High School Kid Mourns Over What Is Not Yet Lost

LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND IN LOUISIANA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a junior in high school and will graduate next year. I attend a private school where I have made many good friends -- teachers included -- and have created many happy memories.

I have just been hit with the realization that my time in high school is running out. Once I leave for college, I may never see or talk to my friends here again. I can't process the thought of having such great friends and mentors and losing them. I'm afraid for the future and how I will miss everything I've experienced at my school.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with all this? I can barely sleep because I feel like it's only going to get worse.

I can identify with this kid. I felt much the same way, although not to the point of losing sleep. But as a teen, I never was one of those who were just dying to get older. I realized that I was only going to be 13, 14, 15, etc. once. That the moment I was in was not going to last. That life comes to an end. Stopping to smell the roses is a good idea, while still planning for the future.

This kid actually has an advantage. A lot of classmates haven’t really stopped to consider the implications. Or they are so miserable they just can’t want to get out and get away.

Unlike when I was that age, online communications are such that you never really have to lose touch anyone who wants to keep in touch. My advice would be to spend some time with these people one-on-one or in small groups (peers, I’m talking about – not adults), and set down the groundwork for an ongoing friendship. Make the effort to keep in touch. Everyone’s busy right now with their crushes and with trying to finish school and get into the college of their choice, so an effort has to be made to keep in contact.

Keep a contact list, complete with things like birthdays and notes about someone’s family and interests. Social networking sites pretty much do this for you already.

Consider setting up a desk with nice stationary, a nice pen, envelopes, special stamps and address labels, and actually writing these people through snail mail. Or, do it electronically.

Don't be surprised, though, if you only keep in contact with a handful of people. Some people are lazy about staying in touch, or they get so wrapped up in their education and career and significant other that they don't have the time. Or, you'll find that there really wasn't much to the relationship other than your shared geography, institution, and age... and that won't be enough.

As far as the teachers and other adults, approach them when the professional relationship is ending, and let them know you admire them and appreciate what they’ve done (a gift might be a good idea) and let them know you’d like to keep in contact. Most teachers especially like it when former students drop by to offer some encouragement.

Married Working Father in School = No Alone Time

"SELFISH" IN SPRINGFIELD wrote in to Dear Abby:

For the last five years I have had no time for myself.

Not good.

I'm 30 and have a wonderful wife and two daughters, 7 and 4. I work a 40-hour week and go to school full-time.

Well yeah, that will do it. Let me guess... the reason you're going to school full-time now is because you were busy getting married and making babies when you should have been finishing you education?

I don't want to sound selfish, because I know that my priorities are my wife and daughters, and I enjoy spending "quality time" with them. But I also feel that every other week or so, I should be able to get away for a few hours by myself to enjoy 18 holes of golf or go fishing.

Well yeah, that's the way things should be, but when does your family get to see you?

If I tell my wife I'm going to do something, she makes me feel guilty. If I ask, she gives me the third degree. I know she doesn't need or want time to herself because I have asked her repeatedly if she does, hoping she'd return the favor -- but she doesn't give me "permission."

She thinks that because she doesn't need time alone, you don't either. You could have more, legitimately, if you weren't going to school full-time. Higher education is optional. But then your wife might still be unhappy. Are you keeping yourself busy to avoid her? You describe her as "wonderful" but it sounds like she is insecure and emotionally needy.

How do I find time for myself and tell my wife without upsetting her?

You can't. Her feelings are hers, and they aren't necessarily rational.

Dear Abby responded:

You have a full schedule and you deserve quality time for yourself.

Not at the expense of his children.

And be sure to tell her that having some time to yourself will make you a better husband and father -- because it's the truth.

You can't be better at something if you're never around to do it.

Here it is, people. Do your education before you get married and before you have kids. Or it waits until your kids are grown.

I feel for the guy, but he chose his wife and he created this situation.

