You're On the Same Team

Be The Groom wrote about how to fight fair. I love tips like this.

1. Stick to the issue. If the problem is a certain behavior, attitude, hobby, etc, make that the issue of the discussion. Don't bring in every kind of ammo you can think of to whittle her down.

Sandbagging is not good. Although, it is easier for men to keep things distinct than women. That is one reason a man can have a crappy day at work and come home and make passionate love to his wife, while it is more likely that a woman who has had a rough day on the job is not going to feel like getting all lovey. Sometimes, her hubby can change her mind with a massage.

2. Try to work out a solution.

Yes. Whining and complaining and fighting that goes nowhere is destructive.

5. Determine to be on the same page and stand together. Don't let this stuff divide you.

My wife has brought into our marriage hand-holding during disagreements to foster that kind of thinking.

7. Take responsibility for your part and give the benefit of the doubt to your spouse.

Definitely. One of the red flags I saw in a past relationship was always assuming that other people had bad motives. I knew she would think the same thing about me if we married.

Read the rest and his explanations.

Study Cited as Proof Women Are More Generous

You may have heard or read recently that a study shows that women give significant more to charity than men. Here's the story as written by Associated Press writer Donna Gordon Blankinship.

The study offered several factors the researchers thought contributed to the growing generosity of women: More women are working and their incomes have grown, more have college degrees that yield greater earning power, and the percentage of women who make more money than their working husbands is now about 26 percent.

The study released Thursday found women give more in every income bracket except one: Those with incomes of between $23,509 and $43,500.

I'm always interested in the specifics.

The data used for the study was not broken down by gender, so researchers looked solely at households headed by single men or single women, including adults who have been divorced, widowed or never married. They looked at the donating patterns of about 8,000 American households.

So we're talking about singles. How good are single women, especially ones under 40, with their money? Are they willing to add to their debt by giving to charity because they expect a man to come along and pay off that debt? Who is paying for the dates these women are going on? How much would they be giving away if they paid equally for dates?

Previous research has shown that women encourage their husbands to give to charity and that women seem to be making a lot of charitable decisions in married households, but it's difficult to get hard data on those trends.

The fact is, women make most of the spending decisions in marriages. Women do most of the shopping, after all. This is why most ads target women and why ad-supported media usually caters to the sensititivities of women. Frankly, I'm glad my wife handles most of the shopping. She's very good at saving us money, and most stores other than media stores bore me.

Never married and divorced women were more likely to give, and to give more money than males of the same marital status, but widowers gave more money to charity than widows.

This could be because the never married women are counting on a knight to rescue them financially; I'd like to see the stats on divorced women linked to how much alimony they get. Widowers might be expecting that they don't need as much money to live on now that they're not supporting a wife.

Women probably are more generous. But just think about all of the "charity" men are "donating" to through taxes that pay for things the government shouldn't be doing – things that should be a matter of private, voluntary charity.

Halloween

I’m somewhat familiar with the history of Halloween, Samhain, All Saints Day, and All Saints Eve. I'm a Christian. I don't believe there is anything special, spiritually, about October 31 as opposed to any other day.

I don't see costume-wearing as a way to honor or confuse evil spirits. I see it as a chance to be creative. Trick-or-treating can be a way to get kids away from the games and television and meet the neighbors, things that lacking these days.

Growing up, I enjoyed choosing something to "be" for the day/evening, usually something that was homemade – and I liked trick-or-treating. (Pranks or any kind of vandalism were never a part of it.) As I got older, I enjoyed expressing myself by applying gory special effects makeup to myself and setting up a lightly scary scene with a theme inside the front of my family's house so I could entertain the trick-or-treaters as I passed out candy.

I've also enjoyed "haunts" of various sorts – commercial scare mazes or homemade front-yard eerie displays, things of that sort, and participated in a couple over the years.

I don't see modern-day Halloween as some sort of plot to instill Satanism or Wicca in our kids. It certainly has become massively commercialized and having the kids pig out on candy can be questionable given the obesity rates among Amerians these days, but the problem isn't October 31 – it is what the kids are eating and doing most of the 364 other days of the year.

I do believe, as a Christian parent, it is my responsibility to teach my kids to discern good from evil, wasteful folly from light-hearted recreation, etc.

I think "Hell Houses" can be a good idea if done right. Really, they aren't new. Martyr plays from long ago used gory stuff to spread the message. Way too often, Christian attempts to be "hip" are all too hokey or otherwise lacking in execution, so I want a Hell House to be done right.

I actually do believe that demons, including Satan, exist. I believe angels exist, and demons are simply fallen angels. I think people assign blame to demons that quite often belongs on themselves, or they think of demons doing things or having powers that they likely don't. Someone doesn't become demon possessed because they wore a mask on October 31. They may become demon possessed if they engage in occultic practices and aren't indwelt by the Holy Spirit (as all Christians are).

The biggest issue with Halloween these days, by far, is immodesty. Females of all ages fulfill the role of attention whores by dressing to call attention to their sexuality and certain parts of their bodies. They can be slutty and trashy with a supposed "free pass" because – it's Halloween! (Kind of like how cheating on vacation doesn’t count.) And being what we are, we guys are reluctant to object - unless it means our intended or wife is getting leers from other men, or our daughters are letting it all hang out.

Concerned (conservative) mother Rebecca Hagelin had a column about this.

Princesses look different these days. The pre-teen and teenage girls who show up are likely to be wearing trampy costumes that say “s-e-x,” rather than “trick or treat.” We all know that girls are being sexualized by the culture at younger and younger ages in their daily wear. But Halloween costumes have taken things to a new low, making our little girls into sex objects even midst what is supposed to be an evening of childhood fun. The sad reality is that we live in a pop culture that is obsessed with trying to make our boys and girls think about sex all the time.

The boys are going to think about it all of the time anyway, if they are anywhere near puberty. But if they are, they should be thinking about the unobtainable models and starlets of the day, not pre- or barely-pubescent girls who live nearby.

The "top costumes" for tween girls on one popular costume website showed a slew of vampy options, including the highly offensive "teen girls prisoner costume" as seen on a young model wearing thigh-high boots and 6 inch heels, and showing lots of flesh under her prison-striped mini-dress.

Do you have plans for Halloween? Or if you are reading this afterwards, what did you do? Have you been bothered by the trend of slutty costumes, especially for young girls?

Her Name Was Signe

Joseph Sern of the Los Angeles Times tells us who the mummified car passenger was. Her name was Signe Margit, age 59.

