Dear Abby Right on Pre-Nups

In response to a question from JUST WONDERING IN WISCONSIN, Dear Abby wrote something with which I completely agree. Her entire response was right:

A prenuptial agreement is supposed to protect the interests of both parties. At the same time that it protects your fiance's assets, it should lay out what provisions will be made for you in the event that the marriage doesn't work out. Because your attorney will be representing only you, you should be the person compensating him (or her) for services rendered.

Too bad that last part isn't applied to divorce, where too often one spouse (usually the man) has to pay for both attorneys.

And honey, this is not the time to cheap out.

Words to heed. You want a very good pre-nup. For example, if you both agree you are going to stay home and raise the kids, you should try to set it up that should he file for divorce or otherwise abandon you, that you get to keep the home intact and will be compensated well enough to raise the kids. I have no idea if a state like California allows you to write in "fault" provisions, but it would be great if those would stick.

I am in favor of pre-nuptial agreements, even if neither intended spouse has much in the way of material assets. After all, things change and either or both could end up earning quite a bit more than they were earning at the time of the wedding. And what about intellectual property? If one is a writer or artist or inventor and comes up with something with no input from the spouse, why should the spouse end up with half ownership, even if he or she leaves?

Some say pre-nups are planning to fail, or that they are unromantic or show a lack of trust.

The counter argument is that marriage is not just between the husband and wife and God. The state gets involved. And the fact is, the state already has a pre-nup for you, via the laws of the state. Why let the state decide for you, when you can decide – somewhat – for yourself? The car insurance analogy I have found helpful – that you don't plan on getting into a crash, but you buy insurance that covers crashes in case you do. The analogy does break down a bit, though, when you consider that you don't pick the other drivers on the roads, but you do pick your spouse.

Still, with the high divorce rate and the laws being what they are, and with the lawyers having financial incentives to drag out divorces and make them as contentious as possible, a pre-nup is a must these days.

If someone is dealing with a potential spouse who gets insulted at the thought of a pre-nup because "it shouldn't be about money" or something along those lines, they should counter with "You’re right - and this will guarantee that our marriage isn't about money." Guys, a woman who truly plans on being a good wife and getting married for life has nothing to fear from a pre-nup that you'll come up with together, with your own lawyers. If she won't do it, don't marry her. It is that simple.

I would advise not setting a marriage date until a pre-nup is finalized. It can even be used in planning the wedding, such as how much money will be spent on what and by whom. It should be part of the process that ensures that there are no secrets being kept from either spouse about financial status, credit history and scores, obligations, judgments, etc. and part of overall financial planning they should do together.

Bank Robber Thwarted Mid-Robbery

I love feel-good news stories in which some "ordinary" person rescues someone else, or in this case, when a crime in progress is thwarted by civilians. Alejandra Molina reports in the Orange County Register on a retired female police officer's involvement in taking down a robbery suspect.

The suspected robber – who weighs about 220 pounds and is more than 6 feet tall – was wearing a black and white jogging suit when he approached a teller at about 12:30 p.m. Saturday at the Bank of America inside the Albertsons at 25872 Muirlands Blvd. in Mission Viejo, according to the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

Authorities identified the man as Tony Baik Fennell, 52, of Las Vegas, who is now believed to have been involved in at least eight bank robberies from Norco to Utah, at least two of them in Orange County. He was not armed nor was [Cynthia] Orel, [53 years of age].

Orel, at 128 pounds, said she heard the bank manager yell that they were being robbed.

How about that, ladies? Having your weight and age printed in the newspaper and online? She's actually a good looking lady.

Once she heard he had a gun, she jumped in to assist a customer grabbing Fennell's left hand - trying to get a hold of him.

Orel tried to grab on to the suspect's other hand, she said. She then went around the suspect as the customer held him and got pushed on to a bench on display. She got him from behind. They ended up against a wall with her arm around his neck. Orel said she took him down in a head lock type of restraint.

"This was a team deal - hands down," she said.

