Why You Don't Want to Do That

This page is here to tell you, men, why you don't want to...
...date
...get into a relationship
...shack up
...get married
...have children.

Maybe you will do one or more of these things. Not all of the reasons  provided below will apply to you, or be discouraging to you. But at least you'll be warned. These things bring with them unnecessary risks, drama, difficulties, and loss of control over your own life.

It's up to you to choose which level at which you'll stop. For example, someone who is simply on a marriage strike might be willing to shack up. A MGTOW guy might want to avoid dating at all. A Leykis 101 follower will want to date, but not go to any lower level. Although some of these might not apply to you, do not think you're the exception to the rule. Most guys think they're the exception or they've found a woman who is different from most other (American, Anglosphere, Western) women... until the kinds of things described below smack them hard upside the head.

Because this page is about protecting you and your self-interest, if you cite any of these reasons (or, simply refuse to take the discouraged actions), someone might accuse you of being selfish, or they might try some other shaming tactic. And if they do, so what? Chances are, a good case can be made that they have selfish reasons for encouraging you to do the things listed below. It's better to have others hurl insults at you than for you be pressured into doing something you don't really want to do.


Please note that I do not advocate fornication. I'm against elective abortion. However, we have to deal with things as they are, not as wish them to be. I'm addressing the realities of today and trying to make things better for men. If a man is going to fornicate, I'd rather he not make additional errors while he is doing so. Laws and social evolution have kept or added obligations to men while feminism has reduced them for women. That hasn't given us equality. It has given us a situation where, the further a man descends down this ladder, the less control he has over his own life, and the less he'll be doing the things that he wants to do. Though "equality" is supposed to be the esteemed and ultimate value in today's culture, since men and women are different (example: women get pregnant, men don't), it is impossible for true equality to exist when it comes to men and women in personal relationships.

The more of the following statements that are true for you, the less reason you'll have to take on the hassles of climbing down the ladder, or further down the ladder, which would make your life more complicated and be more work and more difficult for you:

"I'm happy with my life."
"I want to spend more time with my family or friends, or pursuing my hobbies and interests, or advancing my career."
"I have my act together"
"I enjoy being with myself."
"I don't want children."
"I don't want monogamy."
"I don't want sex."

Getting involved with women can turn any of those statements, if true for you, into huge problems. You'll be spending your time in arguments, dealing with mood swings and irrational hostility, and all sorts of drama. This is why some men have "gone ghost" and avoid as much interaction with women and gynocentric society as they can.

Let's get to why you are here...


Why You Don't Want to Date
(For our purposes, "dating" includes hooking up, courting, or whatever will involve sex, romance, or social appointments with women.)


You don't want to date because it means interacting more than is absolutely necessary with women[1], which puts you at risk for: being physically, emotionally, financially, and legally abused, including, but not limited to, false accusations of rape, assault, sexual harassment, and stalking; paternity (whether you're actually the biological father or not), which can result in 26+ years of financial drain, social obligations to interact with a woman for the rest of your life, social obligations to interact with that child for he rest of your life, or have your child slaughtered in the womb; and sexually transmitted diseases.

Dating also means spending at least some time, money, and energy doing things you don't want to do.

It can also put you at odds with other people who know the women or are somehow connected to the women you date. These things apply to unmarried, childless women but are even more of an issue if she has minor children. DO NOT DATE WOMEN WITH MINOR CHILDREN.

Approaching women makes you vulnerable. It puts your worth and future in their hands.

Bringing a woman back to your place increases your vulnerability, including for interference in your personal and professional life, abuse, false allegations, stalking, and harassment.

Most - but not all - of this can be somewhat mitigated or managed by following Leykis 101, which  "teaches men how to get more tail for less money" and advises men how to keep women from knowing their real full name, address, and other personal information.



Why You Don't Want to Be In a Relationship


You don't want to be in a relationship because it it intensifies many of the problems and risks of dating and limits your options to one woman [2]. For example, you might want to fornicate (or for a church-approved thing, you might want to attend midweek Bible study), and she might be on the rag or not feeling well or she had a bad day at work and so would be awful company. If you weren't in a relationship, you could move down your contacts list to the next woman, repeating until you found a suitable and willing woman.

