He Changed the Rules

I continue to listen to Dr. Laura as a Family Plus Member, which allows me to download podcasts of all three hours of her show (which runs Monday-Friday). It is the only paid podcast subscription I have. On Thursday, May 26th, her third hour pretty much began with "Jennifer". Jennifer said she and her husband agreed when they married that she would be a "stay at home mom" to their children. But now that she's out on maternity leave and has told him she still wants to be a SAHM more than she wants to return to her job, he has responded by saying he "didn't marry a housewife" and asking why she bothered to get a degree.

Before calling, she had even already done what Dr. Laura usually suggests in this situation, which is for her to come up with a workable budget and present it to him to prove that it is possible for them to live on his income. He rejected it, because he wants a more expensive lifestyle.

It is an incredibly sad situation.

Jennifer's husband is and example of someone Dr. Laura will say is not a "real man". Chastity "Chaz" Bono is not a real man. Just about anyone with an "XY" chromosomal makeup is a real man. They can be lousy men, or evil men, but they are still men. Notice we never hear the phrase "real woman". But Dr. Laura is allowed to talk like this in my book because she doesn't insist on radical egalitarianism. I often write about "guys" when I want to distinguish some men from more mature men. But I've digressed.

Anyway, this is one reason that I, unlike Dr. Laura and so many others, favor prenuptial agreements even in first marriages, even when neither person has much in terms of personal wealth. I'd like to see each couple getting married have to swear under penalty of perjury that they have discussed this issue and what their agreement is, and I'd like to see the laws and courts back it up. If Jennifer's husband truly stated that he agreed that she should be a SAHM, she should have been able to get that in writing, and if he refuses now, he should be required to pay her enough in child support and alimony that she can be a SAHM with or without him. Likewise, if a woman agreed she was going to be a SAHM and then refuses, the husband should be allowed to be a SAHF and to get enough from her that he can. Or, switch the sexes. That should all be enforceable via prenup.

Perhaps Jennifer's husband wouldn't have married her in the first place if he had to sit down and sign a legally binding agreement about all of this. Or, maybe he would have married her and bitten the bullet now, instead of trying to change the rules.

When the woman who is now my wife brought up the subject early on in our dating, I firmly said that strangers would not be raising my children. I also added that how that works out is open to discussion. All she ever wanted was to work in her chosen career field (which she was doing at the time), be a wife, and then be a SAHM. So neither of us had a problem with me being the income earner and her being the primary caretaker. She now says she has the life she's always wanted, and I'm glad for that.

Would it be nice to have more money? Yes, it would. And I'm sure Uncle Sam and the State of California would both love the extra income tax. But I'd rather my children have their mother as much as possible.

I guess that would make me a real man in Dr. Laura's vocabulary. But I care more about the respect and thanks I get from my wife.

Who Says Gays Can’t Get Married?

CONFUSED ON WHAT TO DO wrote in to Dear Abby:

I started a relationship with a co-worker.

Guys, unless you don’t care about your job, do NOT socialize with your female coworkers. Sexual harassment laws and policies make it too risky. Keep your communication with female coworkers to the bare professional minimum.

We went out for several months, and I found myself really enjoying his company. The feeling was mutual. After several months I told him I was developing feelings for him, more than just friends. He told me he was gay.

So he's thinking he’s getting a new friend, and she was looking for a husband. She should be very thankful that he was honest with her. I've written about, and heard from, women who've discovered after marrying that their husband's homosexual.

I was shocked, saddened and angry all at the same time, but we went on to develop an even stronger friendship.

So everything is okay, right? Right?

I have fallen in love with him, but I have had counseling and I believe those feelings are in check.

Uh huh. Sure.

We have a special bond that's hard to explain.

If you say so.

For lack of a better term, we have used the words "soul mate" to describe this feeling.

So you're deliberately avoiding sex and marriage? Why is that?

He has even said he would like a lifelong commitment with me and has thought about marrying me.

I would strongly advise against this, because of your attraction to him. If you weren’t attracted to him, and you didn’t want sex, and you were fundamentally compatible with him in other ways, and you got a pre-nup and didn’t make babies, then it could be okay.

Dear Abby responded:

But while you're thinking, consider carefully how important sex is to you. Some, not all, women would be content with what he's offering. But what if you should meet someone? You also need to know whether this man is ready, willing and capable of forgoing a sexual relationship with a man. How would you feel about it if he met someone?