Once Orel had Fennell in carotid restraint she remembers telling the suspect. "You're done. You're caught. You're here. Relax, you're not going anywhere."

I wonder how he felt with an unarmed woman telling him that? "Uh, is it too late to find a new way to get income?"

Go to the paper's website for the whole story and pictures. Congrats to everyone who took this guy down.

Four Children and Twenty Years Later

This Dear Abby installment was titled "Woman Hides Her Body And Feelings From Her Husband". HIDING IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

I am 43, the mother of four children and just celebrated my 20th anniversary. Is it normal for someone to be married all this time and still not want your husband to see you naked?

Normal? I don't know. But unfortunately, it isn't unheard of.

I do not reveal myself to him. The lights must always be off, and I keep a shirt on.

This is not good. Men generally are visual creatures. We like looking at the female body. This is especially true when it comes to our wife.

No, your body isn’t perfect. Every day, you get older. Let's assume you are dumpy – though women, unless they are "large and in charge" types, do tend to be harder on themselves than everyone else. But you know what? We don't care that you aren't perfect. We want you. We need you. For us, it is like pizza... a "bad" one is better than nothing. Getting to see you naked and up close is one of the best elements of lovemaking - whether or not you look like a centerfold.

Don't hide!

So far, the situation doesn't sound unusual. Ah, but here's the twist:

It's not because I am ashamed of my body; it's that I'm not attracted to him. I never was.

I married my husband for security and have learned to love him.

Actually, that's how probably a majority of marriages all throughout history came about. Just think of arranged marriages. However, you chose to marry him, and now you can force him to provide "security" by law, though you can't be forced to hold up your end of the bargain. Convenient.

But I love him like a brother, in a sisterly kind of way. I feel I owe him.

You do owe him.

Should I tell my husband how I feel and risk losing my security after all this time?

No, but not because of your security. Because of your duty to him. If you want out, and you don't mind being a vow-breaker, and any minor children you have are grown – go for it. Please resist the greedy divorce lawyer imploring you to eviscerate the poor guy, though. Keep in mind that you are older than you were when you married, and if you're counting on finding another husband, your options likely won't be as good as they used to be. But if life with him isn't problematic, stay, don't say anything about this, and act with all of your might as though you are attracted to him.

I had to talk to someone, so I confided in my best friend.

Well that’s a nice violation of intimacy.

She advised me to say nothing.

She's smart. She should have also told you not to violate you intimacy.

My husband had an affair a few years ago, and frankly, I was secretly relieved.

So he probably knows that something is up. But he stuck with you, though he did break his vows.

Sometimes I wish he was still with her.

This is an example of how we really don't know what is going on for sure when we see someone stepping out on their spouse. Yes, we know that person is breaking their vows, but maybe their spouse already broke them, or is supporting of the affair.

Dear Abby responded:

My advice is to talk to your husband about making another kind of arrangement -- one in which he supports the children and possibly makes some kind of settlement with you, while you both pursue your separate lives.

No. Listen to your friend, not Dear Abby.

Two Great Places to Eat

Reuters has positive news about breastfeeding.

Breastfed babies seem more likely to do well at high school and to go on to attend college than infants raised on a bottle, according to a new U.S. study.

Makes me want to go back to college just to have an excuse.

Professors Joseph Sabia from the American University and Daniel Rees from the University of Colorado Denver based their research on 126 children from 59 families, comparing siblings who were breastfed as infants to others who were not.
By comparing siblings, the study was able to account for the influence of a variety of difficult-to-measure factors such as maternal intelligence and the quality of the home environment.

That's important, because mere correlation doesn't establish causation. Without this information, it would be reasonable say, "Perhaps the kind of parents who will help their kids do will in school are also the kind that would breastfeed."

The study, published in the Journal of Human Capital, found that an additional month of breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school grade point averages of 0.019 points and an increase in the probability of college attendance of 0.014.

Hmmm. Isn't that a little small?

