Running Game - Do Not Care

Running game isn't just about saving money, time, and effort. It is also about reducing "emotional labor," as the younger generations like to say.

Recently, a young man went to the front door of the house where his ex-girlfriend was. He ended up literally breaking in, and was immediately and fatally shot by the father of his ex. This was recorded on video.

Why was he so determined to gain access?

I don't know any the history of that relationship, nor do I know what personality or mental disorders he might have had, or his history of violence.

What I do know is that some people who have otherwise had stellar behavior have lost control of themselves when it comes to relationships, especially when there are arguments, disagreements, or breakups.

Why Men Send Unsolicited Crotch Shots

There are two basic reasons men send unsolicited crotch shots, or "d--- pics".

1) Exhibitionism has long been a thing. The stereotype used to be of the guy wearing the hat and coat flashing women in a park. Now it can be done with a smart phone.

2) Much more commonly, the "average Joe" (whether he is average down there or not) does it because he has accepted the ridiculous notion that men and women are not different.

It's quite simple, really:

Most heterosexual men would be somewhat aroused by receiving an image of a woman's genitals, even unsolicited, even if he doesn't know her, even more so if he had reason to believe it was an image of the woman who is in contact with him, and she intentionally sent it to him. (We're not talking about injured or diseased genitals, although a few guys probably have a fetish that covers that.)

As these guys would want a woman to send a picture of her genitals, they reason that since women and men are pretty much the same except for certain exterior body parts, she's likely to want to see his genitals as much has he wants to see hers.

A lot of women can't believe men think this is a good way to attract or arouse women. "Don't these men know the truth?" No, they don't, because they've been told over and over again that women are just like men, including when it comes to sex.

But the truth is out there. Extremely, and I mean extremely rare is the woman who likes getting unsolicited crotch shots from men. Heck, most women don't want crotch shots from men they're in love with, and the ones who do are more about liking that they have, according to the picture, aroused a man they care about.

Guys, she's either disgusted or she's laughing at it, and, often, sharing it with her friends so they can make fun of you.

Men and women ARE different, and it isn't just a matter of socialization. Do you think society has socialized men to want to see the genitals of other men? No, but gay males tend to have the same reaction to unsolicited crotch shots of men as heterosexual males have when it comes to those of women.


[Edited to clean up typing mistakes.]

Relief Pitcher Playing Until Jailbird Gets Out

Another day, another Dear Abby letter that is too "good" to pass up.

Brace yourselves.

STAY-AT-HOME-DAD wrote:

I am 32 and in a relationship with a 31-year-old single mother.

NO NO NO NO!!!

Her son, "Steven," is 7. Her daughter, "Jessica," is 15.

So "Mom" was pregnant by about age 16?

I am a stay-at-home dad.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAA! Of course they aren't married! He doesn't earn more than she does and she's at least smart enough not to sign a bad contract like that!

Both kids refer to me as "Dad," as I have been a part of Steven's life more than his (incarcerated) dad has ever been.

Watch her dump him and then wring child support from him, and then shack up with her stud once he gets out of prison.

Because I am a stay-at-home dad, this means I take Steven to various professional appointments, doctors, including a psychiatrist for ADHD, the dentist and various sports activities.

Yes, yes, you're a cuck.

I was informed three weeks ago Jessica is pregnant.

Of course she is! Like mother, like daughter! Provided Jessica doesn't have the child slaughtered, your shack up lover will be a 33 year-old grandma!

When I take our boy for doctor's visits, they always want guarantor information, and I always sign.

And you plan to pay with what money?

But after a recent checkup of his, I called for results and was outright lied to -- "We don't have the results back" -- and Jessica's doctor said they can't release any information to me.

Yeah, buddy, you're just the potential wallet and the free babysitter. You're not their dad. Sorry!!!

Abby, I'm in this for the long haul.

You might but is your girlfriend? Oh, it's going to be such a great situation when there's a baby, and you have to take care of the baby, and then the troubled boy gets hormonal... oh, this is going to be great. What a sucker. Wait until Jessica gets pregnant AGAIN!

If doctors will let me sign to pay their medical expenses but I can't have the results, what can I do?

PACK YOUR BAGS AND DISAPPEAR!

Dear Abby was no help, of course. She recommends birth control for Jessica. She didn't bother giving this guy a hint that he's being foolish.

Men Should Protect Themselves

I first posted this here in 2008. It holds up. Minor changes may have been made here and there.


In previous posts, I wrote about laws and policies that could level the playing field somewhat between the sexes. Although those things are possible, I do not hold out much hope for them happening. Men should do what they can to protect themselves – their wallets, their hearts, their bodies, their autonomy - based on the way things are NOW.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Come up with a plan for your life. What are your priorities? What are your goals? What is your dream? What do you want to accomplish as far as family, friends, career, and hobbies? What kind of lifestyle do you want to have?

This will determine what you do and how you do it. Plans can change, but it is important to have a plan. If you want to serve God and get married and have kids, you are going to do things differently than if it want to travel as much as possible for pleasure, or if you want to reach the top of the corporate ladder.

There is no right or wrong answer to these questions – only what you need and want out of life. Don’t let other people tell you what you need, what you want, what you like – even if that other person has a vagina and is really, really hot. Only YOU know those things. One way for you to know is to look at your life so far and figure out what you have liked and what you have not.

If you want a career, pursue that career. If your highest priority is a career, serious, exclusive relationships can slow you down. They can distract you, take your time and energy, keep you from going where you need to go, putting in the hours you need to put in, socializing for the sake of networking, etc.

Plus, the more successful you are, the more options you will have in dates/finding a partner. Marriage-minded “ladies” like the security that comes with a man who is successful. “Golddiggers” are turned on by a fat wallet. Either way, it basically boils down to $$$.

