Two Calls in the Same Hour of Dr. Laura

I found the proximity of these two calls especially interesting. To be clear, they might not have actually been handled mere minutes apart, as the presentation of the program would imply, because 1) Dr. Laura does take some calls off-air, to be recorded for use in the program, and 2) previously aired calls are rerun. And both of these things happen unannounced, letting listeners believe this is all happening live.

May 13, 2025, Hour 2.

“Diane” called, age 70, married 37 years. We’re never told how old her husband is; we’re left to assume he’s about the same age.

In the last year, her husband has said he “doesn’t like” their sex life, it’s “too traditional”, and he’s “much more kinky”, wants “more exciting sex” and wants a girlfriend on the outside of their marriage.

Diane suggested she could do “some of” the things he wants to do, but since he knows she isn’t into it, he doesn’t want it with her. He doesn’t think it’s natural for her.

“He wants acknowledgment from another woman.”

Dr. Laura asked Diane if she’s willing to stay married to someone who’ll have sex outside of the marriage.

Diane was unsure, but of course Dr. Laura pushed for a decision. She does this even though it would be easy to give Diane both advice for staying as well as advice for if she is going to leave.

Dr Laura said that, if all this time of being married, they hadn’t done anything kinky, then it would be out of his nature, too.

Huh??? That’s dung. He could have very well struggled to contain his desires and feelings for 37-plus years. Dr. Laura knows that! But she just wants to beat up on the guy.

Dr. Laura goes on to say he’s at a point in his life he just wants to go out to play, and this is why men go to a prostitute or watch porn; so they don’t have to satisfy a woman.

Where did she get that? There was no indication from the call the caller isn’t satisfied, that her husband doesn’t want to satisfy her, and that he won’t want to satisfy any other woman he’s with. But Dr. Laura repeated it. She hasn’t talked with the husband at all and yet she made this assertion. The husband even said he wanted someone who was into it, so at least his claim is that he cares about the woman’s enjoyment.

Diane said her husband wants S & M.

She also said he’s been a good husband.

Dr. Laura, who has deemed many men who’ve done all sorts of things “good husbands” overall, said “Good husbands are not defined by the behaviors you just described to me.” First, no, Diane was referring to other behaviors. If she had tried describing all of those good husband behaviors at the start of the call or at any other time, Dr. Laura would have stopped her, perhaps with the uberannoying “WOO HOO!!! WOO HOO!! Diane’s husband has treated her well for decades, apparently. Two, talking about his desires isn’t being a good husband? No, if you maintain he’s just supposed to never talk with his wife about his desires. But isn’t it better he talked about his true feelings with his wife instead of simply sneaking out to cheat, hiding it from her?

Diane said she is “torn” because otherwise she loves the marriage. Kudos for Dr. Laura for not going on a long side rant about the word “torn.” I guess she was too focused on badmouthing Diane’s husband.

“Why do you want to stay with a guy who doesn’t want to sexually fulfill you and make love, he wants sicko sex?” Who said he doesn’t want to fulfill her? This is a contrarian assertion by Dr. Laura.

Diane said he says he wants to make love with her and have crazy sex otherwise.

In an attempt to distract the listeners from the fact she’d been messing up, Dr . Laura pivoted to saying she feels sorry for the caller for even debating it. That’s something Dr. Laura does when she’s losing - pivots to disapproval and shaming. She’s the great Dr. Laura, so her feeling differently from the caller is supposed to either change the caller’s position or make the caller feel lowly.

Dr. Laura called it a fact that Diane’s husband going to bring home STDs. See, since it’s “not a religious show,” it’s hard for Dr. Laura to say what exactly would be wrong with this arrangement if Diane was OK with it. Her husband could have had a vasectomy and “I’m Dr. Laura, and I don’t like it” doesn’t seem to be working, so the STD card gets played.

The problem with that is: This isn’t secret. He’s talking with his wife about it. There have been studies showing that people who are upfront about these things are LESS likely to spread STDs, because they get tested regularly and take precautions.

Then Dr. Laura mocked the idea that Diane’s husband would be able to separate out making love with her and getting kinky with someone else. What does that even mean? That he’d still try to get his wife to do S & M? I highly doubt that. Most men are very good at compartmentalization. Dr. Laura knows this! But she ditched that in an attempt to convince Diane and listeners that, somehow, it would be a problem. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn’t. The alternative is guaranteed to be a problem: he’s either going to leave or be resentful.

Dr. Laura continued by asserting the caller won’t be horny for her husband. How does Dr. Laura know? On the contrary, maybe the caller would get off on it?

When Dr. Laura said women Diane’s age want to maintain the nest, the caller elaborated on that and mentioned being alone. Dr. Laura said “you’re never alone” because of friends, family, activities, etc. Um, what does she tell people who don’t want to marry? “You’ll be alone.” 

