I wanted to do it, but my wife was even more desirous of it than me.
I got a vasectomy.
Things are still a little tender, but other than the sharp pain of the initial needle stick to start the local anesthetic, it wasn't painful or uncomfortable at all. Cold packs and over-the-counter pain medication helped.
I know some devout folks are completely against vasectomies. I haven't read or heard a good explanation as to why. On the Bible Answer Man radio program, Hank Hanegraaff likes to answer calls on the subject by citing his own large family (because, you know, each of us can take a six-figure salary running a ministry) and says that God opens the womb and closes the womb. However, most people who say we should "leave it up to God" whether or not we have more children don't take that attitude with just about anything else about their bodies or life in general. Hey, God gave you those wrinkles and age spots! No more makeup for you!!!
"But children are a blessing" a lot of people say. Uh, yeah. Eh... look, I love my children but I don't have time to unpack that one right now.
Why get a vasectomy? Because we don't think we can responsibly parent any more children, but we do get around to having intercourse every week or two. We have a girl, we have a boy, they are both very stubborn and strong-willed. My wife is in no condition to mother more children. (I have thought she isn't holding up her end of the deal as it is, in terms of being a Stay-With-Kids-Mom who gives the children what they need.) I'm feeling old, and when I get home from working the children want to do things with me and I try to engage them, but I'm tired out and want nothing more than to be left alone after that initial welcome home. So, I go ahead and engage them but inside I'm griping and wanting to just sit down and rest. Money is tight and I don't foresee a significant rise in my income.We don't have the money, time, energy, space, or desire to have more children. That's why.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Calm Down
Dr. Laura handled a call so well during the second hour of her show on Thursday, May 16 that she should put the call on her website for other women to listen to as needed.
There was a woman who called who described her husband as a generally good man. She was very, upset, however, that he was viewing porn. As Dr. Laura's questions revealed, it was garden variety heterosexual adult porn, and the hubby had been stressed lately. Dr. Laura explained that he was relieving his stress while trying not to bother his wife, who is tired out from a newborn. He was not neglecting her.
There are many socially conservative talk show hosts and commentators who would have played to the woman's insecurities (and many of the women in the audience) by strongly condemning the husband as though what he was doing the the worst thing ever and prescribing "rehab" for his "porn addiction".
Instead, Dr. Laura confronted the issue head-on. She told the caller that yes, those women have better bodies than her. She darn near rubbed it in. She also went on to explain male sexuality and emotion (something very few women understand) to the point where I think the caller was no longer on a ledge, and gave the caller advice on how to handle the situation.
I'm sure a lot of women listening were upset that it didn't become a male-bashing session. However, it would have been a very different call if he had called. Dr. Laura would have steered him towards better ways to relieve his stress. Dr. Laura has to deal with the callers. She can't give advice to someone who is not calling. It was the wife calling, so Dr. Laura told her what to do, not what the hubby should or shouldn't do.
Dr. Laura is not a Christian, but she deals with a lot of Christian callers and is listened to many Christians. It is very popular in evangelical churches/media these days to constantly rail on about porn being one of the worst things possible. Meanwhile, I hear very little about what's wrong with gossip, romantic comedies, soap operas, greed/overspending/impulse buying and gluttony/sloth/obesity. Could that have anything to do with the churches appealing to women and not men? Naaaaaah.
Most men like to see well-placed molecules, images of well-placed molecules, images of people having sex. That's male biology, as fallen as it is. However, for most men, there no sight they'd rather see more than their own wife naked. No model, no porn star, no other woman can compete for a man's attention when his wife is naked in front of him.
Obviously, there are other ways for men to relieve stress and I'm not giving a blanket defense of porn. Perspective is often lost when we deal with this topic, though. Dr. Laura and Dennis Prager are very helpful in providing that perspective.
There was a woman who called who described her husband as a generally good man. She was very, upset, however, that he was viewing porn. As Dr. Laura's questions revealed, it was garden variety heterosexual adult porn, and the hubby had been stressed lately. Dr. Laura explained that he was relieving his stress while trying not to bother his wife, who is tired out from a newborn. He was not neglecting her.
There are many socially conservative talk show hosts and commentators who would have played to the woman's insecurities (and many of the women in the audience) by strongly condemning the husband as though what he was doing the the worst thing ever and prescribing "rehab" for his "porn addiction".
