High Holy Day For Attention Whores

Did you go to a party over the weekend? Did you see the attention whores? Females of all ages use Halloween as an excuse to wear way-too-revealing "costumes". Hey, it can be great eye candy for guys (and gals) who want eye candy, or want to see females they know in near nudity.

The festivities continue all through today and tonight, of course.

Now, far be it from me to tell adults how to dress when at a private party. But if a woman dresses with her boobs nearly hanging out, she wants people to look at her boobs. Maybe she just wants one person in particular to do it, but she doesn't get to pick and choose when she is in a room full of people. If she wants to pick and choose, she'll do it in private.

What is up with those parents who let... or even encourage... their little girls to dress as wanna-be porn stars just because it is Halloween, or All Saints Eve, or Reformation Day?

Don't get me wrong. I think it is great in general to be able to dress up in costumes and have some fun, but let's not kid ourselves about the sexually-charged stuff. It's like when a woman says it doesn't count as sex (cheating) when it happens out of the country, or in another state, or while on vacation... as long as it is them or their friends doing it.

Won't Somebody Please Think of the Children?

"Colleen", in a letter to Dr. Laura, wrote about her disapproval of a pilot that ran on NBC. The title character, Whitney, was seen taking a shower with her boyfriend. That was the opening scene.

A little bit later I went back to see if anything had improved - wrong it was far, far worse. As Whitney's boyfriend was talking to his friend that he and Whitney had broken up, the friend was scornful he would even care- "What, you like having the same VAGINA every night?" As I quickly turned off the set, I was so disgusted. This is what we've come to in America, women are just interchangeable vaginas????

Well, "yes" in the sense that there are some guys who just want sex. "No" in the sense that the reason they don't mind being out of a committed relationship is that they can easily get sex from a variety of women, all whose bodies are different. If your "vaginas" (really, the whole body, the attitude, the sex) were really interchangeable, then the guys would stay put because there would be no reason to try other women. These days, vaginas are cheap, not interchangeable, due the law of supply and demand. They have always been in high demand. But beginning with the culture of mobility and urbanity, growing with contraception, functional atheism (in which people behave as though there is no God) and then "liberation" of women, easy access to many vaginas is widespread... so to speak.

Now, as I've previously written, it is more enjoyable to make love than to have casual sex, all other things about the sex being equal. But the guys in these scenarios do not want everything that comes along with being in that kind of relationship, which is harder to find anyway because much of the female population has changed in attitude.

It makes me sick to think of the children watching garbage like this.

I am a parent myself, and yes, it is hard to protect them from a lot of the bad influences, but discernment and filtering are very important. So is innoculation, which works much better than isolation or indoctrination.I agree that parents should not be letting their children watch something like that. However, are you proposing that everything in society be designed and operated so as to be child-focused? Children should be a top priority to their parents, and society as a whole should value children, but not every aspect of life should be appropriate or appealing to little kids.

Volunteering for Abuse

BRUISED AND ABUSED BOYFRIEND wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have been dating "Carmen" for a few years, but in the last year she has started becoming violent when we are having an argument.

First of all, why has the dating been going on for "a few years"? Do you have no intention of marrying?

I think this is domestic abuse, but she claims it isn't because I'm a man.

WRONG! Geez, so much for equality. The first time she got violent, you should have left immediately, and only returned to her if you were convinced, for good reason, that it was an aberration. The second time should have meant it was over. I'd say "call the cops" but you'd probably be the one arrested, so you should have 1) left, telling her never to contact you again, and 2) if she did contact you, filed a restraining order.

So far, I have restrained my instincts -- but eventually I know Carmen will cross the line and I'm going to snap. I have the potential to hurt her badly.

And then there would be a Lifetime Original Movie about how evil you are.

I have tried everything to make Carmen understand how I feel, but she continues to insist it doesn't matter because I'm so much bigger and stronger than she is.

WRONG! And there's no getting her to understand.

When she hits me, it doesn't hurt physically, but the anger I feel is indescribable.

What she does now doesn't hurt you, but she might do something worse later, or when you’re sleeping. And were you planning to have kids with her? Children are easier to injure, and they don't need to see their father abused anyway.

Stop rationalizing and LEAVE!!!