Family members told detectives that Margit held two master's degrees. In 2001, she was issued a pre-intern teaching certificate for cross-cultural, language and academic development emphasis in California, according to records.

The certificate allowed her in-class teaching experience with children who had emotional problems and mild to moderate learning disabilities. During some of this time, she worked with special education students at Audubon Middle School in the Los Angeles Unified School District.

Over the next decade, records show her living in a dozen cities throughout California, Texas and Washington. During this period, she filed for bankruptcy and appeared to have recurring money troubles. At one point, she reported in court records that she owned a 1999 Toyota Corolla, some clothing, $50 worth of jewelry and not much else.

I believe that every human being has inherent worth, and I believe that the bodies we leave behind should be handled in a dignified manner. My prayers are with those who loved Margit. While they had no doubt hoped she was still alive, at least they're starting to get answers now.

Let It Go, or Nip it in the Bud?

Married Man Sex Life brought up what he calls the "Second Date Rule". It applies to what you should do if your wife does something that is bad or is something you dislike.

If what she just did happened on the second date, would there have been a third date? If the answer is "no", it's probably best to say something about it and not just suck it up for the rest of your marriage. The behavior will likely continue without it being addressed.

My father had what he called the "second wife" rule. He saw all of these guys putting up with things in their second marriages that they wouldn't have - or didn't – put up with in their first marriage. So when my mother did something he didn't like, he'd ask himself, "If this was my second marriage, would I let this slide?"

Of course, he left my mother (or she threw him out, depending on who you ask) and claims to have "blocked out" much of his memory of that marriage and is now married to his second (and hopefully last) wife. So I guess the "second wife" rule may not work. But the "second date" rule just might.

This is one of my big problems, and I seem to have inherited it from my father. I tell myself, "I'm okay", and maybe I am. My first reaction to my wife doing something I don't like is "Can I fix this in my head?" Or, even when my wife (and it happened with girlfriends, too) asks, "It that okay?" my first reaction is to say "Yes" when I should think about it more.

The problem comes in when whatever the bad/annoying/inconvenient/dislikable/tedious/uncomfortable thing isn't a one-time thing, and happens many more times, even regularly, or turns out to be part of a larger pattern. Perhaps "I'm okay" has turned into "I can live with this" – but I really can't. The longer it goes or the more it happens, the more frustration or resentment or discomfort will build up until it explodes, surprising the other person who thought I could handle it. This kind of thing contributed to the demise of my parents' marriage because that is what my dad did, and my mother couldn't figure out why he "suddenly" had a problem with X, Y, or Z. So she chalked it up to him simply not wanting to be married anymore and looked at his legitimate issues as excuses to cover a determination to divorce.

So, a rule I have tried to use has been "Even if I can handle this for now this one time, could I handle it if it happens again? How about if it happens many "agains"? When I manage to do this, I might tell my wife, "That's okay this time, but I don't want this to become a habit."

I don't think there's a major gripe I have with my wife that I haven't covered in this blog. I think I've brought them all up, in varying levels of detail. And while I will not minimize the problems we do have, overall, things are good. We don't fight much. I enjoy coming home to her. I trust her. She's my partner and ally, not a competitor or saboteur. Of course, we would have more fights if I brought up everything I've griped about on this blog. Maybe I should bring up more of those things and endure some friction now instead of an explosion later.

Do you have a "rule" that helps in deciding what's worth bringing up?

It Is Good For You

Married Man Sex Life quoted from Scientific American:

"...semen has a very complicated chemical profile, containing over 50 different compounds (including hormones, neurotransmitters, endorphins and immunosupressants) each with a special function and occurring in different concentrations within the seminal plasma. Perhaps the most striking of these compounds is the bundle of mood-enhancing chemicals in semen. There is good in this goo. Such anxiolytic chemicals include, but are by no means limited to, cortisol (known to increase affection), estrone (which elevates mood), prolactin (a natural antidepressant), oxytocin (also elevates mood), thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent) and even serotonin (perhaps the most well-known antidepressant neurotransmitter)."

See - it's good for you. I also remember reading something about semen (obviously, without being tainted by HPV) being associated with lower instances of uterine cancer.

So what happens if women have sex, but don't get semen into their vagina? Exactly what you'd expect...

"The most significant findings from this 2002 study, published with criminally modest fanfare in the Archives of Sexual Behavior , were these: even after adjusting for frequency of sexual intercourse, women who engaged in sex and “never” used condoms showed significantly fewer depressive symptoms than did those who “usually” or “always” used condoms. Importantly, these chronically condomless, sexually active women also evidenced fewer depressive symptoms than did those who abstained from sex altogether. By contrast, sexually active women, even really promiscuous ones, who used condoms were just as depressed as those practicing total abstinence. In other words, it’s not just that women who are having sex are simply happier, but instead happiness appears to be a function of the ambient seminal fluid pulsing through one’s veins."

As I always do, I have to throw in the possibility that it might not be that a lack of semen leads to depression; rather, it might be that depression leads to a lack of sex or to using condoms while having sex. Nah, that can't be it. Let's go with the "semen is good for you" thing.

I also wonder aloud again if a common consequence of a husband getting a vasectomy is the wife getting depressed.

Sperm is only one ingredient in semen.

There is also a moderate amount of testosterone in semen and that will help trigger her sex drive as well.

Good point.

If you can sell that experiment idea to your wife, anti-depressants take about a month to fully kick in so I'd suggest at least a month long attempt at trying this together…Afterwards she should take a couple of minutes to soak it in rather than jumping straight up and looking for a wash cloth to wipe it off. The vagina is actually a pretty good place for absorbing medication.

I like this suggestion.

I wonder if there is a difference between the semen being delivered to her body vaginally or orally - as far as the good substances getting into her system? My wife enjoys the vaginal delivery. By that I’m not just talking about avoiding taking it orally or on the skin, but actually liking to have me ejaculate inside her vagina. I’m happy to see it does some good for her.

An Old Profession Meets Modern China

For all the Western men who are looking to Asia for a woman, check out this feature article from the Los Angeles Times on prostitution in China. Looks like the women in China are catching up to Western women. Megan K. Stack reports on college girls who are essentially call girls.

The girls from the drama academy cost the most. Actresses are pretty, after all, and pretty is the point. Steady access to their sexual favors could cost a man more than $25,000 a year, not to mention the perks and gifts they would expect.