Good Intentions

I have this friend I'll call Charlie who has been a friend since something like the second grade. Actually, it wasn't until sixth grade that we got to be good friends, and after we were graduated from high school we've stayed in contact more through e-mail and social networking than anything else, but every few years we've had dinner or whatever.

Recently, he sent me a message that made me think of this:


My wife had a very good idea the last time we saw Charlie in person. She wanted to set him up with a friend of hers. Charlie and this friend have compatible careers and faith. My wife's friend is attractive and has never been married. (My wife can't figure out why, I point out that my wife has never dated her friend.)

Charlie, however, isn't open to dating. He told me he really thinks he's supposed to be with a certain woman I'll call Chrissy. Many years back, Charlie, who thinks of himself as a good Christian man, "married" Chrissy and moved her and her kids into his place. I wrote "married" because Chrissy was still legally married to the father of her children, supposedly just for benefit purposes.

Wouldn't you know it? After a few years, Chrissy ended up taking her kids and reuniting with their father, who was still her legal husband. Charlie refused to move on. Mind you, Charlie had been legally married before in a marriage that didn't last long because his wife, who was about ten years older than we are, was a control freak who couldn't handle the fact that Charlie threw her a surprise birthday party. That ended that marriage.

But back to the situation with Chrissy

So Chrissy and the kids left because Charlie was tired of divided loyalties, and Chrissy later moved out on her husband again without coming back to Charlie, but that hasn't stopped Charlie from referring to her kids, who have a father, as his kids, travelling to see them, having them come for visits, etc... and for keeping his heart fixated on Chrissy (who is NOT some beautiful prize, mind you).

But wait... it gets better.

One of Chrissy's daughter had a friend I'll call Allison who a bad home life, so Chrissy took her in. When Charlie was returning one of Chrissy's kids to her, he met Allison. Since he treated Chrissy's kids like his own, he agreed to treat Allison like one of his own (he has no biological or adopted kids of his own). Allison has referred to him as dad ever since.

Allison went back to her parents, and Charlie and Allison kept in contact. Charlie went to visit and Allison and her parents. They later sent Allison to visit Charlie. Allison didn't want to go back home, but she did after she and Charlie talked about the possibilities, and Charlie sent a letter to her parents asking if he could take care of Charlie. Her parents sent her back to Charlie.

Charlie wrote to me and told me that he has "assumed custody" of Allison.

I wrote back a blunt reponse, part of which is below:

What do you think the average (not YOU, the average) social worker, police officer, prosecutor, judge, jury member, or TV news viewer would think if they heard that a single heterosexual man... “assumed custody” of an unrelated, troubled 16-year-old girl whose family lives halfway across the country?

And...

What does “assumed custody” mean? Is there a legal contract? Official sanction from state/local governments? Approval from a licensed social worker?

There's a reason people legally marry and build a nest before raising children or foster parenting. As you noted, it is hard being a single parent. (It is hard enough being a married parent.) You can’t provide Allison with enough supervision, especially given her background, and she’s at high risk to end up pregnant within the next couple of years.

Charlie has not responded, and it has been a while. The age of consent in our state is 18, by the way. I'm pretty sure Charlie was a virgin until well after high school, and he may just not have a grasp on the reality of the situation.

I do not believe his intentions are for ill, but as the saying goes, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I would not be the least surprised if Allison has or develops a crush on Charlie, or if her parents were to screw him over. Charlie wants to stay connected to Chrissy and play the hero, and that is what he's doing here. For whatever reason, he doesn't want healthy, available women. He wants projects. The problem is, this a very risky situation and I can't think of any professional advice-giver saying this is a good idea. Dr. Laura would name which chapters in her book Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives Charlie is doing. He has given no idication that his parents or sister, or anyone else, has told him this is a bad idea.

I pray this doesn't end up a train wreck.

Getting Longer

This is one of those posts I figure is best offer a warning about. I'm talking about recent news about "male enhancement". Click through if you want to read about it.

He Must Like Chaos

I would have loved to have heard this guy call in to Dr. Laura. DEVOTED IN BLOOMINGTON, MINN. wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm in love with a woman named "Camille" who has three children from three different fathers.

What exactly is the appeal? If you’re looking for a wife, this isn’t the right woman. If you’re primarily looking for sex, this isn’t the right woman. If you’re looking to pay to raise the children of other men, go right ahead.

She has never been married.

Well, at least she didn’t contribute to the high divorce rate.

She also has a male "friend" whom she has her children calling "Daddy" even though he's not.

How many more red flags do you need?!?

I have loved Camille for 20 years, and our paths recently crossed again.

Ah, you’re delusional and a masochist. The picture is getting more clear now.

When I first meet her, she had only one child.

That was one too many. She should have stopped with one and raised that child, not dealt with a revolving door of desperate men who should have found some other warm place to put it.

Camille says she loves me and wants us to be married, but I'm having a hard time accepting that all of these children's fathers will be part of our life -- as well as the "friend."

Well then I guess it isn't going to happen, is it? You haven't mentioned if you've ever been married or have any kids.

Can a psychologist help me get past this?

This is beyond psychologist level. Try a psychiatrist (you know, with an "M.D." after their name). Or maybe you need a really good hooker. Better yet, consult an exorcist.

Even Dear Abby responded:

I don't know. But before you take this relationship further, you should definitely see one.

Sheesh. Guys like that are the suckers that keep knocking up these never-married mothers. Those poor kids.

The Latest Shark Attack on Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I used to listen to Howard Stern. I've read his books. I've seen his movie. We even have at least one mutual friend. Listening to his show allowed me to listen to other shows, because of the 20-minute marathon commercial breaks. When he left terrestrial radio for satellite, I figured I would keep up on his show by reading recaps on the fan sites, as I wasn't motivated to pay for radio. Turns out the overwhelming majority of his listeners weren't motivated to pay for radio, either. Turns out I wasn't motivated enough to even read the recaps. In my life, just as in the larger pop culture, Stern's relevance has become a faint shadow of what it had been.

