Important Messages to Young Men - Life is Short

The introduction to this series is here.

Life is short, time is limited, and time is one of the most valuable things you have. It may not look like that now, it might not feel like it, but unless you die young, one day you will look back and marvel at how fast the decades went by. If you get an illness that takes you out earlier, you'll know even harder that life is short.

 

Nobody is guaranteed another day.

Everything is a trade off, everything has a cost, including with time. Actively spending time doing one thing will usually mean you can't spend that time doing another. Keep perspective on what's going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, a decade from now.

Value your time. Learn to say no, both to yourself and others.

Avoid pointless timesucks. Rest, relaxation, and recreation are important, but avoid sloth or frittering your life away.

Look for ways to save time. For example, being familiar with trends and events in pop culture can help with socialization and certain lines of work, but there are certain reviews/aggregators of pop culture that give you what you might want to know without wasting your time.

Not all that is valuable is material. Experiences and memories thereof can be worthwhile.

Delayed gratification and saving for the future are necessary, but don't neglect enjoying the moment, smelling the roses, and rewarding yourself for doing well. There are choices to be made.

Most people need to do some things they don't want to do in order to get to where they want to be. Many people dislike exercising, but they like being fit.

Part of being successful is having to do things you don't want to do less and less, especially as you mature. A practical example is that someone who works smart and hard now might be able to take it easy when they're older, rather than having to continue to work in jobs they don't like.

One of the biggest benefits to having wealth and power is that, in theory, you can spend much less time doing things you don't want to do. For example, if you hate shopping, at least for most things, you can pay someone to shop for you. The downside is having to defend your wealth and power from those who want to take it away from you.

Keep in mind that if you're going to be a husband and/or father, and do those things well, those things place enormous demands on your time and you'll be spending much of your life doing things you don't want to do. Running game saves time when it comes to women.

Life it short. Be wise with your time.

[Enjoy your weekend, and for my fellow Americans, enjoy the Independence Day holiday. Maybe I'll update before the holiday, maybe not.]

Important Messages to Young Men - Introduction

This will be a series of important messages to young men and boys.

A frequent prompt on social media is "If you could tell your younger self something, or talk to your younger self, what would you say?" Sometimes it is limited to one thing or three words. Someone will always say that if they could talk to their younger self, they'd say "Bet on..." or "Invest in Apple." That's not the point of the mental exercise.

If it's limited to just three words it would be "Stay free, unmarried."

If I could literally talk to my younger self back in that time frame, there are specific things I'd say. But what would I say to young men today? That's more generalized. And it is one reason this blog exists. In some ways, many entries on this blog are messages to younger men. This series will attempt to codify the more important things into several basic messages.

The USA is what I know. Much of this series might apply elsewhere.

So check back regularly and I'll post the series as I have time.

Success Sequence

To what should males aspire?

What Timing!

How amazing is it that so many people manage to find THE One to marry in such a narrow sliver of time?

Most first marriages happen in the 25-35 age range.

Wow, out of eight billion people (OK, four billion if we narrow it down by sex), out of 60 years of adult life, so many people manage to find that ONE special someone in a narrow window of time. Sure, a few people marry someone they've known since their childhood or adolescence, but most people (where marriages aren't arranged) marry someone they met just a few years, at most, before the wedding.

Let's be real.

Not only are most of those people "settling," many of them think they are settling, no matter what they say.

Yes, some really do feel like they have actually found THE ONE and are blessed beyond expectations.

And yet... within five, ten, fifteen years, how many of them have demonstrated otherwise? Bitterness, resentment, abuse, affairs, separation, divorce, on and on it goes. Clearly they weren't THE ONE.

Some Christians (and I expect followers of some other religions) pray for their child's "future spouse" from the time they know they are expecting. The problem with Christian doing that is there is no guarantee in the Bible that everyone will find a spouse. Wanting your child to marry when they are adults and praying for the people they will interact with in their life is fine, but it is presumptuous to speak as though they will get married (and I wouldn't wish what's called marriage today on any son of mine.) I wonder what these people do when the marriage doesn't last, and their child is facing remarriage. The person they prayed for is an ex or dead, and now their child is potentially marrying someone they never prayed for all those years.

