Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Stop! Don't Propose!

I regret not thinking to do this before Christmas, but at least I'll get it posted before the New Year. In subsequent years I'll bump it up to repost it before Christmas.


Guys, if you're thinking about proposing as a holiday surprise or just because you think it is a romantic time of year to propose, DON'T DO IT.

Odds are, proposing is a mistake. This is a statistical fact.

Consider:

1) 33-40% of first marriages end in divorce. It is well over 50% for second marriages (70% if stepchildren are involved).

2) Enough of the other marriages are problematic enough of the time that literally, between divorce and "bad" marriages (including marriages that effectively end but don't legally divorce, or in which one spouse dies or is killed by the other before divorce could take place) most marriages are a mistake.

3) On top of that, add in the engagements that don't make it to marriage that end with drama and/or bitterness.

So, statistically, proposing is a mistake, a very big mistake.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Exiting a Relationship With a Single Mother or a Childless Shack Up


Introduction

So you've either been woken out of your stupor or the slow-building discontent has finally become too intense, and you're ready to get out of your relationship with a single mother or a childless shack up. Being with a single mother* or living with a woman brings all sorts of complications and risks. So depending on how deep you're in, there are going to be different considerations.

Men who are NOT in such relationships should read this, too, to be informed about just how much trouble being in, and getting out of, such relationships can be, so they'll be motivated to avoid them.

How deep are you in?

If you married this woman (which would mean she's not a single mother anymore) and made a baby or babies with her, that's the worst of all scenarios, especially if you have adopted her children. Unless she is abusing you or the kids, the the best thing for the children is usually to stay put and be polite and as pleasant as possible until the youngest child is 18. The problem with that, is, in some places, like the state I live in, being married for ten years or "close enough" means you'll be paying lifetime alimony to her. The bulk of this entry is addressed to guys who haven't married the woman and haven't legally adopted her children.

You need an exit plan for your own self-preservation. If she or anyone else accuses you of not being a "real man" or that you're somehow lesser because you don't want to put up with mistreatment or someone else's responsibilities any more, just let it roll off your back. Who cares what they say? This is what they're saying, when you get right down to it. "You should spend your time, money, and energy doing things for me/her so I/she can spend  more of my/her own time, money, and energy on my/herself." She might cite things she does for you, and even if she does do those things, it doesn't matter. You're not obligated to stay with her, and you can either get by without those things or get them for a lot less money, time, and effort, or with someone who is more compatible with you and brings fewer negatives to the situation. You may have some emotional discomfort over the breakup, but that would fall entirely in the realm of normal, because the relationship became familiar to you and part of your routine. The discomfort will go away and it is better in the long run to be out of that relationship.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Employed Parents

You remember the guy who did the worst Prager U video ever, based on my personal opinion and viewer reactions? It's the video that told men they should get married because they'd earn more money but neglected to mention that 1) if his wife divorced him, most of his money would go to her and lawyers, and 2) even she stay married to him, most of his money would be spent by her? Yeah.

Well a tweet by him caught my attention. It linked to a Bloomberg story carried by Yahoo claiming that having children is a bad career move for women. The text of the tweet was:
As if money is the only thing to live for
Yup. From the guy who wanted men to stop doing the things they enjoyed under the lure of "you'll make more money!"

Rebecca Greenfield reports:

Thursday, December 01, 2016

Someone Might Have Beaten That Prager U Video Advocating Marriage

The Brad Wilcox video for Prager University that was thoroughly and effectively countered early in the year wasn't enough, apparently, because some other organization did a marriage-promoting video that is just about as bad, called "Why Bother With Marriage?"
"From many points of view, marriage is a costly hassle that makes no sense. Why, then, might there still be good reasons to get married?"
Obviously, you can go watch it yourself if you want a good laugh, but if not, here's their main point:

Being married makes is harder to leave each other.

I kid you not. That's their argument.

A lot of people would see that precisely as why they shouldn't bother getting married.

They say marriage places a high and costly barrier in the way of splitting up. To a breadwinning man, this is like saying, "You should glue weights to your scrotum, because it will hurt a lot when someone comes along and rips them away." What kind of selling point is that?!? Divorce can be legally obtained unilaterally for no reason. Yeah, it's a pain for a breadwinning husband to go through a divorce, but it is financially rewarding to his wife.

Isn't it obvious by how many divorces there are that marriage isn't stopping people from splitting up?!?

And the premise requires that marriage is otherwise beneficial. The video does make a feeble attempt to say that marriage is good because it provides structure and that relationships (which they neglect to stress can exist without legal marriage) help us mature, develop, and become whole. No, really. What kind of structure are they talking about? The video even says "we lock ourselves up willingly because we don't trust ourselves." Apparently only married people develop impulse control, too.

So, if we're really, really generous to them, they're making the point that relationships are good and that getting legally married makes it more likely we'll stay in a relationship even when we really want out of it.

Hmmm.

I don't think children are mentioned at all.

At this rate, the only hope people promoting marriage have is hoping that men are masochists and/or lack critical thinking skills.