Stop Wishing Marriage on People

BEFUDDLED IN FLORIDA wrote in to Dear Abby about the joys of marriage. [This entry has been bumped up.]

I endured an arduous decade-long marriage with a subsequent nasty divorce and custody battle. This was followed by years of contentious child rearing with my ex.

What are the odds this is a man?

With my children now grown, I am free to spend my money the way I want and have absolute freedom. I live alone, and quite frankly, I love my life. I am 100% sure that I want to remain unmarried.

Being free is the way to go!

When people ask me about getting remarried, I tell them "never again," and I mean it. Yet, inevitably, people say, "You never know, you might get married again someday." Abby, I DO know. It's been more than 20 years.

I used to get annoyed, but now I just blow it off. Do you have any retort that doesn't sound rude? I have thought about saying, "I guess you know me better than I know myself," but it sounds snarky.

Unfortunately, no response other than "I sure hope I can remarry!" will be received well. You're going to have to break a few eggs here. Tell them how awesome unmarried life is. Drive that home until they can't stand to hear it anymore. Tell them how much you love the freedom, like having control over your own life, how you don't have to argue with someone in your own home, you don't have to spend your money on things you don't want or don't need. Talk about how everything is less expensive for you.

Guys, check out these posts that deal with this:

How to Just Say No to Giving Up Your Freedom

Keeping Boundaries as a Free Man

Why Aren't You Married?

Practical Advice For Men Avoiding Relationships

Dennis Prager on the "Burned Excuse" For Not Remarrying

Dennis Prager Latest Talker to Cut Back

Dennis Prager has become the latest longtime talk radio host to cut back.

Starting next week, his weekday nationally syndicated terrestrial broadcast program, and no doubt the pay podcast version of the same, will drop from three hours to two.

The publicized explanation is that Dennis wants more time to work on multiple books he wants to complete.

It hasn’t been unusual for him to take entire days off to work on a book, or for him to skip the last hour or entire days for travel or other activities, with a “Best of” recording or guest host taking his place. For a while he was also doing his third hour with a cohost.

I have no idea if he’s cutting back on the Dennis and Julie podcast or his fireside chats.

While I’m sure Dennis does want to complete more books, I wouldn’t be surprised if another reason for this change is to allow Salem or anyone else paying him to avoid paying him more with his new contract, or even to lower his pay.

Dennis notes he will be starting both hours at the top of the hour rather than six or seven minutes in, saying this will constitute a full radio hour more of content over the course of the week, meaning his listeners will only be losing four radio hours per week, not five. Shifting to :00 from :07 will mean losing the top of the hour news/traffic/weather many of his stations have. I will be curious to see if the ads are shifted to the other breaks. The length of the podcast hours will reveal this. 

Dennis is also announcing he’ll be doing a monthly chat with subscribers to his higher tier subscription, Pragertopia Plus. 

Dennis has had four dedicated hours each week: Ultimate Issues (Hour 3 Tuesdays), Male-Female (Hour 2 Wednesdays), Happiness (Hour 2 Fridays), and Open Lines (Hour 3 Fridays).

My guess is he’ll keep all four. Ultimate Issues will move to Hour 2 and his Friday program will start with the Happiness Hour.

It has never appeared to me that Dennis has had any trouble filling three hours five days per week. He can monologue, he has no shortage of guests, and I’ve never gotten the impression he’s struggled to get callers.

Though I vehemently disagree with him on his pathological pushing of marriage, I usually find his program a worthwhile listen, so I see losing 4-5 hours of it per week to be a negative. At least he’s still alive and on the air.

Comment Here on Dating (or not) Women With Minor Children

There are so many comments that have been left on my blog's most popular entry that I'm encouraging people to comment here instead, so your comment doesn't get lost in the shuffle. The topic: I discourage men (and women, for that matter) from dating women with minor children. You might disagree with me. Maybe you have stories to tell. This is the place!

I urge people not to add chaos to their child's life. Don't date single mothers, or mothers of minor or dependent children!

And before you ask again, here is something I wrote to a widowed mother.

Disagree? Agree? Do you have success stories? Horror stories? Comment below! BUT PLEASE DO NOT USE PROFANITY (CUSS WORDS) in your comment or I probably won't publish it. This is acceptable: "That's bull****!" Writing out the word in full is not acceptable. No F word. No C word. No S word. No D word. You get the idea.

Marriage Transfers Wealth and Power

Guys, marriage transfers your wealth and power to a woman.

That's the primary thing it does when it comes to legalities and social realities.

It doesn't provide you with sex, love, affection, companionship, loyalty, exclusivity, respect, domestic services, or children from a woman. Those are things she can provide without a state marriage license, without a ceremony, without a ring, and getting married will not mean she will be legally or socially obligated to provide those things to you. She can stop providing them at any time, kick you out of your own home, and alienate your children from you. You, however, can be compelled by the force of law to keep paying her way through life, even for things you didn't want her to buy and didn't use, even things that benefit her other lovers.

What we now call marriage is emasculating.

A Free Man runs his own life, decides what to do with his earnings, and retains his power.

A married man only has power and control over his own life and earnings in so much as his wife allows.

Being in an "exclusive" relationship, living together unmarried, having children together is almost being married, when it comes to freedom and control over your life, with the biggest difference being the absence of the official state financial contract.

The best way to run your own life and control your own wealth is to stay free.

Do you think it would be a good thing to transfer your wealth and power to a particular woman, because you think she'd handle them better than you? Well, the fatal flaw in our current legal and social marriage is that most women are turned off by that. Despite what many self-identified feminists say, most women who marry want the man to take charge, even if those women don't say so or can't even articulate that to themselves. Most women who want a husband are turned off by emasculated men, and marriage emasculates men. These realities have killed many marriages.

