Monday, April 12, 2010

Prom Time Again

It’s that time of the year again. Prom. I've written about it before. ENCOURAGING MOM wrote in to Dear Abby:

My son "Matt" is a junior in high school. He says he's not attending the junior/senior prom this year because he doesn't have anyone special to go with.
Maybe he just doesn't want to go. In American culture of the Anglo subset, dancing is not really something straight guys are into. On the other hand, if Matt isn't straight, maybe he just doesn't want to deal with either going with a girl or trying to take another boy.

I tried to explain that his date doesn't have to be a "girlfriend," that she can just be a friend.
Look, lady, most boys these days only going to the prom hoping it will lead to some action. Why does he want to be responsible (including financially) for a girl he isn't even going to kiss?

I told him he could also go with a bunch of guys who don't have dates.
Or, those guys could go do something they really want to do.

I know later on in life Matt will regret not having gone to the prom, and I'm sad about his decision.
Not necessarily. It's not the same for guys. Hey, as great of a filmmaker as he was, life isn't a John Hughes film. High school isn't the end-all be-all of life for most people, and the prom isn't all it is cracked up to be, especially by magazines that are trying to sell stuff to teen girls.

Should I make him go even though he doesn't want to, hoping he has a good time when he gets there? Or should I drop the issue and respect his wishes even if he's making a mistake?
Drop it.

Matt is 17 and not particularly social, and I think that's why he doesn't want to go.
Events like the prom can be depressing for someone who is "not particularly social". Most likely, he'll sit around with some classmates and listen to their conversations while he sees girls for whom he's had crushes dancing with their dates. Or, if he's really "lucky", he'll get maimed by a drunk classmate or get himself into a situation where he's accused of sexual assault.

Dear Abby responded:

There is a fine line that separates an encouraging mom from a mom who is overbearing. Your son is only a junior, and will have a chance next year to change his mind and attend the prom as a senior.
Good point.

Frankly, I have never had a man write me or tell me that looking back on his high school years he regretted missing a dance.
And you know she'll print them if they come in, now. I actually am glad I went to my prom my junior year, because I went with an older girl who was a friend of the family. Nothing happened (nothing much happened in my love life until a few years later), but since she got sick and passed away many years later, in her early 30s, it was nice to have had that time with her. I wouldn't feel the same way if she was still alive. My senior year – eh. I could have done without that. Then again, I was no drinker and my high school days were during the AIDS scare and before the modern hookup culture got underway.

Yet again, I saw no mention of a father in the letter. Is there a pattern here?

Check out my previous entries about the prom.

4 comments:

  1. I'm glad I grew up in England, where we don't have this prom crap. I just walked out of my secondary school on the last day (and shook the dust off my shoes as I left). The less I remember of that institution the better. Everything in this country seems to be geared towards making someone a quick buck. My daughter is in high school and there are proms to pay for, class rings, graduations. One of these days Americans may wake up and realize they're being taken for a ride, but I'm not holding my breath.

    By the way, I'm into 'honour your father and mother', but frankly he should tell mom where to stick it.

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  2. Peter, thanks for your comments. You gave me a chuckle with that last line.

    Movies and television portray high school with mythic qualities, probably because it is one of the few things that almost everyone who comes of age in the USA has in common, and so it is familiar to almost all of the audience. We go to different churches or don't go at all, we have different political affiliations or none at all, we play different sports or none at all... but almost all of us have been to high school, and for almost all of us, it was a time when our thinking may have jumped from "the future is wide open" to "life stinks" and back again, over and over.

    But when you think about it, if someone's best years were their high school years (roughly ages 14-18), then to what do they have to look forward to the rest of their lives? How many of the kids who were popular then have great lives ten, twenty years down the line? On the flip side, a lot of the introverted nerds have gone on to significant and lucrative careers.

    The commercialism is definitely there. Proms, birthday parties, graduation parties (even commencement parties for younger kids) are getting so lavish. If my parents had offered to spend that kind of money, I would have, even at that age, asked them if they could instead let me invest the sum.

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  3. Ken - you're a wise guy, and a wiseguy :)

    I never even wanted to go to my silly old prom and I'm a FEMALE.

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  4. curiepoint11:20 PM

    By my reckoning, the phrase "going to the prom" for a guy is roughly the same as "learn to be a suck-up to frivolous traditions and blow serious coin for the benefit of some girl".

    I never saw the big deal about it. I went to both of mine, but mostly it was because my friends were going, and I didn't feel like sitting in front of the TV for the night.

    Were they special, magical romantic evenings? No more so than any other school function. Frankly, I would rather have gone bowling.

    My mom pulled that "You'll regret not going later on in life" when I was seriously considering not going. Like Dear Abby said, I don't know a single guy who lists missing the prom as one of the big, soul-crushing disappointments of his life. There's plenty of other crap that can happen to you over the years. Having gone to the prom doesn't do a single thing to sweeten those bitter moments in life.

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