One Guy Who Should Not Marry

He wrote in to Dear Abby.

SENSITIVE GUY, MILWAUKEE wrote:

(First of all, you know there is a problem if he signed his letter that way.)

I am a 24-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great woman, "Hayley," for three years.

Strike one! 21 is too young to get into a long-term relationship. He should have spent this time (aside from establishing himself professionally) dating different women to learn as much as possible about what he likes and doesn’t like and the kind of woman with whom he interacts best.

She has excellent qualities, a good job, she's super loving and would be a wonderful wife someday.

Great. But this guy's terminology makes me think we was raised without a father, and is suffering as a result.

My family loves Hayley -- but my buddies don't, and it is causing me to have mixed feelings.

Maybe your friends can see something you don't. Or maybe you've surrounded yourself with jerks for friends (and your friends tend to be a reflection on you, by the way).

Some days I love her, but on others I want to break up. Then I think of how fantastic our lives would be together. It's weird, because Hayley doesn't change her personality -- it's totally my issue.

Clearly, you aren't ready to be in a long-term relationship, and you probably stunted your growth by getting into this one at age 21. I would guess that it is his first relationship - that she's the only girl who ever paid attention to him.

I'm scared that if I break up with her it could be the worst mistake of my life, and I'll regret it.

If she is really as great and stable as you say she is, then she deserves someone better than you, and you should stop being selfish and stop wasting her time. If you are "meant to be" it will happen whether you break up now or not. People do get back together, after all.

Dear Abby gets it right when she replies:

Hayley may make a wonderful wife someday, but from your letter, YOU are nowhere near ready for marriage. Mature love doesn't blow hot and cold, and the feelings you finally experience for the woman you marry won't be dictated by the impression she makes on your buddies.

If Haley is mature, she will thank this guy for his honesty if he levels with her and breaks it off, and will take steps to distance herself from him, evaluate why she got into and stayed in a relationship with him in the first place, and add what she's learned from this experience to her decision making process, hopefully avoiding making some of the same mistakes again.

Or, if she is immature or insecure, she could plead with him to "redeem" the relationship, pressuring him to propose marriage (with the help of his family), get involved in planning the big party so much that she doesn't have to deal with the problems in the relationship, and marry the guy. Soon after that, they will likely start arguing a lot over the time he spends with his buddies. She might intentionally get pregnant, thinking that will help get things to her liking. That cycle may repeat any number of times, and then she may or may not divorce him.

Hopefully, Haley will go the first route.

New Magazine Targets Successful Singles

Alana Semuels of the Los Angeles Times reports on a new magazine for unmarried people.

Now this 65-year-old divorcé is trying to help other unmarried people embrace their lifestyle and shed the stereotype that they're lonely bachelors or cat-loving old maids.

There are some men and women like that. There are people who are unhappily unmarried. There are people who are unhappily married. And yes, there are people who are happily married. Some people are happy people, whether they are unmarried or married. Some people are miserable either way (and should not subject someone else to themselves).

A serial entrepreneur, Wright recently launched Singular, a Los Angeles magazine for singles that doles out advice, travel suggestions and profiles of unmarried people who travel to Tonga, collect vintage sex manuals and play polo when not performing acupuncture.

It is a lot easier to travel and buy stuff when you're not supporting other people (aside from taxes), and your not accountable to anyone for your free time (save God).

Call it a reflection of our times -- or a response to them -- Wright's new enterprise might strike a chord with the growing number of Americans who choose to marry later or not at all. About 42% of people over the age of 18 are single, according to the Census Bureau, and the proportion of one-person households increased to 26% in 2005 from 17% in 1970.

Even people who want to marry should wait until after 25. There are a lot of people between the ages of 18 and 25. People are also living long as divorced or widowed. That contibutes to the number of "singles".

The magazine, which launched in September, comes at a time when the stigma around staying single is disappearing, said David Popenoe, director of the National Marriage Project.

There's nothing inherently wrong with being unmarried.

Some Smug Marrieds, as fictional character Bridget Jones calls them, didn't get the memo. They still barrage singles with questions about why they haven't married and suggestions about how to find a date, said Bella DePaulo, a social scientist and author of "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After."

Which is wrong. If you're happily married, live like it, and your unmarried friends who also want to be happily married will ask you for your advice or help if they want it. Those who don't want to marry don't need you tell them otherwise, any more than they should tell you how to become unmarried.

"We're creating a community of people who want to have their best life now," Calvert said from a plush red chair in the airy Westside living room that serves as the magazine's headquarters. She lives upstairs, with her parrot and three cats.

Three cats? Hmmm. While it may not be a problem to have that many cats, more often then not I say there's a "cat cycle"… someone is lonely, so they get a cat. That automatically reduces the number of people who would partner with them, which may, in turn, prompt the acquisition of another cat. So on and so forth. If you are an umarried woman, and want to get married, and have the impulse to add a third or fourth cat to your home, let it pass. Instead, think about what you are doing that is keeping you from attracting and keeping the right spouse.

Still, the website highlights the strange paradox of gathering singles together. While Singular emphasizes the idea that romantic relationships are not essential for happiness, it also facilitates dating and meet-ups.

Are you saying that the magazine has a financial interest in keeping reader single? Perhaps. In which case, I would be wary of partnering advice from it. But it could still be useful to unmarried people, because finding a partner is not their sole interest, or perhaps an interest of theirs at all.

A few matchmakers even crashed the party to find potential clients.

"Everybody wants love, attention and affection," said one matchmaker, Dianne Bennett, who runs millionaires-matchmaker.com. "People do want relationships."

Bennett has a financial interest in her assertion. Some people cant get those things without giving up being unmarried. Some people value their freedom more than those things.

It Doesn't Have to Be Intercourse to Be Cheating

Sally Law has a piece (so to speak) at LiveScience.com about what is and isn't "cheating" with a generation raised post-Clinton/Lewinsky.

In 2005, the federal government released a study that found more than 50 percent of American teenagers had engaged in oral sex; furthermore, they considered oral sex a less-significant substitution for intercourse.

While it doesn't carry the risk of pregnancy, it is enough to spread STDs and cause emotional bonding. There are also women who do try to get pregnant by transferring fluids from one location to another.

A recent study conducted by the University of Northern Iowa and Pennsylvania State University finds that undergraduates in relationships hold their significant others to a stricter definition of sex than they hold themselves.

Geography can also have something to do with it. For example, some American women don't "count" sexual activity they engage in while in Mexico. Or at a bachelorette party.

"Men believe that when women have sex it is not just a pleasure-seeking behavior but an emotional experience, so it is very threatening," Donin says. "And I believe that on some very basic level, men still see women as their property."

No more than women see men as their property or see themselves as entitled to the earnings of a man.

All of this makes the future of relationships seem pretty dismal - which, according to The New York Times, isn't a problem, as relationships are becoming a thing of the past, anyway.

The more generations raised without both their mother and father actually raising them instead of both working full time outside of the home, the less we'll have people who can related to each other well. Also, men have been portrayed as the enemy of women for so long. Finally, we're a society that thinks we have a right to slaughter our own offspring for our own, often selfish, reasons. Those things don’t bode well for relationships.

"Hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know," writes Charles M. Blow in a Dec. 13 article. "Under [this] new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date."

That's what the woman might be thinking, but a true male player will simply move on to other women once a woman he's seeing starts making demands of his money and non-sexual time.

Just don't hook up behind your boyfriend's back. That's cheating. Maybe.

Sheesh. I understand that people make promises to each other, and that when someone specifically says they are going to be monogamous with their partner, they are breaking their word if they aren’t. But really – what is the big deal about breaking your word if you are already fornicating? Fornicating isn't wrong, but breaking your word is? Why be faithful to another flawed human being when you aren't faithful to God? Why respect someone else when you don’t respect yourself? If were talking the "rules of the world", the mistake comes in promising to be monogamous in the first place. Players should never promise such a thing. They can let her delude herself into thinking they are monogamous.

The healthiest thing, though, is to save sex for marriage. And yes, for these purposes, any contact with each other's genitals or anal cavity is sex. Even in Cancun. Even at a bachelorette party in Cancun.

My Letter to Dr. Laura

Okay, here is pretty much what I wrote to Dr. Laura, and what she read on the air today (Wednesday 12/10) to start her first hour and go on a long rant for the rest of the opening segment. I say "pretty much" because there might be slight variations in the actual letter, since I had only saved part of the text in my computer and added the intro and conclusion that she read on the air when I pasted the meat of the letter to her e-mail window, and might have done some insignificant edits.


I got an unsolicited e-mail from a childcare provider in my city. Here's my reply:

I don't know you. You may be the best in your business. But you can't replace my child's mother.

One of the main reasons I got married was so that a stranger would not raise my child. My wife takes care of our child, thank you very much. Sure, it means we don't have a tiny bit more of income (after the higher taxes and other expenses we'd have to pay), but I figure my little girl is best with her own mother. My wife is an R.N. Now she has just two patients.

