Thursday, February 26, 2009

Don't Be an Ice Queen

From a recent Dear Abby column, here is another example of why some men don't want to get married – and my suggestions about not being like the letter-writer.


My husband, "Warren," and I are happily married.
Does he tell you that? Or are you just assuming he is happy in the marriage? Even if he says it, it could be just a stop-gap for him, which he shouldn't do.

We love each other.

We are both hardworking career professionals and have raised our family.
So the kids are out and you're both working. Are you both working a lot? How much time to you get with each other?

We have always been faithful to each other.
You're assuming or believing, in his case. And it could very well be true.

Warren is very open with his emotions and often tells me how much he loves me.
Sounds good. That's what many women say they want.

He is also very passionate during our intimate moments.

The problem is, he expects me to act the same way -- which I can't.
You can't? Why not? I'm sure he'd like you to feel passionate, but he will have to settle for act. At least until you get into it.

Although I love my husband and always will, I do not feel comfortable expressing myself the way he does during our lovemaking.
Huh? How long have you been married? If you can't express yourself passionately with your husband or for your husband, then what does that say about your ability to fully enjoy your marriage?

I am content to just "get it over with" while he yearns for the kissing, hugging and talk.
Ahhhh - you mean he likes foreplay and cuddling - which many women wish their partner would do more - and you want to treat lovemaking like a chore?

Despite an active sex life with Warren, he has told me many times he wishes I were more expressive and open with my feelings.
He is TELLING you explicitly what he wants. You don't want to make him happy? You don't want him to keep being open with you about what he wants?

I respond by telling him, "I am who I am." He is not happy that I refuse to change.
Why did you get married? Normally, I say people should not expect their spouse to change for the better – they are marrying them as-is – and thus if there is something you do or do not do that is a problem for him, he shouldn't (or shouldn't have) marry(ied) you in the first place. But when it comes to lovemaking issues, if couples adhere to Biblical/traditional morals of saving sex for marriage, I don't see how they can know everything they are getting – or not – before they marry. Therefore, spouses are obligated to try to accommodate each other in this area, with "ties" broken towards "more" or "yes" (as long as it isn't illegal, immoral, or harmful – or unless we're talking conceiving more children when one spouse is reluctant).

Warren is a wonderful man.
So reward him!

Dear Abby responded:

I think it's time you considered the fact that by "refusing" to change, you have limited some interesting and rewarding possibilities in your marriage. One important aspect of "performance" is receiving feedback, as anyone in the arts can attest. Lovemaking is an art, and partners need to know when they, too, are doing something right.
She is so right.

I wish you would have this discussion with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues.
Preferably one that doesn't try to convince you that your husband is wrong for wanting this and telling you he wants it.

It isn't just about him. She can be better in this regard, and he will be more satisfied, and since, as she points out, he is a good guy, he is very likely to make her life even better as a result.

While men have a wide spectrum of specific and nuanced likes, dislikes, turn-ons, and turn-offs, there are a few things that generally apply to most healthy men. For example, heterosexual men like the female body. We enjoy seeing the female body. We enjoy touching the female body, and feeling the female body. This is especially true if that body belongs to our wife. Morally upstanding men try to concentrate on her body to the exclusion of other female bodies, and least in this sense.

Most of us do not need expensive gifts. We don't need constant doting. You don't have to wine and dine us, or cater to mood swings. You can satisfy most of our desires by having fun with us in marital lovemaking.

Here are some things that most men like. It is especially hot if you enjoy doing them in their own right, independent of the fact that we like it. If you don't, don’t let on to that. Act like you do.

Enthusiasm, Passion – It is okay to be "submissive" and let him take the lead (though, if he doesn't object, try initiating and leading some times), but that doesn't have to mean doing an impersonation of a coma patient. We like it when you show enthusiasm. Move. React. Smile.

