How Does Anyone Get Like This?

From the Altoona Mirror in Altoona, Pennsylvania, comes a tale that even the writers for Law & Order: SVU would find too bizarre to use.

An Indiana County woman has been charged with having sex with a horse, state police at Indiana said Tuesday.

But that's not all.

Dovie Lee Kerner, 46, of Plumville also allegedly had sex with other animals including a dog and a pig, court documents state.

Well, I sure hope those animals are all male. Otherwise, it would be weird.

One of the officials said she received a phone call from a confidential informant who asked her if it was illegal to have sex with an animal. When told yes, the informant said he had a video on his cell phone of Kerner having sex with a horse, court documents state.

Which means he stood there watching.

He probably turned her in because she – believe it or not – had sex with other men. How dare she?

Because of Kerner's alleged sexual activities with other men and animals, the informant, who had dated the woman, and his Jack Russell terrier both contracted sexually transmitted diseases, court documents state.

Poor dog. He was probably thinking, "Hey my human's new girlfriend is cool. She's nice to me. Hey... wait a minute...she's being a little too friendly with me... what's that I smell on her?!?"

What will she tell the other inmates? "Uh, I'm in for murder. Yeah, that's it."

I wonder if she'll have to stay at least 500 feet away from kennels and stables?

The real tip off was when she gave birth to a side of bacon.

You can click here if you really want to see the paperwork.

Hey Ocifer, That Other Driver is Drunk!

From the Orange County Register comes this coverage of an accident in Fullerton, a city that neighbors Anaheim. Adam Townsend reports.

Two suspected drunken drivers crashed into each other at Gilbert Street and Rosecrans Avenue at 2:26 a.m. Sunday. Police arrested one driver, Alice Moya, 20, at the scene, said Fullerton Police Sgt. Andrew Goodrich in an e-mail.

The driver of the other vehicle, Sae Koh, 55, was seriously injured, Goodrich said. He was found to have also been driving under the influence and was cited at a hospital, Goodrich said.

Wouldn't life be a whole let better if drunken drivers only ever hurt themselves or each other?

There's No Better Place in the World

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How to Date Without Spending A Lot

GARY IN LONGWOOD, FLA, whose father must be out of the picture, wrote in to Dear Abby to ask:

How do you attract single women while on a budget?

Joke about the name of the place you are from. Actually, no, that’s probably not a good idea.

Everyone should be on a budget, regardless of income. There is also no reason to spend a lot of money dating women you don't know. First of all, if you’re a Category 3, then any woman who dates you should understand that you are reserving your money for your marriage. She should appreciate that you plan so well for the future with your wife.

But if you're a Category 4, one of the important things to discover about life is that a woman generally decides whether or not she's going to have sex with you within the first few minutes of seeing you, before you have spent a dime on her. So you don't need to spend money on her - but it is helpful to let her or lead her to believe that you do have money, so she thinks there will be some nice expensive gifts later on.

So, dress nicely. You don't have to spend a lot of money to look like you have it. Get in shape if you aren't, and keep yourself clean and groomed. After all, you have to catch her eye.

Tom Leykis (who I've been referencing a lot of lately – I guess I miss his old radio show) advised never spending more than $40 on a date. Spending less, according to him, is even better.

Sit in a bar like you are waiting for a buddy to show up, and don't stare at the women. Hot women hate to be ignored, and they already know the guys who are crowding them and buying them drinks are interested, so eventually some of them will start to approach you, and even ask if you'd buy them a drink. Tell them you don’t buy drinks for women you don’t know, but while you’re waiting you can talk. If they walk away, then you've just smoked out a woman who is just looking for guys to buy her drinks.

Or, rather than waiting, have a buddy help you out with a plausible story. He has to behave like he doesn’t know you. He can approach one the choice women and explain that he's a fan of yours… that you are the next great golfer or that you're a great businessman/investor who is rising quickly up the list of the richest people in the world… but he's too embarrassed to ask for your autograph himself, so he needs her to get it. You can return the favor for him next time.

It is fairly easy to create bogus ATM receipts with inflated numbers. Act like it is the only thing you have to write your number on.

You should try to take her back to her place rather than yours, but there are things you can do in case you do end up at your place. Leave bogus bank statements with inflated numbers where the little snoop will find them when you're out of the room. You can also have a friend record a fake answering machine message you can pretend to be listening to for the first time, in which your friend plays the part of your business lawyer or agent or manager and tells you that the deal has been completed, or maybe he is the head of you accounting team and he reports that he has confirmed the transfer of the several hundreds of thousands of dollars into your account. Hey, then it is time to celebrate, right?