Case in point, she went on to say that the husband’s other lovers won’t care to be there when he’s dying (right after calling him a “sh!t” and “creepy.”) Yet again, Dr. Laura doesn’t know that. It happens more often than she’d ever want to admit: a lover who isn’t their spouse and never was a spouse being there as a husband is dying. I can think of someone I knew in such a situation, off the top of my head. I know Dr. Laura, instead of admitting she is asserting something that might not be true, would pivot to calling that strange or disrespectful. And who’s to say his wife will be there when he’s dying? She might die before or she might have divorced him for reasons unrelated to his desires.

Dr. Laura asks if she knew he was into S & M while dating. Diane said she knew he was into “kinky stuff like threesomes.”

Dr. Laura likened it to knowingly marrying a serial killer. I mean really. A guy wanting some sexual adventure has her thinking about murder. Oooookaaay.

Dr. Laura went on with her often-repeated “this is why I do this on radio, so that other women will be warned.” Right, that’s it. Not at all that it pays much more and if she’s in a room with a client/patient she can’t mute them, put them on hold, or hang up on them.

For sure, ladies, don’t marry a man who’d ever want a threesome, or sex with another woman, or an open marriage, or swinging, or BDSM, or whatever. (Spoiler: Almost all men who don’t have a low libido want at least one thing you’d find a turnoff or unacceptable, and even if he genuinely doesn’t at age 28, he might at age 48 or 68. So be sure to avoid this by never marrying.)

Society doesn’t say Diane’s husband’s desires are wrong. Some religions say they’re wrong. But again, the program “isn’t a religious program.” Most of society would say it’d be wrong for him to pursue his desires without his wife’s permission or at least making sure she is informed. Most of society would support him divorcing her to pursue his desires, or never having married.

Do with that reality what you will.

Dr. Laura has made it clear over the decades she is completely opposed to anything but monogamy in marriage. I can’t ever recall her articulating why, though, other than “you took vows to forsake all others,” which isn’t always true. However, I’m certain she has praised callers, letter writers, and others who’ve have been polyamorous, or swingers, or in an open marriage, or have done threesomes, or some other similar things: she just didn’t know the person she was praising had experience with those things, because it wasn’t the topic at hand.

*****

The other call during the same hour was from “Benjamin.”

Benjamin was married for 25 years and he and his wife were both virgins when they married.

He said their sexual relationship had been “tenuous” throughout their marriage because his libido is much more active than hers.

Dr. Laura didn’t jump in and point out that it’s normal for husbands to want sex more often than their wife, so he continued, saying three or four years ago, he said to his wife that had he known they’d be fighting back and forth about this he doesn’t know he would have entered into the relationship.

Notice that this is another example of how men are NOT supposed to be honest or share their feelings. They’re supposed to just shut up and keep being a butler and bank account.

Dr. Laura asked him about watching sex scenes in movies and whether he was doing all of the really exciting things the male characters were doing. Huh??? What does she think the characters are doing in these movies? And she knows they’re fiction, right?

Ben didn’t really say. He probably had no clue what she was talking about: romantic dinner? Passionate kisses? Sneaking out in the morning?

He said for him it was a matter of frequency and satisfaction.

Apparently based just on that, Dr. Laura said “Well that made you a crappy lover.” A good lover is primarily concerned with her satisfaction, not yours.

Uh, he didn’t say only his satisfaction. Also, what if Ben’s wife is a lesbian, or into a kink? Dr. Laura didn’t know anything relevant, unless Ben wrote a letter, in which case that should have been mentioned. Notice she didn’t tell the other caller, Diane, to be focused on her husband’s satisfaction.

Dr. Laura then went on to say the wife likely didn’t know much about her own body, even though the opposite could be true: she might have masturbated a lot before marriage to avoid having sex; she might be masturbating a lot now.

Dr. Laura went on to tell Ben that “probably you’re terrible at it and she has never gained an appreciation for it.”

Poor Ben. He has no way of knowing if he’s bad at it. For Dr. Laura to quickly assert that based on next to nothing is not OK. It’s a common tactic women use against men who say their marital sex life isn’t good. It’s been used against me. Except I know from experience that isn’t the problem. Dr. Laura KNOWS there are many wives who don’t have the same libido she apparently had (which had her doing things she now pretends never happened); many wives aren’t sexually attracted to their husbands. She wrote an entire book that’s mostly about that!!!

Anyway, she went on to tell Ben he and his wife should go to a sex therapist together.

Hmm. I’m guessing Ben and his wife were VERY religious and might still be. What are the odds they’re going to go to a sex therapist?

Dr. Laura continued, saying “Or you’re going to be divorced.”

What is she basing that on? It’s been 25 years. They made it this far. She then asserted again that Ben is a bad lover and turned his wife off. She wants to send him a “tape” of the conversation to play for his wife. Oh, no. No no no.

Now, it’s possible Ben is a bad lover. Sex is a learned skill, and he hasn’t had much opportunity to learn. But it’s also possible his wife simply has little interest in having sex with him or anyone else at all, and it has nothing to do with anything he did or didn’t do. She might have what Dr. Laura would call “trowma” or maybe she has hangups.

