There's been so much I've wanted to blog, but I have had enough time. I wanted to give you an update on my marriage, and I started to write it, but I'm not going to have time to finish it until next week.
Things got a little rough there. They are doing a little better right now. We're about to spend a few days together without the kids. Hopefully, they will be good days so I'll have a happy ending to my update instead of it being such a downer.
We did have a fairly good Thanksgiving, at least. How about you?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Question For My Readers
What constitutes verbal or emotional abuse?
I pretty much have a zero tolerance policy for physical abuse in my advice to others an in my personal life. I haven't ever been physically abused in a dating relationship or my marriage, thankfully.
I'm not talking about self-defense or defending children through force. I'm not talking about someone being completely unhinged and an open-handed slap being needed to get their attention. I'm not talking about literally pushing someone away when you don't want them touching you. I'm talking about actual domestic violence... hitting, biting, kicking, throwing things at you, scratching, aggressive pushing, etc. If someone does that once, they shouldn't be given the chance to do it again, no matter how many times they apologize.
But what about with verbal or emotional abuse? And what would constitute such things?
I think, perhaps, I have accepted apologies for those things in some of my relationships. I wouldn't accept an apology for physical abuse. Why did I accept them for verbal abuse? But again, does anyone have a good definition or examples? Can they be excused as "saying the wrong things" if an apology has been given, while physical violence can't be excused?
I pretty much have a zero tolerance policy for physical abuse in my advice to others an in my personal life. I haven't ever been physically abused in a dating relationship or my marriage, thankfully.
I'm not talking about self-defense or defending children through force. I'm not talking about someone being completely unhinged and an open-handed slap being needed to get their attention. I'm not talking about literally pushing someone away when you don't want them touching you. I'm talking about actual domestic violence... hitting, biting, kicking, throwing things at you, scratching, aggressive pushing, etc. If someone does that once, they shouldn't be given the chance to do it again, no matter how many times they apologize.
But what about with verbal or emotional abuse? And what would constitute such things?
I think, perhaps, I have accepted apologies for those things in some of my relationships. I wouldn't accept an apology for physical abuse. Why did I accept them for verbal abuse? But again, does anyone have a good definition or examples? Can they be excused as "saying the wrong things" if an apology has been given, while physical violence can't be excused?
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
A Bad Choice With Permanent Results
I recently went to a gathering/reunion of sorts. It was hosted to remember someone with whom I use to work who took his own life.
Aside from the fact that I do not believe we are, in the ultimate sense, our own (I believe we belong to God) and this kind of suicide is morally wrong, I also believe that life is way too short as it is.
But "John", I'll call him, obviously didn't feel that way. I don't have much information with which to work, but from what I understand, the suicide could have been motivate by the fact that he'd essentially been unemployed for the last four years.
He was a handsome, friendly guy with a great smile and a great sense of humor, and he did have artistic talent. He just wasn't make a living with it.
For most men, being unemployed that long is spirit-crushing. Career women are an extremely important part of today's world, and for some women, their careers are everything. But the fact remains, women tends to marry men who earn more than they do. Quality women who want a family tend to look for men who will provide enough "security" for them to not have to work full time. When a woman hears from a female friend that the friend is seeing a new man, the first, or one of the first questions will be "What does he do for a living?" if it wasn't immediately stated. Men don't care all that much what each other's girlfriends do for a living (a guy will boast about his date's job only if it implies she is beautiful/sexy).
For men like John, not having a successful career is devastating.
John had a brother and countless cousins. He probably looked around him and saw all of them in their marriages and raising children. He was in his mid-40s and hadn't been able to build enough stability or savings to support a family, and probably realized that even if his career were to take off tomorrow, it was going to be too late for him to build a relationship, marry, have children, and fit in to the culture of his extended family.
It is too bad he didn't see the good possibilities ahead, even if he never married, even if he ended up working a low-level job for the rest of his life. It is too bad that he did this to his family and friends.
I've known too many people who have taken their own lives.
Life is too short as it is. There are always good times ahead. There is help. Get help instead of doing this to those who love you.
Aside from the fact that I do not believe we are, in the ultimate sense, our own (I believe we belong to God) and this kind of suicide is morally wrong, I also believe that life is way too short as it is.
But "John", I'll call him, obviously didn't feel that way. I don't have much information with which to work, but from what I understand, the suicide could have been motivate by the fact that he'd essentially been unemployed for the last four years.
He was a handsome, friendly guy with a great smile and a great sense of humor, and he did have artistic talent. He just wasn't make a living with it.
For most men, being unemployed that long is spirit-crushing. Career women are an extremely important part of today's world, and for some women, their careers are everything. But the fact remains, women tends to marry men who earn more than they do. Quality women who want a family tend to look for men who will provide enough "security" for them to not have to work full time. When a woman hears from a female friend that the friend is seeing a new man, the first, or one of the first questions will be "What does he do for a living?" if it wasn't immediately stated. Men don't care all that much what each other's girlfriends do for a living (a guy will boast about his date's job only if it implies she is beautiful/sexy).
For men like John, not having a successful career is devastating.