You can explain away your meager car and place as temporary because you're in from out of town, or you had a fire, or any other number of excuses.

In setting up a date, ask her, "What time are you having dinner?" She'll tell you. Then tell her you’ll meet her for drinks at a time that is about 90 minutes later than that. Or, if possible, offer to bring over some wine and a DVD (Don’t bring over a movie with rape or sexual assault or anything that is going to turn her off.) If you do get snookered in to taking her to dinner, eat before you meet up with her, then order the salad. Most women would never order something heavier than what their date is ordering.

Conversely, if she calls you and asking what you're doing on the weekend, answer "Having sex."

It is possible for poor guys to get women. Even condemned murderers get women, but that’s because they have some level of fame. Some women are having sex as casual as can be these days, but they want some excuse and some plausible deniability. Letting them think you are rich and letting them drink provides both.

Oh, by the way, Dear Abby responded:

Matinees cost less for admission than late shows, and if there are any museums that are not too far away, check out free museum days.

True. But do not take her to the movies or museum if you’re a Category 4.

A picnic in the park or a day at the beach doesn't cost a lot -- and neither do outdoor activities such as biking or hiking.

True. The beach, biking, and hiking are also a good excuse to offer to soap her up in the shower. However, you want to avoid seeing her in the daylight if you are a Category 4.

You really don't have to have a lot of money to attract a nice woman. And anyone who makes you feel otherwise is someone you should run from.

No, you don’t need to have a lot of money to attract a nice woman. But attracting a hot woman usually involves appearing to have a lot of money (or fame, or power), or the potential to get some. Let's cut the crap. Even a "nice" woman wants some level of financial security. If she's looking to get married and raise kids, that takes at least enough money to pay the bills on a suitable home and everything else that goes along with raising a family. Other women want a guy with money so that they can buy stuff they don't need or live a life of leisure while paid help takes care of everything, including any kids.

Some people like to say that it doesn't matter that the guy isn't well off financially, but let's get real. How many highly attractive women spend a lot of time with broke guys?

Fortunately for those of us in the USA, it is still possible for a guy to work his way up the economic ladder.

And while I do not condone lying, I also don't condone women fornicating because they think they are getting their hands on a rich guy.

Advice From a Wife

Inspired by my collection of simple advice on how to keep husbands happy and, therefore, attentive, "Snowflake" posted this entry over on her Snowflake Submerged blog. I am always interested in advice from the feminine perspective. Some of advice found in magazines and websites is so laughable. Advice from real women who aren’t relying on advertisers is often better.

Some guys may take issue with the title... "How to Keep Your Domestic Goddess Happy" because of the term, "goddess". But I used "dragon-slaying". Both are just expressions. I don't have a problem with a woman thinking of herself as a princess as long as she thinks of her husband as a prince. A marriage is in trouble whenever either spouse thinks it is all about them. A marriage will be almost sickeningly beautiful when the spouses focus on meeting the needs of each other.

I certainly can't speak for all women, but I will try to offer some insight into the female heart and mind.

Here's a big difference between men and women, and why Dr. Laura wrote a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and not a parallel for taking care of wives. Normal husbands, if they are marriage-and-family-minded guys, will be kept happy with a few specifics. To put it crudely, it mostly comes down to "feed me and f--- me". Really – as silly as it may sound, a guy will forget about almost any gripe he has if his wife keeps his testicles empty and his belly full. With women the concepts are more generalized and the specifics are different with each woman. (Which, by the way, is why it isn't of all that much benefit to a husband to have prior sexual experience and it may actually be a hindrance.)

Be her biggest advocate.

Absolutely. A husband who undermines his wife or doesn’t support her could be insecure, trying to keep her from improving herself, fearing that she will leave him.

Be Romantic.

As she explains, this means different things to different women. One of a husband's responsibilities is to find out what it means to his wife, and then do that.

Words of Affirmation.

Some guys think their actions are enough. But most women very much appreciate hearing good words from their man. Most women look for hints about whether or not someone else likes or dislikes something. So make it obvious (to prevent any misunderstanding) by thanking her, telling her how you still find her eyes beautiful even when she’s feeling like a mess, telling her how you love the way she kisses when there isn’t time for more, telling her she did well on a project even if that hobby of hers isn't your thing – you get the idea.