Poor Ben. He’s likely never going to experience a good sex life.

Well, there you have it. Two more examples among countless examples of why it’s better to avoid marriage in the first place.

. 

Free Men Are Morally Superior

Rape and sexual harassment are immoral.

If you're a good man, you don't want to rape or commit sexual harassment. According to informed, enlightened, educated people, including women (and we are to believe women), rape includes sexual activity between spouses when there wasn't an enthusiastic desire in both of them to immediately have sex with each other when they started to touch each other. We also know that sexual harassment includes asking for sex when the other person doesn't have an enthusiastic desire to have sex with you at that exact moment.

Why Do Men Like Lingerie?

Why do men like lingerie?

For men who like women to wear lingerie, there are two basic reasons:

1) It looks more revealing and sexier than baggy sweatpants, granny panties, or just about anything else a woman would wear other than skimpy swimsuits or revealing yoga pants.

2) It signals she's feeling sexual or is willing to get sexual. There are swimsuits more revealing than some lingerie, but the swimsuit signals she's going to hang out by the pool, on the beach, or sun herself. There are yoga pants more revealing than some lingerie, but again, yoga pants don't signal "Let's get sexual."

Most men prefer women to be entirely naked rather than in lingerie. But most men do prefer lingerie to regular clothing or pajamas that don't reveal much.

Some women find lingerie figure-flattering, accentuating certain parts of their body and hiding things about which they are unhappy or self-conscious. We get that. But women do tend to be far more critical of their own bodies than men, especially a man who is with them. But if it helps her feel more confident and helps her to be more enthusiastic, that's definitely a plus.

When a wife surprises her husband with wearing lingerie, especially if he normally has to persuade her to agree to sex, it can be a nice surprise to him.

I plan to write more about why men like certain things when it comes to women. I fully get it that some women, even some women who claim to be heterosexual, don't give a rat's behind about what men like. But there may be a few women who are curious, and I can be honest. Maybe you can put what I tell you to good use?

Also, as with anything else, especially anything sexual, "men like" is a generalization. There will ALWAYS be outliers or a minority of men who think/feel differently. In this case, that means a few men will find lingerie a turn off, or will prefer it to nudity.

Stuff Husbands Say To Unmarried Guys

When a married man says to unmarried men that "sex isn't that important", or "sex doesn't matter so much in marriage" here are the likely possibilities about what is going on, in no particular order:

1) He's deeply hurt by his wife's rejections, so he's trying to soothe himself.

2) He's bored from being limited to sex with the same aging woman for years with no change in sight, especially if she isn't enthusiastic anymore.

3) He has a low libido.

4) There's sexual dysfunction, whether ED or premature ejaculation, or something else on his part or her part.

I've always understood that actual, physical, marital lovemaking is only going to take up a small percentage of the time you spend with your spouse. However, it is something that is going to be thought about a lot, something that is anticipated. There's the flirting, the hugging and kissing, the touches and pats... at least, there should be. It's important.


I used to wonder what the appeal was to sit and watching regular-season sporting events not involving your local team, or going golfing, fishing, hunting, or the local bar so often. Then I got married. So now I understand better the appeal of those things. But I refuse to try to convince myself that sex isn't important. The blunt truth of the matter is that if you would have told me, back when I was deciding whether or not to get married, that things would be the way they are when it comes to our sex life, I wouldn't have married. That's one reasons I write these entries. I'm not going to try to convince unmarried guys to get married, especially by saying something as depressing as "sex isn't that important".

Read what I wrote about translating happy hubby talk.

An Enthusiastic Wife Can Make a Big Difference

Or, How to Be a Snake Charmer.

This entry is going to be mostly about male sexual performance and is going to get somewhat explicit. If you don't want to read about that, you are warned.

This is the Reality of Many Husbands

Some really great letters are posted at Dr. Laura's website. Typically, there will be three letters posted every weekday. This is usually something distinct from things posted on her show's Facebook page.

Here's a recently printed letter from Peter.

Fifteen years ago, I married my sweet loving girlfriend after many years of dating. The first year of marriage was pretty bumpy, but then she read your book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Wow, the marriage really got good.

Sounds great, right?

Fast forward to today and things have taken a turn for the worse. I like so many of your callers am no longer married to my girlfriend.  Instead I'm married to a bitchy wife with 3 kids. Now I understand 3 kids can be a handful, but here are a few thoughts from my perspective.

1.When you say guys don't communicate that's because we often get punished if we communicate.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. Not just what you say but how you say it.

She asked me what's wrong about a year ago and I made the mistake of telling her.

Sometimes, it is best to minimize interaction.

I get the house will be a mess with three kids, but every room is like a war zone. So instead of ever mentioning it again, I just put in some extra effort in doing the dishes for her, some laundry, picking up things. And now by me being helpful and proactive, she considers I'm still complaining...