Some people would call me lucky because I can afford to have my wife take care of our child and home. But it wasn't luck. It was a lot of hard work and patience. There were a lot of things I didn't buy along the way, a lot of drinks I didn't gulp, I lot of vacations I didn't take. I didn't make babies out of wedlock. I didn't shack up. I didn't marry the wrong person just to take a relationship "to the next level". I stayed unmarried and childless until I found the right woman - a woman who also lived within her means. Then I married her. Before getting her pregnant.

In the mean time, I didn't get drunk, I didn't do drugs, I didn't gamble away my money. I didn't buy stuff I couldn't afford. I drove cars that weren't sexy. I worked at a job starting in high school, I completed college, I ended up working a full time job, a part-time job, and a freelance gig for five years before dropping the part-time job.

My wife finished college in four years despite significant challenges and then workedher butt off and was very careful with her money. She didn't make babies. She waitedto find the right man to be her husband.

Sure, we owe it all to God. God could take it all away tomorrow.

But it isn't luck.

And we don't use day orphanages. Thank God.

Thanks Dr. Laura. Thanks for helping me so see how blessed I am to have a loving wife who is my girlfriend and who is her kid's mom.

I am my kid's dad.

OMG!!! Dr. Laura Read My Letter On-Air

Just a few moments ago, Dr. Laura read my e-mailed letter on-air to open her show. If she places it on her website, I will link to it. Otherwise, I will past the text here later.

That was quite a rush.

I have had something I wrote read on a top-rated national radio program before, but this time, I was actually listening. Better yet, my wife was listening (the letter was largely about her) and she called me to express her excitement.

Second Notice on Your Vehicle's Factory Warranty

I'm impressed.

Somebody out there is so concerned that the factory warranty on my vehicle may be expiring, that they've taken the trouble to track down a mobile phone number I never gave the dealer or the factory, to repeatedly call me from different phone numbers in different area codes with a recording warning me that this is the second notice that the warranty may be expiring.

Mind you, I've never heard nor seen the first notice to this mythical expiration of the factory warranty on my "vehicle". But they sure are persistent in calling me with the second notice... over and over and over again.

I thought I was special, until I found out that these friendly recorded voices were cheating on me by calling others with the same message, too.

Oh well... at least I have my friend in Nigeria, whose millions of dollars will console me once I get them transferred to me. And my British Lottery winnings.

A Reminder of Why Caution is Needed

Here’s a reminder of one reason why people should be extremely cautious about relationships, especially marriage. AP medical writer Lindsey Tanner reports that one in five young adults has a personality disorder. (To steal a joke from a comic, if four of your friends are normal, then it is you.)

Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.

The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.

And even if they do get treatment, it doesn’t mean they’ll stick with treatment or that it will be effective, or without significant negative side effects.

One expert said personality disorders may be overdiagnosed.

Certainly a possibility, but then if their brain was subjected to unnecessary psychotropic drugs while it was developing, then that is a problem in and of itself.

But others said the results were not surprising since previous, less rigorous evidence has suggested mental problems are common on college campuses and elsewhere.

And that’s just the staff! Heh.

Counting substance abuse, the study found that nearly half of young people surveyed have some sort of psychiatric condition, including students and non-students.

Personality disorders were the second most common problem behind drug or alcohol abuse as a single category. The disorders include obsessive, anti-social and paranoid behaviors that are not mere quirks but actually interfere with ordinary functioning.

Happy dating, everyone!

I notice that the article did not report a gender discrepancy or parity. I wonder.

I know I'm risking the ire of many commenters and fellow bloggers - because these people get difficult when you suggest that they may... get difficult - but unless you want a lot of unnecessary drama and difficulty in your life, I would suggest never committing to anyone until you've been around them enough and in a variety of situations to be sure they don't have a problem like this that is a negative factor in their life, or it will be a problem in your life, too. This is one reason why I now suggest that before marrying, couples visit their doctors with each other, including any mental health professionals, and discuss past and existing problems openly. Please consider that a lot of these problems may be passed down to offspring. If you really think that these people are entitled to a relationship, ease your conscience by realizing that there are other people in the world who can provide them with one. There's no reason you should feel obligated to share your body, your heart, your bed, your home, your money, or your credit with someone with a personality disorder.

Sister Concerned About Brother, Mother

Just in time for Thanksgiving comes this Dear Abby column.

DESPERATE SIS IN ILLINOIS wrote:

I'm concerned about my 37-year-old brother, "Ricky," who still lives at home with our mother.

You know, it is one thing if you leave home after high school or college and then have to move back in temporarily for some reason, or if your parent or parent(s) need to move in with you after you have established your own place. But never leaving is usually a problem. I know someone who is on track to be in this situation – should his mother still be alive when he is 37.

Ricky is good-looking, never married and has never really had a girlfriend.

This is presented as though either Ricky has some sort of socialization problem or his mother is preventing him from forming relationships with others. Since he never left home, it really doesn't matter if he is good looking. What woman with any choice is going to choose a man who has never left home? Now, what could be going on is that Ricky may going out and fornicating without getting into relationships. Think "booty call." Perhaps he likes the financial security he has with his living arrangements, and he gets his physical release with no strings attached. It is entirely possible, especially if he is good-looking.

Our father passed away four years ago, and since then our mother has become dependent on Ricky for everything.

Is she really, or is she just emotionally needy? I can believe she is actually dependent on him if her husband always did everything for her and she married before ever establishing herself as an individual in the first place. That's one reason people should not marry too young.

Neither one has any friends outside the family.

Usually not a good sign.

I try to get my brother to come out and meet people and have some fun, but he generally declines.

Maybe he feels overshadowed by you, or maybe he isn't in to your crowd.

If he does agree to come, Mother comes with him.

Maybe he wants to get her out, too. But yeah, it would be good if he could go places without her. And maybe he does. Like, say late at night.

They almost act like a married couple.

Yeah, well, there’s the rub, so to speak. As I said before, Ricky may be a player. Heck, he could be a closeted (at least to you) homosexual. Or he could have little or no interest in sex (there are a small minority of men out there like that), or not interested in relationships/marriage. There's even the possibility that Ricky and Mother are more like a married couple than you'd want to ever think about. As bizarre as that sounds, that isn't unheard of, not even in a Dear Abby column. And if we’re a society that says "love" is the determining factor in making a relationship right or not, then who is to say that would be wrong? It's not like your mother is going to have more children, after all.

Dear Abby responded:

Start by having a frank talk with your brother and asking him if he likes living his life this way. There has to be a reason why a good-looking, 37-year-old man has never had a girlfriend. Maybe he doesn't want one.

I’m glad she offers that possibility.

After that, it's time to have a chat with your mother. I don't know how old she is, but one would think that she might like to "play" with people her own age.

How about asking her what she is doing to prepare her son to be independent? After all, chances are he's going to outlive her.

If she doesn't, then MYOB.

Now there's some good advice.

Going Down Until the End

I'm going to graphically discuss issues surrounding particular sex acts. If that is a problem for you, skip this entry.

I'm a married man and if I get all hot and bothered, I can fulfill my desires in a godly way, so for me it isn’t a problem to discuss this. But if it will be a problem for you to read, then move on. Lovemaking is a normal and healthy part of holy matrimony, and I don't see why I shouldn't be able to write frankly about aspects of that here.

You have been warned...


I read something written by a woman who claimed that most men didn't care or couldn't tell the difference where they ejaculated – mouth, hand, vagina, etc. It was part of a thread topic discussing fellatio and how it should be finished. She was apparently basing this on things men had written, since she is not a man and couldn't possibly know what it feels like to receive fellatio.

I can tell the difference. I find it hard to believe that most men can’t, even if they say they can't. Notice that men often say things to keep the peace. Regardless, she went on to write that men don’t have to put up with the equivalent in dealing with a sticky substance emitted from their wife. True. But women don't have to put up with monthly mood swings, either, or "Not now, I’m on my period." Yes, there are differences between men and women.

Women have probably used her statement - or similar statements from other people giving advice - to avoid or restrict fellatio.

And that’s okay. People shouldn’t do what they don’t want to do, right? I mean, her husband can decide he doesn't want to take out the trash, or lift that piece of furniture, or take her out to that nice restaurant, or any number of other things. But is that any way to love each other? Never doing anything unless it is your idea and what you are eager to do?

You may be reading this and thinking, "Oh, how trivial!" Well, perhaps for some. For others it isn't. The more restrictions and inhibitions placed on marital lovemaking, the more we miss out on some experience with our spouse.

I hope I'm not surprising you, but most guys enjoy receiving fellatio immensely, and a good percentage of those men enjoy ejaculating during fellatio, and a good percentage of those enjoy it if she consumes the ejaculate. Obviously, you don’t really have to swallow. You can easily fake it without him realizing (jumping up and running to the bathroom isn’t fooling anyone). Use your imagination here or look it up online.