Good points.

What do YOU think?

The Last Oprah Winfrey Show

Finally, our long national nightmare is over.

I couldn't watch the show. It would lower my testosterone levels.

Where will millions of women now get faulty spiritual guidance?

She Has It and Flaunts It

How revealing is too revealing? And does it change as an adult gets older? PRIM AND PROPER IN OKLAHOMA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My mother-in-law, "Kay" -- who is in her 50s -- dresses like she's in her teens or 20s.

What does that mean, exactly? Well, read on.

Don't get me wrong, she looks great. She exercises several hours a day to keep in shape and follows a strict diet.

Kay wears spaghetti-strap shirts and short skirts in the summer, and bikinis to sunbathe. I understand that she wants to show off her body, but is there a way to direct her to more age-appropriate clothing?

So... bikinis, short skirts, and spaghetti-straps are okay for teens? But not for a woman in her 50s?

Dear Abby responded:

You are well-intentioned, but if you are wise, you will refrain from giving your mother-in-law any unasked-for fashion advice.

That's for sure. I'm not so sure about the well-intentioned bit, though. She could just be jealous. A lot of women can't stand it when another women draws attention while in their presence.

Anyone think the MIL would take the criticism well, and would change how she dresses as a result?

Any of you know anyone like either of these women... perhaps it is you?

Here's the argument I've heard from some of my fellow religious conservatives (Christian and otherwise). "None of that is appropriate at any age because it causes men to think of women as sex objects or have impure thoughts." I've also heard that some of that is fine for available women, but not for women who are making a commitment. Then there's the reverse - religions in which married women can wear blue jeans, but unmarried women (who are all supposedly virgins... which often means they only have sex with guys outside of the family religion/social circle) can't wear jeans, but instead wear really long skirts. And learn how to walk in short strides.

What say you? Back in my bachelor days I wouild insert some joke here about sending me a picture if you're not sure what is appropriate so that I could tell you one way or the other.

A Reminder: Don't Donate Sperm

For various reasons, I say men should not donate sperm. In no particular order, here are some reasons why:

1. If someone wants to raise a child, they can adopt. If someone wants the experience of pregnancy, they can adopt a very young child ("extra" frozen embryo).

2. If donating to someone you know, you’re going to feel some sort of "ownership" of that child, which will cause parenting conflicts.

3. Human life should not be treated like a commodity.

4. You should have more influence over and responsibility for someone created with your generic material. You know what it is like to grow up with your genes already.

5. If you bump into your offspring or your offspring bump into each other many years down the line, there is no small chance there will be an intense physical attraction of the sexual sort. Pregnancies can result long before the biological relation is known.

6. Your sperm may be used to make human beings for the purpose of killing them.

7. In man cases, donated sperm is used to condemn a child to a fatherless life, either to be raise by a woman who doesn't have enough time or social skills to do it the natural way, or two women (or perhaps four or more, should the original two split up) – none of these people recognizing the importance of fathers, and perhaps men in general.

8. You may end up on the hook for child support. Yes, it has happened.

9. Resulting children could show up later to wreak havoc in your life.

There's more corroboration of points 5, 8, and 9 in this recent article.

Donor anonymity is given to encourage men to make donations, says Arthur Caplan, director of the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Sperm banks fear potential donors will get cold feet if they think they may be held financially or legally responsible for the children they help produce, he says. But donors need to understand that "anonymity cannot be enforced," Caplan adds. "When children, for emotional or health reasons, want to find their 'biological' parents, records are unsealed and they do." Kids trump parents, Caplan concludes, and their need to know is more important: "Courts will go this way, as they do in adoption."

Guys, don't do it. Just say no.

My sister-in-law has donated scores of eggs in multiple sessions. She's done doing that due to newly found moral reasons (thankfully). But what complications will she have down the line as a result? Will she, her future children, or my own kids bump into her kids? How many embryos (human beings) were created only to be destroyed or later selectively aborted (murdered)?

Another Closeted Hubby

Painful. I've written about this before, and got a comment from a woman who was put into a similar position. HELPLESS IN MIAMI wrote in to Dear Abby:

I recently learned that my husband of 35 years is gay.

That’s an awful long time. How often did you have sex? Perhaps he's bisexual? I just know that I could not fake it with a man for 35 years, because I'm straight. And that would become apparently rather quickly. Women can "fake it" much easier than men.