Some women claim to agree to a division of labor. The husband is supposed to financially support the entire family and handle certain chores and errands (lawn care, automotive maintenance, etc), and they will handle most of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. But then the women will do a little test. They'll stop doing some or all of the domestic chores and figure either their husband will do it himself or he will shell out cash to pay someone else to do it, even though he's already paying half of his salary for domestic considerations.

2.I didn't realize I signed up for a life of celibacy.

There isn't (any longer) a legal requirement not a social requirement that a wife actually be her husband's lover.

Again, I made the mistake of communicating my frustration. I also emailed her some quotes from you like, "This is the measure men have of how much their women love them". Now she says I'm just thinking of me.

So she doesn't enjoy sex? Most likely she seemed to enjoy it before the wedding and maybe even before the kids.

3.Men are reactive and not pro-active. She doesn't seem to understand, the woman sets the mood of the household. And men react to their woman's mood. If she is bitchy then I'm on guard and try to not communicate too much to avoid her wrath. If I confront her, it's twice as bad.  And if I avoid her, I'm still a bastard for being quiet and not communicating. Refer back to #1.

Yup. It's a rigged game.

4.Men aren't women. I'm not wrong because I don't react to the kids the same way you do. My experience?  When I lay down some rules, Mommy intervenes to tell the child Daddy is wrong for being angry. To undermine Daddy like that just sets up the kid to be a spoiled brat for the rest of its life.

And yet you know that if he backed off she would complain that he doesn't help parent.

In conclusion, there was time when I would have swam through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade. Now I just seem to forget some of those presents at anniversaries and birthdays.

She no doubt complains to anyone listens about that.


Is this a man who can honestly tell his son or any other man that marriage is a good thing?

Mom and Dad on a Date Night

My wife and I haven't been getting regular date nights. The last date night we had was months ago. She mentioned that we should go on one. I agree.

Here are the ways we've previously had date nights:

1. Dropping off the kids with my wife's sister and brother-in-law for a few hours.

This is temporarily becoming less of an option, and is going to get worse before it gets better. Maybe it will be a good possibilty again later this year.

2. We go to vist my family and they watch the kids.

When traffic is good, we live about 45-60 minutes from my family... Because my wife insisted on living close to her family.... Most of whom we can't have babysitting the kids.

And what will we talk about on date nights?

Well, have you ever noticed that some people with minor children only seem to talk about their children?

Do you know why?

Because that is all they are doing with their life... raising the children.

I'm either going to be talking about work, the kids, or something on talk radio. My wife is either going to be talking about the kids, couponing, or some way she is accumulating points to covert into gift cards or free stuff we need.

There's nothing new to talk with each other about. We see each other every day. We're not off on adventures apart from each other that we need to fill each other in on.

When we were dating, we were getting to know each other and plan things, so there was that to talk about. And we could talk about the adventures we were having together.

We know each other now, and we're not going on any adventures.

Oh, sure, there are thoughts and interests I don't talk about with my wife. I'm not going to start, either, because it would only cause trouble. I'm not just talking about sexual stuff, but Dennis Prager, who does a weekly apolitical "Male/Female Hour" on this radio show that he calls "the most honest discussion" on terrestrial radio about male-female issues. One recent hour was "Husbands: Do you hide part of your sexual nature from your wife?" Prager urges husbands to be honest and open about their sexual nature, and for wives to accept normal male sexuality, even if they don't fully understand it. This brings true intimacy.

Prager tells the story of how he and a male friend used to exercise together, and how they'd watch the women and point them out to each other and make comments to each other. Prager mentioned something about watching the women at the venue to this man's wife, and she replied, in all seriousness, as though it was just Prager doing that because she "knew" her husband didn't look at other women. Prager said he still has an indentation on his shin where his buddy kicked him under the table as a sign not to correct his wife. According to Dennis, after that, he vowed to himself not to marry a woman with whom he couldn't be honest about his sexual nature.

Sure, ther are some wives - some of them called in during that hour - who will be OK and will even figure out which other women in view will catch their husband's eyes and calmly share the moment with him. "Wow, look at her. She has the kind of hairstyle you like, too." They aren't bothered because they know it is natural on his part and that it doesn't mean he loves or desires her (his wife) any less.

From what I can tell, the women who are prepared to handle something like that are definitely in the minority. Most women aren't prepared to have a husband who is honest about his natural tendency to look at women with this figure or that figure, that kind of walk or this kind of walk, this kind of clothing or that kind of clothing, nor many of his fantasies about what he wants to do with his wife.

If a husband is truly honest and open, the odds are against it paying off.

It might pay off, and he and his wife will be closer as a result and have more fun together as a result.

It is more likely to upset his wife, and perhaps it may do so in a way that will always be there... if even just under the surface, ready to boil over, and sometimes doing just that. It could be more ammunition in fights, and may even be the last straw, setting the man on the course to be shamed before friends and family and the religious congregation, divorced, and visiting his children.

My wife and her sisters are the jealous, territorial type, no doubt because of their father's philandering and their mother's reaction.