Don't play that game.

Get your act together and keep your act together.

Stay free.

Should She Call Him?

 

Dr. Laura Schlessinger wants unmarried women to do less sex. She never talks about what she was doing in the past when she wasn’t married. She insists her show is a secular program; religion doesn’t come into play except for her to use a caller’s religion against them or to help them with something. So she can’t refer to religion as to why unmarried sex is wrong in general. But without that, she appears to be envious, or angry about “unfair competition,” or lowering the price of sex. She tries to avoid that by citing mental and physical health concerns and social stigmas (which she attempts to perpetuate).

Just about every episode of her program has calls from prior episodes dropped in, unannounced, as filler and I don’t know if this call is one of those. But it did appear in Hour 2 of Wednesday, January 24, 2024. “Anna” appears 26 minutes into the podcast hour. 

Anna explained that she’s not sure if she should reach out to someone she was dating for two months. She’s 30, he’s 35.

“Everything was going great” and then he “unexpectedly” said he needed to put them “on pause” because he had some “emotional things he needed to deal with,” that he “adored” her and that he “hoped to call her soon.”

Yes, it’s likely those “emotional things” are women who are hotter and/or f—- better than Anna. But there is a slight chance he really did need to sort through some emotional considerations on his own.

“Should I reach out to check in on him?” asked Anna.

“OF COURSE NOT.” declared Dr. Laura. 

Please note that Dr. Laura is generally going to discourage women from appearing to be the pursuer.

“That was the nicest way to dump you.” Dr Laura said he was classy but she doesn’t like it when “people dangle some hope.” She told Anna, “Get on with your life. Assume it’s over.”

Anna started talking and Dr. Laura loudly interrupted her, which is her habit. 

“A. He’s not that interested.

“B. Maybe he is but he’s screwed up in the head.

“Either one of those is not that good for you.”

That’s where the call should have ended. But Dr. Laura is lonely, horny, frustrated, and not happy that if she wants a man, she has to compete against easier, younger, hotter women. 

So she continued the call.

“Did you have intercourse with him? -Oral sex? -Anything else?” She tells callers not to keep talking after they ask one question but she asked three before the caller could get a word in edgewise. 

Anna: “Yes.”

(The rest of the quotes below are from Dr. Laura, pontificating.)

“How stupid you are, as a woman, to do that?”

Why did she include “as a woman?” Would it be OK if it was two gay men? Perhaps because Dr. Laura talks as though men should pay women for sex, and there’s no way the guy had paid enough yet.

“In two months.”

She never gives an acceptable time frame. If it must be in marriage, that means waiting until your late twenties, spending about two and a half to three years, according to the timeline she pushes, getting legally entangled in a bad state contract, and THEN finding out whether or not you enjoy each other sexually. 

“Not knowing the guy.”

This is correct. You really don’t know someone well that soon. On the other hand, there are situations in which Dr. Laura would decide that’s more than enough time to decide someone should be out of your life entirely. Why isn’t it long enough to decide you want to get sexual?

“The sex is meaningless. Is it the same thing as brushing your teeth? It must be.”

Is enjoyment meaningless? What exactly would make the sex meaningful? Dr. Laura didn’t say.

“How many guys are you going to have sex with because you like him and you’re dating?”

I’d like a woman to respond to this and say “As many as I want to.” But they’re usually so taken aback by the scolding and nervous about being on the air in the first place that they just take the haranguing. Seriously. Without a religious rule prohibiting it, what’s the argument against it? Pregnancy? Diseases? There are precautions they can take.

“How does sex become lovemaking?”

When there’s love.

“In the future, how will sex be meaningful?”

The same way going to dinner will be meaningful. Imagine a guy saying “I’m not taking you out for a nice dinner because I’m saving that for my future wife.” Same with gifts. Or long talks.

“If a future guy says how many men have you had and you have to say 15, is he going to be interested?”

This is funny, because Dr. Laura berates husbands who are upset after they find out their wife has had more lovers than he thought. She condemns husbands for even trying to find out. But if Anna and any future guy do discuss their experience, and he’s not OK with her “body count,” then they’re “not a match” as Dr. Laura is so fond of saying. 

“How do you keep sex important if you just use it as a part of dating because you’re attracted?”

The same way you keep going out to a nice dinner important.

“How do YOU become important if you use sex as part of attraction?”

What does that even mean?

“I think women your age don’t think about any of this. You just operate out of the moment.”

There have always been women like that, some of them Dr. Laura’s age.

“But when you add up all those moments, you’re not going to be proud of yourself, pleased with yourself, or even happy. And you could end up quite depressed. Because how many times are you going to get naked and do it and not end up with anything meaningful? And how do you think you’ll avoid depression at that point?”

This appears to be relying on the kind of stigma Dr. Laura tries perpetuate. “You’re going to feel upset at yourself because women like me are going tell you that you should.”

If Anna regrets having casual sex, then sure, having casual sex is going to bring her negative feelings.

But if she doesn’t regret it, it’s a different matter.

When describing the situation, Anna had said everything was going great. Although Dr. Laura will often deny such a statement as true, it is what Anna perceived. That means she liked the guy. The sex must have been good and she didn’t regret it, which is why she wanted to reach back out to him. If she regretted the sex or there was something about the guy she didn’t like, she wouldn’t have done the call with Dr. Laura. 

Most likely, the guy found Anna to be too clingy, demanding, somehow flawed, or just not as much fun as his other options. Dr Laura was correct in saying Anna should move on with her life. If the guy reaches out, it’ll most likely be because women he prefers more aren’t available that evening or that week.

