A Very Tiny Pool

"Refuse to date men use porn!" was tweeted out by one my favorite antiporn accounts.

First things first: Of course people can and should set any standards or requirements they think are best when it comes to who they'll date.

Two very important words in the tweet were "use" and "porn". What exactly are we talking about here? Is a guy who stares at artistic nudes once or twice per month or enjoys the annual Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue just as out-of-the-question as a guy who is viewing hardcore videos 2-3 times per week? If so, there's going to be almost no man who passes this test. And "use" implies it is ongoing. Given how much we are told  by antiporn activists that porn damages the brain, shouldn't men who used porn be out of consideration, too?

For most men who view porn, it's a masturbatory shortcut. It gives them visual and auditory stimulation that will help them to quickly reach orgasm and then go about their day, or fall asleep, or whatever. Some guys treat it as a hobby, some guys take glances when they're not masturbating just because they find it pleasant to look at.

It's normal and natural for men to like the sight of attractive nude women, especially in sexual situations. You can argue it is part of fallen nature, but it is natural none the less. So a man who doesn't is fighting his nature. The vast majority of men, whether they view porn or not, see women  around them and depictions (such as ads) of women and notice her body, and a lot of the men will wonder what she looks like nude or imagine having sex with her.

How will a woman even know if a man "uses porn"?

1) She snoops. And it's just as well if a woman who has just started dating a guy or is considering dating a guy starts snooping through his phone/tablet/laptop/desktop that she refuse to (continue to) date him. He's better off.

2) She catches him. He'd be a very careless fellow to view porn when and where a new (potential) date would see.

3) He tells her, either proactively or in response to questioning.

A guy who "uses porn" really is better off if a woman like this refuses to date him. If she thinks it is that much of a problem, they aren't a match. She'd probably be the type who'd  remove locks to the doors to her 13-year-old son's bedroom and bathroom in an attempt to make sure he doesn't masturbate. The way a lot of men see it, they are happy to scare off women who they see as hysterical, prudish harpies.

Asking a new dating prospect if he uses porn isn't the right question to ask. It would be better to have an inclusive discussion about purity or general matters of a person's thought life. To focus on "using porn" while ignoring things like envy, greed, and malice is ridiculous. A woman who asks a man if he uses porn should be prepared to answer if she's ever made herself vomit because she felt she ate too much, if she's ever wished harm on someone, if she's ever bought anything that she didn't absolutely need as a treat to herself when she really didn't have the money (accumulating credit card debt is not having the money!) She should also be prepared to answer whether or not she uses a vibrator or dildo or any other masturbatory aid.

One problem with "Refuse to date men use porn!" is that a woman who sticks to that and relies on it can still end up with a man who 1) uses porn but lies about it; 2) leers or engages in voyeurism instead; 3) constructs all sorts of kinky fantasies in his mind; 4) hooks up or has a secret "buddy" or friend-with-benefits; 5) isn't interested in sex, at least not with grown women; 6) is so uptight or dysfunctional he will drive her crazy.

Most men who use porn do it as a mitigation for a lack of sex at the moment. If a woman doesn't want to risk marrying a guy only to find out that he won't stop using porn when he's having sex with her regularly or because she thinks he might use porn as mitigation when she's not available, then no, she shouldn't marry a guy who uses porn. After all, marriage is entirely voluntary and she doesn't have to marry anyone ever. Better to avoid that risk!

And keep in mind that even if a man didn't use porn before, there is always the possibility he might start after marrying. So, add this as another reason people simply shouldn't marry. I mean, no matter how "pure" a man has been, no matter what censor/babysitting software you use, there's always the possibility that while he's out of sight, he'll somehow sneak a peek. Why take that risk? Avoid marriage and avoid even dating. Better to be single for life than risk being with a man who enjoys seeing pixels depicting nude women, especially nude women in sexual situations.

Meanwhile, men might want to "Refuse to date women who watch television, romantic comedies, read romance novels, indulge in princess fantasies, and have bridal magazines!"