So... we'll need to have a date night soon... somehow. And I'd better make a list of subjects to file away in my head so that I don't get accused of withdrawing.

Give Your Breath Away

Dr. Laura linked to this article, "5 Reasons to Make Some Noise in the Bedroom", in her daily list of recommended articles. I wonder if she noticed or cared that the author is an "open marriage" advocate, or if she figures "all truth is God’s truth" and questionable sources can still provide worthwhile reading? The author says what I've referred to as "aural sex" can be a matter of health.

Breathing deeply can increase pleasure. It can also keep the fun from ending too soon. Use your breath to regulate the speed of what’s going on. Speed it up to help get you in the mood, and slow it down to prolong the activities.

It's good to use everything we can, right?

It means your partner knows that you are enjoying it.

YES! That’s very important for me to know, anyway.

It keeps you in the moment. If you spend all of your time in bed thinking about keeping quiet so you don't sound "weird,” you’ll miss all of the fun. But, if instead of worrying about how noisy you are, you simply let the sounds fall where, when, and how they may, you can stay present and enjoy all of the presents your partner is gifting you.

We know from other areas of life that thinking about breathing and being deliberate about breathing can impact our physical and mental state.

It shows intimacy. If you can tell your partner what you want in bed, it means you feel close enough to him or her to be comfortable doing that.

I need to work on that. See below.

It means you’re comfortable with your sexuality. Letting it all out is only possible when you feel good about yourself and what you're doing, which is how everyone should feel when it comes to sex.

Here's where I get personal...

Making Up and Something New

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

That Didn't Go Very Well

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Part-Time Sister Wife?

NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

Sounds like life.

My husband, "Todd," is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week.

"Expects"?

I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore!

Then quit your job. Marital lovemaking isn't supposed to be a chore. Be happy your husband, who is younger, still wants your 53-year-old body. This is yet another example of why some men avoid marriage.

My best friend, "Mavis," has been a widow for five years. She tells me she's going crazy because she hasn't had sex in all this time. She asked if I'd share Todd just one night a week.

Mavis could be having sex if she wants. She could be doing so with a new husband, or fornicating with a steady or different guys. It is her choice, really, although she's not going to have the best men to choose from. Maybe that is why she is trying to horn in on your man. Don't compound the problem by inviting her to commit adultery with your husband.

Mavis isn't pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I'm ready to agree, but I haven't mentioned it to Todd.

Don't. Either he'll like the idea, or be profoundly hurt or disgusted. Neither would be a good reaction.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement?

Have you called the folks at TLC? They could film all of this. I'd recommend MTV, but you're over 25.

Dear Abby, who has no problem endorsing fornication as long as adultery isn't involved, gets all judgmental:

Please find another way to take a break. What you're contemplating would likely be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

So? Sounds like she's not so happy in it and is breaking or wants to break the vows anyway. If she had instead written to you and said the truth another way – that she is unhappy with her husband and sexually incompatible, wouldn't you tell her to leave him anyway?

You may think you'd be "safe" because Mavis isn't pretty, but to quote Benjamin Franklin, "In the dark, all cats are gray."

From what I understand, Franklin would know. Actually, given the wife's attitude and Mavis' "hunger", it would be easy for the husband to find Mavis to be a much better lover regardless of how she looks.

If you're tired, let Mavis help with the chores -- but not this one.

She didn't offer a solution. Sex isn't supposed to be a chore. How about dropping down to part-time work? Or hiring domestic help? Her husband probably does things around the house, too – notice she doesn't say he doesn’t lift a finger around the house. But he's not too tired for sex. Something tells me she wouldn't be too tired for sex with George Clooney.

Doesn't sound like they have minor children in the mix. Imagine if they did. That's the reality of so many married couples theses days. Both have full work schedules and they have minor children. Why? Often because women have been told they must have careers outside the home, and they wouldn't respect their husbands if their husbands didn’t also have careers. Or because people think they need bigger homes, more cars, more vacations, more toys. Or they are trying to save up to fork over money to some increasingly expensive and ever-worsening institutions of indoctrination, er, uh, higher learning.

Anyway, back to the idea of having another woman do some of the "heavy lifting". Be honest, ladies, if nobody else would find out and there wasn't a religious issue, do you think you'd consider something like this? Or maybe you'd be the one who'd want someone else (male or female) in addition to your hubby. Men can be deeply in love with and attracted to their wives, and still find other women strongly attractive. Given male sexual nature, I think most men would take on another woman if there wasn't a religious issue and if the wife would be agreeable. We have plenty of examples of men who do this even with the religious prohibition and even though it hurts their wives deeply.

So Many Questions

There's a lot of information missing from this letter. DAZED AND CONFUSED, MISSOULA, MONT wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have an awesome relationship with "Jack."

Great.

He's very attractive, polite, has a good job and is, basically, what I am looking for in a future husband.

