Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 6

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here.


It sounds better to say "This is my wife" instead of "This is my girlfriend."

This is another assertion of made by marriage sellers that requires you to simply accept and agree in order for it to work. It's based entirely on personal preferences. In contrast, Dr. Laura, herself a marriage seller, has encouraged her married listeners to think of, and call, themselves their husband's girlfriend or their wife's boyfriend.

For people who say this, like Dennis Prager, it is based on his emotional fixation on marriage. My own convictions have me reacting almost entirely in the opposite way, meaning I feel better when a man introduces me to his girlfriend than his wife. When he introduces me to his wife, I usually feel sorry for him, and when he introduces me to his fiancee, I want to pull him aside and warn him.

So, again, there are several ways to respond to this.

A) That's your personal preference. My preference is different.

B) It sounds even better to say "I get to do what I want to do."

C) Men who run game don't introduce their dates at all.

It is amazing that people like Dennis Prager want to you sign a terrible state contract because he thinks it sounds better to say "wife" instead of "girlfriend."

A word of caution. Yes, you can call a woman your "wife" even though you're not legally married to her. Depending on where you live and the other things you do, though, that might put you into the same legal/financial jeopardy as getting legally married. So, "girlfriend" is definitely better.

Part 7

Cancelling the Wedding

If you're scheduled to be the groom in a wedding within a few months, a week, even later today, you can still cancel it, and you probably should.


EMERGENCY - If the wedding is today, tomorrow, or days away, you can still cancel it.

If this is the day of the wedding or the day/evening before, inform her privately (take a reliable witness, just in case, like the officiating pastor) or send someone to do it. Inform the officiant.

If this is the day of the wedding, have someone apologize to the guests.

[This is assuming you don't have children with her. If you do, you really don't want to start a war with her.]

For more about what you need to do, see further below.

Will cancelling the wedding be a mess?

Yes, it will be a mess, and the closer to the wedding the more of a mess it will be, but it's far better than being married, especially being married and then divorced. For most men, there is nothing wrong with cancelling the wedding; it's usually the best thing to do in the situation you're in. You can do it. And most likely, you should.

The pain, the mess, the effort, the costs, the losses of cancelling a wedding pale in comparison to the downsides of marrying, even more so marrying and divorcing.

Do not fall into the trap of thinking "Well, we live together already and/or we have all of these plans and shared things." If you marry, it will be the last significant decision over your own life you'll be able to make in peace until she divorces you or you decide to divorce. If you marry her, all power you have (other than to divorce, which will be very expensive and destructive) shifts to her.

You are better off free, and if we believe all women, she is, too.

So here is what you need to do:

1. Accept that your relationship with your fiancee is over. Accept that there are people who know both of you who will drop you (this may include having to leave your religious congregation or other shared activities or groups). Accept that this might feel embarrassing. Reject any notion that this is a failure. Letting it go further would be a failure. Divorce is common. You're avoiding years of misery in marriage and then a divorce.

2. Be strategic about what you do when. For example, if the wedding is still six months away and you're living together and sharing some accounts, you've got a little time to do this, and you need to do as much as you can to dis-entangle yourself from her and protect yourself and your assets before she realizes you're cancelling the wedding. Once she knows, you might need to have a reliable witness with you whenever you interact with her. Document/record/get copies of everything that matters: paperwork, conversations, whatever might become an issue.

3. If you two have obtained a marriage license from the county/state, at some point you should destroy that so there's no chance it gets signed and filed.

4. If things have been paid for and finalized, you should cancel with anyone or any venue or business with which you have the power to do so. If you or your parent were the one paying, you should have that power. That might involve the wedding coordinator, rehearsal dinner restaurant, tuxes (and bridesmaid dresses, depending), florists, photographers, DJ/sound, musicians, cake bakers/decorators, officiant, church/wedding venue, reception venue, caterers, honeymoon travel and accommodations, even bachelorette party stuff. You may lose money, especially on deposits, but it is a small price to pay to save money over the coming years and retain your freedom. Don't fall for the "sunk costs" mentality of saying you don't want the money to go to waste. Getting married would result in exponentially more wasted money. If you still want to do what would have been your bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, reception, etc. that's up to you, if you're the one who put in the money. Those can be turned into a celebration of your freedom. (Having the contact information of everyone involved, including invited/RSVP'd guests, is helpful.)

5. It'll be best if you have some trustworthy people who have your back and can be your witnesses, and it will be helpful if those include both men and women. Have them help you move what you need out of your shared residence (if you're sharing one). Consult a lawyer if you need to about any entanglements you have with your fiancee, especially if it is YOUR residence you are sharing (the lawyer might tell you NOT to move out, in such a case). If you need to temporarily go somewhere else for your safety (and to avoid confrontations with her/her family that could end up with police getting involved and/or false allegations) consider a friend's place or a hotel, but it has to be kept secret.

Although few may say it, most people will understand, and most of them will think you made the right decision. Of course SHE and her family and friends are likely to be upset with you, especially at first. Unless they already control your life, it shouldn't matter, because you're going to be avoiding them.
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Rather than repeat myself about everything else, see this link and follow the the links at that post, too.

Guys, even if the wedding date is set, even if the plans have been finalized and payments made, the guests attending verified, even if the wedding is tomorrow or later today, you can still back out, and you probably should. Be sure to consider your safety, whether physical, financial, reputational, or emotional.

You need to be thinking about what is best for you. Nobody else is.

How to Keep Your Friends Free - Intervention

As I wrote in the first entry of this series, Prevention is ideal when keeping the men you know free.

Sometimes, Intervention will be required, because some of these men won't stay free. They will tie themselves down to a woman.

