Mind Games

One of the blogs in my blogroll is "A Shrink For Men". It bills itself as "a blog for professional men in complicated relationships and dissatisfying careers combining psychology, insight, humor, irony, sexuality, and social commentary."

Although geared towards men, the ladies can find some important insight there – and it could be helpful to a brother, son, or friend.

I want to call special attention to this recent entry there, entitled "How Abusive Women Brainwash You". Some of the techniques described are also employed by abusive men, but men no doubt have other techniques women don’t tend to use. I am fascinated by brainwashing, but also groupthink and cultic behavior – which can both go hand in hand with brainwashing. A group doesn’t have to be overtly religious to be cultic – it could be a political group, a club, even just a bunch of people starting out as friends.

Here's a snippet from the essay, but I implore you to check out the whole thing.

You question your judgment, perceptions and sense of reality. She tells you she loves you yet continues to treat you horribly. You believe she loves you and that you must be a colossal jerk for her to always be so upset. If she's successfully isolated you or gotten you to isolate yourself, you can’t reality test her version of events or receive outside support. By this time, she's made you totally dependent upon her and solely focused upon pleasing her, gaining her approval and avoiding her wrath or disapproval. You probably feel completely alone. Alternatively, if you're still in contact with friends and family, you fear that if you tell them what's going on that they wouldn't believe you or wouldn’t understand.

Married Men Get More Sex - Part One

The studies and statistics say they do (see here and here for just two examples), and this is one of the "selling points" of marriage. But statistics aren't guarantees of individual reality.

To again paraphrase what was said over at The Opine Editorials, which was about health correlating to marriage, and I paraphrased on this blog to look at wealth correlating to marriage, perhaps it is the men who have more sex or have the potential to have more sex who get married:

As a married man, I'd like to believe that marriage does [increase the frequency of sex], as many studies report. But I do have to wonder if the correlation is entirely one-directional, or if [sexual] people or people [more likely to have sex more often] are more likely to get married in the first place? I mean, all other things being equal, who is attracted to and wants to marry someone who is [asexual, unattractive, has a low sex drive, or is somehow incapable of having frequent sex]? While we can get averages, we can't compare me, a married father at my age, to me at the same age having never been married or a father. We can't compare John Doe #1, unmarried and childless at his age, to John Doe #1, same age, married and with children.

Maybe the healthier, wealthier people are more likely to get married and more likely to have sex?

I'm going to evaluate my own experiences with this topic. Once again for the record, yes, as an unmarried man I fornicated. No, I do not endorse fornication. I never really have, even though I did it myself. I do believe that sex is for marriage, and that I was wrong to fornicate. I also believe that overeating is wrong, yet I do that sometimes, too. I no longer fornicate and didn't for a while before I met my wife.

If you can't handle that I will be writing about my fornication or marital lovemaking, then skip the rest of this entry.

The fact is, though, that I did fornicate, and I know exactly what I did and didn't do, so I'm going to draw upon my own personal experiences. Note: At no time through all of this did I ever shack up. I didn't even live with my wife until we married.

I had three long-term girlfriends, including one who was significantly older than me. With the first one, I had about 17 months of regular sexual activity, as I did with the second one. With the third one, I had about 37 months. There were significant gaps in time between the three relationships – spells that that were almost entirely dry, and I'm including in those dry spells the time I wasn't having sex with the second and third girlfriends. From losing my virginity to when regular sex ended with the third girlfriend, a total of 100 months passed.

With each girlfriend, I almost always had sex about 3-4 times a week, usually involving sleeping over[1]. So I figure 14 times a month is an accurate enough, though conservative number, for a total of 994 times. Averaging that out over 100 months total, we get and average of 9.94 times per month.

I have been married for over six years. There may have been a time in our marriage, like the beginning, during which we were having sex 3-4 times per week[2]. Then certain things got in the way. My wife had workplace problems that brought on depression for many months. She had a bout with a recurring illness. We've been through two pregnancies[3], followed by two births, two breastfeeding regimens, and now we have two young kids. From what I've heard, some women get extra horny during pregnancy. No so with my wife. Pregnancy mostly reduced her drive to nothing, and breastfeeding kept it reduced, and mostly meant her breasts were off limits. Having two little kids around, as most parents can vouch, greatly reduces the energy and time windows for sex. I should note here that I thought my wife was especially beautiful and sexy while pregnant and nursing, and seeing my children emerge from her vagina in no way reduced my attraction to her – it probably increased it.