"But this is just a start. Much work remains to be done to establish a definitive causal link."

Translation: "Gimme more $$$ for research!" I'm not saying they shouldn't get that money. It could be very worthwhile. Or, maybe we're already at the point where all the mothers who can be persuaded to breastfeed are already breastfeeding.

I'm vaguely aware that there is a huge controversy over this subject. Mothers who can't breastfeed, for whatever reason, feel like they are being attacked when they see articles like this. Some studies (perhaps even some not funded by formula manufacturers) say that it doesn't make a difference, or that formula is actually better. There are products (and thus commercial interests) catering to both ways of feeding infants.

My wife is convinced that it does make a difference, and she has shown high levels of dedication to breastfeeding. I'm sure a lot of other women would have given up if they had been in her shoes (or bra).

I was breastfed. I'm convinced it explains a lot about be, aside from academics.

One of the things I say to my children as they are in the womb is, "There are two great places to eat out here!" Hence the title of this entry.

Teen Arrested in Cat Mutilations

This is how serial killers start.

And recently, it came to light that a celebrity was also going to be mutilating a kitty.

She Wants to Climb the Ladder, He Doesn't

Dear Abby got a letter for a "high school sweetheart" who is questioning her relationship. GOAL-ORIENTED GAL IN DALLAS wrote:

I am 21 and have been with my high school sweetheart, "Andy," for six years.

This is generally not good. I mean, it had a better chance of working 75 years ago and out in small town farm country. But today, unless you are raised and staying in a very structured, homogenous, and independent community, the odds are that this isn't going to last. Likely, both of these people have stunted their growth for sake of staying close to each other.

I can see myself with him for the rest of my life,

Of course you can, because you've never known anything else.

but there's a problem. I am very career-oriented and have big dreams for going far, but Andy is the complete opposite. He didn't finish school and is content with a low-paying job for his "career."

Okay, well, can't you have a career without him wanting is own? That is why it would be your career.

I have spoken to him several times about my goals. He is supportive, but has no plans on doing anything for himself.

Yeah? And? Although it is not explicitly included in her letter, the subtext here is, "Shouldn't my guy always earn more money than me, or at least be like me in ambition?" Most women marry a man who earns more than they do. Notice that he supports her goals – so he supposedly will respect her career.

Nowhere in the letter does say she wants to be a "stay-at-home" mother, in which case she would have a legitimate concern about how the family would pay bills.

Should I stay with Andy and lower my dreams or give up on him?

Why do you have to lower your dreams to be with him just because he doesn't have the same level of career ambition? Actually, for both men and women, it is easier to climb the career ladder these days if they are unmarried and childless, so that they can put in long hours, network, relocate as needed, and travel. But if he doesn't have his own career ambitions, then he should be more willin to relocate with you.

Did I mention that he has no one to depend on but me?

Well, yes, he does. He has himself. But if you're supporting him financially, no wonder he is supportive of your career ambitions.

Besides this issue, our relationship is perfect.

You can probably find a career-driven guy with whom you can also have a "perfect" relationship. If you do reach your career goals, you will be in a place to meet more potential prospects.

Dear Abby responded:

You are responsible for your future, and Andy is responsible for his.

Exactly!

This woman has no experience with a relationship that began when she was an adult. She doesn't have much to compare. She may be happy, which is fine. But perhaps she could be a lot happier. Now, that is no reason to end a relationship... if you are happy and things are right, don't obsess over whether or not there is greener grass out there. But I would not advise my own child to get so serious with someone as a teenager, or to fall into the trap of thinking that a dating relationship is supposed to last as long as both people are sexually attracted to each other, or haven't committed some huge wrong against each other.

There are billions of people out there to choose from. (Even more billions if you are bisexual!)

The Husband Who Wasn't There, and an Insecure Fiancee

Let's take a break from deadly and violent crime stories. A recent Dear Abby installment had a couple of great letters.

ALONE AND LONELY IN INDIANA wrote:

"Ralph" and I have been married a little over a year. It's the second marriage for both of us. We were both single for six years after our divorces, so we had time to become independent.