Since a man's social value increases with age (as he acquires wealth, power, fame, experience, confidence) and a woman's social value decreases with age (as she loses her youth, looks, fertility, enthusiasm) being in a relationship is not sensible for a man; as the months pass he can get women even hotter than her.

Being in a relationship makes it more likely she will allow herself to get pregnant. She'll be looking to "take it to the next step" and ask questions like "Where is this relationship going?"

You're supposed to meet her family and friends and pretend to care about them, deal with their interrogations, and try to impress them. Behind your back, she will tell her friends everything she knows about you, including things about your penis.

You'll be expected to entertain her on a constant and ongoing basis as well as make plans, buy gifts, and do all manner of jumping through hoops for an endless cycle of numerous "special occasions" such as her birthday, Christmas and/or Hanukkah, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, the anniversary of your first date, the anniversary of you being a couple, Mother's Day (!), etc.

Once you're in a relationship, you can't avoid having her at your place, which is a risk. You are also made more vulnerable as she'll likely learn at least some of your secrets, failures, and shortcomings.

You'll be expected to attend weddings, funerals, and some family events with her, take care of her when she's sick, handle her problems or listen to her complain endlessly about them. She'll start to control your schedule, interfere in your friendships, maybe even your employment and career. She'll feel entitled to your money, to have you pay her bills, to have you take care of tasks involving her place, her automobile, her pets, etc.



The only possible benefit a man gets from limiting himself to one woman is that she might provide some domestic services, such as laundry or cleaning, but the accompanying risks and trade-offs are not worth it. If you really don't want to do those chores yourself, hire people to to them. Doing that is cheaper than relationships. As far as sex, if she feels the relationship is tenuous, she might still audition for a secure place by trying to impress you sexually, laughing at your jokes, keeping her personality flaws in check, etc., but with you officially being a couple and her being your "girlfriend" she may feel like she doesn't have to try as hard as when you were "just dating".

Having a girlfriend at your place allows her to incrementally move in, which is something you do NOT want to let happen (see below). She does this by getting in the habit of staying the night, and then two nights in a row, "forgetting" certain items at your place, then deliberately moving things of hers into your place for "convenience". If you have tampons in your bathroom, you're already in trouble. Before long she'll be noting that her lease is coming up, or the problems with her neighbors or landlord, or what a pain it is to pay rent on her place when she's spending so much time at yours. She might even ask you for help with her rent, to prompt you to ask her to officially move in with you. In the highly unlikely event she OFFERS to pay for a small part of YOUR rent or mortgage, DO NOT LET HER. Do NOT accept any money from her for that. Also, do  NOT let her buy things for your place, such as furniture or appliances and do not let her pay for repairs to your place. Do not let her leave things at your place. If she does anyway (tampons, jewelry, etc.) throw it out and if she asks if you've seen it tell her no.


Why You Don't Want to Shack Up
(See the paragraph immediately above for how women sneakily move in to your place and how to avoid letting it happen. If you're already shacking up, here's how to get out.)


You don't want to shack up because it it intensifies many of the problems and risks of being in a relationship and puts a woman in near total control of your residence and much more control of your life. Even worse, one call to the police from her or the neighbors and you can be kicked out of your own place and forced to support her while she stays there. Shacking up also makes it much more difficult to break up or dump her even though you know you should.

She may proceed to either nag you to throw out perfectly good items because some other woman once touched them or she will do it without even asking you. Moving into her place means most of your stuff will not be allowed. Finding a place with her means signing a lease or getting a mortgage together, which is very foolish to do with someone who can be so irrational, change her mind with the tide, and likely has less to lose than you do if she bails.

The only possible benefit a man gets from shacking up is that she is much more likely to provide some domestic services, such as laundry or cleaning, but again, the accompanying risks and trade-offs are not worth it. If you really don't want to do those chores yourself, hire people to to them. Doing that is far cheaper than having a woman shack up with you.

A man may think that living in the same place will mean they'll have more sex, but he is probably mistaken. There might be more sex the first couple of weeks, but it will drop off, especially as seeing you becomes a mundane thing, complete with your morning breath, the sharing of a bathroom, and laundry everywhere.

