He Changed the Rules

I continue to listen to Dr. Laura as a Family Plus Member, which allows me to download podcasts of all three hours of her show (which runs Monday-Friday). It is the only paid podcast subscription I have. On Thursday, May 26th, her third hour pretty much began with "Jennifer". Jennifer said she and her husband agreed when they married that she would be a "stay at home mom" to their children. But now that she's out on maternity leave and has told him she still wants to be a SAHM more than she wants to return to her job, he has responded by saying he "didn't marry a housewife" and asking why she bothered to get a degree.

Before calling, she had even already done what Dr. Laura usually suggests in this situation, which is for her to come up with a workable budget and present it to him to prove that it is possible for them to live on his income. He rejected it, because he wants a more expensive lifestyle.

It is an incredibly sad situation.

Jennifer's husband is and example of someone Dr. Laura will say is not a "real man". Chastity "Chaz" Bono is not a real man. Just about anyone with an "XY" chromosomal makeup is a real man. They can be lousy men, or evil men, but they are still men. Notice we never hear the phrase "real woman". But Dr. Laura is allowed to talk like this in my book because she doesn't insist on radical egalitarianism. I often write about "guys" when I want to distinguish some men from more mature men. But I've digressed.

Anyway, this is one reason that I, unlike Dr. Laura and so many others, favor prenuptial agreements even in first marriages, even when neither person has much in terms of personal wealth. I'd like to see each couple getting married have to swear under penalty of perjury that they have discussed this issue and what their agreement is, and I'd like to see the laws and courts back it up. If Jennifer's husband truly stated that he agreed that she should be a SAHM, she should have been able to get that in writing, and if he refuses now, he should be required to pay her enough in child support and alimony that she can be a SAHM with or without him. Likewise, if a woman agreed she was going to be a SAHM and then refuses, the husband should be allowed to be a SAHF and to get enough from her that he can. Or, switch the sexes. That should all be enforceable via prenup.

Perhaps Jennifer's husband wouldn't have married her in the first place if he had to sit down and sign a legally binding agreement about all of this. Or, maybe he would have married her and bitten the bullet now, instead of trying to change the rules.

When the woman who is now my wife brought up the subject early on in our dating, I firmly said that strangers would not be raising my children. I also added that how that works out is open to discussion. All she ever wanted was to work in her chosen career field (which she was doing at the time), be a wife, and then be a SAHM. So neither of us had a problem with me being the income earner and her being the primary caretaker. She now says she has the life she's always wanted, and I'm glad for that.

Would it be nice to have more money? Yes, it would. And I'm sure Uncle Sam and the State of California would both love the extra income tax. But I'd rather my children have their mother as much as possible.

I guess that would make me a real man in Dr. Laura's vocabulary. But I care more about the respect and thanks I get from my wife.

Who Says Gays Can’t Get Married?

CONFUSED ON WHAT TO DO wrote in to Dear Abby:

I started a relationship with a co-worker.

Guys, unless you don’t care about your job, do NOT socialize with your female coworkers. Sexual harassment laws and policies make it too risky. Keep your communication with female coworkers to the bare professional minimum.

We went out for several months, and I found myself really enjoying his company. The feeling was mutual. After several months I told him I was developing feelings for him, more than just friends. He told me he was gay.

So he's thinking he’s getting a new friend, and she was looking for a husband. She should be very thankful that he was honest with her. I've written about, and heard from, women who've discovered after marrying that their husband's homosexual.

I was shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time, but we went on to develop an even stronger friendship.

So everything is okay, right? Right?

I have fallen in love with him, but I have had counseling and I believe those feelings are in check.

Uh huh. Sure.

We have a special bond that's hard to explain.

If you say so.

For lack of a better term, we have used the words "soul mate" to describe this feeling.

So you're deliberately avoiding sex and marriage? Why is that?

He has even said he would like a lifelong commitment with me and has thought about marrying me.