Really? Aren't you leaving out a few, more important qualities? Yes, being attractive to you is important, especially if you want kids. Being polite is good, but aren't there a few more important qualities?

My problem? Jack left his longtime girlfriend for me. So how do I know he isn't going to do the same thing to me?

I've seen this very issue end up in divorce. A wife was paranoid about her husband because he left his previous girlfriend for her. Her insecurity became a self-fullfilling problem, and now kids are suffering as a result.

Well now. Her question is the $64,000 one, isn't it? That's one of many reasonas why it is good to only enter relationships with someone who was unattached. I never left a girlfriend for another. One of the problems of someone doing this is that they are less likely to really have figured out what went wrong. Did they pick wrong? Did they act wrong?

Dear Abby responded:

How old are you two? If you're teenagers, then Jack may still have acres of wild oats to sow, and what happened to his former girlfriend could happen to you.

That's a good point. Is the guy old enough to commit and in a place in his life where he'd really be able to? Is he really looking to commit? Does his past behavior indicate he is able to commit? Does he have a religious or otherwise personal moral obligation to commit that overrides the present-day legal negatives for husbands combined with the supply of plentiful casual sex so easy to find?

However, if you are older and mature, then surely you realize that men who are happy and satisfied in their relationships do not usually leave their girlfriends "for" someone. They leave because something they feel is important is missing.

I would insert the word "decent" before "men". A good guy who is truly committed does not leave a woman who treats him right for another woman.

So was his past girlfriend not treating him right? Or is he not a good guy? Jerks can be attractive, after all, even polite. If he simply saw an opportunity to "trade up" and he took it, then you're going to be history when he finds the next step up.

Are you absolutely sure he left her and isn't seeing both of you?

Without knowing more, there are two approaches that can be taken to make sure he doesn't leave you:

1. Check up on him constantly. Make sure you know exactly what he's doing and with whom 60/24/365 and what he's thinking. Do not allow him anything but the bare minimum contact with other women. Don't even let him look at picture of models. Try not to allow him any free time to spend without you.

OR...

2. Be a magnet. Be the kind of woman he couldn't be pried away from with a crowbar. See here, here, here, here, here, and here.

The first option is a lot less fun and actually tends to drive men away after a while. So if you try that, see if you can first get him to agree to have a binding legal agreement placing everything in your name. And crush his self-esteem and hopes.

(Choose option 2.)

It's Looking Like a Better Year

For most of the weekend, it looked like the new year was going to start off on a dismal note. For quite a while, the sexual frequency was down to once a week. Several weeks back, I started getting what I would call "mercy oral" – very mechanical, very "going through the motions" – once during the week as well. Hey, that's better than nothing, but I really enjoy my wife's body and seeing, touching, and tasting her, and especially pleasing her, and I wasn't getting to do that during the week.

Christmas weekend, because of everything my wife wanted to get done, I didn't even get our usual weekend session. If it was anything, it was the mercy oral, like during the week.

This definitely had an impact on my mood. I get irritable.

I told my wife this weekend that it had been too long since I'd seen her naked, too long since I'd tasted her. Unfortunately, she was menstruating. I'm still willing to do what I can for her, but she is generally against doing anything down there while menstruating. So, we had skipped the week before and then there was this.

New Year's Eve was a non-event. We went over to the in-laws' to exchange Christmas gifts (because we hadn't seen them since before Christmas) and have a meal. The brother and sister who had fought with them weren't there, and no mention was made of Christmas Eve. But we left to return home long before midnight, as the get-together was never meant as a NYE get-together.

NYE used to be a big deal in my life. I can remember it being a huge deal going as far back as I can remember. There were a couple of years I was asleep at midnight because I had to show up at a job at 4, 5, or 6am, but otherwise it was a big deal. I know we celebrated big time when my wife was pregnant with our first child, because we knew our life was going to be different after the birth. It seems like the last few years, though, it hasn't been an event for us. I would have planned something had I realized we were not going to be at the in-laws'.

So, having written all of that, why is it looking like a better year?

Last night, as I was turning in for the night, my wife joined me. I knew something was up, because she had already given me the mercy oral the night before. Turns out that one of her New Year's resolutions was to send me off to sleep with, as she put it, a smile on my face every night. Yes, it was another night of mercy oral, but that is certainly better than nothing. I can't remember the last time we had sexual contact two nights in a row. It was probably the last time we were trying to make a baby. I expect that sometime within the next couple of days, I will regain access to her body.

This is one resolution I hope she keeps! I will do my best to help her by initiating as often as possible. If this resolution is kept, it can have a huge impact on our marriage. Who knows, maybe she will let me take her to climax more than once every week or two?

Basic Advice to a Newlywed Bride

A woman I met through work and befriended recently got married. We don't work together anymore, and I don’t see her in person often, so I wrote her some advice. This is, with slight editing, what I sent her.

If you picked a husband well, and from what I can tell you did, keeping your husband happy and thus your marriage together and good is simple, because men are simple creatures. Simple does not always mean easy. But at least it means "not complicated".