Instead, Dr. Laura confronted the issue head-on. She told the caller that yes, those women have better bodies than her. She darn near rubbed it in. She also went on to explain male sexuality and emotion (something very few women understand) to the point where I think the caller was no longer on a ledge, and gave the caller advice on how to handle the situation.
I'm sure a lot of women listening were upset that it didn't become a male-bashing session. However, it would have been a very different call if he had called. Dr. Laura would have steered him towards better ways to relieve his stress. Dr. Laura has to deal with the callers. She can't give advice to someone who is not calling. It was the wife calling, so Dr. Laura told her what to do, not what the hubby should or shouldn't do.
Dr. Laura is not a Christian, but she deals with a lot of Christian callers and is listened to many Christians. It is very popular in evangelical churches/media these days to constantly rail on about porn being one of the worst things possible. Meanwhile, I hear very little about what's wrong with gossip, romantic comedies, soap operas, greed/overspending/impulse buying and gluttony/sloth/obesity. Could that have anything to do with the churches appealing to women and not men? Naaaaaah.
Most men like to see well-placed molecules, images of well-placed molecules, images of people having sex. That's male biology, as fallen as it is. However, for most men, there no sight they'd rather see more than their own wife naked. No model, no porn star, no other woman can compete for a man's attention when his wife is naked in front of him.
Obviously, there are other ways for men to relieve stress and I'm not giving a blanket defense of porn. Perspective is often lost when we deal with this topic, though. Dr. Laura and Dennis Prager are very helpful in providing that perspective.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
The Silent Treatment
How sad is it that my life is made better and easier when my wife gives me the silent treatment?
This is how the silent treatment works around here:
She sends me texts that are absolutely necessary, but other than that she avoids me and stays silent.
If I post something sincerely nice on her Facebook, she deletes it. Then she posts a sarcastic comment on my Facebook, which will appear to anyone who isn't clued in to be a sincere thanks. She hasn't unfriended me this time... yet. What is this, junior high school?
Anyway, the silent treatment is great. No orders. No requests. No instructions. No complaints. I have much more freedom to do what I want, how I want, when I want. I like it quiet. Who suffers more form this? Oh, sure, the kids suffer. It's her choice, though. Between the two of us, I mean, who suffers more?
Yeah, I don't get sex during the silent treatment. So I miss a weekly session. Big deal. With all of the restrictions she has on it, it's not a big punishment to deny me.
It's even better when she takes the kids to her parents' place without me. I do like her family, but I very much enjoy being alone. So, no wife, no kids.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat - something of my choosing. I'll probably get to sleep early, too. Nice!
This is how the silent treatment works around here:
She sends me texts that are absolutely necessary, but other than that she avoids me and stays silent.
If I post something sincerely nice on her Facebook, she deletes it. Then she posts a sarcastic comment on my Facebook, which will appear to anyone who isn't clued in to be a sincere thanks. She hasn't unfriended me this time... yet. What is this, junior high school?
Anyway, the silent treatment is great. No orders. No requests. No instructions. No complaints. I have much more freedom to do what I want, how I want, when I want. I like it quiet. Who suffers more form this? Oh, sure, the kids suffer. It's her choice, though. Between the two of us, I mean, who suffers more?
Yeah, I don't get sex during the silent treatment. So I miss a weekly session. Big deal. With all of the restrictions she has on it, it's not a big punishment to deny me.
It's even better when she takes the kids to her parents' place without me. I do like her family, but I very much enjoy being alone. So, no wife, no kids.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat - something of my choosing. I'll probably get to sleep early, too. Nice!
How Do You Decide If You Want Kids?
"Stumped" wrote in to Dear Margo:
So he's a grandfather.
She didn't mention marriage. Should we assume she isn't marred to this guy? He should not be having any more children because he is too old, unless we're talking about a fit, healthy 40-year-old man with a 21-year-old daughter who has made babies.
But the question of whether or not to have children is one of the top three questions a person must face in life. I struggled with that question myself. If you're not reasonably certain you want to be a mother, then don't be one.
Can that change? Of course it can. The four basic scenarios are that you get to be past childbearing age and you find that what happened over the years was...
1) Wanting to be a mother and becoming a mother.
2) Wanting to be a mother and not becoming a mother
3) Not wanting to be a mother and not becoming a mother.
4) Not wanting to be a mother and becoming a mother.
#1 and 3 are best, of course. #2 is bad for you. #4 is bad for the child, and we definitely want to avoid that one.
You should spend a lot of time babysitting your boyfriend's grandchildren. Imagine you had to deal with that 24/7/365 for 18 years – dealing with illnesses, injuries, doctor visits, potty training, education, discipline, etc.