John had a brother and countless cousins. He probably looked around him and saw all of them in their marriages and raising children. He was in his mid-40s and hadn't been able to build enough stability or savings to support a family, and probably realized that even if his career were to take off tomorrow, it was going to be too late for him to build a relationship, marry, have children, and fit in to the culture of his extended family.
It is too bad he didn't see the good possibilities ahead, even if he never married, even if he ended up working a low-level job for the rest of his life. It is too bad that he did this to his family and friends.
I've known too many people who have taken their own lives.
Life is too short as it is. There are always good times ahead. There is help. Get help instead of doing this to those who love you.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thank You, Veterans
There really aren't words to describe how thankful I am for our military veterans. Thank you to all who have served.
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Where Are the Good Guys Going?
It's understatement, and a late statement. It would be like saying the federal government is starting to go beyond Constitutional mandates. Mark wrote in to Dr. Laura, prompted by her monologue on women being attracted to bad boys:
Previously: Thoughts on the Marriage Delay and Marriage Strike
We 'good guys' eventually become more than a little bit misogynistic when we see our 'bad' brethren basically having their way.....over and over and over again......with women, while we often become neglected, and taken for granted, in our relationships. It's always been said, "Good guys finish last," but, frankly, I think it's never been truer than it is today.Just about every heterosexual guy wants sex from women. There are a few who, for whatever reason, have no sexual desire or a superseded sexual desire. The vast majority of straight guys want sex from women, even if they believe it is best to wait for marriage, or engagement, or "commitment" or "love", or whatever. Because of those beliefs, some men will resist temptations. But more men do find it more difficult to resist temptation when there are fewer worthy women. Men will see the guys around them having sex with few or no strings attached, with little effort spent... and what are they supposed to do? Save themselves for a woman who was out bed-hopping and is now of the attitude "been there, don't that", and make vows to her to lay down his life and financial security for her? I realize that this is the carnal way of viewing these matters, and that we're supposed to obey God regardless of the results, but how many people out there think that way?
Women who act this way do so at their own peril, in my opinion. It's becoming more and more apparent that ALL guys are losing more and more respect for women everyday. The bad boys never viewed them as being more than sexual objects and we good guys question whether or not staying true to the traditional values and mores is even worth it anymore.There are men out there who were good and would treat a woman with the utmost respect, love, affection, and kindness, but have had their hearts hardened and now take the casual sex freely offered without strings, picking the more plentiful easy women over the increasingly rare virtuous women. Such a man doesn't appear to suffer any consequences for doing so. Some men will be good men regardless, but many men will be only as good as women encourage them to be. Women do have that kind of power.
Previously: Thoughts on the Marriage Delay and Marriage Strike
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
A Refresher About What To Do
Let there be no doubt about what you are supposed to do when you witness (or have other proof) that someone is molesting or assaulting a child: call the police.
If you see the head of a charity molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your boss molesting a child, call the police.
If you see the coach of a championship team molesting a child, call the police.
If you see an educator molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a daycare (day orphanage) worker molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a police officer molesting a child, call other police.
If you see a pop music superstar molesting a child, call the police.]
If you see a member of the clergy molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a scout leader molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a neighbor molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a movie director molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a judge molesting a child, call the police.
If you see the President of the United States, or a candidate for such a position molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your spouse, shack-up, lover, or date molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your parent molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your sibling molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your grown child molesting a child, call the police.
Call the police. THEN you can call others. But call the police yourself. Don't rely on others to call the police or "take care" of the situation.
Protect children.
Got that?
(No, I was never molested.)
If you see the head of a charity molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your boss molesting a child, call the police.
If you see the coach of a championship team molesting a child, call the police.
If you see an educator molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a daycare (day orphanage) worker molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a police officer molesting a child, call other police.
If you see a pop music superstar molesting a child, call the police.]
If you see a member of the clergy molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a scout leader molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a neighbor molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a movie director molesting a child, call the police.
If you see a judge molesting a child, call the police.
If you see the President of the United States, or a candidate for such a position molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your spouse, shack-up, lover, or date molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your parent molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your sibling molesting a child, call the police.
If you see your grown child molesting a child, call the police.
Call the police. THEN you can call others. But call the police yourself. Don't rely on others to call the police or "take care" of the situation.
Protect children.
Got that?
(No, I was never molested.)
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
It All Started With That Dagnabit Telegraph Machine
As usual when I nitpick about something on Dr. Laura's radio show, I'll state that I love her show and books and agree with almost everything the says. She's made my life better and that of so many others.
On to the nitpick.
Dr. Laura's made no secret to her listeners of her concerns about technology. She had made comments about grown, married men being on Facebook ("even though" she tells her listeners to comment on Facebook). She recently noted what our technology is doing to our personal relationships and culture, and I think some (not all) of her concerns are like being concerned that the invention of the spear was cutting down on fathers showing their sons how to hunt without a spear.
On this past Friday’s show, she talked about "online dating". I don't think people really date online, though. They may communicate, they may have exhibition/masturbation sessions, but the issue that was really being addressed was finding a date online.