When a man ejaculates, it is usually a moment of supersensitivity. I have felt the difference between it happening in fellatio and having the fellatio end just before. No, it doesn't feel the same in her hand, or waving in the air. The difference in feeling is huge for me. The swallowing aspect is mostly psychological, to be sure – as I suspect it is when a woman says she enjoys the feel of his ejaculation inside her in intercourse. But swallowing isn't a necessary part of completing fellatio with ejaculation. It is just the least messy, and like I said, psychologically stimulating for some men.

Sure, most women do not naturally enjoy the taste and texture of ejaculate. Some don't let on to that, some pretend to like it, and some learn to like it. Do you think the first time we smelled your natural vaginal odor, we thought "Well, that’s just like vanilla"? No way. But I learned to love it – to crave it – because it is a sign of my wife’s pleasure and it is something that is part of her. I enjoy cunnilingus so much I would continue to do it even if my wife were to never give me fellatio ever again. I told her that if she ever decides to kill me, to please do it by smothering me this way.

Not everyone is going to like everything, but if you’re married, why not try working on doing as much as you can to experience as much as you can with your spouse, provided it isn't harmful or immoral? If you're not yet married, consider that sex involves a lot of tastes, smells, and textures – and a lot of trust and often persistence. If you think you may have a problem with those, seek counseling or consider not marrying.

And isn’t that part of the "risk" one undertakes when they marry, especially if they have saved sex for marriage? Your partner may have turn-ons and likes and dislikes and turn-offs that are not entirely compatible with yours. Hopefully, love, commitment, and selflessness will help the couple to come up with solutions that are satisfying to both. You have genitals that fit together, and many ways of pleasing one another.

For those who have not saved sex for marriage, or at least certain sex acts, there should already be some idea of those things. Someone who makes those mistakes should not make another one by taking one or more of those things out of their repertoire once married. If you were physically able to do something before you married, you are physically able to do it once married, and ceasing to do so is a nasty form of "bait and switch".

A man who can’t tell the difference between ejaculating in your mouth, hand, vagina, or wherever would also be unable to tell the difference between ejaculating in your vagina and that of another woman. Does that make both the same? Of course not. It doesn’t make the latter okay, either, but if he isn't getting what he wants from his wife, it makes it more likely.

I do not excuse adultery, but I'm sure some such affairs or flings could have been avoided if the spouse who was cheated on had been willing to accomodate reasonable desires of their spouse.

That's just one guy's perspective. Feel free, as always, to chime in.

Homeless People

I've been hearing an ad on radio saying that nearly half of all homeless people in Los Angeles - or maybe it was southern California or the entire state or nation – are women or children.

This was apparently said to evoke sympathetic feelings and concern in the listener.

The implication, of course, is that it isn't as bad that grown men are homeless. It is far worse that women and children are homeless. I won’t hold my breath waiting for feminists to decry this sexism. Say, speaking of feminists, wasn't abortion supposed to prevent children from being homeless?

Of course, if "nearly half" of homeless people are women or children, that means that there are more homeless men than women and children combined. And how many homeless parents have just one child? In other words, the loss of a home can put one man, and one woman, but several children out on the streets, adding to the numbers. Frankly, I’m surprised that homeless men outnumber the homeless women and children. It just goes to show you that our overall system is less favorable to men. I won’t hold my breath waiting for feminists to shed a tear over this.

Before I go further, I want to note that these statistics usually include people most people don't consider homeless – people living in someone else's home. They could be living in a room, a garage, or sleeping on the couch, or whatever. They have a roof over their heads. Or they are in shelters. Even the "truly" homeless often have shelter of some sort or a vehicle. I've seen places where "homeless" people live in a structure and have (stolen) electricity and access to running water.

To be sure, homelessness is a bad thing - even though there are some homeless people who disagree. When someone is homeless, it means they have to stay on someone else's property, with or without their permission. But to try to get us riled up about it by noting that women are homeless, too, is the wrong way to go about it. Children should have a stable place to live, and if that means taking them away from a parent, then so be it. Women, though, if they're going to have to be taken seriously as equals, have to take the good with the bad.

It is not surprising that men make up the majority of the homeless. If there is a domestic dispute and the police get involved, men are the ones more often forced from the home. There are many more shelters for abused women than abused men. Historically, more men have served as military personnel in war zones and have suffered mental illness in part or in whole because of that experience, and the mentally ill have to be allowed their freedom, including their freedom to be homeless. Our social structure is still set up so that money flows from men to women. Men are more likely than women to go to prison, and end up homeless afterwards. And my guess is that men are more likely to choose to be homeless (yes, there are people who choose that), because women have more of a nesting instinct while men may be more adventurous and more comfortable "living off the land."

A woman who chooses a husband wisely and treats him kindly is unlikely to find herself homeless. Good husband material will earn enough and be conscientious enough to provide for her and any children they have should something happen to him. I would be curious to know how many homeless women 1) waited until marriage to have children, and 2) used to be married to a good man and treated him well. My guess is that those numbers would be extremely low.

No veteran should be homeless unless he or she wants to be. We owe them.

My guess is that teen runaways and orphans become a huge part of the homeless population, and there are things we can do to prevent that.

The solutions mostly involve strong families and private charity. Clearly government hasn't been doing such a good job. Organized, expert charities work best – simply handing cash to a homeless person likely won't change anything.

And we should not forget that men make up the majority of the homeless.

Lovemaking vs. Fornication

In an earlier entry, I posed this question:

“If you believe there is nothing wrong with sex outside of the marriage, living together, or having children out of wedlock, why should a man get married? What does he get from being married that he can’t get otherwise?”

Nobody has come forward, at least so far, to argue that cohabitation, fornication, and having children out of wedlock is okay and that a man should get married. Maybe that’s a function of my traffic. More likely, though, it is because it is very hard to argue that, under current societal conditions, a man has an advantage in getting married if it is okay for him to do all of those things without being married.

I posed the question because there are people who try to avoid admitting that those things are in any way wrong, and maintain that men should marry. But they are hard-pressed to explain why a man should marry, because if they cite the things a woman brings to the relationship, that can be countered with “Yes, but many women provide that in a relationship without being married.”

Fornication and cohabitation are detrimental to men, in my understanding, and are morally wrong. It is bad for children to be raised out of wedlock, and so it is wrong for men to put children in that situation. That’s what I believe. So I have more reason to argue that a man should marry – if he wants to have sex and be a father and live with a woman.

However, there is a dirty little secret that many men don’t want to admit, one that gives even men who do not see those things as wrong a reason to get married. (Whether it outweighs all of the reasons for them not get married is another subject.)

This dirty little secret is: Sex is Better With Someone We Love

Yes, most guys, unlike most women, can have sex without getting emotionally attached to the other person, or convincing ourselves that it means anything more than getting off. Guys tend to be visually stimulated, so if we like what we see, we get erect and can easily achieve orgasm. She doesn’t have to be our wife, she doesn’t have to be someone we love, she doesn’t even have to be real. She can be a really mean person. It doesn’t matter, as long as all we want is sexual release.

Most guys will readily admit to this from their personal feelings and their conversations with other guys. I, unfortunately, happen to know it from experience. Although I am now convinced that sex is for marriage and that sex with anyone but your spouse is a sin, I didn’t always behave that way.

Although I had what most people (including me) consider great parents, I was not raised in what I would call a Christian home. Based on what my parents did and did not teach me and societal influences, I was preoccupied with the idea that sex outside of marriage was wrong because of the possibility of spreading STDs or conceiving a child out of wedlock. It didn’t sink in to me that I belonged to God; that sex is also an emotional and spiritual act, and that fornicating would have a negative impact on me for the rest of my life, even if there were no babies made, even if there were no diseases transmitted. Bonding with the wrong women, and spending time, money, and energy foolishly were also consequences of such behavior, or the pursuit of it.

What I needed to know was that the right people would still want to be with me even if I bucked the trends and stayed chaste. What I needed to know was that being chaste would not make me less of a man, and would not be “wasting” my youth and the body God gave me. What I needed to know was that God’s rules didn’t change just because our culture made saving sex for marriage more difficult through increased stimulation, fewer impediments, and later marriages. What I needed to know was that fornicating would hinder my enjoyment of lovemaking.

As someone who has fornicated with women I loved, women I didn’t love, and then got married, I know from my own experience that sex is better with someone I love, and more so within marriage. It is better yet when I want to conceive a child than when I’m worrying that I will.

Now, this is not to say that a guy will enjoy sex more with a wife who passively and quietly remains motionless during lovemaking, who gives off signals that she’d rather be doing anything else, and who declines doing anything that might make the experience more enjoyable for either or both of them... instead of some nubile bikini model stranger who will do will do just about anything in bed without even having to be asked. If God were to say, “Okay – you’re choice: sex with a cold wife or an enthusiastic stranger – either will be okay”, most men would choose the enthusiastic stranger. But I found the very same sex acts to be more enjoyable with a woman I loved and even more so with my wife than I did with a woman I was just dating – because I was making love God’s way to my wife, not simply trying to impress someone else or get my rocks off.