This is a good deal for a man who is just looking for sex, in comparison to marriage. At least, it is if he is earning, say, $60,000 a year or more. Because as the sole income earner, in many places in America, a man would be paying a wife $30,000 a year if he was earning $60,000. At least, by law. Practically, wives make most of the spending decisions.

The gentleman on a budget had better browse through students at the tourism institute, or perhaps the business school. Women there can be had for as low as $5,000 a year.

I wonder if Leykis 101-style game works in places like China? Because here, a man can spend very little by following certain rules. Getting a new woman to have sex with should cost no more than $120 (3 dates x $40 limit), and then not long after that she should be fine with him coming over to her place with a cheap bottle of wine, if that. (This is not all women, just the kind of women 101 students go after.)

The article cites a pimp:

He is nonchalant about the work, even vaguely proud. He insists that he is doing a service to the men who don't want to hire streetwalkers, and to his middle-class, ambitious and frostily pragmatic college friends.

"Most of the girls are financially comfortable, but they see their classmates carrying Louis Vuitton or Gucci bags, and they're jealous," he said on the phone from Shanghai. "These girls want to have better lives."

Ah, materialism and envy.

Just a few decades back, premarital sex was looked down upon by respectable families. Now, some members of those families are not just having premarital sex; they're selling it.

That's "progress" for you.

But even if that's true, few women want to admit it. And, perhaps, sex and love aren't quite so simply parsed.

Yup.

She can't imagine getting married anymore, because she has lost faith in male monogamy and hates the idea of playing the role of the wife, sitting at home while her husband steps out with a young woman like her.

Isn't this typical of prostitutes and mistresses? Human nature is human nature, regardless of nationality.

In the past, some presumed prostitution existed because most women were more reluctant to have sex without a wedding ring on their finger. In a time and place (anywhere, not just China) where casual sex is plentiful, prostitution survives for four main reasons:

1. The rich, powerful, and famous can easily get sex, but some don't want hangers-on; so they're not really paying prostitutes for the sex - they are paying them to leave.

2. Some people have a fetish and have trouble finding a partner who will satisfy it (although the Internet has made this a lot easier).

3. Some men either don't know how to approach women, or haven't been finding the right women to approach and simply want a woman who will listen to them and at least pretend to admire and enjoy them – and sometimes no sex is involved.

And I suspect the biggest reason...

4. Men as a group want sex more than women as a group. This is why the vast majority of prostitution customers are male, whether gay ot straight. Supply and demand. This can include a married man whose wife is either a complete refuser or refuses to do certain things that the husband enjoys. In China, the supply and demand thing is becoming a bigger factor because of the "one child" policy and parents preferring boys, thus having their daughters slaughtered before or as they're born.

Some Best Friend

With best friends like this one, what wife needs enemies? TELL OR NOT TO TELL wrote in to Dear Abby:

I lived with my best friend and her husband for a few months after moving to a new state.

What could go wrong?

They recently went through a rough patch and she took a vacation to cool off. In her absence, and under the influence of a great deal of alcohol, her husband and I slept together.

We all know alcohol lowers inhibitions. That is why women who feel that they need and excuse to fornicate will drink, and why men will try to get them to drink. However, it is not an excuse for behavior, certainly not for this adultery.

We decided it happened only because we were drunk and decided never to speak of it again.

We'll see, now won't we?

The problem is -- it happened again, this time with almost no alcohol involved at all!

Ah-HA! I swear I didn't read ahead.

I'm reluctant to tell my friend about our trysts. I think telling her will do more harm than good. On the other hand, the guilt eats at me every day to the point that I cry over what I've done to her. Her husband doesn't want to tell her, ever. What should I do?

There was a time in which I would definitely say "Tell". But now my question is – do they have minor kids? If they do, shut up and deal with your guilt without bothering your friend (to whom you have not been much of a friend). If they don't have minor kids, tell her. She may not believe you, but at least she'll be warned and can decide whether or not to leave before making children (if she is in that age window) or counting on him to be there with her through retirement.

ALSO... never be alone with the guy again.

The kicker would be if the wife had sex on her vacation. In addition to alcohol, vacations are another way women rationalize fornication. "It doesn't count if it happens on vacation or out of the country." But if the letter writer and the wife are really best friends, the wife would have likely told the letter writer about the vacation sex or any other time she cheated on her hubby. And the writer would have mentioned that.

Copper Wire Thieves Get Lit Up

Copper wire thievery can be a dangerous crime.

A man was electrocuted and died as he and a female partner tried to steal copper wire from an electrical vault in South Gate on Saturday afternoon, police said.

The woman tried to pull him away from the vault when it caught fire and exploded, but the electricity traveled through her body and she received severe burns, South Gate police spokesman Lt. Keith Huff said. He said she was taken to St. Francis Medical Center and transferred Saturday night to the Grossman Burn Centers.

As much as I get a kick out of reading about serious criminals getting killed or injured as a direct result of their own wrongdoing, this story had an element that makes me sad.

Two small children were found in a truck 15 feet from the accident but were not injured. They were being held by childrens’ services workers, Huff said.

It is bad enough that the adults were modeling criminal behavior to these children, but imagine the psychological trauma the kids are enduring now.

Infidelity Hurts More People Than the Spouse

"Undecided" wrote in to Dear Margo:

My father cheated on my mother and acted as if he'd done nothing wrong.

Well, he did. However, have you considered the possibility that your mother broke her vows first, and you just don't know about it? Having sex with someone else is just ONE of many ways to break marital vows. It wouldn't excuse what you father did, but it might make you a bit more sympathetic.

Two decades later, he still hasn’t admitted any wrongdoing, which is typical of him.

This is ANOTHER problem, one that might be more significant than sexual fidelity.

Mom is happily remarried, and I’m basically over it. My relationship with Dad is now one of intermittent e-mail exchanges and the occasional phone call. What do you think about leaving it at that?

There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't expect him to admit to wrongdoing.

Dear Margo responded:

I'm not sure I see the problem here.

Right. She says she is fine with it, but is writing for advice, which indicates she might not be fine with it.

I'm for people doing what is comfortable.

Wow, nobody would ever exercise hard then or do hard classwork. I think she didn't mean it in that way, though. I'm for people doing what is comfortable as long as obligations and duties are being met.

As for his "admitting wrongdoing," it would be to your mother, not to you, that the apology is owed.