In my case, it can probably chalked up to maturing. Nationally, it is not just his move to pay radio, but also TV shows like Jersey Shore and other "reality" shows essentially doing his show on television. Stern's stuff is very funny to adolescent boys, at least the first few times they hear it. When he was a struggling father and long-married husband who made fun of others for getting drunk, and fought with his boss, people could identify with him. But that all changed. I most enjoyed Robin Quivers' news, and I'm a sucker for parody,so I enjoyed those aspects of the show even as I vehemently disagreed with some of the things Stern said or some of his tone.

There is radio for which I'm willing to pay. I started paying so I could get Dr. Laura’s podcasts, just before she announced she was changing the nature of and base for her show by moving to pay radio.

If you haven't heard yet, Howard Stern's prankster fans did a shark attack on Dr. Laura's show yesterday, apparently trashing the second and third hour so horribly that they weren't podcasted (at least not when I downloaded the first hour). They called with bogus calls, made cryptic and not-so cryptic references to Stern's show, and called Dr. Laura Anglo-Saxon words you can't hear on terrestrial radio because the FCC will fine the broadcaster into oblivion.

Stern has loyal, hardcore fans who, living with their parents and collecting checks from the government, have nothing better to do with their time than play toadie for the bully. If they can get their rude verbal assaults rebroadcast on Stern's show as Stern points out what his toadies did to another show, it is the highlight of their year. If Stern doesn't explicity organize and direct these assaults, he certainly encourages them.

There's no winning this sort of thing. Dr. Laura is on the air fewer hours of the day than Stern. Her show is about helping people, not tearing down others. Her listeners are busy working, loving their spouses, and raising their kids. Stern's toadies (a small subset of his listeners) have a lot of free time, stunted emotional development, and a fixation on insults and offensive disruption.

I'm not sure if there is a way to get Stern to stop attacking Dr. Laura on the air, and thus getting the toadies to stop. Has he made a specific demand? I haven't been playing close attention to Stern for many years now, but based on what he used to say and what scant scraps I've read more recently, my guess is that he attacks Dr. Laura because she teaches things like "It's wrong to kill an innocent human being for any reason other than self-defense", her propogating the ideal of saving sex for marriage, and for her past problems with the content of Stern's show and movie, especially now that she has done what he did – moved to satellite to avoid attacks on advertisers. Stern probably feels like she either should have stuck up for him during his battles in the past or shut up about her battles now.

But there is a difference. Stern's show, and related problems, had to do with pushing racy content for titillation. Dr. Laura's show, and related problems, had to do with instilling morals and ethics. If Stern truly can't see the difference, then he has a serious problem.

I'm interested in seeing how Dr. Laura handles this major shark attack. Is there a way to resolve it without a face-to-face broadcasted meeting between Dr. Laura and Howard Stern? Would Dr. Laura agree to such a thing? I wonder what their "bosses" at Sirius XM think about all of this?

Daughters Need Their Fathers

GIRL IN NEED IN BALTIMORE wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have a big problem. My father refuses to spend time with me. He is a firefighter and says he has a busy schedule. I understand that. But when he has extra time, he will find anything else to do. I tried talking to him -- it was like talking to a brick wall.

She's right. This is a problem. A girl's relationship with her father is very important. We aren't told her age. She doesn't indicate the relationship was ever different. But if it was, and if she's entered puberty, it could be her father not knowing how to handle that. I was reading recently that some fathers will stop hugging their daughters or start to avoid them when puberty hits, because the fathers are uncomfortable with the fact that their daughter is starting to look and feel like a the very kind of thing that turns a man on – a grown woman. Throw in that there are some corners of society where every grown man, and especially a father, is considered a possible predator of girls, and you have a recipe for distance.

On the other hand, the guy could be an all-around self-centered jerk.

My mom has comforted me a lot, but I feel there is something missing in my life.

Your mom needs to step up. First of all, if she did marry a self-centered jerk, she needs to admit it and apologize to you, and find you some strong, positive male role models, like a coach. If this is a matter of discomfort with his girl growing up, she needs to ask herself if she has contributed to that. Has the husband/father been made aware of some father-daughter problem in mom's family, and he is overcompensating for that by trying to avoid contact? If this is a matter of dad being uncomfortable, mom needs to tell him how badly his daughter needs his attention, and how it is okay to hug his daughter and spend time with her and how to actively listen in a way his daughter will know he's listening.

What you could also have here is a guy who didn't want a daughter. Or maybe he didn't want kids at all. It is possible the mother knew that before she ever got pregnant.

I wanted kids, including a daughter. Still, I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't have remained childless and perhaps even unmarried, because so much of what I like to do is solitary. I like reading, I like writing, I like watching movies and television that might not be good for minors to watch. But I know my kids need me. So some things I like to do have to be put on hold or missed entirely beause I need to be there for them. And even though I do recognize this, I still feel like I'm falling short.

Just the other day, I got back in touch with a friend of mine I wrote about in this previous entry. He's still with his girlfriend. He told me that his daughter "understands" that he sent more cash for Christmas presents rather than visiting her in person. I'm sure he daughter would rather see him. She probably also "understands" that the girlfriend was a recipient of his Christmas generosity, So really, he could have visited his daughter if he wasn't spending money he barely haves on a woman young enough to be his daughter.

I haven't seen him since he returned to town. It isn't going to be very comfortable if my wife and I bump into him, especially if his girlfriend is with him.

Why Schoolkids Shouldn’t Date Exhibit 312

This girl shows exactly why most minors are way too young to have an exclusive study, or in a lot of cases, any dates.

DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM IN THE U.S.A. wrote in to Dear Abby with something she should not have had to ask someone else about:

My boyfriend is pressuring me to take his camera cell phone with me into the girls' locker room and take pictures of the other girls with little or nothing on.

In doing so, you'd be breaking several laws, not to mention violating the trust of your classmates.

