Dr. Laura Asked If Men Are Idiots for Marrying

On her Tuesday, March 22, 2022 program, Dr. Laura read part of something from Jordan Gray found at Good Men Project. It was titled "I Used To Think That Men Who Got Married Were Idiots."

I used to think that men who got married were idiots.

Or, if they weren’t idiots, they were at least undesirable enough that they just had to settle for whoever chose them… because why else would you tie yourself to someone for life if the reason weren’t that you didn’t have any other romantic options?

I mean, seriously… getting married??

Okay so… you get a couple of months of hot sex, in exchange for a lifetime of indentured servitude to someone who eventually takes you for granted and sees you as a walking wallet and then stops having sex with you and makes jokes with her friends about what a dumbass you are? And that’s if you even manage to stay together… because what’s even more likely is that she eventually leaves you, takes the kids, and steals half of your life savings in the process.

Who in their right mind would sign up for such a thing?

Didn’t these guys realize that, if you really break down the benefits of marriage into their fundamental components, you could hire out all of these needs for way less money than what your lifestyle of snotty nosed kids and inevitable divorce would cost you?

And I’m not speaking hyperbolically here!

Here, I’ll prove it to you…

You could hire someone to come to your house to do a deep clean every other week for, depending on the size of your house, let’s say $200/month.

You don’t want to cook for yourself? Okay, you could hire a meal prepping service who could make your lunches and dinners (you can fend for yourself with a super simple breakfast) for $2,000/month.

Okay, cooking and cleaning are taken care of for less than the cost of your mortgage payment… what’s left? Oh right, the big one. Sex!

Depending on how fancy you are and the legality of sex work in your local area, you could see a sex worker every week for the rest of your life and spend no more than $1-2,000 per month on that expense.

So if you tally up the monthly costs of outsourcing predictable, guaranteed, high-quality cooking, cleaning, and sex… you’re looking at no more than $50,000 per year in total expenses. Now, that might sound like a lot to some in the short-term… but if you compare that to the average cost of raising children, and the amount of money you’ll inevitably have to shell out in your divorce, this is an absolute bargain.

That's where she stopped reading. She took calls from men after that, asking them "Are men idiots for getting married?" At first, she wanted calls from married men, but she had trouble getting enough calls, so she took them from any men (who passed the screeners). The thing is, Dr. Laura promotes marriage. When she deviates from her program's usual format for things like this, she wants a specific answer. It isn't really her trying to give people time to say whatever they want. She will deny anything that goes against her point.

Gray's essay was pretty good up until that point. I waited for her to go back to finish reading the piece, but she never did. Let's see why.

With this new and improved, upgraded lifestyle:

– You get to keep your heart protected in a steel cage…

– You never have to clean your own toilets (ever again!)…

– And you get to ejaculate in/on/around a swinging door of new strangers on a weekly basis.

Again, it’s an absolute steal. Who wouldn’t sign up for that?

Exactly! You also have the option of choosing not to have sex if  you don't want to or you have a moral objection to it.

He does get to his "punchline" though.

Tethering yourself to someone for life who will see your blindspots, challenge you to become a better version of yourself, while pouring their love all over you and giving you deeply nourishing sex from a place of joy, desire, and emotional overflow?

BWAHAHAHAHA!!! First of all, how many husbands are getting "deeply nourishing sex"? Not most! How many wives are "pouring their love" on their husbands? Not most! Oh, but she WILL nag and badger and harp on what she considers your faults. Yes, she will do that.

Handcuffing yourself to someone who encourages your deepest dreams, holds you through your tears when life hands you hardships, and whose generous, pure love can make you tear up just by making eye contact across the breakfast table?

This guy is delusional. You'll see what I mean before we conclude with him. Women are dream KILLERS.

Maybe… the real nightmare would be seeing love as a perpetual threat…

Who sees love as a perpetual threat? We correctly notice that marriage is terrible deal for most men. They are not the same thing. He's trying to pull a bait and switch, which is fitting, because marriage is often exactly that.

Keeping life at a safe distance and dying having never truly let anyone in…

Uh, girlfriends exist. So do friends.

Because any relationship founded on control, fear, criticism, and mistrust is doomed to failure.

Yes! So don't marry.

In order for any relationship to thrive, we do have to set down the protection mechanisms that once served a purpose, but no longer do.

Oh, they do serve a purpose and they shouldn't be set down.

Come to think of it… there is no greater growth tool available to us than to bind ourselves to another, and allow all of our stuff to come up, and fall away, piece by piece.

That's called having friends.

Today, I am in a relationship so deeply nourishing it would make my ten-years-ago-self’s head spin.

Ten years, huh? So... this relationship is less than ten years old. Oh, you'll find out.

I’m sure that if my younger self saw me today… he would laugh, or internally diminish or judge what he saw (secretly envying it at a deep level). But in truth, I’ve never been happier or more holistically fulfilled.

