Some Things to Remember

Whether you're a regular reader or you just happened to find this blog today, I wanted to leave this message to last through the holidays, until I'm updating this blog regularly again.

Men matter.

If you're a man, you matter.

Your needs matter.

What you want matters.

If you're a father of a minor child, what your child needs should take more priority than what you want.

If you don't have minor children but are married, it is OK to leave a bad state contract you signed when you were delusional or ignorant. If it is early on in the marriage, staying longer can make things worse for you at an increasing rate.

If you're engaged, you're probably better off breaking the engagement (or, delaying a wedding date until she gets fed up and leaves).

If you are thinking of proposing, you probably shouldn't.  You don't need a wife.

Shacking up is generally a terrible idea. Don't move in with a woman, and don't let her move in with you.

Get a vasectomy.

Especially if you haven't gotten a vasectomy, don't date mothers of minor children. And if you have minor children, they shouldn't be meeting any new lover of yours until later.

Stay free.

If you want to date, you can run game. DO NOT even flirt with anyone from work.

Build up an emergency fund if you don't have one.

You have something to contribute to the world. The better off you are, the more you are able to contribute.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

With the holidays here, I might not be posting much. We'll see. I plan to resume my recent pace of posting new entries and bumping up relevant past ones after the holidays are behind us. Every week, I like to have at least a couple of new entries and bump up a few classic entries, but I might not have time to resume that pace until the 3rd or 4th of the New Year.

I do plan to keep active on Twitter through the holidays. Follow me there, if you don't already. Send me Direct Messages there, if you'd like.

I hope the holidays are going well for you, and that you have a blessed New Year.

Why Do You Read This Blog?

I'd  like to "hear" from you, especially if you're a returning reader. Leave a comment below. You can post anonymously. If you don't want your comment published, say so in the comment and I will delete it after reading it. Comments have to be approved before they can be published.

You don't have to be supportive. Maybe you come here because you hate what I write. Maybe you like it when I write about being miserable (when I do). That's fine, too. Just let me know why you read this blog. If you want more of something or less or something, say so. I might not adjust in a way you like, but maybe I will.

So... tell me. 

Thanks.

(I've asked this question before.)

Does Dr. Laura Need a Change?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has had an amazing and unequaled career in media. Her long-running terrestrial radio program was nationally syndicated and was a top three program. She quit terrestrial radio and set up on satellite radio at SiriusXM. She has been there for many years now. She has many bestselling books, had a magazine, has done one-woman shows, a written column, and has popular videos, podcasts (excerpts from her program), and posts on social media.

She could retire today with her head held high. There will likely never be another woman in terrestrial radio as successful as she was.

However, she has repeatedly said on her program she doesn't want to retire. It isn't hard to see why. She works from home on a Monday-Friday three hour, mid-day program. She doesn't have to deal with multiple program directors across the country. She doesn't have to make appearances or do interviews. She has complete control over her program. It's entirely audio, so she doesn't have to dress any specific way or get made up, or worry about her appearance or what she's silently doing.

Yet there are four things that indicate to me that if she's not going to retire, she needs a change.

1. She is into her mid-70s

2. Crosstalk severely frustrates her.

3. Society has changed.

4. Talk programs specifically are changing.

This is going to be a long post. I didn't want to divide it into a series.

Jumping to Conclusions

Man kills self, woman most affected. (Consider that a trigger warning.)

I posted about this on Twitter but I wanted to write more about it here.

More Relationship Joy From Dear Abby Column

Both letters in a recent Dear Abby column caught my eye.

BEWILDERED IN CANADA wrote:

I married for the second time two years ago to a younger woman.

BIG MISTAKE. Canada is NOT a place a man should want to get legally married, let alone for a second time.

Seven months after our wedding, she announced she didn't like my dominating personality, which is why she was stepping out of the marriage. She then went back to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend for six months.

That should have been the end of it.

Dear Abby Letter Writer Better Off as a Free Man

Men are told to communicate what they want, but when they do, they're ridiculed as controlling, arrogant, shallow, perverted, callous, and inflexible. [This was originally posted in January 2019 and still holds up.]

Check out this recent letter to Dear Abby from DATING IN 2019 and click through to read the comments:

Lately I have become perplexed at the vanity and immoral behavior now associated with the task of dating.

I wish the printed letter would have explained what he meant by those terms.

I'm a single man living by myself with no responsibilities but my own.

What a great life! Why screw that up with a woman? Anyway, if he's also gainfully employed, not in debt, and not short or hideous, then he should have his pick of women. The thing is, he's picky.

I am looking for someone who will fit into my lifestyle.

Well, pal, very few, if any, women will be like that, although some might pretend to be until they get the keys to your place, or your signature on the dotted line, or your child. They're going to want to change things about your life. And even if they don't want to, there are things about just about any woman that would disrupt your lifestyle. Critical information is left out: his age.

Put the Shackle Back On

On Tuesday, October 18, 2022, the Dr. Laura Program ran a call in the third hour that I'm almost certain was a repeat or was recorded off-air. Both are regular elements of the program.

The call was with a husband and wife. The husband had just left the wife within the last few days.

The focus of the call became the husband's claim that he left so he could do what he wanted to do. It sounded like he wanted to golf, fish, and certain other similar things.

Dr. Laura kept hounding him with "Why can't you do it while you're married to her?"

Then Dr. Laura said that she did what she wanted to do while married to her late husband. Note: Dr. Laura usually will not allow callers to compare themselves to her or ask what she'd personally do, but she often compares herself to the caller.

But there was a problem with that.

The caller was the husband. Dr. Laura was a wife. Dr. Laura usually notes significant differences between men and women, husbands and wives, and their power within marriage. In her marriage specifically, she had the fame and was a high income earner. She was also a trained psychotherapist. And for the last how many years of the marriage, Dr. Laura was in much better health and shape than her husband. OF COURSE SHE DID WHAT SHE WANTED.

A husband has little power other than to leave, and for most husbands, leaving still doesn't restore all of his power, and the courts will order the husband to spend a significant amount of his life earning money for his ex.

Many husbands can't do what they want because most wives have an extensive list of things (written or not) for the husband to do that occupies his time and energy, and if he doesn't do them or even if he does and his wife doesn't like what he wants to do with his leftover time, she can make his life a living Hell.

She can get hostile and bitchy. She can bitch at him and nag him, including while he's trying to sleep (that one is especially fun, I know from experience). She can shut down all affection. She can get him kicked out of his own home. She can spend him into debt. She can destroy his belongings. There's worse.

She urged the husband to go back to his wife, saying he can do what he wants to do and still be married. Yet, if he had already been doing what he wanted to do Dr. Laura might have gotten a call from the wife and told the wife she was married to a selfish man who didn't want to be married or that she "doesn't have a marriage."

It sounded to me like Dr. Laura was trying to prevent the wife from being a divorced woman at an age she would have slim pickings for a new husband. The call wasn't anywhere near long enough to get a good idea of what has really been going on in the marriage. Dr. Laura may have known due to a letter or what was discussed or sent back and forth prior to the call, but the listeners didn't.