I never suspected and I am stunned.

There are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which is that back when you married, there was more pressure for gays to be closeted.

We have three children and eight grandchildren who all adore him.

Okay.

I learned his secret from an email he left on the computer screen.

Well, it could have been worse. You could have walked in on him with another man, or someone else could have.

It took a few days, but I confronted him and he told me everything.

That must have been a load off for him, but quite painful for you.

He has been with men since before our marriage.

Pressure or not, he should never have married you. On the other hand, consider your children and grandchildren that resulted.

He assured me he has never done anything that could have caused me to get a disease. I went for an examination and I'm fine.

Well, that's good.

I'm lost about what my next step should be. I'm in my late 50s. Starting over isn't something I ever considered… I have no interest in having sex with my husband again, but being apart from him terrifies me.

Do you care about having sex with anyone again? If not, why not stay put and be friends and roommates, if you can be friends with someone who kept such a big thing secret from you all of those years. He'll always be the father of your children, after all.

I feel like I'm in prison.

How so, exactly? If you do want sex and romantic love, then yes, get out. But if not, and if you otherwise enjoy his company, you might want to stay.

Dear Abby's response indicates she also considers him bisexual. She also refers the woman to a group dealing with this issue.

I would completely understand it if she remains upset and wants to get as far away from him as possible. Consider if he was straight, and seeing other women on the side. But he obviously prefers men enough to go behind her back, and it has to hurt that the man she thought desired her didn't, or at least not as much as she thought. I think the law should be such that he should get punished in a divorce. He built a life with her under false pretenses, cheating on her along the way. She should not have to suffer much loss of her lifestyle, from a material perspective. Not sure about the laws in Florida, but in California it wouldn't matter. He'd be able to take half, as though this was an equal deal all along.

Why, Paul? Why???

Poor Paul McCartney. He apparently had a long, happy marriage to Linda, and then she got sick and died. That had be a horrible thing to go through. Understandably, Paul got married again, probably expecting a long, happy marriage again.

But he ended up having to pay some ridiculous amount of money when the married ended. You'd think a guy who has had to pay out so much money would be "shy" on marrying again. Apparently not.

Oh well. It is his money to throw away if he wants to.

It Shouldn't Be a Chore

Andrea, who really has quite a great blog, has this great recent entry calling on the Christian wife to be her husband's lover.

Many Flags Waving in the Wind

It seems rather simple to me. “Stuck” wrote in to Dear Margo:

I've been dating a wonderful man for nine months. We enjoy a variety of activities and generally have a lot of fun together. However, as I approach my 31st birthday, I find myself thinking in terms of the big picture.

Tick-tock.

I've always thought I would like to have children, but I would prefer not to have them close to my 40s. Although my boyfriend has never specifically stated that he does or does not want children,

Strike one.

we have some differences - approaches to managing money, for one,

Strike two.

and I like to travel, while he does not.

Strike three! He's OUT! (Actually, here's a likely translation of this "Woman" into English: "I like men to pay for me to take vacations. He's not falling for it.")

To date, he has not been able to say the "L" word, and from what I understand, this may be a lingering effect of his past relationship.

It's only been nine months. That isn't too long for him to wait, though you’ve probably been having sex for what, eight months?

I'm not sure what to do.

Date other men. Only see this guy if you have nobody more compatible to see and nothing else to do.

I feel ready to start thinking about settling down and having children in the near future, but I have no idea whether my boyfriend will be at that point anytime soon.

Don't bet on it.

Should I "go with the flow" for now and enjoy what we have, or discuss my thoughts?

Go with the flow if you value sex with him more than you value getting married, having kids, and traveling. Although travelling will likely be reduced if you have kids, at least until they are older, because it is such a gigantic pain in the behind to travel with young kids.

Dear Margo responded:

Why don't you ask him what his thoughts are?

Waste of time. If he really wanted kids, he would have brought up the subject already. Don't give her hope that talking about it is really going to change him. At "best" he'll agree to whatever she wants because he likes her company and doesn't want to go through the trouble of finding another woman who will have sex with him (even though it really isn't much trouble at all). Then, she'll get pregnant and he'll make her life miserable or he'll leave.

She should find someone more compatible with her who is prepared to get married.