I wonder if he'll come back and reread this when it all goes to hell?

I am softer than my militaristic twenty-something year old me. I own soft blankets, and I allow myself to lay my head on my lover’s chest – something former me wasn’t able to allow himself.

Guys can do that without being married.

So if you’re someone who thinks that marriage is for idiots… or you have a fear of truly allowing yourself to be relationally vulnerable with someone, let me be the first to tell you, directly, that it is so worth it.

Marriage is NOT worth it for most men.

Love is what we are here for, and nothing will help you grow and deepen more rapidly than a safe, kind, love relationship.

People can love without being married. As he repeatedly revealed, he set up a false dichotomy: either be completely alone hermit-monk mode, or be married. There are MANY options other than those.

Now, it's time for the REAL punchline.

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

I have an appointment to go look at engagement rings.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! He's not even married!!!

HA! That poor man. He's going to find out. Oh, that poor, poor fellow.

Mr. Gray, if you're reading this before getting married, there's still time to come to your senses. Continue reading to see what I mean.

And to my readers: Comments can be left at the Good Men Project link. Consider leaving a comment!

Let me summarize how the calls to Dr. Laura went.

1. Basically stopped caring about his own needs because they weren't going to be met.
2. Said we need intimacy. But we can have that without marriage.
3. Says he's happy. As always, he could be happy without marriage. I won't bother repeating that with the rest of the calls.
4. Said even geniuses make stupid decisions in picking a partner. The sex will disappear.
5. Said he signed up for a life partner. Tried to do what his bitchy [my word] wife wanted. Claims it beats the alternative of hiring a housekeeper.
6. Says he chose wisely despite doing everything wrong by Dr. Laura's plan (such as marrying too young and too quickly). She's had a stroke and almost died.
7. Divorced eight years. Engaged again. She is also divorced. They are "merging" families.
8. Had a terrible experience.
9. Yes, they are idiots. They were also very young. Women change.
10. They are idiots for staying in marriages that aren't working [If people didn't, the divorce rate would skyrocket!] He says one day she says "I'm not happy" and it is all downhill from there. Women file 80 percent of the divorces, he loses half of everything, pays spousal support and child support.
11. Discovered on his wedding night she didn't like the company of men.
12. Claims that sometimes you feel like an idiot, but not for marrying. It's entirely up to you [no, it isn't].

13. No, they aren't idiots. Another one saying he did everything wrong according to the Dr. Laura plan, would have "walked away" "many times" but got "married under God." He basically assumes men wouldn't mature without marriage.
14. Men are not idiots for getting married. He was another young groom. Difficult times, but made the decision to stay.
15. He waited for their youngest to be out and then divorced. "The deal changed after many years." This guy related a story of having one of his wife's friend come to him to scold him about something that his wife told her friends he did while badmouthing him along with all of the other wives badmouthing their husbands. Married because he wanted children. "Futile" to try to make it better. She threatened to have him arrested so he started recording their talks.
16. Claimed to be happy.
17. Claimed marrying was his best decision. Invoked God. Claimed to have zero complaints. [She was listening, wasn't she? If only he could have said an emergency code word.]
18. Happily married and claims everyone he knows is, too. [Delusional.]
19. No, they are not idiots. He's Jewish, his wife isn't. "Tolerance" is the key. Dr. Laura said it was sounding like he was tolerating abuse.

I heard a lot of guys who didn't want to admit they were idiots for getting married, but were.

Guys, Dr. Laura now can get messages by writing to DrLaura at DrLaura dot com. So, maybe tell her about your experiences as a husband or as a Free Man?

*****

Maybe she will read this:

As a percentage, fewer Americans are married now than at any time in history. Sure, some of that is people marrying older or living longer divorced or widowed. But some of that is from people avoiding marriage. Some men have embraced a “marriage strike,” including men who identify as “Men Going Their Own Way” (MGTOW). They, along with miserable husbands, were less likely to have tried calling in yesterday (March 22). Perhaps you can invite them to write to you, so you can get their perspective? I’ve condensed much of it below, but if you solicit their emailed messages via your program and social media, you’ll see for yourself.

There’s a difference between LEGALLY marrying and SOCIALLY marrying. Men who LEGALLY marry - at least with what amounts to the default prenup provided by the state - ARE “idiots.” More specifically, some do it because they are weak, passive, desperate, or unwilling to be responsible for themselves. Almost all men who do so these days are ignorant, delusional, or masochists.

LEGALLY, marriage is mostly a wealth transfer mechanism. A man can VOLUNTARILY share his wealth with a woman. Why should he sign a bad state contract that FORCES him to share his earnings no matter how she behaves, whether she stays or goes? If they are truly devoted to each other, she can be a good wife and he can be a good husband, and they can get customized paperwork for certain legalities, without signing that bad state contract. They can choose to be together until death.

