An Unmarried Woman

SINGLE IN DIXIE wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am an average-looking, middle-aged woman. I have many friends and a career I love.

So far, so good.

What I do not have is a partner.

Some people are happy like that. Not her.

It breaks my heart. I feel excluded from an important part of life -- romantic love.

She wasn't always excluded, as she writes...

I have had relationships with men. All of them were disasters.

All? Why? Are you bad a picking men, or bad at treating men? If it is the former, find out why you are bad at picking men, or you are likely to keep picking bad men.

I wonder how many great men passed you by because you were embroiled in disasters with bad boys?

Once you do have that figured out, don't be unrealistic in your standards. By no means should you put up with lousy treatment or anything like that. But if you're only going to consider, say, high-earning professionals around your age... the unmarried ones either don't want to be married or can attract younger, hotter women.

At the age I am now, there seems to be little or no hope of finding anyone.

I'm not going to lie. It is difficult for an "average-looking, middle-aged woman". This is why so many women "pin the tail" on the groom before they get to that point, with mixed results.

Most of my friends are married or in committed relationships, and I feel like an outsider.

That could be part of the problem – you’re hanging out with married people. They're already married.

I am involved in my church and my career, and to all outward appearances, I look happy and successful.

Is your church the kind that tends to drive away unmarried men? That could be another problem.

But, Abby, inside I am terrified that I'll be alone forever.

See, as unromantic as it sounds, I could have been happy being unmarried. I was happy being unmarried. But I understand that other people are different.

Sometimes I wonder how I will survive this life.

I suggest saving, investing, insuring, and networking. And not getting a lot of cats.

Dear Abby tries to convince her it isn't so bad:

There are worse things than being alone.

There are worse things than just about everything.

Chief among them is being stuck in a relationship (formal or otherwise) with someone who isn't right for you.

This is true.

If you are spending most of your time with couples, perhaps you should arrange to spend more time with other singles.

Yes.

Expand your circle. Travel, if you can afford it. It will make you a less depressed, more interesting person to be around.

Yes, yes.

Here's what I’ll add:

First of all, you've made it this far in life. Yes, you are lonely, but ask yourself if you are really willing to trade some of your established ways and autonomy for romantic partnership, and make sure that you're not just feeling left out because of your friends being married. If you really do want a romantic partner, read on...

Honestly assess yourself. "Average" these days means "overweight". If you are more than ten or fifteen pounds overweight, shedding the fat will give you an advantage. Also, see if there is something else to do to improve your appearance. Is it time for a new hairdo? Time to change the wardrobe and makeup use?

Some women give off a "do not touch" vibe. You are probably giving off a "desperation" vibe. Neither one is helpful. Do you know how to flirt? Do you carry yourself in a way that makes you approachable? Do you put yourself in places where eligible men are likely to be?

Career women sometimes give off a vibe that they need to always be in control. A lot of men don't want that in their personal life. Also, most women marry men who earn more than they do. Have you considered men who earn about the same or less than you? There may be very romantic men who are right for you who earn less and you should consider them because you don't need a man to support you.

In addition to considering a man who earns less, you should also consider older men or younger men. You said you're looking for romance. A middle-aged woman can certainly have romance with a younger man or an older man. If you were younger and looking to start a family, I'd recommend a man about your age or slightly older, but that's not your situation.

You didn’t menion a hobby. Maybe you should get involved in a hobby, activity, or cause where you are likely to find elible men who are compatible with you. There are such men out there who have the same ache you do.

Go do something about it!

He Wasn’t A Husband

TRICKED IN RICHMOND, VA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I was in a long-term relationship with a man who died recently.

My sympathies on the loss.

After his death I found out he had other girlfriends while he was with me.

Had he taken a vow of monogamy?

It turns out he was a con man who used women.

How so, exactly? I am baffled most of the time when the word "used" is thrown around in situations like these. For example, a man pays a woman's way for an night out on the town. They both enjoy it. They have sex. They both enjoy that. Somehow, that is "using" her. How is she being used? Isn't he being used? after all, he's paying money for a date they both enjoy.

I am stunned, sad, hurt, angry and feel like a fool.

Why? He wasn’t your husband. Point me to the codified moral system he was living under that says it is okay to fornicate, but only with one woman over a given length of time. She doesn't even say he lied to her. He probably did, I would imagine. That would make him a liar. But he was already a fornicator. He didn't become one by fornicating with more than one woman.

When people who knew us as a couple see me, they ask about him. When I say he died, they respond by offering condolences over "my loss."