It's Not Too Early to Form Your Holiday Game Plan

Free Men, and men who want to be, it's NOT to early to think about the holidays, and by that, I mean Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day. 

There are two main considerations for you:

1) Dealing with family and "friends" who will be asking you (or pestering you) about your status as a free man. You now how it goes. "When are you going to get married?" Questions like that.

2) Avoiding spending those special days with a woman who wants to take away your status as Free Man, or will be expecting you to spend a lot of time, money, and effort on her.

Don't do something something foolish and start thinking there is "the one" to whom you should hand over your freedom. Don't be so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive with a woman.

Do I Have A Moral Obligation To Warn My Wife About Divorce?

Let's assume that I decide that, once our youngest child is 18, which should be after they are done with high school, I'm going to file for divorce.

That's still years away.

In general, do husbands have a moral obligation to give advanced notice? How much in advance?

Do I have a moral obligation in particular?

Please note that I'm not talking about financial or legal strategy. I would talk to an accountant and an attorney about those things.

I'm talking about morality. Would I be morally obligated to tell her I'm going to file for divorce, and how far in advance would that obligation exist?

Keep in mind:

Why Your Husband Isn't Pursuing You

...Or is outright rejecting you.

Dr. Laura recently [this entry has been bumped up from August 2017] had a call of the day that was about a married couple not having sex. The caller was the wife and she wanted to know what to do. Her show's Facebook page linked to it, and many very revealing comments were left there.

Jamie's husband works all day and when he comes home, he is too tired for sex. What can Jamie do to bring the spark back?

Let's look at some of the comments:

Mark of the Day

Here's the fool, sucker, or mark of the day. In the September 22, 2022 Dear Abby column, RANKING LOW IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote:

My wife died two years ago. I met a woman shortly afterward.

Guys married for a long time who are widowed often make the mistake of quickly jumping into another marriage, not realizing that it is possible to thrive while free and if they had a good wife in their prior marriage, that's a rare thing.

We dated for a year, shared the same hobbies and were very intimate. We were inseparable.

Ah yes, that's what she wanted you to think.

Now, after a year of marriage, we don't do anything together, and she has put on 30 pounds.

That's bad enough, but it gets worse. So much worse.

Her three girls, who I was led to believe were independent at ages 20, 22 and 24, are actually supported in part by her.

NOPE NOPE NOPE! This is why FULL disclosure and customized prenups are  MUST if you're going to be foolish enough to legally marry.

Her 15-year-old son lives with us and just stays in his room playing on his computer. He gets food delivered and does no chores.

NEVER be with a woman who has minor children!!!

I make $250k a year. She works and earns about $50k, and I give her an allowance to help pay for her son's private school and whatever else she wants.

SUCKER!!! With that salary, he could have attracted childfree, younger, hotter women!

It's obvious that I'm not No. 1 in her life.

You won't be number one with any mother.

Since she just returned from a girls weekend (that I funded), I may not even be No. 2.

You're the walking ATM. She probably doesn't even like you.

My friends say I should run, that she's a gold digger who took advantage of me.

Your friends are right. Life doesn't have to be this way.

Dear Abby's answer included:

If you have any desire to save this marriage, tell your wife you are unhappy and offer her the option of counseling.

WRONG! There's no point to counseling. Consult an attorney NOW. If the place is your place, you're at risk of losing it. A good family law attorney can help you get out of this marriage with as little damage as possible. The laws are set up to SCREW YOU OVER. Every day that goes by without a separation or a divorce filed puts you further down a hole. What we have here is another woman who pretended as long as it took to get a sucker to sign on the dotted line (which wasn't long) and then she figured she had his balls and would live off of him, ignoring his needs. So there's no point to trying to make it work. We know what kind of woman she is.

Get free and STAY FREE. If you need female companionship, run game. Or, at least refuse to pay their way through life, and never let them move in with you.

What Did I Expect?

[This entry was initially published in April 2020. Things haven't changed much. The changes are mostly from the kids getting older and more able to take care of themselves.]

There is a school of thought that says if you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed.

Well, sure. 

But expectations can be reasonable. I expect that if I smash my thumb with a hammer, it's going to hurt.

I expect that if someone employs me, they're going to compensate me as we agreed if I perform the work as agreed.

I expect that if I slow down and stop at a stop sign in a safe and reasonable, manner, any vehicle behind me will do the same.

We all have expectations, some more reasonable than others.

I make it clear on this blog and Twitter that marrying was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Marrying was voluntary. I married because of certain expectations. Without these expectations, I wouldn't have been motivated to marry.

What did I expect?

Based on things like my own parents, the people I've observed, church, media in general, Dr. Laura and Focus on the Family in particular, and based on what I knew about my now-wife, I expected that when my now-wife said she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, that meant:

1) I was going to be the breadwinner for the family, working full-time and commuting.

2) My wife was going to be the homemaker, social calendar keeper, and primary nurturer of our children. This would entail her keeping the house from becoming a health code violation; handling most of the cooking/meal prep, laundry, and shopping; keeping us in contact with family (both hers and mine) and friends; engaging with the kids while they're home; and getting the kids to where they need to go for various activities and friend time, unless those activities are when I'm home from work.

3) As we discussed, we were either going to homeschool, or, as a backup, place the kids in private school. If that happened, she'd be able to work, at least part-time, and that would more than offset the cost of private school. I would handle more of the domestic responsibilities if she would be working outside the home.

4) We would be making love, or at least having sex, about three times per week. This would involve the occasional "the kids aren't home, lets go wild" time and us seeking, through practice and exploration and education, to pleasure each other intensely, perhaps in new ways, and to grow in our sexuality, almost like making it a hobby. It would involve some, perhaps rare, spontaneity. Making love would be a priority. Of course, during times of illness or extreme circumstances things would slow down or be on hold.

What A Terrible Existence

I'm on Twitter and I am there promoting the messages about relationships, dating, marriage, gender relations, etc. that I do here. I link to this blog in some of my tweets. [This entry has been bumped up.]

Some people who don't like what I say, instead of explaining why, call me an incel. That's short for involuntarily celibate. Celibate means unmarried, but people often use it to mean chaste, for some reason. Trying to insult me by calling me an incel shows that they don't know the first thing about me.

I'm married. I'm not an incel. I'm a regretmarried. And we do have sex. Just not nearly often enough and generally not as good as the sex I got when I wasn't married.

Another way someone tries to insult me instead of actually discussing what I write is by saying things like:

"I really pity your wife."

Hmmm. Let's consider my wife's situation.

Salem Trades In Medved For Gorka - UPDATED

I originally wrote and posted this at the end of 2018. I'll add some current [August 2022] thoughts at the end.

*****

I've long made a habit of listening to Michael Medved and I've often read his columns. I have a couple of this books.