He says it has always been a "fantasy" of his, and that if I really love him I'll help him fulfill his fantasy.

No, loving someone means doing what is best for them. You'd be making a criminal out of him in addition to yourself if you went along with this. Really loving him would be going to his parents and telling them he needs serious help. The tactic he's trying on you demonstrates that he does not love you.

He promises to keep the pictures secret and says that what the other girls don't know won't hurt them.

His promise means nothing, since you can't even trust him – what would he do to those other girls? What they don't know can certainly hurt them, and there are many examples of that I'm sure you can think of on your own. Even if he really would keep the pictures secret, that still wouldn't make it okay, and the pictures could still get out to others through mistakes, hacking, and theft.

He offered to do the same for me and take pictures in the boys' locker room, but I'm not interested.

He thinks that makes it better. and hopes it will make it all okay in your mind. It makes it worse.

I know it would be wrong to do it, and I wouldn't want someone secretly taking pictures of me.

So why is there a question here?

He hinted that if I refuse he will look for another girl who will.

Tell that to his parents.

I'm scared of losing him because I'm not much to look at, and he's the only boy who has ever shown any interest in me.

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that looks do matter - that's just reality. But I'll get to that in a minute. Let's assume for the sake of argument that you're ugly and you won't get another date in a long time. So what? It is better to have your integrity rather than a criminal record and all of the other girls justifiably upset with you. Better to be ugly and clean rather than ugly and a criminal. Better to be ugly and dateless rather than ugly and stuck with a creep. You should be focusing on your studies anyway, not dealing with this drama.

But there will be other guys, and you're probably much more attractive than you think. And if you aren't, you can and likely will be in a few years. Some of the hottest women in the world were teased in school for being "not much to look at". You're still maturing. And there's probably some classmates of yours – decent guys – who would ask you out as soon as they found out you weren't stuck with this creep anymore.

You're going to get more attractive outside – and inside, if you do what is right.

You are so much better off letting this creep go – actually, dumping him. Dump him.In the long run, you'll feel so much better that you did.

Actually, I would consider filing a complaint with the police. I would not be surprised if this guy has taken pictures of you without your knowledge. At least make it clear to him that if any such pictures exist, they'd better be deleted immediately. If the police seize his stuff, they can find the pictures and get them out of his hands.

Now, on the flip side, a good number of those girls probably have taken pictures of themselves and sent them around already, or would send him pictures of he showed them a little attention. So he should already be able to get enough of his fix if it is really about seeing flesh. But it is probably more about violating someone else. Also, in some states, he can walk in there himself. If anyone tries to stop them, he can claim he's trangendered, and threaten to sue if he is stopped.

Dear Abby's advice was perfect.

Orphaned by Lousy Fathering

Here's another example of why parents of minor children should not bring new honeys into the life of their child until the children is grown. SILENT TEEN IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 14-year-old girl living with my grandmother. My mom died when I was 7 and my father is now remarried.

Ouch. She loses her mother and then her father takes up with someone else.

He and my stepmom have two children together.

You know where that leaves her!

My problem is my stepmother and I don't get along. I try to be friendly, but she hardly speaks to me or my grandmother. I understand that some people are quiet by nature and I am one of them, but my grandmother and I agree that her behavior is rude -- especially because we have done nothing to provoke it.

How can people do this to the children they've already made? Look, I’m as horny as the next guy – maybe even more so. But c'mon - you gotta put the kid you already have before sex with a new woman and making more kids. Having children is volutary, and leaving decisions about God out of it, the biggest decision a person can make in their life is to have children. It changes everything. Even a marriage you can end with divorce, but you can't take back being a mother or father, if only biologically and morally. You don't make a baby, keep that baby, and then do this kind of crap to your baby.

I sometimes get the feeling my stepmother doesn't want me to see my father.

She may not. She sees you as competition to her children, and you are also a reminder that her husband used to be married to someone else and had sex with another woman. Some women can’t handle that.

Every time he comes to visit at my grandmother's she calls, and then he has to leave.

No, he chooses to leave. He chooses to leave so he will continue to get sex, have access to his other children, and not have to pay alimony.

My grandmother and I love their two children and they have come to recognize us. However, we don't get to see them very often. I believe my stepmother may be the reason for this as well.

Your father accommodates it.

What can we do to improve the situation?

Not much. When you do have contact with your half siblings, be nice to them. If you have any other relatives you can spend time with, cozy up to them. At least you and your grandmother have each other.

Dear Abby agrees that there is nothing she can do and that the father has responsibility.

Your father married a woman who appears to be possessive, insecure and unable to empathize with anyone she can't control. You are a reminder that your father had a wife and a life before she came into it, and she views that as a threat.

Yup.

Your father could straighten her out -- but it appears she holds the power in their relationship.

Of course she has the power. That the reality of the law, courts, and culture. The only time a married father has the power in a marriage is when the wife lets him have the power, or he doesn't care if she takes his kids and earnings away.

Recently we were gleefully informed that my sister-in-law(my wife's sister)'s husband's sister is now planning to remarry. She has two young sons and neither one of them gets along with her hubby-to-be, and the bride to be tells us they plan on trying for a child together immediately. Maybe they'll beat the odds and it won't be a train wreck. But my wife and I are cringing. The difference for the letter-writer is that she doesn’t have to live with the stepmother, while these boys will be living with the stepfather.

Stewart's Rod Still Working

At least, that's the presumption.

Hey, I give 65-year-old Rod Stewart credit for his career longevity, catchy tunes, beating cancer, and his charity work. And I don't begrudge him a younger honey – just as I think it would be just fine for a 65-year-old-woman to snag a 39-ish guy.

But I do think it is highly irresponsible for him to be making babies at his age. This story gives no indication that he's married to Penny Lancaster, but according to the always reliable Wikipedia, they are married. So at least this latest kid they are having together is being born into a marriage.