Childfree People Are Happy

Guess what? There's a study showing that childfree people are happy.

Thank you to Dennis Prager, whose angry ranting about this alerted me to its existence. [This entry has been bumped up from June 2021.]

New research from Michigan State University psychologists examines characteristics and satisfaction of adults who don’t want children.

That really bothers Dennis Prager and others, for various reasons - that there are so many childfree people and they are happy.

As more people acknowledge they simply don’t want to have kids, Jennifer Watling Neal and Zachary Neal, both associate professors in MSU’s department of psychology, are among the first to dive deeper into how these “child-free” individuals differ from others.

Thank you to the Neals!

“Most studies haven’t asked the questions necessary to distinguish ‘child-free’ individuals — those who choose not to have children — from other types of nonparents,” Jennifer Watling Neal said. “Nonparents can also include the ‘not-yet-parents’ who are planning to have kids, and ‘childless’ people who couldn’t have kids due to infertility or circumstance. Previous studies simply lumped all nonparents into a single category to compare them to parents.”

That's SO important!!! The same thing happens when all "unmarried" people are lumped together. Find out how men who intentionally avoid marriage are doing.

“We were most surprised by how many child-free people there are,” Jennifer Watling Neal said. “We found that more than one in four people in Michigan identified as child-free, which is much higher than the estimated prevalence rate in previous studies that relied on fertility to identify child-free individuals. These previous studies placed the rate at only 2% to 9%. We think our improved measurement may have been able to better capture individuals who identify as child-free.”

More people are going to opt to be childfree.

Given the large number of child-free adults in Michigan, more attention needs to be paid to this group, the researchers said. For example, the researchers explained that their study only included one time point, so didn’t examine when people decided to be child-free — however, they hope forthcoming research will help the public understand both when people start identifying as child-free as well as the factors that lead to this choice.

A trip to the mall or supermarket can be enough, or any public restroom where a kid who's being potty trained is being resistant.

Here's the link they want included.

The Incredibly Shrinking Michael Medved Show

I used to listen to the Michael Medved Show as much as I could on live radio, and then the paid podcast when he was dropped by Salem for Gorka.

I eventually stopped allowing that subscription to renew, and very rarely would catch that show live via the home station’s (AM 770 KTTH Seattle) website. Supposedly it was also syndicated, by another company other than Salem.

Last month, that station announced that as of the turn of the year, it was going to air the national Guy Benson show in the the slot Medved had (Noon-3pm Pacific).

As of this posting, I don’t know if there is any radio station carrying Medved’s show. I can’t find any listed on the show’s website.

It looks to me like the program for now is strictly Internet, and people can listen live (for free, I guess.... I'm not sure) or pay for the podcast, which is simply a recorded version of the live program.

This change didn't cause much buzz. As far as I can tell the same basic article, essentially "copy pasta" from the station's press release, was carried in a few places, with someone erroneously implying Medved had still been syndicated by Salem. Nobody has bothered to update Medved's Wikipedia page since August 2023 (as of this posting).

It's been a few years since Tom Leykis gave up doing this live, call-in Internet program because not enough people were paying to subscribe (Leykis is strictly podcast now, when he feels like recording). I don't know what Medved's situation is as far as the program's finances. More people are used to listening online now, so online programs might have a better go than Leykis did.

There are multiple national shows airing live Noon - 3pm Pacific. Medved's now-former home station apparently has a deal with Fox, which carries the Benson show. Not that a show has to air live, but it's better if it does. A couple of other things were going against Medved: age and his criticisms of Trump and various other Republicans as well as conservatives. His target audience no doubt preferred he spend more time pointing out the flaws of the Democrats and the Left.

I'd be interested in the inside scoop as far as the Medved Show's finances, reach, and if he retained any staff or if that staff stayed with the station or went somewhere else entirely. What are his plans? Will he keep the show going even if it costs him money instead of paying him? Having a website, live stream, phone lines, a screener, a producer, and a podcast archive costs money. Is he the kind of guy who wants to (or feels he needs to) work until the day he dies, or does he plan to retire?

There were many times I enjoyed his analysis and perspective over the years. I found his movie reviews worthwhile, too. His history programs played when he was out were the only long-since-recorded talk radio to which I'd listen. And of course he regularly had "Disagreement Day" and guests with whom he differed. He was a big presence in talk radio for decades. But I hadn't listened to his program much since I dropped that podcast subscription.

Whatever is or is not going on with him, I wish him well.

We Are Not Going Back

During the first hour of Dennis Prager's Monday, August 19, 2019 show, toward the end of that first hour, he said he "doesn't understand" waiting to marry until establishing or gaining success in your career (succeeding professionally/financially). He claims it isn't rational, and it isn't what people did in history. "Why can't you work on your career while married?" he asked. [This entry is bumped up, and some details of my life might have changed since.]

He says things like this because he is a marriage-seller and because he has no idea what it is like to be a young person today, trying to make their way in this world. He's made it clear that he buys into the idea that man isn't really a man unless he takes on the burden of supporting a wife and children, as if women still don't have access to employment, property ownership, and personal finance. 1) If someone is working on career success, marriage, especially with children, is an enormous disadvantage. Even putting aside the emotional drama and turmoil a wife and family can bring, a spouse and children put a demand on time; there will be days you'll be late for work, or have to leave early, or not be able to work at all due to family matters. You'll get calls and texts that demand your immediate attention, taking you away from whatever you're supposed to be doing. Also, these days, establishing yourself in a career often means long and odd hours, extra days, networking at lunch and happy hours, business travel, moving, and changing employers. None of these are friendly to family.