Reciprocity.

One of the examples Snowflake uses is oral sex. I am definitely in favor of reciprocity in this area and lovemaking in general. Not in a "keeping score" way, but I think husbands who want to be good lovers should enjoy bringing pleasure to their wives. Don't like giving her oral sex? Learn to like it, especially if she wants it. If my wife would let me and circumstances permitted, I'd spend entire days on foreplay and cunnilingus. Okay… I think I need a cold shower.

Women Percolate.

Foreplay, guys. Sounds simple, but I mean it. Men are often like microwaves, they turn on very easily. Women however are slower at getting aroused and they like to savor the experience.

Very important thing to keep in mind.

Know Her Preferences.

Guys, study your wife at least as well as you study your favorite interest/hobby. So you know all of the pitching stats for the entire history of the Boston Red Sox. Okay, fine. But do you know your wife's favorite romantic songs? Favorite sweets? How she likes to be massaged? Her favorite author?

Quality Time.

If you married her, you should enjoy spending time with her even when your penis isn't being touched. You should enjoy listening to what she has to say.

There are more, but I really want you to click through to read it all on her blog.

Unless I missed it, I don’t think she brought up fidelity – nor did I in my list. Probably because it should be a given. Some people put energy into pursuing or hiding affairs, and in some of those cases, if they had put the same effort into their marriages, affairs wouldn't be happening in the first place. A wife generally wants her husband to have his sexual needs fulfilled in her, and want a sense of security, which is undermined in affairs. From a purely financial standpoint, an affair puts your money, which is also your wife's, at risk for child support. Conversely, if she engages in an affair, she runs the risk of getting pregnant. Either way, it is time, energy, and often money spent on something that is in conflict with the marriage.

Guys, if you are married, you should want to make the best of it. You have invested yourself in your wife and growing your investment pays off. If you're looking to get married, keep these things in mind – they'll work if you pick the right woman. It is very important to pick the right woman. Cynics will tell you there is no such thing, but I disagree. If you find the right woman and she agrees to marry you, make her glad she did.

A Question For the Ages

Barbara, commenting on this blog, wrote...

I'd like your thoughts on how a nice middle aged woman, who is attractive, intelligent, loving, compassionate, interesting and very sensual and affectionate can meet a nice guy? I'm dead serious. I don't go to church anymore, so that's out. Hanging out at Home Depot does not work. Online dating has become sleazier than a dive bar at 2 am.

I have pretty much accepted my singleness and am not bitter towards men - I LOVE MEN. I've just given up on finding one.

Barbara,

Most of this may be redundant to you, but I don’t know you so I can't just assume you've already considered all of this.

I've tried to draw my advice from what I've noticed about how real-life middle-aged women have found a nice guy. I think of my dad's wife. She found him in book store after an author who was speaking there drafted him into a skit. He had been married to my mother for over a quarter of a century, and then had been divorced for a few years when that happened. Being open to chance encounters like that one can help, as long as there isn't a sense of desperation.
My first "real" girlfriend was a middle-aged woman. But unless you're looking for a 19-year-old boy toy, then I don’t suggest you do what she did.

Everything you wrote sounds good. But you didn’t specify what you'd want out of that "nice guy" – are you looking for a husband? A "life partner"? A boyfriend? Or boyfriends?

Also consider that you may have been telling others and even yourself that you want something, when you might be doing things that say otherwise. I write this because I noticed I had been doing that very thing. I had said and thought that I wanted to get married and have kids, but one day it struck me (the closest thing to an epiphany I've ever had) that I kept attaching myself to women I would not marry. Eventually, I turned things around and I did get married and have kids. So consider that perhaps you would actually prefer the life you have made for yourself rather than dealing with someone else's problems and flaws and sharing space and decision making along with all of the good things a guy may bring.

Also, consider that there may be something you are doing to give off the wrong signals to the right guys – because if you've got all of those nice qualities, then you should be able to attract some guys, and at least a few of them should seemingly be close enough to what you want to warrant some dates to investigate.