“Legally marrying protects her, and so if she cares about her, he should legally marry her.” Counterpoint: It only protects her from a bad man; it allows her to screw over a good man. If he’s a bad man, she shouldn’t be with him in the first place. Legally marrying puts him at risk. If she wants to put him at risk, does she really care about him?

“Legally marrying makes it more likely they’ll stay together.” Counterpoint: You’re more than smart enough to know about correlation/causation.

SOCIALLY marrying may not be as stupid as legally marrying, but it’s still stupid FOR MOST MEN.

If you care for elaboration, I provide it below, but the reasons for this include:

-Most men don’t have a job that makes them husband material.

-Very few women are wife material.

-Most wives marry men to whom they’re not attracted.

-Most husbands become either serial rapists (according to society) or beaten dogs.

-Most marriages fail.

-Yes, socially marrying is best for raising children, but how many men can give an unselfish reason why THEY want to be fathers? It’s usually them doing what they think their woman, family, religion, or Darwin want them to do, and since most marriages fail, isn’t it irresponsible of him to have children?

*****

Elaboration:

Job - Most men don’t have stable, nearby, 9-5 Monday-Friday jobs that don’t involve communication with coworkers outside of work hours, traveling, working away, moving, working odd hours or odd days, AND pay enough to support a wife, kids, private or homeschooling, lawyers to go to war, care for elderly parents, and a bunch of other things.

Women Aren’t Wife Material - Good wife material is rare and might not last. Most women today want to be brides but do not really want to be a wife. Unfortunately, there really is no way to be sure a woman will be a good wife until life is over. Even a woman who is being a good wife can turn around and ruin a man's life because of hormones or some trauma or brain sickness or injury. But when men filter out women who already appear to be bad wife material or a bad match, or have red flags, there's nobody or almost nobody left. How many local, available, compatible women are there in a man’s age range who aren’t underweight, overweight, substance abusers, dealing with a significant mental/personality disorder, otherwise unhealthy, abusive, divorced, mothers of minor children, wanting to dump kids in daycare, or misandrist? None, probably.

Attraction - As you correctly tell callers, it’s wrong to marry someone to whom you’re not attracted. Most men are attracted to just about any woman who isn’t hideous. Conversely, most women are only attracted to a small percentage of men; literally. Most women want the SAME small percentage of men. This means most men who marry are marrying a woman who isn’t attracted to him. This is one reason why the sex goes downhill.

Serial Rapists/Beaten Dogs - Over the last couple of decades, I’ve read/heard over and over again that initiating sex when both people weren’t already enthusiastically planning to have sex at that exact moment is rape. That makes most husbands serial rapists. Sure, plenty of unmarried men are rapists, too. But we can reduce that by urging people to only go on their date if they both want sex with each other or both don’t want sex. Certainly that’s better than having women married to their rapist. The husbands who aren’t rapists (anymore) are usually “beaten dogs” living in quiet desperation. Or they aren’t quiet about it, and thus are abusers because they yell at their wife or badmouth her.

Most Marriages Fail - And failure is often extremely costly, destructive, and painful. By "fail", I mean most marriages are not both lasting and happy. They will either end in divorce, or experience significant misery, including, among other things, legal separation, physical separation, emotional separation, cheating, abuse, contempt, indifference, neglect, anger, serious disagreement and contention, hostility, humiliation, betrayal, suicide, murder, or murder-suicide. We all know really good, wise men who have been divorced, some multiple times. Isn’t it arrogance for the average 28 year-old groom to think he’s going to fare better than great men who failed?

*****

What about happy husbands? Well, good for them! But…

1. Married men aren't always being honest or reality-based when reporting that they are happy. If they aren't assured their statements are anonymous and that their wife won't see/hear their statement, if they don't want to admit "failure," if they think saying they are anything less than thrilled with their marriage would be a sin or a “negative confession,” they're not going to be honest.

2. Many of these husbands have no idea how much happier they'd be if unmarried. They assume their positive changes are a result of marriage when they may not be or could have been achieved otherwise.

3. Men told by their family, their religion, culture, etc. that they're losers if they're not married are going to be happy that they got married.

4. Happier people are more likely to attract and keep a spouse. It isn't that marriage made them happy. They were already happy. If unhappy, they are more likely to get divorced and thus be counted as "unmarried."

5. Studies about this never separate out INTENTIONALLY unmarried men. Rather, all unmarried men (divorced, widowed, shacking up, hoping to get married, unable to attract a wife, etc.) are lumped together. Men who have decided to live freely can be much happier than the average husband.

Companionship? Someone who sees your blind spots? That’s what friends and dogs are for.

Is all this sad? Yes, it is. But men have to deal with things are they are, not what they wish them to be. Very few people live on rural, remote family farms now and need to birth their own farm hands with a spouse who really has no option to leave. It’s never been easier to live alone. Society is making men & women more & more interchangeable. So there’s less need for marriage.

Since most men can get everything they want without legally marrying, most who legally marry are “idiots."