Should You Legally Marry If You Want Children?

One of the main points of this blog is to urge most men to avoid legally marrying.

But what if you want to be a father?

Do you REALLY want to BE a father?

Do you really want to be a father, or is it that you have your religion, your family and/or your friends, or a woman you're with pressuring you? Do you really want to be a father or do you want the mistaken FANTASY of fatherhood? Unless you use a bought egg and a rented womb, fatherhood will forever tie you to a woman, no matter how terribly she acts or treats you. Most women today don't have both the desire and understanding to truly be good mothers, and are even less prepared to be good partners.

We hear all of the time that statistics/studies indicate children of legally married parents are better off, and so you should legally marry if you want to raise children.

But this is misleading.

Get a Vasectomy

Hey, you... sir... yes, you.

Chances are, whatever your situation, getting a vasectomy will be one of the best things you can do for yourself (if you're not already shooting blanks.)

Why? Because children take a lot of time, money, and energy, and complicate your life. They also tie you to a woman for the rest of life (with the possible exception of using a donated egg and rented womb). And, chances are, you can't provide a new child with a stable, lasting, loving, healthy marital home in which that child will be raised.

Whether you have children or not, you should probably get a vasectomy.

If you are 50 or older, you're too old to raise kids from birth, regardless of your wife's age, and you should definitely get a vasectomy.

But you should probably get one if you're younger, too.

If you aren't eager to have a(nother) child, you should probably get a vasectomy.

If you can't come up with a logical, coherent, rational, unselfish reason why you should have a(nother) kid, don't make a new child. This would be another human being we're talking about. Doing it because she wants it isn't a good reason. And you definitely shouldn't have a child if you already have a child (who wasn't adopted away) with a different woman, or if you aren't sure 1) you're with a woman who is good mother material, 2) you want to be with her for the long haul, 3) you're compatible, and 4) there are no red flags. (That pretty much means you shouldn't have a kid.)

I can give you reasons NOT to have a(nother) kid.

As I always say, I can't address every religion. I know there are religions out there that tell men not to get vasectomies. What I can tell you is that there is no Biblical command to avoid getting a vasectomy.

Condoms and other methods of contraception aren't 100-percent effective. Pulling out is not effective. Condoms are not always effective, women have been known to poke holes in them or retrieve the contents, women have tried to get themselves pregnant via “outercourse”.

The surgery itself is easy to go through. Mine was virtually painless. After having it lab tested a couple of times, it removes so much worry and uncertainty and risk. It reduces the amount of power any woman will have over you. Remember that each sperm cell a woman gets from you is like you handing her a blank check.

Even if you think you'll never have intercourse or any other kind of sex again, at least not with a fertile woman, get a vasectomy. Things change. And as strange as it sounds, a woman can still get your sperm even if you don't choose to have sex with her, such as by retrieving some after you masturbate or have a nocturnal emission or by assaulting you while you sleep. So, get a vasectomy to ensure that can't happen.

If you're worried that you might change your mind, freeze some sperm. But NEVER allow that frozen sperm to be donated.

So, ask your general doctor for a referral to get a vasectomy. Do not let anyone talk you out of it. This should be YOUR decision, not anyone else's.

One of the most basic things a man can do to protect himself, protect his life, protect his finances, and prevent himself from having to deal with a bitter, irrational creature who hates his guts is to get a vasectomy.


Motivations for Going Child Free

What A Woman Can Do With Your DNA

You Can Persuade Rather Than Parent

To What Should Males Aspire?

I Keep Showing Reality

I'm active on X/Twitter.

You can write to me there, you can follow along as I examine posts that deal with topics I address on this blog.

I have some ongoing "tweet threads" there that are especially relevant as the marriage-selling push ramps up for the mid-February's horror scene.

Here's a thread on dead marital bedrooms and some other marriage "joys."

Here's a thread featuring marriages that ended, but not in divorce. Remember, divorce is only one way a marriage can end badly.

Here's a thread about the "joys" of parenting.

Signing a terrible state contract doesn't benefit men.

Get a vasectomy.

Don't marry.

Don't live with a woman.

Don't get financially entangled with a woman.

Stay free, men!

Who Leads the Home?

Most men have a strong drive to have sex with women, especially the woman he's serving in marriage.

Most men don't want to argue or disagree with their wife, or have her nagging or whining or complaining to him.

Most women marry men who do, or will, earn more income than them.

These realities, along with family law and courts, and domestic violence laws and policies, mean that men lose their power when they marry. Husbands have power at the delegation of their wife. She can rescind that power at any time.

These things mean that if the wife doesn't let her husband be the leader, she will be the leader.

"Oh, we decide together."

It might look that way, especially when what he wants/chooses is something she would choose if it was entirely up to her. But husbands will often try to avoid conflict with their wife, so unless she truly defers to him, he's going to defer to her when there is disagreement. He may be so good at that she might not even realize it is what he is doing, or she might think he doesn't really care either way (even though he might care very much).

There are only two people. If each gets one vote, and they don't agree, what's the solution? When a husband takes the lead, and the wife doesn't accept his decisions, she's likely to call him inconsiderate, immature, controlling, or some other negative descriptor.

In my home, my wife has said in the past that she wants me to make more of the decisions. However, when I decide differently than she would, she says I didn't listen to her. I did listen to her! I listened and still decided the way I wanted was the better choice. She's not happy with that. So, it's better to talk with her, figure out what she wants, and unless it's sure to be significantly destructive, "agree" with her or "decide" the way she wants.