I suppose that some people, especially guys, would cite guilt or some psychological hang-up to explain the difference in my experiences. But I really don’t think that made the difference. It might have been a factor, but I had pretty much dulled my conscience in this regard by the time I figured that, as long as I was going to fornicate, I wasn’t going to compound the situation by becoming attached to the wrong woman while doing it. Yes, while my morality should have driven me towards chastity, instead I became more callous and to stop letting myself get attached to a woman with whom I would not have a future (which, by the way, made those women want me all the more). I was mad at God back then. It wasn’t like I was sleeping around. It was still pretty much one woman at a time, but that was bad enough and damaging enough and doesn’t make my behavior excusable.

The guys who are players, hedonists, and the like out there may grant that it is true that sex is better within love and commitment than without, but they may still maintain that even casual sex is better than no sex, and the tradeoffs of marriage or some other sort of commitment or emotional bond are too great. I could agree...if I was an atheist or otherwise believed we were nothing more than advanced monkeys comprised of nothing but matter. But I believe we are more than just physical beings. We’re spiritual beings as well. The costs of doing things our own way instead of God’s way are too great. (And let’s never confuse doing things a feminist’s way or a woman’s way with doing things God’s way.)

Today’s Christian man should not hurry to the altar just because he has a desire for sex or for sex with a woman he loves. He should only go to the altar if he wants to be a husband, is reasonably prepared to be a husband, and has found the right woman to be his wife. While I can’t excuse either wrong, I think it is much more of a problem to marry the wrong woman or marry at all if that is not what is right for you than to fornicate. Fortunately, those aren’t the only options – as often as they are chosen. A man can marry the right woman at the right time, and a man can be a faithful follower of Christ and be unmarried.

Saying “sex is better if you’re in love” will not be enough to discourage a guy who isn’t in love to abstain from casual sex, especially when it is thrown at him. Such a guy will gladly take the casual sex until the next time he “finds love”. As men, we need to be honest with the younger males who look up to us. Yes, sex is fun, and yes, there are females who are willing to fornicate with you, but you’re better off submitting to God instead of debasing yourself, and doing so with someone else.

My advice to wives is to make your husband one of those men who can honestly say that sex is better and more frequent within marriage. Is there something you know he likes, but you aren’t really excited by it? As long as it doesn’t hurt or isn’t clearly against the Bible (such as involving another person or being publicly immodest), go ahead and do it anyway. If your husband can honestly talk of the benefits of marriage in this regard, he will be more effective in persuading younger males that saving sex for marriage is for the best. The more men who believe that, the better off women will be, too.

If you are an unmarried woman who cares about promoting marriage, especially because you desire to marry, you can also help in this regard by not fornicating.

Twelve Year Old Worried About Superficiality

PLAIN OLD ME IN NORTH CAROLINA writes into Dear Abby:

I am a 12-year-old, and I'm not pretty.

Most twelve-year-olds think this about themselves. Quite often, they are wrong. But guess what? Some of the women considered most beautiful today will tell you that they thought they were ugly at age twelve, or that others thought they were ugly. You have a lot of growing left to do.

I just started seventh grade, and I have noticed that people date each other based completely on looks.

Seventh graders shouldn’t be dating, unless you are talking about spending time with each other’s families pretty much like you would someone you were "just friends" with.

Many adults date each other completely on looks, too, by the way.

I think that's superficial, and I wouldn't want to date someone just because of it.

Superficial? How deep do you expect twelve year olds to be when it comes to dating? They should be focusing on school and hobbies.

People are passed over because of their looks who may actually be nice people inside.

That’s going to happen all through life. I’m not saying it is right – I’m saying that’s just the way it is. You can decide not to pass someone up because of their looks. But you can’t keep someone else from passing you up because of your looks.

The fact is, more attractive people have some things easier in life. Especially women. We do a disservice to our youth when we lie about that. This girl may blossom into a very attractive woman (heck she could already be a pretty girl). There are things she can do to make that more likely. While genes play a large role, they aren’t the only things at work. Diet, exercise, dental care, grooming, poise, attitude, the ability to flirt; knowing which clothing, hair style, and makeup applications flatter her most… those can all help.

She needs to learn about herself, though, and what she wants to do with her life, because that will determine what kind of man, if any, she wants to attract and keep, and that will determine how she socializes.

Most of all, she should be focusing on her studies, hobbies, and interpersonal skills at that age. It can seem like “everyone” is dating, but they aren’t and most of those that are shouldn’t be.

Fathers, let your daughters know they are valuable for more than just their appearance – that they can get attention from males without exposing themselves.

Dear Abby responds:

Good looks can be an asset.

Darn right.

However, before you put yourself down anymore about what you inherited from your parents, it's important that you give yourself a reality check. Their appearance didn't prevent them from finding each other attractive and falling in love.

You’re assuming she isn’t the result of a drunken one night stand.

Also, it takes some people longer to mature into their final "product" than it does others. In other words, the way you look now at age 12 isn't necessarily the way you will look by the middle or end of your teens.

That’s what I said. That reminds me. Social networking sites reveal some very interesting results of time. Some of the girls that had the run of the school because they were considered pretty ain't so pretty anymore, and some of the girls who didn't turn heads now do.

That's why it is so important to develop your personality and your mind, so you will have tools for success later in life.

Even the most beautiful women should know a few things so that they don’t end up destitute when they age. If your plan is to marry rich, it is still possible for him to spend all of the money and die or have it all taken away due to crime or bad investments, and then what would you do? We have many examples of people who have made tens of millions of dollars who later went broke. She should learn to be a happy and productive person own her own. If she wants a relationship and finds one, great.

Silence

Well, the silence on my previous post is deafening. Nobody wanted to take a crack at it? Or have I scared everyone away?

Sex, Cohabitation, Children, Marriage

Here’s a question prompted by discussion of my last post or two:

If you believe there is nothing wrong with sex outside of the marriage, living together, or having children out of wedlock, why should a man get married? What does he get from being married that he can’t get otherwise?

I’m not just posting those questions rhetorically. I want answers from anyone who happens to read this. Please tell me what you think. If you want to tell me but don’t want your comment public, say so in your comment and I won’t publish it (comments need my approval – not agreement - to be published because I don’t want anyone being libeled on my blog).

If you think sex outside of marriage is okay and that living together is okay, but you think it is wrong to have children outside of marriage, then let’s assume the man doesn’t want children at all and has undergone a successful vasectomy. Same questions, then.

If anyone who thinks it is okay to have sex outside of marriage and live together unmarried is tempted to cite religion in their reason for a man to marry, please tell me which religion compels a man to marry but is okay with sex outside of marriage, living together, and, if applicable, having children out of wedlock.

I look forward to any answers. Thanks!

You Picked Him, Sister

There’s a classmate from years ago that I am in touch with very casually through a social networking site. She’s a divorced mother of two who not long ago announced happily that she was going to start shacking up with the guy with whom she was fornicating. From time to time, she blogs to complain about her ex. Excerpts to recent entries are below, with any identifying information such as names changed, but most of the punctuation/typing/spelling mistakes kept.

Ok so I am a little pissed at my ex, what else is new you say? Well here is the scoop,,My boys are both in sports, One is a Freshman and plays football, we are very proud of him for that,,( we meaning [shack up honey] and myself, and my friends) and and my youngest is in soccer. They both love it and I support them and encourage them to the best of my abitlity, Well this weekend is Steve’s first soccer game and its on Saturday, all his games on are Saturday. So I had emailed my ex if he was able to make sure he gets the boys this weekend, and what has been going on like Steve is back in afterschool care and Robert has practice til almost 6 every night except game night, Anyhow I also mentioned that Steve has a game and could he make sure he gets to his game,,I have also emailed him the boys schedule for both boys,,,,for there games,,so HE CAN GO AND BE A DAD AND SHOW UP AND SHOW HIS SUPPORT!!!! well here is the reply i got from him –

"""" I will not take them or pick them up from any games or practices, so if one or both of them have games or practices this weekend. Then I will wait till they have a free weekend. For both of them to come here and stay the whole weekend"""""""

The guy does sound like he is clueless about how the sports work, and he should support his children in their pursuit of sports by taking them to their games and attending. At least he expresses an interest in having them for the whole weekend.

let me remind you the reader that soccer goes until almost November and his games are like every Saturday, I have given him alot of notice in adnvance, I
sent him a list of games and the dates that I got from the coach,,Man I just dont get him, I emailed back and waiting for a reply,,,""Why dont you want to go to steve's game? or why dont you want to go to Robert’s football game??"""

Maybe he hates sports more than he cares about supporting the needs of his children? Or maybe he’d rather spend time with them one-on-one? She says she doesn’t get him, yet she picked him and made two boys with him. Not just one… two. She spread her legs for him. She said vows opposite of him.

