Memorial Day

I should have mentioned military service in this previous posting. Someone can find purpose, meaning, and direction from serving in the military. Seeing other parts of the world - especially highly troubled parts of the world, can give a person a lot of perspective and understanding. Notice that people who come here to the USA from other countries often appreciate the freedom and opportunities here that native born kids might not see in their dazed and bored life.

And let's remember our soldiers who have fallen.

What Do You Want to Be?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

HOPELESS IN CHANDLER, ARIZ wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 19-year-old guy who doesn't know what I want to do with my life.

A lot of people are in that boat. Even some people who are sure they know what they want to do with their life when they are 19 end up doing something else – and a lot of them are happy. Sure, some people know from age 10 and never waver and they realize that goal and they never change careers or family plans. But a lot of people do change their minds. A great many people do not end up doing the thing for which they thought they were getting their college degree.

I know I'm still young and shouldn't stress out about what my career in life will be, but nothing seems to interest me. I don't want to be a doctor or an astronomer like some do. I can't cook or play any instruments, and I'm not very good with numbers. I have thought of hundreds of careers -- and I hate them all.

Maybe you're depressed? Are you being drugged up? Some people (including some of our youth) are pessimistic or cynical or discouraged about life in general. To them, the world either doesn’t make any sense or seems prohibitively oppressive. But there are opportunities - so many things left to be done, discovered, and created.

You didn't mention people. How are you with people? Maybe you'll find yourself if you go on a mission or serve a charitable cause.

Dear Abby gives some good words, including this...

Although you have decided what jobs do not interest you, nowhere have you mentioned any areas in which you excel. For that reason I'm advising you to go to your nearest community college career counseling center and ask to take some aptitude tests. People usually enjoy doing something they're good at.

Here's what I would say to someone in his position (and some others):

Yes, take those aptitude tests.

Take general education courses and introductory courses at community college. You may find something you like, and you won't be blowing the money you would be at a college or university.

Is it possible you want to be "just" a father/househusband? If you want kids and are good with kids, then you can probably find a career-minded woman who would rather climb the corporate ladder and would benefit from having a husband at home raising her kids and taking care of her. If you can find one who can still respect you as a man and not resent you for staying home, then it could work out.

Leaving aside parenting, every person has something to offer their fellow human beings. We all have some talents, some aptitude, some resource. For some people it is the ability to think through complex things fast. For others it is artistry; others have physical strength; others are exceptionally beautiful; others are good as listening; for others it is a trust fund; etc. There are so many different aspects to us, and we all have something in abundance that we can trade to other human beings for things we lack and need or desire.

Think hard and come up with these lists... ask other people if you need to:

What are you good at? (There is something – probably many things.)

What do you like to do, even if you aren't the best at it?

What can you do that will get people to pay you money?

The lists are going to look different from each other. But there will likely be at least one thing that each list will have in common.

That is what you focus on.

One you find that, you find out how to make a life of it. Find others who have done it or something like it, and find out how they got to where they are.

This book might help.

Easier Release

My blogroll has a couple of blogs from the folks behind The Marriage Bed - The Generous Husband and The Generous Wife. Their website and their blogs are chock full of helpful information and discussions about sexual matters. They are Christians and their material reflects that, but one need not be a Christian to benefit from their content.

Yes, this is another entry about lovemaking techniques.

I wanted to call attention to a recent entry on The Generous Husband about manual sex (wife pleasuring husband), called Let Her Handle It.

For most women, manual sex on hubby is the easiest possibility. Many who resist are just unsure of how to do it, and that is easily fixed with some instruction or a demonstration.

Do you find that to be true, ladies?

He goes on to write some Q&A...

Q. When should her doing some hand jobs be an option?
A. I’d say it’s a good choice any time she is unable or unwilling to have intercourse as regularly as you would like.

Sounds good.

Q. How do you suggest [requesting this]?
A. This will vary from couple to couple. If she’s done it in the past, you might suggest it when she had declined to have intercourse. If this would be something new, suggest it at a non-sexual time, or bring it up after sex. Whenever you bring it up, I would suggest you show it as a win/win – less cost to her, some help to you. Letting her know you realise sex is sometimes difficult for her is a good thing, and it should make her more understanding of your needs.

I've quite enjoyed manual sex when intercourse and oral sex were not options. I read somewhere that blindfolded, men enjoy it more than oral sex (which indicates that part of what makes oral sex enjoyable to men is the visual aspect and also the psychological aspect). It makes sense, given how much we use our hands, that we have two hands, and the ability to vary the pressure we apply and how we apply it. Women have one tongue, but ten fingers.

As the GH points out, it manual sex doesn't have to be boring. If possible, use a lubricant and both hands – there are two-handed techniques such as alternating so that as one hand moves up off the head, the other hand is starting back at or near the scrotum, then quickly moving up towards the head. Continuing the stroking through the climax may be especially appreciated. Kissing your husband (not necessarily on his genitals), talking – you can probably say certain things in a certain way to really drive him wild, and being naked may all be appreciated parts of the experience, along with a bunch of other things I may discuss another time.

Mistaken For a Cougar

HAPPILY MARRIED MOM IN OHIO wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm an athletic, youthful-looking 58, and my son, "Barry," is 24.

Good for you.

We go out alone for dinner quite often because my husband (Barry's father) doesn't enjoy eating in restaurants.

Good.

My problem is the angry stares my son and I get from younger -- and older -- women who mistake me for a "cougar" out on a date with my "cub."

There's nothing you can do about it, other than calling him "son" loudly enough in conversation so that these other people hear you (of course they might still assume it is a date and be even more hostile). If you are in public, you have to deal with the public. Or choose restaurants with booths that have more privacy.

The other night when I left our table to use the restroom, a woman approached Barry, told him he was "disgusting," and asked, "Why don't you date girls your own age?"

Really, what is disgusting about a younger man having dinner with an older woman? If you think that is disgusting, is it also disgusting if the sexes are reversed? If you say it is disgusting because it must be about sex, then don't kid yourselves – most dates these days are about sex.

As far as the second sentence, I can think of several responses...

"Because they do rude things, like approach strangers trying to enjoy a dinner with a parent and insult them."

"Because they're too easy."

"Older women know what they are doing."

"Because I want to talk about meaningful things like the world situation, and it is very hard to find an unmarried 24-year-old-or-younger woman these days who pays attention to such things – watching MTV doesn't count."

"She likes me for my personality/body/staying power in bed, not my wallet. She has her own money."

They won't be likely to know what to say after that.

He informed her that I was his mother, but even if I wasn't, it was none of her business.

You're right.

Another time, a girl Barry's age asked him why he was out with "an old hag" and said, "How can you want her over me?"

He could have said, "I don't have to choose. Meet me later." But then again, after she called his mother and old hag, why would he want her?

But something else comes to mind... why would this woman's son tell her these things? If someone called my mother an old hag while she was in the restroom, I wouldn't tell her that when she came back to the table. Maybe he's making it up?

This happens every time we go out.

That's suspicious. Or you are exaggerating.

Interestingly, young men who have commented thought it was "awesome" that Barry could be out with a cougar.

Exactly.

It's only the females who have a problem with us.

