Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Exiting a Relationship With a Single Mother or a Childless Shack Up
So you've either been woken out of your stupor or the slow-building discontent has finally become too intense, and you're ready to get out of your relationship with a single mother or a childless shack up. Being with a single mother* or living with a woman brings all sorts of complications and risks. So depending on how deep you're in, there are going to be different considerations.
Men who are NOT in such relationships should read this, too, to be informed about just how much trouble being in, and getting out of, such relationships can be, so they'll be motivated to avoid them.
How deep are you in?
If you married this woman (which would mean she's not a single mother anymore) and made a baby or babies with her, that's the worst of all scenarios, especially if you have adopted her children. Unless she is abusing you or the kids, the the best thing for the children is usually to stay put and be polite and as pleasant as possible until the youngest child is 18. The problem with that, is, in some places, like the state I live in, being married for ten years or "close enough" means you'll be paying lifetime alimony to her. The bulk of this entry is addressed to guys who haven't married the woman and haven't legally adopted her children.
You need an exit plan for your own self-preservation. If she or anyone else accuses you of not being a "real man" or that you're somehow lesser because you don't want to put up with mistreatment or someone else's responsibilities any more, just let it roll off your back. Who cares what they say? This is what they're saying, when you get right down to it. "You should spend your time, money, and energy doing things for me/her so I/she can spend more of my/her own time, money, and energy on my/herself." She might cite things she does for you, and even if she does do those things, it doesn't matter. You're not obligated to stay with her, and you can either get by without those things or get them for a lot less money, time, and effort, or with someone who is more compatible with you and brings fewer negatives to the situation. You may have some emotional discomfort over the breakup, but that would fall entirely in the realm of normal, because the relationship became familiar to you and part of your routine. The discomfort will go away and it is better in the long run to be out of that relationship.
You may want to keep some form of a journal in some format to give you some organization, clarity, and to remind yourself to NEVER TO DO THIS AGAIN!!! Don't let women sleep in your place (don't bring them back there to begin with), don't let them leave items or receive mail/calls there. You can see women at THEIR place. If they leave items in your place, throw them away and act like you don't know what she's talking about if she asks about them. Leaving things at your place is how they start to move in. Don't allow it!
There are a lot of guys who are with single mothers or shacking up childless and want to get out. Tom Leykis tried doing a Leykis 201 hour on his show, which was for men who were married or in relationships, but it must not have generated enough interest because he hasn't done it in a long time. His more inclusive "Reports From the Front" seems to be more popular. I think I have a really great Report From the Front, but I'm digressing. My most popular blog entry is about why men should avoid single mothers, and this entry you're reading right now was inspired by a comment left there by some poor fellow who had gotten mixed up with one.
Do It!!! This is How You Hit the Eject Button
First and foremost: Even if you didn't marry her, if you live together* and/or if you've had a lot of involvement* with her children and/or you share ownership* of anything substantial (a home, a vehicle, financial accounts, a pet, etc.) then you should definitely consult a family law attorney. A family law attorney will be essential for many of the things described in the rest of this entry - discuss all of the relevant topics below with your lawyer! Don't cheap out on this! Your experienced attorney can help you figure how to keep some of these things quiet and under her radar as long as possible to give the best chance of minimizing fallout. Laws vary from state to state and depending on certain things you've done or haven't done. If you DID marry her, do NOT try to divorce her without having your own family law attorney.
Different states have different laws when it comes to shacking up. In some states, there is something called "common law marriage", which means that if you've been shacking up long enough, and/or referred to her as your wife/spouse, she gets certain privileges. And some states have "palimony", which means you pay alimony as though you were married even though you never got married. This is a concept that basically craps all over marriage by pretending that people who didn't marry are married, but there you go. We have to deal with things they way they are, not the way they should be. Stop (or never start) referring to her as your spouse/wife/partner, no matter how jokingly or sarcastically. And stop giving her your money or spending your money on her or her kids. Those are behaviors that put you at risk.
If you never married her, don't live together, don't have a child with her, don't work with her or for her family, and have had little to no interaction with her children, then you're in the least-worst position, meaning getting out of the situation is easier than it will be if you have more involvement. All you need to do is...