So I am kinda waiting,,not really, but I am curious on his excuse. Its funny Robert mentioned a bit ago, that "dad is really trying hard to do better,"' Well my response to him has been "Robert if dad was trying or getting better,,he would go to your games or your brothers,,and what does he do,,he proves me right.

Isn’t that lovely? The boy is trying to defend his father and his mother cuts him down.

He shows that he has no interest in his childrens life. WOW take them for an extra weekend here and there to do what, ,,oh play computer games all weekend,,and eat out all the time,,,and still,,not get a new fridge(remind you this is going on year two with no fridge)

Wow, he sounds bad. Too bad we don’t live in a country where women are free to choose the man they marry and make babies with so she could have avoided this mess. I’m sure he was a stellar husband and fatherly-type, a fine upstanding and responsible person until he magically became this irresponsible jerk right after the second boy was born.

Why do i bother sending my kids to there DEAD BEAT DAD????? I understand that my divorce papers say I have to,,and my kids want to see him,,

That’s right. You chose to marry him and make babies with him, and the courts get to set certain conditions – like visitation and child support.

but i really wonder why they want to see him now,since he just doesnt have any effort in showing them he is a dad and a dad who wants to share there life with him,

That isn’t true. He said he wants them for the whole weekend. But why does a woman wonder why boys wants to spend time with a man that she let inside her own body? That she married?

You know,,its not like you have to like soccer or football, or even understand it,,,but just to be there for your kids and show them that your interested in what they do and like would make a world of difference in there heart and mind,

I agree with that. But again, you picked him.

GOD knows that i was abused when I was younger, things like this affected me later in life,,so thats whats going to happen to my boys,,,

What a surprise. Too bad that as an adult, you didn’t take steps to make a better life for yourself and your children.

but me and [shack up honey] will be there for them as much as they neeed us,,

Don’t count on it! He hasn’t married you or adopted them.

I JUST WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT I LOVE THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING, AND I MAKE CHANGES FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF THEM,

Then move into the home of some responsible married relatives so your kids can have good supervision and stop shacking up.

She posted a second entry to update us.

Ok so in the last blog I was waiting for a reply on his email on why he wont take them to there games or pratices,,well here is his response

""" I have zero interest in ever going to games or practices. I guess I'm just an asshole that way. That is a family activity and, we are not a family. So unless you come get Steven and drop him back off he will be missing his game. See you Friday around 6. """

??? so he is right we are not family anymore, but arent the boys his kids too,,god we dont even have to be around each other,,just be there for the kids,,You dont even have to like sports for gods sakes,,,I dont even understand alot of football or
soccer,,but Im there cause my boys are important to me, and I am a proud mom,
even if they dont want to continue what they are doing for next year, at least
they tried, and I was there for them every step of the way. The only reason I
sent them to dads, is because they want to see him, and my papers say I have
too, its really sad though, cause I really really deep down dont want them to
go. I told my oldest what hisreply was,,,and he was pissed and said that was
stupid,,and yup your right, but I cant do anything about your dad, he is who he is.

So she is showing her son things he shouldn’t see and badmouthing his father. And she can’t do anything about him now – that is why you CHOOSE WISELY and don’t marry and make babies with the wrong guy to begin with! While becoming a mother may have changed her outlook and feelings, a guy may not have the same reaction. These gals marry these guys and make babies with them and expect them to change into completely different guys. WE COME AS-IS! Don’t like us the way we are – DON’T MARRY US.

I also believe that things will change in due time.

See what I mean? THEY AREN’T GOING TO CHANGE!

Now, I don’t know his side of it. I don’t know the circumstances of their marriage, the pregnancies, or the divorce. Yes, I think he should take his kids to their games and be there for him. That’s what I would do. But that is me. This gal married and made babies with an “asshole” and expects him to be different?

I finally couldn’t take it anymore and wrote her an e-mail, trying to be careful so as to not cause her to cut off contact. Hopefully, I can provide some ongoing influence. Here is what I wrote to her:

Regarding your latest blog entries... I feel for your kids.

I hope you apply what you've learned. What I mean is that, when you know of another woman, especially a younger one, who is either heading for marriage with a guy who is a boy but not a MAN, or is having sex (risking making babies) with such a boy... I hope you don't simply say, "Hey, congratulations! I'm glad you're happy." I hope you instead warn her that she should find a MAN, not a boy, otherwise she could end up with a deadbeat ex as the "sperm donor" to her kids.

People usually don't want to hear something like that. They don't want anyone raining on their fantasy. But if you can prevent someone else - another woman and kids - from going through what you've gone through, you'll be doing them a huge favor.

It really sucks that there are guys out there who don't act like MEN and FATHERS to the kids they helped create. But it also sucks that women continue to volunteer to marry and/or get pregnant by such boys.

I'm doing my part to either encourage guys to be MEN or at least not ruin the life of a woman or a kid. If they want to stay boys, they can get snipped and avoid marriage.

Let me be clear that I do not believe that remaining unmarried means someone is immature. You can be a fulfilled and mature adult and never have gotten married. But I do think that people who are immature should not marry nor make babies.

Weddings Don’t Have to Mean Debt

Andrea Chang of the Los Angeles Times wrote an article about keeping wedding costs down.

Wedding costs can be outrageous. Every dollar spent on the wedding is more than a dollar that you won’t have down the road during the marriage – to spend on a home, or a car, or education, or retirement, or medical care, or insurance, or a vacation.

A typical bride-to-be, Katrina Macrae has bought a dress, browsed different varieties of flowers and settled on a date and location for her April nuptials.

But her bridal gown is actually an ivory-colored prom dress that she picked up for $160. The flowers will be purchased wholesale from the flower district in downtown Los Angeles the day before the wedding. And she's getting married to her fiance, Scott Smith, on a Sunday, when location fees are usually cheaper.

My wife also found in inexpensive – but very beautiful – dress, and got the flowers wholesale.

At a time when the average wedding costs about $30,000, Macrae, of Redondo Beach, plans to spend $8,000.

$30,000 – and that’s for average. That’s probably taking into account those quickie civil ceremonies. Some people spend much more than $30,000 on the flowers alone. Ridiculous. We beat the average, thankfully, and still had the wedding in a beautiful church on a Saturday.

Then, in April, she was laid off from her job at an architectural firm because of the cooling housing market, and Turner said she realized more than ever that a wedding shouldn't mean "starting your life off with debt."

That is true even in an economic boom.

And when Turner learned she'd have to fork over $4.25 per guest for a cake-cutting fee, she scrapped plans for a wedding cake and ordered cupcakes.

Good for her! I attended a wedding where the bride and groom had a small cake of their own, and everyone else got some of several sheet cakes from Costco. Good move.

There’s a paradox in our current culture that has elevated weddings while degrading marriage. The wedding day has always been the bride’s big day (you don’t see Modern Groom magazine on many coffee tables, do you?), and so the tradition that her parents pay for the wedding made some sense. Now, as people have their weddings later in life, they tend to pay more for their own. Since women tend to marry men who earn more than they do, what this really means is that the groom is paying for the bride’s party. Her day to wear an expensive dress she’ll never wear again. Her day to be the center of attention. Her day to have flowers everywhere, that will die in mere days. Plus to even get there, he has to buy her an expensive diamond and gold ring.

We’ve turned weddings into an excuse to throw parties and get gifts and then go on a vacation.

And then there are weddings where I have to wonder why the groom is even bothering. If they are already shacking up, why, other than the parties and gifts, should they bother to get married? And get married in a church, no less? I know why some guys do this – they are afraid she’s going to leave without a wedding. The thing is, if they were shacking up for a while, chances are she’s going to leave anyway, or rather kick him out - or so the statistics would have us believe. Only post-wedding, he’ll be obligated to pay her alimony.

Let’s not forget the bachelorette parties, either, which, from what I understand, tend to get raunchier than bachelor parties. Why bother to get married if you value your intended so little that you’ll participate in some of those shenanigans? Just stay single and enjoy those shenanigans whenever you want to. I firmly asserted that I would not have stippers, "dancers", prostitutes, porn films, or any related stuff of that sort in my pre-wedding festivities, and despite prodding from some of the guys, I insisted on sticking to that.

We should celebrate marriage with nice weddings, but we should also celebrate marriage in other ways – like saving sex and living together for marriage. But how many of us do that? Attending a wedding used to mean pledging, as a witness, to support that covenant. It wasn't just a party and a meal.

Finally… since weddings are really about the bride, and since more often the groom is the one paying for it, I think most of these guys should see if they can get a pre-nup that will take the costs of the wedding – with interest – out of any money she gets in the event of a divorce – especially if she is the one who files for divorce. Not sure if such a stipulation would stick.