What, are you telling me men and women are different, and sometimes it is women that make life difficult for other women, especially when it comes to relationships? Naaaah.

Sounds like jealousy on the part of these other women. Dear Abby agrees.

I've written before about some of my experiences with significantly older women. My wife is five years younger than me - the only serious girlfriend I ever had who was more than a year or two younger than me. It wasn't like I wasn't attracted to younger women. I just don't think they were as attracted to me. I had a habit winning women over with my personality, my humor, my voice, my conversation. Younger women (meaning early 20s) are about partying and money.

Sometimes, when I was out with the older women, people would react - but that comes with the territory. It is a little more accepted these days.

The Path Not Chosen

Sometimes, I think I shouldn't have had kids. Don't get me wrong – I wanted kids, and wanted to have them when we had them, and I enjoy my kids. I love them. I find them adorable, cute, sweet... they teach me a lot about myself and about God. Although I feel relief at being able to relax when they are being entertained by family members, I never feel like "Ugh... I want to get away from these creatures!" I find a lot of joy in them.

No, the reason that I sometimes think I shouldn't have had kids is because of my own personality and interests. If left to myself – without honey-do orders or requests for attention from the kids – my interests are ones that are largely solitary. I like reading, writing, and stuff like that. If, God forbid, I was limited to bedrest, it would probably take me years to get through the books I already have in my home. I like watching TV shows and movies and online content and listening to music and radio shows that aren't always bad for children to see/hear, but are too mature (or even immature) or strange for them, or just boring to them.

I don't mind people, as long as they aren't being vulgar and illegal. I do enjoy myself when hanging out in a crowd, or playing with my children in a park. But I could spend forever in my den, by myself, doing solitary activities, and be happy.

Since my wife reserves almost all errands and most chores for the times when I am home, I am busy doing those things. If I don't take the kids out, they might not get our beyond our backyard except for the times we go to see family.

And so when I’m not busy earning income, I'm usually doing something with the kids or running errands. My reading is usually squeezed in while I am keeping an eye on the kids in a situation in which I don't have to constantly stare at them.

This is not the way I pictured life would be. I thought having my wife drop her job and be a full-time mother would mean that we'd have more time for recreation when I wasn't working. On the other hand, I know how hard I find doing anything when I am alone with the kids.

My kids need their father. They need me there to talk with them, guide them, hug them, tickle them, play games with them, run errands with them, and protect them. They don't need me to lock myself in my den.

So I don't. Their needs take priority over my wants. Soon enough, I expect that they will try to stay away from me as much as possible if they are anything like I was when I was a teenager.

Fixating on What You Can't Have

There has been a lot of material of interest in the advice columns lately.

HEARTBROKEN IN INDIANAPOLIS wrote in to Dear Abby:

Why do we fall in love with people who we absolutely, positively cannot have?

I've been there. When I realized my pattern, I wondered if I was avoiding marriage. Of course, I was "having" those women, in some sense. I just couldn't marry them.

A lot of women do this – fall for guys they can't have on a permanent basis. This is a large part of why jerks get chicks. The women are used to being treated poorly, or think they should be treated poorly, or think they can change the jerk (they think they have a magic vagina). Guys who don't want to get married, when they figure this out, love it. They can act like jerks and still get sex, and nobody expects them to commit and stick around. A lot of women come up with a script in their minds about how they want their life to be, and then they cast people in the roles. They'll get a guy to play the role in their script, and it doesn't matter, at least for a while, that he really doesn't fit that role. When she realizes that he doesn't, she may get very upset about it, or she may continue in denial.

Dear Abby responded:

Some people do it because they don't recognize the warning signs quickly enough to back off before becoming enmeshed. Others can't resist a challenge. And still others do it because -- believe it or not -- it's less threatening than falling in love with someone we absolutely, positively CAN have.

All true.

One Woman's Advice on Keeping a Hubby

I regularly check out the letters from listeners posted over at DrLaura.com, and I recommend you do, too. There was one printed recently called "How to Keep Your Husband".

These instructions are a fool proof method of how to not only keep your husband, but how to keep him happy. These instructions do not apply to relationships with abuse, drug or alcohol addictions, or affairs. Although, it is important to note that if the following steps are followed, there will be no affairs.

She goes on to detail these steps:

Step 1: Own your position

That includes greeting him and feeding him.

Step 2: Pick your battles wisely

Step 3: Don't make him your girlfriend

That includes clear, simple requests, and not talking his ear off.

Step 4: Give affection often

That includes not withholding sex out of spite.

Step 5: Learn forgiveness and letting go

She goes on to write...

We must recognize and never forget that a man wants to take care of his wife. He wants to provide for her and protect her. He sees it as his job. The wife must allow him to do this.

It's a good letter and I recommend reading the whole thing. Here are my recent thoughts on pretty much the same topic.

Her Husband Gave Jewelry to a "Dancer"

WOUNDED HEART IN OKLAHOMA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband had an affair with a stripper.

You married a dummy. Out of all of the things I have done wrong, I've never witnessed a live performance of a stripper. I've never darkened the door of a strip club. I believe I have mentioned before that I made it clear during my "bachelor party" night out that I didn't want a stripper, and I turned down my own father's suggestion during said festivities that we go to one of those clubs. I had to repeat myself. And my father is a generally decent man - it is just that going to these sorts of clubs has become so commonplace, especially for bachelor parties.

Aside from the morality, the fact is, strippers are experts at extracting money from men and giving those men less than they can get from a date or a hooker. They are hookers that (usually) don't put out. They take the money, and usually just frustrate men. These days, women get naked and have casual sex with strangers for free. Why pay?

I guess some guys pay to see strippers because they reason that it is more acceptable to do that than have a mistress or hire a hooker. But still... when I'm hungry, I don't pay to watch someone cook a hamburger. I eat. And this guy apparently got involved enough to buy jewelry.

I found out about it because he bought her some jewelry and was stupid enough to have the bill sent to our home.

See what I mean about the money? She's getting jewelry from him, and he's a dummy for buying jewelry for a stripper, and possibly a dummy for not covering his track. He may have wanted to be found out.

We have been married more than 20 years and I love him, but this haunts me every day. I am heartbroken, but I'm trying to make our marriage work. He never admitted to any of it and says nothing happened between them.

It is possible that nothing happened between them. Remember – she's a stripper. She's used to getting money from men without actually doing things with them.

I don't know whether to keep on trying or leave him and hope to get on with my life.

To figure that out, ask yourself honestly - why did he do this? Is he generally a bad guy, or have things gone sour in the marriage? He might have been desperate for what appeared to be affection, attention, and admiration from a woman. I don't know of a healthy husband who is going to choose watching a stripper over sex with his wife. Is he getting enough sex?

Dear Abby responded:

It takes effort on the part of both husband and wife, plus honest communication and often professional counseling to heal a relationship when there has been infidelity.

He might need a financial counselor most of all.

Even though you love your husband, it's time to start taking care of yourself. And the place to start is by insisting on professional counseling. If he won't go, go without him.

That could work. Or she may find a bad counselor who tells her that it is wrong for a husband to be horny.