My wife doesn't work outside of the home anymore (which is good – she stopped before even getting pregnant the first time), but still keeps different sleeping hours than mine, and orgasms keep her awake. This further restricts our sex life. We're not at a place where the kids will both go to sleep (and fall asleep) the same time (or just before)I do, which would enable my wife to "put me to sleep" and enjoy the aftereffects of her own climax before she finally retires herself later on. I suppose I could set my alarm to wake up early and initiate, but I've never been good performing that way on a time limit, and the kids are more likely to interrupt, and it would deprive my wife of a considerable amount of sleep[4]. Is there a solution here that I'm not seeing???

The Bottom Line (no pun intended)...

We've been having quick, rather vanilla/repetitive/almost clinical, once-a-week, mostly one-sided sessions for quite a while now, usually involving her waking me up from a dead sleep (I don't get enough sleep as it is), though not as creatively as she could. That means we've been doing it 4-5 times a month (and usually not taking her to climax, which I really, really like doing). There's no way we've averaged 9.94 times a month when considering the whole marriage.
Verdict: I am currently one of the people who can say I got more sex while unmarried than married[5].

But wait a minute. There was a time when I had decided having a girlfriend wasn't a good idea, but I still dated, and I did get a lot less sex [6].

Counting all of the sexual encounters[7] during this post-girlfriend time period up until my wife and I started seeing each other[8], then the conservative rate is an average of 7 times per month from the time I became sexually active until my wife and I started seeing each other. That's still more than I'm getting now and could be more than my overall marriage - especially if you factor into my marriage the time we were together before we got married, when we weren't/I wasn't having sex.

Mind you my wife is someone who understands that husbands "need" sex and she does care... or at least she is really good at faking she does. I don't think she would reject me if I were to, say, change my work schedule so that I could be there every day when she wakes up. But we'd still have the kids to work around, and changing my work schedule would mean a major overhaul of our lives and other trade-offs.

This is all about the sex only, of course. There are other factors to consider, and marriage has definitely been good to me in some ways. But this entry is already long enough, so I will have to discuss those differences another time. There's a lot of related things I want to write.

It is also from a strictly amoral context – simply looking at the frequency of sex, not distinguishing between fornication and marital lovemaking. That is one of the things I will return to in a subsequent posting, in a way that is different than what I wrote before.

[Read Part 2, on why stats say that married men have more sex.]

[Read my comments on this series over six years later.]

Notes:
[1] I'm being conservative because I'm not including multiple goes in the same session/night. These sessions almost always involved intercourse, and even when they didn't, they still involved mutual climax.

[2] We waited until marriage for full sex, but were heavy on the kissing and crossed a few boundaries, especially close to the wedding.

[3] None of these things happened with any of my girlfriends.

[4] She has repeatedly insisted that she doesn't "need" to orgasm frequently, let alone with each session. In almost every sexual encounter outside of marriage, before I met my wife, bringing my date/girlfriend to climax was a regular part of it, and I enjoyed that. A lot. It is a turn on for me.

[5] Being someone who now believes in marriage, including saving sex for marriage, (though I do not think everyone should get married and would advise a lot people against it in their current conditions), I wish this wasn't so. I wish I could tell younger males that I consistently get more and better sex than I did when I was unmarried, but that would be a lie. Also note that most married people have children. I will not consider having sex with anyone other than my wife. Heck, even with my girlfriends, I was monogamous.

[6] To some extent, I used a few aspects of "game" or "Leykis 101" to get sex while not having a girlfriend, without: implying I was looking to get married or even be monogamous; lying; allowing a woman to treat me as a doormat, ATM, or servant; pretending to care about/enjoy things I didn't; or contracting an STI or creating a kid.