I Didn't Get Married To Have More Bills

My wife's New Years resolution I wrote about here didn't last long. She actually reminded me of it the other day, remarking that she had let it disappear. I'd forgotten. How bad is that?

Why are things like this? In my wayward youth, every date or evening with my girlfriend of any given moment would involve sex (one we were into the relationship, that is). This was 3-4 times per week. Here I am, a married man, and we're making love a dismal once a week and maybe, maybe she throws in mercy oral once between lovemaking sessions.

It is possible, that, despite how passionate she was when we were dating (and deliberately restricting our physical affection), she simply has a low libido.

It could be her medication, which can reduce libido. But she was taking that when we were dating and she displayed a lot more passion then.

If I wanted to get really cynical, I could say it was the wedding cake and the kids. She has what she wants. She doesn't want any more kids because she doesn't think she can take care of more. An orgasm is not enough of a motivator to make love more often, apparently, and my desire for lovemaking isn't as important in her eyes as my need for sleep.

By the time everything is taken care of on any given day, it is clear I'm not going to be getting enough sleep, so she urges me to simply go to sleep, as making love would deprive me of some of the precious little sleep I'll be getting, and if she allows me to bring her or orgasm, she'll not be able to get to sleep until later than she would otherwise.

I could force the issue, of course, but that kind of defeats the purpose. I don't want a hostage in bed, or to feel I am inconveniencing the woman I am supposed to cherish. I want a passionate and enthusiastic partner.

As much as I stress that fornication is wrong, I can cite some good things about that part of my past. One of those things is that I know I'm not a horrible lover. If I didn't have that experience, I would be rather insecure and down on myself. I would be convinced that I must be a horrible lover and thus a failure as a husband, and nothing she could say would be able to change that, because the proof I'd have would be in the action (or lack of it) and attitude I have already experienced with her. And when she indicates lovemaking is no big deal for her, the message is received, as it is with any husband who hears such a thing, that is isn't a big deal to make love with me.

I didn't have to fool or manipulate those past lovers into having sex with me. If anything, my past lovers were the aggressors. Such is the state of the "gentler" sex these days. I never felt like I was keeping them from something else they wanted to do, or otherwise inconveniencing them, or making them do a chore. Of course, none of those women were right for me, and I didn't marry any of them. I married my wife. My wife takes care of our kids. My wife is a grandmaster coupon shopper. My wife makes dinner. My wife does laundry and washes the dishes. She does a lot for our family, and it isn't like I’m forgetting all of that. But I do want to make her lose control, to lose herself in the moment more often. I want her to enjoy herself and enjoy my affection.

So what is the answer? Turn up the romance, right? But there's only so much we can do to increase that in our lives right now. In fact, we've recently been managing to get a limited date night once a week (which is an improvement), but the circumstances mean... surprise... even less sleep, and that's not because of lovemaking. If anything, these date nights are less conducive to lovemaking than other nights.

At this rate, if she ever does get an fire lit down below, I might be so over it I'll need a little blue pill to have sex with her rather than masturbate.

See: Married Men Get More Sex

Exit Only

This message is about an anal orifice. Skip it if you don't want to read it.

An Unmarried Woman

SINGLE IN DIXIE wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am an average-looking, middle-aged woman. I have many friends and a career I love.

So far, so good.

What I do not have is a partner.

Some people are happy like that. Not her.

It breaks my heart. I feel excluded from an important part of life -- romantic love.

She wasn't always excluded, as she writes...

I have had relationships with men. All of them were disasters.

All? Why? Are you bad a picking men, or bad at treating men? If it is the former, find out why you are bad at picking men, or you are likely to keep picking bad men.

I wonder how many great men passed you by because you were embroiled in disasters with bad boys?

Once you do have that figured out, don't be unrealistic in your standards. By no means should you put up with lousy treatment or anything like that. But if you're only going to consider, say, high-earning professionals around your age... the unmarried ones either don't want to be married or can attract younger, hotter women.

At the age I am now, there seems to be little or no hope of finding anyone.

I'm not going to lie. It is difficult for an "average-looking, middle-aged woman". This is why so many women "pin the tail" on the groom before they get to that point, with mixed results.

Most of my friends are married or in committed relationships, and I feel like an outsider.

That could be part of the problem – you’re hanging out with married people. They're already married.

I am involved in my church and my career, and to all outward appearances, I look happy and successful.

Is your church the kind that tends to drive away unmarried men? That could be another problem.