So how should a woman decide if she wants to have children? Here is a checklist:
1) Do you find yourself with way too much free time?
2) Do you find yourself with way too much free energy?
3) Do you want to reduce your chances of ever getting a good, full night's sleep?
4) Do you think you have too little to worry about in life?
5) Do you find yourself with way too much extra money?
6) Do you want to make your sex life much more difficult and restricted?
7) Do you want to get sick more often?
8) Do you want to make it more difficult to do just about everything you do in life, from taking a shower, to going to dinner, to traveling, to moving?
9) Do you want to be forced to deal with your current lover or any other man and his family for the rest of your life? (Or can you imagine finding someone else and putting up with that person and his family for the rest of your life?)
10) Do you find that your breasts are too perky?
11) Do you want to significantly change your body into a less youthful state?
12) Do you want to spend a few years changing diapers and potty training?
13) Do you want to watch another human being going through all of the pain, frustration, embarrassment, and heartache of growing up?
14) Do you want to forgo books, movies, television shows, and songs you like to have to read/watch/listen to ones that drive you crazy or bore you to tears – over and over and over and over and over and over again?
15) Is your home too quiet, clean, and organized?
16) Are you willing to a) put a career on hold for at least several years and restrict your husband's career, or b) let your husband put his career on hold, while restricting your own career?
17) Do you want to drive a "family car" and wear mom jeans?
18) Do you want to live a life in which taking the children anywhere will mean constantly watching them and tending to them so as to keep them from maiming themselves, maiming another child, breaking something expensive, or getting kidnapped, raped, tortured, and murdered (a crime for which you will automatically be a prime suspect)?
19) Do you want to frequently be told by others, family and strangers alike, you're not doing what's best for your child?
20) Do you either want to be a homeschooling teacher, pay for private school, or condemn your children to the absurdity and dysfunction of public education?
If you can answer yes to these questions, then maybe you should have kids.
Let's face it. Yes, babies are freakin' adorable, but most kids born throughout history were born because they were the natural result of sexual intercourse. Parents did find kids handy as labor to help on the farm or in the family business. But we don't use child labor anymore, except in that oh-so-progressive entertainment industry. Instead, we send kids to school for 13-19+ years, thus turning them into a personal financial liability rather than an asset. (Collectively, we need more children to keep the government ponzi schemes funded... so it is strange that many of the same people who love those ponzi schemes encourage trending towards fewer births.)
Seriously, it is more important to ask what you have to offer a child, because parenthood isn't about you, it is about the children. But parenthood can be enjoyable, despite all of the drags implied by my list. I do get enjoyment from being father. There's a lot about my childless life I miss... a lot... and sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have condemned my child to having me as a father, but Nature's God does something to the brains of some men, like me, so that when we become fathers we develop this kind of amnesia and restructuring, so we don't mind so much that we're not doing hardly of the things we enjoyed so much before we became fathers. Really. It's bizarre. Don't think this happens to every guy with offspring, because it clearly doesn't.
I find my children entertaining. Watching them learn new things, the funny things they say... their giggles, gifts, and hugs... they're priceless. I never thought I was going to enjoy changing diapers, but I even had fun doing that, and being a father has certainly taught me a lot about thinking of myself as God's child. Being a father has definitely caused me to learn more about myself. If nothing else, I have continued the long chain of my family line another generation, and I'm influencing a least a tiny portion of the next generation through people who will hopefully outlive me.
So, I guess the bottom line is that if you care mostly about personal freedom, personal pleasure, career, and amassing material wealth, then it is a good idea not to have kids. But if you care more about loving others and continuing humanity, then give serious thought to becoming a parent.
Dear Margo (oh yeah... almost forgot) responded:
(This was bumped up from 2011.)
Almost everything about my relationship is perfect. There is one thing, however, that’s not. And I can’t decide whether or not it’s a big deal. My fella’s older and already has a child - who has kids of her own.
So he's a grandfather.
I've never had baby fever, but I think about it more lately than I ever have. How do I know if I’ll regret not having a child of my own?
She didn't mention marriage. Should we assume she isn't marred to this guy? He should not be having any more children because he is too old, unless we're talking about a fit, healthy 40-year-old man with a 21-year-old daughter who has made babies.
But the question of whether or not to have children is one of the top three questions a person must face in life. I struggled with that question myself. If you're not reasonably certain you want to be a mother, then don't be one.