When a man is in, or heading towards, an "exclusive" relationship or the marriage trap, your assistance will mostly have to be more subtle to prevent him from getting locked in. He's getting sex from her (or, in rare cases he's not but he thinks he'll be getting some later), and he thinks it's the best or only sex he's going to have. He won't want to give it up. He might also be feeling pressure from his family or a religious congregation.

So, subtle will usually be the way to go. Being repetitively direct and blunt probably won't work. He's in LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE. You're probably not going to get through to him with a frontal assault. 

Don't Oppress Or Burden Women

Before the wave of feminism that grew in the 1960s and 1970s, women who were housewives were oppressed and depressed from having to tend to a husband, the children, and home, while being treated as less than human since she couldn't have assets and accounts without her husband's participation or approval. Many of these women wanted careers, but were prevented from having them. Some of these women wanted to freed from servitude to a man or children, but they didn't have real options.

And those are just the white women with high earning husbands. Women of color had to have jobs on top of all of the rest of the stuff.

Now, although they can have careers and bank accounts, so many women are with men who don't contribute enough at home, don't do enough of the emotional labor, sexually harass and rape their wife, fiancee or girlfriend, and are terrible lovers.

Men are a burden on women. Women don't need men. Women don't like husbands.

These are things you'd know if you were enlightened by social media or certain college classes, movies, or books.

Guys, STOP IMPOSING UPON WOMEN. Respect their independence, autonomy, and capability. Do not move in with them. Protect a woman from her own temporary miscalculation by refusing to her let move in with you, don't impregnate them, don't propose marriage to them, and don't marry them. It's OK to be available to them, temporarily, when they want you around, but don't burden any woman by staying with her or being demanding of her time. Never be so cruel as to make a woman a housewife or stay-at-home mom. If that's what a woman says she wants, she clearly must be suffering from the inadequacy of our mental health system or misleading patriarchal indoctrination; don't take advantage of her!

Avoid mansplaining at work and in your personal life.

Stop bothering women. Leave them alone. Date when they come to you, but keep those dates short.

Respect women, guys!

Don't Do Things You Can't Afford

Matt Walsh writes a lot of good stuff. I follow him on Twitter. I haven't listened to his podcasts or read his book. Every once in a while, I disagree with what he writes, and this is one of those times. [This is bumped up from May 2017.]

This time, Walsh wrote to encourage people to go ahead and have children young. Walsh is greatly disturbed that so many people his age are still living with a parent, but even if they're not, he's still bothered that they're not marrying, and not having children. And it probably bothers him a lot (though he doesn't say it in this column) that most of them are fornicating and/or masturbating.

I generally do think people should move out of their parents' home when they finish with college or before, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest that people are not marrying and not having children.

I was 27 and broke when we had kids.

And that was irresponsible of Walsh.

They were twins, so we became a family of four right out of the gate. We didn’t really know anybody where we lived, and we were about 600 miles from the nearest family member.

Bad planning.

I wasn’t making much money at my job, we had nothing in savings, and we were pretty far in the red because of medical bills and my wife’s student loan debt.

This is what you SHOULD NOT DO, kids.

...it’s clear that we were not in what our society would consider the “ideal” position to get married or have kids. We weren’t ready. We couldn’t afford it. And yet we did get married and we did have kids.

Which was irresponsible.

And here we are. All of us (five of us now). Still breathing, somehow.

Yes, it is called debt, handouts from family, and, for a lot of people, public assistance in one form or another. If Walsh avoided all three of these things, I'd be very surprised.

My generation has been stuck in neutral for years, not wanting to get married, not wanting to have kids, refusing to move out of mom’s house and be adults, always insisting that we aren’t “ready.”

People can be living on their own and still not want to get married and even if they do want to marry, still not want to have kids.

What Is the Marriage Strike?

 
The Marriage Strike is refusing to legally marry (or, refusing to legally marry again), and usually it also involves refusing to socially marry. More and more men are refusing to marry. That is a fact.

Why join the marriage strike?

There are many reasons, not all of which need to apply to you:

• You don't want to marry.
  
• Marriage is a bad deal for most men.
• Marriage is a bad state contract.
• Marriage brings the government further into your life. 
• Most marriages fail.
  
• Current marriage culture is misandrist. 
• Most marriage counseling, therapy, and popular advice is misandrist or otherwise terrible.  
• Men are punished for being husbands.
  
• A lack of wife material women.
• A lack of accountability for wives.
• Marriage doesn't help you reach your goals.
• Marriage brings guaranteed limitations, obligations, and risks with no guaranteed benefits you can't get without marrying.
  
• You prefer to retain power over your life. 
• You prefer to live alone.
  
• You prefer to stay free.
• You can't be sure the woman you'd marry isn't being trafficked into marriage. 
• If you're a Bible-following Christian, you can't be sure you wouldn't be unequally yoked if you married.
  
• And many more!
  

Weddings Are Highly Visible But Marriage Isn't A Wedding

Weddings are highly visible. They are often prominent in both fictional media and "reality" media, including news and gossip outlets. They are announced all over, there are save the date notices, formal invites, and thank-yous. There are wedding registries. There are special dresses. There are entire websites/shops dedicated to weddings. There are wedding rings. There are bridal showers, wedding showers, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, receptions, anniversary celebrations, elaborate proposals, engagement announcements, engagement rings, wedding photographers, wedding planners, cakes and cake tasting, flowers, on and on it goes.

If the people getting married are happy through those things, that's fortunate.

But marriage isn't a wedding.

