Why Health Matters in Relationships

My marriage has a serious birth defect.

It is that I needed and wanted a wife who was functionally healthy, I made that clear, I thought that's what I was getting, and instead I got a wife whose physical health is deteriorating and who has a history of serious mental illness, and who didn't reveal those things to me.

Like most people, I've had close friends with physical and mental illnesses and disabilities. I could see how it impacted their lives. You may be dealing with such issues yourself, or you may not have sought to avoid these things in a partner. That's fine. It's not want I wanted, and I should have been free to choose.

I know accidents and assaults and illnesses happen, and I could have married someone in perfect health who was subsequently disabled or made ill. That's not what happened, though. In our case, there wasn't even the chance of avoiding it. Her hiding some of it also meant that I didn't react to certain events as well as I could have and as quickly as I could have if I had known.

I also know that maybe I'll be the one who gets sick or disabled someday, even before being elderly, and I'm not perfect the way I am already.  But that's all the more reason to have a spouse who isn't already dealing with physical and mental illness.

I married a woman who was independent, keeping her own home, and working full time with kids. (She didn't have kids. She was working with kids.) We discussed that she could homeschool our children and keep house as I earned the income, and if/when the kids needed to go into a classroom, she could work, perhaps part-time, and so we could afford private schooling.

It wasn't until after our children were here that the whole truth (and maybe there is yet more I haven't discovered) about my wife's conditions came out. She flat-out denied some of the truth in response to my questioning. I had to discern things and she admitted some in therapy after much resistance, still denying it mattered.

There are many reasons I wanted to avoid this situation. If you’ve dealt with these issues yourself you're well aware that these are realities. Physical and mental illness changes EVERYTHING. In no particular order:

Shorter life expectancy. Life is already short. These things can shorten lifespans. I brace myself for my wife dying suddenly. I'm expecting significant cognitive impairment to set in before too long due to many concussions she's experienced.

Less discretionary time. Time is already short. There's already not enough time to do everything we want to do, but with things like this there's even less time, because we have to spend so much of our lives scheduling appointments and treatments, going to such appointments and treatments, filling out related paperwork including reimbursement forms and appeals for coverage, ordering and picking up medications.

Less discretionary spending. Money is already tight. There's already not enough money to do everything we want to do, but things like this mean there's even less money. Even with more expensive insurance, there are still significant costs with appointments, treatments, medications, equipment, etc. I earn more than the average household income for my area, even though my area is higher earning than the national average, and we are generally careful with spending, and yet we constantly struggle to have enough money for our obligations, including our obligations to save for the future.

Private schooling is expensive. We had to give up on homeschooling, so one of many reasons money is tight is paying for private schooling. Public schooling is out of the question.

Employment limitations. She didn't stop working through disability, but she's not willing or able to be employed. She can work from home to some extent, but we're largely unable to have a significant second income. I'm limited in my employment choices because of my wife's specialized needs when it comes to health insurance.

Activity limitations. There are many things she can't or won't do because of her conditions. Thankfully, I'm not the type who likes to go hiking or more physically demanding recreational activities. I enjoy swimming and body surfing and that's about it, but if YOU like doing sports or outdoor activities, you'd have even more reason to be concerned about this area. Uncertainty over her need for sleep interferes with scheduling things. She can't or won't do certain chores or errands. She shies away from socializing and maintaining in-person friendships.

Medicine side effects. These alone are reasons I didn't want this life. She takes seemingly countless medications and medications have undesirable side effects.

Uncertainty over personal interaction. I can't always be sure if her hostility, harsh words, or other negative elements of interacting with her are her true feelings, a reflection of mental illness, or medication or a lack thereof.

Stress. I feel largely like a single parent to a special needs teenager along with our kids, and I am extremely hesitant to even ask her to consider taking on more responsibilities, because she keeps saying she can't do things.

Driving risks. Her driving record is a lot worse than mine (mine is great), as anyone can tell by looking at our vehicles. The way she drives, no doubt due to her conditions, puts more wear and tear on the vehicles. Yet driving our kids places is her biggest contribution to the family right now.

The kids. What genetic problems have our kids inherited, including mental illness? What did her conditions and the medications do during her pregnancies? Our kids are not lacking in their appearances and they are highly intelligent, but I'm bracing for mental illness to be diagnosed and when their behavior is problematic I wonder if they've been impacted by medication. My wife could no longer physically control the kids from an early age so discipline became a problem. Also, the kids literally watched their mother lose touch with reality and behave in ways that they'll probably be talking about in therapy for the rest of their lives. [UPDATE: One of our children has been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses.]

Sleep. My wife and I don't (can't) cuddle or spoon.

Sex. My wife's ability to enjoy sex, do certain things, and tend to my sexual needs are all significantly limited. You might not care all that much, but this is a very, very big deal for me. One of the reasons I married was to have sex. If I wasn't convinced of the truth of the Bible I would not have thought sex was for marriage and I likely would not have married. In my wayward youth, sex was an important way for me to show my girlfriend that I cared for her. My focus was on giving her affection. This has largely be taken away from me.


As you can see, this "birth defect" in our marriage impacts EVERYTHING. It's a source of pain, hassle, tension, social strain, time strain, and financial strain. So many problems go back to this matter. Sure, there are other problems as well and they'd be more glaring if we didn't have this birth defect, but it is difficult to define those, let alone address them, because we have this foundational problem we'll never overcome.

Although I can't, in good conscience, recommend what we presently call marriage to most men, I urge anyone getting married to get full disclosure, including about health (including mental and dental). Go with your potential spouse to their appointments. Talk with their health care professionals. Make sure you understand what conditions they have and have had, what treatments they are getting, the short and long-term outlooks, and all of the potential risk and side effects.