If you've sincerely considered all of that and really do want a boyfriend or something more serious, then have you considered exactly what it is you need in such a partner? Knowing what you're looking for will make it easier to spot it when you find it. It also prevents you from wasting time and emotion on a person is isn’t right for you. I did this in finding my wife, and she did it in finding her husband. Some people don’t consider it romantic, but it is very helpful. I would "profile" a kind of person with whom you’d be most happy – break it into "musts", "would be nice" and "dealbreakers". For example, I had to have a wife who had the same general worldview as me, she had to want kids, and had to agree that strangers would not be raising our kids; she had to be no more than a year or two older or eight years younger. It would have been nice if she had natural DD breasts, but that wasn't important. I would not date women with minor children – that was a dealbreaker.

Who are the available guys that meet your criteria? If you’re looking for a guy around your age, you're more likely to find a guy who is divorced rather than widowed or never married. Being divorced may mean he has the baggage of a difficult ex-wife, alimony payments, and children. However, it is possible that there are divorced guys out there who don't have that baggage (and maybe you don't mind a guy having adult children), and are divorced because they either married young & wrong, or they didn't treat their wives right – but have since learned better. At least you know the guy is willing to get married. Not so with a guy who has never been married by middle age. A widower, especially one who stuck with a sick wife, could be a very special find.

Perhaps an older man would be acceptable to you, as long as he is healthy and active? If you're looking for financial security through marriage, then you're more likely to find it in an older man, as rich guys your age are snagging the younger girls. A significantly younger man may work, if you are secure enough and you find a guy who isn't looking for a mother to baby him.

Where are they likely to be? You're not going to lure these men to you if you're not hanging out where they are. And that hanging out can be online.

You dismissed online dating, but not all sites are alike. Some range from hooking up to serious marriage-minded matchmaking. I would at least check out some information posted at this unofficial eHarmony.com blog, or perhaps picking up a book I read by the guy who started the business based on his years of counseling experience – Finding the Love of Your Life. The blog lists the "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" that customers can use in finding a partner. They (used to?) tell you to pick ten of each.

You also dismissed church because you don't go anymore. I'm Christian and I generally endorse regular attendance in a healthy, well-balanced Bible-teaching church, but aside from that, there has to be a church or some equivalent out there whose doctrine and practices are acceptable to you. But without that, I would recommend joining some sort of civic organization or charitable effort or even a club like a Toastmasters club or one centered around some interest or hobby of yours to find like-minded guys. I see you work with a nonprofit already, but it is best to keep this issue separate from work.

Even avoiding online dating, you might find the right guy for you in a discussion website where people talk about something of interest to you. For example, one discussion board I haunt discusses a some rather trivial stuff, but there are sections of that board set aside for people to get to know each other as people aside from their common entertainment interest. You can use a sneaky "grid" approach in a place like that. For example, let's say the discussion board I was frequenting was for fans of classic (1960s and before) films. If I was single, I could post something in the appropriate area asking people if they had any special plans for Easter. I would be looking for someone who wrote a response that indicated to me that they shared my faith. Then, several days later, I would post something about attitudes towards parenting, or perhaps asking people what they think of this or that current event. I would note any woman whose contributions to each discussion indicated to me that we not only shared a love of classic movies, but more important things. Most of these services allow people to display their pictures, too. Bingo. You also might be ableto find someone by Googling for blogs discussing topics important to you.

I wish I could be more help. Maybe someone else can comment with some help.

Female Victims Matter More

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month – so all of you who have been unaware of sexual assault – become aware, okay? At least for the rest of the month. Ashley Herzog wrote a column about the culmination of the month, "Take Back the Night", and rightly calls out someone for saying that men don't have to "take back the night" because "they already have it".

Crime statistics show that men certainly don't "own the night." In reality, they are three times more likely to be victims of assault by a stranger, and far more likely to be robbed, shot, or mugged. Men are carjacked twice as often. Men are 79% of all murder victims, and about three times as likely as women to be killed by a stranger. And while no one wants to blame the victim, we don’t hesitate to judge male crime victim’s choices. We don't tell them, "Yes, go to the ATM on that isolated corner by yourself at three in the morning. If you get held up at gunpoint, it's a societal problem!"

In the interest of fairness, I don't think most Take Back the Night participants would say it is being taken back from men in general - rather, criminals. Also in the interest of fairness... who is perpetrating the vast majority of these crimes?

That's because we know that robberies, muggings, and random assaults are crimes of opportunity - and certain behaviors make you an easy target.

But when it comes to stranger rape, feminists demand that we abandon all common sense. They went into hysterics when Bill O'Reilly aired a segment about Jennifer Moore, a young woman who was raped and murdered by a stranger. Apparently, O’Reilly was a “rape apologist” for noting that Moore was drunk and wandering the streets of New York by herself at 2 AM. The feminist line is that women are raped simply because they’re “in the presence of a rapist.” That’s true, but it begs the question: what kind of choices make you more likely to be in the presence of a rapist?