While he seems to be personally very conservative (as in his personal life), he hasn't been a "the Republican way is the only way; screw Democrats" kind of guy when it comes to politics. He's tried to be fair to disagreeing callers Left of him, and to those Right of him (and there have been a lot of those lately!)

He has given his Democrat/Leftist friends plenty of air time and is generally very polite, trying to find common ground with just about anyone. He has always said he wants the President to succeed no matter who it has been, so that has included Obama.

I first thought things might change for him in 2016, when he refused to endorse or vote for Trump. Mind you, he didn't vote for this classmate, Hillary, either. Salem talkers who did endorse Trump were sent on a tour that year to try to get out the vote. Medved did participate in Salem townhalls, at which many in the audience were disappointed at his refusal to endorse Trump.

Since Trump was elected, Medved has praised the things the President has done that he likes and criticized (usually constructively) the things he hasn't liked, and there have been plenty of those.

The writing was on the wall once Sebastian Gorka, one of the many people with Trump Administration experience, started filling in for various Salem talkers when they were away from their own shows. Gorka is very much in Trump's corner, and not just because that's who happens to be the (Republican) President. Gorka has an accent and voice some listeners find appealing. I did often listen to his guest hosting stints, whereas I listen to very few guest hosts. Gorka expressed, on-air, his enjoyment of hosting.

Common Marital Mistakes

Let's look at a recent entry on the Dr. Laura Blog about "marriage mistakes all couples make", which I'd cynically say starts with getting married in the first place. [This entry bumped up from April 2017]

1. Screaming.There is absolutely no justification for yelling at your spouse. If you’re upset about something, count to 15, and then calmly express yourself.

Guilty, guilty, guilty. I am. It's one reason I'm in therapy. I don't want to scream. My my wife would scream at me if she could. She does the equivalent through texts. One time in particular I screamed at her was when the kids were away for the night and I'd jumped through all of the hoops and I was hoping for some long-overdue lovemaking, and she made it clear it wasn't going to happen, basically because she didn't feel motivated to do it.

Yes, I screamed at her. I screamed at her that I was tired of being crapped on and rejected. I screamed that there were women who'd actually wanted me and it was a rotten thing to do to marry me when she didn't. Yes, I'm guilty. [It has been a long time since I last screamed. I'm a beaten dog and realize that I just have to endure, at least for now. - August 2022]

2. Ignoring. If you’re actually too upset to talk, just say, “I’m not ignoring you. I just need to take a little time-out to pull myself together, and then I’ll be good to go.”

I've never, ever ignored my wife. She has ignored me many times, and you know what? The more she ignores me, the better! It means less stress for me, less work for me.

Well, let me qualify that. It's OK as long as she's not going to be home alone with the kids, because then her ignoring me could be an indication that she's having a psychotic break.

3. Trying to agree on everything. Coming to a complete consensus on every issue is not going to happen.

Are you paying attention, guys? There will be disagreements, including unresolved disagreements. Do you really wants to legally and financially bind yourself to such a situation?

If you have a difference of opinion, ask yourselves who cares more or is impacted the most. Then let that person make the decision and take the responsibility. However, if you’re not willing to accept the responsibility for something, you can’t bitch about it later.

Yeah, here's what happens with us. My wife will announce or request something. If I disagree, well, that's too bad. She's going to go ahead anyway. I might ask her questions, especially about the possible problems that might result from her decision, and she'll usually accuse me of being pessimistic and raining on her parade. Then, later, when what I was concerned might happen does happen, I'm stuck dealing with it because my wife will say she can't and that she didn't know things would be that bad. The one exception is that she wanted to keep homeschooling, and has wanted to return to homeschooling, but we put the kids in private school and have kept them there, but it was because a couple of experts, including one we needed to sign off on the homeschooling, said my wife wouldn't be able to keep doing it.

4. Making assumptions. Don’t assume anything! If you want to know something, ASK.

Generally good advice, but it can also be helpful to think through what the likely possibilities are before or without asking. Sometimes you'll realize you don't really care all that much and so there is no point to asking.

5. Not communicating. A lot of problems can be avoided if you simply talk to each other.

In our case, the less communication, the better. If she's not communicating with me, then I'm not being given more tasks to do, hearing about how I'm wrong or insufficient in some area, or how much sex is a burden to her. Or I'll hear less about some inane TV show I don't care about. So it's good if she communicates less. And I'm better off if I communicate less, because talking with her rarely improves anything for me. Rather, anything I say can and will be used against me.

6. Lying. If you ever think, “Boy, I hope my spouse never finds out about this,” then don’t do it.

I'm generally for honesty, but really, not telling her things she doesn't need to know is fine, at least in our case.

Sometimes, a spouse has something wrong with them, so that if you tell them something innocuous they'll launch into a tirade and be in a bad mood for a couple of days. Sorry, honestly, especially volunteering something, isn't the best policy in that case.

7. Not making your spouse a priority. Your spouse needs to be adored and appreciated, and given affection, attention, and compliments. Get your pride and ego out of the way, and stop dwelling on what you should be getting.

Generally, yes. But at some point, when things are not right, mitigation is necessary. Let's take the example of a trauma center surgeon. She's there saving lives. And that's her priority. But if she never thinks about her own needs, as in "I really need to be relieved so that I can tinkle, then get something to eat," then she's eventually going to collapse. Making your spouse a priority without them doing the same thing can only last so long.

Dennis Prager's Obsession With Marriage Clouds His Thinking

Dennis Prager is has an extremely strong emotional fixation on marriage. He's so worried that someone might have a great life without being married that he wants everyone to get married before that can happen, and if that marriage fails, to get married again, as soon as possible. Lather, rinse, repeat. He apparently dismisses or refuses to accept that there are valid reasons someone might not want to legally marry, much less marry at all. This is one reason he's in his third marriage.

He advocated for marrying again with his Wednesday, July 27, 2022 "Male/Female Hour," which he calls the most honest talk in media about the subject of men and women, even though he's never had a marriage striker on during that hour.

His advocacy for signing that terrible state contract was presented as a discussion about whether or not people who are dating each other rather than married or at least engaged can require the same level of fidelity as being married (or engaged). He thinks even if someone has been dating just one other person regularly for years (maybe even shacking up or with kids together - he never addressed that) there is no obligation to NOT date them as a new dating partner. Because, you know, the new love interest might marry them, and that's what REALLY matters to Dennis Prager, even though, quite obviously, the marriage might not last.

Now, I am of the mindset that nobody should assume monogamy, and I'd advise most men decline to agree to monogamy unless they're foolish enough to marry or raise children. But I must reply to some of Dennis Prager's statements.

High School Reunions and Keeping in Touch With Classmates

Does your high school class have reunions? Does your high school have general reunions or have an alumni association that does? Should you go to them?

With social media, we can keep in touch with any classmates or fellow alumni we want to. Still, there can be a social dynamic that happens with in-person mingling with a wider mix of classmates that can't happen on social media or meeting up with just a few classmates.