Here are some of the things about marriage and its aftermath that are hidden or far less visible:

• One spouse having to pick up after another
• The spouse who has/earns more money having to pay for bills generated by the other, especially for things the paying spouse didn't want or couldn't enjoy
• One spouse feeling stifled by the other
• Abandoned dreams
• Alienation from family of origin
• Alienation from friends
  
• Arguments, disputes, conflicts
  
• Cruel words
• Mood swings
  
• Loneliness
• Disappointment 
• One spouse not being able to sleep or relax because of the other
  
• Walking on eggshells
  
• Nagging
• Frustration
• Disrespect
  
• Irritation and annoyance
• Emotional rejection
  
• Sexual rejection
• Boredom and monotony
  
• Affairs
  
• Marriage counseling
• Indifference
  
• Contempt
  
• Visits by law enforcement due to reports of possible domestic violence
• Actual domestic violence
  
• One spouse murdering the other
• One spouse subjecting the other to their substance abuse
• Abandonment
• Physical separation
• Legal separation
• Consulting divorce lawyers
• Paying divorce lawyers
• Court battles over divorce
• Dividing assets
• Ongoing payments, such as alimony
  

What if those things were as visible as weddings? What if people were to tell you and put on their social media "We're going through a really crappy time in our marriage right now" whenever that was the case? Do you think there might be fewer weddings?

There are many people who have an interest, especially a financial interest, in other people getting married. People have been selling marriage. They emphasize the good and keep the bad quiet. Talking about the bad is "tacky" or a "sin" or a "betrayal" or a "negative confession."

But what if reality wasn't hushed up so much?

What Makes You Think You'll Succeed At What Better Men Failed?

If you are heading for, or even just "open to" marriage, consider that many admirable, smart men have been divorced. Some multiple times. Men you personally know. Men you know about.

Why have they been divorced?

Here are the options:

1) They picked wrong.
2) They didn't treat their wife right.
3) During the marriage, their wife suffered from a trauma or illness that caused her to become the wrong wife.
4) The present system itself is deeply problematic.
5) More than one of the above.

If these good men picked wrong, what makes you think you will pick better or are picking better?

If these good men didn't treat their wife right, what makes you think you will be better at how you do marriage?

There are traumas/illnesses that are unavoidable. So, even if you pick right and treat right, you can still end up being miserably married or divorced.

If the present system is deeply problematic, that's the system into which you'd be marrying. What is that system? 1) Family law and courts transfer money and power away from you, to a woman, and reward bad behavior and women for divorce. 2) Socialization doesn't prepare women to be good wives and discourages them from being good wives. 3) Misandrist culture emasculates men and punishes them for being husbands and fathers.

Again, what makes you think you're going to beat the system? What makes you think you're going to succeed at what so many better men failed?

There's a lot about Dennis Prager I admire, and he seems to have a great grasp on human behavior and human nature and most of the dynamics between men and women, and his first marriage was, statistically, started when it had a good chance of lasting (he was in his late twenties or into his thirties, not some immature 19 year-old). And yet, that marriage didn't last and his second marriage didn't last either. He'd tell you to do what he did, and get married a third time, because it is inconceivable to him that men should learn to thrive on their own, because he formed, very early in his life, an emotional fixation on men being husbands.

Today, in the twenty-first century, men can thrive being free. There is no good reason for most men to sign a terrible state marriage contract. The contract is of no benefit to most men, and you can live a great, happy, fulfilled life without it. So why take on the risks and obligations of something at which so many better men have failed?

This isn't like technological development, in which knowledge accumulates. Human nature, if it is evolving, doesn't evolve fast enough to mean that what men want has changed in the last few thousand years. So, this isn't like "I can build a better rocket." The social aspects of marriage involve dealing with a woman. Female nature, like male nature, hasn't changed much, but the socialization of women has, and not in a way that supports lasting, happy marriages. When that is paired with the fact that our current legal system and current culture will empower a wife to ruin your life, it is arrogance or delusion to see that some great men haven't had lasting, happy marriages - in fact most men who have married have failed marriages - but think you are going to succeed at it.

Why take that risk, when you can get everything you need and want in life without doing so?

Stay free, guys.

As always, you are welcome to comment below. It would be especially interesting to hear about good men you know who have had a failed marriage, or how you thought you could do better and you found out otherwise.

Yet Another Thing to Check Out If You're Thinking of Marrying

Guys, most of you shouldn't marry. There are many reasons why I say that. Here's just one of many: Dead Bedrooms.

Read up! That could easily be YOU!

Imagine signing away over half your earnings, handing over control of your life and home, and you get a dead bedroom.

JUST SAY NO!

Stay free!

Most Men Shouldn’t Marry Nor Have Children

Most men shouldn’t marry nor have children, so most boys should not be raised with the assumption that they will or should marry, and they definitely shouldn’t be raised with the assumption that they will have a lasting, happy marriage.

I realize there are religions out there that pretty much mandate people marry and try to have children. I can’t argue with every different religious organization that claims to have authority over your life. What I do know is that the Bible, taken as a whole and rightly divided, does not mandate you marry and have children. Don’t tell me contraception, tubal ligations, hysterectomies, and vasectomies are wrong because they are are unnatural, as you accept artificial medical treatments, live in a home that has been constructed, and drink water and eat food that has been processed in some way.

Most men shouldn’t marry or have children because 1) they aren’t suited to it, 2) aren’t positioned to do it, 3) aren’t living in a culture that supports it, and 4) won’t find a suitable woman with whom they could.

An Unmarried Individual May Not Be Happier Married

 

There are marriage-selling sociologists and their marks who post graphs that depict married parents as happier than “unmarried,” childfree people.

I’m a married parent. I’d love to tell you that if YOU marry and have children, you’ll be happier.

But there’s no solid evidence of that. It might make you miserable.

The graphs rely on statistical trickery and for marks to not understand that apparent correlation isn’t proof of directional causation.

Who is counted as “unmarried” in those graphs?