As unromantic as it is, chances are, there isn't THE ONE. There are two people settling for each other, because they are pressured or because they think it is how to get what they want or how to get to what they should do.

Dear Abby Gets It Right In Reponse to Thrown In Kansas

A woman was having a great marriage at a time in her life many women no longer have any marriage at all, but she's found a way to ruin it, as she detailed in her letter to an advice column.

Dear Abby gave a great answer.

THROWN IN KANSAS wrote:

My husband and I are in our early 70s. We have been married seven years.

So, there's a lot of history for each one of them.

I was celibate before we met and thrilled to have a partner I respected and was attracted to.

Maybe she means chaste? Or does she meant she had never married? If she means she was chaste, especially for her entire life, then she likely doesn't have much of a libido.

Our sex life seemed normal and exciting with lots of kisses and hugs throughout the day.

So, she was happy with their level of affection and the sex.

Recently, I caught him on a phone sex call and then discovered he visits sex chat rooms. I'm devastated.

Why devastated? He's much more horny than his wife and so he seeks relief.

I feel betrayed and angry that my trust has been violated.

Trust? How does this in any way mean she can't trust him? Did he explicitly agree he'd never do anything like that?

After several attempts to lie, he finally admitted the truth, but said it was a "recent" thing -- which was even more insulting!

My therapist says men don't suddenly take up phone sex and pornography in their 70s.

They do if they're not getting as much sex as they want.

When I shared that with my husband, he revealed it wasn't "as often" in the past. He swears he loves me and will get help, but I can't imagine how I can trust him again.

"Get help?" He's saying these things because you are upset. He tried to deny what was going on because he has difficulty being honest about his sexual nature, and she clearly has trouble dealing with the reality.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any further, other than taking some online classes dealing with porn addiction.

Why would he want to talk about it? The truth is upsetting to you. "Porn addiction" is a term used by grifters, hysterics, and their marks. It's not an official diagnosis.

Our relationship has always been cordial and friendly and that continues, though I'm no longer willing to have sex at this time.

So he's DEFINITELY going to seek relief. "My husband is hornier than I am, so my solution is to not have sex with him at all!"

My impulse is to bolt. I'm too old to deal with this nonsense, and I just want to live the rest of my life in peace.

Want peace? Accept male sexual nature for what it is. If you won't do that, leave. You might be able to find a man who has no drive or interest, but is that what you want? The pickings of men in general are slim at your age, and you had  a good thing going with this guy.

Dear Abby responded:

Please ignore your impulse to bolt. When you started your letter, you stated you had a good marriage to a man you respect and are attracted to -- with the bonus of kisses and hugs throughout the day. Your husband isn't having physical contact with anyone on the "hotline."

True. But maybe he should go out and have an affair instead.

If your therapist hasn't told you, many thousands of individuals of both sexes consider porn to be erotica and helpful, and many couples use it to enhance their sex lives.

Porn panic people will say that porn use is "linked" to relationship problems. But what they don't tell you is that the "link" is either that the relationship was already in trouble and/or that a partner's panic over porn caused the problems. Beyond that, compulsive people tend to do things compulsively, which may include watching porn. The core issue is their compulsiveness.

Rather than sacrifice what has been a successful marriage, you and your husband would be better off scheduling some appointments with a marriage and family therapist, and possibly one who specializes in sex therapy to help you overcome your emotional issue on this highly personal subject.

Obviously, anyone consulted should not be someone who buys into porn panic. And the concern for me is making sure he's avoiding being scammed.

She was getting what she wanted and everything she needed from their sex life. He wasn't. He needs more. If it's mostly a matter of frequency, is she willing to have sex more? If he "needs" variety, she might not be able to do anything about that. If she no longer wants to have sex with him, either she needs to accept he's going to seek relief even more or this marriage is over.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/06/07https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/06/07
Abby is going to get absurd letters and comments about how his enjoying what he does is going to turn him into a serial killer or cause children to be abused. Even some people who are usually rational and reasonable throw logic and sense out the window when it comes to erotica.

June Is Here

Wedding season, gentlemen. Maybe you’re scheduled to be the groom.

Maybe a man you care about is scheduled to be a groom.

Maybe a woman you’re "seeing" or "with" is expecting you to be her date for a wedding or weddings.

Obviously, the first situation is the most dire.