Obviously, if high school was hell for you because you had few friends or positive acquaintances, you don't have a good reason to go - other than to show off and rub it into the faces of those who mistreated you or rejected you that you're successful/happy now, if you are.

That brings me to three reasons why you might go, in no particular order.

1) To hook up

2) Business networking

3) To show off

If you'd have to travel, you have to think if it is worth it. Reunions, like Proms, have been given mythical status by Hollywood, but for most people they don't amount to much of anything.

Have a bunch of old friends you want to get together? You can set that up outside of an official reunion.

Whether wanting to hook up, get a job, or sell something, you can have an edge simply because you went to the same high school (which usually means, simply because of where your parents chose to live at that time).

Let's talk about hooking up.

Positions Dr. Laura Takes That Might Surprise Some

Both critics and supporters of Dr. Laura who think she's some religion-driven ultraconservative might be surprised if they listen to closely to her radio program. It helps to understand that she's coming from a position of what is best for children and makes a good society, not pushing a right-wing or Religious Right agenda.

Let's look at what might surprise some people.

Dennis Prager Looks At Marriage Like a Job

Dennis Prager looks at marriage like a job. He has said so on multiple occasions. As with actual jobs, he thinks everyone should get married and to do so as soon as they can, they should leave the marriage (fire their spouse) if the spouse doesn't do their duties, and then get married again to someone else. Thus, it isn't hypocritical for him to be in his third marriage.

Most people need actual jobs because they need the compensation (money, benefits, etc.) Most men don't need to be married. Certainly, the compensation provided doesn't warrant the "labor."

Men like Dennis Prager and his former fellow Salem host Michael Medved like to portray men as hapless without a wife. Maybe they were hapless without a wife. Plenty of men can do just fine without one. It's never been easier! I was doing GREAT without a wife. Also the solution to men having difficulty thriving as unmarried is to teach them how to thrive while unmarried, not tell them to sign a terrible state contract.

Dennis Prager and those who think like him on this subject will say men have an obligation to marry, because it does things like tames them, makes them grow, and it is the best way to raise children (and they also see raising children as an obligation). But men can be tamed and can grow without marriage. They also see it as man's obligation to pay a woman's way through life so she won't be dependent on government, or at least pay her for sex, and they see marriage as facilitating that. Again, how about teaching women how to be independent? You can still pay women for sex without a terrible state contract. These things have been addressed at length on this blog before.

Dennis Prager sees marriage as a tool to get people to behave how he wants them to behave. I say there are better ways to handle that, including persuasion.

He is emotionally tied into the idea that being a husband makes a man better, going back to when he'd see the married men in his childhood religious congregation wearing shawls that the unmarried men didn't. It is so ingrained in his emotions and memories that he is unlikely to accept the present day realities for most men.

Author of Men on Strike Interviewed at NRO

[This entry is an interesting time capsule from September 2013. I'm bumping it up because it is interesting to me to go back and see what my observations and thinking were, and what was in media, at the time.]

* * * * * * *

I've heard two interviews with Helen Smith about her book Men on Strike, one by Tom Leykis and one by Michael Medved, who have very different goals and perspectives than each other. Kathryn Jean Lopez of National Review Online interviewed Smith and the interview is up.

Most men who are consciously on a marriage strike are also going to avoid having (more) children and they will try to influence other men boys to do the same.

Obviously, if this idea catches on and sticks, it means fewer thinking, responsible, productive men getting married and raising children. That's a problem for governments, churches, and all of the people who depend on such men, especially dependent or lazy women, or women desperate to have children who do not want to raise them without a man. So some people have a bit of a panic about this.

Of course, the marriage strike can be ended if there is a successful effort to mitigate the concerns of the strikers. But how likely is that to happen?

Yes, I'm a Christian and I believe the Bible. The most persuasive Biblical argument I've heard that men are required to marry, if possible, and have children, is that we are told to go forth and multiply to spread God's image (that's people) all over the world. However, hasn't that been done? Mission accomplished in that regard. Taking the Bible as a whole, there simply is no requirement that men today marry and have children. What many Christian leaders will say is that men can't control themselves and since fornication is so awful, they should marry. A lot of these same people would tell me I got married with the wrong attitude because I married because I wanted to have sex (and because I wanted to be a father who gave his children the best circumstances I could.)

Some marriage strikers are Christian. Some are atheists, or have some other worldview. Some swear off women entirely, others indulge in fornication. Some have never had a desire to marry. Some have a desire to marry and have children, but that desire is trumped by their concerns about the legal system and culture. Some want to avoid marriage so they can goof off, others want to avoid marriage because it slows down their work as very important scientists. It's a diverse group.

Anyway, here are some excerpts of the interview:

LOPEZ: Who are “White Knights” and “Uncle Tims” and why are they a problem?

SMITH: White Knights are typically conservative men who are chivalrous and always trying to protect women and have no problem with biased laws that punish men while protecting women. Uncle Tims are generally liberal guys looking to get sex or political favors by being male sellouts to their own gender. They are the Bill Clinton types who crack down on their own gender, using biased laws such as sexual harassment while sleeping with women and using them.

Terms like "mangina" and "beta" get thrown around in some circles.

LOPEZ: How has the Obama administration curbed due-process rights of men on campus?

SMITH: The Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights sent out a “Dear Colleague” letter in 2011 telling colleges that take federal funds that they should use a lower preponderance-of-evidence standard in sexual-assault cases. Basically it is “50 percent plus one,” meaning that a campus tribunal can decide a young man is guilty with less certainty than is needed in a criminal trial. Read the case of Judith Grossman’s son in the Wall Street Journal to find out more about how young men are believed to be guilty without a fair trial or real evidence.

Outrageous.

Ladies, do you care about your brothers? Your sons?

* * * * * * *

[Now I am more stridently in support of the marriage strike.]

I STILL Need A Vacation

I went back and read this entry from March 2018, titled "I Need A Vacation."

It's been over four years since that was posted.

The closest I've gotten to a true vacation since that was posted was about three days over a weekend that I spent helping a friend do something out of state. There were some relaxing hours, but it wasn't like the whole thing was relaxing. It was a lot of work. But at least I got to hang out with my friend.

My kids have, separately, spent time away with family, like a few days or a week at a time. My wife has taken one of the kids for a long weekend convention a couple of times. I took one of the kids to an event a couple hour's drive away that involved an overnight away. I also took one of the kids on an exhausting field trip that lasted multiple days. One of the kids has been away for camps lasting almost a week at longest.

We haven't had a family vacation.

We haven't had a couple's vacation.

I haven't had a vacation for me.

We've done some fun things as a family that haven't taken us away from home for the better part of a day. These excursions aren't relaxing for me because I have to handle my wife and keep track of the kids.

It's extremely rare for my wife and I to so much as go to dinner without the kids.

There are many reasons for all of this. It isn't that I haven't suggested more dates with the wife. It isn't that I wouldn't want to take family trips.

For one thing, It's the reality of having pets. I expressed reluctance about getting more pets as our previous pets neared the end of their lives, precisely because of the restrictions it would place on travel, the expense, and the mess. And I was right, but basically I was overruled.