Stewart should get a DNA test on both kids. And a vasectomy. This kid's dad is going to be freakin' 65 and it isn't even like the kid is going to have some young full-of-energy mommy. Oh well, I'm sure the nannies will be a big help.

Enough already, Rod!

And another thing. These stories always say the couple is so happy about having the kid. Of course. You're never going to see in People Magazine something like, "The old man married to the hot young woman tells us that he's really upset. He has grown children already and certainly didn't get remarried to have more. He's already making alternative arrangements for sex. He told her to get an abortion, but she didn't want to 'have my baby ripped into pieces.'" And yes, I'm glad they're not killing the baby.

Bait and Switch

Looking to the Future wrote in to Dear Margo:

My husband and I are in our late 20s and have been married nearly five years. It’s been a fairly good and happy marriage.

Great.

Before we got married, we agreed that we would move to my home state (a 12-hour drive away) in five or six years, and also that we would have children in that same timeframe. Now that the five-year mark is fast approaching, my husband is getting cold feet. He is happy with the life we have and doesn’t particularly want children - too much responsibility and money and too many obstacles to being able to go out with friends on a whim, etc. He is also now firmly against moving.

He committed fraud. Very rotten of him. Well, I suppose there's a slim chance that he truly wanted those things and, over time, his mind has changed.

When I bring up that he agreed to these things, he says, "But at the time, five years seemed so far away."

Yeah, so did death, but he vowed faithful marriage until then, didn't he?

Even though I’m fairly happy now and I do love him, I feel I will get more sad and depressed with each passing year, and I’m having thoughts that maybe I should leave him now so I have time to move home, find someone else and have children instead of wasting more time.

Yes, leave him now. Maybe he really isn't all that happy with you. If he is happy now, he won't be once you start doing certain things (and not doing others) because you'll be resenting him. Leaving him will free you up to look for a new husband, one who is right for you. There's no guarantee you'll find one. But the husband you have now doesn't seem to be the right one.

Do not try to get him to change his mind, or go ahead and get pregnant. If someone doesn’t really want children, there is no compromise. Now, as Dear Margo pointed out, do a gut check and see if those things are important enough to you to leave what you see as a happy marriage. Do you really want those things? Don't try to convince yourself that you don't if you really do. And if you do really want those things, and he doesn't, then you should leave.

I speak as someone with experience. No, I never married the wrong person. But I did spend years with girlfriends I couldn't marry if I wanted to keep my goals, and there was a time when I was unmarried and did a gut check and asked myself if I really did want to be a husband & father or not. Either he wants children or he doesn't.

High School Girl Needs a Lesson in Reality

Ah, the drama of schoolgirl romances. This is one of many examples of where a frank talk with a good father would be very helpful. TEEN IN MERCED, CALIF wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm 17 and have been dating "Raymond" for two years.

If you've been seeing him exclusively, that's not good. You are too young for that kind of relationship, unless you live in the boonies in one of those towns were everyone goes to the same church, and you have no desire to ever leave. I don't think Merced qualifies.

The thing that concerns me is we aren't supposed to be attracted to other people, but I think he is.

Where in the world did you get the idea that you aren't supposed to be attracted to other people? Of course he is attracted to other people. If you aren't, something might be wrong.

During arguments he has thrown other girls in my face.

You mean he picks them up and throws them in your face? Wow!

Okay, so I think what you mean is that he mentions other girls. If he is about your age, this is an example of how he is too young to be an exclusive boyfriend.

That really hurt, and I can't get over it.

Then dump him. He's not ready.

I think he's attracted to other girls, but he doesn't want me to be attracted to other guys.

We get it – you are both immature. He doesn't want to hear you talking about other guys. He doesn't have to know what you are thinking.

Can you please give me some advice?

Break up.

I'd really like to know what's going on inside his head.

You asked for it...

1. Hot women
2. What hot women look like naked
3. Sex with those women
4. What women he's seen in person look like naked
5. Sex with those women
6. I wish she would shut up.
7. Will my favorite team win it all this year?
8. How can I get around that one sticking point in [insert name of favorite game here]?
9. I hope that they make another sequel to [insert popcorn action movie title here], only good.
10. Damn, those are some cool wheels. I want to get one of those!
11. Is there a meaning to life?

Are his eyes for me only?

No. Get used to it. A more mature and experienced guy who really cares about your feelings will do his best to avoid mentioning that fact that he still enjoys the sight of other women, but at least for the next several years, the guys you date won't be very good at hiding it.

Dear Abby responded:

It's normal for men -- and women, by the way -- of all ages to be attracted to people other than their mate. However, those with good character resist the urge to act on it.

Exactly.

You became involved with Raymond at a very young age, which has prevented both of you from having the normal kinds of dating experiences that are supposed to happen in high school.

For some people, it isn’t normal to date in high school at all.

Kyle Nachreiner - What a Lack of Remorse Looks Like

There was a high-profile criminal case in Orange County, California several years back as three young guys who where politically connected were caught on tape sexually assaulting a girl. Now, one of the convicted criminals was foolish enough to be interviewed, photographed, and videotaped for a story in the Orange County Register, so that he could complain that being registered and labeled as “sex offender” is unfair. Break out the air violins for his situation.

"I went from being in the paper for playing varsity baseball as a freshman to being in the paper for a rape case,'' he says.

Yeah, you blew it. You had a really great launching pad to the rest of your life, and you threw it away.

On July 5, 2002, when he was 17, Nachreiner and two other male teenagers, Gregory Haidl and Keith Spann, sexually assaulted a seemingly unconscious teenage girl in the Corona del Mar home of Haidl's father, then-Assistant Sheriff Don Haidl.

I should note that Haidl was pretty much a political appointee by a Sheriff who has been subsequently criminally convicted himself.

The trio videotaped the episode, a 21-minute movie that shows the friends laughing as they shove a pool cue, a lit cigarette, a juice can and Snapple bottle inside the girl as she lay intoxicated on a pool table.