I'm at the end of my rope and considering breaking up with her before I hurt her.

Considering? It is bad enough you are still there.

I don't want to end the relationship, but I think it's the only way to make her see things from my perspective.

Who cares if she sees things from your perspective?!? I’m sorry, I know it isn’t a Biblical word, but this guy is a p---y. My guess is that he's rationalizing it because crazy chicks give wild sex. And that's all good, but only until she cuts it off and puts it into a garbage disposal.

Or should I call the cops the next time she hits me?

While that is exactly what a woman should do (call the cops), it isn't advisable for men, unfortunately.

Dear Abby told him to end it.

Please think ahead -- if Carmen resorts to violence when she becomes upset with you, then she very likely will with any children you would have together.

Yup!

Some experts are now saying men are more likely to be subject to dometic violence than women. I don't know if there is a way of knowing for sure, but we do know who is more likely to be arrested, and who has the shelters and assistance programs waiting for them, etc.

The sex of the perp and the sex of the victim doesn't matter. Do NOT tolerate abuse. It is better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship, but there are billions of fish in the sea anyway, so chances are, you'll find someone a lot better.

Blog Tinkering

I decided my blog was not easy enough on the eyes. Trying to fix that.

The First Session

The counseling session was not as bad as a visit to the dentist. It's a very experienced male, by the way, so hopefully he's not an idiot with a bias against normal male behavior. I felt awful laughing at some of what my wife said, but at least I wasn't yelling. If the laughing bothered her, she didn't let on. Rather, she was very thankful that I agreed to go, and has been in a good mood and sweet to me ever since I "agreed" to go. Yes, I agreed after my money was already committed to it. It was interesting because...

1. I found out she considers me a "rage-aholic". That was a surprise. I couldn't help but think of Homer Simpson's line, "I'm a rage-aholic! I'm addicted to rage-ahol!"

2. When she described what happened on vacation, she was going to make it sound like I had just started yelling like a madman. I had to break in and point out that she had been yelling at me, and I yelled back, then her sister yelled at me, and I yelled back, and that I was in a situation that I would never had subjected her to in the first place.

3. She's now upfront about the reason we live where we do - to be close to her family. The same family she is now avoiding. She used to say to me (and others) that we're living there (as opposed to closer to where I do most of my in-person work, or closer to my family) because she liked the house and the layout fit our needs. This is connected to why I yelled at her a few months back "because she got sick". I didn't yell as her because she got sick. I yelled at her because she was insisting I was going to take time off from work to take care of her, to which I asked why in the world we were living where we were, so far away from my family members who could (and wanted to) help out without taking any time off of work. When we were deciding to buy that house, I pointed those things out to her... we were going to have to live with the problems the house had because we weren't going to be asking the bank to take care of them, and we weren't going to have the money to do much to fix the place up. And we were going to be far from my family and work. Yet, these things continue to be issues, which is why they may prompt my yelling. We didn't quite go over all of this in session. But when I yell about something related to the house, she takes it as a personal attack on her and her family.

4. The real problem with my yelling may be that her mother yelled when she got drunk. She equated my alleged "rageaholism" with her mother's alcoholism. There's no comparison. Yes, there are some superficial similarities... we both deny our "addictions" are as bad as my wife says they are. But that would be true if she found a complete stranger and accused them of being addicted to gambling and the stranger denied it. See! Just like her mother! She focused a lot on the tone of my voice when I yell. So, perhaps if I yell in a different tone it will be a-okay?

5. She clearly conspired with my sister (and her own sister, obviously) to set up this counseling session and not tell me until it was too late to cancel. I have talked with my sister and also my mother on separate phone calls. After each call, my wife asked me if I told them about the counseling. And when I told her I hadn't mentioned it, she asked me why. Why bother? They both surely know about it. They can bring it up if they want. I'll likely not talk with them about it.

