So Many Questions

There's a lot of information missing from this letter. DAZED AND CONFUSED, MISSOULA, MONT wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have an awesome relationship with "Jack."

Great.

He's very attractive, polite, has a good job and is, basically, what I am looking for in a future husband.

Really? Aren't you leaving out a few, more important qualities? Yes, being attractive to you is important, especially if you want kids. Being polite is good, but aren't there a few more important qualities?

My problem? Jack left his longtime girlfriend for me. So how do I know he isn't going to do the same thing to me?

I've seen this very issue end up in divorce. A wife was paranoid about her husband because he left his previous girlfriend for her. Her insecurity became a self-fullfilling problem, and now kids are suffering as a result.

Well now. Her question is the $64,000 one, isn't it? That's one of many reasonas why it is good to only enter relationships with someone who was unattached. I never left a girlfriend for another. One of the problems of someone doing this is that they are less likely to really have figured out what went wrong. Did they pick wrong? Did they act wrong?

Dear Abby responded:

How old are you two? If you're teenagers, then Jack may still have acres of wild oats to sow, and what happened to his former girlfriend could happen to you.

That's a good point. Is the guy old enough to commit and in a place in his life where he'd really be able to? Is he really looking to commit? Does his past behavior indicate he is able to commit? Does he have a religious or otherwise personal moral obligation to commit that overrides the present-day legal negatives for husbands combined with the supply of plentiful casual sex so easy to find?

However, if you are older and mature, then surely you realize that men who are happy and satisfied in their relationships do not usually leave their girlfriends "for" someone. They leave because something they feel is important is missing.

I would insert the word "decent" before "men". A good guy who is truly committed does not leave a woman who treats him right for another woman.

So was his past girlfriend not treating him right? Or is he not a good guy? Jerks can be attractive, after all, even polite. If he simply saw an opportunity to "trade up" and he took it, then you're going to be history when he finds the next step up.

Are you absolutely sure he left her and isn't seeing both of you?

Without knowing more, there are two approaches that can be taken to make sure he doesn't leave you:

1. Check up on him constantly. Make sure you know exactly what he's doing and with whom 60/24/365 and what he's thinking. Do not allow him anything but the bare minimum contact with other women. Don't even let him look at picture of models. Try not to allow him any free time to spend without you.

OR...

2. Be a magnet. Be the kind of woman he couldn't be pried away from with a crowbar. See here, here, here, here, here, and here.

The first option is a lot less fun and actually tends to drive men away after a while. So if you try that, see if you can first get him to agree to have a binding legal agreement placing everything in your name. And crush his self-esteem and hopes.

(Choose option 2.)

Basic Advice to a Newlywed Bride

A woman I met through work and befriended recently got married. We don't work together anymore, and I don’t see her in person often, so I wrote her some advice. This is, with slight editing, what I sent her.

If you picked a husband well, and from what I can tell you did, keeping your husband happy and thus your marriage together and good is simple, because men are simple creatures. Simple does not always mean easy. But at least it means "not complicated".

What wives generally need the most is love. What husbands generally need the most is respect.

Something else to keep in mind... think of you wearing pink ears and pink glasses, and him wearing blue ears and blue glasses. You literally see and hear things differently than each other. That will explain a lot of disagreements.

Turn TO each other, not ON each other. This is the family you have made.

Fourteen words that will help…

In Shape
Nice Picture
Sex Anytime
Girlfriend Talk
Guy Time
Alone Time
Strong Man

If you keep those fourteen words in mind, and the meaning behind them, you will be a magnet that keeps your hubby attached and nobody will be able to pry him away with a crowbar.

In Shape. You don't have much trouble with this one. Yeah, we all get old and that is unavoidable, and there will be seasons during which, for whatever reason, you won't be looking your best. But a reasonable effort to keep yourself in shape will mean so much to him. Men are visual creatures. We appreciate the way our woman looks. Think of all of the advertising that uses female skin to sell. Not much advertising uses male skin to sell. Why? The sight of female skin has a special effect on heterosexual men.

Nice Picture. This has more to do with how he best likes you, as far as hair style, hair length, etc. See above. In fairness, he should keep his facial hair conditions a way that you like.

Sex Anytime. Dennis Prager, who has written a lot about male sexual nature and gender relations, says that if women could feel what it is like to be a man for a day, they would wonder that any man ever stays faithful. Most women need some sort of emotional connection for sex. Men don't. Yes, it is more enjoyable with a woman we love, but we don't need to have any emotional connection whatsoever – that is how much we are physically set up to want sex. Sex is one of the basic ways we bond with our wife, learn about our wife, communicate with our wife, show love for our wife. There will be times you won't feel like it. Do it – do something – anyway. You just might get into it despite your earlier feelings. Never pass up the chance to have a good orgasm with your husband. Attitude, especially enthusiasm, are important. Also, if he's hurting, depressed, worried… just holding his head in your lap with your hands rubbing his skin can do wonders.