Right. As I mentioned in my previous entry, there are behaviors that make someone more likely to be raped, but rape is never okay.

What do feminists hope to accomplish by demanding that women “take back the night”? For the rate of violent crimes against women to go up? For the murder rate to be 50/50? “Taking back the night” is one of those feminist ideas that sounds good on paper, but makes no sense when you start looking at the details.

Perhaps they want crimes against everyone to go down? But Herzog's point is that feminists should not discourage people from being cautious.

Interestingly, women tell researchers they worry more about violent crime. Since we’re victimized less often, we’re probably better than men at assessing risk. What feminists call “living in fear,” I call being appropriately cautious.

Maybe, instead of demanding that women be able to walk alone at night, feminists should promote common sense—and encourage men to use it, too.

Women are mistaken if they think that men don't also have something to fear while walking alone at night. The focus on protecting women who are out at night, when it ignores the fact that men are far more likely to be victims, is sexism in one of its worse forms. The focus should be on general crime prevention.

Kyle Nachreiner - What a Lack of Remorse Looks Like

There was a high-profile criminal case in Orange County, California several years back as three young guys who where politically connected were caught on tape sexually assaulting a girl. Now, one of the convicted criminals was foolish enough to be interviewed, photographed, and videotaped for a story in the Orange County Register, so that he could complain that being registered and labeled as “sex offender” is unfair. Break out the air violins for his situation.

"I went from being in the paper for playing varsity baseball as a freshman to being in the paper for a rape case,'' he says.

Yeah, you blew it. You had a really great launching pad to the rest of your life, and you threw it away.

On July 5, 2002, when he was 17, Nachreiner and two other male teenagers, Gregory Haidl and Keith Spann, sexually assaulted a seemingly unconscious teenage girl in the Corona del Mar home of Haidl's father, then-Assistant Sheriff Don Haidl.

I should note that Haidl was pretty much a political appointee by a Sheriff who has been subsequently criminally convicted himself.

The trio videotaped the episode, a 21-minute movie that shows the friends laughing as they shove a pool cue, a lit cigarette, a juice can and Snapple bottle inside the girl as she lay intoxicated on a pool table.

Geniuses.

In 2006, they were each sentenced to six years in prison.

All three are adults now and out of prison, having served less time because none of the sex offenses were found to be forcible. Last month, they lost their appeal to the California Fourth District Court of Appeal to overturn their convictions and the requirement that they register as lifelong sex offenders.

So they got out early, but he is still pushing his luck.

Nachreiner, though, may appeal his case to the state Supreme Court. He says it is unfair for him to endure the punishment of being tagged as a sex offender until he dies.

"I served my time. I went to prison. Now, I'm stuck with that label."

Yeah, that's how the sex offender registry works.

"Psychologically, it's devastating. It's the worst form of degradation there is."

What an incredibly stupid and callous thing to say, given what someone else has suffered by his actions.

He says he was very drunk, and that alcohol impaired his judgment.

And did somebody force those drinks down your 17-year-old throat?

"I'm responsible for behaving how I did. For hanging out with people I didn't trust ... For being ignorant. She's responsible for going there, for bragging that she's a porn star."

She's responsible for some bad judgment. That does not mean she deserved to be gang-raped.

"I don't believe for one second she was unconscious,'' he says.

Even if she wasn't, and it is hard to believe she wasn't, given what was being stuck in her, you still did a horrible thing. The defense lawyers attempted to slime the victim, too, and he does too...

When asked if he knew what he was doing at the time was wrong, he pauses before answering.

"Had it been any other girl, maybe."

BZZZZZ. Wrong. It was wrong to do to ANYONE. For example, you can bet that if prison guards did it to HIM after he was convicted, they would be prosecuted themselves, and this guy would be suing the county/state.

The three were tried as adults and were almost victorious at their first trial. That trial ended in a deadlocked jury.

Faced with a mistrial, Orange County prosecutors decided to deal. They offered Nachreiner, Haidl and Spann a plea bargain that would have landed each of them in prison for 18 months. But the defendants refused, rolling their dice and going to trial again.

Bad move.

In March 2005, the second jury convicted the defendants of multiple counts of sexual penetration with a foreign object by intoxication. Nachreiner was acquitted of rape and two counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object.