THIS is the reason I blogged this. I disagree. While a child is not entitled to know everything about their parents' marriage, when a parent with minor children violates their marital vows, they are not only doing wrong by their spouse. They are also doing wrong by their children and often many other people. People need to think about that more. They may be angry or resentful at their spouse, and tempted to go elsewhere and not think about the hurt to the spouse, but the kids are usually hurt, too.

As Messy As My Car Gets...

Sometimes I let trash and recyclables accumulate in my car. I'm not talking about the car filling up. I'm talking about on the floor of the passenger side. I rarely have passengers in that car.

I just can't compare to this woman, however.

A woman drove for months with a mummified body in her passenger's seat before the body was discovered by police, authorities said.

The driver of the 1997 Mercury Marquis tried to cover the decomposing corpse with pieces of clothing, but officers on Monday found it after receiving a call of an illegally parked car.

How did this start?

Investigators said the driver of the car had befriended the woman at a local park and allowed her to sleep in the car overnight. When the woman discovered the woman died while inside, she continued to drive the car with the body at her side, said Sgt. Ed Everett.

The driver told police she was afraid to contact police about the body, so she continued to drive the car.

No, you can't use the carpool lane.

A Hard One to Swallow

The headline reads "Oral Sex Linked to Rise in Men's Throat Cancer". Mainsteam news stories, especially the headlines, are often sensationalized or misleading when it comes to science news, medical news included. So you can search for the research if you want to get the facts. But I was stuck by just the idea presented by the headline.

I do not take cancer lightly, especially since it has killed loved ones and heroes of mine (who can't say that?). But hey, if I get cancer because I have enjoyed cunnlingus (a lot), then so be it. Some guys get cancer from smoking cigarettes. In this scenario, at least I would have gotten it from something that tastes much better. Susan Donadson James reports for ABC News.

But now, growing research in Europe and the United States is implicating HPV in a rising number of cases of head and neck cancers in men, and many doctors are recommending that all boys be vaccinated as well.

So the suspected problem is HPV, not cunnlingus per se.

HPV can also cause cancers of the vulva, vagina, penis and anus, and there is some evidence it is associated with esophageal and lung cancers.

Hey, but fornication is no big deal, right?

I do imagine this will be one more reason for the guys who have sworn off women entirely (and I'm not talking about gay guys) to stick to their guns... uh, so to speak.

The article becomes sort of an ad for Gardasil, which meant that it attracted all kind of comments from people concerned about vaccines and that one especially.

Is It Enough?

NOT QUITE FULFILLED wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have been dating "Nick" for more than a year.

Okay.

We have both been married before -- Nick's a widower, and I am divorced.

This is irrelevant, as you'll see.

He says he cares for me, but doesn't feel passionate about me, nor does "love" describe how he feels about me.

She wants to believe that Nick just needs some sort of magic moment to get over the death of his wife. That is why she mentioed he's a widower.

We are intimate, are great friends and spend almost every day together.

Translation: We do it. That's not necessarily the same thing as intimacy.

He treats me great, dates no one else and I can be myself around him.

He dates no one else that you know about.

But am I cheating myself by accepting the status quo?

Sure, if getting to be yourself, being treated great, and having a great friend is not enough for you.

Our intimate times aren't satisfying because of the lack of emotional ties,

Somehow I think they'd be satisfying with your favorite male celebrity crush with whom you have no emotional tie, but I understand what you're saying – you're a woman, not a man; you want there to be more meaning behind the sex.

Dear Abby hit the nail on head:

You and Nick are friends with benefits.

Yup. But then she goes on to write...

Because you have no future with him beyond what you have now, and because intimacy with him is not satisfying because of his inability (or refusal) to emotionally commit -- I'd have to say he's reaping more of the benefits.

How can you say that? You don't have his side of the story. Maybe he would like something to be different. I'd bet he's paying for everything.

If this woman was a caller to Dr. Laura, Dr. Laura would say the woman is basically giving it up for free, and encourage her to move on because the woman wants more. That can be good advice, but we also need to be realistic in that dumping or cutting off this guy does not guarantee she's going to find a better relationship. She has to be willing to be dateless rather than "settle" for a "friend with benefits".

Circling Around – Do You Go Back Again?

One of the things my wife learned along the way in something she read or some women's Bible study was that a woman should not try to go back to someone from her past unless whatever issues caused the breakup have been resolved. That makes sense.

I got to thinking about this because there has been some wild speculation between my siblings that in the wake of a recent tragedy, our dad might find himself unmarried again. I hope that isn't the case, and even if it happens, I think there's almost no way he'll end up back with our mother. It does seem that my mother still has feelings for him and they were not broken up by an affair, but other than that, there's not much that such a reunion would have going for it.

Too much has changed. Besides, my mother has let herself go somewhat, and my dad has gotten used to a wife who tries to keep her appearance up. Would her warmth and intelligence be enough to draw him back?

Have you kept up with some of your classmates or other acquaintances through Facebook? If you're in the latter half of your 30s or older, you may have noticed something. Most of the people don't look nearly as good as they did in their 20s or late teens. Some of the girls who were the objects of my crushes are looking a little… rough. I thought maybe my memories of them were flawed. But nope… I can go check the old pictures they've put online, and sure enough, they were as pretty back then as I remember today. But they sure look different now. Even my last serious girlfriend has chopped off her hair and gained weight.

This isn't to say that I haven't aged. Actually, I do tend to think my pictures are better now than the ones from high school or soon after, because I was such a nerd. Well, I am such a nerd. But back then, I really looked it. Thankfully, My First MILF gave me a makeover. But aging has made it harder form me to keep my weight down. I thought I was fat in my youth when I could pinch a couple of inches. Little did I know!

I'm sure that if I had entered into a loving marriage with these women that I would not be bothered by the aging, just as surely my wife is aging but I still think she's hot. My point is more that if I were looking for a wife now, I would likely be going for a younger woman; even more so if I was just looking for “companionship". The contrast between how these women looked back then compared to now is significant.

It is a brutal, cold fact of life that women are generally valued more for their youthful beauty than men, while men are generally valued more for their wealth, and that men can be considered highly attractive even as they age, while it is more difficult for women to age and still be considered highly attractive. These realities mean that generally, a woman's "stock" goes down as she ages, while a man's goes up. A man can attract more beautiful women as he gains more wealth, but a woman's ability to attract a man with wealth diminishes as she ages. So, from a financial standpoint, a woman is likely to get the "best" husband if she married him by the time she is 30, and from a beauty standpoint, a man is likely to get the "best" wife if he waits to marry until after he is 30. Provided he's not an old geezer, a man will be attracting his best when he's at the top of his career.