Geniuses.

In 2006, they were each sentenced to six years in prison.

All three are adults now and out of prison, having served less time because none of the sex offenses were found to be forcible. Last month, they lost their appeal to the California Fourth District Court of Appeal to overturn their convictions and the requirement that they register as lifelong sex offenders.

So they got out early, but he is still pushing his luck.

Nachreiner, though, may appeal his case to the state Supreme Court. He says it is unfair for him to endure the punishment of being tagged as a sex offender until he dies.

"I served my time. I went to prison. Now, I'm stuck with that label."

Yeah, that's how the sex offender registry works.

"Psychologically, it's devastating. It's the worst form of degradation there is."

What an incredibly stupid and callous thing to say, given what someone else has suffered by his actions.

He says he was very drunk, and that alcohol impaired his judgment.

And did somebody force those drinks down your 17-year-old throat?

"I'm responsible for behaving how I did. For hanging out with people I didn't trust ... For being ignorant. She's responsible for going there, for bragging that she's a porn star."

She's responsible for some bad judgment. That does not mean she deserved to be gang-raped.

"I don't believe for one second she was unconscious,'' he says.

Even if she wasn't, and it is hard to believe she wasn't, given what was being stuck in her, you still did a horrible thing. The defense lawyers attempted to slime the victim, too, and he does too...

When asked if he knew what he was doing at the time was wrong, he pauses before answering.

"Had it been any other girl, maybe."

BZZZZZ. Wrong. It was wrong to do to ANYONE. For example, you can bet that if prison guards did it to HIM after he was convicted, they would be prosecuted themselves, and this guy would be suing the county/state.

The three were tried as adults and were almost victorious at their first trial. That trial ended in a deadlocked jury.

Faced with a mistrial, Orange County prosecutors decided to deal. They offered Nachreiner, Haidl and Spann a plea bargain that would have landed each of them in prison for 18 months. But the defendants refused, rolling their dice and going to trial again.

Bad move.

In March 2005, the second jury convicted the defendants of multiple counts of sexual penetration with a foreign object by intoxication. Nachreiner was acquitted of rape and two counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object.

I'm glad they were convicted.

Nachreiner was the one who inserted the pool cue into a limp Jane Doe, both in her vagina and anus. At other times, Nachreiner is dancing, flashing gang signs and mugging for the camera.

Real quality behavior.

Nachreiner was 23 when he got out of Chuckawalla Prison on June 18, 2008. He moved to Big Bear, and worked as a ski lift attendant.

That November, he was arrested for drunken driving. The DUI charges eventually were dismissed, and he pleaded guilty to reckless driving. But he was sent back to prison for five months because of the parole violation. He got out of Chino Prison in April 2009, and moved in with his aunt.

Keep it going.

As with his other jobs, he hasn't told this employer about his criminal record.

Hmmmm, do you think they'll find out? Is that even legal – for him to withhold that information?

Hundreds of comments have been left after the story on the paper's website, most tearing Nachreiner a new one.

My advice to this guy:

1. Shut up. Stop talking until you fully realize why what you did was wrong.
2. Drop the appeals.
3. Behave yourself. You don't want to get arrested again or go back to jail. You don't want to be on parole or probation.
4. Get on your knees and beg the good Lord for forgiveness. Find a good church.
5. Use legal intermediaries to beg your victim for forgiveness.
6. Explain to the media how you were wrong and tell them how you've changed.
7. Work, pay your taxes, and get involved in some form of charity.

Maybe your life can be redeemed.

[UPDATE November 2017: This post is from April of 2010. Comments on this person continue to trickle in, with people claiming to know him now. I don't think it is fair to post negative comments about how he is now, because he's not in the news anymore. If he gets in trouble with the law again, then of course I'll publish more comments on that. If you want to keep ME updated and share your experiences with ME, you can still write those in the comment window. I'm not not likely to publish them. It is my sincere hope that everyone involved in this matter is, or becomes, a positively contributing member of society.]

Stay With Your Husband and Act Like a Wife

Time to check in on Dear Margo again.

DAZED wrote:

I am a married mother of three. My husband loves me and we have a nice life. Unfortunately, I no longer love him.

Of course not. After all, he loves you. That's boring!

I am in love with a man who is five years younger. (He is also married with a child.) We both married for the wrong reasons.

Too late now! You made babies.

Whatever free time we have we spend together

Free time? You have "free time" with a husband, three kids, and a job? The time you should be spending rejuvenating so that you can be a good wife and mother are spent carrying of this affair.

and he has helped me both financially and professionally.

Whore. (It's okay to use that word... it is Biblical.)

He's in the same situation: He does not love his wife, but doesn't want to leave because of his child.

Not to mention the alimony and child support! Oh, and right now, he gets to have sex with both of you.

I don't want to leave, either, because of how devastating it would be for the children. I am torn and don't know what to do.

How about:
1. Stop fornicating with this guy.
2. Stop seeing the guy at all.
3. Love your husband.
4. Mother your kids.
5. Quit your job, which could be key to steps 1-4.

I know he loves me; this is not just a simple affair.

You both loved your spouses, too, supposedly. You only "love" each other because you aren't obligated to each other.

We have so much in common and the same outlook on life.

Yeah, you are both adulterous fornicators.

I can talk to him about anything and be myself when I’m around him … not possible with my husband.

When "being yourself" means cheating, then I can see how that could be a problem for your husband. And talking is what your girlfriends are for.

I sometimes want to end it with him because I feel I should work on my marriage, but when I do try, it is clear things are broken beyond repair.

Really? I haven't read one word about her husband being an abuser, absent, an addict, or an adulterer. In fact, she wrote that her husband loves her. So if "things are broken" it is largely her doing, and she can change that. They aren't broken beyond repair – she just tells herself that so she won't feel as guilty.