• Divorced people, whose unhappiness could be primarily due to their marriage
• People who are too sickly, ugly, poor, or unpleasant to attract a spouse - how happy do you think they are?
• Generally unhappy people, whose unhappiness makes it more difficult to attract or keep a spouse 
• Desperate people who think they’re losers, sinners, failures, or doomed (perhaps taught so by their clergy or cult leaders) for not marrying/multiplying 
• People who are partnered and living like they are married, but haven’t legally married; a state license isn’t going to make them any happier 
• Intentionally never-married, childfree people

The people in that last group could be, as a group, much happier than married people. Marriage sellers NEVER separate them out in the statistics, though.

Another trick common to graphs is to shorten an axis to make disparities look larger than they are. For example, if the data goes from 0 to 100, only showing 40 to 60 on a graph can make differences seem larger than they are.

In the case of the specific graphs we’re talking about, time frame can also matter. If the ages included only go from, say, 25 to 35, that’s definitely not the whole picture.

There are never-married, childfree people who are very happy.

There are also married parents who are miserable. Some even murder their spouse and/or children or are murdered by their spouse or child. That’s extreme, but there are many other things, like abuse, that can be involved without it getting to the point of murder. If you are living free, you can easily leave abusive people.

Don’t be fooled by graphs that rendered and presented in misleading ways.

Consider embracing freedom and making the most of it.

When Marriage Sellers Say Married Men Live Longer

"Married men live longer."

Wow, that sure looks like strong reason to marry, right?

But... as usual, the realities behind the statistics being used to sell marriage to men can tell a different story.

1) Women are more likely to marry and stay married to healthier and wealthier men. Guess what? Healthier and wealthier men tend to live longer. If a couple is living together but she won't marry him because he's ill, then again, he's counted as "unmarried."

2) Divorced men are usually counted as "unmarried." If a man gets ill and his wife divorces him and he dies, he is counted as "unmarried." The suicide rate for divorced men is high, too. What if, instead, those men had learned to be happy without ever marrying?

3) Men who die young are far less likely to have married. What ages are the statistics counting? If they are counting "men 16 years of age and older," that means any unmarried guy who died at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30 can skew the statistics in comparison to the fact that most men who live 40 or more years will have married. To put it simply, if you look at 10 guys who died before age 40 and 10 guys who died in their 70s or 80s, chances are, the older guys were married. It doesn't necessarily mean that marrying kept them alive longer or that the men who died younger died younger because they didn't marry.

Do you see how the statistics might not be making a clear indication that marrying causes a man to live longer?

It is possible that having a woman in his life who nags him to go to the doctor can keep a man alive longer. That's a reasonable consideration. But a woman can do that for a man without a terrible state contract. In fact, I urge men I'm not married to and I will never marry to go their doctors. More people should do that, instead of telling a man to sign a terrible state contract because it might appear to be correlated to longevity.

Finally, even if it could be definitively proven that marrying does, in fact, extend a man's life, let's consider what that would mean. It would mean that he trades decades of freedom, peace, quiet, control over his own finances and life, and everything else about life that Free Men enjoy that the average husband doesn't, for mere months or a couple of more years of convalescence, when he might not even remember who he is or be able to feed or wipe himself. Consider that carefully, guys.

Indeed, the stats are likely turning out as they do because an elderly man’s wife was there to call for help when he collapsed. So he lives a few months longer. If you really want to live longer in that condition, guys, technology can now monitor you and summon help, for much less cost than a wife.

Hey, what about women? Oh, what do you know - married women don't live as long as unmarried women. Shouldn't men avoid being selfish by avoiding marriage, since it appears to rob women of life?

Reminder: Stay or Get Free

 

With June almost here, I’m issuing this urgent reminder to stay free.

If you aren’t free, but haven’t filed the terrible state contract often called marriage, don’t file or sign it. Get free. Then stay free.

You don’t need to be married.

"Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?" - Part 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Let's flip this around. Are most women upfront and honest when it comes to dating? Ladies, if you're going to be honest with yourself, can you really say you are upfront and honest all of the time? What about your friends? Sure, you don't date them, but from what they've told you?

Are any of these things upfront and honest?

• Fake breasts
• Padded/pushup bras
• Fake eyelashes
• Fake nails
• Fake hair color
• Weaves, extensions, wigs, anything that makes it look like you have more/nicer hair than you do
• Makeup
• Pretending to like something about us or what we like that you really don't
• "Oh him? He's just a friend." [...who has had his penis inside you.]
  
• "I'm on The Pill."
• "I'm unable to get pregnant." or "It will be really difficult to get me pregnant."
• "I've never done that/this before."
• "I'm not like that." [Something he wants that you do with other men.]
• "I'm not like that." [Something he doesn't want but you will bring.]
  
• "We're pregnant."or "This baby is yours." [He didn't get you pregnant.]
• I need a man who is X, Y, Z." [When she has sex with men who are none of those.]
• "Friends first." [She has had sex with plenty of men who never became a friend.]
• "I need to be romanced, pursued, won over." [Except when it comes to the booty calls and hookups.]
  

Have you ever said to a man, being honest, "I will let you take me out, but I'm not going to have sex with you, even though I have sex with other men"? Hardly any, if any, woman who behaves in such a way will actually say that to a man. Why? Because it doesn't get her what she wants. Well, that's why men say or don't say certain things, too.

Why should men be upfront and honest when dealing with women who walk all over men who are?

There's still more to come in this series.

Part 1 in This Series

Part 2 in This Series

Part 3 in This Series

Part 5 in This Series

It’s OK To Be Free

Marriage sellers and people who simply haven’t thought through marriage being an actual choice often start with a presumed default that marrying is the normal thing to do, and that everyone, or at least most people, should plan on marrying and seek to do it.

But it’s not the default.

Marriage doesn’t just happen.