But, Abby, inside I am terrified that I'll be alone forever.

See, as unromantic as it sounds, I could have been happy being unmarried. I was happy being unmarried. But I understand that other people are different.

Sometimes I wonder how I will survive this life.

I suggest saving, investing, insuring, and networking. And not getting a lot of cats.

Dear Abby tries to convince her it isn't so bad:

There are worse things than being alone.

There are worse things than just about everything.

Chief among them is being stuck in a relationship (formal or otherwise) with someone who isn't right for you.

This is true.

If you are spending most of your time with couples, perhaps you should arrange to spend more time with other singles.

Yes.

Expand your circle. Travel, if you can afford it. It will make you a less depressed, more interesting person to be around.

Yes, yes.

Here's what I’ll add:

First of all, you've made it this far in life. Yes, you are lonely, but ask yourself if you are really willing to trade some of your established ways and autonomy for romantic partnership, and make sure that you're not just feeling left out because of your friends being married. If you really do want a romantic partner, read on...

Honestly assess yourself. "Average" these days means "overweight". If you are more than ten or fifteen pounds overweight, shedding the fat will give you an advantage. Also, see if there is something else to do to improve your appearance. Is it time for a new hairdo? Time to change the wardrobe and makeup use?

Some women give off a "do not touch" vibe. You are probably giving off a "desperation" vibe. Neither one is helpful. Do you know how to flirt? Do you carry yourself in a way that makes you approachable? Do you put yourself in places where eligible men are likely to be?

Career women sometimes give off a vibe that they need to always be in control. A lot of men don't want that in their personal life. Also, most women marry men who earn more than they do. Have you considered men who earn about the same or less than you? There may be very romantic men who are right for you who earn less and you should consider them because you don't need a man to support you.

In addition to considering a man who earns less, you should also consider older men or younger men. You said you're looking for romance. A middle-aged woman can certainly have romance with a younger man or an older man. If you were younger and looking to start a family, I'd recommend a man about your age or slightly older, but that's not your situation.

You didn’t menion a hobby. Maybe you should get involved in a hobby, activity, or cause where you are likely to find elible men who are compatible with you. There are such men out there who have the same ache you do.

Go do something about it!

He Wasn’t A Husband

TRICKED IN RICHMOND, VA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I was in a long-term relationship with a man who died recently.

My sympathies on the loss.

After his death I found out he had other girlfriends while he was with me.

Had he taken a vow of monogamy?

It turns out he was a con man who used women.

How so, exactly? I am baffled most of the time when the word "used" is thrown around in situations like these. For example, a man pays a woman's way for an night out on the town. They both enjoy it. They have sex. They both enjoy that. Somehow, that is "using" her. How is she being used? Isn't he being used? after all, he's paying money for a date they both enjoy.

I am stunned, sad, hurt, angry and feel like a fool.

Why? He wasn’t your husband. Point me to the codified moral system he was living under that says it is okay to fornicate, but only with one woman over a given length of time. She doesn't even say he lied to her. He probably did, I would imagine. That would make him a liar. But he was already a fornicator. He didn't become one by fornicating with more than one woman.

When people who knew us as a couple see me, they ask about him. When I say he died, they respond by offering condolences over "my loss."

Well, yeah. That's normal human behavior.

Should I thank them for their kindness and leave it at that, or should I tell them the truth about him so they won't waste time feeling bad about his demise?

Thank them. Nobody wants to hear it. When you die, do you want people to say you aren't worth mourning because you did some things they didn't like?

Dear Abby responded:

If it will make you feel better to vent, do it. However, if rehashing the unhappy details would make you feel worse, keep them to yourself.

Nothing about... if you want monogamy, at least get and make a vow of monogamy?

Prom Time Again

Every year now, I take notice of this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention whores and attention whores-in-training.

Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column.

Getting Longer

This is one of those posts I figure is best offer a warning about. I'm talking about recent news about "male enhancement". Click through if you want to read about it.

Mangum's Alleged Victim Dies

According to this article, Durham police confirmed that Reginald Daye, 46, has died.

A man who said he was Daye's nephew called 911 to report the stabbing, saying it occurred while Daye and his girlfriend were arguing about rent money.

Don't shack up and don't ever pay her bills, and this won't be an issue.

In March 2006, Mangum claimed three white players on the Duke lacrosse team trapped her inside a bathroom at 610 N. Buchanan Blvd., where she was performing as a stripper at a team party, and raped and sexually assaulted her.