During that time period, I was working some crazy amount of hours between more than one job, and I didn't frequent bars or other hookup places. My prospects came mostly from online communications that weren't specifically pick-up sites, and were cultivated through conversations over months.

It is possible I would have continued to go without fornicating even if I had never met my wife (see note 8 below). It is also possible that I may instead have adopted more game, including going to hookup hangouts and using social networking for hookups, and thus increased my numbers. I could also have contracted some killer disease or been stabbed by a crazy date. There's no way of knowing for sure. What I do know is that the frequency was greater when I was unmarried than it is now that I'm married and a father.

[7] Encounters that usually involved mutual climax, even if not all involved intercourse.

[8] Again, I did not fornicate or even really make out with a date for a while before meeting my wife, as I was undergoing what I would describe as a spiritual healing and conditioning that, in retrospect, prepared me to find my wife and be a husband.

What Are You Watching?

The Opine Editorials is an excellent blog dealing with marriage and related issues, especially in defending marriage from courtroom and legislative attacks. There doesn't seem to be a clear distinction there between marriage and "marriage 2.0", but it seems to me that 2.0 is considered part of the problems being addressed.

You can't have a "marriage and family" blog these days without the issue of porn... uh... coming up... so to speak. There's a recent entry there linking to a piece on the harms of porn, and this subsequent piece (which links back to an earlier entry of mine) about all of the other things - especially media - other than porn that seem to escape the criticism porn gets, even though they can have the same sort of detrimental effects.

Shattered Crystal

False rape accusations are horrible for many reasons, including (but certainly not limited to) 1. making things more difficult for actual rape victims; 2. casting lingering suspicion and loss of reputation on the falsely accused; and 3. tying up law enforcement resources in a wild goose chase.

With that in mind, here is the latest on North Carolina’s Crystal Gayle Mangum, per The Smoking Gun:

The North Carolina woman who falsely accused a group of Duke lacrosse players of rape was arrested last night for allegedly assaulting her boyfriend and threatening to stab him.

I wonder if this matter will be handled the same way by the legal system, media, and domestic violence groups as it would be if the sexes were reversed?

The guy is foolish to associate with her, but let's not blame the victim.

According to Durham cops, Crystal Mangum, 31, got into a violent altercation with Milton Walker, and set his clothes on fire in a bathtub.

Isn't that arson? Why yes, she has been charged with that, too.

She also scratched and punched Walker, who was not arrested.

Why would he be arrested? How often, in stories of men being arrested for violence against women, do you see a mention of whether or not the woman was arrested? I guess it is noteworthy in this case because too often, men in positions like this ARE arrested, too.

Firemen were called to extinguish the bathroom blaze while Mangum, Walker, and three children were evacuated from their Lincoln Street residence.

Yes, three children were there. Lovely.

Mangum...was charged with a variety of crimes, including attempted murder, arson, simple assault, communicating threats, resisting arrest, and child endangerment.

Somewhere out there, there is a nice lady wondering why she can't get a date, while some guys will take up with a woman like this. Does this guy have a job?

A Durham Police Department arrest report notes that Mangum had not consumed drugs or alcohol before the 11:30 PM incident, and that she has a Mickey Mouse tattoo on her left arm and a Smurfs tattoo on her right leg.

No drugs or booze? Her defense lawyer will likely choose one or more of the following defenses: 1. It was self defense; 2. She's got a hormone condition; 3. This is PTSD from being raped/battered/having a bad childhood.

In 2006, Mangum, then working as an exotic dancer, claimed that she was sexually assaulted while performing at the Duke lacrosse party. Rape charges against three athletes were eventually dismissed when the North Carolina attorney general determined that there was insufficient evidence to back Mangum's claims.

That's an awfully light version of the story. The AG was thoroughly disgraced based on the lack of evidence and what was done to the players.

This story says she's 33. It also says...

Police charged her with attempted first-degree murder, five counts of arson, assault and battery, communicating threats, three counts of misdemeanor child abuse, injury to personal property, identity theft and resisting a public officer.

How long before she gets a reality show?

The three children inside the house, ages 3, 9 and 10, were not injured.