Ghost Her. That means you stop seeing her, stop letting her come see you, block her calls, texts, e-mails, social media accounts, etc., as if you stopped existing or she stopped existing. Do not accept or open or respond to any mail from her. If you have any of her possessions, return them to her, either by shipping them or leaving them at a third-party location. DO NOT HAVE ANY FORM OF SEX WITH HER. You shouldn't even be seeing her at all.
If you work for her family or you work with her*, or there's a possibility she may come to your office to see you or cause trouble, you need to address that. If you work for her family, it is best to find a new job. Otherwise, you might want to talk with human resources and/or security where you work to warn them. Your employer's human resources staff is there primarily to reduce the risk of your employer being sued, so they should take your request to "avoid a hostile work environment" seriously.
If you've had a lot of involvement with her children*, that is, perhaps, the trickiest of all matters. They may have bonded with you and looked to you as a father figure, especially if their father is absent, in which case this could be painful for you, but even worse, it will be painful for them. This is one big reason why you should not date single mother to begin with, and why she should not be introducing her lovers to her children (but that part is on her.) Do NOT refer to her kids as "my" or "our" kids. Stop if you already have. Do NOT buy anything (more) for her kids - not even presents, unless they are independent adults, because courts have used such actions to assign child support to men. There is always the chance that she/at least one of her children will seek revenge on you by making false allegations against you. That possibility alone is reason enough to get a good lawyer. Some family law attorneys also practice criminal defense law, but if not, they'll have a good referral to a criminal defense lawyer (or vice versa). You can suggest her kids get therapy to deal with the break up, and it is up to you if you choose to participate in that (DO NOT PAY FOR IT OR APPLY YOUR INSURANCE! It is HER responsibility.) However, if you do participate, keep your involvement strictly to meeting inside the therapist's office, and do NOT let the therapist try to guilt you or get you to do anything with her or the kids outside of that office. Do not accept any pressure to get back together. If there is anything like any of that, leave and don't return.
If YOU have kids who've been attached to her, well, shame on you. They might need some therapy. Do NOT introduce your minor children to your new lovers.
If You Have Shared Accounts or Investments... Open separate accounts and get removed from the shared ones. For some things, you might want to try to recuperate what you can of your contributions. She's likely to try to recuperate hers! Heck, she's likely to try to take what wasn't hers, too!
If you have her on any paperwork as a beneficiary or dependent or whatever... Get her off of those things ASAP. Are you paying for her car? For her car insurance? Any other insurance of hers? STOP THAT!
DO NOT MAKE PURCHASES FOR OR WITH THIS WOMAN. No appliances, no automobiles, no real estate - nothing more expensive than concert tickets for a concert that is coming up within a couple of weeks (if you don't plan to be gone yet). You don't want to create additional obligations or give any indication you intend to build a future together.
If You Live Together
Most of what you're going to do, you're going to do as secretly and quietly as possible, until you're no longer living together. Otherwise, she might sabotage your plans or lash out at you.
If you do live together (which you shouldn't - it is a terrible idea), the best position to be in is if you're living in her place. That's because it is far easier to leave her place than to kick her out of yours.
IMMEDIATELY STOP HAVING INTERCOURSE with her. Also, do not allow her access to your semen. Make sure she can't get your ejaculate. If you masturbate into tissue, flush it. (UNLESS you have a twice-verified sperm count of zero due to a vasectomy.) Provided she is actually still having intercourse with you, she's going to realize that something is up, no matter how good your excuses are, but try anyway. Tell her you need to see a doctor. The important thing is that you don't risk getting her pregnant.
You'll need to get out of her place or the place you share together, or get her out of your place. Do not entertain the delusion that you can still live together and be "friends". Living together with her always puts you at risk of continuing to pay her way through life or accusations of abuse. No matter how separately you live in the same place, she will have a negative impact on your life. So you can't live together anymore. If/when she finds out about your plans, do NOT fall for her pleas or for her trying to change your mind by acting differently, having more/better sex, cooking or doing chores around the place, etc. You can't continue to be with her and that stuff won't last anyway, which is why she wasn't doing that stuff before.
Don't worry about how she will cope or where she will go. She's a big girl. She'll figure it out.
Get a post office box and have your mail sent there. Get one at UPS or whatever if you have to. You don't want her getting her hands on your stuff and you don't want her having any excuse to contact you after you're no longer living together.