Her story about the incident was so inconsistent that state officials later declared the players innocent, saying there was no credible evidence against them.

Former Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong was later disbarred for withholding DNA evidence from defense attorneys in the case.

The three lacrosse players and some of their former teammates are suing Nifong and a police investigator, claiming their rights were violated during the case.

Crazy chicks are fun in bed, but it isn't fun when they falsely accuse you of rape, drive your children into the Hudson, cut off your penis, or stab you to death. On the other side of the coin, bad boys are a lot of fun, until they beat your or kill you. Choose wisely.

It's Because I'm Fat, Isn't It

Somehow, it got to be a huge (pun intended) story that American Idol has been accused of weight bias by a teenager who was in the audience. Mind you, this is a show that has featured fat contestants.

From reading this Associated Press article from Lynn Elber, there doesn't seem to be any corroborating evidence to back the claim of 19-year-old Ashley Kauffman of Riverside, California of being told she was too fat to sit in the front row. Even one of the others in her group is quoted as saying nobody else in the group heard Idol staff telling her that.

To me, Kauffman's claims are highly doubtful. Who tells an audience member, someone the staffer wants to be cheerful and enthusiastic on camera, that she's fat?

But let's assume for the sake of discussion that someone actually said to her, "You’re too fat to sit in the front row."

This is a television show we're talking about. It isn't a public school, or a city council meeting. It is their show, they should be able to set the rules and arrange their audience the way that works best for them.

It doesn't matter how many Americans get overweight or obese. It isn't attractive to most people, and it isn't what most people want to see on TV. I write this as someone who has been fat. But reading through the article and actually watching the show, I find it hard to believe the claim.

According to a FremantleMedia statement, Kauffman and five other friends were among the first to arrive for the show and were told that there were "six great seats" available, three in one row and three in another.

Okay…

The group agreed to split up and Kauffman "did not sit alone or in the back of the house" as she alleged, FremantleMedia said. "In fact, she and her remaining party were seated just four rows behind their friends, directly in camera shot, in some of the best seats in the house."

Kauffman was in a row that included a VIP guest of judge Steven Tyler, Westphal said. They were a few rows behind the judge's table in a spot that has been featured on camera before, he said.

What does a witness say?

Hannah Solarzano, 19, said Tuesday that she was part of Kauffman's group, which traveled from suburban Riverside to Los Angeles for the show but hadn't met her before that night. Solarzano said she was seated next to Kauffman and didn't hear any insults being directed at her.

"Nobody started talking about the comment that was supposedly made to Ashley until she brought it up," Solarzano said. "I never heard those words except from her."

While she couldn't support her account, Solarzano said, it obviously stings to be labeled as overweight.

"You don't call a girl `fat,' ever. It's code," Solarzano said. "I understand how upsetting that can be. But, c'mon, honey, it's `American Idol.' You've got to move on from there. Big deal."

Exactly. Move on.

But, like most reality shows, the "Idol" audience and contestants generally have reflected American diversity, including when it comes to size.

An examination of a recording of the episode attended by Kauffman showed that it opened with a sweeping camera shot that included a cross-section of audience members, including some who could be characterized as plus-size.

So while the headline of the story is attention-grabbing, the article itself appears to debunk the claim.

If you're fat, do something about it other than being overly sensitive. Your life will be better if you get fit. I'm not talking about being ten pounds overweight (which can acually look good, depending). I'm talking about really being fat. Lose the weight, and things will be better.

He Must Like Chaos

I would have loved to have heard this guy call in to Dr. Laura. DEVOTED IN BLOOMINGTON, MINN. wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm in love with a woman named "Camille" who has three children from three different fathers.

What exactly is the appeal? If you’re looking for a wife, this isn’t the right woman. If you’re primarily looking for sex, this isn’t the right woman. If you’re looking to pay to raise the children of other men, go right ahead.

She has never been married.

Well, at least she didn’t contribute to the high divorce rate.

She also has a male "friend" whom she has her children calling "Daddy" even though he's not.

How many more red flags do you need?!?

I have loved Camille for 20 years, and our paths recently crossed again.

Ah, you’re delusional and a masochist. The picture is getting more clear now.

When I first meet her, she had only one child.

That was one too many. She should have stopped with one and raised that child, not dealt with a revolving door of desperate men who should have found some other warm place to put it.