More so, though, it's the reality of the family dynamics. We haven't been able to leave the kids with the same babysitter, meaning we have to make multiple arrangements to have the kids with others, and taking the kids along for things makes everything more expensive, of course.

And of course some of the time we were under lockdowns.

What has really helped the last couple of years is working from home, which has only been successful because I've been able to go into a home office and close the door, and only be interrupted with texts and knocks on the door. Fortunately, I can still work well even as I have to "put out fires" and handle interspersed chores and errands. It has been a help to NOT have to commute for work and attend in-person meetings that also required driving from one place to another. In that sense, the lockdowns and subsequent enabling of remote work have been a help to me.

Still, as the week goes along, I find myself getting exhausted and needing downtime. But I don't want my kids stuck at home all the time, so I take them places and that's tiring for me.

I STILL need a vacation. No vacations are planned.

This is the life of husband and father.

Attention Newlywed Men

Hello, Gentlemen.

June is wedding season. Did you just get married?

Are you already regretting it?

Maybe you think it is the best thing you've ever done. Yeah, that's what you think for now.

Especially if you do not have children with this woman, you need to keep something in mind. How much alimony you'll have to pay her often depends on how long the marriage continues. For example, there are states that say if you were married for six years, you have to pay alimony for three years. Eight years of marriage means four years of alimony. In states like California, ten years of marriage can mean lifetime alimony.

So, the clock is ticking.

Don't let embarrassment, or thinking of it as "failure" or "quitting" if you get out now, or the sunk costs (how much you spent on the wedding, honeymoon, etc.) stop you from getting out sooner rather than later. It would be better to be free, and free sooner, than live a life of quiet misery. get stuck with years and years of alimony, and spend far more money on things she wants as the years ago by.

Things aren't going to get any better than they are now. Likely, they will get worse. People say things got better over time are usually saying that they stopped caring about what they needed, wanted, and their dreams, and developed tolerance to the misery. Guys often forget what freedom was like. Don't let that happen to you!

If you don't have children with her, do not get her pregnant if you're having doubts that marrying her was a good idea.

Much of the advice in this post applies to how to get out. But you definitely need to consult with a family law attorney, since you signed a state legal document (most likely).

How Was Your Father's Day?

 
So, how was your Father's Day?

Comment below, whether you're a dad or know a dad you were with for Father's Day or you did something for a father you know.

It Is NOT a Public Health Crisis

The latest tactic (or, at least, the latest that I've noticed [this entry was bumped up and was published a couple of years ago]) of "anti-porn" activists is claiming it is a "public health crisis" and seeking to have it declared as such by governments. Doing things like this might rile up the people who already agree with them, but it makes them look extremely foolish and lessens their credibility. It's also feeds a problematic trend, as David Boaz of the Cato Institute points out so well here.

Tactics matter. The tactics used  to get what you want can also be used by others to get what they want. Live by the sword, die by the sword. Hmm, here have I heard that expression before?

Boaz leads off with what prompted him to write:

A Republican National Convention platform committee has declared pornography “a public health crisis.” Committee members don’t seem to know what “public health” means.

Lately it’s been liberal Democrats who have applied the “public health” label to everything they don’t like — smoking, obesity, venereal disease, motorcycle accidents, and more. They see “public health” as a blank check for government action.

Exactly. By claiming it is a "public health crisis" the people who pushed for this to be in the party platform are hoping they can make this an exception to the desire for smaller government. Here's the danger to the party: Millions of people view porn and then don't perceive there to be any problem as a result, so when a party platform calls it a public health crisis, they think the party leaders are being stupid.

Dennis Prager Gets a Call From A Clueless Woman, Pushes Marriage

During the open lines third hour of today's Dennis Prager Show (October 4, 2019), he got a call from  "Anne in Dallas". I really wish Anne would have called Dr. Laura instead. [This entry has been bumped up. I wonder how "Anne" is doing now?]

Anne was never asked, and never directly revealed, whether or not she has children, wants children, or her age. She did indicate that she's been looking for a traditional husband (= walking ATM) for many years. There was no indication she has ever been married before (sounds like she hasn't) or if she'd been riding the carousel until she got religion.

But she's dating a 48 year-old man "off and on" for two years who has been married three times already, the longest marriage being four years.

Right there, Dr. Laura probably would have laughed and her and then hung up.

Doesn't Take My Breath Away

 

 

 

Here's something that reinforces the point I made here.

 
A woman posted on Facebook bemoaning that Kelly McGillis wasn't in "Top Gun: Maverick."

Some people are responding by saying the McGillis hasn't had much of a movie career in years. But, really, she could have been brought back for this movie if the producers wanted to do that.

It would have been embarrassing, though. 

 

She played Tom Cruise's love interest in the original. Tom has aged very well, and has no doubt worked very hard at maintaining his appearance. He's recognizable as the same person from the original movie. These pictures of McGillis are how she looked in the original, and her looking her best now. Notice it's pretty much a head shot. You can search for pictures of what she looks like these days, if you want.

This isn't a Hollywood problem. This is reality.

The reality is, time is on the side of men.

McGillis, it turns out, doesn't care about attracting men in her personal life. But her personal life isn't the totality of the movie industry. The woman who wrote this said she wanted to see McGillis and thinks she's beautiful. Well, I don't think McGillis is ugly. But this movie isn't a chick flick. It's a movie targeted at men who like military movies and jets, and targeted at women who want to see Tom Cruise. Most of those women wouldn't want to see McGillis, at least not as Tom Cruise's current or past love interest.

McGillis may be a very decent and sweet person. I have no idea. I've never met her and I've never heard anything about her other than what's out there in the general public.

The writer of that lament wants people to stop noticing that most women hit the wall. Isn't going to happen. She might as well tell women they should marry poor men shorter than themselves (and yeah, I know Cruise is short). This is reality. Most men find younger women who aren't overweight most attractive. And most women won't agree to be exclusive with a man who isn't taller, stronger, and richer than she is. Older women, regardless of appearance, can be very significant members of society, great friends and neighbors, and all of that. But they're usually not going to be the main love interest in mainstream movies, even if men their age are.

Want McGillis featured on the big screen as a love interest or otherwise as attractive? Collaborate with  and produce something for her. "Top Gun" isn't it.

Big Thanks

A big thanks to the person or people who linked to this blog within the last few days. My visits shot way up. I'm not enough of a tech nerd to have anything in place that tells me exactly where the link was placed. If you want to let me know, comment below (you comment doesn't have to be published... let me know if you DON'T want it published. Thanks again!

A Running List of Reasons Given By My Wife

This will be a running list, in no particular order, of reasons or excuses my wife (and maybe yours!) gives to NOT make love or have sex. As I've written in other entries, we're down to about once every three weeks, and usually it's a mercy session.