I would strongly advise against this, because of your attraction to him. If you weren’t attracted to him, and you didn’t want sex, and you were fundamentally compatible with him in other ways, and you got a pre-nup and didn’t make babies, then it could be okay.

Dear Abby responded:

But while you're thinking, consider carefully how important sex is to you. Some, not all, women would be content with what he's offering. But what if you should meet someone? You also need to know whether this man is ready, willing and capable of forgoing a sexual relationship with a man. How would you feel about it if he met someone?

Good points.

What do YOU think?

The Last Oprah Winfrey Show

Finally, our long national nightmare is over.

I couldn't watch the show. It would lower my testosterone levels.

Where will millions of women now get faulty spiritual guidance?

She Has It and Flaunts It

How revealing is too revealing? And does it change as an adult gets older? PRIM AND PROPER IN OKLAHOMA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My mother-in-law, "Kay" -- who is in her 50s -- dresses like she's in her teens or 20s.

What does that mean, exactly? Well, read on.

Don't get me wrong, she looks great. She exercises several hours a day to keep in shape and follows a strict diet.

Kay wears spaghetti-strap shirts and short skirts in the summer, and bikinis to sunbathe. I understand that she wants to show off her body, but is there a way to direct her to more age-appropriate clothing?

So... bikinis, short skirts, and spaghetti-straps are okay for teens? But not for a woman in her 50s?

Dear Abby responded:

You are well-intentioned, but if you are wise, you will refrain from giving your mother-in-law any unasked-for fashion advice.

That's for sure. I'm not so sure about the well-intentioned bit, though. She could just be jealous. A lot of women can't stand it when another women draws attention while in their presence.

Anyone think the MIL would take the criticism well, and would change how she dresses as a result?

Any of you know anyone like either of these women... perhaps it is you?

Here's the argument I've heard from some of my fellow religious conservatives (Christian and otherwise). "None of that is appropriate at any age because it causes men to think of women as sex objects or have impure thoughts." I've also heard that some of that is fine for available women, but not for women who are making a commitment. Then there's the reverse - religions in which married women can wear blue jeans, but unmarried women (who are all supposedly virgins... which often means they only have sex with guys outside of the family religion/social circle) can't wear jeans, but instead wear really long skirts. And learn how to walk in short strides.

What say you? Back in my bachelor days I wouild insert some joke here about sending me a picture if you're not sure what is appropriate so that I could tell you one way or the other.

A Reminder: Don't Donate Sperm

For various reasons, I say men should not donate sperm. In no particular order, here are some reasons why:

1. If someone wants to raise a child, they can adopt. If someone wants the experience of pregnancy, they can adopt a very young child ("extra" frozen embryo).

2. If donating to someone you know, you’re going to feel some sort of "ownership" of that child, which will cause parenting conflicts.

3. Human life should not be treated like a commodity.

4. You should have more influence over and responsibility for someone created with your generic material. You know what it is like to grow up with your genes already.

5. If you bump into your offspring or your offspring bump into each other many years down the line, there is no small chance there will be an intense physical attraction of the sexual sort. Pregnancies can result long before the biological relation is known.

6. Your sperm may be used to make human beings for the purpose of killing them.

7. In man cases, donated sperm is used to condemn a child to a fatherless life, either to be raise by a woman who doesn't have enough time or social skills to do it the natural way, or two women (or perhaps four or more, should the original two split up) – none of these people recognizing the importance of fathers, and perhaps men in general.

8. You may end up on the hook for child support. Yes, it has happened.

9. Resulting children could show up later to wreak havoc in your life.

There's more corroboration of points 5, 8, and 9 in this recent article.

Donor anonymity is given to encourage men to make donations, says Arthur Caplan, director of the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Sperm banks fear potential donors will get cold feet if they think they may be held financially or legally responsible for the children they help produce, he says. But donors need to understand that "anonymity cannot be enforced," Caplan adds. "When children, for emotional or health reasons, want to find their 'biological' parents, records are unsealed and they do." Kids trump parents, Caplan concludes, and their need to know is more important: "Courts will go this way, as they do in adoption."