Men May Be Depressed by Arrival of Child

The Journal of the American Medial Association published a study noting an increase in depression during their "partner's" pregnancy and during the year following the child's birth. I found out about this from a Los Angeles Times article by Shari Roan.

Discussions of the connection between mental health and childbirth have long focused on women, but a sizeable portion of men experience prenatal and postpartum depression too, according to research released Tuesday.

Well of course a lot of it has focused on women. Women are the ones who ovulate, get pregnant, are pregnant for nine months with at least one other person growing and moving around inside them, go through labor and delivery, lactate, and have all of the pre and post-natal hormonal variations. The guy could die during intercourse. The guy can leave his semen in a cup and never meet the mother - she can still go through all of those things. Pregnancy has effects on men mostly because they are living with the mother, witness the birth, and are socially and financially responsible for their child.

The study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Assn., found that 10.4% of men experienced serious depression at some point between his partner's first trimester and one year after childbirth, more than double the depression rate for men in general.

Is this a surprise? More responsibility, less sex, a wife with mood swings, less sleep, and less freedom. And what if he didn't want to have a child, or didn't want to have a child with this woman? The study appears to take into account all pregnancies, not just ones within marriage, after all, and the article makes no distinction between planned and unwelcome pregnancies.

American men were more likely to experience prenatal or postpartum depression compared with men in other countries, 14.1% in the U.S. compared with 8.2% internationally.

Well, sure – men in some countries may barely look at their child. American men are expected to be as engaged in caring for their baby once he or she is born - aside from breastfeeding, of course – as the mother. Cynics might argue that it is because American men are dealing with American women that there is this increased in depression. Now, I married an American woman. And for the most part I’m happy with her. But I can’t say she is typical. I believe she is extraordinary. But I've never been married to any other American women, so how can my observation be confirmed?

"It's viewed as a disorder of motherhood. It's not viewed by health professionals and the public as a problem in fathers," said James F. Paulson, the lead author of the study and an assistant professor of pediatrics at Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk.

But depression in either parent can affect both the couple's relationship and the child's development, Paulson said, adding that further study is needed.

Well of course it can, and of course further study is needed. "Further study is needed" is code for "Give me money to do further study."

The contemporary father may be more vulnerable to this malady than previous generations of fathers because of the increasing number of women in the workplace and the corresponding expectations that he shoulder more responsibilities at home.

Like I said.

"We are expecting dads to be more involved in parenting than we ever have before," said Will Courtenay, a psychotherapist and researcher on paternal depression in Berkeley who was not involved in the study. "Most dads are welcoming of that, but they don't have any models about what a dad is supposed to do. That creates uncertainty, and that uncertainty can lead to anxiety and depression."

I wonder how much guys having been raised without their own fathers in the home is contributing to this? I would like to see comparisons between fathers who were raised by their own fathers and those who weren't raised with their father, and also fathers who had younger siblings and those who didn't.

Someone named "knew.horizon" wrote after the story that...

What is problematic about this is how the press wants to make a issue out of an everyday happening. Men become fathers everyday and for the most part, they do quite well and have for centuries. So, 10% of men get depressed after the birth of a child. Big deal. It's only natural, hell, I bet a larger percent of men get depressed after their first relationship rejection.

"Wendy L" wrote...

Everyone can get depression. Postpartum depression is different for the mom because the body goes through a lot of changes…Yes it's true that things can be tough for the dad too, but it's really not the same.

"LAmark" responded...

It is amazing the sexism towards men in these two first comments from Wendy L and knew.horizon.

Ten percent of any population is a significant number.

"mike.polyurethane" wrote...

Just change it to depression instead of Postpartum, otherwise some women will feel like their ego's victim side is getting diminished.

That change will most likely alleviate the sexist remarks like "take it like a man", aka shutup because you were born incorrectly

I do believe that women have to deal with a lot more when it comes to hormonal issues (I mean, that's a fact, right?), and I do not envy them in that regard. On the other hand, most women have no idea what it is like to have huge amounts of testosterone racing through their system. Men understand why teenage guys do what they do, whether it is fighting or yelling or jumping through major hoops to have an orgasm or simply get a glimpse at a nice female body.

Finally, "bawbee" wrote...

I mostly think the depression comes from now having to raise the kid in the United States where the politicians tie the parents hand behind their backs.

While I agree that there is likely too much undermining and limiting of parental authority these days, I do not think that has any impact on how fathers are feeling while dealing with a pregnant partner or infant.

On the flip side to all of this is that becoming a father can be enormously uplifting to a man, too. Becoming and being a father has been one of those experiences that I can talk about, but I know another guy is not going to fully get it until he becomes a father himself. From the prenatal visit with the listening and the viewings, to the births, to having the kids welcome me home and share their joy over learning something knew – there are so many emotions and feelings that fill a happy father.

More Bad Advertising For Marriage

CBS, on their early show and on their website, reported that an iVillage study says that wives would rather read, watch movies, or sleep than have sex.

A new iVillage survey of wives aged 18-49 reveals that sex in married life takes a little bit of a hit. Surprised?

No. Why? Because the wives who are having sex don't have time to take surveys from iVillage. But a lot of women have also taken too much onto their plates under pressure from other women and sometimes their husbands as well. And we have turned sexuality upside down - we behave as though it should be involved in everything everywhere, with less emphasis on its importance to marriage.

Two thousand American wives between the ages of 18 and 49 were surveyed about their sex lives by iVillage. The most alarming finding was that 77 percent reported being "somewhat to extremely happy" with their sex life, but 63 percent of them would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex.

This is one of the biggest contributing factors to the marriage strike by men, whether formal or informal. A lot of unmarried women sure behave as though they'd rather have sex than sleep, watch a movie, or read. What happens to those women? Does wedding cake really change body chemistry that much? Is it bait and switch?

On "The Early Show," Kerner joked to "Early Show" co-anchor Julie Chen, "First of all, I want to say I'm a dad, I have two kids. And a lot of men out there would also prefer sleep or books."

Sure, if their wife is frigid, emasculating, or has gained a hundred pounds - or if the guy has a hormonal deficiency.

He continued, "But on the serious side, I kind of look at this as sort of bad news. You may say you're happy with your sex life, but in the end, if night after night you're consistently picking a book, TV, Facebook, digital networking, any distraction that's out there over intimacy with your partner, in the long run, your relationship could become vulnerable to things like infidelity.”

This idea sends people – mostly foaming-at-the-mouth-feminists – into fits. "So a wife should have sex just so her husband doesn't cheat?" They often say something along those lines, even calling it rape unless the woman initiated the sex. Wives should have sex when their husband wants it because it is FUN and good for them and their relationship and because they made vows. Although, I can believe that based on the kinds of men women with this attitude are marrying, sex with them may indeed feel like a chore. But let's not kid ourselves – while I do not excuse cheating, yes, a husband is more likely to cheat if he isn't getting what he needs at home. What would you do if you came home, you were hungry, there was no food, and your husband refused to get some? Are you just going to sit there and be hungry? Or are you going to go out and find some food even if your husband isn't with you? What if someone is waving your favorite meal right under your nose?

Kerner replied, "I think it's normal, but also a little lazy. I think your sex life is sort of like going to the gym. You got to get back into the routine and it's a little hard at the beginning, but once you do it, it's like try it, you'll like it. You'll want to keep going to the gym."