Some of these reasons might be legitimate some of the time; I'll grant that. But cumulatively, it is rather sad, given that this is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable "gift from the Lord" that is supposed to be a major benefit to marriage that, in turns, strengthens marriage and is good for our health and all of the other stuff.

Now, I know how the world works. The average man wants sex more than the average woman, and the same holds true for our little microcosm: I want sex more than my wife. Traditionally, on a societal level, this has either been handled through official polygny or through mistresses, concubines, or prostitution. Or, even if monogamous, there has been an agreement, whether tacit or explicit, that marriage is an exchange. The wife has agreed to sex as often as the husband wants it (in addition to cooking and making sure the household chores are done) because he's protecting her, providing for her, and keeping the children in line (even with just the threat of what'll happen when Dad comes home). This agreement seems to have been abandoned for the most part, which is one reason why most men shouldn't bother to marry. I'm fulfilling my end of the bargain, however.

I'm sure there are some snarky types out there who will read these and tell me that if I was a more considerate and all-around better lover, I wouldn't hear these excuses so often. See, that's what I'd believe, too, if I didn't have the experiences of my wayward youth. I know it isn't me. And I have solicited her thoughts and feelings during neutral times (away from lovemaking situations) about what I can do to make things easier and more enjoyable for her. The bottom line is that, whether because of her medications or some other reason, she doesn't like sex much. She pretended to be craving sexual affection before we married, and still somewhat until we had our children, because she wanted the guarantee of my financial support. Once she had it, she no longer had to pretend. She will not say it that way, but that's the harsh truth. (And it is the harsh truth for a lot of men. I suspect the real reason prostitutes are put down is because they deliver when they're paid and paid women who don't deliver hate that.)

Same goes for "You should be romancing her. I bet you're not taking her out on dates like you did before you married!" Hey, I've tried. She shoots down dates, she doesn't want flowers, and she doesn't want me drawing a nice bath for her.

Feel free to add your own reasons or excuses in the comments, even if you're a woman whose husband is rejecting her.

Since this is a running list it will be updated and bumped up from time to time, and I'll elaborate on some excuses.

Dennis Prager, Devout Christians, and Divorce

As I've pointed out before, Dennis Prager is not a hypocrite on divorce. His critics love to point out he's been divorced twice (so far), but Dennis has never said people shouldn't divorce. He does say people should marry and that if it is miserable or the contract, as he sees it, isn't being upheld, they should divorce (so they can marry someone else).

The problem is, the company for which Mr. Prager, a believing Jew, primarily works in radio, Salem, is a Christian company, quite aligned with Evangelicalism. While it still happens a lot, divorce is strongly discouraged in Evangelicalism and it is looked down upon. Mr. Prager says he doesn't understand why it is looked down upon and discouraged. Evangelicals and similar believers cite Jesus' words in the Bible (Matthew 5:32 and 19:9) that divorce is only permitted in the event of "marital unfaithfulness" or "sexual immorality" depending on which translation is being used. In this case, "marital unfaithfulness" is referring to sexual matters, not simply being a bad spouse. What exactly is entailed in "sexual immorality" is debated, although Evangelical leaders will usually (publicly, if not in personal behavior) define that as "having sex with anyone other than your spouse, including threesomes and swinging with your spouse, and looking at porn."

It Might Be OK to Get Married If...

It might be OK to get married if...

• You know for sure she's infertile
• You will each maintain separate residences and she has signed quitclaim deeds to any properties you own
  
• You will not co-mingle finances
  
• She has signed, on video, with her lawyer present, and with a judge going over it with her, an iron-clad prenup before a wedding date was set
• You do not agree to exclusivity, so she can't control whether or not you are going to go on dates or have sex
  

Otherwise, marrying is far too risky for most men and most men have no good reason to marry.

Who Is Right About Staying Together For the Kids - Dr. Laura or Dennis Prager?

Dr. Laura's priority is the well-being of minor children. She has experience as a marriage and family therapist, although she's far more experienced as a radio talk show host and author dealing with family problems, moral dilemmas, values, ethics, and more.

Absent actual abuse, she tells married parents who want to divorce to wait until the youngest child is 18 years old, up and out of the home. Her reasoning is that this avoids breaking up the child's home and bring chaos into their lives while they are minors.

Dennis Prager, who says people should divorce instead of living in misery, says that it can be worse for the children to be in their (adult) late teens or early twenties and then have their parents split, because then the now-grown children think of their family life as fake or a lie, and they can still get extremely upset about the divorce.

It should be noted that Dennis Prager, who has no formal experience as a marriage and family therapist and has written much less on parenting/family and spends fewer talk show hours discussing those issues, has had more children than Dr. Laura and one more divorce than her (Dr. Laura was not a mother when her first marriage ended).

It's one of the things I would very much like to hear these two radio talk show host veterans discuss directly. I doubt that will ever happen since their shows aren't part of the same company. Also, because Dr. Laura refuses to argue/debate on her show, and my guess is that would also include any other show as well (this is probably one big reason she hasn't appeared on anyone else's show in many years, except for one on the same channel as hers - on which she doesn't argue.)

Unlike either of them, I would advocate most people avoid this question entirely by not marrying.

Motivation For Going Childfree

I wanted to take a moment to address a comment that was left after this page asking for one good reason for men to marry.

 Here's the comment:

The question you should really also ask is:
Why would you want to have children? If you really feel the urge to raise one or more, adopt them, there are waaaaay to many parentless kids out there. And when push comes to shove; Putting a child onto this horrible planet is more like a crime than "something that should be done". Humans are overpopulating, overconsuming its resources, wasting away the planet as it is, and it will take ages (and many pandemics) to have them scale down a bit. Here's my advice (after putting one daughter into this world, and still being together with the same woman I had the child with): DON'T commit yourself to one woman, and DON'T have children. It's going to be bad to bear witness to what the child has to go through, and it's going to be bad to realize your favorite woman stops being attracted to you, or vice versa. Staying together 'for or because of the children' is horror for how it will grow up.

I did write an entry asking if it is now irresponsible to have children. But that has nothing to do with environmentalism, population growth, or the general state of life in this world. It does have to do with the latter part of the comment: being tied to a woman and not being able to provide the child with a present mother and father, happily together.

We are not an overpopulated planet.

We are not in an environmental crisis, and human ingenuity will continue to address environmental challenges.

In some parts of the world, life is pretty good overall (was, especially before the lockdowns).

The problems we have right now include that the state has taken ownership of children while still placing all blame and billing on the parents; misandry and opposition to masculinity; a lack of responsible, appropriate, and genuine femininity; emasculating laws and culture; and detrimental family laws and courts (among others). Most people can't give a coherent, logical, rational, unselfish reason to have children, and most men shouldn't have children. A lot of people will not think this through, though, and will still have intercourse without taking steps to avoid conception, so most people, at least for a while, will continue to keep having children regardless.

Round and Round the Circle Goes

On yesterday's (September 25, 2019) show. one of my favorite talk show hosts, Dr. Laura, again expressed concerns about parents acting in way that will not, as a side effect, discourage their children from marrying. This is probably because she wants children raised within marriages. Why not encourage people to remain child free? [This entry has been bumped up.]

