are encouraging me to do:

1) I'm to approach women and ask them out, putting my worth and future in their hands. I shouldn't do this where I work, of course, or with women who work in the same company, or the sisters or daughters of my friends, or any woman who is my friend, or any woman associated with anyone with whom I want to stay in contact long-term.

2) Then I'm supposed to plan a date that will be something they like, even though I know little or nothing about them.

3) Then I'm supposed to cater to their needs and listen to their boring and/or disjointed ramblings about themselves and their poor choices and perhaps suffer an interrogation by them, as I pay for their dinner and entertainment even though they are supposedly my equal.

4) I'm supposed to buy this woman, who earns her own money, pointless and impractical gifts like cut flowers.

5) I'm supposed to repeat steps 1-4 until there's a woman who decides she wants to keep seeing me and doesn't want any other women seeing me, and I'm supposed to agree to this.

6) I'm expected to keep repeating step 2, just with this woman.

7) I'm expected to keep repeating step 3, just with this woman.

8) I'm expected to keep repeating step 4, just with this woman.

9) Then I'm supposed to meet her family and pretend to care about them, deal with their interrogations, and try to impress them.

10) Next comes either:

  a) letting her move into my place, where she will proceed to either nag me to remove perfectly good items because some other woman once touched them or she will do it without even asking me
  b) moving in to her place, where most of my stuff will not be allowed
  c) finding an apartment with her and signing a lease for at least a year, where she will proceed to either nag me to remove perfectly good items because some other woman once touched them or she will do it without even asking me
  d) buying a home with her, where she will proceed to either nag me to remove perfectly good items because some other woman once touched them or she will do it without even asking me

Whichever is the case, even if it is my home and I have paid for all of it, I can be kicked out of it at her whim, enforced by armed police officers, and I will still compelled to pay for it.

[Note that in a few cases, Step 10 will come after 12 or 16.]

11) Buy an expensive, useless piece of jewelry for her (even though we are supposedly equals) that is part of a sham that was perpetrated by the diamond industry extremely recently in human history.

12) Plan and execute an elaborate (and likely expensive) proposal in which I will get down on one knee (even though she's supposedly my equal) and ask this woman to let me:

  a) sign a legal contract with her that is to her advantage and my disadvantage, which such provisions as:
   -at least half of everything I'll be earning will belong to this woman
   -any child born to this woman, even if through adultery, will be my financial responsibility for 18-25 years, even if the woman promised she couldn't get pregnant
   -she will be my default beneficiary AND will be able to make medical decisions for me should I become unable to communicate
   -should she decide to leave me or should I decide to leave her, for whatever reason, I will have to pay for her legal team as well as my  own
   -I will also have to make alimony payments to her, maybe for life

  b) make a public promise that carries the social expectation that places my sexual satisfaction entirely up to the whims of one aging, irrational woman who likely wants sex a lot less than I do.

13) Endure (and likely pay for) a series of women-centered events with many complicated family interactions, power plays, conflicts, and other drama in which every unsettled score is acted upon leading up to the wedding. There might be separate bachelor and bachelorette parties. The bachelor party will either be bland or will get me into trouble, probably for the rest of my life. The bachelorette party will likely involve my wife-to-be sucking the penis of some male stripper.

14) I'll be expected to pay for and plan an expensive trip to some place she wants to go.

15) Endure (and likely pay for) an expensive wedding ceremony in which I make promises to my disadvantage and then sign a legal document that is to my disadvantage (see step 12).

16) Endure (and likely pay for) a tiring reception where the family drama carries over and festers.

17) Drop longtime friends either because they didn't attend the wedding, didn't get the right gift, or didn't behave in a way the woman/her family approved of while at the reception. Also, lose longtime friends and contacts who weren't invited.

18) Take on her debts and bills.

19) Take on her problems.

20) Endure her moods, hormones, and, increasingly likely, her mental illness problems.

21) Be blamed for her not being happy even though she doesn't even know what would make her happy.

22) Pay for counseling/therapy during which she'll bitch about me and demand I change.

23) Endure having her friends, sisters, and mother know everything about me, especially the things she doesn't like.

24) Endure her friends and family.

25) Have my living conditions, time, spending, and social calendar at least somewhat controlled by her.

This doesn't even include all of the expense and mess dealing with any exes she has, children she has, her agreeing to have children or not have children and changing her mind and her nagging about wanting to have children or her aborting children I want.

So… THAT is what you want me to do?

TL;DR: "So basically you want me to stop doing what I like doing and do a bunch of expensive things I don't want to do, and give other people more control over my life?"

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