No way. Lovemaking is much easier to get into and much more fun and convenient than going to the gym. Don't these "experts" realize that unmarried young people read stuff like this and think, "Who needs marriage?"

Over half of the women surveyed reported that they are married to "the best sex of their lives."

I can believe that, although for some of them it is the only sex of their lives. Also, there's some rationalization going on there, too. Plus, even if the sex behavior itself isn't better, having it in the context of a secure marriage makes it more enjoyable for women in general. As for me, although my wife is the best kisser I've experienced and is very attractive and although I'd never tell her this, if we're talking sheer skill in the physical aspects of sex, she's not the best I've had. (And again, I know I wasn't supposed to be having anyone before I was married.) Some of my past partners have had extensive experience. My wife was a virgin when we married, she has some "restrictions" past lovers didn't have, and we really haven't had a lot of freedom yet in our marriage to really practice making things better.

However, 62 percent of women said they fantasize about having sex with someone other than their husband.

And a bunch more are liars who didn’t want to admit it.

“One of the other really interesting things that we found is that, although 77 percent, some incredibly high percentage of women, were really happy with their sex life, almost 80 percent of women rated their sex lives as predictable in some way, whether they keep doing it the same night of the week, the same position, the same room of the house. That predictability didn't affect their happiness."

Interesting. What about their husbands?

Look, I think it can’t be denied that, in general, men want sex more than women do. The clearest evidence of this is the fact that men make up the overwhelming majority of prostitution customers. If women really wanted sex as much as men, there would be very little prostitution. It's a matter of supply and demand.

So what's the answer? Don't get married and have sex with partners who will have sex with you as often as you want it? That's exactly what some men do. But I do believe that society needs marriage, in no small part because raising the future citizens of society is best done within marriage. Aside from my conviction that sex is for marriage, I think marriage is good for society. I'm also convinced that a marriage is stronger if the spouses remain faithful to each other. So is the answer for husbands to simply regularly do with less sex than they want, or for wives to seek to meet the desires of their husbands, hopefully getting into it and enjoying it each time, even if they weren't feeling it at first?

Why not default towards the more sex option?

Speaking from my own experience - I didn't get married because I wanted to lose unilateral decision making power, had too much money and free time on my hands, and really wanted to obligate myself to other people. While I adore my wife, enjoy my wife's company, and she is my best friend, I got married primarily so that I could engage in godly lovemaking with her and so that I would be making and raising my children in the best conditions possible. Yes, I got married for other reasons, too, but a lot of those other things I could have have obtained through other means other than marriage. I didn't get married so that I would see more of Oprah. I'd rather make love with my wife than read my favorite author or watch my favorite movie.

Remember, ladies – if you need something from your hubby, whether it is more wining and dining, sticking up for you to his family, or something specific in bed, tell him in a positive, encouraging, constructive way. Show him what you need. If you married the right man, he'll be happy to do what it takes to get your motor running.

I know if the option was 1) having my wife make love to me, bringing me to orgasm as I stay passive (or, her staying passive while I make love to her and have an orgasm while she doesn't) or 2) me giving her a massage, making her feel loved and cared for, then making love to her as she passively enjoyed it and reached orgasm and I didn't reach orgasm - I'd pick option 2. I'd rather take care of her than take care of me. Of course, those aren't the only two options. but if they were, that is what I'd want.

Long Distance Relationships From High School

This is the time of year that so many high school seniors face questions about the future of their relationships. COLLEGE-BOUND wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am an 18-year-old high school senior who will be leaving for college soon.

Congratulations.

My boyfriend, also a senior, will be leaving, too.

Good for him.

We have been going out for the past two years and trust each other completely.

I know there are exceptions, but generally, I think it is best that high schoolers don't have an exclusive boyfriend or girlfriend. I say that as someone who, at the time, thought it was supposed to be that way – that you found a girlfriend and stuck with that relationship as long as possible. Sixty, seventy years ago, living in a farm community, maybe. But really, I think it limits a teen more than it grows them. As a parent, I will be encouraging my own children to do things in groups. And no, I don’t mean group sex.

We attended different schools, so we are both fairly adapted to a "long-distance relationship."

Going to different high schools in the same or adjoining cities doesn't really count as distance.

The problem is I will be going to college in Florida while he will be staying in Michigan. Neither of us wants to break up, but we understand the enormous changes that will be taking place soon…What are the chances of a long-distance relationship like this working out?

Not good. Are you having sex regularly with this guy? If so, do you really think he'll stop having sex on a regular basis, especially with girls hooking up on campus these days with no strings attached? You see, he's not having sex because it is you. He's having sex because it is him. On the flip side, you're going to be meeting thousands of new guys your age – some from around the world, some a little older, who are going to be asking you out. Do you really want to turn down a nice dinner, or a concert, or some other date with a guy you find interesting and attractive because there's a guy in Michigan you'll see maybe three times a year?

Even if both of you are virgins and plan to wait for marriage, it won't be practical to keep an exclusive long term relationship. At that age, I don't recommend exclusivity even if you're on the next street over.

Sometimes, due to military service or some other occupation, married couples have to spend a long time apart. But they're married and established adults. A boyfriend at 18 or 19 is not a husband.

How about making an agreement that you'll go out with each other, if you still want to, when you are in the same place, whether that is Michigan, Florida, or home – and that you will not talk about your dates with other people?

Your priorities right now should be focusing on your studies and maybe getting a job to pay your bills or get your foot in the door of your chosen career. You'll be learning a lot about yourself and what you need in a spouse, or if you even want to get married.

Dear Abby's advice is pretty good. But that's what they pay her for, right?

Giving the Finger (Or Losing the Finger)

I've written before about my in-laws and their drinking. My MIL is great - when she is sober. My wife is very familiar with her mother's stages of drunkenness, so we almost always leave her presence before things get too bad.

Sometimes, after a family dinner and after we've left, my MIL will go into a drunken rage.

Recently, she and FIL got into it during one such instance.

A door was slammed.

Off came the tip of one of my MIL's fingers.

She ended up having the entire portion of the finger at the last knuckle surgically amputated.

Good times.

I wonder how long it will be before she asks again why we don't leave the kids there?

Wilt Chamberlain Still Makes Him Look Like a Beginner

"Patrick" wrote in to Dear Margo and, according to the column, included his phone number.

I am a 65-year-old man who's enjoyed a great sex life, from the age of 16, with more than 400 women.

This is entirely possible. Do the numbers... even if you narrow it to ages 25-65, that's 40 years, back to 1970, after "free love" was well underway. That's ten a year – less than one a month. Entirely possible.

I am writing you about the wives who write about their husbands having affairs. You women just don’t get it. We are doing what we were programmed to do. The primary function of the male of the species is to breed.

Darwinian thinking (or, possibly just him looking for and excuse), Hey, if philosophical naturalism and Darwinism is true, he's right. But on the flip side, we couldn't blame women for doing whatever they felt like, too. Like cutting off our balls.

I married my first wife when I was 24.

You should have never have done that if you weren't going to stay faithful, especially if she didn't consent to such conditions.