I'm glad they were convicted.

Nachreiner was the one who inserted the pool cue into a limp Jane Doe, both in her vagina and anus. At other times, Nachreiner is dancing, flashing gang signs and mugging for the camera.

Real quality behavior.

Nachreiner was 23 when he got out of Chuckawalla Prison on June 18, 2008. He moved to Big Bear, and worked as a ski lift attendant.

That November, he was arrested for drunken driving. The DUI charges eventually were dismissed, and he pleaded guilty to reckless driving. But he was sent back to prison for five months because of the parole violation. He got out of Chino Prison in April 2009, and moved in with his aunt.

Keep it going.

As with his other jobs, he hasn't told this employer about his criminal record.

Hmmmm, do you think they'll find out? Is that even legal – for him to withhold that information?

Hundreds of comments have been left after the story on the paper's website, most tearing Nachreiner a new one.

My advice to this guy:

1. Shut up. Stop talking until you fully realize why what you did was wrong.
2. Drop the appeals.
3. Behave yourself. You don't want to get arrested again or go back to jail. You don't want to be on parole or probation.
4. Get on your knees and beg the good Lord for forgiveness. Find a good church.
5. Use legal intermediaries to beg your victim for forgiveness.
6. Explain to the media how you were wrong and tell them how you've changed.
7. Work, pay your taxes, and get involved in some form of charity.

Maybe your life can be redeemed.

[UPDATE November 2017: This post is from April of 2010. Comments on this person continue to trickle in, with people claiming to know him now. I don't think it is fair to post negative comments about how he is now, because he's not in the news anymore. If he gets in trouble with the law again, then of course I'll publish more comments on that. If you want to keep ME updated and share your experiences with ME, you can still write those in the comment window. I'm not not likely to publish them. It is my sincere hope that everyone involved in this matter is, or becomes, a positively contributing member of society.]

Keeping Your Dragon-Slaying Husband Happy

...which will be more likely to keep him romantic, attentive, affectionate, and around!

Ladies, if you've married (or plan to marry) a good, marriage-and-family-minded man, keeping him happy will be relatively simple.

I. Be His Girlfriend.

A) Do It. Don’t turn him down when it comes to sex. Respond to his play and flirting. Surrender to his advances. If you absolutely can't have sex at that moment, playfully defer to later, promising to make the wait worth it. If you aren't in the mood, behave like you are and tell him what you need him to do so that you'll get into it. He'll be happy to do it. If there is some act or position that he attempts or requests that you are unable to accommodate for whatever reason, offer an alternative. Unless he has made it clear it is a turn-off for him, initiate on occasion – especially as a "distraction" if his eye is wandering or is glued to some babe on the screen. Flirt. Enthusiasm is important – don't let it repeatedly become mercy or maintenance sex; manual sex, oral sex, breast sex, etc. is still wanted even if intercourse isn't an option; make lovemaking a priority. Variety can be important - quickies vs. epic sessions; play vs. romance; role playing; morning, noon, or night; surprise vs. mutually planned & teased; soft vs. rough; lights on vs. lights off; different places, like the shower, the car, the backyard, etc.

B) Eye Candy. If he wasn’t physically attracted to you, he wouldn’t have married you. Don't hide yourself from him under ratty clothing or dozens of extra pounds. He wants to see your body. Yes, we all get older, but except in rare exceptions, you can keep your weight under control, and unless you're dealing with disease or radiation, you can keep your hair as long as he likes it and the color as he likes it. Don't become a slob or butch up. Staying in shape benefits you regardless of him.


II. Respect & Admiration. Don't be his mother. Don't badmouth him to others. Don't treat him like one of your girlfriends. Play to his strengths and accomplishments: "I need a big, strong man to open this jar for me." "I need a big, strong man to carry this for me." "Thank you for working so hard that you got that promotion."

III. Cave & Hunt. He's going to need time to himself and his hobbies (in the cave) and time with the guys (hunting). It isn’t anything you are doing wrong. Take advantage of it by enjoying your time alone or spending time with the gals.