This is one more reason not to marry, as free men don't have to deal with this. Live alone, and you always get to decide. But if you're going to be foolish enough to marry, try to have this worked out ahead of time: How are decisions made? How are disputes settled? She might not stick with whatever she says before you marry her, but you can at least try. If you really want to subject yourself to marriage.

Not Inherently Hateful

If a woman says something like "Marriage as it is now isn't for me. In fact, I'd prefer to live by myself and not have a boyfriend or partner. Maybe I'll date. But I'd prefer to be independent and make my own decisions. I don't like the general culture's approach to romantic relationships. I'll do my own thing."

Would you call that woman a sexist? A hater? A white supremacist? A reactionary? An extremist?

Do those questions confuse you? They should.

Translating Happy Hubby Talk

[Bumped up.] Recently I considered what I'm sure I've realized before... that many men who say how great and wonderful marriage is either had no game as bachelors or felt guilt about fornicating. A lot of them are, and always have been, nerds. They couldn't get laid when they were younger, but once some woman figured that she'd better cash in her aging chips and look for "security" and a "good provider" (someone who'd actually be able to pay her way through life) and that she could settle for a nerd because he would have a dependable high salary and probably wouldn't whore around.

Weddings Are Highly Visible But Marriage Isn't A Wedding

Weddings are highly visible. They are often prominent in both fictional media and "reality" media, including news and gossip outlets. They are announced all over, there are save the date notices, formal invites, and thank-yous. There are wedding registries. There are special dresses. There are entire websites/shops dedicated to weddings. There are wedding rings. There are bridal showers, wedding showers, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, receptions, anniversary celebrations, elaborate proposals, engagement announcements, engagement rings, wedding photographers, wedding planners, cakes and cake tasting, flowers, on and on it goes.

If the people getting married are happy through those things, that's fortunate.

But marriage isn't a wedding.

Here are some of the things about marriage and its aftermath that are hidden or far less visible:

• One spouse having to pick up after another
• The spouse who has/earns more money having to pay for bills generated by the other, especially for things the paying spouse didn't want or couldn't enjoy
• One spouse feeling stifled by the other
• Abandoned dreams
• Alienation from family of origin
• Alienation from friends
  
• Arguments, disputes, conflicts
  
• Cruel words
• Mood swings
  
• Loneliness
• Disappointment 
• One spouse not being able to sleep or relax because of the other
  
• Walking on eggshells
  
• Nagging
• Frustration
• Disrespect
  
• Irritation and annoyance
• Emotional rejection
  
• Sexual rejection
• Boredom and monotony
  
• Affairs
  
• Marriage counseling
• Indifference
  
• Contempt
  
• Visits by law enforcement due to reports of possible domestic violence
• Actual domestic violence
  
• One spouse murdering the other
• One spouse subjecting the other to their substance abuse
• Abandonment
• Physical separation
• Legal separation
• Consulting divorce lawyers
• Paying divorce lawyers
• Court battles over divorce
• Dividing assets
• Ongoing payments, such as alimony
  

What if those things were as visible as weddings? What if people were to tell you and put on their social media "We're going through a really crappy time in our marriage right now" whenever that was the case? Do you think there might be fewer weddings?

There are many people who have an interest, especially a financial interest, in other people getting married. People have been selling marriage. They emphasize the good and keep the bad quiet. Talking about the bad is "tacky" or a "sin" or a "betrayal" or a "negative confession."

But what if reality wasn't hushed up so much?

An Answer to Dennis Prager's Question

Dennis Prager, who, perhaps, prioritizes promoting marriage over everything else, used his Wednesday, June 29, 2022 "Male/Female Hour" to talk about ultimatums to marry.

Men, if she gives you such an ultimatum, do NOT give in.

Dennis Prager asked "What's the rational response to 'If you love me, you'd marry me.'?"

Here it is. Put on your glasses, Dennis. Look closely.

"If you love me, you won't encourage me to enter into a terrible state contract that is detrimental to me."

There it is. That's the rational response.

It is rational to refuse to enter a terrible contract.

A man and woman can love each other, still commit to each other, still share their lives, still take care of each other and do everything good any other couple does, without that terrible state contract.

They can even draw up legal contracts, if they'd like, including cohabitation agreements (never do it without a lawyer, guys).

Dennis Prager also said he can't think of any reason to not marry someone you've been with for years. I know Dennis Prager is a better thinker than that. Here you go.

An open letter still awaits. I've been listening to Dennis Prager and reading his writings for years. I have yet to hear or see him fully address why the benefits unique to marriage outweigh the unwanted obligations and disliked limitations of that bad state contract.

Stay free, men!

Where Can You Find a Friend?

 
Where can you find a new friend, if you want and need one?

You want quality friends.

Family. I’m not talking about your parents, or, if you have them, your children. It’s great if they’re not terrible people and you’re friendly with them and can do things with them in addition to the requisite family obligations. But most true friends in your family will be more of a horizontal connection, like siblings and cousins. Maybe uncles or nephews. Some people will not find friends in family, and that’s OK. You being born into a situation doesn’t mean you’ll find friends there.

Acquaintances. These are not the same thing as friends, but they can become friends. You know each other on some level because someone or something introduced you to each other. Who are your good quality acquaintances?

Neighbors. Making neighbors your friends is great and practical. If you’re living in a rental or they're renting, you or your neighbors might not be there long. But if you both own, there’s probably more stability. It's better to have neighbors as friends than as enemies. Maybe you'll just be friendly. But if you find a friend or two in the neighborhood, that's great.

Classmates. Like family, classmates aren’t friends by default. If you can’t see being friends with them when you’re not required to sit in the same room or won’t be studying together, then it’s not going to work. But if you have things in common beyond your academic connection, a classmate can make a good friend.