Well, yeah. That's normal human behavior.

Should I thank them for their kindness and leave it at that, or should I tell them the truth about him so they won't waste time feeling bad about his demise?

Thank them. Nobody wants to hear it. When you die, do you want people to say you aren't worth mourning because you did some things they didn't like?

Dear Abby responded:

If it will make you feel better to vent, do it. However, if rehashing the unhappy details would make you feel worse, keep them to yourself.

Nothing about... if you want monogamy, at least get and make a vow of monogamy?

Prom Time Again

Every year now, I take notice of this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention whores and attention whores-in-training.

Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column.

Getting Longer

This is one of those posts I figure is best offer a warning about. I'm talking about recent news about "male enhancement". Click through if you want to read about it.

Mangum's Alleged Victim Dies

According to this article, Durham police confirmed that Reginald Daye, 46, has died.

A man who said he was Daye's nephew called 911 to report the stabbing, saying it occurred while Daye and his girlfriend were arguing about rent money.

Don't shack up and don't ever pay her bills, and this won't be an issue.

In March 2006, Mangum claimed three white players on the Duke lacrosse team trapped her inside a bathroom at 610 N. Buchanan Blvd., where she was performing as a stripper at a team party, and raped and sexually assaulted her.

Her story about the incident was so inconsistent that state officials later declared the players innocent, saying there was no credible evidence against them.

Former Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong was later disbarred for withholding DNA evidence from defense attorneys in the case.

The three lacrosse players and some of their former teammates are suing Nifong and a police investigator, claiming their rights were violated during the case.

Crazy chicks are fun in bed, but it isn't fun when they falsely accuse you of rape, drive your children into the Hudson, cut off your penis, or stab you to death. On the other side of the coin, bad boys are a lot of fun, until they beat your or kill you. Choose wisely.

It's Because I'm Fat, Isn't It

Somehow, it got to be a huge (pun intended) story that American Idol has been accused of weight bias by a teenager who was in the audience. Mind you, this is a show that has featured fat contestants.

From reading this Associated Press article from Lynn Elber, there doesn't seem to be any corroborating evidence to back the claim of 19-year-old Ashley Kauffman of Riverside, California of being told she was too fat to sit in the front row. Even one of the others in her group is quoted as saying nobody else in the group heard Idol staff telling her that.

To me, Kauffman's claims are highly doubtful. Who tells an audience member, someone the staffer wants to be cheerful and enthusiastic on camera, that she's fat?

But let's assume for the sake of discussion that someone actually said to her, "You’re too fat to sit in the front row."

This is a television show we're talking about. It isn't a public school, or a city council meeting. It is their show, they should be able to set the rules and arrange their audience the way that works best for them.

It doesn't matter how many Americans get overweight or obese. It isn't attractive to most people, and it isn't what most people want to see on TV. I write this as someone who has been fat. But reading through the article and actually watching the show, I find it hard to believe the claim.

According to a FremantleMedia statement, Kauffman and five other friends were among the first to arrive for the show and were told that there were "six great seats" available, three in one row and three in another.

Okay…

The group agreed to split up and Kauffman "did not sit alone or in the back of the house" as she alleged, FremantleMedia said. "In fact, she and her remaining party were seated just four rows behind their friends, directly in camera shot, in some of the best seats in the house."

Kauffman was in a row that included a VIP guest of judge Steven Tyler, Westphal said. They were a few rows behind the judge's table in a spot that has been featured on camera before, he said.

What does a witness say?

Hannah Solarzano, 19, said Tuesday that she was part of Kauffman's group, which traveled from suburban Riverside to Los Angeles for the show but hadn't met her before that night. Solarzano said she was seated next to Kauffman and didn't hear any insults being directed at her.

"Nobody started talking about the comment that was supposedly made to Ashley until she brought it up," Solarzano said. "I never heard those words except from her."

While she couldn't support her account, Solarzano said, it obviously stings to be labeled as overweight.

"You don't call a girl `fat,' ever. It's code," Solarzano said. "I understand how upsetting that can be. But, c'mon, honey, it's `American Idol.' You've got to move on from there. Big deal."

Exactly. Move on.

But, like most reality shows, the "Idol" audience and contestants generally have reflected American diversity, including when it comes to size.

An examination of a recording of the episode attended by Kauffman showed that it opened with a sweeping camera shot that included a cross-section of audience members, including some who could be characterized as plus-size.

So while the headline of the story is attention-grabbing, the article itself appears to debunk the claim.