Please Stop Watching “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”

Although I own shares of ABC’s parent company, I hereby urge everyone (which mostly means women) to stop watching “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”. Isn’t it obvious now that, like other matchmaking “reality” shows, that the goal isn’t matching compatible people for lasting relationships? The goal is to get you to watch the show. That means participants and situations are going to be selected to be geared towards that, not towards developing an honorable relationship. With extreme rare exceptions (maybe no exceptions, actually), these kinds of shows have failed to produce a lasting relationship. Just about any other television show, reality or otherwise, has had a better track record than the modern matchmaking shows. The real goal of any of the pool of hopefuls is to stay on television as long as possible, not to find true love. How can you find true love with cameras and bright lights and a crew surrounding you whenever you are together?

Here’s E! Online Natalie Finn’s story on the latest with “The Bachelor”. Last I checked, E! is partially owned by ABC’s parent company, so this isn’t going to be hard-hitting journalism.

Recent Bachelorette reject Jason Mesnick, whose heart DeAnna Pappas passed over in her own second-time-around quest for love, has signed on to be the new
Bachelor when the ABC series returns in January 2009.

Ugh.

The hunky single dad from Seattle had been all primed to propose, ring and everything, when Pappas stopped him from getting down on one knee, leaving him—and plenty of viewers—crushed.

He’s a divorced dad. He shouldn’t be dating. Much less on TV. He should be concentrating on raising his child.

Instead, she opted for 26-year-old snowboarder Jesse Csincsak.

And how is that working out? You can keep track of this sort of thing on Wikipedia.

Now Mesnick gets another shot at making the perfect match. The hunt is on for 25 ladies willing to bare their hearts, souls and, in some cases, claws on national TV.

And be portrayed as the producers/editors choose. Actually many of them are struggling/hopeful actresses anyway, and they will act on the show.

The logistics are still being hammered out, but Chris Harrison, who hosts both The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, told iFilm.com during the recent Television Critics Association press tour that Mesnick's 3-year-old son, Ty, "would have to take center stage."

Great. Let’s screw up this kid as much as possible.

“If they look for the right people [to cast], anything is possible."

Hey, buddy, they aren’t going to cast people who are fundamentally compatible with you – at least not for the most part. They are going to cast a wide variety of attractive women based on their ability to fill archetypes, stereotypes, and entertain the audience.

Sexism Holding Career Women Back?

If I was a bettin’ man, I’d wager that Tom Leykis will talk about this one on his show today – provided it isn’t a tape or the time isn’t taken up with some comedian plugging an upcoming gig.

Women are their own workplace enemies when it comes to cracking the glass ceiling, with an international study finding they are less likely to promote themselves and network than their male counterparts.

Surprise, surprise!

I have worked in places where my boss was female and most of my coworkers were female. Many of my coworkers confided that they prefer male bosses.

The 2008 study, part of U.S. behavioral scientist Shannon L. Goodson's new book "The Psychology of Sales Call Reluctance," compared almost 11,500 professional women with 16,700 men from 34 countries.

Sounds extensive.

Goodson said professional women in Britain, the United States and China were more likely to promote their interests, whereas women in New Zealand and Sweden are the most timid, followed by Australian and Canadian women.

But overall, women were not doing enough to advance their own careers, she said in a statement.

For both men and women other priorities often interfere with career advancement. However, the fact is, men don’t get pregnant and they don’t nurse. They also don't take time off because of a bad period.

"Being able to draw attention to your contributions and competencies at work has become an important part of modern career management, and it is something most women are still unwilling or unable to do as consistently as their male counterparts," she added.

Sometimes, you have to be aggressive. Plus men, as the sexual pursuers through most of history and across cultures, have had to market themselves. It is more likely to be in our system.

Goodson's research also found that women who had managed to climb up the
corporate ladder tended to "take the ladder with them," sometimes even sabotaging the chances of other female workers seeking promotion.

Sad, but true.

This part of the study, which was conducted mainly in the United States, revealed women executives may not be as encouraging or supportive of female staff.

I’ve heard that complaint.

"This led many women in the study to actually prefer male managers to female
managers, claiming men are more consistent and fair-minded than women," Goodson added.

If a man said this he’d be savaged as a sexist pig. But denying reality impedes progress.

I’m glad that feminism gave women some real choices. But the feminists who tried to convince women that they could have it all were not being honest. The fact is, you must make choices. You won’t be able to take every opportunity before you. Men who want to ascend to the top of the business world need to be cautious about marrying and starting a family, and this is even more true for women. Women who want to scale those heights need to market themselves and sometimes be aggressive. And it looks like it might help to get a male boss.

More Marriage Fun in Dear Abby

PRACTICAL IN DENVER, who “despises” wearing rings, yet plans to get engaged, wrote:

I have an expensive heirloom ring I would gladly give to my lady if she'd keep it in the safe deposit box where it belongs. I don't want to insure it, deal with it if she loses it, or know I caused her to be injured if a thug tried to steal it. If I give it to her, she'll want to wear it.

I wonder if this guy even has a good reason for proposing? While their obvious disagreement over wearing jewelry should not be a dealbreaker, I do have to wonder if this guy has stepped back to take a look at the larger picture.

She doesn't need an ornament to prove she's special or loved.

No, she doesn’t. Come to think of it, I can’t recall a good explanation for why a man who does want to get married should buy an engagement ring for a woman. Don’t pull out the “tradition” card unless you are consistent about sticking to tradition. Life has changed. Women can vote now. They own their own property, earn their own money, and have their own authority. So why is a man supposed to spend thousands of dollars on a ring? Wouldn’t that money be better served building a life together?

I'd rather give her an annuity or something useful.

Not a bad idea.

I feel the same when I see rings in the workplace and socially. Why not just duct-tape a $1,000 bill to your forehead if you want to call attention to yourself?

It’s called “pretend”. We’ve pretended that gold and diamonds are classy in a way that wearing cash isn’t.

He should keep the heirloom, and if he’s going to give her a ring, it should be a new one.

Dear Abby responded:

Before you pop the question, be absolutely sure you and your lady have a meeting of the minds on this subject.

Sounds like a good idea.

Candidly, from the tone of your letter you come across as rigid, opinionated and controlling.

Of course! A man who doesn’t want to blow thousands of dollars on a ring for someone else is controlling. Any man who doesn’t allow women to run his life is controlling.

While you are entitled to your biases, if you marry an "intelligent and productive working woman," she should be able to decide for herself what kind of jewelry is appropriate.

She sure can. She can also buy it herself.

Also, I find it sad that you would rather keep an expensive heirloom ring hidden in a safety deposit box than have your lady enjoy it -- presuming, of course, that it's her taste and she WOULD enjoy wearing it.

And assuming, that the laws of his state and the practicalities of the courts there make it reasonably certain he would get the ring back without penalty if she decided to commit adultery and file for divorce.

TROUBLED IN TORONTO wrote in:

I'm a divorcee, dating a man I'll call "Jack," who has been separated from his wife for three years. We've known each other two years and have been intimate for 11 months now.

So you are fornicating with a married man.

Jack's daughter is being married in Mexico in two months. I have met both his adult children; they seem happy he is finally in a relationship. The problem is, Jack hasn't invited me to the wedding.

Fornicating with someone does not make you part of the family.

Jack attended my son's wedding with me last summer. It was 1,500 miles away. I had no problem taking him there.

You were free to make that choice. He is free to make his. You are free to stop fornicating with him. Although it does seem strange to take a married man with whom you are fornicating to a wedding. I mean, why celebrate marriage if you don't actually respect marriage and see a difference between someone being married and someone no longer being married?

Jack says he isn't divorced because he doesn't want to "pay the cost" of one -- although he does have a separation agreement.

I know a lot of women scoff at that, but divorce is costly for men.

I suspect he wants to avoid the stress of revealing our relationship to his former wife, who left him after 25 years of marriage.

Or maybe you are more of a booty call? Or maybe his daughter doesn’t want you there? Maybe he is hoping his wife will come back? Maybe it is all of the above?

Prostitution?

W. Tom Foster of Santa Ana, California, wrote in to the Orange County Register:

So we are paying multiple members of the law-enforcement community upward of $100,000 per year to cruise the Internet hunting down persons who wish to engage in sexual activity for money ["Prostitution fight hits Web," Local, Aug. 17].

Why hasn't Heather Mills, the ex-wife of Paul McCartney, been arrested? I guess charging $50 million for a few years of promised sexual activity doesn't count.

Don’t forget Phil Collins’ third wife. How many songs did she write or perform again? Why does she deserve all of that money? Oh, that’s right. She was clever enough to marry a man without an effective pre-nup.

I can understand why people don't want hookers walking Harbor Boulevard, but two people meeting over the Internet and making arrangements to go to a motel
doesn't seem all that bad to me – especially when we have gangs and illegal drug
users robbing people and desecrating our cities with spray paint.

Well, we can always come up with hierarchy of crime and say that we shouldn’t be committing resources to X, Y, or Z as long as there are murders being committed, But I do find myself leaning to and fro on the fence about prostitution. I defy anyone to present an objective difference between most present-day dating and prostitution. Why is chatting online and agreeing to have sex and that one person will give money to another any different from agreeing to have sex after one pays for dinner for another?

