Thursday, December 16, 2010

Basic Advice to a Newlywed Bride

A woman I met through work and befriended recently got married. We don't work together anymore, and I don’t see her in person often, so I wrote her some advice. This is, with slight editing, what I sent her.

If you picked a husband well, and from what I can tell you did, keeping your husband happy and thus your marriage together and good is simple, because men are simple creatures. Simple does not always mean easy. But at least it means "not complicated".

What wives generally need the most is love. What husbands generally need the most is respect.

Something else to keep in mind... think of you wearing pink ears and pink glasses, and him wearing blue ears and blue glasses. You literally see and hear things differently than each other. That will explain a lot of disagreements.

Turn TO each other, not ON each other. This is the family you have made.

Fourteen words that will help…

In Shape
Nice Picture
Sex Anytime
Girlfriend Talk
Guy Time
Alone Time
Strong Man

If you keep those fourteen words in mind, and the meaning behind them, you will be a magnet that keeps your hubby attached and nobody will be able to pry him away with a crowbar.

In Shape. You don't have much trouble with this one. Yeah, we all get old and that is unavoidable, and there will be seasons during which, for whatever reason, you won't be looking your best. But a reasonable effort to keep yourself in shape will mean so much to him. Men are visual creatures. We appreciate the way our woman looks. Think of all of the advertising that uses female skin to sell. Not much advertising uses male skin to sell. Why? The sight of female skin has a special effect on heterosexual men.

Nice Picture. This has more to do with how he best likes you, as far as hair style, hair length, etc. See above. In fairness, he should keep his facial hair conditions a way that you like.

Sex Anytime. Dennis Prager, who has written a lot about male sexual nature and gender relations, says that if women could feel what it is like to be a man for a day, they would wonder that any man ever stays faithful. Most women need some sort of emotional connection for sex. Men don't. Yes, it is more enjoyable with a woman we love, but we don't need to have any emotional connection whatsoever – that is how much we are physically set up to want sex. Sex is one of the basic ways we bond with our wife, learn about our wife, communicate with our wife, show love for our wife. There will be times you won't feel like it. Do it – do something – anyway. You just might get into it despite your earlier feelings. Never pass up the chance to have a good orgasm with your husband. Attitude, especially enthusiasm, are important. Also, if he's hurting, depressed, worried… just holding his head in your lap with your hands rubbing his skin can do wonders.

Girlfriend Talk. He's not one of your girlfriends. Before you start telling him about a problem, tell him if you just need a listening ear or if you want him to offer a solution. Men are wired to offer a solution, so we need to be told if you just want to vent. We will listen to you vent if that is what you need, but if you are going to vent over and over about the same problem that you're not going to/can't do anything about, and he can't do anything about it, it is better to save that for one of your girlfriends, or you will drive him crazy. Also, don't expect him to always have something to say. It doesn't mean anything is wrong.

Guy Time. Most men need time with the guys. Today, there are very few places left for guys to get together and just be guys without women they want approval from/cooperation with staring at them. If he needs guy time, let him have it without punishing him for it. It doesn't mean he doesn’t enjoy being with you.

Alone Time. Some guys need it. See above.

Strong Man. Yes, you're able to take care of yourself. But men have a need to be admired and needed. We want to be our wife's protector and hero. So let him do some things, like opening doors, reaching high places, opening jars, etc. It may sound silly, but it will make him feel so good if you say things like, "Honey, I need a big, strong man to carry this for me." Let him do certain things for you. In turn, you can do certain things for him that he could do for himself, like fix him a sandwhich when he's doing some chores.

That's the most basic advice I can give for having a happy husband.

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