Sunday, October 09, 2011

Opening a Can of Worms?

Things have been good since the trip. My wife even said something that, in the past, would have gotten me riled up and perhaps yelling in response, but I handled it well.

But after that, she told me that she's going to have a marriage therapy appointment, and wants me to go. She told me this too late to cancel, so even if I could convince her it would be a waste, we'd still be out the money. Her sister (the one who I got into the fight with) and brother-in-law are going to babysit. We'd be better off using the time to go on a date.

I had made it clear to the party matching us, and I know my wife knew this before we dated, that I wanted someone who was healthy, not someone who was always treating an illness, real or imagined. When I met my wife, she was working full time, on her feet, with kids. On our first date, we talked about career and having a parent at home. I was open to being the one staying home. She said she wanted to be the one to stay home. She always wanted to be a hands-on Mom. She grew up with younger siblings. I took all of this to mean that she would be able to handle being the parent at home, and I was willing to be the sole income earner in exchange for having someone taking care of the kids.

But it hasn't worked out that way.

I can't bring this up in counseling, because she would take it as a personal attack on her due to her disability (again, I could not have known before we had kids how it was going to impact her ability to care for them). There would be no going back from that. And what would be the point? I'd never leave now. I made vows, we have the kids. She'd be badly hurt emotionally, and I'd rather not have to deal with that, in addition to not wanting to hurt her. She can't change. Well, she could change her thinking, if not her body, but she won't.

So I won't be able to be fully open and honest in counseling, at least not in front of her. So it is going to be waste.

And will she like the results? She's said repeatedly she loves her life and it is the way she's always wanted. Well, it is going to have to change a lot for me to get the things I'll need in order for me to get my yelling under further control.

This could get really, really bad.

More time and money spent that we don't have free to spend. That means more stress on me, even if the counseling itself is neutral. And what if it isn't? What if it does more harm than good?

4 comments:

  1. Things are almost never as bad as you worry they will be. Marriage is frikken hard. Both parties have to be working towards keeping it together the whole time and it never seems to get easier. Maybe she has a disability and maybe you yell. Things could be so much worse. Best of luck always. We married ones have to stay strong. I feel every divorce I hear about chips away at my marriage more than any gay marriage ever would. Lovelovelove :)

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  2. The purpose of counseling is for people to be totally honest. I understand and commend your lack of willingness to hurt your wife, but in the long run, isn't not being completely honest about all your feelings also hurting her? She obviously feels very strongly about counseling and for it to have any chance at all, both parties have to be open. You don't have to be brutal, but I do think you need to vent. I have heard you write about this before, clearly it is something to bothers you and whether you realize it or not, you could be feeling slightly resentful about. You also clearly aren't getting everything that you need in this relationship to make you truly happy. In all honesty sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. Think about it and I wish you and your wife the best of luck!

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  3. Anonymous6:50 AM

    Keep in mind that any councellor you go to at her insistance is going to pick up on that and start with her issues first. It will likely take the form of you going at her insistence so that you can work on your issue that shes having a problem with. The yelling. I doubt you even be asked about what irks you, all things considered.

    If you want to deal with your personal issues in the marriage, suggest to the marriage coucellor that you would like a private session without your wife there so that that s/he can get an understanding of your side of things, particularly if you are unwilling to bring them up in front of your wife.

    And if you havent been there, check out the Talk about marriage board forums. LOTS of helpful information on maintaining relationships and marriage. Its an Anonymous board as well, but it will give you a lot better feedback than the empty room effect you get from a blog.

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  4. Anonymous11:08 AM

    Hopefully the "counselling" works for you. Quite a few of them are feminists. Sounds like your wife's sister put her up to this. Some women will always take the woman's side even if she is wrong. Your sil appears to be jealous of her sister and is trying to stir the pot.

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