What we aren't told is how long they dated before they married, and what that was like.

Ralph still spends his evenings and weekends the way he did when he was a bachelor.

What, is he out on the bars and clubs? It his hitting on other women?!?

He stays in the garage and watches TV alone.

Oh. Is that all he is doing out there? If he is alone, how you do know he isn't engaged in another hobby, or some other interest? What is on TV? Is it something the rest of the family wouldn't care to watch or shouldn't watch?

We have talked about it, set up family time, and even bought the large-screen TV he wanted for the living room, but still he hides out in the garage. He comes in only to eat and use the bathroom.

Really? He sleeps and showers out there, and goes without sex?

I have two children from my last marriage, and the younger one feels deeply hurt because my husband spends no time with him.

Ah. So the biodad isn't around? You didn't notice Ralph's behavior before you married? Or it was okay or him to be that way before you married, and you didn't make it clear that you'd expect him to be different after the wedding?

Well Ralph shouldn't have gotten married to a woman with minor kids, and you shouldn't have married him. But now that you are in this situation, you might be able to lure him by doing activities that would interest him. Maybe he needs direction, like a list of honey-dos, and when he does them, thanking him will help encourage him. If he really, truly isn't interested it doing anything but watching TV, then he really wasn't marriage material to begin with, which is perhaps why his first marriage ended.

Otherwise, if he pays the bills and scares off potential predators, at least that is something.

As for me, I'm the kind of guy who enjoys solitary activities - writing, watching DVDs, listening to music, reading, etc. But I place the needs of my wife and children over what I want to do at any given moment. That means I do a lot less of those things than I did when I was unmarried and childless. If you can't handle the fact that there will be new demands on your time, guys, then don't get married. Stay unmarried. You'll be able to spend your time as you want with fewer moral and social conflicts.

Dear Abby responded:

If you married Ralph thinking you could change the way he acted as a bachelor, that you would have companionship and your children would have an attentive father, you may have married the wrong man.

It can't be stated enough: Women should never expect that a guy will change for the better. He may, and he should, but it doesn't mean he will. The only guarantee is that he will get older. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Guys shouldn't expect women to change (other than getting older) either.

If Ralph was happy and at ease, he would not be hiding out in the garage.

Maybe that is what makes him happy and at ease?

NAMELESS IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS is way too insecure:

My fiance insists upon asking our server's name if it is not offered when she approaches our table. I am insulted that he even cares. Personally, I do not want him asking for another woman's name in my presence. I find it rude.

Does he not do it when the server is male?

He, on the other hand, thinks it's rude if the server does not introduce herself.

He's right. And referring your server by their name is the polite thing to do.

And if you are this insecure, he should run the other way and NOT marry you.

Guys, if you're going to get married, save yourself a world of trouble and avoid marrying a woman who is this insecure. She'll make your life hell. Now, there's a difference between a woman rightfully noting to her man in private that he shouldn't have been leering and drooling over another woman in public, but that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about the kind of woman who will want to sniff your penis when you come home to make sure another woman has gone nowhere near it... the kind of woman who will alienate your female coworkers... the kind of woman who, if an attractive woman walks anywhere in your line if sight, will yell, "WHAT? DO YOU WANT TO F--- HER?!? YOU DO, DON'T YOU?!?"

Run for the nearest exit.

It also isn't a good sign that she has such little regard for servers.

He'll Have Trouble Testifying

Looks like this woman had a very good reaction to being raped. Not only does it punish the rapist, but it provides evidence. As for him, if he's like most guys, he'd rather it be his tounge than a certain other bit of his body.

A Murrieta [inland southern California] woman bit off the tongue of an alleged rapist who was arrested at a hospital emergency room where he went for treatment.

Police found the suspect's tongue at the woman's apartment Friday morning.

Yes, but how do we know she wasn't just being cruel to a date? Well, keep reading.

