Response to a Widowed Mother

The most visited entry on this blog, by a mile, is about why men shouldn't date single mothers. It has garnered hundreds of comments. One came in today from Anonymous that prompted me to respond:

You really broke my heart, I'm new to the dating scene. My husband passed away for years ago I'm in my young forties and I have three little girls that I love dearly. My husband died of no fault of my own and I'm widowed. It looks like I have no hope to ever find someone to love me because I have 3 kids even though they have their own checks that come with them until they're 18 men don't know that unless I tell them. If what you say is really What Men really think then I have no hope. My heart is so broken your article is so sad

Anonymous, I'm so sorry that that happened to you. You have my sympathies. I can't imagine what you've endured.

As I wrote in the entry on dating single mothers, it's a little different for your situation (being widowed through no fault of your own).

The "good" news for you is that there are PLENTY of men who don't think these things through and will take on a woman with kids, even though people like me would urge him not to.

But there's a lot of bad news and potentially bad news, including that the pickings are slim for a woman in her 40s even if she is child-free.

While your situation is different from a never-married or divorced mom, there are still enormous risks for a man. And there are problems for you, too. Here are some of the problems you're still facing:

1) Marriages in which there are stepchildren (which your children would be to him) have a 70% divorce rate, and the other 30% aren't all happy.

2) That's just marriages. Most relationships do not even get to that point. Do your kids really need the drama of a new man coming into their life, and then the breakup and him going back out of their life? And you being upset about it?

3) What if he has kids? If you're looking for a serious, lasting relationship, most men in the age range you should be dating are going to have kids; some are even going to have grandkids. That makes it even more complicated and chaotic. Let's say he has minor kids. And he marries you. So now his kids get to come VISIT him raising YOUR kids. How do you think that makes those kids feel? And do you think your kids will want to deal with these interlopers?

4) Kids whose parents do not bring around a new lover into their kids' life have a much lower risk of being abused than kids who are exposed to their parent's new lover(s). In other words, it appears that bringing your new lovers around your kids makes it more likely they will be abused. Imagine for a second the mind of a pedophile. I know, it's an icky thought. But do you think a pedophile is more likely to choose a woman who has kids (and their father isn't around!) or a woman who has no kids? So, you're a target. Scary thought, but it's sadly true.

Seems to me the best thing to do is: 1) Make sure you're done having kids, either through tubal ligation or hysterectomy or whatever. 2) Until your kids are grown, date when your kids are with their grandparents or aunts or uncles or friends, so your kids never have to meet your new lover(s) while they are still minors.

And, if you do things that way, the good news is that you can expand the age range of men you'll date. So, for example, if you want to try being with a younger man, go for it! You can find a lot of them willing to date a mother in her 40s because a lot of the their age are too busy with older men to date them.

I hope I've given you some perspective.

A Tale of an Alpha Male Father

One of Dr. Laura's favorite go-to stories about "alpha male" fathers dealing with boys who disrespect their mother is from a letter she got from a guy who recalls mouthing off to his mother until his father came into the room, grabbed him by the collar and/or pinned him up against the wall or some such maneuver, got into his face, and said "You will never talk to MY WOMAN that way!" And the letter writer claimed it worked.

Dr. Laura is very clear that the wording is "my woman" rather than "your mother", because the woman being disrespected is the father/husband's territory. That's her wording. This is one of the very few specific examples I've heard anyone, not just Dr. Laura, describe when they tell husbands and fathers to "man up" or "be a real man" or "be alpha" or "get control of your family". Apparently guys are usually supposed to magically know an effective tactic that follows from such admonitions. Like this:

Teen: Screw you!
Outside Observer: You can't let your son behave that way! Be alpha!
Father: [does the unexplained alpha tactics... because someone else told him to be alpha]
Teen: I love you, dad! I'll never be disrespectful again.

But here we have one of the very rare times a specific tactic is described. A few of observations about this anecdote:

Prager Isn't a Hypocrite When It Comes to Divorce

Someone got here by searching:

dennis prager divorce hypocrite

Prager is NOT a hypocrite on divorce.

He's been divorced twice but he never says people shouldn't divorce. Quite the contrary, he says marriage involves a contract and that if someone isn't holding up their end of the contract, then divorce is entirely reasonable. He also tries to advocate for strengthening marriages.

People assume all "religious conservatives" think alike on everything, and it isn't the case. Also, remember that Prager is an observant Jew, not a Christian.

I have no idea why Prager has been divorced twice. That's probably by design. And to be fair, why would he give an explanation on his radio show or in his books or columns when his ex-wives don't really have the same platform? It's probably best he doesn't talk about it.


He does beat the drum for marrying and having children. I wish he wouldn't. Most men shouldn't marry, not have children. But Prager advocates marriage and is consistent in that he's married three times (so far).

Interestingly, he has a colleague working for the same company, Michael Medved. Diane Medved has written a book called Don't Divorce that Michael has promoted on his show. I'd thought I'd read Michael had been married before he married Diane but maybe I'm not remembering correctly. He speaks glowingly of Diane.

They Do Everying But Name the Guy a Murderer - UPDATED

The first suspect in criminal homicide cases is usually going to be either the last person who saw (or admitted to seeing) the victim alive, or the victim's spouse (ah, marriage), A good example of the first scenario is this tragic case unfolding right now in Orange County, California. A university student by the name of Blaze Bernstein went missing, and then was found dead over a week later. This article by Kelly Puente in the Orange County Register cites a police document, referring to the "friend" of the victim:

The body of 19-year-old pre-med college student Blaze Bernstein was found Tuesday in brush near a Foothill Ranch park where he went missing more than a week ago, and records show that a high-school classmate who reportedly was the last known person to see him alive appeared nervous when interviewed by detectives.

That's just the start of it.

Trying to Make a Bad Situation A Little Bit Better

There's a lot of advice out there about keeping or reviving the  - romance, spark, passion or whatever words you want to use - in a marriage.

Why is that?

It's because so many married people lose that spark, lose that attraction, lose that fun, lose that passion.

This is why so many men are just fine dating a woman for three months and then not really caring if she stops seeing him ("Where is this relationship going???"). Such men are constantly finding other women, and they know the sex is never going to get any better than those first few months. Some marriage advocates balk at that and insist the sex gets better in good marriages, and to some extent I agree, but I also know most men want variety and excitement in sex more than emotional intimacy. And most marriages aren't good most of the time.

Anyway, the latest bit of advice about trying to arrange the deck chairs on the Titanic comes from Dr. Laura. She posted this on her website: "10 Ways to Rekindle the Romance in Your Marriage"

You might think that trying to rekindle the romance in your marriage is heavy stuff.

As I Guessed

On yesterday's show, Tom Leykis confirmed the threshold had been met and his show will continue. He came on live to make the announcement despite his voice being seriously limited by illness, because he'd  promised that date as the date of the big announcement.

Hopefully, he'll fully recover ASAP.

It will be interesting to see how many people bought yearlong subscriptions that will lapse (due to their intention setting or due to credit card changes) in December of this year. If enough other people subscribe or renew throughout the year, or a significant new sponsorship gets into place, it won't matter.

If Leykis still has a book coming, that should get him a new wave of listeners/callers/subscribers.