What wives generally need the most is love. What husbands generally need the most is respect.

Something else to keep in mind... think of you wearing pink ears and pink glasses, and him wearing blue ears and blue glasses. You literally see and hear things differently than each other. That will explain a lot of disagreements.

Turn TO each other, not ON each other. This is the family you have made.

Fourteen words that will help…

In Shape
Nice Picture
Sex Anytime
Girlfriend Talk
Guy Time
Alone Time
Strong Man

If you keep those fourteen words in mind, and the meaning behind them, you will be a magnet that keeps your hubby attached and nobody will be able to pry him away with a crowbar.

In Shape. You don't have much trouble with this one. Yeah, we all get old and that is unavoidable, and there will be seasons during which, for whatever reason, you won't be looking your best. But a reasonable effort to keep yourself in shape will mean so much to him. Men are visual creatures. We appreciate the way our woman looks. Think of all of the advertising that uses female skin to sell. Not much advertising uses male skin to sell. Why? The sight of female skin has a special effect on heterosexual men.

Nice Picture. This has more to do with how he best likes you, as far as hair style, hair length, etc. See above. In fairness, he should keep his facial hair conditions a way that you like.

Sex Anytime. Dennis Prager, who has written a lot about male sexual nature and gender relations, says that if women could feel what it is like to be a man for a day, they would wonder that any man ever stays faithful. Most women need some sort of emotional connection for sex. Men don't. Yes, it is more enjoyable with a woman we love, but we don't need to have any emotional connection whatsoever – that is how much we are physically set up to want sex. Sex is one of the basic ways we bond with our wife, learn about our wife, communicate with our wife, show love for our wife. There will be times you won't feel like it. Do it – do something – anyway. You just might get into it despite your earlier feelings. Never pass up the chance to have a good orgasm with your husband. Attitude, especially enthusiasm, are important. Also, if he's hurting, depressed, worried… just holding his head in your lap with your hands rubbing his skin can do wonders.

Girlfriend Talk. He's not one of your girlfriends. Before you start telling him about a problem, tell him if you just need a listening ear or if you want him to offer a solution. Men are wired to offer a solution, so we need to be told if you just want to vent. We will listen to you vent if that is what you need, but if you are going to vent over and over about the same problem that you're not going to/can't do anything about, and he can't do anything about it, it is better to save that for one of your girlfriends, or you will drive him crazy. Also, don't expect him to always have something to say. It doesn't mean anything is wrong.

Guy Time. Most men need time with the guys. Today, there are very few places left for guys to get together and just be guys without women they want approval from/cooperation with staring at them. If he needs guy time, let him have it without punishing him for it. It doesn't mean he doesn’t enjoy being with you.

Alone Time. Some guys need it. See above.

Strong Man. Yes, you're able to take care of yourself. But men have a need to be admired and needed. We want to be our wife's protector and hero. So let him do some things, like opening doors, reaching high places, opening jars, etc. It may sound silly, but it will make him feel so good if you say things like, "Honey, I need a big, strong man to carry this for me." Let him do certain things for you. In turn, you can do certain things for him that he could do for himself, like fix him a sandwhich when he's doing some chores.

That's the most basic advice I can give for having a happy husband.

The Quiet Bed

Most of us started having orgasms though masturbation, when we were living at home with parents and, for most of us siblings, on the other side of the door. Later, we shared rentals or dorm rooms with others, and just as when we were at home, we'd try to masturbate quietly enough not to be heard.

Or, for those who fornicated while living in such situations, you likewise were likely to try to keep quiet, trying to keep moans, gasps, and whimpers quiet and keep sex talk (what some people might call "talking dirty") to a quiet minimum.

Marital lovemaking should not be an embarrassment or shameful. It is exactly right, it isn't wrong. As such, the only reason why a married couple would want to stay quiet is not to wake/disturb others who make be in the home, especially children.

Due to the layout of our house and other factors, it is unlikely the kids would hear us during their sleeping hours.

My wife is quiet. That's fine. The other night, I tried talking. I'm not talking about using derogatory terms for her or for our body parts – I'm not interested in that. But I tried talking in a sexy way about what I wanted her to do and what I wanted to do to her.

She shot that down right away, thus adding yet another thing to the "no" list. She went on to say that I've been having sex a lot longer than she has, and that she doesn't need bells and whistles (yet). I quipped that at the rate/frequency we're at, we'll never get there. She responded by citing any number of factors that are creating the existing situation, none of which I have control over. Some will change. Others will not. But the ones that do change, I expect to be replaced with others, based on past experience.

Thinking back, sex has almost always been a quiet thing for me. I can only recall My First MILF being vocal. She would moan, she would tell me I was hitting the right spot, that I was a perfect fit, that I was big, stuff like that. Come to think of it, my wife said I was big the other night. But other than that, the only other thing she says is in response to me asking her what she wants, and she'll say the generic "make love to me". Maybe I should ask her, "How exactly?"