Authorities say the woman had injuries consistent with a violent assault.

Officers say they arrested 32-year-old Ronald McGowan of West Covina, who is a registered sex offender.

Yeah, I suppose she could be a past victim who tracks down guys listed on sex offender websites, and then exacts "revenge". That would make one heck of a Law and Order: SVU episode. But my money would be on the guy having really attacked her, unprovoked. Which makes this a really great story.

Physicians at the Rancho Springs Medical Center could not reattach his tongue.

Like I said... better than something else.

God forbid my wife or daughter or sisters or mother ever find themselves in that situation, but I would hope they would be just as clever. As my wife says, "I'd bite anything he sticks in my mouth."

Suspected Copper Wire Thieves Fried

Corina Knoll of the Los Angeles Times brings us a "stupid criminal" story.

The bodies of two men believed to have been electrocuted while stealing copper wiring were found early Tuesday on an abandoned driving range in Riverside County, authorities said.

So - was it worth it?

A spokeswoman with the coroner's office said the bodies were burned beyond recognition and would possibly be identified today.

Yes, we'll need those names for the Darwin Awards nomination.

"They were attempting to remove copper wire from inside what we call a pad-mount enclosure -- it's an electrical box or structure that contains high-voltage energized equipment," said Steve Conroy, a Southern California Edison spokesman.
The fire caused a 12,000-volt line connected to the circuit to go out of service, Conroy said, and about 1,600 residences in Hemet and San Jacinto were affected by a brief power outage.

What a shame that others were incovenienced.

Perhaps their buddies or siblings will leave a comment here talking about how they were actually involved in some complicated and noble effort to save lives, not stealing copper for cash? Or that since they were "great guys" and never stole copper wire from them I shouldn't discuss the article here?

Call me cold hearted, but I have little to no sympathy for a person who is injured or killed while engaging in some sort of immoral or rightly illegal activity. Have I ever been immoral? Yes, many times, and I deserved every problem that came my way while being immoral.

And You Thought Your Mother Got on Your Nerves

You carry them for nine months, give birth to them, clothe them, feed them, bathe them, raise them, take care of them, let them stay in your home into adulthood if they need to.

And you hope that day will never come when they end up stabbing you to death.

The Los Angeles Daily News reports from Reseda.

A 24-year-old man was in custody today on suspicion of stabbing his 40-year-old mother to death inside her apartment in Reseda.

Do the math. She gave birth to him when she was 16, possibly 15. Plus, there's no mention of a father in the article.

Bryan Garcia-Munguia was arrested outside the Denny's restaurant on the corner of Reseda Boulevard and Saticoy Street in Reseda about 11:20 p.m. Monday, said Detective Joel Price of the Los Angeles Police Department's West Valley Station.

Family members who had just finished eating at the restaurant were gathered in the parking lot when the suspect unexpectedly showed up, prompting them to call police, Price said.

Yeah, it is not a good idea to show up to join family grieving over someone you killed.

His mother, Saida Munguia, was found fatally stabbed in the chest inside her apartment in the 7600 block of Reseda Boulevard, near Saticoy Street, on Monday afternoon, said LAPD Sgt. Ronnie Crump.

Now who is going to show up at his sentencing to insist that he really is a good boy?

"According to family and neighbors, there's been a rather rocky relationship between mother and child, in particular during the last week," Price said.

You don't say?

The victim and suspect lived together at the apartment, he added.

That had to have been a lot of fun. Even though he was living with his mother, he probably has a girlfriend, or at least booty calls. If so, he'll probably still have women pledging their love to him. After all, he hasn't stabbed them. Or if he did, it must have been their fault. Or they know they can change him.

His mother could have aborted him, but she didn't. And this is the thanks she gets? But it isn't surprising. When kids are born to mothers that young, especially if they are raised without a father, they are more likely to commit violent crime. Everyone would have been better off if she had given him up for adoption to be raised by mature, established, married people.

And shame on the guy who got a 15-year-old pregnant. Where is that guy?