If you're fat, do something about it other than being overly sensitive. Your life will be better if you get fit. I'm not talking about being ten pounds overweight (which can acually look good, depending). I'm talking about really being fat. Lose the weight, and things will be better.

He Must Like Chaos

I would have loved to have heard this guy call in to Dr. Laura. DEVOTED IN BLOOMINGTON, MINN. wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm in love with a woman named "Camille" who has three children from three different fathers.

What exactly is the appeal? If you’re looking for a wife, this isn’t the right woman. If you’re primarily looking for sex, this isn’t the right woman. If you’re looking to pay to raise the children of other men, go right ahead.

She has never been married.

Well, at least she didn’t contribute to the high divorce rate.

She also has a male "friend" whom she has her children calling "Daddy" even though he's not.

How many more red flags do you need?!?

I have loved Camille for 20 years, and our paths recently crossed again.

Ah, you’re delusional and a masochist. The picture is getting more clear now.

When I first meet her, she had only one child.

That was one too many. She should have stopped with one and raised that child, not dealt with a revolving door of desperate men who should have found some other warm place to put it.

Camille says she loves me and wants us to be married, but I'm having a hard time accepting that all of these children's fathers will be part of our life -- as well as the "friend."

Well then I guess it isn't going to happen, is it? You haven't mentioned if you've ever been married or have any kids.

Can a psychologist help me get past this?

This is beyond psychologist level. Try a psychiatrist (you know, with an "M.D." after their name). Or maybe you need a really good hooker. Better yet, consult an exorcist.

Even Dear Abby responded:

I don't know. But before you take this relationship further, you should definitely see one.

Sheesh. Guys like that are the suckers that keep knocking up these never-married mothers. Those poor kids.

An Unmarried Man – Oh, the Horror!

I recognize that the personal dynamic between a mother and son is a little different than the overall cultural attitude towards unmarried men in general. But the former got me started on the latter in what I wrote below. PROTECTIVE MOM IN OHIO wrote in to Dear Abby:

My son "Marshall" is 36. He's handsome, has a great job, is a wonderful son and would be a tremendous "catch." The problem is Marshall has no interest in marriage or even dating.

That he has no interest in marriage isn't abnormal or a problem. As far as dating – he isn't dating that you know about. He could be a Category 2. He could be a Category 4, and you would never know that he's doing women in their apartments and retiring home for a good night's sleep.

He was in a relationship six or seven years ago that ended badly.

Most "romantic" relationships do. Very few end with dignity, civility, and both people feeling great about the situation. Very few lead to a lasting, happy marriage.

Since then, he has decided he doesn't want any woman getting close to him. He hasn't been on a date since.

He must be saving time and money like crazy! Again, a man doesn't need to go on a date to "get close" to a woman. It's called "booty call". He could also have close platonic female friends, especially since he doesn't have a girlfriend or wife who would demand an end to such a "threat".

Marshall spends his time hunting, fishing and playing/watching sports with his single and divorced friends.

Sounds like a great life. Good for him! I'm a married father, and generally happy about that. But have almost no time to enjoy my lifelong hobbies and I get to spend even less time with my friends. (I tend to blog when I have to wait for something and I'm not around my family.)

It doesn't help that the divorced friends tell him he's doing the right thing by staying single, and how they wish they had done the same thing.

They are speaking from their experiences. Don’t like it? Talk to your "sisters" about how they treat men.

Every time I raise the subject, he tells me he's happy with his life and doesn't want to change.

So what's the problem? Would you rather he be married and miserable? Is he your only child? Become foster parents if you really are so intent on being grandparents.

How do I get through to him? My husband says we should let him do what he wants because it's his life.

How do you treat your husband? Are you as annoying to him as you are to your adult son? Perhaps your son doesn't like the marriage model that was provided for him. That thought would hurt, wouldn't it?

But I have trouble accepting that my son wants to stay single the rest of his life.

Then go blow money on a therapist. Maybe your son gay; gay in the homosexual sense, or gay in the classic sense in that he likes his life the way it is and sees no reason to sacrifice, compromise, and legally obligate himself to someone else. He could even be one of those rare people who are asexual in the sense of not having a sex drive.

Dear Abby responded:

You come from a generation in which marriage was the norm. However, in the decades since you were married there has been a slow (but steady) erosion in the percentage of Americans who think marriage is important.

Actually, the overwhelming number of people do get married.

So trust him, love him, and don't push him. Marriage, when it's a good one, is wonderful. But it is no longer a must, and more and more people are concluding it isn't for everyone.

True.

