Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Why Health Matters in Relationships

My marriage has a serious birth defect.

It is that I needed and wanted a wife who was functionally healthy, I made that clear, I thought that's what I was getting, and instead I got a wife whose physical health is deteriorating and who has a history of serious mental illness, and who didn't reveal those things to me.

Like most people, I've had close friends with physical and mental illnesses and disabilities. I could see how it impacted their lives. You may be dealing with such issues yourself, or you may not have sought to avoid these things in a partner. That's fine. It's not want I wanted, and I should have been free to choose.

I know accidents and assaults and illnesses happen, and I could have married someone in perfect health who was subsequently disabled or made ill. That's not what happened, though. In our case, there wasn't even the chance of avoiding it. Her hiding some of it also meant that I didn't react to certain events as well as I could have and as quickly as I could have if I had known.

I also know that maybe I'll be the one who gets sick or disabled someday, even before being elderly, and I'm not perfect the way I am already.  But that's all the more reason to have a spouse who isn't already dealing with physical and mental illness.

I married a woman who was independent, keeping her own home, and working full time with kids. (She didn't have kids. She was working with kids.) We discussed that she could homeschool our children and keep house as I earned the income, and if/when the kids needed to go into a classroom, she could work, perhaps part-time, and so we could afford private schooling.

It wasn't until after our children were here that the whole truth (and maybe there is yet more I haven't discovered) about my wife's conditions came out. She flat-out denied some of the truth in response to my questioning. I had to discern things and she admitted some in therapy after much resistance, still denying it mattered.

There are many reasons I wanted to avoid this situation. If you’ve dealt with these issues yourself you're well aware that these are realities. Physical and mental illness changes EVERYTHING. In no particular order:

Shorter life expectancy. Life is already short. These things can shorten lifespans. I brace myself for my wife dying suddenly. I'm expecting significant cognitive impairment to set in before too long due to many concussions she's experienced.

Less discretionary time. Time is already short. There's already not enough time to do everything we want to do, but with things like this there's even less time, because we have to spend so much of our lives scheduling appointments and treatments, going to such appointments and treatments, filling out related paperwork including reimbursement forms and appeals for coverage, ordering and picking up medications.

Less discretionary spending. Money is already tight. There's already not enough money to do everything we want to do, but things like this mean there's even less money. Even with more expensive insurance, there are still significant costs with appointments, treatments, medications, equipment, etc. I earn more than the average household income for my area, even though my area is higher earning than the national average, and we are generally careful with spending, and yet we constantly struggle to have enough money for our obligations, including our obligations to save for the future.

Private schooling is expensive. We had to give up on homeschooling, so one of many reasons money is tight is paying for private schooling. Public schooling is out of the question.

Employment limitations. She didn't stop working through disability, but she's not willing or able to be employed. She can work from home to some extent, but we're largely unable to have a significant second income. I'm limited in my employment choices because of my wife's specialized needs when it comes to health insurance.

Activity limitations. There are many things she can't or won't do because of her conditions. Thankfully, I'm not the type who likes to go hiking or more physically demanding recreational activities. I enjoy swimming and body surfing and that's about it, but if YOU like doing sports or outdoor activities, you'd have even more reason to be concerned about this area. Uncertainty over her need for sleep interferes with scheduling things. She can't or won't do certain chores or errands. She shies away from socializing and maintaining in-person friendships.

Medicine side effects. These alone are reasons I didn't want this life. She takes seemingly countless medications and medications have undesirable side effects.

Uncertainty over personal interaction. I can't always be sure if her hostility, harsh words, or other negative elements of interacting with her are her true feelings, a reflection of mental illness, or medication or a lack thereof.

Stress. I feel largely like a single parent to a special needs teenager along with our kids, and I am extremely hesitant to even ask her to consider taking on more responsibilities, because she keeps saying she can't do things.

Driving risks. Her driving record is a lot worse than mine (mine is great), as anyone can tell by looking at our vehicles. The way she drives, no doubt due to her conditions, puts more wear and tear on the vehicles. Yet driving our kids places is her biggest contribution to the family right now.