I wonder how many of those, if any, are Walker's?

If she's this nuts and hotheaded, she must be great in bed. But no guy should get near her ever again. The false rape allegations should have been enough. But this is also more than enough by itself. What are the odds Walker stays with her? High, I'd say, if she manages to get the charges reduced and doesn't have to serve a lot of time.

100 Cops Say Joshua Vasquez is a Tagger

Time for a chuckle. Richard Winton reported in this Los Angeles Times blog entry that an alleged graffiti vandal, in addition to allegedly making the mistake of tagging, picked one of the worst times and places to do it.

A 22-year-old graffiti tagger picked the wrong place Friday to leave his mark: a glass door at an aquatic center in Commerce that separated him from 100 Los Angeles County sheriff's deputies discussing having enough backup when chasing suspects, authorities said.

Joshua Vasquez looked shocked as a throng of deputies began running toward him, said Capt. Mike Parker, who was teaching the class. Vasquez turned and ran as at least 40 deputies crammed through the doorway to get him, Parker said. Vasquez tripped over his own feet and fell, Parker said, and deputies restrained him.

You can't make this stuff up.

"We were discussing the importance of having backup when engaged in foot pursuits," Parker said.

That's when the entire class was drawn to the doorway, where it looked like the suspect was waving at them, Parker said. "It turns out we could see him, but he couldn’t see us," he said.

I want to see video.

But the suspect didn't give up so easily, and he kicked out the rear window of a sheriff's cruiser before being further restrained, authorities said.

Yeah – keep adding to the charges against you.

You know, at 22, shouldn't he have put down the tagging tools and taken up with girls? I hope he turns his life around. If the story is true, he's kind of got a sad thing going.

"Winmancan" commented on the blog with a great idea:

I always thought that a proper punishment for taggers, would be an open house tagging party at their home. With a cop present, any one could enter and tag anything and everything in and around the residence...the structure itself, furniture, pictures, clothes etc.

Sounds good to me! Some of you in rural areas or nicer suburbs don't see just how much blight taggers cause in places like Commerce, California. It is constant and pervasive. So I got a good chuckle out of this story.

Dating Parents and A Questionable Ring

I usually wait a while before commenting on advice column installments (for more than one reason), but today, I just couldn’t sit on what I found in Dear Margo and Dear Abby, especially with Valentine's Day coming up.

"Torn" writes in to Dear Margo, and it gets titled "No One Needs a 17-Year-Old Dictator".

I am in my 50s, have been divorced for 10 years and have a 17-year-old daughter. Her dad is remarried.

That's too bad.

I’ve been seeing someone for 13 months, and my daughter can't stand him.

You started seeing him when she was 15 or so?

He is a nice guy, and there are no behaviors to dislike.

To you.

In fact, he's rarely been around her. She has no reason; she says she just doesn't like him and doesn't want him around.

She's 17. She's dealing with school and major choices about the future and teen drama. Her dad was already taken from her in a new marriage. Maybe she wants her mother to herself for her few remaining months at home, without her mother going through the drama and emotions of a dating relationship?

How to handle this?

Take a break from the dating. Go back to dating after she is 18 and on her own.

I've told her it’s my choice and my house, and I can have company.

It sure is your house. But she is your daughter. It was your choice to bring her into the world and raise her. Your obligation is to her, for a few more months.

(He has never stayed overnight with her around, only for a dinner here and there.)

Well, that's good that he hasn't stayed overnight with her around. But even if she's naïve she knows what happens when she isn't there.

The comments so far are mostly from people who suggest that the teen is being unjustly selfish or that perhaps the guy has made moves on her or has said things to her she found threatening. Certainly, the 17-year-old is more at risk for abuse because of the situation – according to statistics.

Dear Margo replied:

My position has always been that kids don't get a vote unless the "interloper" is obviously disreputable, snippy to the kid or a felon.

Wouldn't want to tick off your readers, now would you?

I think the approach you’ve been taking is just fine, and I would urge you to push her to articulate her dislike, and also to stick to your guns — in this case, your man.