Shortly after the wedding, her sister and two of her best friends came on to me.

Sound like quality people.

When I told my wife about their behavior, she got mad at me and said these women would never do such a thing.

One of the two of you was delusional or in denial. Which, we don't know.

Two years later, I had sex with my neighbor's wife, and she told my wife, thinking I would marry her if we got divorced.

Wow, you know how to foster a strong neighborhood and treat your wife don't you?

Men felt Tiger Woods did nothing wrong.

Some men. Some men do think he did something wrong, and that the women also did something wrong (though they seem to be getting rewarded for their wrongs). Some men think the only thing he did wrong was get married in the first place.

You women need to grow up and face the truth.

The truth is, it is possible for a man to stay faithful. Many have. It is easier when his wife remains his girlfriend, but he can stay faithful either way.

When your husband has sex with another woman, he is not cheating; he is following his biology.

Why isn't it possible that he's doing both? And would you say this to excuse your buddy taking a dump in your new car? That's biology, too.

I could go on and tell you more, but I don't have the time right now because there is a married woman a few blocks away waiting for me.

There's Judge waiting for you, too. And waiting for me, too. Good luck with that. As for me, I throw myself on the mercy of the court.

Look, I like sex. I like women. I like having sex with women. I fully expect that the only woman I will ever have sex with again is my wife. If there were no negative consequences of any sort – spiritual, emotional, physical – if it would be no harm to my wife, kids, my, or anyone else – then sex with lots of other women would be great. But it is possible and beneficial to channel our urges into marriage with one woman – because there are consequences to sex – some of them being emotional. It is better to bond with my wife and not bond in that way with anyone else.

I'm not going to say that sleeping around is okay. But don't make it worse by dragging a wife and kids into it. If you're going to do it, don't get married, get snipped, and stick to doing it with childless, unmarried women. There are plenty who will have you.

Female CEOs Earn More Than Male CEOs

This ABC News report by Bianna Golodryga and Michael Murray has some good news for women.

A new report from Bloomberg News, the leading provider of business news worldwide, shows that women who head the nation's largest companies are earning substantially more than their male counterparts.

Good for them. Are there any feminist leaders upset by this inequality? Probably not. These women should be getting whatever they’ve negotiated - no more, no less. It is up to the companies.

What's more, in 2009 female CEOs got raises averaging nearly 30 percent, while male CEOs took pay cuts.

In addition to invoking the bogus general pay gap, though, the article continues...

Despite those huge salaries, there is a huge caveat: There are still very few women who have made it to the corner office when compared to the number of men in those positions of corporate power. Only 16 companies listed in the S&P 500 are run by women.

The percentage of women in those positions will increase over time- but it does take time. Most of the current CEOs for these companies launched their careers decades ago, when things were very different. I do not expect, though, that there will ever be a 50/50 split, due to the realities of human nature. Social engineering only goes so far. It is nice that women have real choices in life, but I expect that fewer women than men are going to make the choices that will take them to the top of the corporate ladder. Flip the issue though – women can make those choices and be socially supported. Men have much less of a real choice to be “stay at home” fathers.

"There's 16 women making money and that's great," says Marie Wilson of The White House Project, a women's advocacy group. "I'm concerned about the vast majority of women who are now the majority of the workforce & it's kind of like the 16 supercorporate women are doing well. And that's a good sign - but it's not good enough."

It will never ever be enough. If it was, she’d be out a of job.

The article then goes on to really push the bogus general pay gap nonsense. Can't focus on the good news, can they? Nope. Gotta try to convince women that they are getting screwed over in a way that men aren't.

In one ABC News behavior lab experiment, volunteers were told they would be paid between $5 and $12 for their time participating in a study. Everyone was offered the minimum, but the men and women differed wildly in their reactions to the payment. More than half the men asked for more money, but only a third of the women bargained for more.

Whose responsibility is it to ask for more?

See this previous entry and this previous entry on the bogus general pay gap notion.

A Warning Against Adultery

This Dear Abby column from today or yesterday has a letter from a man offering a warning to others about committing adultery like he did.

In a story written by a relative of mine, one character recalls that on his wedding day, his long-married uncle tells him that one reason he never cheated was that he didn't want to have to see a cheater when he looked in the mirror.

There are many reasons to avoid adultery - some selfish, some not. Men considering marriage need to keep them in mind as well as married men who are flirting - figuratively or literally - with danger. Perhaps a husband resents his wife. But does he also resent his children, his family, and everyone else who will be hurt?

Put the energy you would be putting in an affair into making your marriage better. That goes for both men and women. I used to hear stories from a woman who was claiming to be cheating on her husband, and that's one thing I thought - why doesn't she put all this effort into being with her own husband?

I've written before about someone close to me who fooled around. It has been many years since that all came out, and even though he is still married, it still hurts his wife and is still thrown in his face by his wife and his children.

Is the temporary thrill worth it? I think it would have to be a very rare case where the answer would be yes.

Love the one you're with.

Ugly Ducklings

I wrote recently that my voice is one of my more attractive features, from what others have told me. The funny thing is, when I was growing up I hated my voice. I was convinced it was annoying to people, based on how it sounded to me when I heard myself on a recording – hoarse.
But then I grew up. My voice got full and deep. I also developed an ability to mimic other voices very well that has been good for laughs.

I think it was actress Denise Richards who I saw on a late night talk show, talking about how, when she was growing as a teen, her classmates made fun of how she looked - her legs and lips, in particular. But she grew up filled out, and made a good living on large part because a lot of people found her sexy or beautiful.

Dr. Laura says on her radio show that her parents heard from her school over and over again that she talked too much. Now she has a huge career, largely from talking.

Do you have some aspect of yourself that used to be a negative, or you thought of it as a negative, but through time or change & growth, it has become one of your best features/abilities?

Police Say Nathan Sloop Killed Ethan Stacy

If police are right, then yet again a parent has helped a stepparent murder their own child, this time in Utah. Ethan was only four years old. Associated Press Writer Paul Foy reports.

Ethan Stacy's stepfather, Nathan Sloop was being charged with aggravated homicide, Layton police said Tuesday. In addition, Sloop and the boy's mother, Stephanie Sloop, will be charged with felony child abuse, obstruction of justice and desecration of a corpse, police said.

Desecration of a corpse? What did she do?

The couple was married only 10 days ago, when Ethan arrived in Utah to spend the summer with his mother, police said.

Why did she agree to take him for the summer if she wasn't prepared to lovingly take care of him and protect him?

His biological father is in Virginia. His name was not released by police.

If that guy did nothing else wrong, he picked the wrong woman to knock up.

Utah State Courts records show Nathan Sloop ran afoul of the law more than once from 2000 to 2003, with convictions on charges including criminal mischief, disorderly conduct and drug possession.

In 2003, he served 30 days in jail for one drug possession charge and received a six-month suspended sentence for another.

No criminal history was found for Stephanie Sloop, and records show no criminal activity for Nathan Sloop after 2003.

Okay, it would be possible to chalk up Nathan Sloop's problems seven years ago to youthful stupidity. My hunch, tough, is that he never really changed and simply hadn't been caught lately.
How much coverage will Nancy Grace give this one?