Our default state is being free. To marry, we at least have to agree to enter into marriage. Usually, especially for men, it involves much more than that.

Simply don’t do those things - don’t agree to marry - and you won’t marry. (Note that in some places, you’re considered legally married in at least some aspects if you live together long enough - avoid that!)

Stop accepting marriage as a default, a goal, or as inevitable.

Instead, embrace being free. Plan life and set goals with the mindset of being and staying free.

Most people who sell or accept marriage as the goal for all start with thinking marriage is a given. “Of course I did. My parents were married,” they might say. Yet they still expect someone who had unmarried parents to seek to marry. Or, if their parents weren’t married, they might think the problems they have were caused by their parents not being married. But that might not be true.

When people reorient their thinking away from “Who should I marry?” to, “Why marry?”, they’re much more likely to stay free.

Do that. Teach yourself and others to ask, “Why marry?” For most men, there’s nothing good they get from legally marrying that they can’t for less cost, risk, and hassle otherwise.

Embrace and share the fact that it’s OK to stay free.

When you reorient your thinking to plan to live free and to permit yourself to be happy as a free man, it’s more likely you will be happy.

Reject the notion that you’re somehow a loser, failure, dinner, or doomed simply because you’re free. You’re not.

We often hear unmarried people are unhappy. But that’s including people who want to be married or think they’re supposed to be married. It also includes people who aren’t married BECAUSE they are miserable people to be around. Almost always, divorced people are counted as “unmarried” and their unhappiness could be the result of having married and/or having divorced; if they had never married, they might be happier. There are very happy free men, and you can be one of them. Maybe you already are!

It’s OK to be free. And when you evaluate your life and live truly embracing that, you can be so much better off, so much happier.

The Importance of an Emergency Fund

Less politely, they are called "F--- You Funds."

You need a minimum of six months, ideally a year, of liquid funds. This would be enough to cover your hard expenses if all of your income stopped: mortgage/rent, utilities, vehicle/transportation, clothing/laundry, medical/health visits and costs, groceries, necessary memberships and subscriptions, etc. You can get an over-estimate by looking at every outgoing payment out of your bank or credit union account for the past year, and totaling that up.

Why? Because your employment might change. Life changes. Emergencies happen. Disasters happen.

You want to have the fund in place so that if your employer(s) disappear, or become too much trouble, or decide they don't need you anymore, you can walk away and be OK. Do you know what it is like to be at a job mostly for the fun of it, knowing that if things are no longer fun, you can walk away and be OK? I had a time in my life like that. (Unfortunately, I made the mistake of marrying, so that changed.) Having an emergency fund doesn't turn a blah or lousy job into a fun one, but it does give you peace of mind and a lot of flexibility.

If you're truly living paycheck to paycheck, without an emergency fund, something is wrong. You need to change that somehow. Cut expenses. Get a raise. Get more work. Change jobs. Sell some of your stuff. If you have debts, pay those off, starting with the debt with the highest interest rate first.

You need to put aside as much money as you can on a regular basis until you have a full fund. Have it automatically move from your checking account to your savings account, if you can. Or into some relatively safe, liquid account like brokerage account. Once you do have that fund in place, consider continuing the diversions, to an investment account. Unless you're elderly or terminal, you should be investing and saving up. Think of it this way: plan, budget, save, invest, and insure.

Guys, this is much easier to do if you don't have a wife and kids for which to pay. If you have an emergency fund and you make the mistake of marrying, at least ensure, with a lawyer, that your emergency fund stays separate. It will help you if there is a divorce. Do what your lawyer says: Do not co-mingle that fund, do not spend it on stuff for your marriage, or for your wife. ALSO, if you get an inheritance, work with a lawyer to keep that separate as well. THAT can be your fund if you don't have one already.

Gifts For a Husband and Father

While this is written from my perspective, it can work for the man in your life who is a husband and father, especially if he’s your husband or your father.

The best gifts for me as a husband and dad are, in no particular order:

‪1. Experiences I don’t have to plan, will enjoy, and don’t require I be constantly looking after someone.‬ Maybe it a tour of a place he’ll enjoy? Maybe a getaway? A meal at a special place? A cruise? A sporting event or concert?

‪2. “Homemade.” This can be anything from artwork to food/treat; something you have reason to believe I’ll enjoy.‬ Custom ties, socks, undershirts, etc. can fulfill this. Something with the personal touch from the wife and/or kids.

‪3. Something I’ll enjoy/use but wouldn’t indulge myself by buying because I have responsibilities to my family.‬

‪Especially as a sole income earner, stuff I can and usually will buy for myself isn’t as good.

“Giving” your husband something sexual you used to do with him but stopped and only will do as a special occasion gift is insulting. You should be doing it anyway, if you can.

Conversely, if there’s something he’s wanted but you’ve never done with/for him before, initiating it as a gift can be great.

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 9

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here and Part 8 here.


These questions are closely related, and so the answers can be adapted.


Don't you want someone special in your life?

There is more than one way to answer this depending on your situation.

A) No.

B) I have multiple special people in my life.

C) I am someone special in my life.

D) I can/do have someone special in my life without a terrible state contract.

E) Everything in life is a tradeoff. I'd much rather be guaranteed my freedom than have the possibility of having a wife, and even if having one, only for as long as she chooses to stay.

F) I just haven't been able to find her.


Don't you want to come home to somebody?

This is a variation on the previous question, and all of the answers for that question work. In addition, many married men come home to an empty home.


Don't you want to grow old with somebody?

This is another variation of the previous question. Marrying doesn't mean you will grow old with someone. Plenty of people who married grow old alone.

You can also say that no, you don't want to grow old with someone. You want to be with adults who want to be with you, and to whom you're attracted, whatever your age and whatever their age.


Don't you want someone to take care of you when you're older?