If You're Living In Her Place... Prepare your landing pad before you leap. Ideally, it will be your own rental, or if you have the money, buy the house you want to die in (preferably behind a gate). If you must crash at a friend's place for a while, so be it.
It is best that your departure happen surprisingly and suddenly. Treat her and her kids to a weekend away without you if you have to. You'll already have any rental agreement or homeownership paperwork signed, the keys, the utilities turned on, and any new furniture in place, even if just a bed. Get your buddies and/or a moving company lined up for the big moment. Have a storage rental ready if necessary (if you share one already with her, you do NOT want to use that one). If there are shared items, you may have to leave them behind and count them as a loss. Make your move when she and the kids are gone. You want her to come back and realize you are GONE.
If You Are Living in a Shared Place where your names are both on the lease/mortgage... Obviously, it is better to be leasing/renting than "own" together. If you're leasing/renting and can wait for the next deadline, leave when you can and make sure the landlord removes your name. You can also try getting out early. If you pay for any utilities, stop. Stop paying for cable/satellite/DSL/television/Internet/phone (except whatever is strictly yours, kept on your person) immediately and have them turned off. If SHE wants to pay for them with her own money, under her own name, let her. Move on to the other utilities if possible - electricity, gas, water. You want the place to be unlivable for her. If she moves out and gets her name removed from the paperwork, great.
If you own a home together, that's a lot more complicated, but again, you might be able to mess with the utilities to encourage her to leave, but attorneys need to be consulted about what to do and how to do it.
See immediately above as far as moving to a new place.
If She is Living in YOUR Place... It might be difficult to her get out. This is one of many reasons an attorney is essential. Again, laws vary from place to place as far as how to get people out of your home. Has she been paying any rent or making contributions to the mortgage payments? Has she paid for any of the utilities or any maintenance repairs on the place? The less of that she's done, the better. See immediately above as far as cutting off utilities. Stop (or never start) referring to it as "our" place. It is YOUR place.
Remember to GHOST HER!
There's a good chance she will blow up your phone, your e-mail, your social media, and bitch about you to everyone, including on social media. Ignore/block her as much as possible.
Do NOT answer the door or in any way receive her if she comes to your place, even if she has made your favorite dish and is bringing it over.
Do NOT get together with her in any way, shape, or form... not for coffee, not for anything. No good can come out of that. I don't care if she's gotten in to the best shape of her life and she strips naked and jumps on you - do NOT play that. She's trying to get knocked up.
What to do if...
She acts out. Document threats, abuse, and destruction. File police reports and get restraining orders as your attorneys advise.
She has your engagement ring. Your attorney can advise you, but in most places, the ring is supposed to be returned if the engagement is broken. If you gave it to her on her birthday or an anniversary or a holiday or a graduation or anything where/when gifts might be given, she might argue that it was a gift tied to that occasion and thus is not conditional. If you end up out the money, it is a very small loss compared to marrying her.
There were wedding plans. If you made deposits on anything, immediately see what you can get back. Since there are deadlines for some of those things, do that as quickly as possible. If you won't be able to recover sizable deposits, consider alternative uses for those deposits. For example, if you had booked a reception hall, consider throwing a party. If you had flight tickets, consider taking a trip. In some cases, it might be less trouble and less expensive to just count the deposit as a loss.
She has threatened to harm herself. Call the police.
You didn't know your booty call/hookup/date was a single mom. As soon as you DO know, ghost her, no matter how cool she seems or how good the sex has been. If you're eating or having drinks somewhere, literally get up and walk out immediately (settle whatever you personally owe the establishment, of course... let her pay for her own). Tell her you're going to the restroom if you want to placate her for long enough to make your escape. If you're driving her at the moment you find out, drive her to her place and leave her there. You don't want to spend a minute or dime more on her.
*These are all things you should have avoided doing/allowing in the first place. Never date or hook up with a woman who has minor children or who works where you do or for the same employer you do, unless you don't care about your job. Never sign contracts or make major purchases for or with a woman you are interacting with socially. The only contract you should be signing with a woman is if you are strictly doing business with her. The only major purchase you should be making for a woman is for your own mother, sister, or daughter. Avoid single mothers, and avoid living with a woman who isn't your wife.