He's not her man. He is someone she's doing. If she really isn't spending all that much time with him, it is not unlikely he is doing other women, too.

There's another letter is from a daughter whose father is planning to remarry near the time of his son's (her brother's) bar mitzvah. So that guy has a child as young as 12, and he's off and running with a new woman while the divorce is still in progress.

I hope I'm never in the position to be an unmarried parent of minor children. But if that happens to me, I would hope I would make my children more of a priority.

Dear Abby has this letter from DUMBFOUNDED OR JUST DUMB? IN FLORIDA:

I have been dating a man for four years.

Why four years? Was someone in school? In debt? What? When the (exclusive) dating goes on for more than two years, I have to wonder why someone who is marriage-minded would do that.

I told him I am ready to end our relationship if he isn't ready to get married within the next year.

Don't let the door hit you. What's he going to get by marrying you that he isn't getting now?

Two months ago, he gave me a beautiful 2 1/2-carat diamond ring and announced to family and friends that we are engaged.

Did he actually propose? Some guys do this to keep the sex going a while longer.

He has not discussed any wedding plans, but he says the wedding will be within the time frame I am asking for.

Sounds like you are getting down to the wire.

I went to a jeweler today to have the band on my ring enlarged a bit and was told that my stone is not a real diamond.

Why did you need the band enlarged? That could be a clue to what is going on.

Abby, this man owns his own business and is wealthy!

1) So what? Why is he obligated to buy you a 2 1/2-carat real diamond? What have you bought for him?

2) Are you sure he's wealthy? He could be in massive debt, either to the IRS or others.

He spends thousands on golf trips every year and just spent a great deal of money on high-end house furnishings.

And so maybe there is little left over? Is this guy really marriage material, or are you letting your "time invested" and your beliefs about his wealth blind you to something like bad priorities (if you’re looking for a husband) or bad spending habits?

I am embarrassed to tell anyone of this fraud.

Then don't. And it isn't a fraud unless he told you it is a real diamond. Or maybe he doesn't know himself and got cheated.

Am I fooling myself thinking that this man truly wants to marry me?

Probably. Why else would he go four years without asking you to marry him, and only buy you a ring after you gave a deadline? The cheaper ring is a less costly investment for him if he's just trying to get sex out of you for as long as he can. Dear Abby told her to talk with him about it. What's he going to say?

At least Dear Abby printed this suggestion from SERVICE OFFICER, AMERICAN LEGION POST IN MAINE:

Please remind your readers that a nice thing to do on Valentine's Day is to go to a veteran's hospital to visit the veterans who are there -- especially those from World War II, whose numbers are dwindling. The wards generally have parties going on for them.

Try to attend. You'll find a group of very appreciative people there.

Great idea.

Roscoe the Dog

I've been enjoying what I’ve caught of Dr. Laura this week. She is doing a good job of explaining to women the men in their lives.

With Valentine's Day approaching and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue out, Dr. Laura has had material to point out to women that most men aren't really happy about Valentine's Day, and that men do appreciate the female form - and that is normal.

She read this letter on the air, titled "Why I Treat The Dog Better Than My Wife".

Roscoe seems quite willing to listen to me about my day with a simple stroke on his head. You aren't interested in my day and if I do try to tell you something you quickly change the subject so it can be about you...

You say I don't give you my opinion anymore. Gee, most times when I do you quickly tell me how wrong I am. Roscoe accepts my decisions and works with me as a partner instead of continuing to whine about how your way is better.

And why does Roscoe sleep in bed with us? Why not? It's not like there's anything else happening there other than sleep.

Click through to read the whole letter. It is about appreciation.

It is also good when Dr. Laura explains to men how they can show their appreciation to a good woman. Wouldn't it be nice if the appreciative people all found each other, instead of partnering up with someone who is miserable and indifferent? Don't do that to yourself.

Also, today, during her daily talk with the morning hosts on KFWB, I was also happy to hear her say that technology is wonderful - that it is up to us to use it well. She's been so on-target the last few days - at least what I've heard.

Susan Smith, Andrea Yates, Linda Wilborn?