I wonder how many of the kids are even her husband's? How many does he know aren't his, and how many does he think are his but aren't? Regardless, sounds like he is a better father to them than she is a mother.

Dear Margo responded:

The real key is whether or not your marriage would respond to "work." I do know that with a lover in the picture it is next to impossible to concentrate on one’s marriage. On the other hand, if there is absolutely no repair possible and you and this man have this wonderful connection, you could either keep the affair going (difficult, emotionally) or realize that divorce need not mean abandoning parental duties and roles.

Cut the crap. Divorce hurts kids and makes it harder for both parents to fulfill their parental obligations.

You would not be the first couple to undo a damaged marriage.

And if I decided to go on a killing spree, I wouldn't the first person either. What kind of advice is that?!?

Another consideration is, what are these various children seeing and feeling at home? If there is frost or fighting, that is not so great for kids, either.

She can change that if she wants.

Try to determine if the sex and secrecy are what’s fueling this romance.

Really, how could she trust ever her adultery buddy? Oh wait, I can answer that. Because she has the one and only magic vagina, so he would never betray her the way he's betraying his current wife. That's called DELUSION.

Is there guilt?

What difference does that make? If there isn't it just means she's a sociopath and perhaps should warn her husband that she is.

My responses would be the same if the adulterous guy had been the one writing in. That guy is a creep.

When Worldviews Strain Friendships

I have a friend who has left his wife and his daughter for a younger honey.

I should explain the extent of the friendship.

We had a common interest (essentially a hobby, not anything deep) starting when we were teenagers that lasts to this day. We met and kept in touch because of that common interest, hanging out together doing activities more or less related to that interest. Since we were not in school together and didn't live too close to each other, it wasn’t like there was the issue of making sure we were in the same sorts of cliques.

We became friends about the time we were both establishing our distance from families of origin, so it wasn't like we hung out with each other's families. It wasn't a problem that I became full-time university student and he didn't go to college at all.

He eventually found a woman he wanted to marry. She lived out of town. We (his friends) told him that he didn't need to leave town to be with this woman, but he insisted – the plan at the time, at least from what he said, was to eventually move back to town together. It never happened. He moved to where she was to shack up with her (not something I would do) and eventually marry her. I attended the wedding with my girlfriend at the time, and there had even been some talk about me being one of the groomsmen, but that didn't turn out to be necessary.

They had a daughter. They had actively sought to get pregnant (they had no qualms about using contraception).

I visited their city (by then I was unattached again) and crashed at their place for a few nights. He was one of my (many) groomsmen when I married, and his daughter was a flower girl. They gave us a great wedding present. They also let us crash at their place for a night when we visited their new city to which they'd moved.

It is when you do things like get married and have kids that rubber meets the road when it comes to your worldview. My friend and I do not share the same worldview. We don’t believe the same things about God, the Bible, life, and death. We don't share political views. We don't make the same lifestyle choices – and when you’re in your relatively carefree bachelor days, as long as nobody is terminally ill or engaging in crime, such differences don’t really matter all that much. I can be friends with him even though he would never want to go to church with me. I can be friends with him even if he votes in direct contrast to every vote I make. Nor does he make our friendship contingent on me agreeing with him.

But when you talk marriage, children, family (or even crime) – you are talking about how you treat other people.

I had refused to get married unless I found the right woman. "Right woman" didn't mean "I'm attracted to her, she's attracted to me, and what more do we need?" It meant we were fundamentally compatible – our goals, our priorities, or personalities, our lifestyles, etc. We were attracted to each other in body, soul, and spirit.

I also knew that once I married, it was no longer between me and God. It was between me, my wife, and God – not in that order. Likewise, when we decided to have a child, we knew that our lives could never be the same because our priority for at least 18 years would have to be that child (and any siblings – with the clock being reset with each kid).

I'm convinced that, absent actual danger, I should stay with my wife no matter how miserable my marriage gets (thankfully, it is great), at least until our youngest child is 18, and I should model a peaceful and loving home to them, even if I don’t feel like it. That's because my children should come before my personal happiness. And should things go sour, I can probably help make them better with such an attitude and commitment.

Which takes me back to my friend. I don't know his wife's side of the story. All I know is what he tells me. And he tells me that his marriage was hell from "I do". If that's true, I suspect things were bad before, but he chose to ignore them and get married anyway. I would attribute part of that to the fact that he never established himself, always living with a woman – first his mother up through most of his 20s, and then with the woman he ended up marrying (his mother getting remarried and moving, forcing him to find new living arrangements, was probably a factor in him moving in with the woman he did). His jobs never lasted more than a few years, and most of them were McJobs anyway. It seemed like he would inevitably go from being excited about the latest job to being thoroughly disillusioned, usually burning bridges at the end. Mind you, he does have some real talent. He's just never made a living using it, usually trying to get a "day job" so he can keep toying in his off-hours with his talent.

And even though his marriage was "hell" from "I do" (something I had no idea about), he went on to intentionally impregnate her. He chose to make a baby within that marriage.

About a year ago, I started noticing a change in him. Since we lived in different cities, it was hard to get the real picture. He denied having an affair, but did say there were some problems in his marriage. I would expect there would be, with him going from job to job and pissing money away on a vice and wanting to spend time and money on a pet project of his that never seemed to go anywhere. His wife was probably thinking, "Either do it right or give it up and stop wasting time and money." Plus, there was the matter of moving to that new city, taking her away from her family and not getting any closer to his.

Finally, several months ago, he announced that he was leaving his wife and returning to town. He claimed that things were just too dysfunctional and that it was causing his daughter to act out. He tried to leave with his daughter, but his wife prevented him from doing so by calling the authorities. So, he left without his daughter. He left a job for a possible job, which he got, but it didn’t last due to the recession. He was able to crash at a place owned by his mother. His wife and child returned to where her family lives.