IV. Talking. When you go to him with a problem or a gripe or complaint, let him know if you need him to offer a solution (our natural reaction), or just a listening ear. But don't use him as a listening ear for the same problems over and over again that you can't or won’t do anything about. That's what your girlfriends are for. Don’t expect him to talk a lot about his feelings – talking about feelings is also what you're girlfriends are for. Same with talking endlessly about nothing. But if you think he is having bad feelings, sit down on the couch or bed, have him put his head on your lap, and massage his head and/or stick your boobs in his face and hold him there. He'll feel so much better. Do talk to him to tell him what you want, whether it is for him to take out the trash or make your toes curl with a well-placed lick.


These next two are mainly for wives whose husbands are the sole income earner, or virtually so.

V. Feed Him. These days, you can find recipes online, but we usually don't need anything fancy. Keep your place stocked with stuff he likes and can grab/make himself for lunch or a snack if you are likely to be gone or have your arms full of kids. If you sometimes "wear" a dessert or a snack and invite him to eat it off of you (think things like grapes, berries, chocolate syrup), he will be the happiest guy in the state. See I.A.

VI. Homemaking. This is actually low on the priority list. But if he has all of the responsibility of bringing in income, then you can take care of most of the cleaning and laundry. Yes, you can hire someone and no, we don't expect the place to be spotless when there are kids. If the choice is between having enough energy for sex and having a clean place, we opt for the sex.


Those things are going to keep any reasonable, good husband happy. For a high quality, lasting marriage, I would add in:

Praying Together. You can do this at any time, including when you are naked and entangled. It’s okay – God knows what you look like, and He invented sex. If you aren't one to pray because you don't believe in prayer and/or God, then meditate together.

Laughing Together. Even if your senses of humor are different, there should be some stuff that you can laugh about or laugh over together.


Most of this simple list is very much like concepts advanced by such diverse sources such as Dr. Laura, Tom Leykis, and Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs. Why do such diverse sources agree that keeping a man happy is simple and how to do it? Because it is true.

Prom Time Again

It’s that time of the year again. Prom. I've written about it before. ENCOURAGING MOM wrote in to Dear Abby:

My son "Matt" is a junior in high school. He says he's not attending the junior/senior prom this year because he doesn't have anyone special to go with.

Maybe he just doesn't want to go. In American culture of the Anglo subset, dancing is not really something straight guys are into. On the other hand, if Matt isn't straight, maybe he just doesn't want to deal with either going with a girl or trying to take another boy.

I tried to explain that his date doesn't have to be a "girlfriend," that she can just be a friend.

Look, lady, most boys these days only going to the prom hoping it will lead to some action. Why does he want to be responsible (including financially) for a girl he isn't even going to kiss?

I told him he could also go with a bunch of guys who don't have dates.

Or, those guys could go do something they really want to do.

I know later on in life Matt will regret not having gone to the prom, and I'm sad about his decision.

Not necessarily. It's not the same for guys. Hey, as great of a filmmaker as he was, life isn't a John Hughes film. High school isn't the end-all be-all of life for most people, and the prom isn't all it is cracked up to be, especially by magazines that are trying to sell stuff to teen girls.

Should I make him go even though he doesn't want to, hoping he has a good time when he gets there? Or should I drop the issue and respect his wishes even if he's making a mistake?

Drop it.

Matt is 17 and not particularly social, and I think that's why he doesn't want to go.

Events like the prom can be depressing for someone who is "not particularly social". Most likely, he'll sit around with some classmates and listen to their conversations while he sees girls for whom he's had crushes dancing with their dates. Or, if he's really "lucky", he'll get maimed by a drunk classmate or get himself into a situation where he's accused of sexual assault.

Dear Abby responded:

There is a fine line that separates an encouraging mom from a mom who is overbearing. Your son is only a junior, and will have a chance next year to change his mind and attend the prom as a senior.

Good point.

Frankly, I have never had a man write me or tell me that looking back on his high school years he regretted missing a dance.

And you know she'll print them if they come in, now. I actually am glad I went to my prom my junior year, because I went with an older girl who was a friend of the family. Nothing happened (nothing much happened in my love life until a few years later), but since she got sick and passed away many years later, in her early 30s, it was nice to have had that time with her. I wouldn't feel the same way if she was still alive. My senior year – eh. I could have done without that. Then again, I was no drinker and my high school days were during the AIDS scare and before the modern hookup culture got underway.

Yet again, I saw no mention of a father in the letter. Is there a pattern here?

Check out my previous entries about the prom.