My wife knew early on I needed and wanted my alone time. And yet, I hardly get any ever, and I'm not going to school. Why don't I get any time alone? Because I have a career, I have a household to help run. I have kids to raise. The kids need their father. My "alone time" is almost entirely confined to being stuck in traffic when I'm driving alone, usually work-related.

I recently gave my wife a break. I suspect she spends more time shopping than she needs to, just to have the time, but I wanted to give her a block of time, so I named a day and told her she was to do with that day whatever she wanted. I was responsible for the kids without her help. She enjoyed it, and I was glad to do it for her. I'd like to have my alone time, but I made my life the way it is.

Where Are the Men?

Big Brothers Big Sisters is looking for volunteers. Perhaps if men weren't automatically assumed by much of society to be pedophile predators, more men wold volunteer.

I would never put my freedom or my family at risk by doing any job or volunteer position in which I could be at a higher risk for false accusations.

I remember how abortion was supposed to greatly reduce the number of children who would be around in want of a mentor. So many millions of slaughtered babies later, it turned out to be a lie, didn't it?

The Responsibilities of Fathers

I'm a husband and a father. I was born to and raised by a married mother and father. Half of all of my ancestors were fathers. So I think I know a little thing about this topic. I thought I would come up with a list, roughly in order of importance. This is a work in progress. The second half of the list are things that can be delegated to hired help and may be out of order. I'd like your feedback, serious or funny.

Responsibilities of Fathers:

1. Being There

2. Loving Their Momma (that’s a whole ‘nother list in itself)

3. Spiritual and Moral Instruction and Leadership

4. Bodyguard/Firearms Instructor

5. Being a Straight Guy Who Tells and Shows a Daughter She’s a Worthy Lady Without Trying to Sell Her Something or Get in Her Pants

6. Scaring the Hell Out of Guys Who Want to Date the Daughter

7. Teaching a Son How to Be a Man and Not to Get Played By a Woman

8. Enforcer

9. Backup Diaper Changer/Baby Burper

10. Walking ATM

11. Sports Trainer/Horseplay Participant/Cheerleader

12. Family Accountant/Financial Planner (Often shared by or deferred to the wife.)

13. Handyman

14. Mechanic

15. Cameraman

16. Trash Eliminator

17. Remover of Scary Critters

18. Mower of the Lawn

19. Chauffeur

20. Gofer

21. Door Opener

22. Installer of Electronics

23. Lifter of Heavy Objects

24. Opener of Jars

25. Reacher of High Places

26. Fire Guy (BBQ Chef, Fireplace Stoker)

27. Comic Relief

28. Deal Negotiator



Your thoughts?

(Side note... the pace of my blogging here and dropped off due to my time being taken up by more important things... some of which I am likely to write about.)

Valentine's Day is Not Enjoyable For Most Men

A reminder from The Playful Walrus.

Crying Wolf

Oops. According to law enforcement, an OC woman made up a story about being attacked. Ann M. Simmons reports at LATimes.com.

A Laguna Niguel woman who made up a story about being attacked has been charged with filing a false police report and resisting arrest, authorities said.

Prosecutors said that on Feb. 2, Danielle Rene Deichman, 20, reported the attack to the Orange County Sheriff's Department, telling deputies that a man had grabbed her from behind and tried to push her to the ground, but that she was able to kick him in the groin and escape.

Kicking in the groin is not nearly as effective in situations like this as kicking in the knee. This is based on my knowledge of anatomy, not my experience with attacks (of which I have none, as an adult).

Details of Deichman's account closely mirrored an assault that had occurred exactly one week earlier in the same location and had been reported by the media, authorities said. Investigators suspected Deichman had lied, and arrested her after conducting a follow-up interview on Feb. 3, officials said.

At least she didn't name someone.

According to information released by the district attorney's office, Deichman struggled and resisted arrest, slightly injuring officers as they were trying to handcuff her.

Lovely.

What are the reasons someone would do the things she has been charged with? Attention? The chace to get a show on E! ?

Whether or not she made up her story, when someone someone does make up a story like this, especially if sexual assault or rape part of the fabrication, it makes things more difficult for people who really do suffer such crimes.