Guys, don't do it. Just say no.

My sister-in-law has donated scores of eggs in multiple sessions. She's done doing that due to newly found moral reasons (thankfully). But what complications will she have down the line as a result? Will she, her future children, or my own kids bump into her kids? How many embryos (human beings) were created only to be destroyed or later selectively aborted (murdered)?

Another Closeted Hubby

Painful. I've written about this before, and got a comment from a woman who was put into a similar position. HELPLESS IN MIAMI wrote in to Dear Abby:

I recently learned that my husband of 35 years is gay.

That’s an awful long time. How often did you have sex? Perhaps he's bisexual? I just know that I could not fake it with a man for 35 years, because I'm straight. And that would become apparently rather quickly. Women can "fake it" much easier than men.

I never suspected and I am stunned.

There are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which is that back when you married, there was more pressure for gays to be closeted.

We have three children and eight grandchildren who all adore him.

Okay.

I learned his secret from an email he left on the computer screen.

Well, it could have been worse. You could have walked in on him with another man, or someone else could have.

It took a few days, but I confronted him and he told me everything.

That must have been a load off for him, but quite painful for you.

He has been with men since before our marriage.

Pressure or not, he should never have married you. On the other hand, consider your children and grandchildren that resulted.

He assured me he has never done anything that could have caused me to get a disease. I went for an examination and I'm fine.

Well, that's good.

I'm lost about what my next step should be. I'm in my late 50s. Starting over isn't something I ever considered… I have no interest in having sex with my husband again, but being apart from him terrifies me.

Do you care about having sex with anyone again? If not, why not stay put and be friends and roommates, if you can be friends with someone who kept such a big thing secret from you all of those years. He'll always be the father of your children, after all.

I feel like I'm in prison.

How so, exactly? If you do want sex and romantic love, then yes, get out. But if not, and if you otherwise enjoy his company, you might want to stay.

Dear Abby's response indicates she also considers him bisexual. She also refers the woman to a group dealing with this issue.

I would completely understand it if she remains upset and wants to get as far away from him as possible. Consider if he was straight, and seeing other women on the side. But he obviously prefers men enough to go behind her back, and it has to hurt that the man she thought desired her didn't, or at least not as much as she thought. I think the law should be such that he should get punished in a divorce. He built a life with her under false pretenses, cheating on her along the way. She should not have to suffer much loss of her lifestyle, from a material perspective. Not sure about the laws in Florida, but in California it wouldn't matter. He'd be able to take half, as though this was an equal deal all along.

Why, Paul? Why???

Poor Paul McCartney. He apparently had a long, happy marriage to Linda, and then she got sick and died. That had be a horrible thing to go through. Understandably, Paul got married again, probably expecting a long, happy marriage again.

But he ended up having to pay some ridiculous amount of money when the married ended. You'd think a guy who has had to pay out so much money would be "shy" on marrying again. Apparently not.

Oh well. It is his money to throw away if he wants to.

It Shouldn't Be a Chore

Andrea, who really has quite a great blog, has this great recent entry calling on the Christian wife to be her husband's lover.

Many Flags Waving in the Wind

It seems rather simple to me. “Stuck” wrote in to Dear Margo:

I've been dating a wonderful man for nine months. We enjoy a variety of activities and generally have a lot of fun together. However, as I approach my 31st birthday, I find myself thinking in terms of the big picture.

Tick-tock.

I've always thought I would like to have children, but I would prefer not to have them close to my 40s. Although my boyfriend has never specifically stated that he does or does not want children,

Strike one.

we have some differences - approaches to managing money, for one,

Strike two.

and I like to travel, while he does not.

Strike three! He's OUT! (Actually, here's a likely translation of this "Woman" into English: "I like men to pay for me to take vacations. He's not falling for it.")

To date, he has not been able to say the "L" word, and from what I understand, this may be a lingering effect of his past relationship.

It's only been nine months. That isn't too long for him to wait, though you’ve probably been having sex for what, eight months?

I'm not sure what to do.