Betty White

Have you noticed that actress Betty White is still going strong? T.L. Stanley has an article in the Los Angeles Times about Betty White and her ongoing popularity. Despite being a young straight dude, I loved The Golden Girls when it originally aired and I still enjoy catching syndicated episodes. In retrospect, the show was often quite gay, the layout of the house was ridiculous and inconsistent, and while some topics had permanence in the series, other aspects disappeared. Like Dorothy's Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

But the writing was mostly great and the timing and facial expressions of the actresses was excellent. Betty White was just as much a reason for that show's success as anyone else. I happened to have met her in person and I know people who have worked with her.

I think her ongoing success at an age when most surviving actresses are completely out of the public eye is due to many factors.

1. She's a talented actress; she's hilarious.
2. Rather than fighting age, she has embraced it in her characters.
3. She's professional in both attitude and ability.
4. She's smart, as evidenced by her performances on various editions of the Password game shows. Notice that there are actors that never appear on game shows or talk shows. That's because they are either bores without a script or aren't too bright and it comes across loud and clear without a carefully controlled script.
5. Her cause of caring for animals is no phony public relations add-on to her life or excuse to do commercials. She really does care about animals.
6. She's a nice woman.

So when you hear complaints that Hollywood dumps women past a certain age – keep Betty White in mind.

I hope she has many more years of full living.

Free Willy

What to do about a kid brother who struts his prepubescent twig and berries around the house? OLDER SISTER IN MCALLEN, TEXAS wrote in to Dear Abby:

My brother is 9 and still walks around naked.

I don't get this. I was strongly private and modest from an early age, though I did have to wear the tiny racing swim briefs, since I was a competitive swimmer by that age. But I didn't even want to chage in front of other boys my age. I got over my modesty when I got laid. Of course, I was 19 by then, but I still wouldn't walk around naken in front of my siblings.

I have asked "Josh" repeatedly to put on some clothes, but he blows me off and flaunts himself around the house.

My mother is no help. When I ask her to talk to him, she laughs and says, "Boys will be boys." Abby, I'm 13 and it is starting to freak me out..

Call his bluff, so to speak. You walk around naked, and see how he reacts. No, don't do't that. Uhm, I got nothing. If your parents aren't going to do anything about it, what can you do? No father is mentioned. That might have something to do with it. Dad would put an end to this, either with a stern talking-to, or by showing the kid up.

Dear Abby responded:

Your brother is acting like an immature child who's enjoying teasing his sister.

That's going to happen regardless.

On the other hand, [your mother is] wrong to laugh off your discomfort. One reason children have parents is so someone can teach them respect for the feelings of others... If he wants to be naked in his bedroom, fine and dandy. But when he's in the rooms shared by everyone, he should cover up. And if he doesn't, there should be consequences.

Hmmm. I agree, but what about his feelings? What if he feels like a naturist? I wonder if the response would be the same about crossdressing? Probably not. Dear Abby would no doubt refer the girl to an organization that would help her "understand" crossdressing, especially in boys. She would tell the sister to respect her brother’s feelings. Why not the same response for naturism? Because naturists have not been as militant?

Anyone else have a situation like this?

Prospective Employers and Improper Questions

"Sick of It" wrote to Dear Margo with complaints about questions she is being asked in job interviews.

Within the first five minutes of these interviews, I am being asked about my marital status, whether I live with someone and have kids, and, the worst: "How are you paying your bills right now?" I almost walked out of the interview on that one.

Dear Margo replied:

I would say the appropriateness of such questions depends on the industry and the job description. For example, if traveling were part of the job, a prospective employer would legitimately need to gauge the family responsibilities you have. The "living with someone" question is definitely out of bounds. I can’t tell whether you think, by the nature of these questions, that these men are hitting on you.

From what I understand, interviewers are supposed to be extremely confined in what questions they ask and how, because they fear lawsuits or otherwise running afoul of the law in discrimination and sexual harassment. I've also heard from interviewers some amazing stories about what job applicants said in interviews. But I digress.

I'm in favor of property rights and freedom of association. As such, I believe employers should be free to ask any question, and the applicant should be free to not answer. Employment is a mutual decision. If someone doesn't want to hire me because I'm a married father and they think I'm less likely to be willing to travel or work long and odd hours, so be it. If they won't hire me because I won't tell them my favorite sexual position, or because I'm a Christian, then so be it. It is their loss.

Now, anyone who works for me would be limited in what questions they ask, out of respect and courtesy, but in a perfect world that would be by my choice.

As far as the letter writer – she should ask herself if she really wants to work at places where they ask those kinds of questions.

You Want to Do WHAT?

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