She'll have all the more reason, in her mind, to get pregnant or push for marriage.

Speaking of marriage, shacking up is terrible even if you do want to marry. It correlates to higher divorce rates, probably in part because you're establishing patterns as unmarried and legally distinct cohabitants that carries over into marriage, in which you're supposed to be "one".

Another thing that is important to know is if the state (or territory or province or county or city) in which you reside has "common law" marriage or assigns certain "rights" or entitlements to live-in partners that will put you at risk (mostly, in a financial sense). In some cases, referring to her as your wife/spouse/partner and/or referring to your place as "our place" legally gives her certain entitlements you do not want to give her.

If you're going to shack up, at least consult a family law attorney about a cohabitation agreement. But shacking is up is such a bad idea that it is one of the few things on which both Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Tom Leykis agree.


Why You Don't Want to Marry

(We generally use "marriage" here both in the legal sense, as in having a state "marriage" license, and the social sense, as in having had a ceremony and made vows. There is a difference. Here's practical advice for avoiding marriage.)

You don't want to marry because it it intensifies many of the problems and risks of being in a relationship or shacking up and it brings legal/financial and social obligations and risks without providing a breadwinning man with anything of benefit to him that he couldn't get without being married. Every good thing a man gets in a marriage, as in any relationship, is at the voluntary generosity of the woman and can be rescinded by her at any time for any/no reason and without any negative repercussions to her.


A man who has his act together gets no benefit from marrying.

A man who doesn't have his act together will be resented by his wife.

"But don't you want someone to take care of you?" Now who is being selfish? There's no guarantee a wife will take care of you. You're better off taking some of the money you save by not marrying and buying professional services and insurances so that professionals will take care of you.

"Don't you want someone to present to your employer and family?" The percentage of the population that is unmarried is getting larger. Unless you work for a Mormon company, your employer probably isn't going to be stuck in the middle of the twentieth century and want you to be married. Your employer is better off with you NOT being married. If your family really has a problem with you not being married, that's just too bad. It's your life and you have to live it.

"Don't you want someone to share life with?" You can do that without marrying.



If you've signed on the dotted line of the contract with the state, and made vows in front of friends and family, you've lost all of your power. No longer having to audition for the part, the woman you're with will likely drop much of her acting routine. Your jokes won't be as funny, everything she doesn't like about you will be nagged about. She won't be as enthusiastic, adventurous, or agreeable when it comes to sex.

But to even get married, you'd need buy an expensive, useless piece of jewelry for her (even though she is supposedly your equal) that is part of a sham that was perpetrated by the diamond industry extremely recently in human history. Then you'd have to plan and execute an elaborate (and likely expensive) proposal in which you'd get down on one knee (even though she's supposedly your equal) and ask this woman to let you:
 
a) sign a state legal contract with her (thereby getting the state more involved in your relationship and your life in general) that is to her advantage and your disadvantage, with such provisions as:
   -at least half of everything you'll be earning will belong to this woman
   -any child born to this woman, even if through adultery, would be your financial responsibility for 18-26 years, even if the woman promised she couldn't get pregnant
   -she will be your default beneficiary AND will be able to make medical decisions for you should you become unable to communicate
   -should she decide to leave you or should you decide to leave her, for whatever reason, you will have to pay for her legal team as well as your own
   -You will also have to make alimony payments to her, maybe for life

b) make a public promise that carries the social expectation that places your sexual satisfaction entirely up to the whims of one aging, irrational woman who likely wants sex a lot less than you do.

c) Endure (and likely pay for) a series of women-centered events with many complicated family interactions, power plays, conflicts, and other drama in which every unsettled score is acted upon leading up to the wedding. There might be separate bachelor and bachelorette parties. The bachelor party will either be bland or will get you into trouble, probably for the rest of your life. The bachelorette party will likely involve your wife-to-be sucking the penis of some male stripper.

d) Pay for and plan an expensive trip to some place she wants to go.

e) Endure (and likely pay for) an expensive wedding ceremony in which you make promises to your disadvantage and then sign a legal document that is to your disadvantage.

