Getting Married Was the Biggest Mistake of My Life

Marrying is the biggest mistake I've made. It's not even close. It isn't like it just beats out another mistake. No, getting married has turned out to be my biggest mistake by far.

It's not just that I shouldn't have married my wife.

I shouldn't have married.

There's no woman on Earth who should have been my wife.

If you think you're different than me, chances are you're not. Man, if you're considering marriage, even if you're set to get married later today, DON'T DO IT. Legally marrying burdens a breadwinning man with enormous risks and obligations with no guaranteed benefit. You don't need a wife.

And that's just the "successful" marriages.

Literally most marriages are failures. Most!

I was told that if I did things right and had the right attitude, it would work out. What never struck me is the glut of "marriage help" media and programs targeted not only to married couples in general, but towards conservative, churchgoing, Christian marrieds. Why are there are so many books, videos, websites, programs, seminars, retreats, counselors, and therapists? Because what we now call marriage, in today's world, is, more often than not, deeply problematic. There's a whole lot of trouble out there: misery, incompatibility, hostility, dysfunction, cheating, abuse, on and on it goes.

Some people will respond to this by accusing me of having or having had the wrong attitude, as if I went into marriage thinking it was all going to be about what I wanted (I wonder how many of these people support calls for men to marry that appeal to the man's self-interest?). But this isn't about me being self-centered. (Whether someone is self-centered or Christ-centered, marriage can still be a hindrance to a good life.) I was prepared to provide, protect, care for, love, honor, cherish, romance, etc. etc. etc. I was prepared to bring home the bacon on a consistent basis (be the sole breadwinner); save, invest, insure; be home most of the time when not working to be a husband and father; take care of things around the house such as the lawn and trash and whatever else; take the family to church and nurture spiritual development; go to social events and visits arranged by my wife, including with her family and friends, and so on.

What I had no way of knowing until after we had our children was that my wife wasn't going to hold up her end of the marital deal, and even worse, she was going to pass along serious mental illness to at least one of our children and it was going to be a problem from the earliest ages.

Man, you may be thinking "That's you. It will be different for me." Maybe. I'd be so happy for you if that turned out to be the case. But odds are, that's not the case. Or maybe you're already married and you think you have a great marriage now, and maybe it is. It likely won't be for much longer. Sad, but true. If you're in a relationship with a woman who has kids or you're shacking up, you need to avoid marrying her and get out of that!

In all likelihood, my life would  have been so much better if I hadn't married. Now, I can only daydream about the good times I could be having with my friends and my family of origin, my hobbies and interests, the activities and events and trips I could be enjoying, being able to have peace, quiet, and rest at home, managing my finances with confidence that I can pay all the bills in the short term and the long term, and doing better in my career.

But instead of living a good life, I'm a beaten dog, struggling to keep things together. I'm busy being a butler and walking ATM, trying to respond to my wife's halfhearted apologies for rejecting me romantically and sexually and sympathies for how I bust my ass with little rest and relaxation in a way that won't trigger more hostility, depression, or a psychotic break on her part.

Getting married was the biggest mistake of my life. Don't make the same mistake. Live a good life.

[This entry was bumped up from June 2018.]