As long as our laws and courts say that sexual activity between consenting adults is a private matter and can’t be criminalized (uh, except if they are related, or work together, or any number of exceptions), then I find it hard to see why this activity should be illegal. Streetwalking is a different story. A public street is owned by the people and the people can collectively decide whether or not to allow that. When a road is private, it should up to the owner of the road.

Again, I believe sex is for marriage and that all sex outside of marriage is wrong. Whether or not it should be illegal is a different matter.

Good Work, Tom

Tom Leykis helps snag a possible murderer. Read about it here.

When He Calls Off the Wedding

There was a caller to Dr. Laura today whose ex-fiancé called off their wedding two months out. He gave many reasons, any one of which should have been enough to show that he didn’t want to get married. At least not then. At least not to her. Dr. Laura pointed out to the caller that she should be happy that he called off the wedding when he did instead of waiting until after they were married and expecting a child to reveal that he didn’t want to be married.

The caller was emotional, no doubt in part to the fact that she had started seeing him again – which I’m sure means that they were fornicating, only now he didn’t have to face a wedding and marriage.

When a guy calls off a wedding, it often comes as a complete surprise to the woman who was expecting to be a bride. That’s because, especially that close to the wedding, she is so wrapped up in planning her party, her big day, that she will ignore any of the clues.

Why do men call off weddings? I’ve never called off a wedding that had a date set. I was once "engaged" to a woman who kept breaking up with me and kept handing back the engagement ring and then kept coming back to me and insisting that we simply resume like nothing had happened. Yeah, I was ridiculous back then to put up with that at all, but I had it in my head that you were supposed to make a relationships work. I didn’t yet realize that 1) not all people who were somewhat compatible in their outlook on life are meant to be together, and 2) there was nothing wrong with being single and that it was preferable at that age. Fortunately, I smartened up enough to decide that I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than take her back yet again, and I made it stick. Having been through that, having gone through a wedding myself, and having a Y chromosome, I have something to say about why men call off weddings.

A man calls off weddings because:

He’s realized he doesn’t want to get married
-to you
-yet
-at all

Maybe he never wanted to get married to begin with. Maybe he proposed marriage or agreed to get married because he felt obligated because 1) you got pregnant; 2) you’re shacking up or at least fornicating; 3) he’s getting something from you like a job through your dad or your cooking and cleaning services; 4) his family was pressuring him.

But maybe that wasn’t the case. Either way, let’s look at the possibilities.

He doesn’t want to get married to you. You may not believe that because he was willing to fornicate with you, but men will stick their penises in knotholes on 2x4s. You may not believe it because he was shacking up with you. But shacking up is different than marriage. So is dating you for a really long time. Men don't grow up dreaming about their wedding day the same way women do.

But even if he, at one time, genuinely wanted to get married to you, that could have changed.

Why? Maybe it is because he’s learned more about you and your family – more of the flaws and baggage and shortcomings and personality differences, how you behave under stress or pressure, and he’s decided he can’t handle it, or at least doesn’t want to deal with it. Maybe as you started to taste the power you would have as a wife, your true nature started to reveal itself and he didn’t like he saw. Let’s face it – when a man gets married in today’s society, he’s forfeiting a lot of his power over himself – legally and socially. He’s forming a corporation with you, and if you should decide to break it up, he will lose half of everything that corporation earned, which more often means what he earned. A man may grow uncomfortable forfeiting his power and autonomy and earnings to a woman who has already started to show a pre-occupation with her own wants and willful ignorance of his needs. Ideally, a woman is also giving up her autonomy when she marries, but there’s nothing in the law that can enforce that, and a husband risks getting branded as "controlling" if he expects his wife not to behave like an unmarried woman.

He doesn’t want to get married yet. Circumstances may have changed – jobs, earnings, bills, health, whatever. He’s realized that he isn’t - or is no longer - in a position to take on the responsibilities of being a husband.

He doesn’t want to get married at all. Some men don’t realize this until marriage looms close and they suddenly realize what marriage means in today’s society. With community property and no-fault divorce laws, the only thing a state-licensed marriage guarantees is: 1) the spouse who earns more will have to pay the other spouse in the event of divorce; 2) any child born to the wife will be considered the husband’s by default. State-licensed marriage also tends to mean that a stepchild living in the marital home will be entitled to child support from the stepparent in the event of a divorce. These things usually work against men.

Is there anything a woman who wants to be wife can do to reduce the chances of having her wedding called off (or, for that matter, reduce her changes of divorce)? Yes.

Realize that your vagina is not magic. Using it or thinking about it (if you are holding out) will not make a man who doesn’t want to get married, or married yet, or married to you change his mind. If you have been dating for four years and you’re not married yet – chances are, he doesn’t really want to get married. It’s different if one or both of you is still in school, but in that case you should be seeing other people or nobody at all anyway.

Don’t pressure or nag a man to propose. If a man wants to marry you and he is ready to be a husband, he will propose on his own. It is perfectly fine saying on or before the first date (or on a second date or whatever) that you are dating to find a spouse. It is also fine to say at any time during the dating that you do not plan on living with or having sex with any man who is not your husband… or anything else you won’t be doing until you are married. But do not nag or pressure.

Don’t get pregnant hoping that will get him to marry you or will fix problems in a marriage.

Do not accept a marriage proposal too quickly into the relationship – most likely, something is amiss if he proposes too fast.

Save sex for marriage, then give him enthusiastic, passionate, or playful sex any time he wants it. Hey, I know this advice will not be followed by most women, but it works. A corollary to this is: do not shack up – wait until you are married to live together. If you are fornicating, and especially if you are shacking up, he has less motivation to marry you, and you may want to get married and he may agree to even if you are not the right spouses for each other because you have formed these bonds.

Make him glad you are getting married, and then glad he married you. You do this by paying attention to his needs, and that includes not letting yourself fall apart. If you picked the right man, he will pay attention to your needs. Deal with your major problems or challenges before committing – such as establishing yourself, paying off debt, getting your head shrunk, settling deadly vendettas, serving your prison time, etc.

Only commit to someone who is compatible with you in the most important areas of life, such as major goals, existing and desired lifestyle, worldview, and personality. This should be basic, but too many people, especially women, come up with this play in their heads and "cast" someone to fill the role of their romantic lead, ignoring that the real person does not match the "scripted" role.

Get pre-marital counseling with clergy or through your church (or equivalent), or with a family-minded licensed therapist. Strongly consider legal and financial counseling, including a pre-nuptial agreement that spells out expectations and conditions. The state already has a pre-nup for you – you might as well have one to which both of you agree, even if you don’t have any significant assets – yet. It is also a good thing to meet as a couple with your respective doctors so that any medical conditions that either of you have and their ramifications are discussed. Surprises and secrets in these areas are almost never a good thing.

So there you have it. You can completely ignore my advice if you’d like. Goodness knows, I didn’t know all of this before I got married, and so I definitely didn’t stick to all of this.

Dear Margo Advises Catholic Guy About His Dating

HEARTSICK recently wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am a 23-year-old Catholic male. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 17.

That wasn’t really a serious relationship. It only felt like it to you.

Even though we dated for three years, we never went "all the way."

Good for you.

Now I am intimidated by women who have more sexual history than I do.

Intimidated? Is that the right word? You should only be intimidated if they are
assaulting you.

I have always believed that one sexual partner for one's entire life is the ideal.

You mean you believe in line with your religion? Wow. Imagine that.

Here comes the fun part.

Recently, a 20-year-old woman whom I care for deeply told me in explicit detail about a sexual experience she had with a 45-year-old man she met on the Internet.

RED FLAGS! (And there’s that “met on the Internet” thing again. It is completely irrelevant. It is like saying “met in a library”. Come to think of it, he might be in the "friend" category for her anyway, making this whole thing pointless.)

She did not mean to have sex with him, she told me, and the circumstances as she explained them sounded like borderline rape.

Hmmmm. So she thought a 45-year-old man simply found her, a 20-year-old, so fascinating and insightful, that he just had to meet her in person, in private? Hey, I speak from experience - when a 45 year old you met online wants to spend time with you and you are 20, they want sex; even if the sexes are reversed. (No, I'm nowhere near 45. You figure it out.)

Okay – let’s go over the possibilities here:

1) She was naïve and showed very poor judgment and wanted to get her ego stroked so badly that she put herself in a very bad situation and was raped. I do not excuse rape, just like I do not excuse grand theft auto, but I think someone who leaves the keys in the ignition and the car door open and unattended is still an idiot.

2) She is not telling you the truth or telling it wholly or accurately. This could be because she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her own actions, so she could be recasting her fornication as rape.

3) She attracts “dangerous” men.