Girlfriend Talk. He's not one of your girlfriends. Before you start telling him about a problem, tell him if you just need a listening ear or if you want him to offer a solution. Men are wired to offer a solution, so we need to be told if you just want to vent. We will listen to you vent if that is what you need, but if you are going to vent over and over about the same problem that you're not going to/can't do anything about, and he can't do anything about it, it is better to save that for one of your girlfriends, or you will drive him crazy. Also, don't expect him to always have something to say. It doesn't mean anything is wrong.

Guy Time. Most men need time with the guys. Today, there are very few places left for guys to get together and just be guys without women they want approval from/cooperation with staring at them. If he needs guy time, let him have it without punishing him for it. It doesn't mean he doesn’t enjoy being with you.

Alone Time. Some guys need it. See above.

Strong Man. Yes, you're able to take care of yourself. But men have a need to be admired and needed. We want to be our wife's protector and hero. So let him do some things, like opening doors, reaching high places, opening jars, etc. It may sound silly, but it will make him feel so good if you say things like, "Honey, I need a big, strong man to carry this for me." Let him do certain things for you. In turn, you can do certain things for him that he could do for himself, like fix him a sandwhich when he's doing some chores.

That's the most basic advice I can give for having a happy husband.

They'll Always Have Paris – Or Not

"Stewing" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I’ve been married for 20 years, during which time my husband has never given me any reason to mistrust him. He is a good father with a strong sense of responsibility, and he takes his marriage vows seriously.

Great!

A couple of years ago, after 30-plus years, he reconnected with his high school friends through the Internet. He’s met a few of these friends during his travels, and some of them have even come for dinner. Here comes the situation. He’s been going to Paris every three months or so for business, where two of the high school friends live. One is a married male friend, "Sam." The other is a divorced female friend, "Lila." All three have gotten together for dinner, but on a couple of occasions, Sam couldn’t make it, so my husband had dinner with Lila.

He's never given you a reason to distrust him, but have you given yourself a reason to distrust him, by not being a good wife?

I know he has no romantic feelings for her, but I’m still uncomfortable with his having dinner with her alone.

It isn't appropriate. Well, it is in France, but they're messed up that way.

Just because something hasn’t happened in the past doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future.

Keep saying that about everything in life. That will make you happy and healthy.

Would I be overreacting if I asked him not to see Lila alone?

No, as long as you don't allow any man to come into your house (plumber, cable guy, etc.) while you are home but your husband isn't. Okay, it isn't quite the same thing as having wine and dinner, but he wouldn't be out of line asking that from you.

Margo responded:

I think you would seem insecure and controlling if you asked that he only see Lila with the male classmate present.

How is that controlling? He can say "No" to his wife's request.

I'm glad that Margo encouraged her to save herself the worry and give her husband the benefit of the doubt.

The husband is a great guy by the writer's own assessment. If she is being a good wife, she doesn't have anything to worry about. But he should be more respectful of the fact that he's a married man.

AOL Piece on Attracting Men

The Biblical Manhood blog has been updated after a vacation, and called my attention to this AOL piece on how women can be more attractive to men. No, it is mostly NOT about physical appearance.

Of "neediness", it says:

Relentlessly saying, "I miss you," throwing (not so) silent temper tantrums when you don't have his full attention and feeling an insatiable desire for his approval are all classic needy behaviors.

Those are not good. Yes, most men love being the hero. But you can let him do that without being needy.

One of the pieces of advice I disagree with is "Trash Your Perfect Man List". Keep the list. Just do not make the boundaries impossibly narrow. Unless there is some odd, specific need, requiring that the man be exactly 6'2" is too narrow. If you are 5'7", anything from 5'9" upward should be okay. If you insist that he is earning six figures or more, then you’d better be under 30, attractive, and not overweight. I recommend that men and women come up with a list of what they need in a spouse, and what they'd like, but don’t need. What they'd like would be an extra bonus. What they need is non-negotiable. For example, I knew that if I was going to marry, I needed to marry a follower of Christ. I would have liked it if she had the same musical tastes as me. If you find someone who meets all of our needs in a spouse, you are being too narrow if you reject them in hopes of finding someone who also meets what you would like. If, however, you have multiple prospects who meet your needs, then of course you persue most strongly the one who meets more of what you'd like.

The writer also advises that you "Drop Your Story":

There are the basic facts (education, politics, spirituality) and there's the various ways in which you label yourself: I'm bad with money. I'm unattractive. I'm too old. When you drop your story and allow yourself to be simply who you are right now, you instantly become more alive, more engaged and more irresistible.

I can see the point being made, as we should put out best foot forward, but do not hide who you are. Rather than hiding that you are bad with money, why not improve your financial behaviors? If you hide anything significant about yourself, you are setting yourself up to have an angry man on your hands who will hold back from putting all of himself into the relationship.

As the BM blog notes, there are comments on the website by women essentially insisting that they should be able to be self-centered nags exhibiting serious personality flaws and still be taken care of by the perfect man. Those women can't possibly have happy husbands, and the ones with unhappy husbands may not care, but the fact is, their lives would be so much better if they started being kind and caring towards the needs of their husbands.