That's what long-term care insurance and medical professionals are for.


Who'll be there for you when you die? Who will care?

You want me to sign a terrible state contract with someone and endure their crap for 60 years in case it makes it more likely they'll be there when I'm dying? People who do something with their life or maintain good friendships will be mourned. Both of those things are easier if a man stays free.


You're going to end up sad and alone.

Most people who end up sad and alone married.


It's amazing how people want you to spend a life in a terrible state contract and, likely, a terrible arrangement, giving up your freedom and sacrificing your dreams and what you want to do, so that one specific person might be there when you die or are getting close to death.

Part 10

June is Coming

Wedding season, gentlemen. Maybe you’re scheduled to be the groom.

Maybe a man you care about is scheduled to be a groom.

Maybe a woman you’re "seeing" or "with" is expecting you to be her date for a wedding or weddings.

Obviously, the first situation is the most dire.

Running Game Helps Pick the Women Who Want Some

Contrary to what some people say and what they might actually think, some women want sex.

Some want a lot of it.

Running game helps you to avoid the women who don’t want you, or would be too much work, and instead helps you to find and connect with the women who are down to get with you.

Yes, some women don’t have much interest in sex, or have lost it. Dead bedrooms exist, and most are primarily the result of women. Many wives, longtime girlfriends, and baby mammas grow cold. The history of prostitution alone is proof men, on average, want it more. Some women use sex as a loss leader or a bargaining chip. 

All of that is true.

But it’s also true that there are women, including attractive women, who are out there looking for it, at least for now, and you can be the one to supply it - if you don’t turn her off.

If you’re there, if you seem to be in-charge and confident, in-demand, a bit mysterious and untamed, and she’s feeling good about or connected to you, you can be who scratches her itch.

She wants plausible deniability. That’s where booze and being at her place or hotel room (often under some pretense), and you taking charge factors in. It’s how “one thing leads to another.”

If you’re not astoundingly attractive (as in, attractive enough to be a model), then she either has to have good reason to think you’re a great or “good enough” lover - or that you have money, power, and/or fame, and being with you will give her a rub, get her along for the ride, or at least some bragging rights. With significantly older women, sometimes it’s enough that you’re younger, eager, and energetic.

What she says will usually clue you in on who you should seem to be to her, whether a fling or someone she might want to latch on to.

If the latter, you want her to think you’re going somewhere, and that she has competition because other women want you, and if she impresses you, she can be along for the ride.

Especially for the former, she might be on the prowl because she’s simply looking for a good time, or attention, or maybe she’s ovulating, or maybe she got dumped, or her younger sister or frenemy just got engaged; whatever is going on, it doesn’t matter other than if you can play into it.

Some women want it.

And many enjoy it, if you know what you’re doing. That will help keep things going with her, if you want.

Relationships Kill Dreams

You know men who let their dreams die or be killed because of a girlfriend or a wife. Maybe you're one of those guys yourself.

Romantic relationships kill dreams.

Having "a" girlfriend, living with a woman, marrying, getting a woman pregnant - those things kill dreams.

Dreams can be many different things. A career, a business, a mission, a project, a hobby, a trip, a home, a boat, a car...just about anything. Whatever your dream is should be important to you.

If a woman you're seeing thinks your dream is silly, stupid, trivial, that's an example of what I'm talking about.

Maybe your dream is to open a wildlife sanctuary. Maybe your dream is to be CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Maybe it's to own a boat and sail from Point A to Point B. Maybe it is restoring a classic car. Maybe you want to open a restaurant. Maybe you want to build a scale model of a city as it was on your twelfth birthday. Maybe your dream is to have a clean, orderly, well-maintained home with peace and quiet, with a layout you find the most sensible and decorated to your tastes.

Relationships kill dreams, taking up time, energy, attention, money, and other things you might need to to achieve your dream. Relationships limit your options.

For this post, I'm referring to "romantic" relationships. Most likely, you'll need professional and other non-romantic relationships to achieve your dreams, as noted here.

Even some marriage sellers will say that relationships kill dreams, although they use different wording. Marriage is a man "laying down his life" for a woman as Dr. Laura says, and he's got to put being a husband and father before everything else.

Guys, women don't want you chasing your dreams. They want you focusing on her, being her walking wallet, being her muscle, being her driver, being her handyman, being her sperm donor, being a big giant ear as she rambles on and on. The more time, money, and attention you spend on your dream, the less you have for her and the things she wants, and for some of you, your dream will attract younger, hotter women to you. Of course any woman you're already with doesn't want that!

So, even if you do want an ongoing relationship (and again, you should avoid "exclusive" relationships, especially shacking up or marriage), you shouldn't allow yourself to be in one until you've achieved your dream.

"But she says she shares my dream! She's supportive of my dream!" That's what she says NOW. Don't fall for a woman pretending to support your dream. Women will pretend to, until they think they have you locked in, and then it's "You can't spend that much on that!" and "Stop wasting time on that stuff!" Any woman who is in your life outside of booty calls must support your dreams or she should be OUT of your life; if you're shacking up, married, or co-parenting, it's kind of hard to get her out, isn't it?

Being in a relationship will mean having to check in with her, having to her approval for all sorts of decisions you should be able to make yourself, having a tougher time networking because she sees women as threats and she doesn't like the guys.

"Don't take that job! I don't want to have to move!"

"No, I need you that weekend because we have a wedding shower to go to!"

"But I want a baby!"

On and on it goes.

AVOID ALL OF THAT!

Stay free, men! Don't give up on your dreams and become a beaten dog.

Entering A Bad State Contract Won’t Save the World

Attention Men!

