Thursday, June 16, 2011

That Didn't Go Very Well

After the jump, I vent very explicitly about some issues with lovemaking in my marriage. You are warned.



I almost never get enough sleep. Usually these days, on days I'm working, I get no more than 6 hours and quite often just 5 hours, usually interrupted repeatedly by the dog or the kids or whatever. This provides a convenient excuse for my wife to kiss me and send me to bed without lovemaking. Because I need my sleep, you see. She doesn't reject me. She just behaves as though it is a given that I need to get to sleep and she needs to do her activities.

Recently, I managed to be awake enough when she finally came to bed that I was able to grab her, hold her wrists together with one of my hands (she's a slight woman, she is), order her around, and make passionate love to her while she stayed passive, even when I wasn't "forcing" her to be. She had what she claimed was the most intense orgasm she's ever had and claims she likes it when I "take charge". You see, I've usually tried to be very gentle and tender in my lovemaking.

But I don't know if I’m going to try getting so dominant again any time soon. Why? Because now I'm resentful. My male ego has been severely wounded.

Last night, I decided I was going to re-emerge from the bedroom and order her to come back into the bedroom with me and give me mercy fellatio. I should have masturbated instead. We'd both be a lot happier today if I had.

As we were getting settled and kissing and she was just about to do what seems to be a chore, I made the offer that if she ever let me ejaculate in her mouth again, I'd be willing to let her transfer it into my mouth. I don't have a burning desire to do that, but I thought perhaps it would give her a reason – curiosity – to try it, or a "good for the goose, good for the gander" sort of thing.

She was thoroughly disgusted by the idea, and then upset. She said that she thought we had agreed that it was no big deal that she no longer allows me to ejaculate in her mouth.

I didn't recall that, and I told her so.

Rather, I remember she was willing to try in the shower, but then we put that project on hold for temporary reasons that have long since gone away.

She said something about us having being married for X years now, explicitly saying that since she hasn't done it all of of this time (post wedding cake, that is), I shouldn't expect it or ask. (Which takes me back to me "taking charge"... since I mostly haven't for the X years we've been married, I guess I shouldn't do that. Or try anything else we haven't established as part of our routine.)

She then said that I was "fixated", but she took that back after I pointed out that we've been married for X years and I've asked/hinted a grand total of two of three times now.

She told me that ejaculating into her mouth would be disgusting; my semen is disgusting. She compared the substance and body function that helped create our kids and by association the moment I'm experiencing intense pleasure, to "hocking a loogie". I don't think there is a faster way to make me lose an erection or cause me to completely shut down emotionally. And again last night, without my prompting, she did note that she swallowed all three times she gave me fellatio before we married. So she can do it. She can at least keep the fellatio going through the orgasm, even if she doesn't swallow. That makes this all so much worse. (And even if she didn't do that before we married, I still would have asked some time during our marriage.)

Before leaving the room, she "apologized" that she's not as good as some of my past lovers. I replied that I had never said that. She correctly said that I've never said she's the best lover I've ever had (which she once claimed she wanted to be). She is the best kisser, and I have told her so, but no, I haven't ever lied to her by telling her she's the best lover I have ever had. I guess this is one of those lies a husband is supposed to say. Yes, during my wayward days of fornication, I did have some better loves, including some that enthusiastically gave great fellatio and swallowed consistently. At least one seemed to genuinely get off on it. Another one revealed after we were no longer active with each other that she didn't like fellatio in and of itself.

Clearly my wife's sill hurt about my history, but she knew I had a history very early on. She lied to me when she told me that wouldn't be a problem. She wouldn't call it a lie... she'd say she just didn't realize how she would feel.

What's worse is that things like this (her suddenly losing the "ability" to do something after eating wedding cake) make me wonder if much of her disability isn't psychosomatic after all. I never hint at that because I know how painful suggestions by others have been to her, even though she mentions to me some things that indicate she thinks some of it might be psychosomatic.

I know how I'm supposed to handle this as a good Christian husband. I'm supposed to never ever bring it up again, and still go on doing all of the things I do in an effort to give her the most physical and emotional pleasure I can.

But I'm tempted to respond in the following ways:

1. Not "taking charge" again. If she asks why, I'll say we were married for X years without me doing that. (So help me God if she ever has an affair and cites monotony as the reason.)

2. Pulling out/stopping intercourse before ejaculation. She claims she likes me to ejaculate insider her and requests I do – though that could be more about trying to prevent me from ejaculating anywhere else on her. Because, you know, my semen is disgusting and all. But I would pull out, and when she asks why, I'll point out that I don't "hock loogies" inside vaginas, and we already have our kids.

3. Not doing cunnilingus, and when she asks why, comparing it to licking a sweaty armpit. Of course, I like cunnilingus so much this would punish me more than her, especially since she's just fine with not having an orgasm.

The thing is, if she were to now insist that she's changed her mind, I wouldn't believe it. I wouldn't enjoy it, because I now know how she really feels, and I don't like to beg, and I won't enjoy something much if I know she is having to force herself to do it.

It is times like this that part of me is glad I fornicated, so at least I don't have to wonder what certain experiences are like.

Have you been there, too? What say you? Ladies, I know there are plenty of you who also see semen as an annoyance at best, but there are others who are different.

3 comments:

  1. Anonymous7:50 AM

    Gah. I hate fighting about sex. It's the worst!! Nothing makes you feel more worthless and spiteful.

    For me, I am so mercurial about what kind of sex I want, and when, it is truly a wonder my poor husband hasn't given up. Sometimes all I wanna do is give him pleasure (i.e. fellatio) and other times I want to feel him on top of/inside me. I like variety and he is very consistent in all aspects of life (which is a very good trait in a husband).

    I am not a fan of swallowing. He says it feels better if he if orgasms in my mouth, so I'm ok with that, but I spit it out when he is finished. No big deal. If it tasted like chocolate truffles ... sure, but it IS kinda icky. GREAT for getting babies made, not a tasty dessert.

    When a woman feels insecure about her lovemaking skills (or a man probably) they get mean and defensive. We are all very vulnerable in this area, it is extremely sensitive ground.

    We are both trying to make the other happy and be happified. All the insecurities and guilt and comparisions lurk right below the desire to be loved (physically and emotionally). When it is hinted that we might be failing in love ... the bad stuff bubbles right up.

    You are not wrong, but if you want to make it better, you could apologize for wanting something she isn't ready to try, in a sweet, sincere way. Soften her up, make her feel beautiful, needed, and eternally loved, even if she never ever swallows a single drop. Taking the pressure off might help her continue considering it. It took me about 1o years of marriage before I let my husband really try cunnilingus on me ... sometimes it takes time, and unconditional love.

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  2. Personally, I love to swallow. Still looking for a boyfriend but when I get one he's going to be one happy guy.

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  3. Good quality to have, Barbara. I'm not kidding.

    We repaired things a lot last night. Will have to write about that later.

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