Breaking An Engagement

So you're engaged. You proposed (or maybe she did) and you gave her a ring. You might even have a wedding date, but nothing has been reserved or paid for yet. Invitations have not gone out. (If you're not engaged, just a couple, see this entry on how to break up.)

You need to prevent this from going any further.

Some people stay in perpetual "engagement" by never setting a wedding date or repeatedly pushing back the date. You should only try that if you truly like the way things are now and are certain they wouldn't be better if you were free. However, such situations are almost inevitably and increasingly filled with tension as she will try to get you more and more trapped and under her control.

The first step to breaking an engagement is to prevent further entanglement. It will help if you're "very busy right now" with work or issues with your parents/siblings, etc.

If you don't live together, don't start. If you do live together, see what I wrote here. If you've been spending a lot of time/overnights at her place, get as much of your stuff that you want to keep back to your place. If she notices and asks about it, and you're not ready to hit the eject button yet, just say you don't want to clutter up her place. If she's been spending a lot of time/overnights at your place, keep in mind the things that are hers that you're going to have to send back to her. Be ready to change your locks/access codes when you do hit the eject button.

Don't make big purchases with her or for her, or sign paperwork (loans, mortgages, leases, contracts) with or for her, or open up financial or online accounts with her.

Don't set dates, make reservations, or make deposits for any wedding related stuff (wedding ceremony, reception, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, etc.) Delay, delay, delay. Same goes with providing her an invitation list.

There's a lot more to it, but most of what I wrote in How to Break Up also applies to breaking an engagement, and I'll again direct you to this entry, which explains how to deal with or get out of certain entanglements you might have.

It's likely that breaking your engagement will be messy. The closer to the wedding date she picked and the more entanglements you have, the more of a mess it will be. (I'll write about cancelling a pending wedding in another entry.) She might cause scenes, stalk you, badmouth you, make serious false allegations against you, attack you, vandalize your property, try to argue with you, try to get back together with you and "make it work. Anything like that should reinforce that you made the right decision in breaking the engagement. You might need to get restraining orders and retain the services of an attorney.

Take care of yourself.

Remember that breaking the engagement was a good decision even if:

• It is a hassle, difficult, and disruptive
• It cost you money
  
• People in your life aren't happy about it
• You grew up thinking you'd be married, especially at this age
• You're feeling sad, bad, or horny
• You miss certain things about her or your relationship with her
• She has gone into a downward spiral
• She is improving herself (that just goes to show you she took your loyalty for granted!)
  
• She appears to living it up
• She is now with a guy who seems "better" than you
  

Never allow yourself to get into this situation again. Engagements are not for your benefit, and that's even more true about marriage. Whatever costs of pains there are in breaking an engagement, those pale in comparison to marriage and to divorce. As a free man, you get to do with your time, money, residence, and life in general what you want to do.

If you have at least one child together: You need to consider what is best for that child. Some people will tell you that marrying is best for the children. But as long as you are determined to be there for your children, a terrible state contract doesn't make anything better. A positive, cooperative relationship with the mother of your children does. (DO NOT conceive any more children, especially with another woman!) You might try avoiding or delaying the wedding. You definitely need to consult a lawyer. If this woman would agree to customized paperwork, like a cohabitation agreement, and a non-legal ceremony (if she really, really insists on having a wedding), it can be better than getting legally married. Point out to her that you two are doing fine already without getting the government involved.