Chances of this sort of thing happening go way up when another, unrelated adult is brought into the home. However, if the mother actively participated in the murder, then the boy was in enough danger just being around her.

Stehanie, you might have thought you were going to have new freedom with your new man. But now you could both end up in prison.

Cosmo Advice on Keeping Him Interested

Yahoo distributes a lot of content for magazines like Cosmo. This is often a way for me to get a look at what women are being told by media directed at them and not men. Sometimes it is good for a chuckle, sometimes not. This article by Bethany Heitman promises to tell dating women "5 Risky Moves to Keep Him Interested in You".

You have an amazing guy in your life, so your instinct may be to stay in your comfort zone and not do anything to mess things up. But in order to evolve and build a sturdier connection, you really have to take some risks -- even if it's nerve-wracking.

Personal relationships inherently involve the risk of vulnerability.

"Making certain bold calls keeps your relationship moving and allows you both to reveal your true colors," says relationship therapist Jennifer Oikle, PhD. "When you are willing to do that, you forge a stronger, tighter bond, and you keep things interesting."

Being yourself is the only way to have true intimacy – along with keeping confidences.

Okay... here we go...

#1. Cut Back Your Calls to Him

Uh, how does that get anyone closer? Yes, if you're calling too much, you need to cut back your calls. I had one girlfriend who would want to talk on the phone before we fell asleep, then wanted a call the first thing the next morning. There was literally nothing to talk about, and then she'd accuse me of holding back.

"Checking in frequently with your female friends brings you closer, but paradoxically, it can drive a guy away," says psychotherapist Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of "What Smart Couples Know."

So, if you tend to do that with guys, their advice really isn't to be yourself... it is to change. At least enough to get the relationship to where you want it to be. Then you can revert back to being annoying.

That's because men use the phone only when they need to get or give information. If you're calling to say hi and start a conversation about the minutia of your life, he may jump to the conclusion that you're being needy.

That is why you have girlfriends.

#2. Disagree With Him

Never disagree just as a test. It is a stupid little game and if a man figures it out, your toast.

But stating your opinion when you don't see eye-to-eye on something substantial -- like politics or moral issues -- makes for a healthier relationship.

Yes, by all means figure out where your differences are on important life matters. It might end the relationship, but that could be for the better.

"Men connect through verbal bantering and are attracted to women who challenge them," says Oikle. "They respect a girl more if she can keep pace and get his competitive side riled up."

I don’t know – some people like to fight and have drama with their spouse. Not me.

When something comes up that you don't agree on, let him know your views and why, then give him the opportunity to explain his position.

Yup. However, if a guy is just looking for sex, the less he reveals in this area the better.

#3. Do Your Own Thing... and Don't Invite Him

Yes, and don't give him grief for doing the same thing, planning things for him to do alone or with buddies.

#4. Confront Him With Relationship Issues

If he's just looking for sex, and you ask "Where is this relationship going?" the answer is "To end."

So sometimes a woman will avoid telling a dude when something he's done has hurt or confused her. But keeping quiet doesn't work in the long run, says Covalt. Eventually, you'll build resentment, those tiny love problems will balloon into bigger ones, and you're liable to have a huge blowout that totally wigs him out.

Yup. If you say "NOTHING!!!" when he asks, "What's wrong?" He should say, "Great! So buck up and let's have a great time." You'll tell him eventually. Why should he labor over it?

#5. Show Your Love

Of course.

Okay, here's my advice for keeping him interested. If you want to keep your husband interested, flirt and tease and then deliver. No kids in the house? Strip. Walk around naked. Either way, keep the lovemaking playful, plentiful and try different things. Don't butcher your hair and do stay in good shape.

If you're not married yet, then keep showing him that you're the kind of woman who is going to be a good wife.

The article continued with things women shouldn't do.

Following the old rule that whatever is his is also yours -- making it totally okay to invade what he considers private.

I had a girlfriend who literally "cleaned" my apartment without warning while I was at work- everywhere. She went through everything. Not good. She had OCD, though I didn't know it back then. Until you are married, it isn't "ours". There's his and there is yours.

Putting his loyalty to the test. Hey, his mom is heinous, so you tell him it's you or her.

You should be able to tell his loyalty by his ongoing actions.

Giving his best friend a kiss -- a real one.

Well duh.

Doing a background check on him.

I have no problem with mutual background checks before an impending marriage.

Introducing him to friends as your future husband.

Only if you are engaged. Otherwise, it is a bad thing to do.

Song of Cinemax

Jon Weinbach was published in the Los Angeles Times, writing about the proliferation of "soft-core pornography" on cable television. He specifically addresses what is found on premium channels and their on-demand channels.

With much harder stuff free on demand online, I paused to wonder why “soft” stuff is so important to the cable business.

I think this quote from the founder of a producer of “soft erotics” explains a lot of it:

"You're more likely to get your wife to watch my show - it's not so in-your-face,"

Yup. I never had pay TV before I married. My wife grew up with cable and subscribed as an adult, and we continue to subscribe, but not to the premium channels. My wife, who was virgin when we married and had also maintained boundaries well beyond intercourse, confessed that before we married she had taped some of this soft-core stuff during free preview weekends, during which one or more premium channels would be temporarily viewable for free. She apparently erased the tape, however. The principle, though, is like how the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue will make it into homes that would not welcome Playboy.

The article goes on to say that skin and depicted sex is also making its way to series that aren't presented as "erotics".

At the same time, premium channels have been upping the skin factor on their higher-profile, higher-brow series. Shows such as HBO's "True Blood," which debuts its third season next month, and Showtime's "The Tudors" and "Diary of a Call Girl" all showcase fairly graphic sex scenes that are often as explicit as what you would see in an R-rated movie in theaters.

The question again is – why? I think that is somewhat addressed...

Ironically, the proliferation of hard-core porn in recent years seems to have made the softer stuff more appealing - or at least more palatable - to a wider audience, particularly among women, according to industry observers. While women who are now in their 20s and 30s have grown up in an era when adult entertainment has become increasingly mainstream and sex tapes helped launch the careers of celebrities such as Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, many of them are still uncomfortable watching all-out porn, even if it's in the company of a partner.

With the "mainstream" series, some of it may boil down to a series having the sex/nudity garnering more viewers than a similar series that doesn’t have it. The article describes more about what the difference is between the hard stuff and the soft stuff.

In contrast to hard-core pornography, which depicts full male nudity and actual sex, soft-core sex is more simulated than real, and the films usually attempt to have coherent storylines and dialogue. Many of the soft-core TV series also center around a female character, such as the madam in "Beverly Hills Bordello," a longtime cable-TV staple, or the pair of sisters - one a recent college graduate, the other an erotic model - who are the leads in "Life on Top," a Cinemax series that debuted last year. But while soft-core content may be less graphic than a Jenna Jameson film, it does not aspire to high art.

Ever the writer, I don’t find bad writing appealing, even with sexy women doing sexy things. But that’s me.

All of the premium channels will air films that are rated X by the Motion Picture Assn. of America, but they also adhere to certain self-imposed guidelines when it comes to sexy material.

I thought NC-17 replaced X?

In general, cable channels won't show full male frontal nudity or extended close-up shots of female private parts.

