Thursday, September 30, 2010

Same-Sex Attraction Should Halt Wedding Planning

Hey ladies, how would you like to marry this guy? SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

After many months of dating a wonderful woman, "Amy," we have set a date for our wedding.
How many months exactly?

However, there's a problem. As the date draws closer, Amy is concerned about my lack of physical intimacy with her.
Why is there a lack of "intimacy"? Do you have more moral limitations on sex outside of marriage than she does? That can be a serious issue.

While I am very attracted to her, I am having some doubts. I recently noticed a young man at my health club and experienced some unfamiliar feelings. I don't think I am gay, but I am no longer sure that Amy is what I have been looking for.
If you're not reasonably sure, you shouldn't get married.

How old are you? The answer may determine if you're homosexual or bisexual. If you're younger, maybe you're not fully aware of your sexuality?

Should I push these feelings aside and continue our plans for the wedding?
You can push the feelings aside and still call off the wedding.

Or should I tell Amy the truth about these feelings?
You should tell her you shouldn't get married, which is the truth, regardless of whether these feelings are a fluke or something you've simply ignored until now.

I personally know people who had parents who left the marriage and family to take up with someone the same sex. This is seen by our culture as more acceptable that leaving for someone of the opposite sex, but to the kids and spouse it is all unacceptable. One should not make a vow or a commitment with their fingers crossed behind their back. Do not get married and make babies unless you have certainty. And if you did make those vows and made babies and later realized it was a mistake because you are more attracted to the same-sex, and you did stick it out until your children were grown, then you are a honorable person who deserves major kudos for putting your commitments ahead of your desires.

Ladies, if you were his intended, what would you prefer he say and do?


  1. Having just recently been divorced from a man who after 11 years of marriage and three kids announced to me he was gay...I would say DO NOT GET MARRIED.

    I had the same concerns before we got married. He was unlike any other guy I dated because he was not very physical with me. Most guys I had to push off me. When I would question him about not being physical he would tell me he did not want to "loose control." We both belong to a religion who encourages couples to refrain from sex until marriage, so I thought he was being respectful.

    AFter we go married, I thought I sex life was normal, but never had had sex before I didn't have anything to compare it to, and sex and intimacy is not a topic I discuss with friends. As the years worn on he was NOT interested in me. Any sex we had was mercy sex on his part, which of course made me feel soo good about myself. I assumed it was becasue I had put on about 30 pounds after 3 kids.

    When he finally told me of course it made sense. I was willing to stay in the marriage, because I still loved him, and I wanted our kids to be raised by two parents. It lasted about 6 months. He initially wanted to stay but he had emotionally and physically "checked" out. He would come home from work and get on his computer and talk to his gay friends all night and not have any interaction with us and the kids. It became clear we were an obligation, so I released him from his "obligation"

    He is now yacking it up in his new life style and has become a visitor in our children's lives. Its very sad and hard. I feel so badly for my children, this was never the life I wanted them to have.

    I hope that someday I can meet a great guy who will love both me and my kids. I will say this, for divorced men who had a sexless marriage, go find yourself a women who was married to a gay man. Those women appreciate, and enjoy sex, and would like nothing more than a partner who will worship their body!

    FYI: LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your blog!

  2. I'm so sorry you went through that. I will have to read through your blog.

    I do believe saving sex for marriage is ideal and Scriptural, but there's always the danger of going through something like you did. I don't wish that on anyone. It is "easy" to marry as a virgin if you're not interested in sex, or you are closeted.

    Thank you so much for your kind words about the blog. And thanks for reading and commenting. What do you like the most about the blog? I need feedback so I can be sure to focus on the worthwhile stuff. If you don't want my to publish your answer, I won't.Or, you can e-mail it to emgken[at]yahoo[dot]com - Thanks!


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