I can understand parents wanting their children to marry and give them grandchildren. And situations like this one prompt people who have been married for fifty years to pipe up and talk about how important and great it is. But things have changed a lot in the last fifty years, in the law, in the courts, and in the social scene. Fewer women are willing to be good wives or even have a clue how to be a good wife. Fewer women are willing to raise their own kids, or would respect a husband who stayed home to do so. Even "liberated" career women want to marry a man who earns more than they do; the majority marry men who do.

Then there are the social commentators and others who are in a kind of panic that there are actually men out there who are happy being unmarried. They assert that all of these men are 1) immature; 2) not really happy; 3) neglecting their obligations, and 4) a threat. You see, as long as there is some unmarried woman out there who claims she wants a husband, then it is supposedly some sort of sin that men haven't lined up to legally obligate themselves to her. And unmarried men are a threat because they might have sex with your daughter, your sister, your mother, or your wife! (As if married men never do such things.) They're a threat because they might give miserable married men an example of a life to dream about. And perhaps my favorite is the notion that unmarried men will go out and commit crime because they're unmarried. Everyone knows about the high crime rates around monasteries.

I, on the other hand, being a happily married man, maintain that a man can be unmarried, childless, and still be a responsible, mature man and good citizen. It is of no concern to me if a man is unmarried and childless as long as he's: not committing serious crimes; isn't behaving in a way that puts other, unconsenting people at risk; isn't getting handouts from the government. A man who takes care of his responsibilities is mature.

And let's not ignore the blindingly obvious fact that there are many immature, irresponsible guys who are or have been married and spawned children. It isn't immaturity in men that is causing the bulk of the marriage delay or marriage strike. Rather, immature men are more likely to go ahead and marry the wrong woman or before they are ready to be husbands because they aren't mature enough to avoid making those mistakes when pressured to, or because they are immature and want a maid and cook. If more men were mature, the marriage rates would actually drop more, because more men would hold out for one of the increasingly rare women who are quality wife-and-mother material.

Never-married, childless men who don't have a girlfriend are viewed with suspicion by so many people, including in church, in the workplace, and in politics. But they may actually be the person in the room who is the most responsible and mature.

Dagum It! Mangum It!

Look who is back in the news! Yes, it is Crystal Mangum, the woman I previously wrote about here. She's still auditioning for a show on E!, apparently.

Authorities say former Duke Lacrosse accuser Crystal Mangum was arrested overnight Sunday for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend in the chest.

Authorities say around 3 a.m., officers responded to a stabbing at a home in the 3000 block of Century Oaks Drive.

When police arrived, they found a 46-year-old man stabbed in the chest.

The man suffered serious injuries and was taken to Duke University Hospital for treatment.

Three in the morning. You'd think a 46-year-old man would know better than to be with this woman. Apparently not.

Investigators say the victim is Mangum's boyfriend and say they believe the stabbing occurred during an argument at the apartment the couple shared.

Shacking up!

A man who claims he's the victim's cousin says Mangum and the victim had a brief relationship.

Not brief enough to keep them from shacking up. This is how brief the relationship should've been:

Guy: "Crystal's a pretty name. What's your last name?”
Mangum: "Mangum"
Guy: [Googles "Crystal Mangum" on his phone.] [Pause] [Starts to run.] "See ya!"

"I mean he was excited," said the man. "He was like, 'man, guess who I'm dating now.' He was excited, but I told him 'man, you know her background, be careful, you know what I mean.'"

She has minor kids. She was charged with attempted murder. She lamely accused the Duke Lacrosse players of rape. She was a stripper. Anyone one of those alone should have been a big enough red flag, but this guy thought it would be exciting to shack up with her. If you need that kind of excitement, how about jumping out of an airplane without checking your parachute first?

Mangum, 32, was later arrested at a nearby apartment and charged with assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill inflicting serious injury.

Nearby apartment? Was she moving on to the next in line?

After the debacle of her allegations against the Duke players:

Mangum went into hiding, then graduated from NCCU in 2008 with a degree in police psychology.

Has NCCU invited her back to speak?

Later that year she released a memoir, "The Last Dance for Grace: The Crystal Mangum Story".

Then last year, Mangum was arrested and charged with attempted murder, arson and child abuse after a domestic dispute with her ex-boyfriend - a different man than the person involved in the incident Sunday.

In December, the jury found Mangum guilty of child abuse, but they couldn't agree on a first-degree felony arson charge, which could have landed Mangum in jail for seven years.

Can we pair her with Charlie Sheen?

Some of these comments below are good.