6. It sounded for a while like my wife was going to directly ask me to further cut back in usage of the desktop computer and mobile device. She said I would be happy if I didn't have her and the kids and all I did was sit on the computer. If I didn't have her and the kids, I wouldn't be on the computer all of the time, I'd be out with friends some of the time. But yes, since I'm a reader and a writer, and that can all be done on the computer, I can keep myself entertained by sitting in front of the computer. Mind you, all of the DVR space is taken by her shows and the kids' shows. I like to be productive rather than sitting around, and when the kids are occupied and my wife is occupied, I take the chance to get online. Technology is the only way I can still keep in touch with my friends at all. I pointed out that if the goal was to reduce my stress, doing something to increase my stress was a funny way to do it. Late in the session, she told me she was not asking me to cut back, but c'mon... she made her feelings known, and now I'm going to be some uncaring jerk who keeps right on... reading the news and barely keeping in contact with my friends.

Again, she was very appreciative that I had gone. Jump through the hoop, get a biscuit. That's a good boy.

Opening a Can of Worms?

Things have been good since the trip. My wife even said something that, in the past, would have gotten me riled up and perhaps yelling in response, but I handled it well.

But after that, she told me that she's going to have a marriage therapy appointment, and wants me to go. She told me this too late to cancel, so even if I could convince her it would be a waste, we'd still be out the money. Her sister (the one who I got into the fight with) and brother-in-law are going to babysit. We'd be better off using the time to go on a date.

I had made it clear to the party matching us, and I know my wife knew this before we dated, that I wanted someone who was healthy, not someone who was always treating an illness, real or imagined. When I met my wife, she was working full time, on her feet, with kids. On our first date, we talked about career and having a parent at home. I was open to being the one staying home. She said she wanted to be the one to stay home. She always wanted to be a hands-on Mom. She grew up with younger siblings. I took all of this to mean that she would be able to handle being the parent at home, and I was willing to be the sole income earner in exchange for having someone taking care of the kids.

But it hasn't worked out that way.

I can't bring this up in counseling, because she would take it as a personal attack on her due to her disability (again, I could not have known before we had kids how it was going to impact her ability to care for them). There would be no going back from that. And what would be the point? I'd never leave now. I made vows, we have the kids. She'd be badly hurt emotionally, and I'd rather not have to deal with that, in addition to not wanting to hurt her. She can't change. Well, she could change her thinking, if not her body, but she won't.

So I won't be able to be fully open and honest in counseling, at least not in front of her. So it is going to be waste.

And will she like the results? She's said repeatedly she loves her life and it is the way she's always wanted. Well, it is going to have to change a lot for me to get the things I'll need in order for me to get my yelling under further control.

This could get really, really bad.

More time and money spent that we don't have free to spend. That means more stress on me, even if the counseling itself is neutral. And what if it isn't? What if it does more harm than good?

Turning Down the Volume

I gave a recap of our horrible vacation here.

At the end of that one evening that started out with me trading shouts with my wife and her sister, my wife kept me awake begging me to get therapy and get drugged for my "rage". I calmly and quietly asked her if I had ever... ever... come out of the blue and just started yelling at anyone. She had to answer no.

It is true, my temper has been a problem for me in my life.

It was a problem when I was a kid, and I learned to control it by the time I was a teen. Now that I think about it, I think I got a handle on my temper about the time I started masturbating to orgasm. Coincidence?

Anger has never been a problem for me professionally. If anything, there are times when I should have displayed anger and didn't.

It hasn't been a problem while I drive (no road rage from me).

As an adult, it has never led to a physical fight or violence.

I don't throw things, hit things or people, kick things or people, push people, or break things.

I don't berate or insult others.

I scream... loudly and angrily... often I'm screaming questions... "Why did you do that? What do you expect me to do?" Or refusal, such as "I'm not going to do that!"

It was never a problem in any of my past relationships – I don't recall that I ever yelled at a girlfriend except perhaps with one who would have already been yelling at me. But sometimes with my family, and that now includes the family I have made, I yell. My wife has correctly noted it is when I think I should have control over something, but don't.

With the kids, it was "STOP [fill the in blank]!" I say "was" because when my wife sat me down to point it out and why it was a problem, I stopped.

Even when the yelling is a response to an angry or yelling statement from another adult, I shouldn't be yelling as often as I am.

But I refuse to drug myself when I know behavior modification can work.

My mind is the last thing that is mine.

I'm not sure I have a need for outside help based on something that happened under very unusual circumstances, and things got better after that, as least as far as I'm concerned. I haven't yelled since. But my wife would argue that it has been a pattern.

Maybe it is.