You don’t have to enter into a terrible state contract to:

-Share life with a woman

-Take care of, provide for, and protect a woman

-Raise children

You don’t have to enter into a terrible state contract, share life with a woman, or have children to:

-Make America strong

-Be a good citizen

-Be a good Christian

-Be a good conservative

-Be a good Republican

-Be a good man

-Fight Leftism

-Live a good life

-Leave a legacy

-Change the world for the better

You can do those things as a Free Man.

Entering a terrible state contract that does little other than shifting your earnings and power away from you doesn’t do any of those things.

To What Should Males Aspire

Want More People to Marry?

Want more people to marry, or marry early enough to have (more) children together inside the marriage?

Marriage must have something men want they can't get for less risk and cost otherwise, and men have to know about it. Marriage must be distinguished from nonmarriage in a positive way, legally and/or culturally. I'm not talking about misleading use of statistics. I'm talking about it actually being better. Two lesbians can marry, and two gay men can marry. Why would most heterosexual men want to do it? What makes it special? You can't tell a man that marriage is something special between a man and a woman if two women can do it without a man. You can't even say it is something special between two people, because historically, polygamy has existed in many cultures around the world. But maybe it can be made better, to the point more men want to marry women.

How can marriage be made better?

There are at least three major things it will take to make marriage appealing to men. Let's consider them.

Running Game - You Have a Right to Remain Silent

....or say very little.

Anything you say can and might be used against you.

When running game, you’ll usually find the less you say, the better. Anything you say can be used against you as a reason NOT to do what you’d like. It could be anything from your birth date (= astrological sign), your political party, or your favorite band.

Pick up lines or “opens” should be avoided in a place like a bar. Wait for her to come to you. On a date or any other time it’s the two of you, encourage HER to talk as much as possible. This does three main things: 1) It gives her positive feelings/impressions about you; 2) It reduces the chances you’ll say something that turns her off; and 3) It clues you in to how to move things to what you want.

Dr. Laura tells the story about how, when she was a student working in a lab, another female student there was having a tough time with a guy and ended up crying all over Dr. Laura’s nice blouse, spilling her guts while Dr. Laura basically just patted her on her back. That other woman recalled the incident as being one in which Dr. Laura had just the right words. Except Dr. Laura hadn’t said much of anything to her.

Similarly, in employment interviews, if the interviewee has gotten the interviewer to talk a lot about themselves, that tends to give the interviewer a favorable impression of the candidate.

Like most tactics, this won’t work with every woman. There are women who are determined to give you the third degree and are paying enough attention to know what you’re doing when you avoid giving her information to be used against you. But this tactic does work for a lot of women.

If they ask you questions about yourself, try to keep the answers short and deflect back to them.

Example:

Her: Do you like dogs?

You: There are so many breeds! How about you?

Notice, you never actually answered. You’ve deflected it back to her, and hopefully, she’ll keep talking. She’ll likely tell you about her dog, or the breeds she likes. There’s a slight chance she’ll tell you she’s allergic or has a phobia. That’s all information you can use. If you have a dog, and that would be a problem for her, you don’t even have to reveal that. She's not going to be meeting your dog anyway.

You might even be able to avoid answering direct questions with jokes or “funny stories” her question “reminds you” of. You have to be careful, though, as you don’t want to inadvertently hit one of her turnoffs. But if it goes well, you get her to laugh (big plus!) AND she’ll not even realize you dodged answering a question.

Another way is to say something like “I’ve been talking in meetings all day, tell me about your…(day, hobby, pet...)”

Saying as little as possible and paying close attention to her (while giving off the vibe that you're in demand and have better things to do than her) helps. In my wayward youth, I was starting to date a woman who didn’t want to tell me her birthday. I narrowed it down from things she’d said. Then she ended up revealing it to me because she’d mistakenly thought I’d figured it out. This allowed me to mark the occasion with a gift, card, etc. (This was before I knew about running game - I now tell men to get scarce around her birthday.)

If you do this right, most women aren’t going to notice you didn’t actually answer their questions. She’ll feel connected to you because you listened so well as she rambled on and on. They’ll fill in the gaps with their feelings, hopes, wishes, delusions, and their own preferences, like a script or casting sheet she has in her head. Women do this with celebrities they think are hot. “I bet he likes the beach, just like me!” There are celebrities the woman you’re dating would have sex with within two minutes of meeting him, even though the only things she knows about him are what he’s said in publicity interviews, which aren't real life. That’s because of his fame, his perceived wealth, and her made-up thoughts about him. She doesn’t really know if he wants kids. Or if he wants to get married. Or if he wants to live on a farm or in a skyscraper.

This isn’t just in-person talks. It applies to phone calls, messaging/chats, and texting as well. Keep what you say limited.

Remember, this isn't about finding a life partner or a spouse with whom you can "be your true self." This is about keeping dates casual and fun, and spending as little time, money, and effort on your dates as necessary. The less she really knows about you other than what turns you on, the better. The less you can actually say to her that has any meaning to it other than telling her what you want her to do, the better. Your words should be few and should support your presentation.

Why Married Men Should Have An Affair

I'm for harm reduction.

Most married men want sex more than their wife, and many of them get rejected, some more often than others. Now, many men in that situation turn to adult media (porn), as we know they should never pester their wife. However, considering everything I've seen from people and organizations like Laila Mickelwait, Justice Defense Fund, Exodus Cry, Fight the New Drug, No Fap, Your Brain on Born, Daily Wire, National Center on Sexual Exploitation, churches I have attended, and so many more, - it's clearly less harmful to have an affair with someone you know, like a neighbor.