Early in the call, which was from a woman divorcing her husband, Dr. Laura talked about the importance of the "until death do us part" vows, but as the caller explained her reason for divorcing (financial), the importance of those vows evaporated. At this point, I don't think I could make a diagram about when the vows matter in Dr. Laura's view and when they don't. But I digress...

Dr. Laura consistently has stated that one good reason to stay married is to give the children of that marriage hope to have a lasting marriage someday. This call was one of the frequent calls in which there's a divorce, but Dr. Laura still wants the parents to talk to their kids in a way that will encourage the children to think they won't go through divorce if they marry.

You Don't Need a Wife

Guys, you don't need a wife.

You might think you do for any number or combination of reasons (you can skip these reasons and go down to how you can have a great life without a wife if you'd like):

1) You're stuck in some mindset that's based on a bygone (if it ever really existed) era. In this mindset, "everyone" gets married, it's shameful or sad if you don't, and husband and wife work as a team with a tidy division of labor, with the wife providing her husband with admiration, respect, support, sex, children, and a "made" home, and the husband providing for the wife income and certain domestic labor, protection, and muscle in raising the children.* You grow old together. Very few marriages are like this anymore. Most women are not prepared to be that kind of wife, and guys don't need to marry to get what they want. The culture in general has changed, more and more people are living more and more of their life outside of marriage, and there's a good chance she'll divorce you no matter what you do.

2) You were socialized to think you did. Whether it was and is your parents, your peers, a religious organization in which you were raised, or the media (especially with the highly unrealistic romcoms), you were told by others that you're supposed to have a wife. But this is your decision to make,  and you are the one who will live with the consequences.

3) You don't have your act together and you think a wife will make up for your shortcomings. Even if she seems to like taking care of things for you now, there's hardly any woman who really, sincerely, wants to be your Mommy and the resentment and backlash will wreak havoc sometime after you sign on that dotted line. You can get your act together and take care of your stuff without being married. See How To Do It below.

4) A woman you're having sex with wants you to marry her. Whether she's your "girlfriend" or "significant other" or "partner" or whatever, she indicates she wants to get married. Of course she does! Getting married has guaranteed benefits for her. But it's a bad deal for you. Don't let her decide what your life is going to be like. If you're just seeing her, the only thing she controls is whether or not she's going to have sex with you. If she moves in, she controls much more of your life, and if you marry her, she'll be almost entirely in control of your life. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN, not even by stealth. Once she does, she'll be hinting, suggesting, or outright nagging about getting married, trying to tell you that you might as well get married, or getting married will make things netter. She shouldn't even know where your place is, but if you have her over she should never be allowed to spend the night, receive mail or shipments there, leave things there, etc.

5) A woman you're spending a lot of time with wants you to marry her. See immediately above. You can find friendship and companionship with others, without signing a legal contract that is nothing but trouble for you.

6) You think you need a wife for sex. You can get all the sex you want without being married. Being married actually makes it less likely you'll get all of the sex you want. UNLESS... you live by a moral code that sex is for marriage. And if that's the case, you're not having sex already, right? Right? If you want to START living by that moral code, any woman you're having sex with now isn't the right woman to do that with. If you already are living by that code, think long and hard if wanting sex is worth getting married, keeping in mind that the sex could be bad and could be ended entirely, even if you do "everything" right.

7) You think you need a wife for children. Studies do correlate positive indicators for children with being raised by married parents. As with sex, though, you need to decide if your desire to raise children under the best circumstances for them is worth getting married.

When it comes right down to it, most men can't give a logical,  positive reason why they think they should get married.

So don't do it. Stay unmarried.

How To Do It

Is He A Masochist?

Today's Dear Abby was a doozy. SCARED OF COURT IN CALIFORNIA wrote:

DEAR ABBY: I went through something that caused me a tremendous amount of pain and most of my wealth. I am still making monthly payments because of this, and will likely have to do so for the rest of my life. Also, about once a year, I go through a lot of additional expense and pain because of this thing I went through.

In addition to this, I am now paying for all the expenses of another able-bodied adult. This other person wants me to legally sign over half of my earnings to them. They also want me to do something that has over a 70-percent chance of resulting in a repeat of that original traumatic event.

What should I do?

OK, that's not the actual letter, but it might as well have been. See for yourself:

Yet Another Thing to Check Out If You're Thinking of Marrying

Guys, most of you shouldn't marry. There are many reasons why I say that. Here's just one of many: Dead Bedrooms.

Read up! That could easily be YOU!

Imagine signing away over half your earnings, handing over control of your life and home, and you get a dead bedroom.

JUST SAY NO!

Stay free!

When the Nest Gets Empty

Guys, did you leave your marriage when your youngest child reached 18, graduated high school, or left the nest? Were you waiting for that to happen? Are you planning to leave when that happens? Did you consider it, but stayed? If you stayed, did you make changes to what you'd tolerate from your wife, or how you behaved?

You can share your experiences and thoughts in the comment area below. You can be anonymous if you'd like, or write a comment for me that you don't want published (make it clear you don't want it published, if you don't).

I ask those questions above because it is something I think about. I have kids to raise, and absent what I'd count as a "strike three," I'm going to keep the family intact until the youngest is a legal adult and done with high school.

But I'm not sure what I'll do after that. I figured there are four basic options for me:

One Exception To "You Knew This Before You Married"

When Dr. Laura has a caller complaining about something in their marriage, she will almost always have one of these two statements as part of her response, even if she uses different wording:

1) You knew this about them before you married them.

2) You didn't spend enough time getting to know them before you married them. 

Usually, it is true. I do maintain, though that people: 1) CAN hide who they truly are, and especially a bad habit, for the 24-33 months she recommends before marrying, and 2) people can be changed negatively by illness or trauma.

But what I wanted to talk about was sex. 

One Way to Warn More Men

If you identify at all with MGTOW or agree with me that most men should stay Free Men (avoiding legal/financial entanglements with women) or at least avoid marriage, one way to get our messages out to more men is to use established platforms, such as online discussions, comments sections, and call-in shows (like talk radio).

Getting a single sentence broadcast can help change lives for the better. If you can red-pill just one man or boy listening, it makes a positive difference. Any show doing an hour or whatever of "open lines" (no set topic) is an opportunity, but especially shows or spaces talking about relationships, dating, family, or marriage.

I wrote an extensive open letter to Dennis Prager, but I'd never call in to his show, for reasons, but you might be able to. Although I'll be using Dennis Prager and Dr. Laura as examples, you can adapt these tactics to any call-in show, preferably one that puts "live" calls on the air. Note that Dennis Prager does live question and answer chats on Facebook and Dr. Laura's show has a Facebook page where she allows comments and discussions on things she posts, which are often about relationships and marriage. You can adapt these messages for any forum, social media, or comments area. 