Some women object and try to deny this is true. But ask an attractive woman 25 or older if she would marry a handsome, nice man if he was working at a fast food counter and, because he was happy with his job, had no plans to leave the job. The honest answer is "no". She'll make excuses about him not having ambition or motivation, but the reality is, she wants a man who earns more, and she can get one. There are men who are wealthy who are wealthy primarily because they come from wealth, and they have no ambitions – they are happy living off of their inheritance or working in the same position the rest of their lives. And yet those guys without ambition sure do attract hot young women.

It isn't necessarily a bad thing that a woman won't marry the fast food guy. If she wants to be a "Stay at Home" mother, then she needs a husband who will be earning enough to support a family.

But I digressed. Even if past problems have been resolved, given the realities of aging, a man has more reason to avoid getting back together with a past girlfriend than a woman has to get back together with an old boyfriend. An old girlfriend is… older. An old boyfriend is likely earning more (present economy making a temporary exception).

There are two big exceptions. 1) If we're talking about just sex, then it isn't uncommon for past sexual partners to jump in the sack again, especially if they are both free. 2) Spouses who have separated or divorced may get back together because of everything they have in common and because they have so much familiarity with each other.

Have you ever gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, or ex-spouse, whether for a relationship or just sex? Even if marriages and morality weren't a factor, I can't imagine getting back together with my past girlfriends or flings, for a variety of reasons, including that a couple of them have to be way too old at this point. If I was looking for a wife, none of them would be right.

Joe Kurihara (Allegedly) Knows How to Get Smashed

So a dad leaves a wedding with his three-year-old kid, drunk or about to get drunk (the dad, not the kid). Then the kid ends up spending more than 24 hours missing as a result. This is Howard Blume's story in the Los Angeles Times.

Young Dylan Kurihara was found in his father's car, sleeping and strapped in his car seat, by Pasadena resident Rowdy Metzger, 39.

Metzger joined the search because, "he said he had some kids about the same age and needed to get out and see if he could help," said Pasadena police Cmdr. Darryl Qualls.

Good for Metzger.

Police said the boy was a little thirsty but otherwise in excellent condition and was taken for a checkup to Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena.

That's a good place to go.

The child and the car turned up at 10:40 p.m. Sunday in a parking lot under a commercial building in the 500 block of East Green Street, only two blocks away from where police arrested his father, Joe Kurihara, the night before for public intoxication and resisting arrest. At the time, officers did not know he had his child nearby. Nor did Kurihara mention it.

He later told detectives that he was so drunk that he had no memory of his child being with him.

Father of the year? He had to be drunk as a skunk. At least he strapped the kid in.

Police had searched the area already but missed the car because it was not easily visible from behind a barrier.

Note to criminals: You have a new hiding spot for your contraband. (I kid... being a cop in Pasadena is no easy task.)

Dylan Kurihara was last seen leaving a wedding party with his father, a 23-year-old West Covina resident, Saturday evening.

Witnesses, including the boy's mother, last saw the child with Kurihara at 9:30 p.m. on Saturday.

The parents, described by police as an "on-again, off-again" unmarried couple, had been attending wedding festivities at a Masonic lodge.

Young, unmarried... and highly irresponsible.

When Dylan's mother didn't hear from Kurihara for hours, she began to call police stations and hospitals. She reached Pasadena police about 8 a.m.

So the search for the boy didn’t begin until after that. Three-year-olds have personality and awareness. I can't imagine what the heck that kid was thinking strapped in there without water, without food, without seeing his parents, and without a bathroom break. Thank God the vehicle wasn't left out in the sun on a hot day.

Dogs traced the scent of the boy or his father to the Rose Bowl Aquatic Center, about two miles from the parking garage, officials said. But that turned out to be a blind lead.

Maybe the dogs wanted to go swimming.

Kurihara has two other recent arrests on record, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

Baldwin Park police arrested him at 9 p.m. last Thursday for an unspecified misdemeanor charge and released him at 4:39 a.m. The same department had arrested him on another unspecified misdemeanor charge at 7:28 a.m. on Aug. 10, releasing him about three hours later. For each offense the bail amount was set at $1,155.

Go ahead, ladies – make more babies with him.

1. Don't have kids out of wedlock. (Or, if you do, give them up for adoption.)
2. Choose wisely, then marry.
3. Treat your spouse kindly.
4. Be responsible for your children.

How much better would the world be if people followed these rules?

One of Those Calls You Don't Want

I'm probably going to take a few days off from blogging. There are plenty of recent entries to check out if you haven't done so already.

My father called me today to tell me that he and his wife were back home early from a trip out of the country. Their trip had been for a happy occasion, but the memories will be forever marred.

My father went on to explain that they came home early because his wife's firsrtborn, who is my age, had been reported missing. He was subsequently found dead with a gunshot wound that was apparently self-inflicted. The coroner isn't done. Jay, I'll call him, left a long note that expressed his depression. But I say apparently because I really don't know enough about his girlfriend (who struck me as a strange pick for him when I met her), his business dealings (not always stable), or anything else to rule out foul play. That's the corononer's job, isn't it?

I was not close to Jay; I didn't dislike him, it was just that when my dad met his mother, we were both adults who had our own lives apart from our parents.

It is not difficult to believe that he would kill himself; at one family event (the occasions I spent with him and his siblings), he opened up to one of my siblings about all of the pain (emotional, especially) he'd been through in his life. Of course, many other people would look at his life and see a darn good one, despite his parents' divorce. He was a handsome guy, far from poor, who had his health.

My dad, and more so his wife, has had to deal with a lot of deaths and other sad life events lately, but it doesn't get much worse than this. I wish there was more I could do for them.

Before I truly found my faith, an accidental death of another child during my childhood instilled in me a sense that life was short enough as it is, and fragile, and that it should not be taken for granted or thrown away. As depressed as I have ever gotten in my life, that thought has stuck with me, and I hope you and your loved ones also know that life is short enough as it is. There are people with terminal illnesses who struggle for just one more day, and none of the rest of us should take our days for granted, or throw them away.

When I gained my faith, I came to know that my life is not my own.

Furthermore, since then, I made vows to a wife and made babies who depend on me, and so I have more obligation and reason than ever to stick around as long as I can.