For now.

I know entertainment producers like to say that nudity and sex are necessary to tell a realistic story. That's  the gist of what "Zane" says. A female African American author from the D.C. area, she wrote a series of “erotic” short stories that has been turned into a series on cable, with which she is also involved.

Across all platforms, the series, which follows the romantic adventures of a group of professional women, attracts about 1.4 million viewers per episode, according to the network, which has nearly 12 million subscribers. "I don't think that sexuality should be separated from the rest of life — it can be fun, it can be painful, it can be kinky and it can be entertaining in a tasteful way."

Is the stuff eye-catching if channel surfing? Sure. I would guess, however, that most married people have a lot of other things they could be doing to stimulate each other rather than watching this stuff. And unmarried people who don't have qualms about sex outside of marriage could do a lot "better".

Married or not – what do you think about this stuff and why? Have you watched any of it? Like I said... although I find the female form extremely attractive, I'm more likely to find a well-written story on paper more appealing than a ridiculous barely-there story on the screen – whether or not I should be subjecting myself to either. Solomon gave us plenty. Think you'll ever find a copy of it under your son's bed? Speaking of the kids... this stuff is one reason why it is a good idea to keep screens out of their rooms (but what are you going to do about smart phones?) and to use parental controls/filters.

Angry and Infected

OUTRAGED IN MISSOURI wrote in to Dear Abby:

I recently got genital herpes.

Congratulations.

I am very depressed over it and am experiencing a lot of difficulties, not to mention the expense.

Warn others.

The man I caught the virus from, "Jack," claims he didn't know he had herpes.

Maybe he didn't.

I don't know what to believe, except that I should be compensated.

Why? Where is there an expectation that someone to whom you're not married is free of sexually transmitted diseases/infections? Aren't STIs an inherent risk of fornication?

My life has been destroyed.

Destroyed? Really? But all of those folks in the Big Pharmaceutical ads for herpes meds look so happy. And look at Jack - he was still able to find someone with whom to have sex.

I hate the fact that this happened and, to top it off, Jack has changed his phone number!

Now we see what's really irking her.

Is this a criminal act?

Dumping you? No. Unknowingly infecting someone through consensual behavior? No. Knowingly and intentionally infecting someone else after denying you are a carrier of an STD can be a crime, and can be subject to a successful lawsuit.

Should I take action?

Yes - follow your doctor's advice. And if you're so concerned about STIs, insist on mutual testing with your potential sex partners before you do the dance. I think any couple planning to get married should do that, along with a lot of other fact-finding.

Dear Abby responded:

Please do not allow having herpes to define who you are. Your life has not been "destroyed." You contracted a virus, as millions of other Americans have.

Everyone is doing it.

There are support groups for people who have herpes -- just Google "herpes support groups-USA" and you'll find groups galore.

A dating group I could see. But a support group?

She advises against a lawsuit.

As far as I know, I never got anything from all of my bad behavior. I'm very fortunate to have avoided getting something, as I was mostly relying on the word of my partners.

The surest way to avoid STIs is to not have sex. The next surest way is to only have sex with someone who has never had sex with anyone else.

Deep Voiced Guys Preferred by Women With High-Pitched Voices

Charles Q. Choi reports that a study published in the journal Behavioral Ecology indicates...

Women with high-pitched voices apparently prefer deep-voiced, manly men, according to new research that sheds light on the rules of attraction.

I have a deep voice, and I know it is one of my more attractive attributes. I have had people of both sexes tell me I should be in radio and refer positively to how my voice carries over the phone, in a room, or wherever. My height is average. My face, I've always considered plain, with my eyes being the best attribute there. "Bedroom eyes" I have heard them called. Even when I am in my best shape, I consider my overall appearance to be average. In fact, my height is average. Besides my voice, my other readily apparent attractive attribute is my full head of thick hair. I like that... on top of my head. I don't like it everywhere else. Male models/stars these days all seem to remove all of their chest hair, after all. My wife seems happy enough. I wanted to write about a something else about my body here, but it probably falls under "Too Much Information".

As the article points out, though, it is a matter of more than just choosing a romantic partner.

"People obviously prefer to marry and date people they consider attractive, but also are more likely to cooperate with attractive individuals, prefer to hire attractive people and even prefer to vote for those they think are attractive," said psychologist Benedict Jones at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland.

Attractive people have an advantage. That's just the reality of life.

Intriguingly, past research has shown that women with high-pitched voices are not only thought of as sounding more attractive but often have faces others consider more attractive as well. Further studies revealed these voices in women are often linked with higher estrogen levels, perhaps serving as a cue to their health and fertility.

Interesting. When I hear a woman with a very high voice, I wonder what trauma happened to her when she was 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 years old (or whatever age it sounds likes). That's thanks to Dr. Drew Pinsky, who can listen to a caller's voice and correctly guess when some bad event happened in her life.

Writing this has reminded me that I need to flirt more with my wife, especially when we're apart, using the pitch of my voice. You might want to think about how you can use your voice to soothe/flirt with your spouse.

USA is Lousy - Increase Taxes and Regulations

You may have heard in the news that the USA isn't all that great a place for mothers, because an organization - that depends significantly on government grants and contracts – has said so. Don't believe it.

Please keep in mind as you read this that I am fond of mothers. Half of my ancestors were mothers. I was born from a mother. I was nursed by a mother (probably explains a few things about me). I'm married to a mother. I provide full financial support for one mother directly, and some financial support for other mothers through my taxes.

Okay, with that – on with the article.

The United States has scored poorly on a campaign group's list of the best countries in which to be a mother, managing only 28th place, and bettered by many smaller and poorer countries.

It is funny how all of these studies and lists say how lousy life is in the USA, and yet people die trying to get here, and scream hysterically when anyone suggests that they should not be able to stay here illegally. Things are so bad for mothers here that pregnant women will come here just to give birth.

Norway topped the latest Save the Children "Mothers Index", followed by a string of other developed nations, while Afghanistan came in at the bottom of the table, below several African states.

Does anyone compile a Fathers Index?

One factor that dragged the US ranking down was its maternal mortality rate, which at one in 4,800 is one of the highest in the developed world, said the report.

How many of those were illegal aliens? How many never sought prenatal care?

It also scored poorly on under-five mortality, its rate of eight per 1,000 births putting it on a par with Slovakia and Montenegro.

Our infant/young child mortality rates take into account stillbirths, premature births, birth day deaths, and prenatal murder that a lot of other countries don't take into account in their stats. Ann Coulter, no matter what you think of her, aptly exposed the flaws in the infant mortality stats. And what about abortion? How many abortions are there in Finland and Sweden? I suspect that like to the infant mortality rate, some mothers in other countries aren't counted as mothers in death stats.

Only 61 percent of children were enrolled in preschool, which on this indicator made it the seventh-lowest country in the developed world, it said.

Ah. So warehousing the kids in a day orphanage is supposed to be a positive thing? Maybe, if it gets them away from lousy parents. Look, I went to preschool for two years. It was playtime. I could have learned more at home, and had more options for playing.

And it added: "The United States has the least generous maternity leave policy -- both in terms of duration and percent of wages paid -- of any wealthy nation."