"benis.magee" 4/3/11 10:10 PM EDT:

I feel sorry for her kids and all of their fathers.

Those poor kids. I pray someone with decent parental skills and a stable home gets custody. Shame on the guys who have knocked this woman up.

"Simplemind2" 4/4/11 6:55 AM EDT

I guess Ms. Crystal Mangum's "Last Dance for Grace" is not that graceful after all.

"coffeecan" 4/4/11 10:24 AM EDT:

Thank God that the parents of the lacrosse players had backbones and money to fight the false charges.

I'll write it again... false rape allegations made things harder for actual rape victims.

UPDATE: The apparent victim has died.

Desperate

Ever drive the wrong way, but keep driving because you've already invested to much time into that road? "NOT DESPERATE IN LOUISIANA" wrote in to Dear Abby and displayed her desperation:

I am in my late 30s and have been dating "Rick" for six years.

Six years? What, you just like a monotonous unmarried sex life?

The problem is his daughter, "Janet." We used to get along, but now she hates me. She calls me awful names and says she wishes I would go away.

Is Janet a minor?

I recently asked Rick to marry me.

You proposed to him? If he didn't propose to you, he doesn't want to marry you. Or he's way too passive.

Now Janet says I am "desperate" and she refuses to talk to either of us.

You are desperate. Tick tock.

I don't know what to say to her.

Nothing. And don't complain about her to Rick.

I'm appalled at her attitude toward me, the language she uses and the things she's saying about me to her friends on the Internet. She won't listen to her dad. Her mother is encouraging her behavior and has been threatening me.

You really want to marry into this situation? That's desperation. If Rick would choose you over his minor daughter, then he's not worth marrying in the first place.

Dear Abby says nothing to hint that perhaps marrying Rick is not the best idea.

I know you've invested a lot of time and the music is about to stop and you want to be sitting in a chair, but there are guys out there without daughters to raise who threaten you, and without bitchy ex-wives. But even if you're single the rest of your life, it will be better than marrying into this situation.

Danger, Will Robinson!

"Wavering" wrote to Dear Margo:

I’m in my early 20s, a university student and mother to a lovely little boy.

But no husband? What’s wrong with this picture? (A lot.)

I had a boyfriend some years ago, and although things didn’t work out, we kept in touch and remained good friends. He went on a world tour recently and made the effort to visit me in another country, and told me he’d never forgotten me and still loved me. We got engaged, and our families were thrilled. But I can’t shake the feeling I’m doing the wrong thing.

Well, yes, you are. You shouldn't be involved with another guy while you are supposed to be raising your boy.

He’s a lovely, kind man, generous to a fault, highly educated, intelligent — and he thinks the world of my little boy. He wants to move halfway across the world to marry me and be a father to my son.

Hold on a second. I'm sure you’re an attractive woman and all, but the way you describe this guy, he could have any woman he wants. Why would he want to relocate "halfway across the world" to marry a single mother? (I can assure you that you do not have the one and only magic vagina.)

Let's consider the options:

1. He's hiding from the law.
2. He's got a psychotic fixation on the past (did you dump him previously)?
3. He's stupid or underestimates himself to a fault (both remain possibilities despite, or because, of his education).
4. He's really married to someone else and you’d essentially be marrying a bigamist who wants wives in two very different places in the world.
5. He's a pedophile.

Add that onto the fact that your boy doesn't need the new (or recurring) guy in his life, and you should say "NO!"

But I’m not in love with him.

Strike three. Even without the other things, it is selfish to marry a man you're not in love with because of the things you think he can do for you.

He’s extremely sentimental, for example, and effeminate in his mannerisms. I know it sounds terrible to say, but I find him so unattractive that I can’t bear the thought of intimacy with him.

I smell the putrid stench of a pedophile. Or maybe I’m imagining that at the guy is simply a homosexual (which is certainly not the same thing as a pedophile) and he wants a beard.

I feel that there has to be some sort of attraction for a marriage to work, no?

Yes. At your age, there needs to be physical attraction. There should also be attraction to personality and commonality on religion.

He tells me it doesn’t matter that I’m not ‘in love’ with him, that he wouldn’t even mind my ‘settling’ for him.

He's either on the down-low or he’s a child molester. WAKE UP, SISTER!

Dear Margo responded cluelessly:

If you marry this man, it will be a business transaction.

Yes, it is called pimping out your kid.

The fact that you find him effeminate and he has said being in love with him is not important suggest that he might be homosexual.

Okay, so maybe she isn't completely clueless.