Camille says she loves me and wants us to be married, but I'm having a hard time accepting that all of these children's fathers will be part of our life -- as well as the "friend."

Well then I guess it isn't going to happen, is it? You haven't mentioned if you've ever been married or have any kids.

Can a psychologist help me get past this?

This is beyond psychologist level. Try a psychiatrist (you know, with an "M.D." after their name). Or maybe you need a really good hooker. Better yet, consult an exorcist.

Even Dear Abby responded:

I don't know. But before you take this relationship further, you should definitely see one.

Sheesh. Guys like that are the suckers that keep knocking up these never-married mothers. Those poor kids.

An Unmarried Man – Oh, the Horror!

I recognize that the personal dynamic between a mother and son is a little different than the overall cultural attitude towards unmarried men in general. But the former got me started on the latter in what I wrote below. PROTECTIVE MOM IN OHIO wrote in to Dear Abby:

My son "Marshall" is 36. He's handsome, has a great job, is a wonderful son and would be a tremendous "catch." The problem is Marshall has no interest in marriage or even dating.

That he has no interest in marriage isn't abnormal or a problem. As far as dating – he isn't dating that you know about. He could be a Category 2. He could be a Category 4, and you would never know that he's doing women in their apartments and retiring home for a good night's sleep.

He was in a relationship six or seven years ago that ended badly.

Most "romantic" relationships do. Very few end with dignity, civility, and both people feeling great about the situation. Very few lead to a lasting, happy marriage.

Since then, he has decided he doesn't want any woman getting close to him. He hasn't been on a date since.

He must be saving time and money like crazy! Again, a man doesn't need to go on a date to "get close" to a woman. It's called "booty call". He could also have close platonic female friends, especially since he doesn't have a girlfriend or wife who would demand an end to such a "threat".

Marshall spends his time hunting, fishing and playing/watching sports with his single and divorced friends.

Sounds like a great life. Good for him! I'm a married father, and generally happy about that. But have almost no time to enjoy my lifelong hobbies and I get to spend even less time with my friends. (I tend to blog when I have to wait for something and I'm not around my family.)

It doesn't help that the divorced friends tell him he's doing the right thing by staying single, and how they wish they had done the same thing.

They are speaking from their experiences. Don’t like it? Talk to your "sisters" about how they treat men.

Every time I raise the subject, he tells me he's happy with his life and doesn't want to change.

So what's the problem? Would you rather he be married and miserable? Is he your only child? Become foster parents if you really are so intent on being grandparents.

How do I get through to him? My husband says we should let him do what he wants because it's his life.

How do you treat your husband? Are you as annoying to him as you are to your adult son? Perhaps your son doesn't like the marriage model that was provided for him. That thought would hurt, wouldn't it?

But I have trouble accepting that my son wants to stay single the rest of his life.

Then go blow money on a therapist. Maybe your son gay; gay in the homosexual sense, or gay in the classic sense in that he likes his life the way it is and sees no reason to sacrifice, compromise, and legally obligate himself to someone else. He could even be one of those rare people who are asexual in the sense of not having a sex drive.

Dear Abby responded:

You come from a generation in which marriage was the norm. However, in the decades since you were married there has been a slow (but steady) erosion in the percentage of Americans who think marriage is important.

Actually, the overwhelming number of people do get married.

So trust him, love him, and don't push him. Marriage, when it's a good one, is wonderful. But it is no longer a must, and more and more people are concluding it isn't for everyone.

True.

I can understand parents wanting their children to marry and give them grandchildren. And situations like this one prompt people who have been married for fifty years to pipe up and talk about how important and great it is. But things have changed a lot in the last fifty years, in the law, in the courts, and in the social scene. Fewer women are willing to be good wives or even have a clue how to be a good wife. Fewer women are willing to raise their own kids, or would respect a husband who stayed home to do so. Even "liberated" career women want to marry a man who earns more than they do; the majority marry men who do.

Then there are the social commentators and others who are in a kind of panic that there are actually men out there who are happy being unmarried. They assert that all of these men are 1) immature; 2) not really happy; 3) neglecting their obligations, and 4) a threat. You see, as long as there is some unmarried woman out there who claims she wants a husband, then it is supposedly some sort of sin that men haven't lined up to legally obligate themselves to her. And unmarried men are a threat because they might have sex with your daughter, your sister, your mother, or your wife! (As if married men never do such things.) They're a threat because they might give miserable married men an example of a life to dream about. And perhaps my favorite is the notion that unmarried men will go out and commit crime because they're unmarried. Everyone knows about the high crime rates around monasteries.