Co-workers. This is risky. I generally advise keeping your employment life and your personal life as separated as possible, despite it being historically common to make friends at work. You don't want friendship interfering with business or your career advancement. If you’re leaving your employer and likely won’t be back, that might be the time to go ahead and make someone a friend. If you work for yourself, it’s a different matter. But don’t let “friends” take advantage of you for free work. If you trade work with each other, fine. But if it is one-sided on an ongoing basis, that’s not friendship. 

Church. Ideally, church (or your equivalent) will be a great place to make friends. Free men need to be careful, though. If you end up shifting so that most of your friends are from your specific church, that might be a sign you're in a cult. Be careful.

Hobbies, clubs, charities, activities, etc. Obviously, you’ll have a shared interest with the people you meet these ways. Just don’t expect that your interest and involvement will always align with theirs. Sometimes, people move on from these things, and that’s OK. Also, beware of the self-proclaimed enthusiast who seems to gripe more about your shared interest than enjoy it. Sometimes people should move on from something, but haven’t, and they’ll suck all of the enjoyment out of it.

Again, you might not need more friends. But if you do, some places to look for them are better than others.

Did I miss something? Left me know in the comments.

Red Flags

I generally advise against marrying, shacking up, or getting into exclusive relationships. But if you're going to do any of those things, especially if you're going to have children with a woman, there are some red flags to look out for if you insist on doing these things with a woman.

Basic Incompatibility. If your major goals, worldviews, lifestyles, strengths/weaknesses, or personalities are incompatible, then you're not a match, no matter how attractive you find her or other ways she impresses you. If one of you wants to have a lot of children and the other doesn't want to have any children, that's a red flag. If one of you is an atheist who is highly suspicious or dismissive of clergy and the other is a Christian who turns to a pastor with problems, that's a red flag. If one of you wants to live in a high rise in a big city and the other one wants to live on a farm with no town center in sight, that's a problem. If you both need to be the dominant person in the relationship, it ain't gonna work. If you are both disorganized or bad with money, it's a nightmare waiting to happen. You might have a wild fling, but this isn't a person with whom you should make babies, or live, or marry, or pledge exclusivity. You might not think religion matters that much, but it becomes much more important when you have kids, or at least when you share a residence and finances and are legally responsible for each other. Also, don't think you can give up your goals and be happy about it.

Note that the above are determined by who you are and what you need and want. The below are generally applicable regardless of who you are.

She Has Minor Children. Nope, nope, nope!!!

She's a Coworker or Working in the Same Company, Location, Profession, or Industry. It is FAR too risky for man to even compliment a woman under these circumstances. Even if she won't file allegations of sexual harassment, discrimination, or worse, someone else could merely because they heard or saw you together. A bad breakup will mess up your career. Do not date any woman with a nexus to your job.

No, Life Doesn't Have To Be That Way

You probably know someone, and maybe that someone is you, who is in a marriage or relationship with someone who brings a lot of trouble into your life, who is difficult, or who is "too much work," and your or his reaction is "Well, that's life." Or "That's just the way things are." Or "This is the way relationships are, and I have to put up with it."

NO.

You do not.

Life doesn't have to be that way.

That's doesn't have to be life.

Men today can be FREE.

You don't have to take on her problems.
You don't have to be nagged.

You don't have to be abused.
You don't have to put up with her destroying, damaging, or tossing out your possessions.
You don't have to deal with mood swings and bad moods.
You don't have to deal with her drama, friends, and family.
You don't have to allow her to antagonize your family or friends.

You don't have to deal with her mental illnesses or personality disorders.
You have don't to be yelled at.
You don't have to argue.
You don't have to deal with constant criticism.
You don't have to "compromise."

You don't have to sacrifice.
You don't have to cater to her while she sexually rejects you and forbids you from even noticing other women or even touching yourself.
You don't have to jump through hoops and dance just to be allowed your life.
You don't have to let her keep your balls in her purse.

You don't have to apologize for things you didn't do or things you did that weren't wrong.
You don't have to walk on egg shells and tiptoe around her irrational insecurities or sensitivities.
You don't have to spend your time on "honey do" lists.
You don't have to deal with her hysterics.

you don't have to deal with her kids.

You don't have to deal with her debts.

You don't have to deal with her bills.
You don't have to bring lawyers and the state into your relationship.

You don't have to do any of those things for any woman.

When Someone Regrets Being a Parent

Duncan Jones recently issued a couple of controversial tweets: [This entry is bumped up from January 2019.]

I have 2 kids. 2 1/2 years and 9 months old respectively. I’ll tell you something I never see anyone admit... they are exhausting, frustrating and life-destabilizing. They are rarely fun. Sure, smiles are great, hugs are lovely, but it’s HARD and not obviously a good choice in life.

This is where people feel compelled to say “i wouldn’t change it for the world!” But you know... Of course I’d reconsider! It’s exhausting! Its banal! It’s like looking after a dog you can’t housetrain. What it is, is that it is. and they are mine. Hopefully they turn out ok.

Columnist Matt Walsh, conservative Catholic hubby and dad that he is, lit into Jones and those who responded in solidarity.

What's most concerning is the reaction these tweets provoked. In the 24 hours or so immediately after they were published, a sizable portion of the responses were entirely supportive and sympathetic. A bunch of parents decided to join the fray and register public complaints about their own children. Until saner voices joined the discussion, the thread was a long litany of unseemly parental bellyaching. And not just vague "parenting can be tough" type complaints, but much more specific and personal "my life is miserable and my kids are awful" type complaints.