Good Clean Fun

Save water. Shower with your spouse. SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together.

That's fairly common. Some even have breakfast together.

In fact, he claims that most couples do.

A majority probably have at some point.

Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there.

Ah… one of those. In bed. Under the sheets. Late at night. Light's out. Missionary-position only. Once a month?

I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower?

What's the problem? Is there something you don't want him to see? Is that where you shave your mustache? What if you took your shower and then allowed him to join you in the shower? Be glad he still wants you. If you wanted your privacy, you shouldn't have gotten married. Now, if he wanted to join you while you were on the toilet and you had a problem with that, I'd back you up.

I love getting in the shower with my wife.

I have have fond memories, from my wayward youth, of joining one girlfriend in the shower on a somewhat regular basis. At least once, she took the initiative to soap me up and manipulated me with her hand until I shuddered and got weak in the knees.

Dear Abby responded:

If you feel your time in the shower is sacred alone time, you're entitled to your feelings. If an encounter isn't pleasurable for both parties involved, then it's usually not particularly satisfying for either one.

Switch the sexes and ask yourself if Dear Abby would tell a man the same thing if he wrote in complaining that his wife wants to hold hands, hug, cuddle, and talk, and he doesn’t feel comfortable doing all that – he just wants to keep having intercourse with her. Wouldn't she tell him to get some therapy?

Why not get over the inhibitions?

So Many Questions

There's a lot of information missing from this letter. DAZED AND CONFUSED, MISSOULA, MONT wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have an awesome relationship with "Jack."

Great.

He's very attractive, polite, has a good job and is, basically, what I am looking for in a future husband.

Really? Aren't you leaving out a few, more important qualities? Yes, being attractive to you is important, especially if you want kids. Being polite is good, but aren't there a few more important qualities?

My problem? Jack left his longtime girlfriend for me. So how do I know he isn't going to do the same thing to me?

I've seen this very issue end up in divorce. A wife was paranoid about her husband because he left his previous girlfriend for her. Her insecurity became a self-fullfilling problem, and now kids are suffering as a result.

Well now. Her question is the $64,000 one, isn't it? That's one of many reasonas why it is good to only enter relationships with someone who was unattached. I never left a girlfriend for another. One of the problems of someone doing this is that they are less likely to really have figured out what went wrong. Did they pick wrong? Did they act wrong?

Dear Abby responded:

How old are you two? If you're teenagers, then Jack may still have acres of wild oats to sow, and what happened to his former girlfriend could happen to you.

That's a good point. Is the guy old enough to commit and in a place in his life where he'd really be able to? Is he really looking to commit? Does his past behavior indicate he is able to commit? Does he have a religious or otherwise personal moral obligation to commit that overrides the present-day legal negatives for husbands combined with the supply of plentiful casual sex so easy to find?

However, if you are older and mature, then surely you realize that men who are happy and satisfied in their relationships do not usually leave their girlfriends "for" someone. They leave because something they feel is important is missing.

I would insert the word "decent" before "men". A good guy who is truly committed does not leave a woman who treats him right for another woman.

So was his past girlfriend not treating him right? Or is he not a good guy? Jerks can be attractive, after all, even polite. If he simply saw an opportunity to "trade up" and he took it, then you're going to be history when he finds the next step up.

Are you absolutely sure he left her and isn't seeing both of you?

Without knowing more, there are two approaches that can be taken to make sure he doesn't leave you:

1. Check up on him constantly. Make sure you know exactly what he's doing and with whom 60/24/365 and what he's thinking. Do not allow him anything but the bare minimum contact with other women. Don't even let him look at picture of models. Try not to allow him any free time to spend without you.

OR...

2. Be a magnet. Be the kind of woman he couldn't be pried away from with a crowbar. See here, here, here, here, here, and here.

The first option is a lot less fun and actually tends to drive men away after a while. So if you try that, see if you can first get him to agree to have a binding legal agreement placing everything in your name. And crush his self-esteem and hopes.

(Choose option 2.)