Other Ways the Airlines Can Make Money

United Airlines is going to start charging $25 for a second checked bag, and other airlines are likely to follow.

With that in mind, and with apologies to David Letterman, here are the top ten other new charges airlines will try:

10. $20 Each Time an Attractive Flight Attendant Brushes up Against You.

9. $50 To Not Be Seated Next to a Fatty, Kid 4 Years Old or Under, or Someone With Treatment-Resistant Tuberculosis

8. $50 For Not Showing “Alive” as the In-Flight Movie

7. $75 For Not Showing “Gigli” or “Battlefield Earth” As the In-Flight Movie

6. $15 Access to Seatback Slot Machine5.

5. $30 For sharing germs for Immune System Testing

4. $20 Bladder Endurance Testing

3. $35 Thrill Ride Turbulence Simulation

2. $100 Disasterless Flight Surcharge

1. $300 To Get Their Swarthy Actor to Put Away His Koran and Stop Chanting “Allahu Ackbar”