The kids. What genetic problems have our kids inherited, including mental illness? What did her conditions and the medications do during her pregnancies? Our kids are not lacking in their appearances and they are highly intelligent, but I'm bracing for mental illness to be diagnosed and when their behavior is problematic I wonder if they've been impacted by medication. My wife could no longer physically control the kids from an early age so discipline became a problem. Also, the kids literally watched their mother lose touch with reality and behave in ways that they'll probably be talking about in therapy for the rest of their lives. [UPDATE: One of our children has been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses.]

Sleep. My wife and I don't (can't) cuddle or spoon.

Sex. My wife's ability to enjoy sex, do certain things, and tend to my sexual needs are all significantly limited. You might not care all that much, but this is a very, very big deal for me. One of the reasons I married was to have sex. If I wasn't convinced of the truth of the Bible I would not have thought sex was for marriage and I likely would not have married. In my wayward youth, sex was an important way for me to show my girlfriend that I cared for her. My focus was on giving her affection. This has largely be taken away from me.


As you can see, this "birth defect" in our marriage impacts EVERYTHING. It's a source of pain, hassle, tension, social strain, time strain, and financial strain. So many problems go back to this matter. Sure, there are other problems as well and they'd be more glaring if we didn't have this birth defect, but it is difficult to define those, let alone address them, because we have this foundational problem we'll never overcome.

Although I can't, in good conscience, recommend what we presently call marriage to most men, I urge anyone getting married to get full disclosure, including about health (including mental and dental). Go with your potential spouse to their appointments. Talk with their health care professionals. Make sure you understand what conditions they have and have had, what treatments they are getting, the short and long-term outlooks, and all of the potential risk and side effects.

14 comments:

  1. DarthW1:24 PM

    You're correct. When I was dating seriously, and believed marriage had value, one of my requirements was for general overall good health in my partner. I have had overall consistently good health as well, keep pretty fit, and continue to try to stay healthy.

    One woman I dated in my early 30s, and quit dating for incompatibility reasons not related to health. But when I dated her, she had asthma. She was typically irresponsible about allergy treatment, always (I mean ALWAYS) forgetting or losing her inhaler then not having it when needed the hampering whatever we were doing to deal with an asthma issue. Further, she was one of these type who works somewhere for months or a year; it's the "best job I've ever had" at the beginning and later "the boss is awful!!" when she quits - regardless of insurance benefits she had. Beyond other issues, I remember her asthma and inability to stay employed meaning I would be carrying the full responsibility of any type of insurance benefits, keeping up with her meds, etc. I really broke up with her more due to her inability to stay employed, and lack of any type of success in life, knowing I would have the brunt of responsibility, but the health issues were a factor. I remained friends with her for years after, and she eventually developed MS, so her last ten years have been stints in the hospital, a lot more limited abilities, yet when she does get a good job eventually she finds a reason to leave because of yet, another, "mean boss". Many times I've thought, "Boy, you made a good decision!" She's married to some poor schlub now, probably had four jobs in the last couple years, and gradually declining. So glad that's not my hassle.

    The last woman I dated, I clicked with in a lot of ways, and was really attracted to her. I thought I'd found "the one". As time went on - beyond the single mother issues - she had "bad knees" from years dancing is high school and college supposedly, and it was apparent that even though she was more than a decade younger I could physically outmatch her by far due to her physical ailments. Add to that, in time I found out she was taking Vicodin for her knee pain, and on top of that Xanax for some type of anxiety issue. Then, all I could see if me ponying up cash for knee surgeries every 10 years, her quitting work due to physical issues, and likely a lot of drama and more hassles due to emotional problems. Add to that the single mama issues where at least one of the two kids was ADHD (good kids but you could see more issues coming) and getting more serious with her looked bleak. Again, I'd be taking on all the added financial burdens, medical issues, etc., while they would get all of me: healthy, sorta well off, and wise. No thanks.

    Selfish? I most assuredly am. And so, too, is the woman selfish when she has health issues and she is seeking a provider to take on her issues, provide her benefits so she can quit working, etc.