Those are their experiences. Yes, they shouldn't say these things if they are using their true identity and thus their kids can find out about it. In some cases, it won't matter because the kids are already too far gone, but in most cases, sure. But let's be honest. Walsh isn't just upset that their kids might see this. People like Walsh don't want people speaking the truth about parenthood: that for some people, it brings misery. Some people aren't suited to it.

Let's not deflect from the fact that many people regret having children. Many of them aren't being great parents as a result. Let's encourage people to think very carefully about becoming parents, instead  of saying "Oh, it will all work out! You'll love it! Don't worry, just do it!"

Women who do this are told they're ignoring their motherly instincts. Men are told they're just immature.

Don’t Call Dr. Laura If You’re Doubting Truth Claims of Your Religious Organization

I don’t think Dr. Laura has explicitly stated what her current theological beliefs are other than a few limited statements. She has every right to keep her theology private. Although she'll sometimes work with a caller's tradition, the program isn’t a religious one. But because it isn’t a religious program, she should probably defer some calls. [Bumping this up because it is still relevant.]

From what she has said, she’s either a Deist, Agnostic, or Atheist. It matters, and we can discern this to be so, because she doesn’t believe in miracles and will get snippy with a caller who mentions or implies being saved from a terrible or worse fate by supernatural intervention. Also, because she encourages people to stay with their current religious organization, as if it really doesn’t matter which one they are with. 

I originally felt compelled to write this entry because of a call she took on Tuesday, December 10, 2019, 27 minutes into first podcast hour. But she has subsequently taken other calls reinforcing my point.

“Sarah” or “Sara” was the caller. The caller said hello and started to get emotional, saying she didn't want to get emotional. She was crying.

"I was raised in a very orthodox religion..."

Dr. Laura asked which one. "You were raised in what church?"

"The Mormon church."

Sarah went on to say "Recently, within the last couple of years, I found out a lot of inconsistencies about the church, a lot of things that I was taught that aren't true about the church…”

She started getting emotional again.

Dr. Laura told her she needed to stop crying. "This is not life and death."

Well, actually, for believers, it is. It certainly was for the martyrs.

A False Dichotomy

Dr. Laura asserts the following dichotomy to her callers and her audience:

• Marriage means, among other things, having a state contract, making vows, living together, sharing finances, sexual exclusivity in complete privacy. Otherwise, it isn't marriage.
  
  
• Those things aren't part of dating, especially long-term dating, or living together without a state license (shacking up). There are no obligations and there are no agreements, such as an agreement to sexual exclusivity.

According to her, romantic relationships are either marriage as she defines it, or, if two years or fewer old, are mutually agreed to be on the way to marriage, or they are aren't worthwhile and there are no rules.

She's allowed to say what she wants on her program. But she can't dictate this for anyone else. The dichotomy she presents does not describe reality.

There are married people who don't have a state license, never had a ceremony, keep separate finances, spend substantial periods of time apart, and/or aren't sexually exclusive. They use the terms "husband" and "wife," treat each other as spouses as far as doing things together and generally putting each other first and caring for each other, are recognized as spouses by the people around them, and might even be recognized as married by the state.

There are unmarried people who have been together for years, live together, share finances, and/or have agreed to sexual exclusivity. The people around them recognize that they are a couple and respect their agreements.

These things are happening every day. Millions of people do these things. This is going on, whether I like it or not and whether anyone else likes it or not. And for the record, I'm generally against, in most cases, agreeing to an ongoing exclusive relationship, living together, or marrying.

A state-licensed marriage isn't the only personal relationship with rules. Friendships usually have rules. So do most unmarried romances. Commitment is in behavior. The state license isn't a commitment to do anything other than have the spouse who earns more pay the other.

If she's going to deny a caller's reality, the reality they've been living, the caller should probably consider getting advice from another source.

Why Running Game Works

Running game helps you get what you want for as little cost (money, time, effort, freedom, etc.) as possible. It works.

But why does it work?

Running game works because of how women are.

Boys are often told they need to jump though all sorts of hoops, be successful, hard workers, good earners, romantic, generous, sensitive, sweet, strong, chivalrous... on and on and on... to get a woman. But it's just not true.

How do we know it's not true?

One extreme way of knowing it's not true is that there are women who are sexually attracted to men in prison for being serial killers or for raping children.

A far more common way of knowing it's not true is that we all know young, attractive women who are or were with unreliable jerks and deadbeats; many of them allowed those guys to knock them up. Ever hear women talk about their ex husbands, ex boyfriends, baby daddies, and what terrible guys they are? Those are the guys who turned them on so much, they were willing to have intercourse and do all sorts of other sex acts with them.

The proof is in what women do, not in what they say they want.

There's a very small percentage of men that many women will immediately want to have sex with based solely on his body and face. Many of those men are gay. Other than that, it's about how you carry yourself and what she thinks you can do for her.

Prager U Gets it Right on Some Career Advice

Prager U doesn't always get it right. After all, they've posted multiple videos trying to trick men into thinking what we now call marriage is actually a good thing for them.

But they got this one right.

I have encouraged you to Know Thyself. This, below, is also great advice, especially in conjunction with knowing thyself.. It's "Career Success and the Proximity Principle" featuring author Ken Coleman. The video is below, but I'll include much of the transcript below. And, if for some reason, the YouTube embed isn't working, try this link.

Success Sequence

Certain behaviors and accomplishments are associated with personal success, meaning that if you do these things, you are unlikely to officially be, or stay for long, in the designation of "poverty." Some of you, especially the older you are, haven't stuck to all of these things, but you can start. And if young people are able to adhere to these, they are likely to be successful.

Know Thyself - Knowing thyself will help you avoid wasting energy, money, or time, which is even more precious than money.

