"Why Don't You Leave?"

I figure I owe it to my readers to answer this question you may have had after reading my tweets and/or this blog.

My wife married me under false pretenses. She and her family hid some very important information from me. They might have just not realized it was something I wanted to know, though I did ask them, when I asked for permission to propose, if there was any reason I shouldn't marry her. My wife knew full well I wanted a healthy wife. She might have been self-deluded. Whether she was or not, either way, we married under false pretenses.

Currently (February 2016), she does little more than provide limited babysitting for our children, some of the grocery and gift shopping, drive the kids to and from school most of the school days each week, and mercy sex about once every two weeks. That's about it. Everything else I either do myself or pay someone else to do it. She doesn't go on dates with me, we don't spoon or cuddle, she doesn't prepare meals or do the laundry, she doesn't clean, she doesn't play hostess to my friends or professional acquaintances, handle the mail, or manage finances. She's very expensive for many reasons, including expensive medical treatments.

Yes, she's expensive. Even she says so. Although my income is above the household average even for where I live, which has a higher average income than the national average, and I live fairly simply, it's somewhat of a struggle financially to save for retirement and cover our bills.

I feel like her butler much of the time.

I never know when something is going to set off a period of her being suicidal or overtly hostile towards me.

So given all of that, you might ask, "Why don't you leave?"

It's a good and fair question. I'll answer it as best as I can.

Let me make this clear that this is about my situation, not yours. This isn't to judge you who haven't stayed. I wasn't in your skin. I don't know everything about your situation. This is entirely about my situation.

So here goes...

We have minor children. We've been married for more than ten years. For almost our entire marriage, my wife has not been employed. When my wife stopped working, she did not go out on disability, but I guarantee you she would make the case that she is too disabled for employment now. Since being duped made me really angry, I have been getting therapy for anger.

Given those things and the laws and family courts where I live, the likely result of a divorce would be:

1) I would have to move out of the house. It would need to be sold or I would have to pay to house my wife and children there in addition to paying for wherever I'd be living.

2) I would have to pay for two legal teams, mine and hers.

3) Over half of what I own would to go her.

4) My kids would have to get shuttled back and forth between two homes, and my wife would likely  be with them unsupervised, which would be dangerous (getting a court to see that would probably be difficult).

5) I would have to pay child support.

6) I would have to pay alimony to my wife, for the rest of her life or my life.

I've heard some counterarguments to these points.

1, 2, 3, and 6) "Don't let money stop you! Life is short!" It's not just about not having enough money for me, but it is also about my kids. Their quality of life would suffer financially (in addition to all of the other ways).

4) "Your kids are already spending time away." While is true that, during the school year, one kid at a time will often spend the night with my mother/siblings, or my wife's siblings, for a night or two on weekends, and one often will spend several days at a time away during school vacations, it isn't the same thing to a child as having their home split in two and having to go back and forth all of the time.

5) "You can get equal custody!" It's not going to happen. She would portray me as out of control, for one thing. And for another, I work.

Then there's "You will be free to find a better wife!". No. Heaven forbid my wife divorce me or die - but if she did, I would never remarry. NEVER NEVER NEVER. OK, maybe to a bikini model who is extremely wealthy and eager to take care of me. But seriously, I'm never remarrying and I wouldn't bring a new lover of mine into the lives of my children as long as they're minors anyway. "Hey man, I used to feel that way, too." OK. I've heard that from friends who have divorced and found new wives/girlfriends, and perhaps you're in the same situation. I've given this a lot of thought. I was prepared to never marry back when I first did. I married because I mistakenly thought I had found a woman with whom I was compatible and complimentary and had what I needed in a wife. Such a woman probably doesn't exist. However, this isn't a matter of "I don't think I can find someone better, so that's why I stay." I stay because I think it is what is best for my children right now. I will seriously re-evaluate that if there is a strike three or when the children are up and out of the home.

Absent abuse or some form of danger, my kids are better off having both of their parents living with them, being somewhat cooperative and civil to each other.

"But what about sex?!? You could have great sex with an enthusiastic lover 3-5 times  per week!" Well, yes, I could. However, I'm convinced sex is for marriage, and also that as much as I like sex (and I do, a lot), it wouldn't be worth remarrying.

I know divorce is common and there's no societal shame in it at all anymore, at least where I live. My father, no doubt revealing some of what he went through or thought he was going to go through when he divorced my mother, told me not to let what other people might think stop me from divorcing. He probably got a hard time from some of his kin, who've lived their whole lives as very traditional, somewhat rural folks who stayed in their marriages no matter how bad things got. I have reassured him that the only people who'd likely give me any grief would be 1) her family, and I really don't give a dried out heap of dung that they have to say, and 2) our adult fellowship, and seeing as how I wouldn't fit in there anymore if divorced, I wouldn't give any more dung about that, either.

I do believe that I'm protecting my kids, which is the most important thing. Less important is how messy the divorce would be or the fact that since I'm going to be paying for her the rest of my life either way, I might as well get what little I can out of the deal.

So that's why I don't leave.


  1. DarthW9:21 PM

    I know far too many men in your situation. Got married thinking to a "career woman", or at least a woman who'd had a job for years supposedly supporting herself, and once married she "lost her job" never to be found again. I even know a couple guys who were simply living with a woman, and she'd quit her job thinking she had his cash coming in, and then not get back to work until the relationship was obviously not going to lead to marriage - where she could chillax at home while he worked and earned.

    "Oh, but she was at home working on raising the kids.", but this is not true either. Many married men I know have stay at home wives who do not cook, clean or raise kids. A housecleaner does the chores which the guy pays for. The kids are often out of the house by now, and wifey still won't get a job. The husband is expectd, of course, to be a paragon of feminism and do his fair share of the domestic duties AND go to work 40+ hours a week so as not to interfere with wifeys soaps and bon bon eating.

    I was talking to a 30 year old guy today. Single, no kids. And emphasizing to him how he should never marry, and if he has kids to get a surrogate or adopt, never marry to have them. He seemed halfway down that path, and I hope my reinforcement will help it all make sense. Hopefully, another young man has been saved from the fate of marriage in all its emptiness (for the man).

  2. Thanks. Our agreement from early on in dating is that she would be a SAHM, and then when the kids will ready for Kindergarten either she would homeschool them or she could at least work park-time. She had the kind of training and job experience that would allow her to work oart-time, or work hours when I'd be home. With me as the breadwinner, she was to handle most domestic chores.

    But it didn't turn out that way. Shocking, right? And no, not all SAHMs are alike. Here's something I wrote on that:


  3. Anonymous5:46 AM

    I won't divorce for the same reasons - my wife is very lazy and immature, and I don't want to have too much of that rub off on them. Also, Lord only knows what she'd say about me to them when she had them alone (as I stated, she's very immature).

    Like you, I feel that I was sold a bill of goods. I also violated one of your main rules as she was married before - I was too caught up in the constant sex of our relationship to wonder about that.

  4. Anonymous11:31 AM

    You are not her butler, come on.

    You are her slave.


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