And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Done with life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate

-"The Pass" by Neil Peart

Passive Husband, Horrible Wife

WORRIED GRANDMA-TO-BE wrote in to Dear Abby:

Our youngest daughter, "Camille," has been married for a year. During this time my husband and I have watched Camille berate her husband, "Mike," in front of us and others.

This is the woman you raised.

When I ask her why she does it, her answer is invariably, "He does these annoying things to tick me off."

She does it because he lets her. She does it because she can. Her friends probably encourage her. It is what she sees on TV.

I can't stand how humiliating it must be for Mike.

Yeah, it has to be bad. But that's the woman he’s chosen. How does his mother treat him? How does she treat his father?

Camille's husband is quiet and passive.

Well, yeah. He could stick up for himself. Then your daughter will tell you that he’s controlling or even abusive.

Watching my daughter turn him into a wimp is heartbreaking.

He allows it. He is a wimp. And men pretty much lose all power once they get married. That's why choosing a benevolent dictator/delegater as a wife is so important. Okay, men don't lose all power, as long as they don't care about sex or money or a bunch of other things.

My biggest concern is that they are expecting their first child and, when it comes to mood swings, Camille is in rare form.

He's stuck now. He's stuck for 18-26 years.

Will this drive Mike off, leaving Camille a single mother?

She's probably lost all attraction to him and he'll be lucky to get any sex. No matter. She has her insurance policy growing inside her already.

Can you advise me in this sad situation before it is too late?

Yes. Prepare for her to leave him, taking the baby with her. Actually, she'll probably kick him out. Your grandchild will get to deal with strange men (or women?) spending the night in the home.

Dear Abby wasn't able to give much help. Nobody can, really. That poor kid.

Married people: Do not berate your spouse in front of others. Do not berate them to your family and friends behind their back. If you have a problem with something your spouse has done, talk to them about it in private, in a loving, constructive way. You might have to learn to live with whatever it is you don't like. Or, maybe they will stop doing whatever it is that irritates you.

We Enjoyed the Wedding

I previously wrote about my wife getting negative about attending a wedding for a friend of mine. As it turns out, she dropped the attitude after that one night – for the most part. That was good. It meant the rest of the week leading up to the marriage wasn’t torturous in that respect.

We attended the wedding and it was great. All went well. Our kids were with family, and we could enjoy ourselves without having to look after our kids. We don’t get to do that enough.

The woman my wife was concerned about ended up sitting almost directly behind us (with her husband). During the reception, we were sitting on different sides of the room. We never had to interact. I never even got a good look at her husband. We had a great time getting to know the people with whom we were seated.

My wife had gotten especially dolled up, clearly to rub it in the nose of the other woman that I ended up with a wife who is better-looking than her.

A Quiz For Wives

I'm getting back to the swing of things. I'll probably explain more later.

For fun and marital improvement, I have posted my quiz for wives on a new page. Go ahead and check it out. Let me know you think, whether you are a wife, a husband, or unmarried.

Armed Intruder Beaten Over Head With Golf Club

Fore!

I love stories like this.

No Apology Needed

In our latest lovemaking session, a medication my wife had taken meant that it took a looooong time for cunnilingus to bring her to orgasm. She apologized. I told her that since I love doing that, and since she makes me stop once she does orgasm, it was like apologizing for making my slice of the chocolate cake too big.

Unplanned Priority

No, I'm not talking about pregnancy.

An unplanned, time-consuming priority has popped up. This may keep me from updating this blog much until Tuesday, or will force me to keep updates brief. There's so much I want to write about... so many advice columns and news articles to look at.

AND... I've been preparing a fun quiz for you ladies who read this blog to find out just how hot a wife you really are when it comes to lovemaking, and it should help you think of ways to be even better than you already are. It will probably be good for laughs, if nothing else.

But all of that has to wait.

High School Girl Stabs Another Over a Boy

Dang it, I don't think any girls even argued over me when I was in high school.

From what I understand, this isn't a bad neighborhood, either.

Follow Up on Public Infidelity

Recently, I looked at an advice column letter in which the writer asked what to do after seeing a married man on what looked like a date with a woman who wasn’t his wife. I noted the possibility that the wife could be aware and approving.

I found an example. This “polyamory” blog discusses this very issue. Polyamory is the term used to describe a situation in which people have more than one lover with the full knowledge and approval of all involved. Okay, well I’d argue that God is involved, definitely knows, and doesn’t approve. But nobody else is forced to believe as I do.

Here is the situation. . . Lucy who is married to Rickie was out on a lunch date with her SO, Fred, when a co-worker who doesn't know about her poly lifestyle saw them together. Now seeing Lucy and Fred together wouldn't have been hard to explain except the two did a bit of hand-holding at lunch.

The question is; What do you do when you are caught out on a date with your SO by someone who knows your primary partner (spouse)?

The blogger goes on to consider the possible approaches of the observer and how to respond to those approaches. So even if we think of this as infidelity, we can't assume that the spouse who isn't present is unaware or would be upset- rather, in thise case, the spouse might be flustered that they have been "caught" as being a polyamorist.

The Past is Still Present

I was an adult for 13 years before I proposed to my wife, but mentioning anything that happened in most of that time frame is a potential minefield, because if it can be in any way connected to a girlfriend or fling (like a trip I took somewhere), my wife may shut down, making it very clear she is angry with me, or remind me how stupid I was to not stay a virgin like she did.

Virginity is big deal to her, even more than I realized before we married. She was adamant that it wasn't a problem that I wasn't a virgin, but she was in denial. She knew she wanted to be a virgin bride as long as she could remember - before she had her spiritual awakening - largely because she knew her mother had been one when she married. On the other side of the coin is her father's infidelity of many years ago. Mix these things together and push it together with my days of being a very bad boy, and you get a corrosive brew.

Although I would never say it to her, I have reason to be glad I had those experiences. Again, I'm not going to say that sex with someone other than a spouse is morally acceptable. But if I hadn't had those experiences, I would be quite bitter about the current lack of frequency, or some of the limitations my wife places on our lovemaking. Because I did have those experiences, the thought that "I'll never know what that is like unless I can pester her into changing her mind" is not there. I would be upset that I had waited all of those years, only to find out that I was going to miss out even though I married. That's not godly thinking, to be sure, but it is an honest confession about my feelings. It probably isn't godly to tell someone that things are okay and then continue to hold that sin over their heads, either.