Linda Wilborn, 31, of Seal Beach, a "mother" of four, has been arrested for the murder of her 22-month-old daughter (who had her heart ruptured) and for allegedly fracturing the skull of the girl's twin brother, according to Matt Coker of the Orange County Weekly.

From the Orange County District Attorney’s statement...

Millicent was transported to the hospital, but later died due to a ruptured heart despite the life-saving efforts of medical staff. Further examination of the victim revealed that she had fresh and old fractures to her ribs. An examination of her twin, John Doe, revealed that he had a fractured skull. The defendant is accused of causing the great bodily injuries that resulted in the death of Millicent, as well as the injuries to John Doe. The other two children did not have any physical signs of trauma.

Wilborn's three surviving children were placed in protective custody.

The eldest is three and the youngest is 8 months. That's a lot of kids in a short amount of time. Oh, if only there was some way we could avoid overwhelming ourselves with so many kids in such a short time frame.

In the two articles I have read, I have not seen any information about Wilborn's husband other than that he was working (otherwise, I'm sure he'd be the suspect). I'd really like to know more about this guy. Has he been married to her long enough to presume he is the father of the eldest? Or long enough for him to know what she was like before she gave birth, and to see if she became a menace after giving birth? How could he have not known about the prior abuse? Was there any indication his wife was going to beat her child to death?

Crazy women are great in the sack – ask any guy who has been around the block. But crazy women make horrible girlfriends, wives, and mothers. It is a really, really, really bad idea to knock up a crazy woman. It is evil to leave a child in the care of a crazy woman (or man, for that matter).

Remove Your Dentures First

FEELING USED IN BELLEVILLE, ILL. is an 84 year-old woman who has been a widow for ten years. She wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am torn about accepting requests from a man I used to work for to "come and visit" him. This is not an invitation for a date -- dinner, a movie, a drive. It's nothing but "a visit."

This happened before when I was divorced and living alone. The "visit" consisted of hugging, kissing and sex. That's all.

Booty call.

It made me feel cheap.

1) Did you not enjoy it? If you were just showing up because he is your boss, that was either sexual harassment or you trying to get an advantage at the office.

2) What’s the price supposed to be? (The correct answer is... marriage. But if you put out for dinner, then don’t try to make it sound like anything other than what it is.)

Although I would love to be kissed and hugged by a man as handsome as George Clooney, I feel he is trying to use me.

I’m not sure what she means by this. Either he’s very good looking, or his treatment of her would be okay in her book if he was.

There is never any mention of a "date."

Of course there isn’t. He’s getting what he wants as it is. If you aren’t, then don’t go.

Dear Abby responded:

The next time "Prince Charming" calls and asks you to pay a house call, smile into the receiver (which will make your tone warmer and friendlier) and tell him you'd be "delighted" to see him -- when he picks you up, takes you to dinner or a movie or even for a drive.

Notice that Dear Abby didn't tell her not to fornicate. She just tells her how to negotiate to get the other things she wants. Well, if that’s how the game is played, then he's going to move on. At that age, the numbers are decidedly in his favor as women outnumber men. Let's see... today's women in their mid or early 80s were 40 or so in the late 60s/early70s, when the "sexual revolution" was in full swing. There are probably some rather easy ones out there. And the letter writer can sit at home watching "Matlock" and "Murder, She Wrote", still not going to dinner or a movie or a drive and not having sex.

My grandfather outlived my grandmother in senior living. The women were like vultures, waiting for my grandmother to pass away.

It's nice to know the octogenarians are still getting it on. I hope my wife and I make it that long. In senior living, my grandparents had their own bedrooms but that could have been for the actual sleeping.

Yeah, I believe sex outside of marriage is a lesser experience and devalues sex (and is morally wrong). But I think a lot of people toss around the words "cheap" and "used" inappropriately, trying to describe their feelings of wishing things were different or wanting something to be more than it is. Sex is supposed to be consensual, and when people keep engaging in casual sex and then saying they feel used or cheap, then I think it has more to do other things than the sex itself - like with this letter writer, who apparently wouldn't feel used as long as the guy drove her around before bedding her.