Opening the Vent

According to the always-reliable Wikipedia, I, by myself, make a little more than the statewide median family income, which is more than the median household income.  I’m not sure what constitutes a "family" vs. a "household", but there you go. It's even better when comparing to the medians for my city. Aside from a mortgage on my wife's part, neither of us came to the marriage with debt. Yet here we are, struggling financially. What I mean by that is we're not saving as much for retirement as I think we should and we have almost no spare liquid funds unless we want to cash in some of our retirement investments, which I don't think would be a good idea. We're not currently giving to our church. We had a vacation (the first "real" one in quite some time) planned but we had to cancel/postpone it and now we're trying to deal with losing some of the money we already put into it.

So when my wife informed me we were finally, after months of her writing an e-mail to set something up, going to be meeting with someone from our church, I thought back to that e-mail, and due to that I figured this meeting was mostly going to be about finances and what disability aid or programs they knew about, since my wife is disabled (even though she was able to work full-time before we married). I felt kind of silly seeking help from others when I make more the median for our city, but I agreed to go anyway.

I ended up wishing it had been about money.

I should have been tipped off that the meeting wasn't quite going to be what I thought, since the night before, my wife actually gave a slight indication that she was looking forward to sex, and it had only been a week since the last session.

In the meeting were the woman to whom she wrote, and two men. One of the men I recognized as someone who does things like give the "sex talk" session of the church's premarital counseling (which we'd been through), during which he tells the couples considering or planning marriage that marital lovemaking is given to us to enjoy in many ways and many places. Basically, he's there to tell people that sex is allowed once they're married, and it doesn't have to be the missionary position.

But back to the meeting. In the meeting, we focused on:

• That my son loses his temper, like I do, and I should be open to being drugged and having my son drugged.
• That my daughter is a messy hoarder, like I am.
• That our house is a mess and we could use some help having it organized and cleaned.

I felt like I'd been ambushed.

Let's go over each of those.

"Salary" For Stay-At-Home Mothers?

You may have seen this recent news: “Stay-at-home mother's work worth $138,095 a year”.

If the typical stay-at-home mother in the United States were paid for her work as a housekeeper, cook and psychologist among other roles, she would earn $138,095 a year, according to research released on Wednesday.
[snip]
The 10 jobs listed as comprising a mother's work were housekeeper, cook, day care center teacher, laundry machine operator, van driver, facilities manager, janitor, computer operator, chief executive officer and psychologist, it said.

The typical mother puts in a 92-hour work week, it said, working 40 hours at base pay and 52 hours overtime.

As much as I encourage stay-at-home motherhood, this study is a crock.

Why don't we see similar studies for men? Let's say a married father has an office job that he commutes to by driving. In addition to his paid career, he should be compensated for the following jobs:

Driver - He drives himself to work.
Delivery Service - He picks things up and brings them home.
Chauffer - He drives the wife and/or the kids places.
Babysitter - Whenever he watches the kids.
Coach - Whenever he plays sports with the kids, or advises them on playing.
Doorman - He opens doors for the wife and kids.
Valet - Opening the car doors for the wife and kids, parking/getting the car.
Gas Station Attendant - He fuels up the car.
Bellhop - Carrying luggage.
Counselor - Listening to the problems and feelings of his wife and kids.
Personal Bodyguard - Protecting the wife and kids.
Private Investigator - Checking things out at the request of the wife, checking up on the kids.
Pet Handler/Vet - Walking the dog, etc.
Exterminator - Killing and/or removing vermin, spiders, and various insects.
Furniture Mover - You wanted to move the sofa again?
Sanitation Engineer - Takes out the trash.
Dishwashing Machine Operator - If he ever washes the dishes.
Childcare Provider - If he ever feeds, clothes, or changes the diapers of the kids.
Plumber - If he ever fixes or replaces any of the plumbing fixtures in the house.
Laborer - Doing things that do not fall under the other categories.
Gardener - Mowing the lawn, trimming plants, weeding.
Personal Assistant - For the rest of the stuff that doesn't fall under laborer.
Professional Shopper - When he has to go buy stuff for the wife and/or kids.
Escort - You think he really wants to go see that play with you?
Chef/Cook - If he ever cooks.
Bartender - If he ever pours you, your family, or your friends a drink.
Priest - If he ever takes confession from you, is asked to grant absolution or forgiveness, or pray.
Mechanic - Any work he does on the car.
Handyman - Those little repair jobs around the place.
Comedy Writer - When he has to cheer you up and make you laugh because you're depressed yet again.
Accountant - Straightening out the finances.
Financial Advisor - Making investments, and telling you "That's too expensive."
Personal Trainer - "Looks like you need to start working out again, honey."
Wardrobe Consultant - "Yes, that does make you look fat. Why do you ask?"
Computer Operator
Masseuse
Actor - "Yes, I'd love for your mother to stay with us for two weeks."
Lender - "You want how much?"
Dietician - "Honey, don't you think you've eaten enough of those?"
Dancer - Do you really think he wants to dance?

I mean, come on. Stay-at-home mothers have all of these services and things paid for by their husband:

Housing
Utilities/Garbage Disposal/Cable/Phone
Nails/Hair/Beauty Salons, Spa visits
Wardrobe
Gifts
Eating Out, Starbucks
Vehicle
Vehicle Maintenance
Gasoline
Insurance
Furniture
Health Care/Benefits
Appliances
Groceries

And since women have longer life expectancies and tend to marry an older man, she's likely going to be living off of his earnings after he is dead.

Another problem with the study is that although stay-at-home mothers do have a very full and busy lives, they are not doing all of those activities for all of those hours.

Still, in the real world of compensation, you are only worth what you demand. Most stay-at-home-mothers have gladly agreed to provide these services in exchange for being able to stay home and live the lifestyles they do.

Finally, in a community property state, she’s getting at least that much if she is married to a guy who is earning $276,190 per year. So, is this study implying that a man who earns more than that is getting overcharged by his stay-at-home wife? How well with this study do in court if a man who earned, say, $500,000 per year tried to convince a judge that the wife he is divorcing should only be compensated for no more than $138,095 per year?

We should not minimize the importance of stay-at-home-mothers, but nor should we ignore the contributions of sole-provider husbands.

Don't forget - Mothers Day is almost here!