This all came up again because we're going to a wedding this weekend. The bride has been a friend for almost a decade, and we've been looking forward to her wedding. I used to work with this friend. Someone who will be at this wedding is someone else I used to work with; a woman with whom I had a short fling. The fling was stupid on my part on many levels, including that we worked together, though in that aspect I had a written communication from her indicating that she had been the aggressor and that I had been well behaved.

There was one positive aspect to the relationship. I've noticed that about all of my relationships – that there was something positive that resulted even though the overall situation was wrong.

It was a very casual thing – so casual I didn't care when she dumped me. The fling was her way helping her to move on from a long-term dead-end relationship. She's now married, and I don't have feelings for her as I barely had them to begin with.

My wife has known all along that this woman, with whom she has never communicated, is going to be at the wedding. But yesterday, something reminded her about this reality. And the frost descended into the room. I could tell she was angry. My wife told me that I could go to the wedding by myself. It's not going to be a small wedding. We don't have to interact with this woman and her husband.

There were three things I thought about after that. 1) Is she going to be like this all week? What about after the wedding? 2) Everyone "in the know" would know exactly why my wife didn't show. They wouldn't know all of the details or the full extent, but based on past events they'd know it was because she was there. 3) I once had brunch at an exclusive restaurant with a girlfriend and some people who had invited us to the brunch. That's not unusual, but the people who invited us were my ex-fiancée, her husband, and his parents. My girlfriend was fully aware that I had had sex with my ex-fiancée. I'm sure the husband was aware of that fact, too. And yet there we were, enjoying brunch as a group, everyone having a nice time.

From an objective standpoint, my wife is much more attractive than this woman. That would be true even if the woman hadn't packed on the pounds after getting married. If we were invited to a wedding for one of my wife’s friends and an ex-boyfriend of hers was going to be there (and she crossed the line with at a couple guys, but didn’t have intercourse), and I knew I was much more attractive than him, I would show up standing tall and with a huge smile on my face and my wife on my arm. It is sad that my wife is fixating on my sin from many years ago and that it would diminish her enthusiasm for our friend's wedding to the point where she would consider not going.

What are your thoughts? Have you been through something like this? Is it therapy time?

Big New Sex Study in the News

I found out about this big new sex study thanks to David Crary of the Associated Press. I may write more about the study later, but for now I’m just going on th AP story.

The researchers said they were struck by the variety of ways in which the subjects engaged in sex - 41 different combinations of sexual acts were tallied, encompassing vaginal and anal intercourse, oral sex, and partnered masturbation.

Only 41?

Men are more likely to experience orgasm when vaginal intercourse is involved, while women are more likely to reach orgasm when they engage in variety of acts, including oral sex, said researcher Debra Herbenick, lead author of the section about women's sex lives.

Well, yeah. My own research confirms this. It makes sense, based on anatomy.

She noted there was a gap in perceptions - 85 percent of the men said their latest sexual partner had an orgasm, while only 64 percent of the women reported having an orgasm in their most recent sexual event.

Never, never fake it. That's what I've told my partners. If your man could do something different, tell him. If it just isn’t going to happen, tell him. My wife complies. But aside from my first two experience with my first partner, she's the only woman I've been with who says she doesn't need/want to orgasm every time. Part of it has to do with her disability, and part of it has to do with the fact that having an orgasm tends to keep her awake for hours afterwards. This has taken some getting used to for me, because I have always had the "she comes first" mindset, and sharing in her orgasm really turns me on.

One-third of women experienced genital pain during their most recent sex, compared to 5 percent of men, said Herbenick, citing this as an area warranting further study.

How many of them enjoy that pain?

Among adolescent boys, only about 2 percent of the 14-year-olds - but 40 percent of the 17-year-olds - said they had engaged in sexual intercourse in the past year.

This would mean that 60 percent of 17-year-old boys haven't had intercourse, even though some people would have us believe everyone is doing it by that age. Although, what other things have those 60 percent done?

"Just like then, these papers contain material that is avant garde and often considered off-limits," Goldstein wrote in a forward to the study. "At a time when we can have nudity on HBO but cannot use the names of our genitals on the evening news, there remains a need to continue research on sexual health."

This means: "Give me more research money." Seriously – has there ever been someone writing a study that falls in line with their life's work that says, "No more research into this is needed."? It would be like George Lucas saying, "Okay, I think we've done enough with 'Star Wars'."

You Signed Up For This

How's this for a Monster-in-Law? ALSO KNOWN AS ... wrote into Dear Abby:

My husband and I dated for eight years before we were married two years ago.

I'm always doubtful about such long relationships finally going into marriage. It often smacks of a desperate attempt to "redeem" a relationship that is not working, or displays a delusion that getting married will fix the lack of satisfaction.

He has a son from a previous relationship, and we have a 9-month-old son together.

How old is his son? If he is a minor, you shouldn't even have been dating your now-husband so seriously.

My problem is my mother-in-law.

Really? Did she suddenly pop into existence at the wedding?

More often than not, she calls me by my stepson's mother's name. Abby, that woman and my husband haven't been together for more than 12 years!

You indicated your acceptance to this by sticking around and marrying him.

Dear Abby responded:

Have you confronted her about it and told her how hurtful it is? If you haven't, you should.

Why? Either the MIL doesn't care, or can’t help it (dementia). Either way, confronting her won't help. I will cause even more tension. Actually, if she is doing it on purpose, the best thing to do is the smile and giggle. if she's trying to tick you off, this will rapidly cause her to stop.

Almost A Decade Later, She’s Still Right

Back in mid-2001, Angela Fiori wrote a lot of truth about modern relationships.

The real problem with contemporary male-female relationships that the Judith Regan's of the world will never understand is not so much men but the unrealistic expectations of women. Women constantly pursue male paragons of narcissism and irresponsibility with a pathological My Fair Lady fantasy of remaking them into civilized, caring, responsible men.

She goes on to write:

Only the female mind could conceive such a jaw-dropping insanity. But utterly undaunted, our female Pygmalions don blinders, marry the hunk, have one or two children with him (like Carmela), and then sometime in their mid 30s (if that early) finally give up the ghost.

Contrary to some New Age mystic feminist nonsense, women have no collective historical consciousness, otherwise they would have learned something by now. They haven’t and instead go on to, again and again, repeat the same foolishness.