Date other men. Only see this guy if you have nobody more compatible to see and nothing else to do.

I feel ready to start thinking about settling down and having children in the near future, but I have no idea whether my boyfriend will be at that point anytime soon.

Don't bet on it.

Should I "go with the flow" for now and enjoy what we have, or discuss my thoughts?

Go with the flow if you value sex with him more than you value getting married, having kids, and traveling. Although travelling will likely be reduced if you have kids, at least until they are older, because it is such a gigantic pain in the behind to travel with young kids.

Dear Margo responded:

Why don't you ask him what his thoughts are?

Waste of time. If he really wanted kids, he would have brought up the subject already. Don't give her hope that talking about it is really going to change him. At "best" he'll agree to whatever she wants because he likes her company and doesn't want to go through the trouble of finding another woman who will have sex with him (even though it really isn't much trouble at all). Then, she'll get pregnant and he'll make her life miserable or he'll leave.

She should find someone more compatible with her who is prepared to get married.

I Didn't Get Married To Have More Bills

My wife's New Years resolution I wrote about here didn't last long. She actually reminded me of it the other day, remarking that she had let it disappear. I'd forgotten. How bad is that?

Why are things like this? In my wayward youth, every date or evening with my girlfriend of any given moment would involve sex (one we were into the relationship, that is). This was 3-4 times per week. Here I am, a married man, and we're making love a dismal once a week and maybe, maybe she throws in mercy oral once between lovemaking sessions.

It is possible, that, despite how passionate she was when we were dating (and deliberately restricting our physical affection), she simply has a low libido.

It could be her medication, which can reduce libido. But she was taking that when we were dating and she displayed a lot more passion then.

If I wanted to get really cynical, I could say it was the wedding cake and the kids. She has what she wants. She doesn't want any more kids because she doesn't think she can take care of more. An orgasm is not enough of a motivator to make love more often, apparently, and my desire for lovemaking isn't as important in her eyes as my need for sleep.

By the time everything is taken care of on any given day, it is clear I'm not going to be getting enough sleep, so she urges me to simply go to sleep, as making love would deprive me of some of the precious little sleep I'll be getting, and if she allows me to bring her or orgasm, she'll not be able to get to sleep until later than she would otherwise.

I could force the issue, of course, but that kind of defeats the purpose. I don't want a hostage in bed, or to feel I am inconveniencing the woman I am supposed to cherish. I want a passionate and enthusiastic partner.

As much as I stress that fornication is wrong, I can cite some good things about that part of my past. One of those things is that I know I'm not a horrible lover. If I didn't have that experience, I would be rather insecure and down on myself. I would be convinced that I must be a horrible lover and thus a failure as a husband, and nothing she could say would be able to change that, because the proof I'd have would be in the action (or lack of it) and attitude I have already experienced with her. And when she indicates lovemaking is no big deal for her, the message is received, as it is with any husband who hears such a thing, that is isn't a big deal to make love with me.

I didn't have to fool or manipulate those past lovers into having sex with me. If anything, my past lovers were the aggressors. Such is the state of the "gentler" sex these days. I never felt like I was keeping them from something else they wanted to do, or otherwise inconveniencing them, or making them do a chore. Of course, none of those women were right for me, and I didn't marry any of them. I married my wife. My wife takes care of our kids. My wife is a grandmaster coupon shopper. My wife makes dinner. My wife does laundry and washes the dishes. She does a lot for our family, and it isn't like I’m forgetting all of that. But I do want to make her lose control, to lose herself in the moment more often. I want her to enjoy herself and enjoy my affection.

So what is the answer? Turn up the romance, right? But there's only so much we can do to increase that in our lives right now. In fact, we've recently been managing to get a limited date night once a week (which is an improvement), but the circumstances mean... surprise... even less sleep, and that's not because of lovemaking. If anything, these date nights are less conducive to lovemaking than other nights.

At this rate, if she ever does get an fire lit down below, I might be so over it I'll need a little blue pill to have sex with her rather than masturbate.

See: Married Men Get More Sex

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