f) Endure (and likely pay for) a tiring reception where the family drama carries over and festers.

g) Drop longtime friends either because they didn't attend the wedding, didn't get the right gift, or didn't behave in a way the woman/her family approved of while at the reception. Also, lose longtime friends and contacts who weren't invited.

h) Take on her debts and bills.

i) Take on her problems.

j) Endure her moods, hormones, and, increasingly likely, her mental illness problems.

k) Be blamed for her not being happy even though she doesn't even know what would make her happy.

l) Pay for counseling/therapy during which she'll bitch about you and demand you change.

m) Endure having her friends, sisters, and mother know everything about you, especially the things she doesn't like.

n) Endure her friends and family.

o) Have your living conditions, time, spending, and social calendar controlled by her.

This doesn't even include all of the expense and mess dealing with any exes she has, children she has, her agreeing to have children or not have children and changing her mind, and her nagging about wanting to have children or her aborting children you want.

Speaking of having children...


Why You Don't Want to Have Children

Since it is best for a child to be raised in a stable, loving marriage with their parents, raising children responsibly means enduring all of the things previously mentioned. Once you have children, you are forever tied to that other person with whom you made the children. [3]

Also...

1. Kids require time, money, and energy.  Once you have kids, you have less of those things for you, for your friends, for your hobbies, for your work.

2. Kids change your lifestyle. They will change whether you do certain things anymore, how often you do certain things, and how you do certain things. The type of restaurants you go to, the kind of car you drive, the kind of vacations you take, the kind of fun you have – all of those things change with kids.

3. Kids require that you give up more of your autonomy, as you have someone else who is dependent on you and needs to be provided for and nurtured in a stable home. Every decision you make once you are a parent or are trying to become a parent should take your kids into account.

4. Having a kid means being emotionally vulnerable relating to what happens to that child and what is done to that child.

5. Having a kid means being legally, financially, and morally responsible for the actions of that child, whom you can't possibly personally supervise 24/7/365 for at least 18 years. Your kid might become a child-molesting serial killer or mass murderer.

6. Kids should have stability, which means you will not be able to move when and where you may like.

7. Kids need benefits and a steady income to provide for their needs, which means you or your spouse may not be able to change jobs or take transfers or promotions that may be necessary to advance a career.

8. Kids need a safe home that meets their needs, so you may not be able to live in the home and location you'd prefer, or furnish or decorate the home as you'd like.

9. Kids need their parents, so you will not be able to enjoy a risky lifestyle if you have become accustomed to one, such as eating what you want, drinking what you want, smoking what you want, engaging in the sports and activities that you want.

10. Kids need their innocence protected, and therefore you will have to censor your language, dress accordingly, and will not be able to enjoy the media you want when you want.

11. Having kids means less time, freedom, and energy to have sex.

12. Having kids makes it less likely that you will have a clean, orderly home.

13. Having a baby changes *everything*.

14. Having a baby is the biggest responsibility you'll ever have.

15. Having a baby will not fill every void in your life.

16. There could be issues about pregnancy, including illness.

17.There could be issues about labor, including injuries.

18. A woman's body is never the same after a full or late term pregnancy and delivery.

19. Going out for anything will become more difficult.

20. Children will acquire and transmit to you germs that will make you ill.

21. Children take a piece of your heart that you will never get back. Your hope is to outlive them and that they will take care of themselves and behave properly, but things might not go this way.

22. Raising a child means subjecting another person to all of the pain, embarrassment, discomfort, disappointment, and frustration of growing up. And they didn't ask to be born!

23. Children are people, with their own personalities, imperfections, and will, and especially if they are smart, there is no guaranteed way to get them to comply. Force is, ultimately, illegal, as is deprivation, as you are required to provide for the child's needs, no matter how non-compliant they are with you. There is no one "right" way to effectively raise a child, and no way to ensure they'll be decent adults, as evidenced by the endless resources claiming to solve parenting difficulties, many of which directly conflict with each other. You will foster neuroses in your children; the only question is which ones. Unless your children are the perfect future cubicle sheep, you'll be spending much of your time trying to teach them lessons, coax compliance, and deflect arguments, wasting time and energy in comparison to if children were obedient.