I, on the other hand, being a happily married man, maintain that a man can be unmarried, childless, and still be a responsible, mature man and good citizen. It is of no concern to me if a man is unmarried and childless as long as he's: not committing serious crimes; isn't behaving in a way that puts other, unconsenting people at risk; isn't getting handouts from the government. A man who takes care of his responsibilities is mature.

And let's not ignore the blindingly obvious fact that there are many immature, irresponsible guys who are or have been married and spawned children. It isn't immaturity in men that is causing the bulk of the marriage delay or marriage strike. Rather, immature men are more likely to go ahead and marry the wrong woman or before they are ready to be husbands because they aren't mature enough to avoid making those mistakes when pressured to, or because they are immature and want a maid and cook. If more men were mature, the marriage rates would actually drop more, because more men would hold out for one of the increasingly rare women who are quality wife-and-mother material.

Never-married, childless men who don't have a girlfriend are viewed with suspicion by so many people, including in church, in the workplace, and in politics. But they may actually be the person in the room who is the most responsible and mature.

Dagum It! Mangum It!

Look who is back in the news! Yes, it is Crystal Mangum, the woman I previously wrote about here. She's still auditioning for a show on E!, apparently.

Authorities say former Duke Lacrosse accuser Crystal Mangum was arrested overnight Sunday for allegedly stabbing her boyfriend in the chest.

Authorities say around 3 a.m., officers responded to a stabbing at a home in the 3000 block of Century Oaks Drive.

When police arrived, they found a 46-year-old man stabbed in the chest.

The man suffered serious injuries and was taken to Duke University Hospital for treatment.

Three in the morning. You'd think a 46-year-old man would know better than to be with this woman. Apparently not.

Investigators say the victim is Mangum's boyfriend and say they believe the stabbing occurred during an argument at the apartment the couple shared.

Shacking up!

A man who claims he's the victim's cousin says Mangum and the victim had a brief relationship.

Not brief enough to keep them from shacking up. This is how brief the relationship should've been:

Guy: "Crystal's a pretty name. What's your last name?”
Mangum: "Mangum"
Guy: [Googles "Crystal Mangum" on his phone.] [Pause] [Starts to run.] "See ya!"

"I mean he was excited," said the man. "He was like, 'man, guess who I'm dating now.' He was excited, but I told him 'man, you know her background, be careful, you know what I mean.'"

She has minor kids. She was charged with attempted murder. She lamely accused the Duke Lacrosse players of rape. She was a stripper. Anyone one of those alone should have been a big enough red flag, but this guy thought it would be exciting to shack up with her. If you need that kind of excitement, how about jumping out of an airplane without checking your parachute first?

Mangum, 32, was later arrested at a nearby apartment and charged with assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill inflicting serious injury.

Nearby apartment? Was she moving on to the next in line?

After the debacle of her allegations against the Duke players:

Mangum went into hiding, then graduated from NCCU in 2008 with a degree in police psychology.

Has NCCU invited her back to speak?

Later that year she released a memoir, "The Last Dance for Grace: The Crystal Mangum Story".

Then last year, Mangum was arrested and charged with attempted murder, arson and child abuse after a domestic dispute with her ex-boyfriend - a different man than the person involved in the incident Sunday.

In December, the jury found Mangum guilty of child abuse, but they couldn't agree on a first-degree felony arson charge, which could have landed Mangum in jail for seven years.

Can we pair her with Charlie Sheen?

Some of these comments below are good.

"benis.magee" 4/3/11 10:10 PM EDT:

I feel sorry for her kids and all of their fathers.

Those poor kids. I pray someone with decent parental skills and a stable home gets custody. Shame on the guys who have knocked this woman up.

"Simplemind2" 4/4/11 6:55 AM EDT

I guess Ms. Crystal Mangum's "Last Dance for Grace" is not that graceful after all.

"coffeecan" 4/4/11 10:24 AM EDT:

Thank God that the parents of the lacrosse players had backbones and money to fight the false charges.

I'll write it again... false rape allegations made things harder for actual rape victims.

UPDATE: The apparent victim has died.