Why Aren't You Married?

[I'm bumping up this entry because it is as relevant as ever. I noticed that I indicated that things go well in my marriage some of the time. "Well" is a relative term. If you would have described to me the "good" time in my marriage now before I married, I wouldn't have married.]

Even when things are going well in my marriage, I’m not one of those married guys who thinks everyone should be married. Unless someone has a baby on the way, it irritates me when I see someone pressuring someone else to get married. [My thinking on this has changed.]

Whether you are officially on a marriage strike or you have decided marriage is not for you, the fact remains that most people will get married at some time in their life, and so many people assume everyone wants to get married. Whether from relatives or coworkers or women who want you to buy them drinks, or fellow religious congregants, guys get to hear it over and over again: "Why aren't you married?"

If you are a Free Man or part of Men Going Their Own Way, or you are a marriage striker, or have simply decided marriage is not for you, what works as a good reply to this annoying question? Being married, I don’t use these, of course, but let's look at a few possible replies. Please comment with any good ones you have, too.

Here are six responses, getting progressively more provocative (I keep in mind that casual sex is no loner discouraged in our culture):

1."I don't want to inflict me on someone else."

If you are asked to elaborate, you can say "I'm not easy to live with. I have my faults and quirks and nobody else needs to be subjected to them. I need things to be my way and there's too much on which I can't compromise." This places all of the blame on you, and nobody can accuse you of being bitter or cynical. If anything, it will get the people to start complimenting you and offering sympathy, if you'd prefer that over contempt, as in "No, I think you're great." But you can always assure them, "Thank you, but you don't live with me day in and day out. I'm at peace with it."


2."I haven't found someone with whom I'm fundamentally compatible."

You don't have to come right out and say you haven't found a woman willing to sign a prenup who is a freaky multiorgasmic nymphomaniac with a great body (yet with no STDs) who will never age or butch up, likes making your meals and cleaning up after you, supports you spending time with the guys, and won't ever nag or talk your ear off. If someone asks for further explanation, you can sound like a deeper person by saying you haven't found someone with whom you have chemistry and compatible personalities, goals, values, priorities, lifestyles, habits, and worldviews. Say you take marriage far too seriously to marry someone with whom you're not compatible; it is a merging of souls, after all. You might get accused of being too picky, or having your standards too high in which case you can ask them, "So, you're saying you weren't picky in marrying your spouse? You would have married any old slob that came along?"


3. "I like my life the way it is."

If more explanation is requested, you can say "I like how I spend my days, how I spend my money, I like my home the way it is, I like my friends, I like my hobbies, and pretty much everything else about my life and do not see a need to radically change my life."


4."I don't have the time or money."

If you need to say more, say, "Really. Never have I ever felt bored or had more money than I knew what to do with, and thought, 'If only I had a wife on whom I could spend this time and money.'"


5."I have no desire to sign away at least half of everything I'll ever earn to a woman, legally obligating myself to any child she might have while cheating, and giving that same woman the power to send me to jail on a whim in exchange for getting to have sex with her - when she feels like it - and nobody else for the rest of my life."

Finally...

6. "Well, I would get married, except that would mean taking some time out of my busy sex life." Or, "I would get married, but I can't decide which of my booty calls I should pick." Or, "But if I get married to Jenny on Saturday, how will I still be able to make my booty call with Brittany on Sunday?"


These responses may prompt more "questions" (lecturing) by the person who is so threatened by the existence of happily unmarried people:

"Aren't you lonely?"

No.


"I'd be lonely."

I'm not you.


"I think everyone, deep down, wants to share their life with that special person."

You thinking it doesn't make it true.



"Don't you want someone to take care of you?"

That's what long-term care insurance and medical professionals are for.



"You're selfish and a self-centered."

Didn't you just tell me to marry someone so they could take care of me and so I wouldn't be lonely?

-OR-

Well then isn't it better that I not marry?


"Married people have more sex."

Ah yes, it wouldn't be self-centered or selfish of me to get married so that I could have more sex – that is, until I'm too old to have sex and she has to wait on me hand and foot in my convalescence.

-OR-

I highly doubt the average married person is having more sex than me. I know the average married person is not having the sexual variety I'm having.


"Marriage civilizes and matures men."

Yes, I was just noticing how uncivilized and immature the Pope and all of the Roman Catholic priests are. But I get it - it is totally unselfish of an immature, uncivilized guy to make a woman take care of him.


"You'll find someone, and then you’ll change your mind."

Yeah, drunks fall off of the wagon, too, but that's nothing to cheer on.

-OR-

The more I meet, the more my mind gets reinforced.

Have you had or witnessed conversations like this? What retorts have you made or heard?

ADDED: See this page on why you don't want to get married (or shack up, or even be in a relationship.)