She tends to put research into her commentaries, and this was no exception. She said "1 out of 10 sex offenders uses online dating." My initial reaction to that stat: Is that all?!? I would think most sex offenders, like 7 or 8 out of 10, would use online dating, the rest either being too old to "get" technology or not wanting to violate probation.
This also brings up the question I always have with the phrase "sex offender". Are we talking about a 35-year-old man, now a model citizen, who, when he was 18, was prosecuted for having sex with his 17-year-old girlfriend? That's a far cry from someone who rapes a stranger or molests his relatives. It's like saying "sexual harassment". There's a difference between complimenting a woman on her new hairstyle and telling her you're going to fire her unless she does you.
I'm confident more than 1 in 10 sex offenders walks the aisles of supermarkets, so if someone asks you for your number or e-mail address when they meet you in a supermarket, look out!
Then Dr. Laura, based on that stat, made a common statistical error by saying it means that "one out of ten guys you find online is a sex offender". Nope! At least, not based on the stat she cited. That one in ten sex offenders uses online dating sites does NOT mean that one in ten guys on those sites is a sex offender. I won't bore you explaining that, but if you don't see what I mean, just trust me. Or ask someone who understands statistics.
She went on to say that online dating industry is bigger than the porn industry (which is good, because we all know that porn can lead to terrible things, like... dancing).
She cited a stat that said one of three women who meet men online, have sex on the first encounter. I do not think that has anything to do with online dating. The use of websites in general, and online dating in particular, are so common now that it is safe to say that these women would be doing this no matter how they met guys. Dr. Laura's comment reflected her overall attitude towards fornication: "Men are making out like bandits." That, as I've said before, implies that women don't enjoy fornication or get anything out of the dates. Yes, women tend to enjoy married lovemaking more (as do men), but many of them are getting orgasms, attention, ego boosts, free meals, or other things they want that they would not be getting if they weren't fornicating.
Anyway, the tips Dr. Laura went on to give about online dating, such as meeting in a neutral location, were very good. Even the best matchmaking services are simply ways of meeting people, and may be a way to keep in touch while dating. Nobody should assume that what someone has said about themselves is true or that the personality that comes across through the online communication is a thorough representation of the person. It takes spending time in person together in different circumstances to get to know that other person and see if they are what you need in a girlfriend/boyfriend, partner, or spouse.
On to the nitpick.
Dr. Laura's made no secret to her listeners of her concerns about technology. She had made comments about grown, married men being on Facebook ("even though" she tells her listeners to comment on Facebook). She recently noted what our technology is doing to our personal relationships and culture, and I think some (not all) of her concerns are like being concerned that the invention of the spear was cutting down on fathers showing their sons how to hunt without a spear.
On this past Friday’s show, she talked about "online dating". I don't think people really date online, though. They may communicate, they may have exhibition/masturbation sessions, but the issue that was really being addressed was finding a date online.
She tends to put research into her commentaries, and this was no exception. She said "1 out of 10 sex offenders uses online dating." My initial reaction to that stat: Is that all?!? I would think most sex offenders, like 7 or 8 out of 10, would use online dating, the rest either being too old to "get" technology or not wanting to violate probation.
This also brings up the question I always have with the phrase "sex offender". Are we talking about a 35-year-old man, now a model citizen, who, when he was 18, was prosecuted for having sex with his 17-year-old girlfriend? That's a far cry from someone who rapes a stranger or molests his relatives. It's like saying "sexual harassment". There's a difference between complimenting a woman on her new hairstyle and telling her you're going to fire her unless she does you.
I'm confident more than 1 in 10 sex offenders walks the aisles of supermarkets, so if someone asks you for your number or e-mail address when they meet you in a supermarket, look out!
Then Dr. Laura, based on that stat, made a common statistical error by saying it means that "one out of ten guys you find online is a sex offender". Nope! At least, not based on the stat she cited. That one in ten sex offenders uses online dating sites does NOT mean that one in ten guys on those sites is a sex offender. I won't bore you explaining that, but if you don't see what I mean, just trust me. Or ask someone who understands statistics.
She went on to say that online dating industry is bigger than the porn industry (which is good, because we all know that porn can lead to terrible things, like... dancing).
She cited a stat that said one of three women who meet men online, have sex on the first encounter. I do not think that has anything to do with online dating. The use of websites in general, and online dating in particular, are so common now that it is safe to say that these women would be doing this no matter how they met guys. Dr. Laura's comment reflected her overall attitude towards fornication: "Men are making out like bandits." That, as I've said before, implies that women don't enjoy fornication or get anything out of the dates. Yes, women tend to enjoy married lovemaking more (as do men), but many of them are getting orgasms, attention, ego boosts, free meals, or other things they want that they would not be getting if they weren't fornicating.
Anyway, the tips Dr. Laura went on to give about online dating, such as meeting in a neutral location, were very good. Even the best matchmaking services are simply ways of meeting people, and may be a way to keep in touch while dating. Nobody should assume that what someone has said about themselves is true or that the personality that comes across through the online communication is a thorough representation of the person. It takes spending time in person together in different circumstances to get to know that other person and see if they are what you need in a girlfriend/boyfriend, partner, or spouse.
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