Here, I'll demonstrate:

Porn: Addictive
Affair: Not addictive

Porn: Often necessitates time in rehab
Affair: Need for rehab much less likely

Porn: Causes some men to spend hours and hours in isolation
Affair: Usually doesn't take up that much time and isn't in isolation

Porn: Multi-billion dollar industry
Affair: Eh, maybe some gifts here and there

Porn: Rots brains
Affair: Doesn't rot brains

Porn: Causes sex trafficking
Affair: Doesn't cause trafficking

Porn: Causes unrealistic expectations in young men
Affair: Causes no expectations in any other young men

Porn: Damaging to real sex
Affair: Is real sex

Porn: Is filmed rape
Affair: Not filmed, not rape

Porn: Supports "revenge" porn, uploaded nonconsensually
Affair: Doesn't support revenge porn

Porn: You can't be sure the performers consented
Affair: You won't be doing anything without her consent

Porn: You can't tell if the performers are really adults
Affair: You know she's an adult

Porn: Is violence
Affair: Not violence

Porn: Turns people into rapists and serial killers
Affair: Doesn't turn people into rapists and serial killers

Porn: Causes ED
Affair: Doesn't cause ED

Porn: Performers are abused
Affair: You won't abuse her

Porn: Performers get injured
Affair: You won't injure her

Porn: She's only doing it because she's desperate for money
Affair: Don't give her money so you are making sure she just wants sex for the sake of having sex

Porn: Some performers abuse substances
Affair: You can choose to only have an affair with someone who is sober

Porn: Kids find it
Affair: You won't let that happen

Porn: Constant novelty
Affair: Just one person

Since I'm reliably assured that porn is "adultery, infidelity, cheating" and many ministries I know of spend far more time talking about the evils of porn than having sex with a neighbor, and considering everything I've observed as stated above, clearly the less harmful option is to have an affair, especially if it avoids marital rape.

...Right?

(I've never had an affair and I don't advise it.)

When the Nest Gets Empty

Guys, did you leave your marriage when your youngest child reached 18, graduated high school, or left the nest? Were you waiting for that to happen? Are you planning to leave when that happens? Did you consider it, but stayed? If you stayed, did you make changes to what you'd tolerate from your wife, or how you behaved?

You can share your experiences and thoughts in the comment area below. You can be anonymous if you'd like, or write a comment for me that you don't want published (make it clear you don't want it published, if you don't).

I ask those questions above because it is something I think about. I have kids to raise, and absent what I'd count as a "strike three," I decided to keep the family intact ant least until the youngest is a legal adult and done with high school.

But I'm not sure what I'll do after that. I figured there are four basic options for me:

The Sight of Human Skin Doesn't Harm Human Brains

Cathy Reisenwitz has a video and an excellent written commentary about adult media.

A 2020 study showed that ~70% of people watch low amounts of porn with no discernible negative ramifications. Around a quarter of people watch a lot of porn with no measurable downside. And around ~5% of people watch a lot of porn, and it seems to cause or exacerbate problems for them.

Five percent. You can find five percent of people for whom watching a lot of sports is problematic. The problem isn't what they're watching. Compulsive/problematic media viewing is a symptom of a problem. Porn isn't the problem.

Problematic porn consumers are more likely than average to show symptoms of hypersexuality, depression, boredom, and low self-esteem. They’re likely not getting their basic psychological needs met.

They have problems. And they watch porn. Porn isn't the cause.

And this study builds on other research showing that feeling guilty about watching porn is a high predictor of having a “porn addiction.”

"Porn addiction" isn't a scientific term. It's a term used by salespeople and the people they've duped, and people who are trying to shift blame for their problems.

In fact, another study showed that men who look at porn more often who are in relationships have more sex with their partners. Women who look at porn more often have more partnered sex whether or not they’re in relationship, have better sex, and have more sexual flexibility.

Antiporn crusaders count viewing porn itself as misogyny and violence against women, so of course they dispute these findings.

Porn use is associated with decreases in violence against women. Men who look at more porn are actually less sexist than men who look at less of it.

This sort of thing never dissuades the antiporn crusaders. 

Every study I’m aware of that purports to show that porn is harmful either: 

1. Fails to correct for the fact that people who feel ashamed of themselves for watching porn are far more likely to report “problematic” porn use, regardless of how much they watch or how it’s otherwise impacting their lives

2. Misrepresents MRI results to show spurious findings

3. Fails to establish causation. People already at risk of becoming sexual abusers are more likely to watch a lot of violent porn. But there’s no evidence that watching a lot of violent porn causes the average person to be more likely to perpetrate sexual violence. In fact, there’s a lot of evidence in the opposite direction.

4. Mislabels porn

5. Is otherwise shown to be faulty. 

 

When you hear of studies that claim to show adult media as physically or mentally harmful, you should keep in mind that there is an abundance and extreme variety of porn, so studies focusing on one particular kind may not be indicative of anything else. Also, such studies usually don't control for masturbation. There's also the very basic consideration that apparent correlation doesn't establish causation.

There are many studies on "both sides," but most people can't sort through the details of studies. Think carefully. Porn is, usually, depictions of nudity and sexuality. Do you really think depictions of human beings in their natural state or engaged in reproductive behavior would be physically or mentally harmful to the observer? How exactly would that make any sense from either a naturalistic, evolutionary perspective, or if you believe in some form of Divine creationism? Wouldn't that mean having sex with your spouse with the lights on would be harmful?

Reisenwitz's commentary is definitely worth a read, and touches on religion. I note that Jesus is never quoted as telling any woman to cover up. Instead, He told his followers to pluck out their own eye or cut off their own hand if they have a problem. Antiporn crusaders claim to be concerned about abuse of women and children but many of them never say one word about churches where women and children have been raped. What do you think Jesus finds more disturbing: an erotic performance on video, or a member of the clergy raping a congregant?

Dennis Prager talks about panics pushed by the Left. These antiporn crusades are a panic pushed largely from the Right (and also from the Left by certain misandrists).