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  2. Thanks always, Darth. You leave such great comments.

    Yeah, I had a male friend who was like that about jobs... "It's the best thing ever!" and then within months or a year or two it's "Oh, that place was awful" or "The boss is terrible" and I can't help but thinking that is what happens with their romantic relationships as well. They're in a fantasy at the start, not actually being serious about whether it is a match or not. With women, it is even worse, because if they don't like their job, it will often cast a shadow over everything else in their life. There's a book out there about men being like waffles (able to compartmentalize) and women being like spaghetti, where one strand touches every other strand.

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  3. You are a sociopath. A life partner isn't the same as an HD TV with a 10 year warranty. FFS.

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    1. Nah, not a sociopath. I'm a normal man who has been defrauded by a woman marrying me under false pretenses. You seem to lack basic reading comprehension. We're not talking about something going wrong or something unknown being discovered. We are talking about deliberately misrepresenting.

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  4. Anonymous11:36 PM

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    ReplyDelete
  5. You don't say what are the physical and mental illnesses which result in the scenario you have outlined. If you had, it would be possible to determine whether these deficits were health issues concerning which you could have been reasonably aware. What physical disease(s) does she have which has developed suddenly and then limits her abilities? What mental issues does she have? It is possible that you did not exercise due diligence in the first place. I am at a loss to understand what physical illness could have manifested so suddenly, out-of-the-blue to result in the profound deficits you have cited. Precisely what illness did she have which she deliberately kept from you and then which surfaced after marriage. If you truly married under false pretenses then the marriage would be subject to annulment. Illnesses which cause the sort of profound deficits you cite are typically not easily hidden before hand.

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    1. I can't get too specific without risking identification.

      The mental illnesses were being treated with medications, of which I was unaware (I was unaware of the mental illnesses and the medications treating them). As I'm sure you know, the effectiveness of specific medications can change as time goes by. Or if someone stops taking them, or introduces another medication due to physical issues, that can change things. When we met and dated, the medications for her mental illnesses were very effective.

      The physical conditions were present to some extent, but as far as I knew were being treated by oral medication as well as periodic treatments by a doctor. With these treatments, she was able to work full time in a job that required she be walking a lot. Literally on our honeymoon, she started using a wheelchair, at least for our outings. It wasn't until much later that she revealed that the conditions were progressive. Things got significantly worse when she (temporarily, it turned out) suspended one treatment in order to try another, which she seemed to sabotage. For example, she'd pick a fight and then stay awake literally all night before a session with a doctor, even though the treatment required she be alert, attentive, and aware of her feelings; it required her active participation, not merely passively letting the medical professional due stuff to her.

      "It is possible that you did not exercise due diligence in the first place."

      Oh, I sure didn't. I did accompany her to doctor visits, but that wasn't enough. What I should have done, and what I now advise men who insist on getting legally married do, is to get full disclosure of all medical records (including psychiatric and dental), and to talk with all of her medical professionals about current conditions and prognoses, before agreeing to a wedding date.

      I'm not a medical professional. My family of origin and close family friends didn't ever seem to be dealing with chronic physical or mental illnesses, so I wasn't like I knew what to look for. In retrospect, I would have, as early into dating as possible, at least tried to get a few minutes to look through her medicine cabinet and write down (I don't think camera phones were so common back then) all of the medications to look them up when I could. Snooping? Darn right it would be snooping. Hey, she'd be welcome to look through my medicine cabinet.

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  6. Well, Ken, it would appear that you are very unhappy in your current marriage. I would say the problem represents a combination of not being completely forthcoming on her part and you not exercising due diligence. Together, these factors created the mess in which you now find yourself. So now what to do?

    You need to do some soul searching and decide whether you want to say in the marriage. I am kind of thinking you don't in which case it is time to take some action to end it. Being in the medical field, I have a fairly good idea of what disease is in question here. It also sounds like there are some significant psychiatric issues superimposed on the physical illness. It is not going to get any better. In fact, the whole thing is going to get significantly worse.