Avoid Crime - Serious crime puts you in touch with bad people, limits what you can do, subjects you to extortion, and makes it more likely you'll have to deal with expensive investigations, prosecutions, and lawsuits. It also tarnishes your reputation.

Avoid Substance Abuse - You've got one body. You've got one brain. Don't abuse it. That goes for alcohol, legal and illegal drugs, tobacco, and food. Substance abuse is costly financially as well as in limiting your choices.

Exercise - You don't need to join a gym. You can walk, swim, bike, play, lift heavy objects, do pushups and situps. Exercise may help you avoid or delay significant health problems. You don't need to exercise for two hours per day. But if you're not getting enough movement in while working, you need to do it on your own time. If you're not worried about being vulnerable, things like NOT looking for the closest parking spot, but rather parking far enough to get some brisk walking in, can help, as can taking stairs or steps instead of elevator or escalator.

Good Hygiene - Nobody wants to be around someone who smells bad or looks unkempt. Washing your body, keeping your hair and hands clean, taking care of your teeth are all important. Dental problems are expensive!

Build Friendships and Networks - Even if you're not religious, you should consider joining a religious congregation. Many don't require any formal process to get the benefits of networking, and with a wide variety (at least here in the USA), you can find something that doesn't turn you off. But that's just one way. Joining clubs, getting friendly with your neighbors, or any countless other ways to make friends can be help you.

Business Is Not Play - When it comes to things like employment, financial transactions, purchases, etc., get things in writing. Make sure you've read and understood anything to which you're agreeing. Know what's going on. Know your rights, entitlements, obligations, and options.

See Doctors - A lot of health problems will be much smaller if diagnosed early. Go to your doctors.

Develop Systems and Habits That Work For You - This goes for just about any area of life. Maybe getting your exercise when you first wake up is best for you. Maybe you're better off doing it just before you go to bed. Maybe you're not the kind of person to ever have a spotless house with nothing at all out of place, but as long as you have ways of meeting your obligations without undue waste (for example, wasting hours looking for one piece of mail), that's fine.

Get Educated/Trained/Mentored - Education may or may not involve college, depending on what you need. Maybe a trade school is what you need. Finding an older, experienced person, especially if they're planning to retire in the next five to ten years, to mentor you, can be an huge help. The goal here is to be able to earn (more) money. How you get there depends on what it is you're going to do.

Earn Income and Seek Better Paydays - Get a job, just about any legal job, if you're not getting the job you REALLY want. Getting a job or getting work doesn't mean you can coast. Seek jobs or work that will pay you better even as you already work a job. Do NOT feel badly that you will need to leave behind someone who hired you when you get a better offer. In this aspect of life, you need to do what is best for you. That's business.

Plan, Budget, Save, Invest, Insure - Until you're retired, you need to spend less than you're earning, and invest the surplus. You need to know how much you're spending on what. It's better to save up to make big purchases than it is to pay interest. Actual needs come before wants. You should have an emergency fund. Big purchases, like vehicles or a home, can only be done if you're going to be able to afford adequate insurance coverage. You should have growing retirement funds. If you want a home (meaning, your own building with dirt and a permanent foundation under it), you want to be able to put a big down payment on it if not buy it outright.

Stay Free - This is presented by marriage-and-family sellers as "Get married before having children." However, it's much easier to succeed financially if you don't ever legally sign away your earnings and don't knock anyone up. Do not co-sign for anything, do not have joint accounts or joint assets. Her name should not be on a mortgage, deed, lease, rental agreement, or loan for which you have paid or are making any payments. You can stay free either by running game or going to monk mode. When you run game, you keep dates to $40 or less. A free man can earn a lot less money and still be successful, because he only has to pay his own way through life. Do not marry.

Some economists and sociologists will tell you, or at least imply, that the items highlighted in green are enough for most people to rise/stay out of poverty. But the more of these one does, the better. 

As always, there's the "fine print." There ARE people who get a high school education, are continually employed thereafter, and don't have children outside of marriage and who stay in poverty. Also, correlation isn't causation. For example, the reason someone might not complete their high school education or equivalent is that they had a parent die or leave and they had to get a job to support the family. Or they got sick. And these things kept them poor. It wasn't that they didn't complete high school. Someone can do all of the things listed above, and some crime, some disaster, some illness, some injury can keep them in poverty.

Consider, though: Doesn't it ring true that if someone is able to do those things, it is likely they will stay, or rise, out of poverty? Or, to put it another way, aren't you more likely to be poor of you don't earn income, if you don't manage your finances with any awareness or planning, if you start cranking out kids with various women from an early age?

We have many examples of people who were in poverty but worked their way out of it. Their common behaviors can indicate how others can do it.

Brace Yourself For the Attempt to Fool You

 

Each year, there’s a push during the first half of February to fool men into signing a terrible state contract. This year will be even worse, likely starting now, as a fixated marriage seller (it’s how he makes his living) promotes his book, which will be officially released during this time. The book tries to sell people on marrying.

Don’t fall for the marriage selling propaganda that’s heading your way.

Do check out the “marriage strike” and “Free Men” tags here. 

Life has changed.

There’s no benefit to most men in signing a terrible state contract.

Most marriages fail.

Most men can thrive and have a great life without ever signing a terrible state contract.

Our default status is unmarried. Most men have no compelling reason to change that status.

Don’t be fooled with false claims that you will be better off if you lay down your life to the state. Don’t allow insidious shaming tactics claiming it’s somehow better for society if you sign a terrible state contract. Marriage sellers don’t care about what’s best for you. They think they benefit if you get trapped. Misery loves company.

Stay free!