24. Raising a child means  inflicting yourself on someone who doesn't have a choice but to endure you.

25. Raising a child brings the state and county authorities into your home and into your life in various ways, including, but not limited to, the fact that anyone can report you as being neglectful or otherwise abusive, and even if the report (which can be anonymous) is entirely baseless, you'll have to endure an investigation by police officers and/or social workers, who have the power to take your children away from you, stick them with abusive strangers, and make you pay for their care.


These things are true even with a healthy child, but children may not be born with (or retain) health or normal abilities. The list of birth defects, diseases, disabilities, or other conditions that your child could have or develop is seemingly endless.


Let's face it... for most of human history, children were the inevitable byproduct of sex, but they were also basically your property. Parents 1) had more authority over their children; 2) could soon put those children to work in the family business (for most people for most of history, that was some form of farming); 3) had some level of social security provided to them by having children. In other words, children were assets within several years after being born (if they survived). Things have changed. Most of us don't live on family farms. We can hire specialists to do many of the things people used to have to do themselves or hope their family members would do. We have turned children into financial liabilities for at least 18 and often 26 or more years. Parents now have very limited authority over their children, who are more and more effectively wards of the state. The children usually can't be put to work but are often put into costly institutions, even from a few weeks of age, and they return that favor by dumping their elderly parents into institutions and letting government programs tend to them. Many people are very happy that we can now have sex but avoid conceiving children thanks to many different things, including vasectomies, tubal ligation, and IUDs, and other methods.

For the life of people, they can't seem to explain why they want to have children. They have them because the contraception didn't work or they were too lazy to use contraception. They have children because a woman gets some hormonal blast that make her feel like she must reproduce, or because others pressure them or peer pressure or pressure from their religious authority or congregation. "Continuing the family line" or "it's part of a full life" are cited, but who says continuing the family line is a good thing? You won't be remembered beyond your great-grandchildren (if even them); nobody will care.  Even if one of your descendants gets into genealogy, you'll just be a small piece in their puzzle, little more than a  note. And a "full life" is something to which Dennis Prager often appeals, but a lot of people think their life is made more full by being able to do things they wouldn't be able to do if they raised children. If someone thinks they should have children because "babies are cute" or "to have someone to love" then they should get a puppy.

Maybe you do want children, but to be responsible you'd need to get married, and our laws and culture have made that a likely loser for you. You'll have to figure things out for yourself.


Notes:




[1] It won't be long before technology can give men a "virtual" sexual (masturbatory, really) experience that is almost indistinguishable from the real sex, no doubt even a "better" sensory experience. For those who believe we are spiritual beings and/or that we have a soul, sex is usually considered a spiritual experience and thus simulations can never completely match lovemaking, but for the philosophical naturalist or materialist, or anyone who believes we are nothing more than mere molecules, there is an argument to be made that an artificial experience is qualitatively and morally the same as a real one, even better, because either way it is interacting with molecules, but with the virtual there is no chance of "using" another human being in a way that human being will later regret. If you think ubiquitous porn is turning men into recluses, you ain't seen nothing yet. A machine that gives him exactly the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches, and all-around sensations that stimulate and please him the most is undoubtedly on its way.

[2] Every once in a while some guy will ask "But what about polyamory or an open relationship?" Why bother? This really only addresses the problem of being limited to having sex with one person. Why not just do Leykis 101? It's much less work than finding women who'll explicitly agree to non-monogamous relationships and then maintaining those relationships. Even if you can find something like that, such arrangements often mean more of the drawbacks stated above (for example, making a big deal about each woman's birthday).

[3] Leykis now tells men who want to be fathers to use a donated egg and a surrogate to produce a child to be raised without a mother. I advise against this, and I also advise against knocking up a woman who isn't your wife. At this time, I don't think "wife" has to (or should) mean a wife as defined by state law. I can't recommend that men marry in either the current social or legal sense, but if they want to raise a child and have their act together, after finding the most compatible woman, they should get ceremonially/religiously married but NOT legally. Consult a family law attorney on how to do this and how to set up necessary paperwork to make sure you are protected and your child is protected, then live AS THOUGH you are married, in the more traditional sense.

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