As far as the "big" talk – ladies can almost never go wrong talking like that, unless the guy knows full well that he's unusually small. It's like telling a woman that her hair looks fantastic when she's just had a salon disaster. Still, I point out that babies come out of there, so how can I really feel all that big? I don't want her to stop talking like that, though.

Ladies, aural sex is a good thing. Talking and making "appreciative" noises can enhance the lovemaking for your hubby. I don't mean telling him about what color you'd like the room painted. Tell him what he's doing right, give him constructive suggestions, tell him what you want him to do or what you want to do. Tell him how he's making you feel.

Do you have any good things to say, in addition to "You're so big!"? Go ahead and share them. Or, what do you like to hear?

Normal Straight Men Appreciate the Female Form

Married Man Sex Life responded to a young wife who asked why her husband is attracted to other women. She asked if she isn’t good enough.

It's actually normal for a husband to have a general sexual interest in other women. For a 20 year old husband it's very normal. 20 year old males are basically hard wired to screw anything that moves. So in that sense it's not "about you". It's just the testosterone talking in him. The husbands that don't have a general sexual interest in other women have wives that write to me asking how to get their husbands interested in sex with them. So the good news is that your husband is heterosexual and has a pulse.

Yes, be honest wives. Wouldn't you rather have a husband who is attracted to other women in addition to you (but doesn't stray) with you occasionally noticing him checking out other women... than a man who has no sex drive or is a closeted homosexual?

So rather than frame the question as "why does he want other women / why am I not good enough?", why not see it as "he has a high sexual drive / he's expressing he needs help with it".

What you can do is actively listen to him about it. You can let him vent and express frustration, but also be clear that the appropriate person to have sex with is you, that there will indeed be negative consequences for sleeping with someone other than you. Plus you have to have sex with him. If you define yourself as his sole sexual outlet, you have to be that outlet or eventually that with blow up on you.

Dennis Prager, who talks and writes much about male sexuality, puts it more or less as "thank your husband for not straying" and never rebuff him. He says that if women could experience what it felt like to be a normal man, they would be amazed that any man avoids infidelity.

Badger Nation commented:

Don't want to speculate on the reader's background, but it's like they think once the modern piece of paper is signed thousands of years of biological programming should just switch off and he should only have eyes for her.

A good husband value his wife over all other women. But that doesn't mean he will not look at other women, even if his is married to the most beautiful woman in the world. He'll try not to be tacky about it, and he will satisfy his urges by making love to his wife.

Previously: Distressed By Normal Masculine Traits

A Change For the Better

I love seeing letters like this one on Dr. Laura's website. The writer explains how Dr Laura helped save her marriage, making things better for everone involved.

I was not my husband's girlfriend, I was never interested in sex, complained all the time, tried to control all aspects of our financial life, and worst of all I continually blamed him for any and all of the bumps in our marriage.

None of that excuses his cheating, but she was breaking their vows, too.

I was a real piece of work. It is shocking my marriage had lasted as long as it had. Since I was doing so many things wrong I decided to make a list and work on one thing each month. I heard somewhere if you want to make something a habit you had to do it for 30 days straight and most of the things I was doing wrong was what I was NOT doing.

At first my husband was skeptical, as can be expected, but after a while I really enjoyed the shocked look I would get when I would do something worthy of a good girlfriend.

I wonder why he married her in the first place? Glad she has changed for the better.

Follow Up To Yesterday

Here are a couple of follow-up letters to Dr. Laura related to the call I wrote about yesterday.

"J." wrote:

Your whiny caller today (9/27/10) was so far off the mark regarding her husband looking at other women. My husband and I have been married 40 years. Every year, for the last 25 or so, we attend an event where not only are there girls in bikinis but great numbers of them "flash."

Mardi Gras? Or the Red Hat Society Annual Convention?

My friends ask why I take my man to this event. It sparks him up, saves me a lot of foreplay, and I think it's a hoot. It's a shame some women don't realize that when almost any man stops looking its time to shovel the dirt over him.

Who do you think has a happier marriage? J and her hubby, or Greg and Lisa? Well, Greg and Lisa wrote to Dr. Laura, too:

Funny thing, I have never been called whiny my entire life and even my husband was surprised you called me whiny.

And I'm sure some people who usually don't listen to Dr. Laura heard that call and dismissed the show because they think the host is rude. But read on:

I listened to your commentary afterwards and it started to sink in. But it was actually your comment to the lady with the husband who had the emotional affair that it really clicked. You told her that she was kicking him out of their nest.

I realized I was over-reacting to all my husband's faults because I was testing him. I was kicking him out of the nest - not only to see IF he would fly back, but how hard he was willing to try to fly back.

Breakthrough!

The truth is, he is a good man and he's trying. It's not going to change over night. Just like I can't forgive him over night but I too am trying. This is all going to take time. I am going to stop kicking him out of our nest. I am going to stop testing him and allow him to come back to me.

I love happy endings. So to speak.