Aural Sex – Lovemaking isn't just about pressure/friction or touch in general. All of the senses are involved in creating the overall experience, and none should be ignored. Vocalize your desires, your encouragement, your constructive suggestions, your needs. Tell him what you want him to do. Tell him you want him. Use his name or your special nickname for him (unless is is "Shorty" or "Quick Shot" or "Limpy", or something similar). I'm not talking about self-degradation - calling yourself a slut, whore, or whatever... that kind of thing actually turns me off, though I can't speak for your man. Cooing, panting, gasping, moaning, screaming... any or all of those are good. Affirmation and encouragements are helpful. Sure, this can be tough with the kids in the house. There are times you are just going to have to be as quiet as possible – but not always.

Teasing and Flirting – Be playful about your lovemaking and your love for him, both in and outside of the bedroom.

Show the Bod – No, you aren't perfect and flawless, and you may have seen better days. Even so, your body is one of, if not the, most beautiful sights he ever gets to see, subsequent only to (if anything) his offspring or the name of his favorite sports team in the same headline with the phrase "World Champs". So don't always be hiding under the covers in sweats and in the dark. It is okay that your body isn't perfect. Really. And you can make it even better when you do a playful reveal (like a strip tease).

Move the Bod – I'm not just talking moving with him, but also as you approach him or try to get him to approach you. You know - the hip sway, the hand drift, the head tilt, the "come hither" or "hey, look at these!" gestures... your feminine wiles.

Use the Bod – Your lips can touch him in more places than just his lips. There are many ways your body can bring pleasurable sensations to his organ. You're getting the idea.

Oral Sex - I wrote a lot about this here, at least as far as wife-on-husband. In the case of husband-on-wife, don't be crazy enough to discourage him. You may be afraid that you look funny or smell or taste bad at that moment, but if he's going there it is because he wants to. Enjoy it! Tell him how to make it better! (If you are worried, try to wash up before.)

He Made It, and it Isn't a Waste Product - In addition to what I wrote about how oral sex can be finished... in general, wherever it is going to go, treat the product of his loins like it is liquid gold and its "emergence" as an event (because it is for him). Watch it emerge and positively indicate that you are seeing it, or let it land somewhere on you (even just your hand) and act like that's a good thing, instead of like someone just shot your dog. Extra points for playing with it, like licking it off of your finger.

You may feel silly about doing these things, but that will change when you get into it and get just a tad of experience doing them. There really is no need to feel silly – it is just the two of you and God, and God invented sex. He's seen it all. Between people who look much more funny than you. You can always tone certain things back down if you go over-the-top. Your husband isn't going to fault you for trying too hard. If you've been married for a long time, you can explain your newfound "love" for whatever you add to the mix or what he'll think are your changing (improving) tastes by citing newly deepened or renewed feelings for him. Or hormones. That will be a good enough explanation for him. Doing these things will likely make him deliriously happy.

C'mon, ladies. We're talking lovemaking here, not scrubbing bathroom tile.

Oh, and if your husband is a good man, then he wants to know what HE can do to make you deliriously happy, too. So tell him! Women vary a lot more in this area than men do, so it is harder for him to get good tips off of a blog.

Did I just write a Cosmo article?


  1. You totally wrote ANOTHER Cosmo article.

    But I, if no one else, appreciate it. My husband, like a lot of normal guys, doesn't talk so much, and probably I don't listen as well as I should when he does.

    Thanks for laying it out there so honestly, openly, bluntly. After 10 years of marriage, several of your tips will be taken into consideration/experimentation.

    I should link to this post ...

    Thanks. (blushing - so silly)

  2. Heh... it does read almost like a Cosmo article. The difference is that Cosmo is mostly a woman's interpretation of what guys have told her, or that they THINK a man wants or likes. Plus, I encourage this stuff for married couples, not for fornication.

  3. I'm glad Mrs. B linked me to your Cosmo article. While I'm personally committed to the 'process of continuous improvement' your little article reconfirms to me that my hubs is pretty darn lucky. He is VERY well cared for in this area of our lives. That is all! Blush!


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