We've discussed things since his move back to town. I urged him to at least go live near his daughter. He hates that city too much, he said. I also told him that even if he is sure he will not get back together with his wife, he should avoid dating and especially getting into another relationship, because he isn't going to make the best decisions in that area right now.

Well, after I put the pieces together, I realized he had been having an affair with someone in town for about the past year. He finally came clean about that. He swears his marriage was dead long ago, and that he and his wife didn’t even share a room for the past few years, and that his new young thing wasn't the reason for him leaving his wife. He says that, without this new young thing, he would likely be dead - another example of how his worth is tied up in the woman in his life instead of seeing himself as a child of God.

Even granting all of that – he chose to make a baby with his wife, and I believe he has an obligation to his child, even if he feels that his wife broke their vows long ago.

We discussed things more, with me urging him again to go live near his daughter because she needs her father. He can probably get a real career in that city by using his connections. He doesn’t want to pull his new honey away from her family. He ended the discussion by saying that his daughter would understand and that he refuses to live in that city. So, the bottom line is that he ditched his daughter for the new honey, or that he hates that city more than he loves his daughter. He doesn't have a job or family or housing keeping him here (his mother lost her rental property she was letting him use). He isn't willing to pull his new honey away from her family but he’s letting being here for her pull him away from his daughter. Oh, his daughter will understand alright. She will understand that her daddy left her – and if what he says about his wife and her family is true, he left her with people who have serious problems.

Out of all of the mistakes I have made in my life, thank God I haven't made this one.

I can't help but think part of the reason he fails to see how much his daughter needs him is that he really wasn’t raised with his own father.

And now he's told me that "when the time is right" he will have more children with this new young honey. I pointed out to him that this young girl got involved with a married father who is broke and jobless, and that doesn't bode too well. Of course, he refuses to see the problem there – of course she fell for him, and to imply this may have been due to something being wrong with her is an insult to his ego, so it is ignored.

I want to kick him in the crotch until I'm sure he will not be complicating his daughter's life with any half-siblings that get to live with her father while she doesn't get to. I wonder if his estranged wife will be giving his daughter half-siblings, or exposing her to a bunch of men coming in and out of her life? Why would my friend consider making more children when he isn't able to care for the one he already has?

The situation makes me sick.

And it is an example of how it is easy to have "diverse" friends when life is about having fun and maybe studying or starting a career, but the conflicts in worldviews make it harder to maintain those friendships when spouses and children and innocent people are getting hurt, and when you speak out about it you are met with cries of being judgmental.

It is easy for me to say my friend is doing a bad thing. I have a happy marriage and it is easy for me to go home to my wife and child (in no small part, I'm convinced, because of what I did differently than my friend). But I can't imagine I would ever abandon my daughter no matter what my wife did.

I am someone's daddy. That comes before a job, before good sex, before ego stroking, before preferring to live one place as opposed to another. You may have also heard the saying "bros before hos" (what do women say – chicks before dicks?). Well, I put the well-being of a child ahead of patting a friend on the back and saying, "whatever makes you feel good."

When Messed Up People Become Inappropriately Attached

Sadly, I write from experience.

FLUMMOXED AND SAD wrote in to Dear Margo:

Last February I met an amazing woman online.

Meeting online is NOT the same as meeting in person. It can facilitate meeting in person, but it isn't the same as doing it. I say this as someone who has made pen pals online. Yes, there is a kind of interaction there, but do not confuse it with an in-person relationship.

We have been talking ever since, and we have met. On those occasions, we
have been intimate.

So you have a pen pal that you fornicate with.

In many ways I feel I've found someone with whom I feel safe.

Interesting. What does that say about you that it takes someone who is at a distance and interacts with you mostly through controlled communications for you to feel safe?

However, I have always had many friends of the opposite sex.

Which translates to: One of us is not attracted to the other (that is, if they are not fornicating).

Recently, my best one, who lives locally, has been dealing with some personal issues. As a friend, I was spending time with her, babysitting for her and listening to her without the judgment she was receiving from her family.

Sounds like you are the “nice guy” who she gets to do things for her while she goes out with other guys, who aren’t so nice. Like the guy who knocked her up.

The problem is that I have been open about my friendships and what I do on a
day-to-day basis. Now the woman I love is feeling betrayed, which has put a dent
in my long-distance relationship with the woman I feel a complete love for.

Ugh. She has no right to tell you what to do – only the right to tell you under what conditions she’ll continue to carry on with you. She is essentially a pen pal, and for you to get so hung up on her shows that something is wrong with you.

Now I am trying to make her feel comfortable with a friendship that has never been inappropriate or intimate. She says she just needs time. In the meantime, I have become a recluse from my other friendships because I don't want to withhold information from the woman I love.

Yuck. See what I mean? And it is possible for a friendship to be inappropriate even if there is nothing sexual. It's called... using, or abusing.

She has been betrayed so often by other men, and I don't want to be that guy.

So you want to be the guy who lives by the insecurities of a pen pal? What’s wrong with you?!? Either she keeps picking bad men or she is experiencing the same difficulties everyone faces in personal relationships, and is blowing it out of proportion. Either way, you’re subjecting yourself to drama you don’t need with someone who has relationship problems, just like you do.

Dear Margo replies:

I don't think there's anything you can do; maybe a therapist could help.

YES. He needs some therapy.

You are having to tread lightly because of her past hurts. What she needs to understand is that you are not these men; you are you.

Right. Both men and women tend to lump the other sex together as one monster, and that’s not right. People should be treated as individuals. That does not mean you ignore the realities of human behavior, though.

I would strongly recommend that you not let any woman dictate your outside friendships; it is neurotic, a form of control and certainly a sign of insecurity.

Good advice. Perhaps what we need are fewer relationship experts who try to make relationships work when they are based on the signifcant flaws of the participants. We need more experts willing to say "You should not get involved with someone else until you deal with this problem in yourself."