Like Dr. Laura and so many others, she points out that women really have the power in relationships:

Women have always held far greater potential power in relationships than men because it is women who give the ultimate "Yes" or "No" and control the timing of every critical juncture of a developing relationship, from acceptance of a first date to the date of the wedding day. All women know this yet we have the nerve to cry, complain, and sulk when we don’t exercise this power wisely and responsibly. Sadly, it seems to be a rare exception when we exercise it in our favor.

That is exactly why being a jerk "works" to get guys more sex with less hassle.

Quiet, reliable, well-mannered, intelligent men who make a decent living (not necessarily rich, but not living at mommy and daddy’s house either) may rate only a six, seven, or eight on the hunk or excitement scale but are a much better long-run bet than the Jackie Apriles. The almost ineluctable fate of contemporary women is to fail to understand this until they’re in their mid thirties to forties, twice-divorced with children, and with half their looks gone.

The many decent, single, professional men I know who have pined away for a wife for decades are not attracted to these used-up women and they shouldn't be.

These men aren't afraid of commitment. They are rightly refusing to commit to women with baggage and habits and mindsets that make them lousy wife material, especially when our legal system will reward such women should they decide to leave the marriage or should the man realize he can't stay in such a situation. (She is more likely to be the one to file for divorce, however.)

She restates her point:

Yet is it really that much different when women spend the youth, beauty, slim waistlines, and virginity of their teens and twenties chasing after handsome jerks and then, after decades of getting burned, hit up "the nerds" for college tuition for two or three of another man’s children? In other words, we had a great party, didn’t invite you, but we'd like you to pick up the tab.

Yet I know so many attractive yet bitter, cynical women (fiercely angry over their string of Pygmalion failures) in their 30s with kids (male-hating Judith Regans all) who believe that since they’re now willing to go out with the guys who wear glasses, these never-been-married men their age should be forming lines to date them. Of course these programmers, engineers, accountants, and even MDs – men who spent their 20s working hard in college and graduate school instead of partying and "shagging" surfers, lifeguards, and other sundry misfits with no futures – aren’t stupid. Many of them have chosen to remain single and who can blame them. It sure beats dealing with O.J. ex-husbands and other men’s snotty kids who view you as nothing more than a piggy bank.

Ouch. The truth hurts.

The writer got a lot of angry feedback, so she wrote a follow-up.

You better believe women will tolerate (though not necessarily accept) cheating if it's part of their Pygmalion project; i.e., if it's one more shortcoming from which they're going to redeem the jerk. This was no generational change. Women have pursued jerks since time immemorial. They've catered to them, had their babies, cleaned their homes, cooked their dinners, and wasted decades of their lives with them. And then one day they suddenly decide they've Finally Had Enough! and (flying to the other extreme) join the Rosie O'Donnell Resentful Dike & Bitter Soccer Mom Brigade. (On so many relational fronts many women so seldom ever find the rational middle ground.)

My point was precisely that jerks come in all varieties and women will probably never tire of pursuing them. They provide a real life soap-opera drama of tension, mind games, and histrionics that women seem to be hopelessly addicted to.

Ladies, If you were bright enough to choose a good man, why not reward yourself and thank him for being good with an extra lovemaking session that you initiate today or tomorrow? Even if it is just a quickie.

I'm convinced that if women were the tit-for-tat recipients of just half of the petty, prima donna antics they dish out to men, there would be a seismic shift in today's relationships. Most men today are just too kowtowed and addicted to sex to ever take a principled stand on anything for long. They're putty in the hands of women wielding the threat of sexual deprivation.

Some guys would be jerks in any environment. But plenty are jerks because they can be, because plenty of women don't demand anything more.

She restates a point she made in the earlier piece:

As I said before and will say again (and women will agree with me as long as it's off the record), women hold far greater potential power in relationships because their consent makes possible every crucial juncture, from the first date, to engagement, to the wedding day. Female consent also controls the timing of these events as well as the nature of the man with which the woman chooses to spend her life. Yet this phenomenal power is continually used in such an irresponsible way and the end results are either a blanket hatred of men or a perplexity as to why they "won't commit."

More and more guys see marriage, given our culture and the women they meet, as a bad deal for them.

Today marriage is increasingly seen as a bad deal for responsible men like my brothers who spent their 20s earning degrees and building their careers as opposed to participating in Spring Break orgies. Sold on the lie that most women desired stable, faithful providers, they have no interest in trading away their standard of living for psychological baggage and numerous financial burdens not of their own making. Why would anyone be flattered to be someone else's last resort?

As far as the jerks go, men who get the benefits of marriage without marriage don't find marriage very appealing. It's not much more complicated than that. If women are really interested in getting men to commit, for starters they should put their pants back on.

When a man speaks or writes these truths, he's slapped with negative labels (such as sexist or misogynist) and assaulted with shaming tactics. But some women see these truths, too. Read both of her commentaries in full. They are still relevant.

Don't Marry a Druggie

This Dear Margo column is titled "Women Are Not Reform Schools". Best. Title. EVER! Well, not really. But it is a very good thing to remember.

Need Hugs, Not Drugs wrote:

I married a good man less than a year ago, knowing that he had drug and alcohol problems.

BZZZT! We’re done! This is a red flag that most people claim not to see, because they realize how stupid it is to marry someone knowing they have this problem.

These issues mostly stem from the fact that he self-medicates his severe anxiety, but they are also unfortunately prevalent in his No. 1 hobby (music), so they are around him all the time.

None of that excuses it. It should have ADDED to your reason to RUN to the nearest exit.

Although this situation has improved drastically since we first met, the fact is that it’s still an issue.

Look, I love vaginas. I love my wife's most of all (and it is the only one I love nowadays), and I fully expect it is the last vagina I will ever enjoy. But your vagina is not magical. You see improvement and think it is your doing. It is his responsibility, and you should not have taken it on, and you should not keep it on your back.

I want a family, and I'm getting tired of this being a problem.

NO! PLEASE NO!!! Do not subject a kid to this situation. You should have been tired of this problem a long time ago. You signed up for this!

Is it fair to give him a "me or the drugs" ultimatum if I knew he was this way when I married him?

You made a mistake in marrying him. Here are your reasonable options:

1) Leave him. No ultimatum. Simply tell him you made a mistake and you can't be married to a substance abusers. It is up to him to get clean or not, but I wouldn't wait around to see if he really does get clean. Move on with your life.

2) Get your tubes tied and stay with him and do not whine or nag about his substance abuse.

Dear Margo doesn't tell her to leave. She recommends counseling, essentially. Waste of time.