    Normally, I don't advocate persons leaving their spouses due to illness. In this case, it seems that you were not aware of exactly what you were getting into and the reason for that ignorance was failures on both of your parts - you were not looking carefully and she was not upfront about important issues. This situation is going nowhere good any time soon so it is probably time to think about calling it quits.

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    1. I expect her physical condition to get worse.

      I brace for the next time the psychiatric meds stop being effective enough. At least I won't be blindsided the next time.

      I also brace for the possibility that she'll die suddenly. That could happens for any number of reasons. Or she might live to a ripe old age barely able to do anything because of her physical deterioration.

      I explain why I'm still around in this page: http://tunasafedolphin.blogspot.com/p/why-dont-you-leave.html

      I have absolutely no interest in ever living with another woman, let alone re-marrying. My finances are going to be mostly about her and the kids one way or another, either through the family accounts or by paying **lifetime** alimony and child support as well as attorneys fees for both sets of attorneys.

      Divorcing would give me freedom over whatever money I'd still get to keep, and would, by prevailing social standards, free me up to date. It would also mean I wouldn't have a list of tasks to take care of as requested by her. But as I explain in that link, I don't think it would be the best move for my children.

      Provided I'm still alive and my wife is still alive when our youngest child reaches 18 years of age, the weight of obligations will have shifted significantly.

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    2. Ken, Your logic is quite sound. Largely, I agree with your thinking. Much of what you propose would happen, will, in all likelihood transpire. As you see, life is not always fair - very often, it is extremely unfair but we make the best of what we have to work with.

      Yours is not an easy path to travel. I am a hopeless optimist. I remain confident that you will find little pockets of peace here and there and that eventually they will coalesce into larger structures. Absolutely, you can re-evaluate the situation when your children leave the nest. In the meanwhile, try to keep your spirits up - it will be challenging to do so. I wrote a long post on what makes a marriage work and, for whatever reason, the person who operates this site, decided not to post it. Such is unfortunate because I do believe it would make for some excellent discussion.

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    3. If you're referring to the comment left after my most popular entry, "Don't Date Single Mothers", it WAS published: http://tunasafedolphin.blogspot.com/2013/12/don-date-single-mothers-here-is-why.html?showComment=1533190474562#c822226684092979006

      But there are hundreds of comments left after that entry and so it can be hard to see. One must keep choosing to load more comments.

      If you'd permit, perhaps I can post it as a new entry, attributing it to you, with whatever link you'd want to have?

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  7. Ken, it was a recent comment - posted a few days ago as the last comment on the thread - perhaps it got lost. I think your idea is a good one and that the post would make for some interesting discussion if it were posted as a separate link. A good title would be "What Makes a Marriage Work" I kept a copy of it so I can send it to you and you can post it as a new link but how do I get that document to you. I don't see any utility to attach documents to send to you. The post was a series of comments as to what people needed to do in order to make a marriage work. I posted it but a few days ago. I think it would generate some interesting discussion

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  8. OK, Ken, I see what you mean now. Yes, the post I offered WAS there, after all, but it required lots of "load more comments" to find it. It would seem that your "single mother" mother thread is so popular that it has become a bit unwieldy. It has become "too popular" and now it is difficult to find new comments. It is fine with me if you want to use my post to start a new thread called "What Makes a Marriage Work" The focus of that comment goes far beyond the issue of single motherhood so it would make sense to offer this topic as a new thread. Within the paradigm I proposed, it would not even matter whether the person was or was not a single mother. They key to success, as I see it, would be how each party conducted themselves and what were their goals/expectations. When the focus changes from "What is best for me" to "What is objectively equitable and fair for BOTH parties" the chances for success go way up. "Me first" is not a winning formula in the long run which is why I am not a supporter of Tom Leykis, although I do listen and find his program entertaining on some level. I am a "freeloader" but not because of monetary issues. My unwillingness to support his venture is more rooted in the fact that his ideology is opposed to my own. I believe in conduct which is fair and equitable to all involved whereas he advocates putting one's self first regardless of the impact it has on others.

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    1. I hear ya. I, too, have been (mostly) a freeloader, primarily for the same reasons.

      Delete

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