Dr. Laura Asked If Men Are Idiots for Marrying

On her Tuesday, March 22, 2022 program, Dr. Laura read part of something from Jordan Gray found at Good Men Project. It was titled "I Used To Think That Men Who Got Married Were Idiots."

I used to think that men who got married were idiots.

Or, if they weren’t idiots, they were at least undesirable enough that they just had to settle for whoever chose them… because why else would you tie yourself to someone for life if the reason weren’t that you didn’t have any other romantic options?

I mean, seriously… getting married??

Okay so… you get a couple of months of hot sex, in exchange for a lifetime of indentured servitude to someone who eventually takes you for granted and sees you as a walking wallet and then stops having sex with you and makes jokes with her friends about what a dumbass you are? And that’s if you even manage to stay together… because what’s even more likely is that she eventually leaves you, takes the kids, and steals half of your life savings in the process.

Who in their right mind would sign up for such a thing?

Didn’t these guys realize that, if you really break down the benefits of marriage into their fundamental components, you could hire out all of these needs for way less money than what your lifestyle of snotty nosed kids and inevitable divorce would cost you?

And I’m not speaking hyperbolically here!

Here, I’ll prove it to you…

You could hire someone to come to your house to do a deep clean every other week for, depending on the size of your house, let’s say $200/month.

You don’t want to cook for yourself? Okay, you could hire a meal prepping service who could make your lunches and dinners (you can fend for yourself with a super simple breakfast) for $2,000/month.

Okay, cooking and cleaning are taken care of for less than the cost of your mortgage payment… what’s left? Oh right, the big one. Sex!

Depending on how fancy you are and the legality of sex work in your local area, you could see a sex worker every week for the rest of your life and spend no more than $1-2,000 per month on that expense.

So if you tally up the monthly costs of outsourcing predictable, guaranteed, high-quality cooking, cleaning, and sex… you’re looking at no more than $50,000 per year in total expenses. Now, that might sound like a lot to some in the short-term… but if you compare that to the average cost of raising children, and the amount of money you’ll inevitably have to shell out in your divorce, this is an absolute bargain.

That's where she stopped reading. She took calls from men after that, asking them "Are men idiots for getting married?" At first, she wanted calls from married men, but she had trouble getting enough calls, so she took them from any men (who passed the screeners). The thing is, Dr. Laura promotes marriage. When she deviates from her program's usual format for things like this, she wants a specific answer. It isn't really her trying to give people time to say whatever they want. She will deny anything that goes against her point.

Gray's essay was pretty good up until that point. I waited for her to go back to finish reading the piece, but she never did. Let's see why.

The Biggest Reason for Men to Remain Child-Free

Yes, children are expensive, tiring, and limiting, but the biggest reason not to have any children is that they should be raised within a good marriage, and a good marriage is now too rare or too costly. The sad, brutal truth is that you're not likely to be able to provide children with a happy, stable, intact, nurturing, loving, married mother-and-father home in which you are a genuinely happy participant.

We are naturally child-free. We have to do something (and things have to go right) in order for us to have children. The question should not be "Why don't I have children?" but rather "Why should I have children?" You shouldn't, unless you can 1) explain exactly why you want to have children in a logical, coherent, rational, unselfish explanation; and 2) have reasonable certainty you can provide any children you have with a happy, stable, intact, nurturing, loving, married mother-and-father home. Most people can't manage 1. Most people who think they can manage 2 are wrong.

Even if we can be determined to be a good spouse and parent, even if we think we're choosing a spouse wisely and treating that spouse kindly, we can be fooled or fooling ourselves, or our spouse can suffer and illness or trauma that proves fatal to the marriage, or at least the positive environment of the marriage.

The biggest reason for men to remain child-free is to avoid entering into a detrimental partnership with a woman and to avoid being tied to a woman for the rest of his life, regardless of what she does. Stay free.

Shocker: People Who Will Stay Together Longer More Likely to Marry

Our "friends" at the Institute for Family Studies published another marriage-seller piece, this one by Harry Benson, who is Research Director of the UK-based Marriage Foundation.

After all, marriage rates have been falling across the developed world since the 1970s.

Good.

Cohabitation has become normalized.

Shacking up is almost as bad as marrying. Don't do it, guys.

People talk about long-term committed couples and relationships as the equivalent of marriage.

What makes something marriage, if not committing to be together?

To What Should Males Aspire?

I recently heard Dennis Prager ask to what men would aspire if not marriage and raising a family. He's repeatedly said that guys are not real men if they aren't husbands and fathers. This is something heard from various corners of our culture, along with other assertion of what makes a guy a "real man". [This entry has been bumped up.]

Notice you never hear what makes a real woman. You never hear "What a real woman does, is..."

What is a guy if he isn't a real man? An artificial man? A transgender man? Of course, that's not what people are talking about. They are saying a "real man" as opposed to a man who is somehow lacking, or, as they might say, a "boy". There's nothing wrong with boys, at least not beyond the general thing of humans being fallen creatures. Again, you don't hear this with women. Women will refer to each other and themselves as girls and nothing negative is meant by it.

A real man is any adult human male who isn't fictional. For example, Prince Charming is fictional. Christian Grey is fictional. Jack Sparrow is fictional.

If there was such thing as a "real man" as opposed to an adult male who isn't a real man, that real man wouldn't give a piece of dung what other people say makes a real man. because when someone says, "What a real man does, is...",  what they're saying is "What I like men to do is..." Because real men urinate unless they have kidney problems, real man have weaknesses, and real men mess things up sometimes. But you'll never hear "What a real man does is urinate." But it's true.

Getting back to Prager's question...

Open Letter to Dennis Prager Regarding Encouraging Men to Marry

Dear Dennis Prager:

I'm a married father, and I earn my family's income. I wanted to get married, I was careful about who I sought as a spouse[1], and, statistically, we married at the right ages and were on track to have a successful marriage[2]. We both wanted to have children, and we did. Prior to having the children or even getting married, we agreed on how they'd be raised.

I've been gainfully employed since I was in high school, and even spent several years before I married working over seventy hours per week. I moved out of my parents' home for college shortly after graduating from high school and never moved back.

I haven't played video games since early adolescence. I have never abused alcohol or any mind-altering substances. I've read through the Bible multiple times and have studied it for decades. I have been a regular participant in adult fellowships at church that centered on marrieds and married parents, and I was steeped in the "Focus on the Family" outlook on family life. I have voted for conservative Republicans whenever I could since as soon as I could vote. I'm a longtime regular listener to your show (a P1, for sure), a reader of your columns, and have purchased and read through at least one of your books.

I've watched the Prager U videos dealing with marriage and male-female relations multiple times.

I say all of that to let you know where I'm coming from. I'm a supporter, not a hater.

Now, my point.

It's irresponsible and unfair for you to say men aren't real men unless they marry.

It is my position that most men shouldn't marry, and those who don't are still real men.

There are many men who marry because they are too weak, passive, desperate, or unwilling to be responsible for themselves. Almost all men who legally marry these days are ignorant, delusional, or masochists.[3]