The terms of maternity leave should be between an employer and an employee. Pregnancy is almost always a choice in this country. Whenever we can avoid it, we should not force one person to pay for the choices of another.

Norway headed the list of developed countries at the top of the list of best places to be a mother, followed by Australia, Iceland, Sweden, Denmark, New Zealand, Finland, the Netherlands, Belgium and Germany.

At the bottom was Afghanistan, followed by Niger, Chad, Guinea-Bissau, Yemen, Democratic Republic of Congo, Mali, Sudan, Eritrea and Equatorial Guinea.

Yeah, it is all good in Iceland until the volcano erupts. And the fake swan you're wearing as a dress falls apart.

"The shortage of skilled birth attendants and challenges in accessing birth control means that women in countries at the bottom of the list face the most pregnancies and the most risky birth situations, resulting in newborn and maternal deaths," [Save the Children’s Mary Beth Powers] added.

Some women in developed countries CHOOSE to give birth without skilled birth attendants, believe it or not. I've done seen it on cablefied television.

Save the Children compiled the index after analyzing a range of factors affecting the health and well-being of women and children, including access to health care, education and economic opportunities.

I wonder if "economic opportunities" includes being able to make and keep more of your own money? There is plenty of access to health care here, and education.

The report recommended more funding for women's and girls' education

Wouldn't that be sexist discrimination? Oh, and women outnumber men in colleges in the USA.

and better access to maternal and child health care, particularly in the developing world.

Translation: US citizens should be forced to pay more to the federal government, which will then transfer the funds to… Save the Children… and the UN or some other messed up agency out of our control. A better way, though, would be more voluntary, private charitable efforts, which could include donations to Save the Children.

Check out Righthinker for more on this.

Look, whatever good Save the Children does, I applaud. And I believe mothers should be honored, and we should personally support motherhood, and good parenting. However, I resent it when misleading reports are used to malign the USA, especially when the agenda is to push for larger, more centralized government and the work of private programs is ignored. Men (and women for that matter) who have opted not to become parents should not be forced to pay even more in taxes to women who have chosen to become parents. I say this as a parent myself, and someone who supports private charity. Actually, parents should only be legally obligated to support their own children and spouses, not the spouses and children of others.

To me, it is bad to pressure married mothers of minor children whose husbands can and do financially support the family to take on a career. It is bad to take more of a mother's income (via her husband's payroll taxes or otherwise) in higher taxation. It is bad to interfere or undermine a mother's authority over her own children. How about an index that takes those things into account?

Mothers of America, don't let these reports discourage you. You can raise healthy, educated children in the USA. In the USA, we can choose which religious organizations, if any, with whom we will associate. Mothers have much more liberty than a lot of other countries.

Slight Blog Format Update

I've added "Featured Postings" in the column on the right. These are some of my better postings with lasting relevance or that eplain why I write about what I do, how I do.

Most of them have to do with sex. Hmm. I guess my wife and I need to spend some more private time together. But then I already wrote about that.

She Didn't Ask to Be Born

Distressed, Disowned and Dumbfounded Daughter in the Northeast wrote in to Dear Margo:

At the age of 40, I've been disowned by my father and his wife of 10 years.

That can happen. Especially with a new wife in the picture. Sometimes, the new wife makes everything better, but sometimes, she makes it a whole lot worse.

I ran a successful business, which I sold recently and made a lot of money.

Good for you! Congratulations. People like you make the world go 'round.

My father called to ask that I pay him a sum of money so that he and his wife can retire shortly - odd, being that he is a prominent attorney and well off.

Do you really know his finances? Maybe he appears to be well-off because he buys things he can't afford. If he buys them on credit, it makes it worse.

My father and his wife travel extensively, make extravagant purchases and are always adding on to their home.

That all takes a lot of money.

I was shocked to be asked for money and said no.

My father said that I am disowned, and I am hurt beyond belief. He said "I owe him" for a wonderful childhood, plus the best university money could buy.

You didn't ask to be born. It isn't just something teenagers say – it is the truth. He made a choice or several that led to your birth, and so providing for you during your childhood was his obligation. As far as the university, unless he indicated at the time that it was a loan, then you don't own him.

(Never mind that my father and my mother fought constantly.)

Your father is thinking materially, most likely – not of emotional quality.

Do I owe them for all those childhood expenses?

No. Now, I do believe we should honor our parents. But honoring them does not usually mean paying their bills, especially when they are capable adults. Buying lavish gifts for them would be a nice thing to do, as long as it doesn't enable bad decisions on their part.

Margo calls the request "nuts".

Since I was in elementary school, teachers and media directed at kids have been scaring the heck out of us telling us that our parents were going to live a long time in dependent states and we were going to have to pay a lot of money to take care of them. In some cases, that will be true. But that's not what is going on here.

I can relate to this woman. My in-laws are nice enough people. They insist on having everyone over for family dinners, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with genuine love of family. But some of it has to do with the fact that they are underwater and, although heading towards retirement age, are going to be worse than broke. It was that way before the recent economic crash. And they are counting on their children to come to the rescue.

Now, here's the interesting thing. They have five children together. One is broke, unemployed, and living with them again. Two are currently out and on their own, but spend everything they make. The other two are married daughters – my wife and her sister. Neither daughter earns income. This means that my in-laws are counting on their two sons-in-law... one of whom is me. Thankfully, my wife says "no way" and my sister-in-law is one of those people who insists on being a miserable martyr and caretaker. So it looks like my wife's brother-in-law will be on the hook. I hope he doesn't divorce my sister-in-law (for other reasons too, of course).

My in-laws are not generally stupid people. They are simply careless when it comes to money. He's a highly intelligent ivy league-trained M.D. who retired early because malpractice insurance was making it a net loss when he went into work. Hey, not to worry – he went into real estate. And he can teach math, since he was a math major, and he's really good at photography and very sociable. So he should be able to make money. Mother-in-law is working a well-paying job. But any money they make, they spend right away.

They have a nice house in a middle class area of Orange County, California. It has four large bedrooms, a rec room, a pool with a hot tub, and it was bought outright for them as a gift. They have borrowed against the house as much as possible. They also got a seven figure inheritance. They spent it all quickly. They vacation a lot and drink like fish. They have a new big screen TV.

Meanwhile, my wife and I don’t travel a lot. We've never owned a big screen TV. We don't drink (well, I drink very rarely). My wife, like me, has been very good about money and worked hard for it, and lived within her means – it is one of the reasons I married her.

We're not going to rescue anyone. We have our own kids to raise and our own retirements for which to plan. That is the way it works. Parents give to children. In some cases, children take parents in, but that should be more out of convenience (someone to help with the kids) or because the parent needs physical help. But generally, everyone needs to plan for their own future.

Furthermore, in general, parents should not be covering the bills of their adult children, with the exception of some college expenses if it is an immediate continuation from high school, and, if everyone is being traditional, certain wedding expenses.

By the way, I don't count on getting a dime in inheritance from my mother, my father, or anyone else – not because I expect them to be destitute, but because I don't plan my life around what I hope other people do with their money.

What do you have to say about all of this?

Well, there you have it. A finances message. Who wants me to get back to writing about sex?