Can that change? Of course it can. The four basic scenarios are that you get to be past childbearing age and you find that what happened over the years was...
1) Wanting to be a mother and becoming a mother.
2) Wanting to be a mother and not becoming a mother
3) Not wanting to be a mother and not becoming a mother.
4) Not wanting to be a mother and becoming a mother.
#1 and 3 are best, of course. #2 is bad for you. #4 is bad for the child, and we definitely want to avoid that one.
You should spend a lot of time babysitting your boyfriend's grandchildren. Imagine you had to deal with that 24/7/365 for 18 years – dealing with illnesses, injuries, doctor visits, potty training, education, discipline, etc.
So how should a woman decide if she wants to have children? Here is a checklist:
1) Do you find yourself with way too much free time?
2) Do you find yourself with way too much free energy?
3) Do you want to reduce your chances of ever getting a good, full night's sleep?
4) Do you think you have too little to worry about in life?
5) Do you find yourself with way too much extra money?
6) Do you want to make your sex life much more difficult and restricted?
7) Do you want to get sick more often?
8) Do you want to make it more difficult to do just about everything you do in life, from taking a shower, to going to dinner, to traveling, to moving?
9) Do you want to be forced to deal with your current lover or any other man and his family for the rest of your life? (Or can you imagine finding someone else and putting up with that person and his family for the rest of your life?)
10) Do you find that your breasts are too perky?
11) Do you want to significantly change your body into a less youthful state?
12) Do you want to spend a few years changing diapers and potty training?
13) Do you want to watch another human being going through all of the pain, frustration, embarrassment, and heartache of growing up?
14) Do you want to forgo books, movies, television shows, and songs you like to have to read/watch/listen to ones that drive you crazy or bore you to tears – over and over and over and over and over and over again?
15) Is your home too quiet, clean, and organized?
16) Are you willing to a) put a career on hold for at least several years and restrict your husband's career, or b) let your husband put his career on hold, while restricting your own career?
17) Do you want to drive a "family car" and wear mom jeans?
18) Do you want to live a life in which taking the children anywhere will mean constantly watching them and tending to them so as to keep them from maiming themselves, maiming another child, breaking something expensive, or getting kidnapped, raped, tortured, and murdered (a crime for which you will automatically be a prime suspect)?
19) Do you want to frequently be told by others, family and strangers alike, you're not doing what's best for your child?
20) Do you either want to be a homeschooling teacher, pay for private school, or condemn your children to the absurdity and dysfunction of public education?
If you can answer yes to these questions, then maybe you should have kids.
Let's face it. Yes, babies are freakin' adorable, but most kids born throughout history were born because they were the natural result of sexual intercourse. Parents did find kids handy as labor to help on the farm or in the family business. But we don't use child labor anymore, except in that oh-so-progressive entertainment industry. Instead, we send kids to school for 13-19+ years, thus turning them into a personal financial liability rather than an asset. (Collectively, we need more children to keep the government ponzi schemes funded... so it is strange that many of the same people who love those ponzi schemes encourage trending towards fewer births.)
Seriously, it is more important to ask what you have to offer a child, because parenthood isn't about you, it is about the children. But parenthood can be enjoyable, despite all of the drags implied by my list. I do get enjoyment from being father. There's a lot about my childless life I miss... a lot... and sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have condemned my child to having me as a father, but Nature's God does something to the brains of some men, like me, so that when we become fathers we develop this kind of amnesia and restructuring, so we don't mind so much that we're not doing hardly of the things we enjoyed so much before we became fathers. Really. It's bizarre. Don't think this happens to every guy with offspring, because it clearly doesn't.
I find my children entertaining. Watching them learn new things, the funny things they say... their giggles, gifts, and hugs... they're priceless. I never thought I was going to enjoy changing diapers, but I even had fun doing that, and being a father has certainly taught me a lot about thinking of myself as God's child. Being a father has definitely caused me to learn more about myself. If nothing else, I have continued the long chain of my family line another generation, and I'm influencing a least a tiny portion of the next generation through people who will hopefully outlive me.
So, I guess the bottom line is that if you care mostly about personal freedom, personal pleasure, career, and amassing material wealth, then it is a good idea not to have kids. But if you care more about loving others and continuing humanity, then give serious thought to becoming a parent.
Dear Margo (oh yeah... almost forgot) responded:
You don't mention this man's preferences.That's a very good point. Even if he is fit and 40, he might not want to start another round of kids.
(This was bumped up from 2011.)
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