Do you want to be with a woman like that? At the very least, she isn’t ready to be in a healthy relationship. Actually, at 23, you probably have some more time to go before you see someone exclusively anyway. You should be out dating various women so you can be sure to develop a good idea of what kind of woman you enjoy spending time with. Wish someone would have told me that when I was 23.

Think about this – if this woman engaged willingly in fornication with this guy and then later recasts it as rape, she is more likely to do the same with you. False rape accusations are nothing to take lightly.

However, if she was raped, you can hardly call this “sexual experience”. And if she was raped, she should turn that guy in to law enforcement.

I am afraid that if I stay involved with her, the knowledge of that experience will eat away at me.

Leave now. If she was raped, she doesn’t need someone like you adding to her troubles. If she simply had sex she claims to regret, it will still bother you. Either way, it is best to move on.

Doesn’t the Roman Catholic Church have all sorts of people for this guy to turn to for advice in situations like this? It seems to me that writing in to Dear Margo is fishing for getting the exact answer he wants to hear.

Dear Margo responded:

I encourage you to move away from your instinct to "fully understand" or to find and punish this man.

Move away altogether.

It would be a shame to end the relationship because of something basically out of this woman's control.

Would it really? Should everyone volunteer to subject themselves to a relationship with someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? We’re not talking a married couple where one spouse gets traumatized. We’re talking about a new dating situation. If he doesn’t want to knowingly enter in to a new relationship with someone who has PTSD, that is his choice and certainly understandable.

Because you say you are intimidated by women more experienced than you are, perhaps a few sessions with a mental health professional will help you over this hurdle.

Be sure to pick a solid Catholic, or at least Biblical counselor. Otherwise, you’ll get someone who will tell you that the solution is to fornicate a lot. Or, you could stick to women who don’t have more “experience” than you. There’s nothing wrong with that. But make no mistake: If someone is raped, that does not mean something is wrong with them or they are sexually impure.

Checking in on Dear Abby Again

More often then not, I see stuff in advice columns that I want to discuss here. But I run out of time. Couldn’t let this one slip.

LOST IN THE BIG CITY wrote in to Dear Abby:

Nine months ago, my wife, "Marie," left to go shopping and never came back. She took off leaving me and our three sons, ages 12, 14 and 16, without a word.

Wow, that’s very irresponsible of a spouse and parent.

We had been married 25 years.

Which means in a lot of places, she could file for divorce and live off alimony for the rest of her life. Yeah, that's justice.

We had no contact for the first three months, and she has not helped support the kids in any way. She told no one -- including her family -- that she had left.

Sounds like she has a problem with communication.

Marie has recently started talking about coming home, but I have mixed feelings. I asked why she left. She said she was unhappy and tired of living a lie. What lie? Marie refuses to elaborate.

She might expect you to read her mind, and be insulted that you are unaware of her pain and suffering.

Two of our sons don't want her back.

They don’t really get a say. They are minor children. The parents run the home.

They felt abandoned when she disappeared.

They were abandoned by her!

Dear Abby responded:

Under the circumstances, I'd say the feelings you and the boys are experiencing are normal. However, all of you need to come to terms with why your wife and their mother walked out so abruptly. Before she returns, it is important that you understand why she felt that leaving the way she did was her only option.

There is some truth to this. It would be helpful for the husband to figure out what went wrong and what his part was in it – even it was nothing more than choosing the wrong woman to marry and make three children with. He could have been an excellent husband for 25 years, but if he picked the wrong woman, this kind of thing could happen anyway.

HOWEVER, can anyone imagine this would be Dear Abby’s response if it was a wife writing about her husband having left and wanting to come back, but not confessing what he did and why? Regardless of gender, the unhappy spouse should explain the reason for their unhappiness, unless it is something that can’t be changed or was previously mutually accepted as part of their lives. The spouse/parent who bailed out so irresponsibly should confess their error, repent of it, beg forgiveness, and get help. The abandoned spouse should try to determine if there was anything reasonable that they could have done differently, but not excuse the desertion.

The entire family needs counseling together.

The husband should also look into having her sign a post-nuptial agreement and some other paperwork that will protect the rest of the family should she decide to leave again. I doubt that he can legally prevent her from moving back in, which means he probably has no leverage to get her to sign such paperwork, but he should definitely consult with an attorney anyway.

Parents With Minor Children Should Not Date

I know the divorce rate is high, even among groups that consider marriage to be sacred lifelong commitments. I know there are many people who’ve become parents out of wedlock. And I also realize that most people continually seek companionship in the romantic sense, so I know that my position that people with minor children should be focusing on them instead of dating/marrying a new person isn’t a popular one. Yes, there are some great stepparents out there.

But I think it is impossible to really separate your marriage from your children. If your children are from a previous marriage, they may think of a re-marriage as a rejection of them, despite what you tell them, especially if their other parent it still around. They may also feel this way if it has just been you and kid(s) for a while. Is it good for kids to have a role-model from the other gender around? Yes, it is. But that can be somewhat fulfilled with other relationships - your siblings, your parents, a coach, etc.

A new spouse will mean that less of your time and energy can go to your kids. If that spouse has children of their own already, it is unlikely that all of the children are going to be treated equally. If you have more children with that new spouse, it becomes even more of an issue with uneven treatment, jealousy, rejection, and competition. You can’t expect your minor children to handle these things like adults. They aren’t adults, and growing up is hard enough without added chaos.

Second marriages after divorce are even more likely than first marriages to end in divorce, and third marriages… well you get the idea. That brings more drama and turmoil to the children. If the person you made the child with was a bad partner or parent, you may be bad at picking partners. It’s somewhat different in the case of most widows and widowers, provided the deceased wasn’t self-destructive.

And while it may be that only a small minority of stepparents are abusers, the likelihood of a child being abused is higher with a stepparent. Even more so with a “live-in” unmarried partner. Also, the process of finding that new partner exposes you to abuse, assault and infection, and your child to an increased likelihood of abuse, as we see all of the time in the news. That is time and energy you should be spending with your child anyway. Your child is living without their mother or father, at least in your home.

Men who have options and are desirable partners, men who really think through things, and who don’t have reason to believe they are sterile yet they want to be fathers, are more likely to prefer women who do not have minor children, for any number of reasons. The exception would be… pedophiles. Yes, there have been good, desirable men who fell in love with and married women with children, but most guys like that did so despite the fact that she had children, or they really didn’t think it through.

Men who are only interested in sex and do not want a serious relationship prefer their women available and cheap, and a woman with minor children is less likely to be free for sex (especially at her place - or, she shouldn't be fornicating with casual partners in front of the kids), is more likely to be looking for an emotional and financial provider, or at least will expect the man to pay for a babysitter or meals and entertainment for her child(ren) as well as her. Also, that she already has a child is taken as a sign that she will either not use contraception effectively, or will go ahead and have the child if she gets pregnant – which is not what hedonistic men want. But you may not want to date guys like that anyway.

But even desirable men looking for a wife would prefer not to have minor children of hers as part of the picture. It make a carefree “honeymoon period” less likely and it brings all sorts of complications, hassles, and expenses. It may mean dealing with the father(s) of the child(ren), constant reminders of your past loves or sex partners - and if you subscribe to the modern theories of evolution or otherwise compare man to animals, the man is likely to resent raising another male’s offspring.

So, to put it another way, men who date women with minor children tend to have one or more of the following characteristics:
--Are pedophiles or otherwise abusers.
--Have an unhealthy desire to “rescue” someone.
--Care less about the turmoil this will bring to the woman’s children or their own than they care about their own needs and wants, or don't understand child development.
--Are unable to attract and sustain a relationship with a woman who doesn’t have children.*
--Don’t think through important choices in their life.
--Are unable to father children of their own and want to raise children.

Now, the ideal would be the last one and the last one only, but that’s rare.

(* Think of it this way, ladies... if you could fall in love with and marry two men who were equal in just about every way, except that one earned less and would always earn less than the other, which one would you choose? You would choose the one who earned more... unless he didn't want you and you had no other option but the man who earned less. Well, it is the same way with men and whether or not a woman is a mother to minor children. All other things being equal, he's going to prefer a woman without the minor child... but if he can't attract her, he's going to have to settle for the one with the child.)

Much of what I wrote also applies to women dating a man with a minor child. He should be focusing on raising that child, not dating women who are likely to come in and out of the child’s life. Plus, if a man is paying child support... guess what happens when you marry him? The mother of that child can get the child support increased based on YOUR income. Basically, that will mean you have worked so that some other woman can buy more expensive shoes for herself.

Is the notion of not dating until your youngest child is 18 a fun one? No. I pray that I’m never in that situation. But that should be part of the decision you make when you go ahead and make a child with someone. And maybe, just maybe, if you stick to the idea that a divorce will mean no dating/romance until that youngest child is 18, you will stick it out in your marriage and make it work. Because your marriage isn't just about you. It is about your kids, too.

Dating while raising children exposes the children to unnecessary turmoil and abuse, when they need even more of your attention and devotion. “The Brady Bunch” was not typical of reality.